How to Not be Productive on Vacation

Many of us are good about planning our work and family lives. We have to-do lists and routines for how we accomplish things. The problem is that we don’t have that same level of planning and intentionality when we rest, go on vacation or try not to be productive.

The longer I’m in leadership, the most important thing to do on vacation and the sabbath is not to be productive. As a leader, this is hard and one of the most important things to keep in mind.

It isn’t decisions, meetings, counseling, or preaching that tires me out (although that can do it sometimes), but it is the production of things. I feel the pressure (real or imagined) to produce something, to prepare something.

To be productive.

How do you stop producing and rest? How can you take a weekend off? How do you turn your mind off from it? From the pressure, the deadlines?

I’ll be honest. Every week, this is my biggest struggle (when I’m trying to take my Sabbath day). I can survive without social media and email. But planning ahead helps me be intentional about not thinking about work, and being willing to not read a book for a sermon or leadership and stop producing.

I feel guilty about it.

But it is necessary and vital to your health as a leader, your family, and your church.

Here are five things I’ve learned that might be helpful for you this weekend and on your next vacation:

1. Decide ahead of time what unproductive will mean and entail. This might sound counterintuitive, but the first step to being unproductive is to be productive. Set yourself up to succeed.

If you are married, sit down with your spouse and ask them, “If I was unproductive for a weekend, a week, two weeks, a month, what would that mean? What would we do?” Leaders struggle to rest because of the constant movement of ministry and leadership. It is addicting. As much as my heart, mind, and body need a break from preaching, I get antsy and have a hard time functioning when I take a break. That is a sign that I need it, but it’s also a sign that I have some heart work to do around that.

For me, here are some things that being unproductive means: no blogging or writing, no leadership or theology books (I read spy novels or historical books on vacation), sleeping in (or letting Katie sleep in), taking naps, extended game time with my kids, ample time with friends, being outside.

Answer this simple question: What would refresh me and recharge me? Are there certain people who will do that? Spend time with them.

Too many pastors work on vacation and prepare for upcoming things (you need to plan that for a different time). Your weekend or vacation is for refreshment, recharging, and reconnecting with your family in another way.

2. Set yourself up for success. If you don’t decide ahead of time, you’ll come back from vacation exhausted and then tell people around you, “I need a vacation from my vacation!”

One of the things we’ve done in years past is for me to take a one or two-night retreat at a monastery before we go away. Leaders have a way of crashing at the start of vacation. I’d rather do this alone than crash on my family. It starts your time off on the right foot.

If you are tired of the church or have difficulty going to church without thinking about your church (which happens more than you think), take a Sunday off and sleep in. Watch a podcast (but not for ministry purposes).

The bottom line is if you know and have decided how to be unproductive, it makes it easier to reach it. It increases the likelihood of resting and recharging.

One of the best ways to set yourself up for success is to take social media and email off your phone. In fact, on vacation, Katie changes my passwords so I can’t even get on them in a moment of weakness (which never happens).

At the end of your week, finish things up. Set up some ritual at the end of the day or week that says, “I’m done. I’ve done all that I can, the rest is in God’s hands” so that you can be done mentally and emotionally.

3. Give yourself grace. Because you are a leader and are trained to be productive and critical, you will struggle not to be effective and not critical. When you think about work, a person, a situation, give yourself grace and then move on.

When you start to think about work, write it down and let it go on your time off. Give yourself a moment to reconnect to being off and be okay with that. Your weekend or vacation isn’t ruined at that moment. It can be if you let it, but it isn’t yet.

4. Get out of town. This isn’t always possible but get out of town if you can. There are so many retreat centers and housing for pastors and their families that you can do this inexpensively. We stayed at the same place in San Diego for four different years and then multiple years in Huntington Beach, and each time it was free or cheap. Plan (and Google pastor’s retreat) and start making calls. Our kids look forward every year to vacation because we’ve planned it. This also means we don’t do things during the year for this time to happen, but we got out of town when I was making less than $500 a week (and working four jobs) planting our church. So you can do it!

Find fun things to do on your weekend if that will recharge you. Go swimming, hike, go to a fair or a market. Get moving. You may stay in your town but get out of your house. Changing the scenery is crucial to resting and recharging.

5. Your church will be fine. Many pastors fear leaving their church as if they are the glue that holds their church together. If you are a church planter, you are the glue for much of your church but not all of it. You can get away for a long weekend or a week, and everything will be fine.

Too many pastors live with the pressure that someone will be mad if they take a week off. They might, but you’ll live. They get vacation time, too.

Often pastors will ask me, “What do I do if I don’t have someone to preach?” Simple, show a video sermon of someone. Download a Tim Keller, Matt Chandler, or Craig Groeschel sermon and show that. Better yet, download four and take four Sundays off from preaching.

Let me tell you why this matters: A refreshed pastor leads a refreshed church.

A tired pastor leads a tired church.

Creating a Rhythm of Sabbath Rest

Photo by Fabian Møller on Unsplash

Recently, I preached on the topic of Sabbath rest. But how do you create that? What goes into that day and preparing for that day?

Before getting to that, why don’t we rest? After all, almost everyone I talk to says things like, “I have too many things on my calendar” or, “At the end of the day, I don’t have energy for my spouse, kids, or the people who matter most to me.” We are tired, overwhelmed, and a rundown bunch of people.

To prepare for the sabbath and to create a rhythm of rest, here are some questions to ask yourself (and your family):

  • Am I living sustainably, and will it help me thrive tomorrow?
  • What would you do for 24 hours that would fill your soul with deep, throbbing joy? (from John Mark Comer)
  • What is necessary? What brings life?

The goal of the sabbath is rest, joy, and delight.

Why does this matter?

God calls us to be healthy. Healthy spiritually, physically, relationally, emotionally, and mentally. God created us, and all of us are meant to glorify Him.

This is a question that pushes on wisdom. In your life and your family right now, are you living in a way that will help you be healthy and thrive tomorrow? Is it sustainable? In churches, people often burn out because they overload their calendars. We say yes to too many things. I have friends in four Bible studies a week, run their kids to ballet, orchestra, baseball, and football, and serve in six ministries. Now, once you ask, are we living sustainably, you will often cut things out of your life. This is a good thing. However, the problem appears in the cutting. The second part is what will help me thrive tomorrow. That answer is more complicated. Not harder to discern but harder to apply. I’ll often see people cut God or church out of their lives in favor of hobbies or their kids’ sports. That won’t help you thrive tomorrow.

So what is the answer? What is our hope?

We are learning to see and live with Jesus as our rest.

Tim Keller helps us with what this looks like:

God liberated his people when they were slaves in Egypt, and in Deuteronomy 5:12–15, God ties the Sabbath to freedom from slavery. Anyone who overworks is really a slave. Anyone who cannot rest from work is a slave – to a need for success, to a materialistic culture, to exploitative employers, to parental expectations, or to all of the above. These slave masters will abuse you if you are not disciplined in the practice of Sabbath rest. Sabbath is a declaration of freedom.

Thus Sabbath is about more than external rest of the body; it is about inner rest of the soul. We need rest from the anxiety and strain of our overwork, which is really an attempt to justify ourselves—to gain the money or the status or the reputation we think we have to have. Avoiding overwork requires deep rest in Christ’s finished work for your salvation (Hebrews 4:1–10). Only then will you be able to ‘walk away’ regularly from your vocational work and rest.

What does that look like practically on a day-to-day basis? Here are a few ideas:

Let go because Jesus has this. As our Sabbath rest, we need to let go and give Jesus our burdens, stress, anxiety, and rest in Him. We know we will have responsibilities, stress, and worries because Jesus tells us we will, and we are to give them to him. Because of Jesus’ work, coming from heaven to earth, we can accept our limitations. Because Jesus is limitless, we can rest in Him.

Schedule rest and recreation. It won’t just happen. Hebrews 4 tells us that we are to enter God’s rest. Exodus 20 tells us to “Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy.” There is an active move on our part as it relates to rest. Sabbath throughout Scripture is an intentional thing, not something that is thrown together at the end.

The reality of being intentional also comes into play when it comes to our calendars and how we spend our time. Our lack of rest, while we often blame others, really comes down to our problem of stopping, trusting God, and being okay with not doing certain things.

You’ve heard me say that every time you say yes to one thing, you say no to something else.

Maybe you should take your kids out of activities so that you can spend the evening together. The number one complaint I hear from people is, “I don’t have time. I don’t have time for hobbies, sleep, marriage, relationships, kids, or reading my Bible.” You do; you just gave that time away. You give your time to the things that matter most. So what gets your time is what is essential. This is why taking control of your calendar matters. If you don’t control your calendar, someone else will.

Learn how you rest best. What does enjoying God look like? I think there are some basic principles, but each of us will do this in unique ways. If the goal of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever, Sabbath rest is a great way to do this.

This will also include the reality of a place for all of us. Place matters when it comes to glorifying God, enjoying God, and resting in God.

The place is throughout Scripture. Adam and Eve were given a garden, the nation of Israel was given a land, and the church is given a city in Revelation. There is a place where rest, connecting to God, feeling closer to God happen for us, and it is essential to think through that. For some, it is a farm, the woods, a mountain, a city, a beach, but figure it out.

Fight against technology. A few practical things help me: resting from social media once a week, not having phones at the table so I can enjoy family time and conversations with friends, and not checking email at night or on the weekends. The sad thing is that study after study says that as we become more and more technological as a culture, we become more distant and lonely.

Review your day and week. In his helpful book The Rest of God, Mark Buchanan says that at the end of your day, ask: Where did I feel most alive, most hopeful, most in the presence of God? And where did I feel most dead, most despairing, farthest from God? What fulfilled me, and what left me forsaken? Where did I taste consolation, and where desolation? This helps you to see where God is moving and at work. Part of Sabbath rest is celebrating that God is in control, resting in that, and praising God’s goodness in our lives.

Why Job Hunting is so Exhausting

MacBook Pro, white ceramic mug,and black smartphone on table

Recently, I’ve heard from several pastors and friends who are looking for new jobs and experiencing what many have called “the great resignation.” And after experiencing my job transition, it’s caused me to reflect on it as I’ve walked with them.

If you are in the place of looking for a new job, especially a ministry one, know that you aren’t alone. And know that it is challenging and exciting all at the same time.

As I listen to friends walking through it and reflect on my process, here are some things I learned:

You’re still doing your job & the balance is a lot. Chances are, while you are praying, discerning, and looking; you still have a job.

The balance becomes incredibly taxing physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and relationally, as you’ll see in the other reasons. You are waking up each day, trying to be faithful to what is in front of you while at the same time trying to discern what God is doing in your heart. And the balance becomes exhausting.

There were days when I would work all day (often all on zoom) and then hop on one or two zoom interviews at night. And it begins to push the boundaries of what is sustainable.

The longer it goes on, the harder it is to stay focused on your job and stay present with what is in front of you.

It’s lonely because you can’t talk about it with close friends or co-workers. This is especially true in ministry situations. In most companies, it seems more normal to interview for jobs, but because of how relational pastoral ministry is, it makes talking about your desire to move harder.

Now, I know some pastors share with friends or staff to pray with them as they discern a move, but I think you need to be careful with that and when you do that. When you tell people and who you tell can be dicey. What if it doesn’t work out? Just because you feel like your time is ending doesn’t mean it is. I can tell you story after story of ministry jobs that have fallen through. I had one 18 years ago when I moved our stuff to Colorado, and it fell through. I would be cautious when you tell people you are thinking about leaving because it is hard for them to process that if you stay. This includes when you bring your kids into the mix.

You don’t know where you’ll be, so the uncertainty is hard. This is one of the things that begins to weigh on your spouse and your kids if they know you are looking for a new job. 

It is hard to make plans for your future when you aren’t sure if you will be in the same house or state next year. This creates a lot of anxiety, and there is a limit to how long you can live in this limbo. 

You put yourself out there and tell your story, but the interview teams don’t reciprocate. Looking back, this is what made me exhausted emotionally. 

The team would ask about my marriage, kids, leadership journey, hurts, and joys in life and ministry in each interview. This is a way of getting to know a candidate and connecting, but the interview team notes and moves on to the following questions. Which they should. But it is hard as a candidate when you are telling the same stories, putting yourself out there on multiple occasions. Most nights in the interview process, I would be exhausted, and this was why. 

As a candidate, you need to be aware of all energy levels. But as the job hunt wears on, your physical and emotional energy will often wane because of how much output you have in the interview process. Be aware of what this might mean for your other relationships because you can inadvertently pull away from friends and family because of how tiring it is. 

On a practical level, you have to pack and find a new place to live and new schools to go to. And that’s only the beginning. There are projects needed to be done to sell your house and then tasks at the new home. This is exciting but also adds to the stress. You are figuring out a new place and what that might mean, helping your kids say goodbye to friends as you say goodbye to friends. 

It’s hard on your spouse. Tyler Staton made a great observation in a podcast that while he had a new exciting role he was moving into, his wife would continue to live her life and experiences but do it in a new place without her community.

You have to figure out Covid in the new place, and you didn’t rally with the team and suffer with them, and they’re exhausted. I  picked up on this as I talked with churches around the country. While we all experienced covid and online church, we all experienced it differently depending on our location. This might be less of an issue now, but the effects of the pandemic still linger in life and churches depending on the area and how things were handled. 

There are more things, but this list, looking back, is what made our job hunt so exhausting. 

If you are in that season right now, know you are not alone and that it will one day end. 

1 Question to Save You From Regret

Last Sunday in our series Better Decisions, Fewer Regrets, we asked the question, In light of my past experiences, current circumstances, and future hopes and dreams, what is the wise thing to do?

So, let’s get real specific on that. 

What are your future hopes and dreams as it relates to the following:

  • Finances
  • Career
  • Family
  • Friends
  • School 
  • Health
  • Spiritual growth

Twelve months from now, where do you hope to be?

I want to encourage you to be specific on this. Too often, we have vague goals, fuzzy hopes and dreams. 

One of my favorite Andy Stanley quotes is, “Everybody ends up somewhere in life. I recommend you end up somewhere on purpose.”

Now that you are clear on your future hopes and dreams let’s work backward. 

Of all the questions that Andy shares in his book Better Decisions, Fewer Regrets: 5 Questions to Help You Determine Your Next Move, this is my favorite and the one I use the most with my kids and in my own life. It is also one of the main reasons we left Arizona and moved to New England.

So, how do we end up somewhere on purpose? How do we make decisions, so we don’t sell ourselves a regret?

By asking, In light of my past experiences, my current circumstances, and my future hopes and dreams, what is the wise thing to do?

Let’s break this down one at a time.

Your past. 

Your past is yours. It’s unique. It is your story; it is what has gone before you. Your story is different from any other story on the planet. 

Your experiences, relationships, how you’ve handled money are unique to you. Yes, there are similarities to others, but yours have shaped your past.

How your parents’ marriage went and how they handled money. 

All of those things are part of your past and are essential. What your past is, though, is something important. It shows you some things you can easily fall into, some temptations that could snag you that might not snag someone else. It offers you things you need to pay attention to and be aware of. 

So, In light of your past experiences, what is the wise thing to do?

It might mean you don’t go to certain places or watch certain things. It might mean you have boundaries other people don’t. But our past matters. 

Current circumstances. 

This is the reality that life is seasonal. 

The energy you have as a teenager is different than that of an empty nester. 

The risks you take in your 20’s are a bit different than in your 40’s.

Your emotional state is different right now than it was five years ago. 

The reality for all of us is the impact covid has had on our world and our emotional, physical, and mental well-being. 

What is going on in your life right now as you face that decision? What is your marriage like? How much time and energy do you have for that new opportunity? How will it affect your most important relationships if you do this or that?

Often, we think about what it will bring if we say yes; we rarely ask if we can handle it. Or we assume everyone will adjust because “it’s my life and my dream.” But those who have to change are part of your current circumstances. 

Sometimes we need to wait, defer, pause, postpone or sit one out. 

Is now the time to start that business in light of your current circumstances?

Should you get back in a relationship in light of your current circumstances?

Should you go back to school in light of your current circumstances?

This is why Paul tells us to pay attention (Ephesians 5:15 – 17). We often know the answer to these questions, but we don’t like them. 

A series of unwise decisions always precede our greatest regrets. 

This brings us to the last part:

Future hopes and dreams. 

What has God placed on your heart? What dreams do you carry? What hopes do you have?

Too often, we make decisions that jeopardize our future hopes and dreams. 

We do this by saying things like, “I’m not doing anything illegal, people do this all the time, I’m not hurting anyone, I can handle it. God will forgive me.”

We say those things right before we get a regret to carry.

In light of my past experiences, my current circumstances, and my future hopes and dreams, what is the wise thing to do?

For our family, this was a question we consistently asked ourselves as we interviewed with churches around the country and tried to discern what God was saying to us. Our past experiences kept us from particular churches and situations. Our current circumstances made us turn down some things. And our future hopes and dreams helped us make sure that we asked the right questions.

How to Set Goals You’ll Reach

three pens on white paper

 

Since we’re now at the end of January and the luster of New Years Resolutions has begun to wear off, I felt like it’s time to share some ideas on how to set goals and keep them.

Resolutions are just that, goals. They are hopes for the future. In December we look at our lives, see the things we don’t like about them, and set a goal to change that specific area of our lives.

No one makes a resolution to get into more debt or add 30 pounds (at least not that I have met).

Here are 6 ways to set goals, keep them and accomplish them.

Be realistic. If your goal is to lose weight, losing 20 pounds in 2 weeks isn’t likely or realistic. Possibly if you just stop eating, but that sounds miserable. The excitement of what could be is easy to get caught up in, but the reality that you will all of a sudden get up at 5 am 4 days a week when you have been struggling to get up by 7 am isn’t realistic.

Set goals you want to keep. I have had friends set a goal and they are miserable. Now, sometimes our goals will have some pain. When I lost 130 pounds, it wasn’t fun to change my eating habits, but the short-term pain was worth it. The same goes for debt. It will require some pain to get out of debt. You have to walk a fine line here. If it is too painful, you will not want to keep it. This is why our goals are often more of a process than a quick fix.

People often ask me the best workout or eating plan. The answer is, the one you’ll do. The same goes for Bible reading, giving, and community. The best goal is the one you’ll go after.

Make them measurable. Don’t make a goal: to lose weight, get out of debt or read my Bible more. Those aren’t measurable. How much weight? How much debt? How much more will you read your Bible? Make the goal measurable so you can see how you are doing.

Have a plan. Once you have your goal, you need a plan. If it’s weight loss, what will you do? If it’s debt, how will you get there? What are the steps? If it’s Bible reading, what plan are you using? No goal is reached without a plan.

When will you workout? When will you read your Bible? Where will you do those things? What will you do when you open your Bible or get to the gym?

What is your plan for getting out of debt, or going back to school?

Too many goals get left on the floor because they lack a plan.

Get some accountability. Equally important is accountability. One of the things I did when I weighed 285 pounds and started mountain biking was I bought some bike shorts that were too small and embarrassing to wear. This gave me the accountability to keep riding. Your accountability might be a spouse or a friend, but it needs to be someone that can actually push you. Maybe you need to go public with your goal and invite people to help you stay on track.

Remove barriers to your goals. Your goals have barriers, that’s why you have to set goals in the first place. It might be waking up, the kind of food in your house, credit cards, working too late, or wasting time on your phone. Whatever it is that is going to keep you from accomplishing it, remove it. Get rid of the ice cream, credit cards, move your alarm clock so you have to get out of bed. Whatever it is, do it. Life is too short to be miserable and not accomplish your goals.

The First Step to Making Better Decisions

Am I being honest with myself?

Really?

That’s the first question in Andy Stanley’s great book Better Decisions, Fewer Regrets: 5 Questions to Help You Determine Your Next Move

The reality is, we can talk ourselves into anything. We can convince ourselves of anything.

We can see train wrecks and bad decisions a mile away in others. We are often blinded to those same bad decisions in our lives, which leads to more regrets. But, and this is the point of the book and the series we are in at CCC, if we ask ourselves better questions, we will make better decisions, which will lead to fewer regrets.

Andy Stanley says that there are 3 categories of decisions that create the majority of our regrets:

  • Purchases
  • Relationships
  • Habits

Let’s take them one at a time.

Purchases: Do you know how Amazon gets me every time? People who bought this also bought this. So it gets me every time!

We have all bought things because of that. We’ve all talked ourselves into purchases that we didn’t need. Some were small, like a book or a shirt. Others were big, like a car or a house. 

Now, pausing to ask, “Am I being honest with myself…Really?” may not cause you not to buy something, but it might cause you to rethink it. Why are you buying this? Do you really need it? Are you buying it to fit in? Can it wait?

Relationships: Have you ever talked yourself into a bad relationship? You knew after the first date that he wasn’t right. You knew after the first coffee you weren’t compatible. 

Maybe you had a parent or a friend who said, “you should pay attention to that.” But we’ll turn around and say something like, “you don’t know her as I do. You don’t know him as I do.” Or, “Sure, he’s angry, but he’s under a lot of pressure. He’s going to go back to school.” Or, “Yes, she’s always in the middle of the drama, but that’s because of the other people.”

Almost every time I have sat with a couple contemplating divorce and they tell me why, I’ll ask, “Did you see this while you were dating?” Almost every time, they’ll say something like this, “Yes, but I thought I could change them. I thought they’d grow out of it.”

Habits: Do you have a habit you wish you could stop? A habit that you have told others you would stop, that you can handle it. Slowly, that habit became an addiction. A thing you couldn’t live without. Our heart sees something, our emotions want something, so our brain convinces us we should do that. We justify it by saying, “I need that.”

In each of these categories, if we were to pull back and ask ourselves, “Am I being honest with myself? Really?” we would find ourselves able to make a better decision. We would at least have the information to see we might be talking ourselves into something we don’t want to.

The truth is, we can talk ourselves into a great future or one filled with regrets. 

Finding Your Word for the Year

Apple AirPods near MacBook

Every year, millions of Americans will set goals for the coming year, and by February, the vast majority of them have given up. 

One of the things I like to do is focus on one thing for the year. One goal, one thing I want to grow in or learn. While I might hit more than one thing, focusing on one thing not only helps me accomplish what I set out to do but also brings a lot of focus to my life. 

Over the years, I have loved the power of having a word for the year. A word that describes the kind of person I hope to become, the kind of follower of Jesus, husband, father, friend, sibling, and boss. 

One word. One focus. 

How do you come up with that? Here are a few simple steps to do one your own:

1. Ask the question: What kind of person do I want to become in the coming year? Another way to ask this is, If I become more like Jesus in the next year, what would that mean? I would encourage you to make a list. You don’t need to narrow it down yet, and your list can be as long as you want.

You can focus on your most important relationships: parent, spouse, friend, boss, employee, child. 

Your list might have words like generous, patient, joyful, calm, faith, etc. But, again, you aren’t narrowing it down yet; you are brainstorming what God is putting on your heart. 

I think it is good to have this be your own word because it might be different from your spouse or your family. I think it is a good idea for each person to do this on their own and then come together to see what God might be saying to your spouse or family.

2. Pray through what comes to mind. Now is when you want to start editing your list and asking God for help.

Are there words that stand out? Are there words you’d like to avoid? I often find my word is one I’d rather not focus on. 

Maybe as you think through this, you will start to see words around or come up in conversations. If that happens, that’s a way of God speaking to you for your year. 

You can also share your list with your spouse or a friend to ask if they have any insight. God will often use someone else to speak to us. 

3. Find a Scripture connected to your word. I’d encourage you as well to find a verse related to your word, a passage that you want to focus on for the year. It might also be a verse that you plan to memorize. Put this verse in a place where you will see it often. If you need help, you can search here.

4. Share your word. Once you have it, please share it with your spouse, small group, and online.

When we verbalize something, we are more likely to remember it, focus on it, and live it out. You can use it as wallpaper on your phone or a screen saver.

5. Live your word. Look for ways to live out your word. Maybe try to find a book or podcast about your word that you can read and spend intentional time growing in.

I’d also encourage you in your community group to pull your words out each month and share how you are doing, celebrate how you are growing, and encourage each other when you fall behind. 

The Power of Your Word for the Year

This is the sign you've been looking for neon signage

Every year, many Americans will set a New Years Resolution. Over 50% of Americans will select one, but more than half have given up by summer.

I remember seeing a meme that said, “A new year’s resolutions are just a to-do list for the first week of January.”

And that’s how it feels sometimes. 

These goals range from losing weight, starting a business or school, quitting smoking and vaping, getting out of debt. 

Resolutions are helpful, and maybe they bring you to focus, but I think they are missing something. 

Twelve years ago, I was there. Then, I weighed 300 pounds, and I was miserable. To read more about my weight loss journey, you can read it here.

Every year, I said, this was the year I would lose weight. When Katie and I got married, I was 200 pounds heavier than her. A friend told me once that she married me as an investment. 

At one of my lowest points, I blamed her for my weight. Finally, I told her that I would lose weight if she cooked healthier food. To which she told me, “We eat the same food.”

Ouch. 

I tried diets, exercise plans, fasting, everything it seemed, and nothing worked or stuck. 

We went to a doctor, and I told him, “I want to lose weight. I want to be skinny.” He looked at me and said, “Josh, that is a terrible goal.” 

What?

He said, “you need to lose weight because you aren’t even 30 yet, and you are incredibly unhealthy, but losing weight is a terrible goal for anyone.” So instead, he said, “make being healthy your goal.” Here’s what is fascinating to me now; he was right.  It was not only how it played out in my life but also how Scripture and research back this up. 

Proverbs 4 says:

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Keep your mouth free of perversity; keep corrupt talk far from your lips. Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways. Do not turn to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil.

Your heart is the center of who you are. It is about what and who you love and your desires, longings, and dreams. It also defines the person you are becoming. And yes, God cares about the person you are becoming.

What do you love? What do you desire? What do you think is most important right now and in 2022? What would you like to happen this year?

The writer of Proverbs tells us to give careful thought to it. Too often, we are flippant about our goals, loves, and desires. But as one writer said, “You are what you love.”

We need to pay attention to desires, especially the desires in our hearts because they will drive us in life. And, this is so important; we need to bring those desires to God to see if they are from him. We want to see if they are worth our time and energy, and if that is who he created us to be.

Too often, though, our cultural narrative is, if you desire it, if you want it, it must be right for you. But asking what God thinks of something can sound negative, so let’s reframe the question: What does God want you to focus on in 2022? What kind of person does God want you to become in 2022? Next week, I’ll share a more detailed process of figuring this out, but start thinking about this now.

But how do we know? How do we know if we have the right focus?

The writer of Proverbs tells us in verse 25: Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways. Do not turn to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil.

This is the principle of one focus. It matters what we focus on, what we look to. That focus, that attention will determine the person we become.

In one of my favorite books of all time (it’s on my kid’s high school reading list, too), Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones by James Clear. And his research backs up Proverbs 4. 

Clear said that becoming a new person, keeping a new habit is wrapped up in a simple two-step process:

  1. First, decide the type of person you want to be.
  2. Then, prove it to yourself with small wins.

Decide the type of person you want to be. This is the focus that Proverbs 4 talked about. What we focus on and what we give our attention to determines who we become. 

Who you are, who you are becoming. Not just who you are growing into, but what kind of person does God want you to become this year and beyond?

Often, we think God cares about what we do and feel, and he does, but God also cares deeply about the person we are becoming. He created and designed you a specific way, with particular gifts, talents, and abilities. Therefore, what you can do is unique to you. 

Too often, though, we live someone else’s dreams. We go after someone else’s goals. We try to have someone else’s marriage or career live up to a family standard. 

I talk to many students who want to do one thing, but their parents want them to do something else, and they give up their dream. They give up their focus. 

This point is why my doctor was right. There is a difference between being healthy and losing weight. We all know people who eat fast food six times a week and are skinny. You can lose weight and not be healthy. I had lost weight countless times and put it back on, all without becoming healthy. 

Being healthy is about the person I was becoming. 

And what I learned for me is so crucial: Being healthy is about what is happening in you. Losing weight is what is happening to you. 

Prove it to yourself with small wins. 

What we often do with a goal is to set unrealistic expectations. For example, we say I’m going to start running this year and run five days a week. Well, how often do you run now? I don’t. Or, I’m going to get up at 4 am to pray and read my bible. What time do you get up now? 7. That’s not realistic. 

I love what James Clear tells clients to do to lose weight. He tells them to go to the gym for 5 minutes a day, three days a week. Walk in, lift a weight, do one exercise. He says they always look at him like that is the dumbest idea on the planet, but he tells them, “Right now, you aren’t the kind of person who goes to the gym. You have to become the kind of person who goes to the gym.”

And that small win, of making it there three days a week for 5 minutes each day becomes 10 minutes, which becomes 20, and so on. 

I think having a word for the year can be so important. It answers the question, who am I becoming this year? What am I focusing on this year?

The benefit of having a word over a resolution or a goal is that it defines who you will become in a year and what you will focus on. A resolution and goal can wrap themselves up in this, but a word gives so much more power to your life.

It decides the story you will tell for your year.

Pastor, Plan Some Down Time During the Holidays

pink breathe neon sign

Photo by Fabian Møller on Unsplash

I talk to a lot of pastors who are exhausted right now.

I know everyone is tired right now. It’s December, we’ve been in covid for almost two years.

But December, for a lot of pastors, is an exhausting time.

That’s why, pastors, here is my encouragement for you: Plan some downtime. 

Christmas Eve is almost upon us, and I want to encourage you to plan some downtime between Christmas and New Year.

Here’s how:

Be honest with someone (and yourself) about where you are. This may become a longer post later, but be honest about where you are. Recently Barna revealed that 38% of pastors have seriously thought about leaving the ministry in the past year. That is a staggering stat. And I get it. These last few years have been hard for pastors. The encouragement we used to get isn’t there as much. We don’t feel like we are winning or moving forward. No matter what we do, we make someone mad.

It’s natural, and you have to be honest with yourself and someone else about it. Tell a trusted friend, mentor, counselor, or spouse. If you need to vent, vent to someone. Journal, spend some time talking with God. But enter 2022 without carrying some of that weight.

Get someone else to preach for you. If your church is meeting on December 26th (and this blog isn’t a theological stance on it), get someone else to preach for you so you can get some downtime. You might think, but I don’t have anyone. If that’s you, show a video of a sermon that impacted you this past year. Our church decided to get creative and do church @ home on January 2nd. We are putting boxes together for our community groups for that day for brunch and other activities, and encouraging them to meet together and watch the service. The church @ home also gives our volunteers a much-needed sabbath week from our Christmas services.

Sleep in. Over the holidays, do your best to sleep in. I make it a habit not to set my alarm on Monday mornings since I often get a terrible night of sleep on Saturday nights, and I’m exhausted from Sunday. You don’t need to sleep the days away over your Christmas break, although if you do, that’s okay too. But make sure you get some rest.

Spend time with friends that fill your tank. You will be around many people in December, and you will give out a lot to other people. That’s what you do as a pastor. So make sure you spend some time with people who fill your tank. Try to be with people who make you laugh, listen to you as a person and not a pastor, and just let you be yourself.

Read a book or watch a movie. Read a book for fun and watch some movies or shows you’ve been putting off. I have a rule on a week off, like no ministry reading between Christmas and New Year. So give your brain a break and let things go.

Meet with a counselor. If you don’t already, meet with a Christian counselor. I think every pastor should be meeting with some mentor, coach, or counselor. You need someone who will ask you hard questions, speak the truth to you, and draw out what God is doing in your life because you do that for many other people.

Finally, do things that fill you up. One of the things that I have loved since moving to New England (which has surprised me) is how much I enjoy yard work. I think it is part of the accomplishment when it’s done. But do things that fill your tank, speak to your soul, and make you laugh.

Whatever you do, make a plan right now so that when 2022 hits, you are at a full tank (or a fuller tank than you have right now).

Making December Special

December is a unique, special month.

There are parties to attend, gifts to buy, cards to send, food to make and eat, and memories to be made. Kids will be off from school; parents will be off from work; Christmas specials will be on TV.

If you plan as a parent, you can make December a special month.

Here are some ideas:

Listen to Christmas music. I’m not a big fan of Christmas music. If you know me, this isn’t news. However, we listen to it almost non-stop until Christmas starting at Thanksgiving. Why? It is a good tradition. The songs are about Jesus, and my kids love music. I look for Christmas music we like and create a playlist that I load onto Spotify to listen to it wherever we are. And we try to listen to Christmas records on our record player as we slow down in December. This helps to change the month’s mood and communicates that this time of year is different. It has its music.

Watch Christmas Specials. This is one of my favorite memories from growing up, and they never get old.

The tree. Whether you go out and cut down your tree, buy one, or have a fake one (like we did in AZ), make putting up the tree special. This is our first year in 15 years when we got a real one! So build it up, plan it, make your ornaments, tell stories about the decorations you are putting up, and listen to Christmas music while doing it.

Do a special outing as a family. Some families go caroling or sledding. Some shop on Black Friday together. One of our traditions is to eat at the Ethiopian restaurant (one of our sons is Ethiopian) and then look at Christmas lights. Do some unique things during this month together. 

Eat special (and bad for you) food. I’m a health nut about what I eat. At the holidays, I ease off the gas pedal on that. Eat an extra dessert. Have the same thing each year to create a tradition. At our house on Christmas Eve, we make cream of crab soup and have chocolate fondue for dessert. We don’t make it any other time, so it is extra special.

Celebrate Advent. One of our favorites is, Counting the Days, Lighting the Candles: A Christmas Advent Devotional. Of course, we do this as well with Legos and the Jesse tree, but spend some time this month slowing down to celebrate Advent and how God is with us in the in-between

Give your wife a break. Our church closes its offices between Christmas and New Year’s, so our staff slows down and has a break (and there’s a good chance you’ll have some days off or work not quite as hard). During this time, I can give Katie some downtime to get out without the kids, take an extra coffee date with a friend, or take a nap. This is an excellent time for you to serve your spouse. You might also pick a time in December for her to sit at a coffee shop alone, get her nails done, or send her and some friends to dinner.

Slow down and be together. Years from now, your kids will remember very little about life as a child, but they will remember if you were there. So will you. Don’t miss it. Work isn’t that important. That party isn’t that important. Shopping for one more thing isn’t that important if it keeps you from being with those you love. I’ve been reminded recently, by the illnesses of close friends, of the brevity of life. If your kids ask you to snuggle or lie down with them, do it. One day they won’t ask.