20 Things I’ve Learned About Marriage after 20 Years

Today, Katie and I celebrate 20 years of marriage.

It is hard to believe that 20 years ago, on a cold and cloudy day in Pennsylvania, we said, “I do.”

We have been through a lot over the years. We have moved to multiple states, started a church, adopted two kids, and moved across the country to start a new adventure.

As we sat together last night and reflected on the years, we have learned a lot and seen a lot.

I thought I’d share 20 things I’ve learned over the 20 years:

Love is a choice. Yes, love is an emotion, to a degree. But love is first a choice. You choose to love the other person. You decide to love yourself.

There are many mornings when you wake up, and you don’t feel love for yourself or your spouse, but you choose to love them. Your spouse will hurt you and let you down and miss things; you will do the same to them. But decide to love them, the person they are, not the person you imagined you were marrying (because they do change over time, more on that later!).

Your story catches up to you. At some point in your mid-life, your story catches up to you. All the things said and done to you, all the scars and wounds you carry catch up to you. We spend a lot of our lives trying to pretend they aren’t there or running from them. Vulnerability and intimacy have a way of bringing those scars out.

Decide you will last. This might seem obvious, although many of this list might be obvious.

But a mentor told me once, “Josh, decide you will make it to the end in marriage and that nothing will stop that.” Marriage has incredible moments, moments, unlike any other relationship. But it also has some incredibly dark and challenging moments. Decide that you will make it “til death do us part.

Choose your spouse over everything. There will be many opportunities to choose something or someone over your spouse: your parents, a job, a child, a hobby. Don’t. This doesn’t mean you don’t love your kids or parents, but you always choose your spouse over everyone (apart from Jesus) and everything else. And yes, your kids are not the center of your marriage; they will leave one day.

Set your rules. Every couple has rules, some written down and some unwritten.

Some of our rules are: we share our passwords to every computer, calendar, phone, email, and social media account with the other person (I always joke that Katie could make me disappear online).

We never make fun of the other person. Ever.

We share our bank accounts.

There are more, but you get the idea. Set your rules as a couple and stick to them.

Don’t stop learning about your spouse. It is easy to think you know everything about your spouse, but there’s a chance you don’t. So, ask questions, and be curious. Learn with them. Grow together, do things they enjoy that might take you out of your comfort zone. If you need a place to start, try this.

You also need to understand that there is a good chance you married your opposite. This is what drew you together but can also pull you apart if you aren’t careful. It is important to know your spouse’s personality, how they get life, what drains them of energy, and how they respond to stress, if they are verbal or mental processors (usually opposites in marriage). 

Be a student of them. 

The highlights you see online don’t tell the whole story. It is easy to compare your real life to the imagined life on Instagram, but it will steal your joy if you do.

The highlight reel you see online is not the whole story. You don’t see that couple fight, clean their house or pick out paint colors.

Guard your heart and mind as you look at what other people post and what others say. We aren’t honest with many people, and in that, it can be easy to think others have it so much better than we do.

Belief in your spouse is powerful. One of the greatest gifts Katie has given me is her belief in me. She has sat on the front row of so many sermons, sacrificed to see me reach goals and do what God has called me to do. Her belief in my skills and abilities has given me the courage to go further than I would on my own.

That is powerful.

The flip side is also true. When a spouse doesn’t believe in the other person, that is also powerful. We carry a lot of power in our words to bless and harm.

Know who does what and encourage the other person. One of the most important things in a marriage is figuring out who will do what. Most people get married and assume that what their parents did is what they’ll do (or the exact opposite). This takes some negotiating together and a lot of grace.

But learn what you do well in your marriage and life.

Then encourage them to go after it.

Don’t stop complimenting them. It is easy to stop praising your spouse and not know it. It is easy to stop saying thank you to your spouse and not know it. 

Life gets busy, you’ve seen your spouse in all kinds of situations, and you think, “They know I love them and appreciate them.” And for some of us, compliments don’t mean as much. 

But compliment them. Thank them for the little things they do. I always marvel at all the things in my life that get done without me doing them; those are Katie. I can take them for granted (which I do too often), or I can thank her and acknowledge what she does. 

Purity matters…a lot. This might seem obvious, but this still makes the list. 

It is easy for men and women not to be pure somehow, but not having purity in your marriage is incredibly harmful. This isn’t just sexual but also emotional, mental, and relational. 

Keep yourself pure and make sure that you are growing closer to your spouse, not someone else. 

Set up boundaries for this, and talk about what you need to stay connected sexually, emotionally, relationally, mentally, and spiritually. And yes, you should know what those things are for each other. 

Know what season of life you are in. This is a whole post in itself. Know where you are in life. Know what you can handle physically and emotionally, how much energy you have, if you are doing internal work with a counselor, starting a business, etc. 

We’re in our 40s, so there are things we did in our 20s that we can’t do now. I need more sleep now than I got in my 20s. 

Every season is different. When we moved to Massachusetts, we immediately felt like we hit a new season of parenting, having almost four teenagers. And we did. So, we sat down to talk through what this season meant, what we have the capacity for, how that impacts our rhythms and needs, and how we flourish in it. 

Get counseling and mentors. I know in some Christian circles that counseling can have a stigma to it, and that’s too bad. Almost everyone should be meeting with some counselor or spiritual director. The benefits we have received from solid Christian counseling are immense and life/marriage-saving. 

To have someone who will ask hard questions and point the finger at places I need to deal with has been a godsend. Not easy or always pleasant, but a godsend. 

Don’t wait until you need counseling to find a counselor. 

For mentors, look for a couple that is further along than you are, who has a marriage or something about their marriage or parenting you want to emulate. Then spend time with them. We are picking the brains of empty nesters, trying to discern what it looks like between now and then, and navigating the teen years. 

Pray together. We aren’t pros at this, and many nights, we fall asleep without praying together, but when we miss a day, we get back to it the next day. 

Pray together at meals, when you face big and small decisions, when you feel lost or stuck. Share with your spouse what you need prayer for and ask how you can pray for them. 

Prayer requests are a great way to see into the heart and struggles of your spouse. 

Laughter matters…a lot. Marry someone you have fun with and who makes you laugh. 

Katie always keeps me on my toes; she is more fun than I am and more spontaneous. And she is a blast to be around. 

For me, God knew I needed someone who would help me to laugh because I am so serious. 

Lead your wife. Husbands, one of your jobs is to lead your wife spiritually. Ephesians 5 says that you will present your wife to Jesus one day. 

Throughout the years, I have listened to Katie as she shares what she is going through and then bought her books to help her along life’s paths—finding opportunities to grow professionally and personally. 

One of my goals is that Katie will be able to say she is better for having been married to me

Date nights and getaways. Never stop pursuing and dating your spouse. Buy them gifts, surprise them with things, and have a weekly date night and getaway each year. 

None of that has to be extravagant; it could be as simple as sitting together at a coffee shop or shopping together. But make plans and follow through on them. 

Dream together. On our honeymoon, we talked and dreamed about what life would be like. Some of that came true. Some didn’t.

At the beginning of covid, we both did Paterson Life Plans, and it was incredibly clarifying. It helped us name this decade our “launch decade” as we prepare to launch five healthy, mature adults who love Jesus (our goal). We also talked and dreamed about what life and ministry will look like as empty nesters and how to prepare for that.

Make time to dream together.

Be a great servant lover. It is easy to be a selfish lover, to look out for your physical needs over the other person.

This is a great way to ensure you end up in a frigid marriage

Ask your spouse what they like and don’t like physically. And know that throughout your life, this will change. This is impacted not only by health and age but also by things your spouse is going through or what your kids are going through and your energy. 

Be kind, soft, and compassionate to the other person and yourself. 

And lastly, this is a big one:

Affection is the barometer of your marriage. I had a guy tell me recently that this isn’t true. 

But I stick by this. 

If you want to know the health of your marriage, look at your affection. 

And affection is not the same thing as sex. Affection is pursuit, kindness, holding hands, hugging, kissing hello or goodbye, saying kind things to the other person, sitting close to the other person, and serving them. All of those things go into affection. 

Affection is also the first thing to go in a marriage when life gets busy, or we start to feel distant. Slowly, you don’t sit close to the other person; you don’t pick them up something from Starbucks when you’re out; you don’t get what they like at the grocery store. 

That’s affection. 

One of the things we are constantly watching is our affection. 

There are a lot of other lessons over the years, but those are the twenty things I’ve learned. 

The Key to Relationships that Last

man and woman holding hands

Healthy relationships take work. Healthy marriages that people want to stay in don’t just happen, although we think they do. We believe two people magically work together, never fight, never have an issue or disagreement to work through, but they do.

So, where do things go wrong? How can a friendship that was working so well, a marriage that seemed so right, all of a sudden seem all wrong?

On Sunday, as we wrapped up our series The Better Half, we looked at the one thing we need to make a relationship last. 

Yes, lots of things go into a relationship, but a few things move the needle more in a relationship than other things. 

Before getting to know about those, how do relationships break down? Here are a few things I’ve noticed:

It’s too much work. Healthy relationships take a lot of work. It means being patient, listening, hearing someone out, and putting your wants and privileges aside. That’s work. We often throw in the towel on a relationship because of the work it will take. 

It hurts too much to face our past or do the hard work. As we’ll see later, almost every fight in a relationship is not about what you are fighting about. You are fighting with a past incident, a hurt you haven’t dealt with, a person you see in the person in front of you. They remind you of your dad, your mom; they said words similar to an abuser or someone you were supposed to trust. Healthy people face their past and see it redeemed in the power of Jesus. Unhealthy people use their past and stay the victim instead of finding healing. This is hard work and can be incredibly painful. In any argument, you have to ask the crucial question, “Are we fighting about this? What are we really fighting about? Who am I really fighting with?”

They’re lazy and selfish; they want the other person to do all the work and change. Just like #1, being lazy and selfish in relationships is easy. Serving, putting in the work, putting the other person’s needs and wants first take work. Often, too, we want the other person to put in the work to become a healthy person while we stay unhealthy. “I’ll hold on to that incident and bring it up whenever it suits me. I’ll remind them of my hurt instead of dealing with my hurt.” The reality is you can only change one person in a relationship, which is the one you see in the mirror. 

They think they are better than their spouse or the other person. Sometimes people are in an unhealthy relationship because they believe they are less sinful than others. They look down on them. They wouldn’t say this, but they hold the other person’s sin in contempt, thinking, “How can they not see that? Why do they struggle with that?” They turn up their noses at the thought of putting in the hard work to reconcile with a spouse or a friend. They will say it is the other person’s fault, but deep down, they are the least sinful person they know.

Confuse what reconciliation means. Reconciliation doesn’t mean you are friends with everyone. You might need to protect yourself from an abusive situation, and you may need to protect your kids as well. Reconciliation does mean that you don’t hold it against the person anymore, that you don’t bring up the past. You stop saying, “Remember…?”

So what do healthy couples and healthy people in relationships do differently?

They do many things, but here are a few:

They grow close to Jesus. This may seem obvious, but if you stray from Jesus, stop reading your Bible, feel your relationship with Jesus suffer, lots of things go wrong. Your desire to fight sin goes down. Your desire to love and serve the other person goes down. Your desire to stay pure goes down, all because of one thing. Couples who make it to the end keep God at the center of their marriage. They grow together spiritually; they take control of their spiritual lives and don’t leave it to chance. They read solid books together; they pray together; they have a plan for how they will disciple their kids (they don’t leave that to chance either.) They attend church together, are in a Christian community, and serve to use their gifts and talents. God is not some figure that appears periodically in their marriage but is who the marriage and family revolve around. For me, I think men should be asking how they can help their wives grow and become all God has called them to be. This is the outworking of growing closer to Jesus. 

They protect their marriage. This is something couples kind of stumble through. They take their vows, wear rings, but too many don’t protect themselves when it comes to their minds, hearts, and eyes. Yes, they make sure not to sleep with someone they aren’t married to, but everything else is fair game. A couple who lasts does not do that. They protect their eyes; they aren’t looking at porn; they aren’t fantasizing about that girl at work or the guy in the movie. They aren’t dreaming about their romance novel; they aren’t acting it out (even with their spouse) in their mind. They act with their spouse in mind (and only their spouse.) They make sure nothing will tear them and their spouse apart. They protect themselves while dating and preparing their hearts for their future.

This isn’t just about vows and promises, but about the priority you place on your relationship compared to other relationships. Your kids matter, and you love them, but your kids come after your marriage. One of the fastest ways to go from a great wedding to being roommates is by placing your kids above your spouse. Your kids will be gone one day, and you will have only your spouse. At this point, most couples split because they no longer need to stay together for the kids, and they have nothing in common. Don’t let that happen. This doesn’t mean you neglect your kids and do not do anything with them, but it means they come after your marriage. If you’re unsure where you stand on this, here are ten ways to know you are putting your kids in front of your marriage.

They pursue each other. Pursuit is what got you married (because you started pursuing when you dated.) Pursuit keeps a marriage healthy, and pursuit is the first thing to go out the window of most marriages. The couples who last don’t leave this to chance. They make time for their spouse; they have a yearly getaway with their spouse, weekly date nights, and they do fun things with their spouse. I’ve never had a couple who did this tell me they regretted it. I’ve had lots of couples tell me how they long for this. Here are some ideas for doing date night at home, some rules for date night, and some help for when date night falls apart.

Know that affection is the first thing to go and fight against that. Affection is what goes first—kissing when you say goodbye, holding hands, snuggling. Life is busy; you know your spouse, you have them now, your kids are climbing all over you, you are running late, tired, and want to sleep, you are worried if you snuggle, he will want sex, and you want to go to sleep. All of these things happen to couples who couldn’t keep their hands off each other at one time. Fight this. When you kiss, kiss for 5-10 seconds, throw some tongue in when you are just saying hello or goodbye. Gross your kids out. Hold hands in the car—kiss at a red light. Snuggle at night.

Don’t miss this: the amount of affection you have is one of the best barometers for where your marriage is. Show me a couple with little affection, and I will show you a couple going in opposite directions.

Healthy and growing relationships take intentionality, and they make specific choices. Otherwise, you drift into unhealthiness.

In Honor of Valentine’s Day

Today is Valentine’s Day. Honestly, for Katie and me, Valentine’s Day is essentially like any other day. We don’t go out to eat today because it is crazy expensive. But we also strive to have a weekly date night and check-in time with each other, which doesn’t happen on Monday.

Today is a day when we focus on love when some of us long for love that has been lost or not found yet.

We also started a new series at our church yesterday called The Better Half, where we will spend five weeks looking at how to be the better half in our most important relationships.

Over the years, Katie and I have taught in various settings on marriage and relationships; we have written countless posts about them and read many books and articles on marriage. All to make our relationship the best it can be.

So, I thought I’d share our top 10 posts we’ve ever written on marriage:

  1. 11 Ways to Know You’ve Settled for a Mediocre Marriage
  2. Lies We Believe About Marriage
  3. 18 Things Every Husband Should Know About His Wife
  4. 10 Questions You Should Ask Your Spouse Regularly (this is one of my favorite ones)
  5. The One Thing Destroying Your Marriage That You Don’t Realize
  6. 10 Ways to Know if You’re Putting Your Kids Before Your Spouse
  7. 7 Reasons You Aren’t Communicating with your Spouse
  8. When You and Your Spouse aren’t on the Same Page
  9. Why Your Spouse Doesn’t Listen to You
  10. Quarantine Date Night

Quarantine Date Night

Covid and quarantine have made everything challenging, but I think one of the biggest challenges is how to keep the romance alive in your marriage.

If that is something you are finding a challenge, or maybe you aren’t comfortable going out for dinner or having someone in your house to babysit your kids, here are some ideas on keeping that romance alive while you are at home.

  1. Have a plan. Nothing hurts date night more than having no plan. In the same way that you plan going out, plan what it will look like at home. What will you eat, who is doing what, what time will things get started? Decide those things ahead of time. You may have to be more intentional about the plan for date night at home because you are at home.
  2. Get dressed up. Don’t get into your pajama pants. Nothing shuts your brain down more at the end of a long day like getting into comfortable clothes. Wear what you would wear if you were going out.
  3. No electronics. The fastest way to kill most date nights is turning on the TV, no checking out Facebook or Twitter or your email. Concentrate on each other if you decide together to watch a show or movie, great but make sure that it is part of the plan.
  4. Plan a fun meal. It doesn’t have to be expensive or a feast, but something special. Something you wouldn’t normally eat. Katie and I love to try new recipes, so we’re always searching. There are so many blogs and ideas out there.
  5. Eat with your kids. At home, we do an appetizer while our kids eat so that we can still eat dinner with them, talk with them about their day, and it helps to hold us over until we eat.
  6. Know who will cook and who will put the kids down. It might be more relaxing for your wife to cook. She may want you to handle the kids or vice versa. Whatever it is, communicate that and stick to it.
  7. Pick a night you are awake for. There are certain nights you are more alert and awake than others. Find that night and do date night on that night. If you have a long day on Tuesday, don’t do date night that night. Maximize the night where your energy levels are highest. I find knowing which night date night will help me to be mentally prepared for it.

Bottom line, don’t let your romance fizzle out during this season.

Why Love is So Important in Relationships [Especially in Quarantine]

Katie and I recently did a message on 1 Corinthians 13 in our series Fully Charged. 

It is one of the most well-known passages in the bible. It’s read at most weddings, but what is it telling us? On the one hand, it is about relationships with other people. What it looks like to relate, to have a healthy marriage, friendship, or family. It also shows us what God’s love for us is like towards us. We see a picture of a Father in heaven who loves us in a way that is hard to fathom. But it is also about what spiritual maturity looks like for the follower of Jesus. In the context, Paul says we could have all kinds of gifts, but if we don’t have love, what do we have?

I think this passage is especially important in the world we live in, where we are sheltering in place, spending more time with our family, and missing some of the community that we have built.

Dave Willis said, “We are facing a defining time for marriages. No couple will emerge from this the same as they were before. You’ll either emerge from this crisis stronger by leaning on each other or weaker by fighting with each other.” and I think that’s true. 

So what does it look like to have a healthy relationship in quarantine? Paul lists out what love is and is not.

We’ve already seen that love is patient and kind, and that love does not envy, boast, it is not prideful, dishonoring of others or self-seeking, and how anger and being historical show up in relationships.

But how does it show up in relationships, and why is it so important? Especially in quarantine.

At the end of 1 Corinthians 13, we’re told what love does, and I think, what makes love so powerful in our lives:

Love protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres, and never fails. 

Love protects. We often think of protecting in love as someone standing up for someone or keeping harm from happening, and it is that. It is also protecting your heart, your mind, your desires for love. 

Do you protect your calendar for your most important relationships?

Do you protect your eyes, mind, and keep up the fight against lust so that you can experience all that love has to offer?

Do you face the pain and scars you carry so that they don’t wreak havoc on your most important relationships?

Protection is so much bigger than what we make it out to be, and the reason that many of us don’t face our past is that it is painful.

Love trusts. Many of us struggle to trust, and so we miss love. 

We struggle to be vulnerable, to share all of who we are. 

I know I do. I like to keep things to myself, I’m afraid of being laughed at or sounding silly, and so I hold back. When I do, I miss out on love. I miss out on sharing love and receiving love. 

Love trusts. Love opens itself up. Love is willing to share stories, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities. That doesn’t mean you share everything with everyone, but love means that you share it with someone, and that might be one of the hardest parts of love. 

Love hopes. Hope is a picture of the future, what could be, what this relationship could become. 

And that hope guides my actions, my reactions, my words, and feelings towards the other person. 

One of the things that a married couple must continue to build into and fight for is hope for the future of your relationship and family. It is easy to look at another relationship and see what you don’t have or where you aren’t yet. But don’t lose hope. It is so easy to do that.

Love perseveres and never fails. Love doesn’t quit. Love walks in when everyone walks out. 

Many times, we give up on people or relationships before we should. Often, this has to do with ease or letting go of stressful situations, but love requires us to dig in and persevere.

It is easy to look at the verses in 1 Corinthians 13 and think, I have no hope for love! Because it is a lot, it is a high bar. But also have a deep longing to experience this kind of love. 

These verses give us a picture of God’s love for us. 

But it also shows us where we are supposed to be in our most important relationships. 

Yes, we fall short. 

But this list gives us a glimpse of areas we need to grow in, ask God’s help to accomplish so that those around us feel our love. 

Yet, in God’s grace, Jesus has this love for us. Jesus extends these to us. He keeps no record of wrongs, he serves, his love never fails, it protects, it hopes, and it lasts. God is not easily angered and delights in the truth. The truth of who God is and the truth of who He made us to be. 

Relationships in Quarantine – Anger & Being Historical

relationships

Katie and I recently did a message on 1 Corinthians 13 in our series Fully Charged. 

It is one of the most well-known passages in the bible. It’s read at most weddings, but what is it telling us? On the one hand, it is about relationships with other people. What it looks like to relate, to have a healthy marriage, friendship, or family. It also shows us what God’s love for us is like. We see a picture of a Father in heaven who loves us in a way that is hard to fathom. But it is also about what spiritual maturity looks like. In the context, Paul says we could have all kinds of gifts, but if we don’t have love, what do we have?

I think this passage is especially important in the world we live in, where we are sheltering in place, spending more time with our family, and missing some of the community that we have built.

Dave Willis said, “We are facing a defining time for marriages. No couple will emerge from this the same as they were before. You’ll either emerge from this crisis stronger by leaning on each other or weaker by fighting with each other.” and I think that’s true. 

So what does it look like to have a healthy relationship in quarantine? Paul lists out what love is and is not.

We’ve already seen that love is patient and kind, and that love does not envy, boast, it is not prideful, dishonoring of others or self-seeking.

But two things that can destroy any relationship and they show up in most relationships is anger and being historical.

Anger is connected to patience. We get angry; however, that plays out for us when our spouse or the other person in the relationship makes us wait. They fall behind, make a mistake, don’t do what we want when we want it. 

Love isn’t easily angered. It takes a deep breath; it doesn’t lash out, mentally, verbally, emotionally, and especially physically. 

Yet, do you know who we are the harshest within relationships? Do you know who we say the worst things too? Those closest to us. Many of us will say something to those closest to us: our spouse, kids, parent, in-laws that we would never say to someone else. That isn’t loving. Yes, you are comfortable, but that isn’t showing them love and isn’t loving them the way God loves you. 

As an 8 on the enneagram, anger is my go-to emotion. And for most men, it is the only acceptable emotion, but anger often covers over our feelings of shame, fear, and vulnerability. 

I know for me, the moments I feel most vulnerable with Katie, I try to cover it up with anger. I try to hide. I’ve had to learn to ask myself, “What is my anger showing me?” That is an uncomfortable question for sure, but one that is revealing and tells me a lot. Because our feelings tell us something, and we must dig into what it is telling us. 

One way that anger shows up, especially in marriages (but any relationship), is through being historical.

You’ve probably seen this. Maybe in the house, you grew up in, a friend relationship, or even your own.

Where you keep score, who cleans up the most? Who takes the trash out? Who does what and how often they do it. Many times, we do this because we feel like we are being taken advantage of, but instead of having that conversation, we lash out in anger. 

The reality is, no relationship or marriage is 50/50. Who does more than another may change based on health, life stage, and age, needs of other family members or jobs, or school.

In many relationships, though, there is a giver and a taker. If this isn’t faced and dealt with, it can cause real pain. I’m the taker in our relationship, and Katie is the giver. In the first half of our marriage, this caused immense pain for her because of my selfishness. It was difficult for me to face it, deal with it, where it came from, and how it was affecting her and our marriage. Now, we haven’t switched roles because it is more natural for me to take, but by God’s grace, I have grown in my giving as well. And she has grown in her ability to say what she needs, which is has been an enormous blessing.

Relationships in Quarantine – Kindness

Katie and I recently did a message on 1 Corinthians 13 in our series Fully Charged. 

It is one of the most well-known passages in the bible. It’s read at most weddings, but what is it telling us? On the one hand, it is about relationships with other people. What it looks like to relate, to have a healthy marriage, friendship, or family. It also shows us what God’s love for us is like. We see a picture of a Father in heaven who loves us in a way that is hard to fathom. But it is also about what spiritual maturity looks like. In the context, Paul says we could have all kinds of gifts, but if we don’t have love, what do we have?

I think this passage is especially important in the world we live in, where we are sheltering in place, spending more time with our family, and missing some of the community that we have built.

Dave Willis said, “We are facing a defining time for marriages. No couple will emerge from this the same as they were before. You’ll either emerge from this crisis stronger by leaning on each other or weaker by fighting with each other.” and I think that’s true. 

So what does it look like to have a healthy relationship in quarantine? Paul lists out what love is and is not.

The first was patience.

The second is…Kindness.

Kindness is serving someone, helping someone, believing in someone, encouraging someone’s strengths. 

What do you do when you serve someone? You help them; you use what you are good at, your strengths to make up for their weakness. 

Kindness is giving. 

Kindness believes in someone. All of us, men and women, young and old, kids, we want to know someone believes in us. That someone is proud of us. 

In the ancient world, kindness could also refer to affection. When we first start dating someone, we shower that person with kindness. We go out of our way to serve them, compliment them, shower them with gifts, affection, but as a relationship grows and gets older, that can begin to diminish. 

Think about it: do you know what one of the first things to happen in a relationship is? Affection. Do you know what leaves a marriage first? Affection. 

Katie and I often tell couples: Affection is the barometer of your marriage.

Now, for men, when we think of affection, we often think of sex. But affection is very much like kindness. It is caring, reaching out, giving a hug, a compliment, holding the hand of your spouse.

This shows up in love when we do it without any hope of receiving something.

Often, kindness disappears in a relationship because the other spouse isn’t reciprocating the way we’d like. Many of us are fearful of going first and breaking the cycle that couples get stuck in. But kindness can soften the heart of the other person, especially when there is nothing underneath it, no motivation outside of wanting to love the other person.

Relationships in Quarantine – Patient Love

Katie and I recently did a message on 1 Corinthians 13 in our series Fully Charged. 

It is one of the most well-known passages in the bible. It’s read at most weddings, but what is it really about? On the one hand, it is about relationships with other people. What it looks like to relate, to have a healthy marriage, friendship, or family. It also shows us what God’s love for us is like. We see a picture of a Father in heaven who loves us in a way that is hard to fathom. But it is also about what spiritual maturity looks like. In the context, Paul says we could have all kinds of gifts, but if we don’t have love, what do we have?

I think this passage is especially important in the world we live in, where we are sheltering in place, spending more time with our family, and missing some of the community that we have built.

Dave Willis said, “We are facing a defining time for marriages. No couple will emerge from this the same as they were before. You’ll either emerge from this crisis stronger by leaning on each other or weaker by fighting with each other.” and I think that’s true. 

So what does it look like to have a healthy relationship in quarantine? Paul lists out what love is and is not.

The first is…Patient.

Have you noticed that love and hurry don’t mix? Great relationships take time. They take time to develop, to get to know the other person. You don’t share your story, the details of your life with people quickly. It takes time. 

We are impatient people. We want food fast, the Internet fast, we get annoyed when Netflix buffers. 

We are impatient relationally. This plays out by being demanding, bulldozing people, and pushing too hard. We want people to work on our timetable, to make changes in their life when we think they should. But healthy relationships allow the other person to grow and develop at their speed. 

We are also impatient daily with those closest to us. We are pushing them, expecting them to be what we want, to do what we want. 

Yet, love says, “however long it takes for you to get your act together, I’ll be here.” This is showing compassion and grace in a way that doesn’t come naturally to most people; at least for me, that’s true. 

Our culture says if they don’t change fast enough, if they hold you back, move on. If they are getting in the way of your dreams, hit the road. But what if we miss out on things when we do that and have that attitude?

Can you imagine Jesus saying, “you aren’t changing fast enough, I’m done with you.” Can you imagine him saying, “Why can’t you just get over that hurt and move on or else I’m out of here?”

Patience is moving at someone else’s pace rather than pressuring them. It is staying in step with them. 

Have you ever felt pressured in a relationship? That isn’t loving. That is pushing. 

Patience is understanding the season someone else is in, how they process life and decisions. 

Patience isn’t natural to us and not encouraged at all, especially in relationships.

9 Signs Your Marriage Needs More Attention than Your Career or Kids

The longer you are married, the easier it is to let things come in between you and your spouse. When you first get married, you are ready to take on the world together. You make decisions together, you dream together, you are romantic with each other, continually pursuing each other. You can’t imagine anything coming between you and the most crucial person in your life.

But something happens.

Kids come along, and they have enormous needs that won’t go away.

Aging parents step in, and now you are taking care of them. Or parents who step into issues within your marriage. Or, if your spouse struggles to leave their family of origin and cling to this new family.

And your career starts to pick up. For many, the career catches them off guard because now they begin to feel affirmation, accomplishment, and people are noticing them in ways they didn’t have before.

Slowly, you stop pouring energy into your marriage because it feels more natural and comes easier to throw yourself into work and your kids.

But make no mistake, that path leads a ton of regret.

So, think of this post as a car dashboard telling you when to get your oil changed. Here are nine ways to know you need to spend more energy and time on your marriage than your job or your kids.

You check your email and text messages during dinner. The dinner table needs to be the time of day when you turn your phone off. Whoever emails you or texts you during dinner can wait. If not, don’t eat dinner. It is easy, though to have your devices at the table.

Interestingly, parents complain about their kids bringing devices to the table, but guess who did it first? Parents.

At our house and on date nights, we have a no devices rule. If you need to bring out a device, ask the other person if that is okay.

You can’t remember the last date night you had. The older your kids get, the harder it is to get time together with your spouse. A lot happens, and a lot needs to happen.

But you need to schedule a time for you and your spouse to be together. To have time to talk, process, share what is going on, get feedback, pursue each other.

This needs to be one of the things that are blocked out on your calendar each week. It doesn’t have to be expensive or a major production, but it does need to be consistent.

A few rules for this time: plan it, no electronics, have the goal be a connection with each other.

You are quick to say “yes” to your kids, sleeping with you at night. This is not the same thing as feeding a baby at night, but many couples to be kind to their child or do not have to say no to their spouse about sex, allow kids to overrun the bedroom. If this is happening, something deeper is going on that needs to be addressed.

Every night we have a child who wants to sleep in our bed, on our floor for one reason or another. If they show up at 3 am, that’s different than 10:15 pm. But communicate that there are places where kids don’t get to be, they won’t end up in counseling because of this.

Your bedroom has a TV in it. One of the best ways to kill your sex life in marriage is by putting a TV in your bedroom. Whenever I meet with a couple who is frustrated about their sex life, they often have a TV in their bedroom. If you have a TV in your room and a great sex life, great, but you are the exception.

A TV is a distraction (it also keeps you from getting great sleep).

PDA. One of the most significant signs that your marriage needs to attention is a lack of public displays of affection. Affection is the barometer of your marriage.

The older you get, the easier it is for this to slip. You stop holding hands, kissing, hugging.

The moment you look up and realize that your PDA is low, you need to give your marriage some attention.

Your weekends and evenings are taken over by your kids. Life is busy with kids: projects, sports, scouts, schoolwork, and plays. But when you begin to realize that you don’t have friend time, hobbies, you are running from one thing to the next; it is time to pull back and reevaluate. You don’t have to be in everything or be at everything.

When you hear a wife refer to her husband as one of her kids. This is a big one.

When a wife does this, underneath is disdain and disrespect of her husband. I’m not saying he doesn’t act like one of her kids, because he might. But this is one that tells you a lot about where your relationship is.

You are more open with someone at work than you are with your spouse. You spend a lot of time with people at work, and often, they are easier to talk to than your spouse. Slowly, during break time, lunch, or working late, you begin to share things with this person that you don’t share with your spouse.

You begin to get emotionally connected in a way that is incredibly dangerous to your marriage.

You see your spouse as getting in the way of your dreams. This a touchy one but an important one.

When you start in marriage, you are your spouse’s biggest cheerleader, standing in their corner (or at least you should be). Over time though, you can find yourselves pursuing different dreams, different lives. Slowly, the people closest to you seem to be inhibiting you from your goals instead of helping you to get there.

If you find yourself nodding your head to any or all of these, it isn’t hopeless. It just means that your marriage needs more attention than you and your spouse are giving it.

4 Ways to Destroy Any Relationship

Almost all marriage problems go back to communication. One person not saying what they want/need or the other person is not listening.

What is most interesting to me is how we often struggle to know what we even want in a relationship; what we need from the other person. I know for Katie and me, many times frustration sets in because I either don’t know what I want or need, or sometimes I’m afraid to ask for it because I don’t want to be a burden, but also because I’m worried she might say no.

So, instead of stating a need or desire, we settle for less in a relationship.

Dr. John Gottman, in his excellent book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert, says four things destroy relationships. He calls them The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse. As I walk through these, listen to which one is your go-to move in relationships, cause you have one.

1. Criticism. Complaint and criticism are different. A complaint is, “I’m frustrated you didn’t put away your clothes last night.” A criticism is, “Why are you so forgetful? I hate having to pick up after you all the time. You don’t care.”

Two words go with criticism: always and never. You always. You never.

Or by asking, “what is wrong with you?”

Why can’t you remember anything? Why can’t I count on you? Why are you always so selfish? What is wrong with you? What is your problem?

When we criticize a child, spouse, or friend, we are demeaning them and elevating ourselves.

What this also brings into the relationship is shame and shame is a powerful tool in relationships.

2. Contempt. The second horseman comes right after criticism and is contempt.

This is a sense of superiority over the other person and comes through as a form of disrespect.

This will show up in cynicism, sarcasm, mocking, eye rolls.

This shows up when it comes to time management, parenting skills, in-laws, handling money, almost any skill that someone thinks they’re better than the other.

According to Gottman, “Studies show this doesn’t just destroy your relationship, but couples that are contemptuous towards each other are more likely to get sick.”

3. Defensiveness. Defensiveness is a way of blaming your spouse, child, or co-worker.

It is saying, “the problem isn’t me; it’s you.”

Things you’ll say are: “why are you picking on me? Everyone is against me? What about all the good things I do? You never appreciate me. There’s no pleasing you.”

Have you ever noticed that the more someone gets defensive in a relationship, the more the other person attacks that person?

This does something else when a problem arises in a relationship. Defensiveness keeps me from having to deal with it. As long as the problem is “out there” or “someone else’s fault,” I don’t have to do anything about it.

4. Stonewalling. This one is powerful in relationships, but not in a good way.

This is when you disengage. You ignore. You walk out of the room while the other person is talking. They don’t respond in a conversation; they are silent.

Stonewalling communicates that you couldn’t care less about the relationship or situation.

Stonewalling is a power move.

While men and women stone wall, studies show men more often do this.

I think for several reasons, but one is that they saw it done growing up, and men are afraid of engaging emotions in relationships.

I’ve learned in our marriage; if I want to hurt Katie deeply, I need to walk out of the room during an argument.

Do you know what they all have in common? This is important and easy to miss.

They are moves to protect ourselves in relationships. They are power moves to get what we want. But they are also how we seek to belong and find intimacy in unhealthy ways.