Tag Archives: Body of Christ

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Do You Believe in Your Spouse?

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Do you believe the best in your spouse? Or do you expect them to fail? Are you pushing them to become all that God created them to be?

Do you believe the best in your spouse?

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I have learned that people will often reach the bar we set for them. If the bar is low, don’t expect a lot. Expect to be disappointed.

Do you believe that your spouse can become all the things that God has called them to, or do you expect them to fail? If they are a follower of Jesus, they have the Holy Spirit living in them, which means they have the power to become all that God has called them to become in Scripture. What if you started believing that? Praying for that? For God to work in their lives and make them into the man or woman that God has called them to become?

How we see people is how we treat them. If we see them as a failure, we treat them as such. Katie is my biggest cheerleader, and I hope and pray I am hers. She believes I can do great things. She believes it, encourages me to become, and pushes me to become that.

There is also great power in this. Most people do not understand the power they have in a relationship in terms of their presence, their voice, their silence, eye contact, encouragement or insults.

Most people do not understand the power they have in a relationship in terms of their presence.

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You have the power to bring the best out of your spouse or discourage them. Yes, each person is responsible for themselves and determines what they do, but in a marriage, the closest human relationship, there is great power to bring out the best or the worst in your spouse.

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6 Reasons Why Being on Time Matters

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time

Have you ever met someone for coffee, only to have them show up late? Or gone to a meeting that was supposed to start at 6pm but started closer to 6:20? Or gone to a church service that was supposed to start at 9am but started closer to 9:13.

It’s frustrating. It’s also disrespectful and I think it hinders your influence in life.

Here are three things that being on time shows:

3 reasons you should never be late.

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Your Leadership, Influence and Time

1. It shows respect to the person you are meeting with (and their time). When you’re late you communicate, “I’m more important than you.” Now you would never say this, but being late can be an attempted power play. It shows a lack of care for the other person because it says, “Your time isn’t as valuable as my time, and what you have after this isn’t as important as this is.” You can’t make that decision.

2. It shows you are self disciplined. When you are late (even though it will happen sometimes), it often shows you aren’t disciplined. Maybe your previous appointment went long, which means you should let the person know you will be late. There is nothing more frustrating than waiting for someone who is late and not knowing when they will be there. So let the person know.

But being on time means you have planned your day, you know how long a drive will take or how long a meeting will take. It also means you keep meetings on track and don’t allow a 30 minute meeting to become a 90 minute meeting.

3. It shows you have your priorities in line. As a leader or a person who wants to have influence, your priority is people. Wasting their time by being late shows your priorities are out of line. It also shows you think higher of yourself than the other person.

3 reasons being late hinders your influence.

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Church and Time

Now let’s apply all of these to a church.

3 reasons you lose influence as a church when you start a service late.

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Why? So many churches and church plants don’t start on time. I remember when we first started Revolution and it was 10am, and the only people in the auditorium were myself, the band and the tech team. Our worship leader looked at me and said, “Do we start?” I thought for a minute and said, “Yep, we start on time.”

1. It shows respect to the people who came (and their time). Time is important in our culture, and we don’t like it when someone else wastes our time. For a church, you want to communicate to guests (and they are usually on time) that you will respect their time. This communicates, we will respect you. It communicates care and respect to the kids’ workers, because churches that start late often go late, and that is a fast way to lose kids’ workers. (They often have enough stuff planned for the allotted time, so if you go over, the Holy Spirit better be sending revival!)

Pastors often think, “We are supposed to start at 10, but most people don’t show up until 10:10, so we’ll start at 10:12.” Here’s what you just told everyone in your church: “We start at 10:12 so come then.” Which means they’ll show up at 10:20.

2. It shows you are disciplined. A lot happens on a Sunday morning, and it is easy to fall behind schedule or start late, especially if you are a portable church. This means to start on time you need systems to make sure things get done in a timely manner and aren’t stressful. Are some mornings stressful? Yes. Do things break and fall apart? Yes. But that shouldn’t be the norm.

3. It shows you have your priorities in line. Again, people are your priority, and if you as a church care about their time, whether they are a guest, a member or a volunteer, you communicate care to them. When you don’t prioritize time, you communicate you don’t care.

6 ways to grow your influence through how you use time.

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John Maxwell on “The One Thing to Get Right” from the Leadership Summit 2016

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leadership

I’m at the leadership summit with the team from Revolution Church. This is by far the best leadership conference of the year. This is my 13th summit and every year, God stretches me and challenges me. So much wisdom and inspiration wrapped up into two days. I always blog my notes, so if you can’t attend or missed something, I’ve got you covered.

I was so excited when I saw that John Maxwell was going to be speaking at the summit. He has so much wisdom and insights into leadership (and is the king of one liners!). His talk was based on his new book Intentional Living: Choosing a Life That Matters.

Here are some takeaways:

  • The return is amazing when you pour into leaders.
  • Leaders add value to people.
Leaders add value to people. @JohnCMaxwell

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  • Everything rises and falls on leadership. Leaders lift.
  • Before a leader can lead anyone, you have to find the person.
  • To turn something around, you have to become very intentional.
To turn something around, you have to become very intentional. @JohnCMaxwell

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  • Leaders add value to people.
  • Adding value to people is the core of leadership.
Are you adding value to people or are you wanting people to add value to you? @JohnCMaxwell

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  • There is a thin line between motivating people and manipulating people.
  • There are 3 questions followers ask leaders: Do you like me? Can you help me? Can I trust you?
  • People are asking will this leader add value to my life?
  • Everything worthwhile is uphill all the way.
  • The problem: people have uphill hopes and downhill habits. 
The problem: people have uphill hopes and downhill habits. @JohnCMaxwell

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  • The only way to make the change you need to change is to be intentional.
  • There is no thing like accidental achievement.
  • Intentional living is deliberate.
  • Selfishness and significance are incompatible.
Selfishness and significance are incompatible. @JohnCMaxwell

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  • The problem is people don’t need their life, they accept their life.
  • Christ followers have to ask if they are going to spend their life connecting with people or correcting people.
5 ways to add value to people everyday.

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5 Things to do Everyday to Add Value to People

  1. To add value to people you must value people.
  2. To add value to people you have to think of ways to add value to people. Who am I going to see today and how can I add value to them?
  3. To add value to people you have to look for ways to add value to people.
  4. To add value to people, you must go from knowing to doing. Ask at the end of the day, did I add value to people today?
  5. To add value to people you must encourage others to add value to people.
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8 Ideas That Challenged me as a Leader This Week

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leader

Here are 8 posts I came across this week that challenged my thinking or helped me as a leader, husband and father this week. I hope they help you too:

  1. How to Know if ‘Kids Sports’ has Become an Idol? by Jim Elliff
  2. 10 Confessions of a Millennial to Older Leaders by Zach Yentzer
  3. 6 Reasons Church Offerings are Struggling by Thom Rainer
  4. Creating a Path to Healthy Church Growth by Tony Morgan
  5. 6 Habits of the Best Conversationalists by Stephanie Vozza
  6. 3 Morning Habits to Boost Brain Power by Charles Stone
  7. 5 Key Differences between Church Shoppes & the Unchurched by Carey Nieuwhof
  8. The 7 Keys to Public Speaking by Nick Morgan
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4 Things Healthy Leaders Do

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healthy leaders

No leader or pastor starts their career or starts a church with thinking about quitting. All of them start with grand plans and dreams of the future and finishing, retiring, making it to the end with friends and family around them.

Yet statistically that is incredibly rare. Most quit, give up, fall out of the race or simply stop trying while still collecting a paycheck.

According to stats:

  • 78% of pastors say they have no close friends.
  • 1,500 pastors quit each month.
  • 70% of pastors battle depression.
  • Only 10% of pastors will retire as a pastor.

Recently I’ve had several pastors talk about not wanting to burn out, which seems like a good goal. But the moment you start talking about burnout, you have moved into a dangerous place.

Let me throw out a different question, one I think is better: How can you lead and live at a sustainable pace?

How can you lead and live at a sustainable pace?

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There is a great passage in Matthew that you have more than likely heard a sermon on, or if you are a pastor you’ve preached on this passage. It is so common and so easy to forget the power in it.

To remind you, this is what it says in The Message version:

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

I think according to this passage, there are four things healthy leaders (or non-leaders) do:

4 things healthy leaders do.

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1. Healthy leaders don’t try to be God.

We say we aren’t trying to be God or we say we can’t save anyone, only the Holy Spirit can, but many leaders carry the burden that they can, or at the very least, they will try.

We think, “If I can just talk to them, or get them to read this book or hear this podcast, that will help.” It might, but it might not.

We can also drift so far from God personally that we simply lead out of our abilities and strengths. This is easy to do if you have a strong speaking gift. You can cover up your lack of relationship with God by being charismatic or interesting on stage.

Healthy leaders don’t try to be God.

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2. Healthy leaders walk and work with Jesus, not for Jesus.

Yes, Jesus is the chief shepherd and the senior pastor of your church, but you don’t work for him. We work with him and through the power of the Holy Spirit. We follow what the Spirit starts and is doing.

We talk about our priority list as Christians being God, family, job. Yet it is easy for a pastor’s list to be God/job, family because of how closely connected his job and God are. Often this is so subtle that no one sees it, or if they do they don’t say anything about it.

I firmly believe there is a calling that comes with being a pastor, but, and please hear this: being a pastor is also a job. A job that will end. A job you will retire from one day.

If we aren’t careful, we start to become unhealthy when our identity is too wrapped up in what we do. This is why we get hurt when someone rejects a sermon, our advice or the vision of the church. We feel like they are rejecting us, because our sermon, that vision, is who we are. It is our identity.

That’s a dangerous spot.

Healthy leaders walk and work with Jesus, not for Jesus.

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3. Healthy leaders don’t force stuff.

The reason I love this version of these verses are two phrases. The first is, Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I am like most leaders. We are incredibly driven, we make things happen, and we force it.

How many times have you played a conversation in your head before it happens: you’ll say this, they’ll say this, then you’ll respond, then they’ll respond, and this is how it ends. Then the meeting goes just like that and you think, “That could’ve been an email.”

We also can very easily force our kids and our wife to be something they aren’t.

One of the saddest things to watch is, as a man is pushing his calling and planting his church, his wife is sitting there dying emotionally, physically, spiritually.

Here’s a question for you as a leader: Is your family too much about your calling and goals? Does your wife have space for hers?

Healthy leaders don’t force stuff.

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4. Healthy leaders don’t carry burdens they aren’t meant to carry.

I’m a perfectionist. In every part of my life, I carry a burden of wanting everything to be perfect. Every experience with my kids and my wife, I build up in my mind, and when it fails to reach that I get stressed out and angry.

Another struggle for many leaders is they don’t know how to handle the emotional side of ministry. We struggle with our emotions of hurt, depression, loss, anger, and then as those emotions entangle with the emotions of those in our church and we walk with them through divorce, miscarriages, death, suicide, and addictions (just to name a few), we become at a loss of what to do with all the burdens.

Healthy leaders don’t carry burdens they aren’t meant to carry.

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In the end, Matthew 11 is an invitation from Jesus to live freely and lightly. That’s the second phrase in this passage that is so beautiful. Many pastors do not live in this place. Many followers of Jesus never experience this, yet this is supposed to be the normal Christian experience.

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How to Know You’re Too Busy

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breathingroom_instagram17

A few years ago I wrote a book called Breathing Room: Stressing Less & Living More and I’ve been asked by some people how to know if they should read the book. How do you know if you are too busy or getting tired in life? My response often is, “Well, if you are asking if you are too busy, you are probably too busy.”

But just in case, here are a few ways to know you’re too busy and need some Breathing Room:

9 ways to know you’re too busy & need some Breathing Room.

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1. What is normally easy is now hard. This is one of the first things that happens. For me it centers on preaching, sermon prep, reading leadership books. Whenever I find myself not feeling motivated in one or all of these areas, I know I am past the point of running too fast in life. To combat this, I take periodic breaks from preaching (I try to not preach more than 10 weeks in a row), and I work in books that have nothing to do with sermon prep or church ministry to give my brain a break.

You may need Breathing Room if what is normally easy all of a sudden becomes hard.

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2. Sleep is hard to come by. For many Americans, sleep is hard as it is. We go to bed too late, we don’t take enough naps, we spend too much time on technology and get worked up. I try to get to bed by 10:30. I try to not look at social media or texts after 8pm so that my brain is able to take a break. If you have to take sleeping pills, watch TV to fall asleep or find yourself going to bed at midnight or staring at the clock at midnight, you need to work on your sleep.

You may need Breathing Room if it is hard to fall asleep.

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This is counterintuitive to us because we think if we’re tired we should be able to fall asleep quickly, but that is often not the case. We have pushed ourselves so hard, our brains are not used to shutting off. We have pushed ourselves past 10pm on a regular basis, getting our “second wind,” that our body is accustomed to it. Getting back to a normal sleep pattern will take some time.

3. It is hard to get going in the morning. Some people are morning people and can’t wait to get going; others are not. I’m not a morning person. But when I find myself having a hard time getting going in the morning, needing multiple cups of coffee to stay awake or to focus, that’s a warning sign. Think about this morning: how hard was it to get out of bed? The harder it was, the closer you are to burning out.

You may need Breathing Room if it is hard to get going in the morning.

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4. You get angry fast. When you are tired, you tend to get angry fast. Your fuse is shorter with those closest to you: family, friends, and coworkers. Your reaction to situations does not match the situation. You get angry at small things or cry without knowing why.

5. You struggle to make simple decisions and find yourself paralyzed at making a choice. It is amazing how when we are tired and too busy, normal everyday decisions can become agonizing mountains that appear like we can’t get over them. Decisions become tiring and life altering. The mood swings we have when we make a decision we regret become huge mood swings. An example for me is I’ll struggle to know what to watch on TV, what I want to eat. As silly as that may sound, it is a sign I have not taken care of myself.

Are everyday decisions hard for you to make? You may need some Breathing Room.

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6. Motivation is hard to come by. It is true that you are more motivated and alert at certain parts of the day. For me it is first thing in the morning, which is why I reserve that for sermon prep and not meetings. It is when I am most creative, and I need to give that mental time to the most important part of my job: preaching. When I find that motivation not there, I know I have a problem.

7. You have impulses to eat and drink, and you struggle to control them. You may also use things to calm down. This might be food, sex, porn, exercise, drugs, smoking, alcohol. While these things calm you down, and all of these are not necessarily sins, when used to calm us down or help us relax or sleep or “take the edge off,” we have a problem. If you think, “I just need ____ to calm down or feel better,” you have a problem.

8. You think short-term instead of long-term. You can’t get past today or what is right in front of you, and you feel completely overwhelmed by it. All of the decisions you make are simply focused on right now, and you talk about “getting through the day” or “if we can just make it to bedtime” or “if only we can make it til the weekend.” What happens is this becomes our new normal, and everyday is about making it to the weekend or the next break where we simply collapse from exhaustion.

Do you live for the weekend or bedtime? You may need some Breathing Room.

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9. You don’t laugh as much or have fun. This is connected to what we’ve already said, but if you can’t remember the last time you laughed and had fun, that’s a problem. When you are tired, the last thing you have energy for is fun or community. You are more irritable and have less courage. People are draining, and the only thing you want to do is be a bump on the log and watch TV. If you are an introvert, having fun with people, especially when you are tired, feels so taxing.

*This is an excerpt from my book, Breathing Room: Stressing Less & Living More. Click on the link to purchase it.

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How to Engage Business Leaders in Your Church

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business leaders

The other day I got a question from a church planter that I hear a lot: How do I get older, more mature Christians to my church plant? How do I engage and utilize the gifts of business leaders in my church? The answers are deeply connected.

Most church plants are filled with young professionals, young families, and singles. Because of this, most church plants have a lot of energy and a lot of kids.

In every church plant there is a group that is often overlooked. If you ask every church planter what he wishes he had more of, his answer would be this group. It is older people, established people, people with wisdom to share.

For many church planters, they are entrepreneurs, driven by leadership and vision, but they struggle to make that vision come to fruition. They struggle to build systems of follow up, systems to care for people and make sure no one falls through the cracks. While they can cast a vision and tell you what their church will look like in five years, they can’t tell you how they will get from where they are to their desired destination.

Often the person who can help them is a business leader. This person may be in their 20’s or 30’s, but they will often be someone in their 50’s. Maybe they are retired or looking for an opportunity to serve and make a difference with the gifts they have.

Sadly their is one reason this person never gets to serve in the church and use their gifts, and it hurts the business leader and the church plant and the pastor: It is the fear of the pastor; it is the intimidation that a pastor feels towards a business leader or someone with organizational and administrative gifts.

Why?

Usually this leader is very high capacity; they accomplish a lot because of how gifted they are organizationally. They have years of experience, so they know how to work well with people, which makes them likable and well spoken.

All of this leads a younger church planter to decide to go it his own way and not utilize the gifts of the people in his church.

Now here is what every church planter tells me: We need more older people. We need older couples who can mentor younger couples. We need wisdom.

But what they don’t realize is they have communicated to that person, that person that they want so badly at their church, We have no place for you. 

Not on purpose, but the message has been sent loud and clear.

So what can you do? How do you turn the tide?

1. Give them something real to do. If you want older people in your church, if you want experienced business leaders to connect in your church, you must give them something real to do. Real responsibility. They have experience with budgets, decision making, systems, efficiency, communication and productivity. Tap into that. Learn from them. Ask them questions. You also need to think through responsibility below an elder level for these leaders, as all of them won’t want to do that, and you may not want them all to do that.

If you want experienced business leaders to connect in your church, you must give them something real to do.

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2. Stop trying to be the young, cool church. Yes, the target of most church plants is 20 – 40 year olds, which often means the message, sermon, communication, ministries and music are tailored to that group. You don’t need to change that to engage an empty nester, you just need to think about how to do that. Use examples in sermons that would be helpful to them. Highlight the people in your church that aren’t 20-something’s.

3. Be who you are and let go of things. As a visionary leader, if you want to engage a business leader, if you want to utilize the gifts of an older Christian, you are going to have to let go of your feelings of pride and intimidation. Often you are the reason they aren’t engaged; you have communicated you don’t need them or want them. You have made it difficult for them to use their gifts and feel needed. I know you don’t think that is the case, but it most likely is.

Often the lead pastor unknowingly prevents business leaders from engaging at a church.

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4. Engage them relationally & show them respect. The best way to engage older people in your church, to get business leaders onto your team and use their gifts, is to engage them relationally and show them respect. Be their friends, invite them over, spend time with them. Ask them questions, get to know them without a desire for anything else. This seems so obvious, but when an empty nester walks into a church plant they often get treated like a unicorn, and everyone mauls them, so they leave quickly.

To reach an older Christian, engage them relationally.

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Your Goal for Parenting Makes all the Difference

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parenting, babywise

I posted last week about how many Christian parents fall into the trap of parenting out of what is easier instead of what is biblical.

I get it.

We have 5 kids and life gets hectic. Many times you want your child to just listen to you, stop doing what they’re doing and get their act together. Correcting, late nights, explaining yourself, engaging in why they did something, all takes effort. After a long day, that is often the last thing I want to do.

It is important for parents, in the midst of all the advice, books, blogs and hearsay, to take a step back and ask, “What is our goal as parents? What are we hoping to do? What kinds of kids do we want to send out into the world?” The answers to these questions will impact the way you parent.

The kind of kid you are hoping to raise will influence how you parent.

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Many times Katie and I will be asked about parenting styles; things like love & logic, baby wise, child directed feeding, parent directed. All kinds. Should you spank a child, ground them, put them in time-outs?

Parenting, adoption, babywise & the gospel.

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As parents, there is a sense of desperation. There is so much information out there, so many opinions, and we often feel at a loss. We hear successful parents talk about what they did, but what if your child is different than theirs?

One question has been running through my head recently as it relates to parenting (and I think it is one every Christian parent needs to think about). This question should shape how you communicate to your child, how you discipline, if you let them cry it out, etc.

The question is this: Does my parenting reveal the heart of God?

Does your parenting reveal the heart of God?

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Let me explain.

God is a parent. He identifies himself as Father in the Bible, writers talk about his attributes as a parent (disciplining, communicating, loving, holding, cherishing, etc.). I think most Christians can agree on this point: God is our Father, we are children of God. I am a parent to a child, so therefore one of my hopes as a parent is to reveal to my kids what God is like.

Take a step back from your parenting for a second.

When your child thinks of how you discipline, communicate, connect, talk to them, interact with them, are they getting an accurate picture of what God as a Father is like? (And this isn’t just for men.) Your kids are connecting you to what God is like because they hear him called Father. They do that on their own. You are just revealing to them what God is like. 

How you interact with them says to your child, “This is what God is like.”

Let me give an example about discipline. The question often comes up about time-out’s, spanking, grounding, etc. Often as a parent, I fall into the trap of handing down discipline out of frustration or wanting it to move faster. What does discipline look like when we think about the heart of God? Does God disconnect himself from his children? Or is he with them? Does he leave them or go to them? Does he send his kids to their room? Think about Luke 15 and the Father running out to meet his son, the search for the lost sheep, the lost coin. Many of our kids fit those descriptions, and yet the heart of our parenting is nowhere near the heart of God as seen in Luke 15.

I have a hard time picturing God telling us to go work it out in our room, landing the boom on us or letting us “cry it out.” (As a caveat, there is a big difference between a child asking for space to process something they did and you making them have space in their room for something they did.) Instead, I see a God who pursues relationship and connecting. God is there in the muck, doing the hard work of loving a broken person, pursuing, taking the first step, not waiting on a child.

Your parenting reveals something about God; you are communicating to your children and to those around you what they should believe about God from your parenting.

So the questions every Christian parent needs to ask are not what is easiest for me or what works for my schedule. I understand those questions and desires, but those aren’t questions that should enter our heads. Instead, we have to ask: Is my parenting a true picture of the heart of God?

Your goal for parenting will influence how you parent.

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I don’t think this question gets asked enough about parenting. We look for tips and tricks and I’m all for those. At the end of the day, your goal (at least one of them) as a follower of Jesus with kids is to reflect the love of God to your kids and show them a true picture (as best as you can through the power of the Holy Spirit) of what God is like.

Why Parents Struggle with Connection

Let me take another step back, because I believe every parent wants to be connected to their child. We struggle to do it, it is difficult, we often don’t know what to say, but deep down there is something else happening.

Many of us don’t feel connected. We have skeletons in our past that whisper lies to us that keep us from engaging with our kids, that keep us from sharing our hurts, that keep us from being alive in Christ. And because we aren’t sure what the heart of God is like, we don’t know how to communicate that to our kids as a parent.

All we remember from childhood is abuse, broken promises, absent parents or parents who hovered and put us in bubble wrap. Connecting wasn’t a goal, authority and discipline were. Keeping things in line, looking and acting a certain way, projecting a certain persona.

And since we’re being honest, connection takes time and effort. When I need to discipline my kids, I want to shout and tell them to go to their room instead of taking a deep breath, sitting on the ground and hearing why they did something and talking with them about the power of sin and the power of Jesus over sin. I want to push them away in my sinfulness so they’ll go to sleep at night and I can have some down time. But my down time and my comfort are not the goal of parenting.

My down time and my comfort are not the goal of parenting.

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But many parents (and I fall into this trap more than I like to admit) have their comfort, ease and down time as a goal.

I know what you’ll say: “I don’t have any adopted kids. My kids don’t come from a hard background.”

The truth is, because of sin, all our kids come from a hard background. Whether that is being in a foster care system, experiencing abuse, struggling to meet standards at a suburban school, hard backgrounds are everywhere. The background of a child isn’t even the point because the heart cry of your child and every child is connection. How do I know? Because it is the cry of my heart with my heavenly Father, and it is the cry of your heart. 

We are just good at being adults and suppressing it.

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18 Things Every Husband Should Know about His Wife

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Create a Strong Marriage

Being a husband as a follower of Jesus has a high bar attached to it. It isn’t harder than the calling or role of the wife; it is just different. The image is given in Ephesians 5 of loving your wife as Christ loved the church is a hard, almost impossible task (I say impossible because nothing is impossible with God and you have the Holy Spirit in you as a follower of Jesus).

It is easy to feel like a failure around this verse as you look at your own life as a husband. Do I show my wife that kind of love? Am I that kind of servant?

Here’s a simple question that I’ve used to evaluate my own heart and how I’m doing as a husband towards Katie: Is your wife more alive in her identity in Jesus because she’s married to you? That’s what Ephesians 5 is all about, coming alive to your identity in Jesus. Your wife is a gift from God that you will present to God and give an account for. So, Is she more alive in her identity in Jesus because she’s married to you?

Is your wife more alive in her identity in Jesus because she’s married to you?

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Many husbands struggle because they try to do things for their wife that they think she wants or needs but aren’t actually in the same neighborhood. Below are some questions that I think every husband should know the answer to at any point about his wife (note: your wife is not a static object so the answer will change yearly, monthly and maybe daily!).

If you don’t know the answer to these, ask, she would love to tell you.

While these questions are focused on a husband towards his wife, here some questions I think a couple should ask each other regularly (perfect for your next date night).

18 questions every husband should know about his wife.

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Know Your Wife

A husband should know his wife better than anyone else. Her likes, dislikes, what excites her and disappoints her, her story, hopes, and dreams. He should know what she likes in terms of romance, affection and the bedroom and strive to serve her in those areas, not for what he can get but because of what God calls him to.

Here are some questions to help with this:

  1. What food does she like, what are her hobbies, how does she relieve stress?
  2. What hopes and dreams does she have? How can you help her accomplish them?
  3. How is your wife doing right now?
  4. What romances your wife?
  5. What gets your wife in the mood? What turns her off sexually?
  6. What does your wife like in the bedroom? What does she dislike?
Do you know your wife better than anyone else?

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Understand Your Wife

1 Peter 3:7 calls husbands to live with their wife in an understanding way, but to do that, you have to understand your wife. This goes closely with knowing your wife, but as her life changes, kids age and move out, this will change regularly. A husband’s job is to stay on top of these things and know what is happening in his wife’s heart, mind, and soul.

Here are some questions to help with this:

  1. Is your wife flourishing in her life right now?
  2. When is she most productive?
  3. How much sleep does she need?
  4. What does she need right now in the stage of life you are in to alleviate stress?
  5. How is she doing on cultivating friendships with other women?
  6. What areas is she hoping to grow in spiritually (i.e. prayer, theology, doctrine)? How can you help her? What books can you buy her to read (hint women read more than men do)? Here are a few you can start with that Katie liked.
Ever feel confused by your wife. Here are six ways to understand your wife.

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Honor Your Wife

Many men speak about their wife, to their wife and treat her like one of the guys. She is not; she is special, more special than any car, boat, possession or your child or career. She is your most precious relationship, a gift from God. Treat her as such. Honor is basic manhood. Let me say that another way if you don’t honor your wife, you are a child, not a man.

6 ways to know if you are honoring your wife.

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Here are some questions to help with this:

  1. Are you respectful to your wife in private and public when you talk to her and about her?
  2. Do you allow your kids to speak disrespectfully to your wife?
  3. Does the way you talk about your wife demand that others look at her in a positive light?
  4. Do you talk about her and look at her so that others will look up to her?
  5. If I spent 10 minutes listening to you talk about your wife would I know that she is the most important human relationship you have?
  6. Do you pursue her daily, weekly and yearly? Do you plan weekly date nights that show your love and attention to her?
18 ways to communicate love to your wife.

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Other People Determine Your Success

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success

The longer I’m in ministry and the larger Revolution gets I’m more and more convinced that those who can work well with others go farther and are more successful.

Working well with others determines your success

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Often, the goal for many leaders or people is to show they are the smartest person in the room.

I worked at a church who had a talented graphic artist. He knew more about graphic design than anyone else in the church (and it was a large church). He also let it be known that he knew more than anyone else. He always complained to pastors about the ability or lack of ability of others. Put down what other people did, etc.

Whenever he talked about a situation he disagree with, he always made himself sound like the martyr or the only person who cared.

What was interesting about all of this was that he was not a nice person. He didn’t play well in the sandbox. Behind each ministry team he was on were a sea of bodies. All people he just couldn’t work with. People who did not understand he was smarter than they were, had more experience than they did and all around, did their job better than they did.

Why didn’t people see this? he would complain.

The reality was, people did see this. They saw how talented he was, how much experience he had, but no one cared because ministry is a team sport.

Ministry is a team sport, if you don’t understand that, you won’t make it

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When we decide that we are smarter than the team we work with or the people around (and you may be the smartest person), you keep yourself from growing and becoming all that you could be, but you keep others from it as well.

How do I know?

I used to be this way and still struggle to fight against it.

Here are a few ways to know if you are hindering yourself:

1. You are the only one that cares. People with this elevated sense of themselves are the only ones who care. They are the only ones who are passionate. You may never say this, but your body language or attitude communicate to everyone else, “you don’t care as much as I do.” When a team or volunteers sense this, they check out. Why? Because they do care. As much as you? Maybe not, but they care. Your job as a leader is to help them care. Also, if you are on a ministry team at a church and not the leader, your leader cares even though you might think you are more passionate than they are.

No matter what you think, you aren’t the only one who cares about what you care about

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2. No one does it as well as you do so you can’t let go. This is a struggle every leader has. Sometimes, this is a struggle people on a team have because they think (or they know) they are more talented than the leader. It takes humility to be on a team and be more talented than the leader. It takes humility on the part of the leader to have people on their team who are more talented than the leader. If you are a leader and someone can do something 70% as well as you can (or better), give it away. Stop holding them back, stop holding yourself back and stop holding your team back. If you are on a team and you can do something better than your leader, don’t passive aggressively tell them, be honest with them.

If someone can do something 70% as well as you can (or better), give it away.

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3. You think others are ruining the ministry or your work. Unless a law is broken, one incident or weekend at a church will not destroy all the work you’ve done. Often though, the smartest person in the room (which is the person we’re talking about, who thinks they can get by on talent, hard work and knowledge) thinks others are ruining things by what they do. Yet, they aren’t. They are simply doing things differently. This is one reason most churches stay small, they are led by people who are not willing to allow others to use their passions and gifts.

4. You find yourself bouncing from one job or ministry role to the next. Often, when someone doesn’t work well with others, they have a history of changing teams, ministries, churches and jobs. It is always “the other people” or “the situation.” You’ll hear things like, “They didn’t appreciate me.” “I wasn’t challenged, I was bored.” “They didn’t understand me.” You’ll hear about office politics that kept them from advancing or how someone was jealous of them. You’ll hear a lot about the fault of other people and nothing about what they did to leave a trail of short stay’s in jobs. At some point if you are this person, you have to admit that it isn’t them, it’s you that’s the problem and the unhealthy one.

Until you can get past your hurt, you’ll stay stuck

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5. The same problems follow you. What is amazing about life, jobs and teams is that a problem that you have on one team has a miraculous way of following you to your next team because, wait for it. You’re there. I knew one leader who changed teams and jobs numerous times in a short period of time and was so frustrated, yet she couldn’t see that she was the consistent piece in every situation. Each team she was on it was the same story, she couldn’t get along with anyone and she never understood why she kept running into the same problems. If you find yourself running into the same problems wherever you go, look in the mirror and see what is there.

If you have the same problems wherever you go, it’s time to look in the mirror.

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In many ways, this blog post is are the lessons I’ve learned over the last 10-12 years of leadership. I was the guy in all of these points. I thought I was the smartest person in every room I entered and I made sure people knew it. I thought I cared more than others, that I could get by with my knowledge, talent and hard work and that would lead to success, but that is a lonely way to live because eventually you get passed over for promotions or leadership opportunities and no one wants to work with you.

In their book Tribal Leadership: Leveraging Natural Groups to Build a Thriving Organization, the authors use a phrase for healthy leaders and healthy groups (they call them tribes): I am because we are. For you or your team or church to reach its potential, you must be able to work and play well with others. You must grow in your “relational intelligence.”

But I’m an introvert, or I’m a strong personality you might say. Doesn’t matter. If you want to be all that God has called you to be, you must grow in this. Or else, you’ll never get as far as you could.

Strong leaders know, “I am because we are.”

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