How to Grow Through the Hard Times

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Every one of us experiences hard times, but we view those hard times differently. Some of us are surprised by them when they hit; others seem to expect them (and they miss the good times when they come); some see them as a nuisance you must deal with; others see them as moments to grow and learn from. 

Scripture tells us we shouldn’t be surprised by them. Paul goes so far as to tell Timothy: But know this: Hard times will come in the last days. Throughout history, Christians have debated if they are in the last days. We might be now, we might not be yet. But we should live with the awareness that hard times will come. We shouldn’t be surprised by them. We shouldn’t look for them but see how to learn and grow from them. 

That’s what Paul wants Timothy to do. He gives him a list in chapter 3 of things that can lead to hard times. In verses 2 – 4, he lists 19 different sins that can lead to hard times. To learn and grow from the hard times, we must know what can lead to them and what we should be pursuing out of them. 

Here is the list:

  • For people will be lovers of self
  • Lovers of money
  • Boastful
  • Proud
  • Demeaning
  • Disobedient to parents
  • Ungrateful
  • Unholy
  • Unloving
  • Irreconcilable
  • Slanderers
  • Without self-control
  • Brutal
  • Without love for what is good
  • Traitors
  • Reckless
  • Conceited
  • Lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God

Look at this list; which stands out to you as you struggle? It is important to know because that area is where we are most prone to fall into temptation, but also the area that can lead to the greatest heartache and difficulty in our lives. 

The 19 sins can fall into 3 categories: love of self, pleasure, and money. 

Paul gives Timothy a charge on how to fight this:

To fight the love of self, pursue humility. 

To fight the love of pleasure, pursue integrity. 

To fight the love of money, pursue generosity. 

Why do this? Tim Chester says, “All too often, we think of holiness as giving up the pleasures of sin for some worthy but drab life. But holiness means recognizing that the pleasures of sin are empty and temporary, while God is inviting us to magnificent, true, full, and rich pleasures that last forever.”

When Life Gets Hard…

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All of us have lived through a challenging season. You might be in one now, just coming out of one, or one will be coming next year. 

They can happen when we least expect it: a disruption in our career or finances, a child that is hard to parent, a spouse who suddenly becomes distant, a sickness we didn’t expect or plan for, or simply life not going as we planned.

Challenges.

They are relational, financial, spiritual, emotional, and physical.

They know no limits. Challenges have no heart, so they aren’t worried about you and your survival.

The question isn’t if we will walk through them but how to do so. Often, especially as followers of Jesus, we are surprised when difficulties come our way. But we shouldn’t be. Jesus and the disciples all experienced difficulties. Jesus told us we should expect them and prepare for them. 

Difficulties don’t mean you are doing something wrong or have sinned; it might just mean you are alive. 

But what do you do when it arrives? How do you handle the phone call you weren’t expecting or the betrayal you never thought could happen? 

If you find yourself in that place or want to prepare better, here are 3 questions to ask yourself: 

  1. What is God trying to teach me in this season? It is easy to get angry in a challenging season and blame the person you think caused it. You may be right, but doing that will not help you. Eventually, that will exhaust you, and you’ll still be in a challenging season. So take a day, be angry, and then wake up tomorrow and start looking forward. By asking this question, you begin to understand what God is trying to do, which is helpful because it takes our eyes off ourselves. God does not waste experiences and moments. He uses them for his glory and our good.
  2. What is God preparing me for by having me in this season? Because God doesn’t waste moments, what we walk through today is helpful for tomorrow. Begin looking forward, looking, and asking God for what He is doing.
  3. What is God’s invitation to me in this season? This question comes from Jim Cofield in The Relational Soul: Moving from False Self to Deep Connection. This has been a powerful reminder to me in moments of pain and hurt. Often, in a place of challenge and difficulty, God is stripping away my arrogance and confidence in myself and teaching me to rely on Him. 

But how do we move forward in that season? It is one thing to spend some time digging into what God is doing, but how do we live in a challenging season that might last for years or our whole lives? How do we live with the losses that pile up in life

In his book Leadership Pain: The Classroom for Growth, Samuel Chand lists five things we know about God or learn through difficult seasons:

  1. God never abandons us, even when we can’t sense his presence.
  2. Our faith and character are developed most powerfully in times of adversity.
  3. God sometimes delivers us from pain, but he often delivers us through it.
  4. Life’s most defining moments are usually painful experiences.
  5. We do not grow in those moments by default.

What Happens While we Wait on God

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You will find yourself waiting on God at some point in your life.

We will often find ourselves waiting for God to answer a prayer, to speak to us and give us direction, or maybe you find yourself waiting for God to provide you with a reason for the season of pain or difficulty you are in.

What we do in those moments might be some of the most critical moments of our faith journey. Those are the moments when God is doing a lot in us, even if we don’t see it at the time.

In James 5, James gives us a few things to be aware of and ask ourselves while we wait:

Am I controlling what I can control and releasing what I can’t?

Farmers in the first century didn’t have irrigation systems or even weather radars to know when a storm was coming. They were utterly dependent on the rain. They had to lean into what they could control and what they couldn’t.

We will often feel like we are utterly powerless in life or overestimate how much power we have.

One exercise that has been helpful to me is one Henry Cloud suggests in his book Necessary Endings: list out what you control and what you don’t control in a situation. You might find that you have control and agency over some things you didn’t think and you might find yourself worrying over something you have no control over.

Am I being patient?

James uses the example of a farmer to show us something important while we wait: the kind of patience we are to have.

Farmers cannot make crops grow, but they can do things while waiting.

Patience isn’t something we usually want (at least I don’t), but we must lean into it because things do not change or grow quickly.

James tells us to be patient in our suffering and difficulty, for the Lord’s return is near. This is a reminder that all we are going through will one day be made right, be made new, and that everything we are going through is under the rule and reign of God, which is why James harkens back to the story of Job.

Am I strengthening my heart?

Then he tells us to strengthen our hearts because the Lord’s return is near.

We strengthen our hearts by being in the word of God, by spending time with Him, listening to Him and speaking to him, casting our cares on Him (1 Peter 5:7), and sharing our sighs with him (Psalm 5:2).

We also strengthen our hearts in community, being with people who can help to encourage us and spur us on, but who can also help us carry our burdens and point out when we need to have things pointed out to us to grow in our faith. 

Am I guarding my heart?

James then switches gears in verse 9 to tell us to guard our hearts. 

Why?

While we are waiting and walking through pain and difficulty, we are vulnerable. 

He says: Brothers and sisters, do not complain about one another, so that you will not be judged. Look, the judge stands at the door!

That vulnerability can lead us to complain about each other, judge each other, criticize people or take judgment into our own hands. 

James says, be on guard. 

This is important because, amid our pain, frustration, and hurt, we can easily hurt those around us and take our anger out on them. 

What is God doing in you now as you walk forward in a hard season?

It is easy to look forward, to look for a reason for it, but God is looking to grow us in those moments. 

Pete Scazzero said, “To mature in Jesus and learn true faith requires we go through walls, dark nights, and valleys. There is no other way.”

How to Walk with People through Pain & Difficulty

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Sunday, I preached how to walk through pain and life’s difficulties. One of the things I couldn’t get to is how to walk with someone through pain; how do you let others walk with you?

This is often hard to do from both perspectives.

When you are the one walking through the difficulty, we tend to keep it to ourselves. We don’t want to bother other people; we think we should be able to handle it on our own or we struggle to wonder if people care about us.

It is hard to know where to start when you are a friend watching someone walk through difficulty. How do you step in and help? What do they need? Especially around sickness or death, it can sometimes be hard to know what to say or how to say it. We often choose not to do anything, even though we’d like to.

A few years ago, I read a great book by Kate Bowler called Everything Happens for a Reason (and other lies I’ve loved). Kate was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer, and in the end, she shares how to walk with people because it is difficult, we want to do it well, but we often find ourselves fumbling about it.

According to Bowler, here are some things not to say:

  • ‘Well, at least . . .’ Whoa. Hold up there. Were you about to make a comparison? At least it’s not . . . what? Stage V cancer? Don’t minimize.
  • ‘In my long life, I’ve learned that . . .’ Geez. Do you want a medal? I get it! You lived forever. Well, some people are worried that they won’t or that things are so hard they won’t want to. So ease up on the life lessons. Life is a privilege, not a reward.
  • ‘It’s going to get better. I promise.’ Well, fairy godmother, that will be a tough row to hoe when things go badly.
  • God needed an angel.’ This one takes the cake because (a) it makes God look sadistic and needy, and (b) angels are, according to Christian tradition, created from scratch. Not dead people looking for a cameo in Ghost. Do you see how confusing it is when we pretend that the deceased returned to help us find your car keys or make pottery?
  • ‘Everything happens for a reason.’ The only thing worse than saying this is pretending that you know the reason. I’ve had hundreds of people tell me the reason for my cancer. Because of my sin. Because of my unfaithfulness. Because God is fair. Because God is unfair. Because of my aversion to Brussels sprouts. I mean, no one is short of reasons. So if people tell you this, make sure you are there when they go through the cruelest moments of their lives, and start offering your own. When someone is drowning, the only thing worse than failing to throw them a life preserver is handing them a reason.
  • I’ve done some research and…’ I thought I should listen to my oncologist, nutritionist, and a team of specialists, but it turns out that I should be listening to you. Please tell me more about the medical secrets that only one flaxseed provider in Orlando knows. Wait, let me get a pen.
  • ‘When my aunt had cancer…’ My darling dear, I know you are trying to relate to me. Now you see me, and you are reminded that terrible things have happened in the world. But guess what? That is where I live, in the valley of the shadow of death. But now I’m on vacation because I’m not in the hospital or dealing with my mess. Do I have to take my sunglasses off and join you on the saddest journey down memory lane, or do you mind if I finish my mojito?
  • So, how are the treatments going? How are you really?’ This is the toughest one of all. I hear you trying to understand my world and be on my side. But picture the worst thing that has ever happened to you. Got it?

Here are some things to say:

  • “I’d love to bring you a meal this week. Can I email you about it?” Oh, thank goodness. I am starving, but I can mostly never figure out something to tell people I need, even if I need it. But really, bring me anything. Chocolate. A potted plant. A set of weird erasers. I remember the first gift I got that wasn’t about cancer, and I was so happy I cried. Send me funny emails filled with YouTube clips to watch during chemotherapy. Do something that suits your talents. But most important, bring me presents! 
  • “You are a beautiful person.” Unless you are used to speaking in a creepy windowless-van kind of voice, comments like these go a long way. Tell your friend something you admire about his or her life without making it feel like a eulogy.
  • “I am so grateful to hear about how you’re doing. Just know that I’m on your team.” Do you mean I don’t have to give you an update? Did you ask someone else for all the gory details? Whew. Great! Now, I get to feel like you are both informed and concerned. So, don’t gild the lily. What you have said is amazing, so don’t screw it up now by being a nosy Nellie. Ask a question about any other aspect of my life. 
  • “Can I give you a hug?” Some of my best moments with people have come with a hug or a hand on the arm. People who are suffering often—not always—feel isolated and want to be touched. Hospitals and big institutions, in general, tend to treat people like cyborgs or throwaways. So, ask whether your friend feels up for a hug and give her some sugar. 
  • “Oh, my friend, that sounds so hard.” Perhaps the weirdest thing about having something awful happen is that no one wants to hear about it. People tend to want to hear the summary, but they don’t usually want to hear it from you. And that it was awful. So, simmer down and let your friend talk for a bit. Be willing to stare down the ugliness and sadness. Life is absurdly hard, and pretending it isn’t is exhausting.
  • *****Silence***** The truth is that no one knows what to say. It’s awkward. Pain is awkward. Tragedy is awkward. People’s weird, suffering bodies are awkward. But take the advice of one man who wrote to me with his policy: Show up and shut up.