Tag Archives: ephesians 5

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One Conversation that Can Improve Your Marriage

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Photo by Neora Aylon on Unsplash

On Sunday, we looked at the marks of a marriage that lasts. While the passage has clear applications for all relationships, we looked particularly at the needs of men and women and how they play out in marriage. If you aren’t married, we’d encourage you to read about your love language and think about how you give and receive love the best to help you as you look for a spouse and/or improve your most important relationships. 

Often, we encounter issues when trying to show and communicate love in a way that doesn’t make sense to the other person. Each person has different needs and different love languages. 

Do you know your spouse’s love lanauge?

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Years ago, Katie and I read a book called His Needs, Her Needs, which proved very helpful to us in our relationship. In it, the author lays out the top 5 needs for a man and a woman. While these needs may vary, meaning your top 5 may not be his, they at least create an opportunity for connection and conversation. 

Here they are. 

Women                                                           Men

Affection                                                           Sexual Fulfillment

Intimate Conversations                                 Recreational Companionship

Honesty and Openness                                  Physical Attractiveness

Financial Support                                           Domestic Support

Family/Leadership Commitment                Admiration

Do you know the top 5 emotional needs of your spouse?

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Before getting into the conversation, let me make a brief comment on sexual fulfillment and physical attractiveness. We unpacked this some on Sunday, but in case you didn’t hear this, I think this is important because this can be distorted in our culture or church circles; we misuse passages and studies to guilt women into having sex with their husbands. 

Sexual fulfillment is not just something men are interested in, but women as well. Sexual fulfillment is also not just about sex, but I think about a larger conversation around intimacy and connection. Physical attractiveness is not about looking like a model on Instagram with all the filters on. The way we frame physical attractiveness is about effort and trying. As a couple ages and life takes over, the effort and trying starts to go out the window in many areas for men and women. This is a great reminder to hit pause and ask, “Are we still trying?”

Here is our challenge for you this week, if you’re married. 

Look at the above list and rank yours from 1 to 5. Again, these may vary depending on personality, season of life, health, etc. Your list may have a need on it that isn’t listed above. That’s okay. 

Then, share your list with your spouse. 

1 conversation that can change your marriage.

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We’d encourage you to talk through how each of you is doing. Start with wins and compliments. Share how the other person is knocking it out of the park. Encourage each other. 

Then, share one way to improve each one on the above list. Do your best not to get defensive or historical or to insult the other person. Often, when we have these kinds of conversations, our first reaction is to say, “What about this or that?” Or to bring up something from the past (historical), I want to encourage you to resist this temptation. 

This is an opportunity to grow closer and take your relationship to the next level. 

1 conversation every married couple should have.

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How a Wife Flourishes

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wife

The idea of roles in marriage is filled with land mines. Many people have misused and misinterpreted the beautiful verses in the Bible to make them say what they want to. Few people have actually seen healthy couples live out roles well and often have incorrect views of Biblical roles. We have visions of quiet wives who say nothing, men who dominate and abuse their families all based on Ephesians 5, completely missing the point of this passage.

In thinking about how a husband helps his wife flourish and become all that God has called her to be, here are 5 ways men often fail and how to work against these problems to create the picture described in Ephesians 5:

  1. Spiritually apathetic. This husband completely abdicates his role as the spiritual leader of his family. He often will not go to church with his wife and kids and if he does, he is very passive. Not getting involved, not praying with his wife or kids, not praying at dinner, not guiding his kids spiritually, not asking questions, not reading the Scripture to them. He lets that up to the church or his wife.
  2. Workaholic. This husband sees being a husband simply as providing for the needs of his family. While that is part of being a husband, there is more to it than making money so there is a roof over their head, clothes on their back and food on the table. This type of man is disconnected from the family in some very important ways.
  3. Dictator. This husband uses his role as a way to control and get his way, all the time. It doesn’t matter how he gets his way and it doesn’t matter what happens because he has gotten his way. He just wants his way. Often, he will use Bible verses to get it. This husband will treat his wife and kids as slaves and orders them around. Often, this will lead to physical abuse, which is nowhere near what Paul had in mind in Ephesians 5 when he called men to be the head of their house.
  4. Emotionally detached. This is the husband who is the head of the family in name only. He has nothing to do with his wife, kids. He does not lead them in any form. He simply sits by, dictating when he doesn’t like something, letting his wife take on his role and responsibility and basically do everything he is supposed to do. Emotionally, he does not know how to relate to his and kids. He does not know how to connect to his family, he is distant.
  5. Irresponsible. This is the husband who buys things without consulting his wife, makes decisions on his own and generally puts his family in financial, relational, physical and emotional danger because “He is the head of the house.” This husband sees leadership as a club to get to do what he wants.
5 ways a husband keeps his wife from flourishing & enjoying life (what to do about it).

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If you are married and curious to know how your marriage is in this area, here is a simple question to ask: is the wife flourishing?

When a man fulfills the role God has called him to in marriage, his wife will flourish. She will have room to grow, there will be grace for her to deal with past hurts in her life, she will be able to use her gifts to bless her family and the world around her, she will have freedom to be who God has called her to be.

I often tell our church: Husbands should create an umbrella under which a woman is protected to become the woman God has called her to be.