How a Leader Fails

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It seems almost every week there is another leader written about in blogs who has failed somehow. Whether that is abuse of power, finances, sleeping with someone they aren’t married to or jumping off the deep end theologically.

Every time I read about it, my heart breaks. For the people who are affected, for the name of Christ that is tarnished, for the families that are broken because of it, for the lost of mission and momentum at the church and for the leader and his wife.

My heart also breaks because I know I could easily be that leader if I’m not careful.

So much happens when a leader fails.

Each time this happens, I inevitably read too many blogs about the situation. Not out of morbid curiosity, but to find out where it went wrong. Almost every time two things happen. While there are other things that each one has in common, almost every leadership failure has two things in common:

  1. The leader is not in a small group or missional community.
  2. All the rules don’t apply to the leader.

While these aren’t always the case, leaders can be in a small group and fail. Each time I read about another leader failing, these seem to be true on some level.

Here’s why this matters.

When you are in a small group or MC, you are with “normal people.” Too many pastors insulate themselves with elders and staff. I’ve had pastors tell me, “My elder team is my small group.” Um, no. Your elders are the team that shepherd, lead and protect the church together, but they aren’t your small group. In fact, that’s a recipe for disaster. Who is around your wife? Who is around your kids? What non-Christians are you spending time with?

Slowly, the leader begins to think they don’t need the sheep anymore. They have more important things to do. Now, I’m not saying a leader needs to burn himself out making himself available to everyone. As a church grows, the leader must delegate tasks and people to other leaders. This is good and healthy. But, a church is never too big for a pastor to talk with people.

I remember when I worked at Willow Creek and watching Bill Hybels and John Ortberg stand down by the stage after preaching and talk for as long as people would stand in line. I remember watching it once to see how long Hybels would do it and I timed him standing for over an hour one day.

The second one creeps up on a leader, sometimes without notice. The rules begin to not apply to them. 

Now, the higher you move in a church or organization, the more perks come with it. A lead pastor has a bigger book budget, goes to more conferences, has more vacation days, etc. I’m not talking about more perks.

I’m talking about a lead pastor requiring his staff to work in the office but he gets to work from home “because sermon prep is a solo activity.” If you get a perk like working from home, it should be available to others. If there is a policy about social media or something else, it is applies to employees, it applies to you as the leader.

The moment a leader is above the rules is the moment a leader is in danger. The moment a leader is cut off from community with people who are not leaders, is the moment a leader is in danger.

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Why You Aren’t Ready for What’s Next

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When I was 25 I was a young, punk of a leader. I had a Master’s degree and had been a part of large, successful ministries. I was always the smartest person in the room (in my mind and I made sure others knew it). I also had had a relatively easy life up until this point.

I was sitting in an interview with a large church for a student pastor position. The interview was going well and I thought I would for sure get the job. The executive pastor was getting ready to wrap up the interview when he asked if anyone had any final questions. The lead pastor had been in the interview the entire time but hadn’t said a word. He looked at me and said, “I have one question.” I was ready to talk vision or strategy, but his question caught me off guard. He looked at me and said, “Tell me your deepest hurt.”

I was silent.

He then said, “Tell me about your deepest wound.”

I stumbled for an answer.

While I had been hurt, I had never really been abused or beaten. I wasn’t abandoned or from a broken home. My life had been easy up until this moment. I gave him a rather lame answer that I can’t even remember.

After my answer he said, “Thanks Josh, but we won’t be hiring you. I’m afraid of a leader who can’t name his deepest hurt because I don’t know if he’s past it, but I also don’t know what he’ll do when he meets it.”

Little did I know, the next 3 years after this moment, I would encounter hurts and pain I had never dreamed of.

Fast forward 10 years and I’m on the other side of the table of interviewing people. One of the questions I ask each person is, “Tell me about your deepest pain. What do you do when life hurts? When God seems silent? What you can’t connect with your spouse? When your ministry feels like a failure?”

Like that lead pastor, I’m scared of leaders who stumble through this answer.

Why?

Because they will face a desert, they will face failure, they will come up against their deepest pain at some point and I don’t know how they’ll respond.

This right here is why many people fail to move forward in life, fail to capitalize on their gifts or see the doors open to them that they wish to have open. 

We like authentic people and leaders, people who have been wounded as we have but have found a way to move forward from it. Who aren’t scarred by it, they are marked by their past, but they aren’t destroyed by it.

There is something about a leader who has faced what we have faced and come out the other side. We want to be around them, we want to be like them, we want to follow them to where they are going.

How to Help Your Kids Fail

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Sunday I talked about how to fail forward as adults and how many people live their lives like they are using a whiffle ball bat, where they take away every possibility of failure. If you missed it, you can listen to it here.

Sadly, many parents parent this way. They stack the deck to make sure their kids never experience a setback or failure. Here are a few examples:

  • Your child announces at 8pm they have a project due tomorrow that they’ve known about for a week or two. What do you do? The whiffle ball bat parent jumps into action and gets it done, probably even finishing it after the child goes to bed.
  • Your child gets a trophy for every single sports team they are on or competition they are part of.
  • Your child never tries anything new, so the only activities they do are things they are good at (this is common among adults).

Think back to the parent and the 8pm project, what would happen if you didn’t finish the project and your child got an incomplete or F for that assignment? Would their life end? Probably not. A valuable lesson would be learned.

Because we as adults hate failure (and who doesn’t), we try to ensure that our kids don’t experience failure. The problem with that is failure is the best way to learn about something (besides learning from the failure of others). If we don’t allow our kids to experience failure of some kind, we don’t teach them how to bounce back from something, how to pick themselves up, how to react in a healthy way to life not turning out how they want (because that will happen as an adult).

In the end, we send them out of the house ill-prepared for life.

Sadly, I’ll hear from countless parents whose kids walk away from the church and one of the reasons has to do with failure and faith.

When it comes to faith, we don’t challenge and encourage our kids to have a God-sized faith. We don’t challenge them to pray impossible prayers, the ones that God will have to move for something to happen. In the end, they grow up seeing a God they don’t need, a God who seems less powerful than they are and they wonder, “Why have faith? Why have anything to do with God?” If you have a son, he sees the church as boring, not worth giving his life to and will find a mission that will drive his passion, but the world won’t be changed.

The dominos can be enormous.

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