Posted on Monday, October 30, 2023

The Hardest Part about Moving

by Josh Reich

Photo by Tierra Mallorca on Unsplash

Since moving, Katie and I are often asked by people a few different questions. Things like, “What do you miss the most about Arizona? Would you move again? What was hard for you and the kids?”

We’ve also gotten a lot of questions from people who are moving or considering moving and trying to figure out the road ahead, what might be hard, and if a big move like we did is worth it for them.

Moving, like all things in life, has its ups and downs. When we left Arizona, we knew it would take a lot of effort and be stressful, but there were some surprises along the way.

You have to figure out where your kids’ schools are, your favorite grocery stores, where you will take walks, and what fun things you want to do. One of the exhausting things about moving to a new place is how your brain is always on when you are in the car because you are using GPS and don’t know where anything is. When you know where something is, your brain takes a break in the car and drives there. You have to be alert and keep watching when you don’t know. That is tiring. You also wonder, will I ever “just know” where things are?!

One thing that surprised me about moving.

Two of the hardest parts about moving are friendships and traditions.

The most obvious answer to what we miss the most is friendships.

When you live in a place as long as we lived in Arizona (15 years), you build a life there. You build community. When you move, while you do your best to keep those relationships going (and we have), some of them fade away. This is natural because relationships are often about proximity and frequency.

This is a big loss and something we have grieved as we have moved.

And while you grieve the loss of relationships, what is equally challenging is the reality of building new friendships. Because they take time, you must have proximity and frequency with a whole new group of people in a new place. Those people already have relationships.

One of the differences in moving to New England is that many people here are from New England. Someone told me it takes you 5 generations to say you’re from Rhode Island and that if you aren’t born in Maine, you can never say you’re from Maine. This isn’t good or bad about New England; it just is what makes New England who it is.

When our kids started at the local school, there were 3 new kids in their grade (and our kids were 2 of them), and there were 4 new kids at the high school (and our kids were 2 of them). That is hard.

Whereas, if you go to Colorado or Arizona, you rarely meet someone from those places. Most people are from elsewhere, leading to faster friendships because more people need friendships.

If you are considering moving, you have to take this into account.

Something else you must remember if you are a pastor moving to a new church is that the tenure of the previous pastor will affect your relationships coming in, how wary people are of you staying for a long time, or if they gravitate towards you quickly.

The other thing that has been the hardest surprised me: the loss of traditions.

Most family traditions, especially around the holidays, are location-based. You go to this place on your birthday, this place for a celebration, that place on vacation or this place during Thanksgiving, Christmas, or the 4th of July. When you move, that all changes. You don’t go to those places anymore, and the places you do go to don’t feel like a tradition yet because you’ve only done them once or twice.

We’ve had to grieve this and will continue to grieve through the years. This isn’t bad, but it is a reality of moving.

As we do new things, especially around the holidays or birthdays, we say, “This might be the start of a tradition.” It changes how we think about our actions and reminds our family that we are working towards new traditions and seasons.

In the course of these conversations, then, someone inevitably asks us, “Is it worth moving? Would you do it again?” The answer depends, and yes.

It depends because I don’t know their situation and if moving is right for them. For us, it was. Yes, it was hard; yes, we would move again because we knew our time in Arizona was done, and God was moving us to a new place and season.

2 of the hardest parts about moving a family across the country.

Posted on Tuesday, October 17, 2023

Pastors Lose 5 – 7 Relationships a Year

by Josh Reich

Photo by Small Group Network on Unsplash

The other day, I saw a post from Brandon Cox that stopped me in my tracks. He said, “Most people will lose 5 to 7 significant relationships over the course of their lifetime, but pastors lose 5 to 7 significant relationships per year.”

As I thought about it, that has 100% been my experience. I reposted it and heard from countless pastors, PKs, and spouses who said, “This is real life in ministry.” One person said, “My relational world improved when I stepped out of ministry.” One said they had “recently lost 90% of their friendships…and so have our kids.”

What is it about ministry that makes relationships and friendships difficult? Are they different from other jobs or spheres of life?

I think ministry makes friendships difficult because of how relational church is. One would think that this would be an advantage, and while it can lead to community forming quicker, it can also lead to heartache when someone leaves the church.

Before sharing thoughts on what to do about and how to be in ministry regarding friends, why do relationships end or become difficult?

Why are relationships in ministry so hard?

As I said, ministry is relational, which surprises people who aren’t in ministry to hear the above comments. Because of how relational ministry is, friendships can begin quickly if you meet the right person. You spend a few lunches or dinners together after church very quickly.

But often, those relationships end when you no longer hold the church (or something else) in common.

Most friendships in life are about proximity and frequency.

Most friendships in life are about proximity and frequency.

This sounds mean to say, but it is a reality. You build friendships with the people you see regularly, and when that regular basis ends, the friendship often ends or becomes less significant. Parents experience this when they know someone on a child’s sports sideline, but the season ends. The same happens with work friends or other hobbies that bring you together. It doesn’t mean you don’t like that person, but the relationship also changes when the proximity and frequency change.

What does this have to do with pastors and churches?

Many of the relationships that pastors and their families have are in the church. When that proximity and frequency changes with someone, the relationship changes. Pastors and their families have always experienced this, but it has become more pronounced in recent years. Why? Covid and politics are a big reason for many of these relational changes. Pastors saw countless people leave their churches in 2020 – 2022 because of restrictions and decisions that churches made or didn’t make. For me, it was mind-blowing to watch.

But people leave churches for other reasons. They stop attending as frequently because of life situations, whether that is work, hobbies, or kids’ sports. They move, which leads to leaving the church. They leave because the church is changing (usually centered on the lead pastor’s decision). Once, our family lost over a dozen friendships because of a change at our church. It is hard to explain and comprehend that in your heart and mind. One person commented on my post about losing 90% of their friendships in a season of ministry.

So, what do you do? How do you move forward as a pastor or if you’re married to one?

The first reality is what many pastors have done. They’ve left the full-time ministry. And this may be where you are, especially if you are struggling to keep a soft heart towards those in your church or even open yourself up to relationships. At the very least, consider a break of some kind. Having a soft heart and keeping an eye on how open I am to people is a gauge I’m constantly aware of. And this may be where you are permanently or for a season. Let me be the first to say I understand that and don’t begrudge you. While that’s a longer post, a person who steps out of pastoral ministry for any time shouldn’t feel guilty.

But, there are some things to do to stay and move forward in ministry related to friendships.

Navigating friendships and pastoral ministry.

Prepare for losses. One of the things I was not prepared for entering ministry was the losses I would accumulate. This isn’t just related to friendships but includes them. People we have vacationed with, people we opened our hearts up to and shared deep and intimate things leaving you and stabbing you in the back, is incredibly difficult. Having staff members turn on you or your family is incredibly painful. Walking with couples through difficult seasons only to have them walk away from you and each other.

You have to prepare for that. I wish it weren’t true, but it is part of leadership and ministry, especially regarding social media.

You also have to prepare your spouse and kids for this reality. Because somewhere along the way, they will lose a friend because they are related to a pastor. And that is hard for them to understand, especially your kids.

Is there another job where your kids can lose friends because of a decision you make or don’t make? I’m sure there are other jobs like that, but I’ve had a hard time figuring one out, which is one thing that makes pastoral ministry unique.

As a pastor, you must prepare yourself and your family for losses.

Grieve losses. But as losses stack up, you must grieve them, or you will carry them. This will take the work of a trusted friend or even a counselor. But you must have someone who can help you grieve the pain you accumulate in ministry and life. If you don’t, this will hinder your ministry, and you will make other people pay for the sins others have committed against you. You also need to help make space for your kids and spouse to grieve the losses they experience in their relational world related to the church. This becomes a bit easier if you move and are no longer at the church, but you will still carry losses even across state lines.

Make friends inside and outside the church. When I entered the ministry, an older pastor told me I shouldn’t make friends in the church I was a part of because it was impossible. Many pastors have this idea. While I wouldn’t say it is impossible, I would say that making friends inside the church you are on staff at is important and necessary, but it also takes wisdom.

As a pastor, you need to have a community in your church because relationships are about frequency and proximity, and that’s your church. It will also be very lonely for you as a pastor if you aren’t friends with people at your church or people you are on staff with. But you need wisdom about how those friendships go, what you share and don’t share. You have to be clear about relational lines, authority lines, etc. And that is where it gets difficult in a church setting.

Pastoral friendships are important but take a lot of wisdom.

It is also helpful to have friendships outside of your church. Other pastors know what you carry, your weight, and the difficulties you endure. People you can call and unload on, and they can unload on you.

Keep your heart soft. It is easy in ministry to make your heart hard towards the people around you, to put up a wall to protect yourself and your family, and expect people to hurt you. You can’t do that. Yes, you should have wisdom, but when your heart gets hard, you must deal with that. On my way to church each Sunday morning, one of my prayers is, “God, give me your love for this church. Help me to see everyone through your eyes.”

My prayer each Sunday morning: “God, give me your love for this church. Help me to see everyone through your eyes.”

Friendships and ministry are not impossible; they take effort. The same applies to adults, as adult friendships are difficult to navigate. The realities of church and ministry make friendships for pastors and their families unique. That is something to be aware of and learn from so that you can last in ministry because friendships are crucial to being healthy in ministry and finishing well.

4 things to remember as a pastor when it comes to friendship and ministry.

Posted on Tuesday, August 9, 2022

How to Build Healthy Community

by Josh Reich

Photo by Matheus Ferrero on Unsplash

All of us need community and friendships. Yet, if we’re honest, most of us do not put the time and effort into them that we should. I know that I can slack off, and when I need or want more friends, it is easy to get frustrated.

As I look at my own life, I think two things that get us into trouble are:

We don’t know the kind of relationships that we need.
We put too much pressure on relationships, thinking they all need to be deep, lifelong friendships.

Recently, I read The Resilient Pastor: Leading Your Church in a Rapidly Changing World by Glenn Packiam, and he uses Frodo and The Lord of the Rings to help us see the kinds of friendships we need.

As you read through this, ask yourself a few questions:

Do you have these kinds of people and friends in your life?
If you’re missing someone, how do you fill that space?
What roles do you play in the lives of others?

The first category that Packiam talks about is The Sage. This is Gandalf in the Lord of the Rings. The wise wizard who appears at all the right moments. The sage represents the wisdom of those who have gone before you. People who are further along, older than you, more mature, have more life experience and deeper faith than you.

You are further along than someone; you are more mature than someone.

You need a sage, and you might be a sage to someone else.

The sage isn’t necessarily the superstar, but they are steady and persistent.

Who is your sage?

The next category is Companions. For Frodo, this is Merry and Pippin, and Samwise. Faithful, loyal friends.

These are the people you call at 3 am when your life falls apart; these are the first ones you call when you need help or hit a tragedy. These are also the first people who call you when you play this role for them.

Who do you call when your life falls apart?

Sam never leaves Frodo’s side. Even telling Frodo, “I can’t carry the ring for you, but I can carry you.”

What a line.

We all need those kinds of friends, the kind of friends who carry us.

Who are the people who walk with you? Who do you walk with? Who do you reach out to when your life falls apart? Who calls you when their life falls apart?

Similar to this is Peers. For Frodo, these are the dwarves and the elves.

They know what Frodo is doing, they fight alongside him in the war, but they aren’t carrying what Frodo is carrying.

Our paths cross, but we live different lives, and that’s okay. They might be other parents at school functions, sporting events, co-workers, or neighbors.

Often, we don’t think much about this relationship, but it is crucial. We often put too much pressure on relationships; we believe every relationship has to be deep or take a lot of time, but we need people we pop in and out of life with.

The next category for Frodo is the King. In middle earth, this is Aragorn.

Think of the King as the person who can tell you no.

Who in your life can tell you no?

This is a person that carries some authority in your life.

They may be able to stop you from doing something, or they might have moral authority in your life that if they said, “You shouldn’t do that,” it would give you pause.

Who in your life has the power and influence to tell you that you are wrong or making a bad decision?

The last thing we need in our community is a Healer. In Lord of the rings this is Elrond and Arwen, the elvish healers.

This could be a counselor, spiritual director, group leader, or friend who can speak to our pain and wounds. Who looks you in the eye and says, “that’s hard, that stinks what you walked through; you shouldn’t have to go through that.”

This person can also hold up a mirror to you, help us see our sins in situations, and help us have needed perspective.

The 5 relationships we need in our relational circle.

Who is missing in your circle?

Again, ask yourself these questions:

Do you have each of these kinds of people and friends in your life?
If you’re missing someone, how do you fill that space?
What roles do you play in the lives of others?

Posted on Thursday, May 12, 2022

The Things that Sneak into the Heart of a Pastor

by Josh Reich

Every week when a pastor preaches, they talk about the sin that binds the people in their church, the idols they battle, the lies they quickly fall into, and the truth of Jesus that frees them and destroys sin and death.

Pastors, by and large, often struggle to apply this same medicine to their sins.

Pastors, by and large, often struggle to apply the gospel they preach to their sin.

Much of the identity and idols that pastors fall into are residing in what happens on a Sunday morning at church. High attendance, strong giving, and loud singing were good days. A pastor will float through Sunday night, post about all that God did on Instagram, and wake up ready to charge hell on Monday morning.

Low attendance, a down week in giving, few laughs, and no one sings, and the pastor will go home, look at social media, get jealous of the megachurch down the road, wake up Monday morning ready to resign, and get another job.

The difference between the two examples?

The heart of the pastor.

Over the years as a pastor, I’ve ridden this roller coaster more than I’d like to admit. It is easy to do.

So, how do you handle this as a pastor? How do you protect your heart?

5 ways to protect your heart as a pastor.

1. Keep Sundays in perspective. What happens and what you feel as a pastor on a Sunday morning can be misleading. Just because it felt great doesn’t mean that it was. I’m amazed at how many times I feel like a sermon was so-so, and the response from people is, “That is exactly what I needed to hear.” And how many times do I get off the stage thinking I preached my greatest sermon, and no one says anything.

While Sunday matters, it does not tell the whole story of what God is doing in the life of your church or its people.

2. Be cautious about what you see on social media. A friend of mine who is revitalizing a church called me and said, “It’s so hard to watch the megachurch down the road baptize more people on Easter than we had in attendance.” And that’s a real struggle.

Be cautious about what you follow on social media and when you look at it. If you are exhausted and feeling down on Sunday night, Instagram may not be the best spot for your soul.

Another thing to remember is percentages. This is important. Every pastor would say that every life matters, but when you see thousands getting baptized or a massive move of God, it is hard not to feel jealous or inferior. But a megachurch and a church plant are not the same, just like the small start-up isn’t the same as Amazon. For example, if a church of 5,000 baptized 80 people on Easter, that is incredible, but they baptized 1.6% of their church. If your church of 250 baptized 10, that is 4%. Yes, they both matter the same, but, and this may seem silly to you, percentages have helped me to keep things in perspective when my heart gets out of line.

3. Celebrate what God does in the church down the road or across the country. The flip side of this coin is essential. Celebrate what God is doing in other churches, don’t despise it. Don’t say, “They must be watering down the gospel; that’s why they’re growing.” Just celebrate with them, and thank God for how His Spirit is at work.

Learn to celebrate what God is doing in other churches.

4. Make sure you do something life-giving on Sunday or Monday. Many pastors, when they get home on Sundays, are entirely spent. While it is exhilarating, it is also exhausting to preach, counsel, pray with others, and often leave church shouldering the people’s burdens in your church. That is part of what a pastor does. But in that, you must make sure that you refill your tank.

Too many pastors go home and sit down in front of the TV or scroll on their phones. While there is a place for this, you need to schedule some life-giving things for you.

We try to take a long walk on Sunday afternoon to get outside and move our bodies. Some reading time or a family game, and one of our practices on many Sunday evenings is to have another family or friends over for dinner.

Whatever is life-giving for you, a hobby, exercise, community, reading, do that on Sunday or Monday. Refill yourself after pouring so much out.

Pastors, refill yourself after Sundays.

5. Spend time with Jesus and friends. Friends and community are critical. And many pastors struggle with this. And I get it. It can be hard to have close friends within your church because you are always the pastor to them. It can be worked through, but you need friends, whether in your church or outside.

It would help if you refilled your soul after pouring it on a Sunday. On Mondays, make sure you spend time alone with Jesus and read a book that fills your soul that isn’t related to sermon prep. Grow yourself.

If recent studies are any indication (and I think they are), it will continue to be a challenge to be a pastor.

You must make protecting your heart a priority.

5 ways to stay in the pastoral ministry.

Posted on Friday, December 26, 2014

14 Top Posts of 2014

by Joshua Reich

In the month of December, I’ve been sharing my favorites of the year. You can read my favorite books of the year here.

Below are the 14 most read posts of 2014:

14. 10 Ways to Know if You’re Putting Your Kids Before Your Spouse

No one gets married thinking they will put their kids before their marriage, but over time without being intentional, it happens. It’s easy to do. Kids need our attention, they scream for it (literally). We also rationalize that it’s easier and the right thing to do. Or, we rationalize that we will have time for our spouse later in life, but later in life rarely comes.

13. Sometimes When People Leave Your Church, that is God protecting You

Whenever someone has left our church, no matter how much it hurt me personally, God has always shown himself faithful and allowed our church not to skip a beat. In fact, each time a volunteer or staff member has left, our church was stronger after they left and by God’s grace, we could take the next step.My point is, when people leave, sometimes it is for their good, your good and the good of the church because it is God protecting you.

12. 5 Things Productive People do in the Morning

Productivity is something everyone would like to raise in their life. To accomplish more is a goal most people have. Recently, I’ve been doing a lot of reading on time management, productivity, cutting things out of your life and how to step your game up. It seems like productive people accomplish more than everyone else and it isn’t because their life is easier or they have more hours in the day. They do specific things that everyone does not do.

11. Surviving a Hard Season in Your Marriage

If you are in a hard season that simply means you are married. Too many couples look at a hard season and want to throw in the towel, don’t. Your marriage means too much, the ripple affects to how your marriage goes are enormous. Don’t believe me? Talk to a friend who grew up in a broken home and ask them how that has impacted their life. Fight for your marriage.

10. 10 Books Every Christian Leader Should Read

I often get asked about leadership books that pastors should read. If you haven’t read these books, I highly recommend them. Let’s just say, these are 10 books every Christian leader should read.

9. The Pain of Breaking the 200 Barrier

Most churches in America never break through the 200 barrier, in fact, only 15% of churches break through it. Some pastors talk about it like it is the mythical unicorn. There are books, podcasts, webinars, and articles on how to break it. For years, Revolution would bump up against the 200 barrier and then go back down. We’d have seasons where we would stay above it and I thought we were through. Finally, we broke through it.

8. Dear Worship Leader

I love worship leaders. I love that at Revolution, almost half the service is music. I want you to be great. If you don’t serve with a pastor that wants you to be as great as possible, go find a new pastor to work with. The people who show up each week show up wanting to meet Jesus and you are a big part of that. You help us encounter Jesus in a personal, emotional and logical way. I want you to be great and I don’t want anything to stand in the way of you being the worship leader God called you to be.

7. How a Wife Flourishes

The idea of roles in marriage is filled with land mines. Many people have misused and misinterpreted the beautiful verses in the Bible to make them say what they want to. Few people have actually seen healthy couples live out roles well and often have incorrect views of Biblical roles. We have visions of quiet wives who say nothing, men who dominate and abuse their families all based on Ephesians 5, completely missing the point of this passage. In thinking about how a husband helps his wife flourish and become all that God has called her to be, here are 5 ways men often fail and how to work against these problems to create the picture described in Ephesians 5.

6. The One Thing Destroying Your Marriage That You Don’t Realize

On a regular basis I will hear from a parent, “My child is disrespectful to me or to my spouse and I don’t know what to do about it.” Or I’ll hear this from someone, “I can’t seem to connect with my spouse. We don’t connect sexually. We don’t connect emotionally or relationally.” What is going on? I’m about to pull my hair out. I don’t know what to do. Your kids reaction to you is a mirror of how they see you react to your spouse.

5. How Your Church can Reach Men

I was recently asked to join a team that helps to put events on for men in Arizona. I started to ask around about the organization because truth be told, I thought it was interesting since Revolution doesn’t have a men’s or women’s ministry. Essentially, we see our church as those. I asked someone who knew them well what he thought of this organization and he said, “Their meetings are a bunch of talk about ideas, what they’ll do but in the end, no action.” I looked at him and said, “So, like a men’s ministry.”

4. Vague Pastors

When you don’t preach on something, you are preaching on that thing. You are just saying what you think won’t be as controversial or the thing that won’t lose you your following.

3. 11 Ways to Know You’ve Settled for a Mediocre Marriage

It is so sad when I meet a couple that is unhappy. Whether it is stress, finances, kids, in-laws or sin, too many couples simply settle for a mediocre marriage. They carry around this look that says, “I’m not happy, but this is as good as it will get.” I’m sorry, but if I’m going to be in a relationship for the rest of my life, I want it to be better than a sigh followed by, “this is as good as it will get.”

2. Pastors Can Make the Worst Friends

For most pastors, church is something they are always thinking about. The next capital campaign, new ministry year, next sermon series, next issue, hiring a new person. It never stops. They spend all their time with people talking about church. They sit with their wife on date night and talk about church. It is not just a job, it is their life. It is who they are and this becomes unhealthy.

1. Thoughts from a White Dad of a Black Son on Ferguson

One of my sons is black. I will raise two kinds of boys to become men. Three of them white and they will see the world, be treated by the world and interact with the world one way. Then, another son who will see it differently, interact with it differently and be treated by it differently. Three of them will walk around with little fear of violence or being arrested. They will walk around as young adults and not fear police officers. One of my sons will.