Photo by S O C I A L . C U T on Unsplash
It is hard to believe that it is the middle of Summer. Honestly, it feels like it’s almost over as we get closer to our two oldest heading to college in August, but we’ll hold on to as many sunny beach days as we can in New England.
If you are new to my blog or missed some posts this past year, here are the top 10 posts of the year so far to help you catch up on your summer reading!
Photo by Deepak Gupta on Unsplash
Today is Valentine’s Day. For Katie and me, Valentine’s Day is like any other day. We don’t go out to eat today because it is crazy expensive. However, we also strive to have a weekly date night and check-in time with each other.
Today is a day when we focus on love, and some of us long for love that has been lost or has yet to be found. Our church is in the middle of a series on that very topic!
Over the years, Katie and I have taught in various settings about marriage and relationships. We have also written countless posts about them and read many books and articles on marriage to improve our relationship.
So, I thought I’d share our top 10 posts we’ve ever written on marriage:
One of the things I love to do each year in my own life and a small group I lead is to ask everyone this simple question: If you were to look more like Jesus a year from now, what would that mean? What changes would you make? How would you know if you became that person?
Many people miss what God has for them because they lack a vision for their spiritual growth.
But make no mistake, God has a vision for who we are becoming.
In John 15, Jesus tells his disciples what some of that looks like: to abide in Him.
To abide means to dwell, remain, make your home in, to be held and kept.
A simple heart-check question is, “What or who am I abiding in?” We are all abiding in something or someone. We all look to something or someone to keep us and hold us. We look for love and security from someone or something. We are making our home somewhere. That might be in our career, political party, relationship, kids’ sports, or lives. But we are all abiding in something or someone.
The question is, are we abiding in the right thing?
I have often struggled to know what it means to abide. Abiding sounds passive, but it isn’t.
When we think of the Christian life, we usually focus on the commands to go, do, make, etc.
And those are all over Scripture.
But John 15 also says that part of the Christian life is abiding, dwelling, remaining, being held and kept.
For that to happen, we must choose it.
In many ways, abiding is letting God love me.
How do we do that?
One, we must choose it. We must actively believe and trust that God loves us. We must believe that we can make a home in God and that he will hold us and keep us.
If this is hard, ask God to help you. Ask him to show you that you are loved and that he is keeping you.
Two, dwell with him.
Jesus tells his disciples in verse 3 that this happens through the word.
Third, submit to the pruning that the Father brings into our lives.
We don’t know the fruit we need to grow in as well as the Father.
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
A lot is written and said about the waiting and the longing of Advent. And that is what Advent is, the silence, the letting go of control as we wait.
But what are we waiting for? What are we anticipating?
A celebration.
We also see this in the book of Isaiah. The book of Isaiah has so many prophecies about the Messiah and what the birth, life, death, and resurrection of Jesus would mean for us.
Isaiah 25 says: On this mountain the LORD Almighty will prepare a feast of rich food for all peoples, a banquet of aged wine – the best of meats and the finest of wines.
This is not a thrown-together party.
This is well thought out.
Like the preparation many of us go through for Christmas.
I love to smoke meat. I’ll get up early on holidays to get the right flavored wood to go with the meat, the perfect rub, making sure the food is excellent for the people I’m serving.
Why? It brings joy.
The best foods, the finest wines. We are told in Psalm 104 that wine brings joy.
This is a picture of joy.
The best meat is the expensive, dry-aged ribeye steak. The best wine, not the stuff in a box, but the one you go into the wine cellar and pull out, the wine you’ve been saving.
Our best Christmas feast is only a foretaste of what eternity with Jesus will be like.
We don’t think like this.
But we practice for eternity when we sit around a table with friends and family.
Do you see how joy is savoring?
Joy is slowing down.
But this feast isn’t just about what is being served but the purpose of it.
The prophet Isaiah goes on: On this mountain he will destroy the shroud that enfolds all peoples, the sheet that covers all nations; he will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears from all faces; he will remove the disgrace of his people from all the earth. The LORD has spoken. In that day they will say, “Surely this is our God; we trusted in him, and he saved us. This is the LORD, we trusted in him; let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation.”
Have you ever been invited to a party and not been in the mood?
Maybe right now, you look at your life, this past year, and wonder how you can celebrate. How can you meet up with family and friends this week and celebrate?!
The hope of Advent is that Jesus came and that He will come again, and when he does, he will swallow up death forever; he will wipe every tear away from our faces.
He will take away the pain of betrayal, sadness, cancer, the pain of death, and decay.
He will swallow them up. He is showing his power over those things.
Think, the disgraces, the things you wish you could undo, the regrets you wish you hadn’t missed, the things your family reminds you of, the things you think when you look in the mirror, all removed.
We rejoice, and we are glad in his salvation.
In what he has done.
Our salvation was bought 2,000 years ago when Jesus came to earth, died in our place, and rose from the dead.
Have you noticed that there are people in the world that are hard to love?
I know. Surprising isn’t it!
People disappoint us on a daily basis.
The people closest to us will often give us the deepest and most painful scars.
You disappoint people.
You will give the deepest and most painful scars to those closest to you.
For most people, we look past it, shrug and keep moving.
Yet, there is so much more to be had in relationships.
In Matthew 5:44 Jesus makes a startling statement, to love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.
What’s telling about this verse is, first, we will have enemies. We will have people who persecute us.
As I thought about this verse this past week, I was blown away by how often I’m surprised by this. We all are. But in reading Matthew 5, it seems like we shouldn’t be surprised by it.
Jesus doesn’t tell us why we will have enemies or persecution, only that we will and what to do when it happens.
Now, some enemies come along because we make them and do something to hurt someone else. Some enemies come because of sin and evil in the heart of another.
What do we do with enemies? What do we do with people who hurt us? Make life difficult?
We pray for them.
Notice that prayer and love are connected, so you get the idea that Jesus isn’t talking about calling down the wrath of God or thunderbolts, but praying as you would for someone you loved. Which means you’d pray for their good, their blessing.
Let’s stop here.
This is often the last thing we want to do.
This is hard and painful.
Why do this?
Jesus tells us so we can reflect the Father.
Have you ever wondered, What is it like to be on the other side of me?
If you’re a follower of Jesus, the answer to that question should be, “It’s like being with God the Father.”
Can you picture the relationship that is the hardest for you? The person who is hardest to love?
Every relationship has a tough season and hard times, and sometimes those go on for a while. Things irritate us and hurt us — words, silence, and looks, distance.
Every relationship book will tell you the same thing, the way we keep intimacy in a relationship is what happens once something is broken, the next move.
What does Jesus tell us in Matthew 5?
Love, go the extra mile, do the unexpected, allow that friend to take advantage of your generosity.
What is amazing about all of this is that it is unexpected, but it is also something you decided ahead of time. They didn’t do it, you did. You chose it.
It’s the weekend…finally. The perfect time to grab a cup of coffee and catch up on some reading. Below, you’ll find some articles I came across this week that I found helpful as a leader and parent and hope you do as well.
Before diving into those, in case you missed them this week. Here are the top 3 posts on my blog this week that I hope you find helpful:
I just wrapped up a relationship series at our church called Him & Her and so I’m writing some new related content around the series: The Key to Healthy Relationships, The Power of Sexuality and Our Longing for Intimacy in Relationships, 3 Things that Make a Great Marriage and How to Love Those Who Mean the Most to You.
I love this article about Ray Ortlund and his ministry. It was deeply encouraging to me. To see how I don’t have to be great in my 30’s or do anything incredible for Jesus, but can have the greatest decade in my 60’s and 70’s. I also love that he planted a church at 58 since so many people in their 30’s feel like they missed out on something. For those who feel like life has passed you by, this is an encouraging read.
Carey Nieuwhof shares what will drive church growth in the future. There are a ton of great insights here.
If you’re like me, you love new ways of communicating, marketing, etc. In doing that though, it is easy to miss those old things still work. Rich Birch shares 4 old school communication methods that churches should use. We use some of these but will start using more of these as well.
Most leadership blogs and books on what leaders do. Brian Dodd shares great insight about the 8 things great leaders know.
Every marriage and relationship is different, and every person is different. But every marriage and relationship have one thing in common, a desire to be closer and to be more in love.
Throughout the day we send out signals, what one author called “bids.” We’ll ask people if they saw the game last night, if they watched that show, read that blog, what they’re doing this weekend.
Why?
To connect.
While some couples may feel distant and feel like the fun and love have worn off from their marriage, it is never too late.
I’m always sad whenever I hear couples talk as if their marriage is as good as it can get. We feel the same about friendships. At least I have someone to watch the Super Bowl with. Could be worse!
So, how do you build love back into a loveless marriage? How do you rekindle love that feels like it has worn out? How do you feel more fulfilled and happier in your marriage?
Honestly, it isn’t as hard as you might think.
The next time you are with your spouse or friend, ask them: What is one thing I can do to make your life more enjoyable? To make you feel more loved? To lessen the stress in your life?
The answers from your spouse might be: to have coffee ready in the morning, to pick up your clothes, to pick up the kids at school, to have dinner ready by a certain time, to have a meal plan for the week, cleaning up the kitchen before going to bed, no smartphones after 8pm. It might be more affection, more date nights, more time alone for mom, more sex, more talking, more face to face activities (what women enjoy), or more shoulder to shoulder activities (which men enjoy). It might be a huge request or a small one.
Your friend might say, “Let me pick what we do. Stop talking to me like that. Say yes to help me next time I ask.”
A few years ago Katie and I were beginning to feel like we had settled into a routine in our marriage, and we wanted to shake out of it. So we asked each other this in a conversation. We began to see how we had taken the other for granted and what would begin building back into our relationship. Revisiting this conversation can be incredibly helpful for couples.
Now a word of warning. There is a chance that what your spouse or friend will say is something you don’t want to do or think you are already doing, and they should be grateful for what you do. It can be easy to blow off what they say because you don’t want it. This response can be destructive to your relationship because your spouse or friend will probably not mention it again, and a divide will begin in your relationship.
As you move forward from this conversation, try it out for a week. See how it goes. Try it out for a month and then evaluate it. You may find it isn’t so bad. Your spouse may decide they really don’t want what they requested as much as they thought.
In the end, you are moving towards the other person and showing love to them in a way that makes sense to them, and that is never a bad thing.
I know that loving people is hard. It can be exhilarating and bring us so much joy, but it can also bring us heartache.
Last week Katie and I were with one of our mentors, and he said, “The people God has placed in our lives are there to activate what God wants to transform.” That is hard because everyone in my life isn’t always easy to live with. They can be messy, difficult, get in the way and get on my nerves. I can do the same to them as well. That is what relationships are like.
I want to encourage you to continue thinking through how you can bring love to your relationships, especially the most important and closest ones to you.
If you aren’t familiar with 1 Corinthians 13 on love (a very popular wedding passage), let’s remind ourselves:
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.
Love is patient. We are impatient people. We want food fast, internet fast and we get annoyed when Netflix buffers. We are also impatient relationally. This plays out by being demanding, bulldozing people and pushing too hard. It’s the worst with those closest to us, pushing them, expecting them to be what we want, to do what we want. Yet love says, “However long it takes for you to get your act together, I’ll be here.” Our culture says, “If they don’t change fast enough, if they hold you back, move on.”
Can you imagine Jesus saying, “You aren’t changing fast enough, so I’m done with you”, or, “You aren’t responding to me fast enough, so we’re done”? This is difficult, especially if you are a control freak in your life.
Love is kind. Kindness is actions, words, emotions and so much more.
In your relationships, do you use your presence and words to show kindness, or do you tear the other down? Kindness often is keeping your mouth shut when you’d love to open it. Not in a way to cover sin, but in a way to say, “That isn’t a big deal; I’ll let that go.”
Love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. Envy is a longing for something that isn’t currently ours. Boasting is puffing ourselves up, focusing on ourself and our needs over the needs of others. Arrogance is thinking we’re better than we are. Rude is controlling the agenda and everyone around us.
When we envy others, boast, are arrogant or rude, we push people away.
Often we do these things to be right, but also to protect ourselves from getting hurt. If I envy you, then I can blame you for my problems. If I boast, I can put you down to make me feel better. The same is true of being rude. If I’m arrogant, I protect myself from getting hurt. If I’m not proud, I’m willing to open up my heart to hurt, yes, but I also open up my heart to love.
All these emotions and actions do is isolate us. In this passage Paul is inviting us to let go of these desires.
Love does not insist on its own way. Many times love is self-seeking and about what we want.
Why do we insist on our way? For protection, fear, pride, anxiety, control, just to name a few. Love gives in relationships; it doesn’t take.
Love doesn’t insist on perfection. In our photoshopped, air brushed culture, we insist on perfection. We take and re-take selfies. We only post our highlights or our low lights in a way to get love. Think the next time you post something, are you posting it for affirmation? Most of us do.
But love says, “I’ll accept you. I’ll walk with you.” Love says, “I won’t have an independent spirit.” This doesn’t mean you are co-dependent, because that’s unhealthy, but do you bring an independent, “I’m going to do what I want when I want” spirit to your relationships?
At the end of the day, this is empathy and a willingness to see from the other person’s perspective in a relationship.
Love is not irritable or resentful. We all know people who are resentful and always irritated. They keep a list of wrongs in relationships, reminding people of past hurts. They also always expect the worst in relationships.
Do you know where this comes from? It comes from their family of origin, but often it comes from the picture they have of the relationship.
For me, I am often my biggest critic. Every situation I am in with anyone, I have a picture in my mind of what that interaction and time will be like. What this does is prevent me from enjoying the moment. I have to constantly battle this. Multiple times a day I have to remind myself, “This is good enough. The world won’t end.” When we let go and enjoy, we more easily let go of hurt, we more easily let go of things that didn’t go the way we wanted them to go.
Love does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. This goes with the last one.
Do you rejoice over the mistakes of those closest to you? Being able to say, “I told you it would go that way”, which puffs us up to show that we are right. We look at people who make mistakes in our lives and think, “How did you not know that would go that way?”
This also gets into the area of being historical in relationships. Do you find yourself saying, “Remember when…”, “You always…”, or “You never…”? Don’t miss this: No strong relationship is filled with the words always and never.
But what if the other person in my life is hard to love? What if my spouse is difficult? What if my child is hard to get along with? What if my parents or in-laws are always getting into our relationship?
Paul ends with what I think are the hardest parts of this passage, because they cost us the most.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things. This is the hardest part of love. This last verse shows us not only what God’s love towards us cost Him, but it shows us what love will cost us. It also shows us how strong love is.
Love can bear all things when we love the way God loves us. Love does not give up hope. Love is not naïve, but love is powerful. The love that Paul has been talking about in these verses is love that can bear all things, believe all things and hope all things.
But what if the other person doesn’t love like that?
Love endures all things. That’s why Paul ends with love endures all things.
You have the choice to endure all things, in love, even when things are the hardest and the darkest. Even when facing your hurt is painful, even when that person hurts you emotionally, you have the choice to love.
Will they return that love? Maybe not.
We love those around us the way we believe God loves us (1 John 4:19), whether we believe in God or not.
For example, if we believe God is indifferent towards us, this is how we approach most relationships. If we believe God is holding out on us, we will hold out on those closest to us in relationships. If we believe God has a short fuse, we will tend to have a short fuse. If we believe God doesn’t care what we do, this is how we will treat those closest to us.
How do I know this?
1 Corinthians 13 is a picture of God’s love toward us. All of these remind us of what God’s love is like.
God is not impatient or unkind with us. He is not pushy. God does not say to us, “Do you remember when you…”, or, “You always…” Instead, we are told that when we take the step of following Jesus and confessing our sins and need for Jesus, God remembers our sin no more. It is hard when we are hurt, carry around shame and regret and guilt from past relationships to see the truth. We are so used to seeing that relationship and all relationships through the lens of pain. Yet Jesus sets us free from our shame, regret and guilt. He is the power to overcome those experiences.
But why is love so hard?
Because, “The people God has placed in our lives are there to activate what God wants to transform.” So, as you read through the list in 1 Corinthians 13, you begin to see what God wants to transform in your life through what is difficult for you to live out.
Think of one thing, one relationship, and work on that. Change and growth take time, so don’t feel like you need to fix every relationship you have. That’s not possible. Give yourself permission to take your time. God isn’t in a rush.
I love control.
There I said it.
If you know me well, that isn’t a surprise.
My love for control often pushes me to push others. Push in my own life. Push people to work harder or be better or look better so that I can win and look good.
It isn’t because I care about what others think of me. It is because I like the feeling of control (at least the mirage of it) and winning.
There’s a problem with this. It actually keeps me from experiencing life in God and the freedom that comes from trusting Him.
Two things have proven helpful to me in this area and maybe will be something that is helpful to you.
One, praying about it. I know this seems obvious, but if we are going to rely on God’s power over something, we need to talk to Him about it. This allows us to ask Him for help and power in the areas of our lives that need it. If this is a struggle for you, I’d encourage you to bring that struggle to God. Ask Him for help in the area of your life where you need His power and direction. Give it over to Him. While He is in control and nothing happens without His direction or permission, this is about us confessing our need for Him, reminding ourselves that we will stop controlling something and let go of the wheel. This is about our hearts.
Two, get a trusted friend to walk with you and remind you of the lack of power you have in this area of your life. This is someone who can call you when you need it, challenge you when you need it and help you to let go of things in your life that only God can do and change.
This is truly the way to lasting change and the way to living the life God has called you to live.
[Image]
When I was 25 I was a young, punk of a leader. I had a Master’s degree and had been a part of large, successful ministries. I was always the smartest person in the room (in my mind and I made sure others knew it). I also had had a relatively easy life up until this point.
I was sitting in an interview with a large church for a student pastor position. The interview was going well and I thought I would for sure get the job. The executive pastor was getting ready to wrap up the interview when he asked if anyone had any final questions. The lead pastor had been in the interview the entire time but hadn’t said a word. He looked at me and said, “I have one question.” I was ready to talk vision or strategy, but his question caught me off guard. He looked at me and said, “Tell me your deepest hurt.”
I was silent.
He then said, “Tell me about your deepest wound.”
I stumbled for an answer.
While I had been hurt, I had never really been abused or beaten. I wasn’t abandoned or from a broken home. My life had been easy up until this moment. I gave him a rather lame answer that I can’t even remember.
After my answer he said, “Thanks Josh, but we won’t be hiring you. I’m afraid of a leader who can’t name his deepest hurt because I don’t know if he’s past it, but I also don’t know what he’ll do when he meets it.”
Little did I know, the next 3 years after this moment, I would encounter hurts and pain I had never dreamed of.
Fast forward 10 years and I’m on the other side of the table of interviewing people. One of the questions I ask each person is, “Tell me about your deepest pain. What do you do when life hurts? When God seems silent? What you can’t connect with your spouse? When your ministry feels like a failure?”
Like that lead pastor, I’m scared of leaders who stumble through this answer.
Why?
Because they will face a desert, they will face failure, they will come up against their deepest pain at some point and I don’t know how they’ll respond.
This right here is why many people fail to move forward in life, fail to capitalize on their gifts or see the doors open to them that they wish to have open.
We like authentic people and leaders, people who have been wounded as we have but have found a way to move forward from it. Who aren’t scarred by it, they are marked by their past, but they aren’t destroyed by it.
There is something about a leader who has faced what we have faced and come out the other side. We want to be around them, we want to be like them, we want to follow them to where they are going.
