Posted on Monday, January 25, 2016

Seasons in Life, Leadership & Church

by Joshua Reich

I grew up in a farming community, so everyone was very aware of the seasons and what those seasons meant for life. Certain things happened during certain times of the year. You planted, watered, prepped the dirt and harvested plants at certain times. If you did it at the wrong time (too early or too late), you could harm the crops and miss what could be.

Life, leadership and church are the same. There are times when things are high (harvesting the crops) and times when you are prepping the dirt (getting ready) or pulling out weeds, and it feels like nothing is happening.

Then, like a farm, you start over.

When you start a church (or a new chapter in life), you are clearing the field, getting the seed ready, tilling the ground. Things like building a team, building in that team, getting the word out, working through logistics and schedules to get a church off the ground. This is hard work. There is no shortcut through this, although I meet plenty of church planters who want to skip this. It’s easy to see why; it is hard. Long hours, you see very little fruit because you are planting, you are weeding, you are watering. Some younger leaders can relate to this season as they work under a pastor, waiting for the time to plant a church. Many guys see this as “biding their time” but need to see it as the time of pruning, the Spirit of God working in and on them for what lies ahead. This season is mostly behind the scenes. The work that is being done is often being done in hearts, lives and in meetings as people work to shore up systems and how things are done.

In our lives this is trying to get a career off the ground, trying to finish school, pay your dues at a company, working to get your marriage off the ground, trying to figure out kids, how that all works as you parent. This is the beginning of things. This is hard work. In this season most dreams, most goals stop because of the difficulties.

Don’t miss this: this is not a wasted season. If you don’t do this hard work, preparing, studying, reading, getting ready, you can’t actually plant a crop. You can’t start a business, you are unprepared to start a family. We too often rush into things we are not ready for.

Don’t rush to the next thing in life. You may not be ready for it.

Then you water, you clear the weeds away, making sure the crop gets sunlight, plenty of fertilizer and water.

This is the time that you start to see life. The first person to become a follower of Jesus, the first baptism, first marriage saved, you launch something in your church. This is exciting, this is what you hoped for. For many guys, though, this can be depressing because it is slow. You will see plants come up that just die. You will see weeds that overtake plants. Or plants that don’t grow to what they should be. Leaders you poured into who walk away, marriages you counseled only to have them quit. Moments of betrayal and feeling stabbed in the back, feelings of God abandoning you. At this point you will probably hear of how God is working in the church down the street. Don’t despair; they are in a different season.

You are in your season, they are in their season.

Your marriage starts having small wins, you begin to see eye to eye, you’re connecting again. You get pregnant after a long, difficult season of infertility. Your work is beginning to get noticed, you get some accolades, a promotion, get accepted for that master’s program.

Like a church, you can start to get jealous at this point. Someone else seems to have an easier time. Their child isn’t as difficult, their marriage (while yours is great) is better.

The next season is the harvest. Plants are growing, you are reaping rewards from your hard work. In this season you have unprecedented momentum. You can do little wrong. Every idea you try seems to work. Your sermons click, community groups multiply, money is great, staff is getting along. There is a buzz about what God is doing in your church. You might even be getting noticed in your city, people are talking. This is the season you hear about on twitter, blogs and at conferences.

This is where you can look back with some accomplishment on a project that has taken awhile. Maybe you had a lot of work you had to do in your marriage, you sell a business, a business is finally humming and hitting on all cylinders, you graduate, and all the work you put into your schooling is done. It is a season of accomplishment.

This is the season everyone wants to live in.

The reality, though, is that this season comes to an end, and then you start over. What often keeps pushing you through this cycle is the reality that the harvest season does come.

So how long do these seasons last? It depends. Some leaders, churches, careers and marriages get stuck in an early season and never reap any benefits. Some after going through the great feelings of the harvest and seeing things start over simply throw up their hands and quit. Most people seem to stay stuck in an early season and wonder why life is so hard.

If you are in a hard season in life, don’t despair. It doesn’t last forever.

The important thing for a leader is to know what season they are in personally and where their church is so they can lead effectively and know how their church is doing. People need to be reminded that hard seasons do not last forever, but they also need to be reminded to enjoy the seasons of growth and momentum.

Posted on Monday, July 13, 2015

2 Things Every Pastor Must Do Before Preaching on Marriage

by Joshua Reich

I recently finished a series on the Song of Solomon, and after talking to a number of pastors about it, many of them expressed a desire to not preach on marriage and relationships and sex. Let’s not forget the fear pastors have of talking about sex.

I think there are two things pastors must do if they are going to preach on marriage and relationships:

1. Get your marriage in order. I can’t overemphasize this. I realize if you are a regular reader of this blog you have heard this before, but this is so important. The longer you are a pastor at a church, the marriages of the church will resemble yours. If you want to preach on something, you must have something to share.

The longer you are a pastor at a church, the marriages of the church will resemble yours.

I know that working on your marriage is hard work; it is hard to make sure you are pouring time into your marriage. It is easy for a pastor to let his marriage fall apart because most people in your church have no idea if your marriage is going well. If your marriage is not what it should be, do some work on it so you have something to share when you preach on marriage.

2. Give your church the principles of marriage, not your marriage. Many times when a pastor preaches on marriage, he gives what he does based off the Bible and can give the impression that how the pastor does marriage is the only way to do it.

When you preach on marriage, give principles of marriage, not your marriage.

I get it. It is easy to say, “Based on Ephesians 5 or Titus 2 or 1 Peter 3, my wife and I do this,” and make it sound like the way you do it is the only way to do it. Is your way right? Yes. Is it the only way to do it? The only biblical way to do it? No. Take what the Bible says, the principles that it gives, and help your church apply those principles, not apply your marriage.

This is hard to do but incredibly helpful to your church. Your marriage is unique because of who you are and who your wife is. Keep that truth in mind when you preach on marriage.

Share the story of how you got to where you are, how you have applied the things in the Bible on marriage. Make sure you make those the hard gospel truths you preach, not what you do based on those.

2 keys to preaching a sermon on marriage.

Posted on Friday, June 26, 2015

Why Pastors Are Afraid to Preach on Marriage

by Joshua Reich

That may seem like a weird blog title, but I think pastors have some genuine fear about preaching on marriage and relationships.

In the past few weeks as I have talked with pastors about our series through the Song of Solomon, many of them have expressed how they would never preach through that book. In fact, I looked at the websites of churches who “preach through books of the Bible verse-by-verse,” and the Song of Solomon is one of the books most pastors skip.

I’ve already detailed why a pastor should preach on marriage, relationships and singleness on a yearly basis, but why don’t they?

Here are a few reasons:

1. Their marriage isn’t what it should be. I think this is the reason pastors don’t talk about marriage, relationships and sex in their sermons. Their marriage is falling apart. They aren’t happy, their wife is miserable, maybe they are having an affair, are addicted to porn. In short, if they preach on marriage they would be a hypocrite. Honestly, I’ve had a number of pastors tell me this is the reason they don’t preach on marriage, and every time I hear it, my heart breaks. Not only for their church and what they are missing, but also for the pastor and his wife.

They are stuck, and they don’t know what to do. They are sad, heartbroken, miserable, angry with each other, fighting off bitterness, maybe considering a divorce (but they don’t know how to support themselves if they get divorced). They may even be considering cheating on their spouse.

If this is you, you shouldn’t preach on marriage, but you also need to not walk through this alone. You need to take a break from ministry, involve your elders, see a Christian counselor. Something. Anything to work on your marriage to get it on the track it needs to be.

Most pastors don’t preach on marriage because their marriage isn’t what it should be.

2. Marriage, being single, divorce are all private matters, and many pastors fear private matters. Many pastors, believe it or not, are fearful of diving into the personal matters of your life. Money and sex are topics pastors are afraid to talk about, often because they think their church doesn’t want to hear about those things. Honestly, what the Bible says about these two topics is probably something everyone in your church wants to know.

Money & sex are 2 topics everyone in your church wants to hear about.

It is difficult to wade into the waters of porn and sexual addiction, divorce, unhappy marriages, and brokenness. It is uncomfortable and not very fun. But as a pastor, that is where your people live and need your help.

3. They don’t want to exclude anyone. This is a real reason why many pastors don’t preach on marriage and relationships, and I understand it. It is hard when you talk about roles in marriage knowing that a single person is sitting there who finds this completely irrelevant, or a divorced person who begins feeling guilty about their failure. It is hard to talk about being single and purity as your married couples sit there and think, “What does this have to do with me?”

Those are all true.

At the same time, part of teaching your church is helping them understand that just because something doesn’t feel relevant doesn’t mean that it isn’t relevant. I need to know the struggles of someone who is single or dating so I can be a good friend to my single and dating friends. The same goes with divorce and marriage. If you are single, you may be married one day, and it is great if you can learn a thing or two now before getting there.

4. Pastors don’t want to deal with the pain that comes with it. The moment you start talking about marriage, relationships, divorce, dating and sexuality, you are about to open a can of worms that you may not want to in your church. You will find yourself wading into abuse, anger, bitterness, addictions, hurts and family of origin issues that often feel like a web that will never untangle. I had a pastor tell me he doesn’t preach on these topics because he doesn’t want to deal with those hurts in the lives of his people.

Yet this is the exact spot most of the hurt in your church resides, these topics. These are the fights that couples are having, this loneliness is why singles hurt so much at night and why they fall into arms they shouldn’t and pull up websites they shouldn’t. This hurt and disillusionment is why wives get bitter and why husbands aren’t servants to their wives.

Most hurt and regrets in our lives are sexual, so churches should talk about them.

5. Pastors don’t want angry emails. As someone who preaches on these topics regularly, and having preached the Song of Solomon twice in the seven years Revolution has existed, I can tell you that marriage, divorce, dating, sexual addictions, porn and sex are fast ways to get angry emails.

Just tell a wife that the word submission is in the Bible. Talk about sex and see what happens. We challenged married couples to do something sexual everyday for 30 days. Some people loved that, others didn’t. I heard from both. I had people tell me the Song of Solomon shouldn’t be in the Bible, that it really isn’t about sex but about God’s love for us. If you have read through the Song of Solomon, it’s kind of awkward; it’s like being a voyeur to someone’s sexual life. It’s descriptive, clear, intimate and inspired by the Holy Spirit just like John and Romans are.

If you preach on these topics, don’t go into them blindly. You will make people angry. Some is to be expected. When you talk about forgiving someone who abused you or your ex-husband, expect some anger and hurt. This is natural and okay. This is an opportunity for you to disciple someone to be more like Jesus. Will that be easy? No. Will it be worth it? Yes.

Posted on Monday, May 18, 2015

5 Reasons Relationships Fall Apart

by Joshua Reich

Healthy relationships take work. Healthy marriages that people want to stay in don’t just happen. Although we think they do. We think two people magically just work together, never fight, never have an issue or disagreement to work through, but they do.

So, where do things go wrong? How can a friendship that was working so well, a marriage that seemed so right all of a sudden seem all wrong?

Here are 5 ways relationships go from working to broken:

5 reasons marriage stop working.

It’s too much work. Healthy relationships take a lot of work. It means being patient, listening, hearing someone out, putting your wants and privileges aside. That’s work.
It’s hurts too much to face their past or do the hard work. As we’ll see later, almost every fight in a relationship is not about what you are fighting about. You are fighting with a past incident, a hurt you haven’t dealt with, a person you see in the person in front of you. They remind you of your dad, your mom, they said words similar to an abuser or someone who you were supposed to trust. Healthy people face their past and in the power of Jesus see it redeemed. Unhealthy people use their past and stay the victim instead of finding healing. This is hard work, this can be incredibly painful. Any argument you have to ask the crucial question, “Are we actually fighting about this? What are we really fighting about? Who am I really fighting with?”
They’re lazy and selfish, they want the other person to do all the work and all the changing. Just like #1, being lazy and selfish in relationships is easy, serving, putting in the work, putting the other person’s needs and wants first takes work. Often too, we want the other person to put in the work to become the healthy person while we stay unhealthy. I’ll hold on to that incident and bring it up whenever it suits me. I’ll remind them of my hurt instead of dealing with my hurt.
They think they are better than their spouse or the other person. Sometimes people are in an unhealthy relationship because they think they are less sinful than the other person. They look down on them. They wouldn’t say this but they hold the other person’s sin in contempt, thinking, “How can they not see that? Why do they struggle with that?” They turn their noses up at the thought of putting in the hard work to reconcile with a spouse or a friend. They will say it is the other person’s fault but deep down, they are the less sinful person they know.
Confuse what reconciliation means. Reconciliation doesn’t mean you are friends with everyone, you might need to protect yourself from an abusive situation, and you may need to protect your kids as well. Reconciliation does mean that you don’t hold it against the person anymore; that you don’t bring up the past, you stop saying, “Remember…?”

So what do you do?

We prefer the absence of conflict to the closeness of intimacy.

Be honest. Many people are not honest about their past, about their hurt or even where their marriage or relationship is. Almost on a monthly basis I’ll have a couple tell me, “We never fight.” That’s a lie. They are avoiding relational health when they think this. They are putting off the hard work of changing for a facade of peace.

Posted on Monday, May 11, 2015

When You Aren’t in the Mood for Sex

by Joshua Reich

At some point, all married couples hit a point in their relationship when sex feels like more of a chore than something they look forward to. Many couples struggle with a difference in desire, how often they want sex and even finding enjoyment in it.

This sets many couples up for fights, a disconnect relationally and frustration. It can open the door to manipulating each other instead of seeking to serve each other. It can open the door for temptation and bitterness as well.

Because life is constantly changing and moving, one month things seem to be going well in the romance and sex department for a couple, they can quickly find themselves angry, let down and frustrated.

What then?

Here are 4 questions to ask and two pieces of advice when you find yourself not in the mood for sex with your spouse:

Here are 4 questions to ask and two pieces of advice when you find yourself not in the mood for sex.

1. What is your pace, sleep and diet like? Your diet, sleep and pace affect a lot in your life. When someone says, “I’m too tired for sex” they more than likely are too tired for sex. The older you get, the more kids you have (especially when they are young) this becomes even more important. Make sure you are getting as much as you can, that you are eating well so that your body is refueled and that you are watching your caffeine and alcohol intake. Is this only for sex? No, you should do this to live. I am always amazed at how little we seem to think about how much we sleep, how much we work and what we put into our bodies as it relates to our energy level.

Your diet, sleep and pace affect how much sex you have with your spouse.

2. What is your stress level like? Often frustrations come into the bedroom when we have frustrations in other areas of our lives. Too much work and not enough play can be a damaging thing when it comes to relationships. Are you able to disconnect from your work and life while you are at home? One study found that 36% of people check their phones right after sex, which seems crazy. You need to make sure that you are keeping boundaries in your life because they will affect what happens with your spouse in the bedroom if you aren’t careful.

3. How open and honest are you being as a couple? One reason couples see a drop in how often they have sex is because they don’t feel connected as a couple. They are keeping secrets, not sharing their life and when this happens, having sex becomes less of a priority. You aren’t sharing your life and energy for sex and connecting goes down. A simple way to get into the mood is to set the table so to speak. Open up, talk, share about your day. This can be seen as an issue when you fight right before having sex or when things start to get closer to sex. You are shutting down because you feel a lack of emotional connection with your spouse.

If you don’t connect with your spouse outside of the bedroom, connecting inside goes down.

4. How pure are you being? One reason couples don’t have much sex (and it doesn’t get talked about often enough) is that they aren’t being pure. They are looking at porn, emotionally connecting to someone they aren’t married to, reading romance novels or fantasizing about someone other than their spouse so they don’t need their spouse for sexual fulfillment. This is a dangerous place to be. Remember this truth: your sexual relationship is the barometer of your marriage. People argue against this, but it is true. If you find yourself not desiring sex, not having as much sex as you used to or think you should be having, the purity question might be worth exploring.

Now, two pieces of advice when you find yourself not in the mood for sex.

5. Think ahead. This isn’t romantic but often you need to plan sex. Whether that is saying in the morning, “we’ll have sex tonight.” Or, texting your spouse in the middle of the day what you want to do that night, plan it. This can build anticipation, but also helps to make sure it happens. This helps both people let go of stress from the day and get into the mindset for sex.

6. Sometimes you need to bite the bullet. Sometimes, for the good of your relationship, you just need to have sex. You are tired and want to go to sleep, you don’t feel like it, you don’t feel connected, but for the good of your marriage, you should have sex. Now, if this becomes the rhythm of your marriage (ie. you are never in the mood), then I would figure that out. There is more than likely an underlying issue that has yet to be dealt with.

Posted on Monday, April 27, 2015

6 Ways to Make your Marriage Refreshing

by Joshua Reich

There is a great picture of what a marriage should be like in Song of Solomon 1:14. The woman calls compares their relationship to En Gedi. En Gedi is an oasis in the desert near the Dead Sea. Out of nowhere, this oasis, with lush trees, plants, water and even a waterfall spring up.

Yet, this is not what most relationships and marriages are like. Most marriages are filled with stress, pain, nagging, hurtful words, anger, outbursts and even abuse.

It doesn’t have to be this way and couples don’t get married to live in the desert, they get married hoping for the oasis. But how do you make the trip?

6 Ways to Make your Marriage Refreshing.

Here are 6 simple ways to get there:

1. Stop nagging. Many couples nag at each other, put each other down, get on each other’s cases and are simply mean to each other. This creates an environment no one wants to be in, a family working against itself. This isn’t rocket science, yet so many couples nag, make fun of each other all in an effort to accomplish something. When a couple does this they will say that they are trying to get something done (a project, their spouse to change, wake their spouse up), but what is really happening is pushing them away. Every time nagging happens in a relationship, it comes from a place of brokenness. Sometimes nagging comes from a place of disappointment; either in yourself, your spouse or even where you thought your life and marriage would be at this point. Sometimes in life, you need to grieve that things aren’t going as expected and learn to move forward from that, but that’s another post.

Nagging in relationships comes from a place of brokenness.

2. Start talking. One of the best ways to make your marriage refreshing is talking. Opening up to your hopes, dreams, disappointments, sharing your past, your hurts and joys. Many couples who are in marriages that are not refreshing find themselves keeping things bottled up or opening up more to someone they aren’t married to than they do to their spouse. Your spouse should know more about you than anyone else. Always.

3. Start serving. If you look at couples who are in refreshing marriages, an oasis in the desert, you will see 2 people who are striving to outserve the other. Yes, this can be broken and one of you can take advantage of this. This is my default mode in our marriage but Katie and I still work at outserving each other (although she always wins that).

Happy marriage secret: Outserve your spouse.

4. Start pursuing. What made you want to get married was pursuit. You did things together, couldn’t wait to see each other, planned date nights and trips. You pursued your future spouse, which is one reason they became your current spouse. Along the way, the pursuit ended. One of the fastest ways to create a refreshing marriage is to pursue your spouse. Plan date nights (they don’t have to be expensive), do things the other one likes (even if you hate it), participate in hobbies together (even if you don’t like the hobby), and lastly, pursue each other sexually. Husband and wife should initiate sex regularly, this is a win.

5. Start believing. Couples who have a refreshing marriage believe in each other. They believe the best, hope for the best, they believe in the dreams of their spouse and encourage them to pursue them. A refreshing marriage is one where you never have to say, “Don’t you want to have? Don’t you want me to pursue my dreams?” A marriage stuck in the desert has those conversations. Remember, #3? This comes from a place of serving and when you’re serving, you have a willingness to put your dreams on hold if necessary, instead of fighting for them.

6. Start setting up. A refreshing marriage is one where spouses try to help the other succeed. They ask, “how can I set my spouse up for success? How can I make them look good to others? How can I help them reach their goals?” A desert couple says, “What about me and my dreams? Who’s setting me up?” A desert couple doesn’t fight for oneness but for themselves.

An unhappy couple doesn’t fight for oneness but for themselves.

The reality is, even though every couple wants a marriage in the oasis, we will often choose the desert. It is what we know, it is easier, less work and honestly, the desert allows us to be selfish.

Don’t buy it though. No one lives very long in the desert.

Posted on Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Lies we Believe About Marriage

by Joshua Reich

Marriages are strong and marriages need work for all kinds of reasons. Sadly, few marriages got the distance and even fewer are happy. A lot of that has to do with expectations of marriage (before and during) but many of the issues in marriage stem from lies we believe about marriage.

7 lies people believe about marriage.

Lie #1: My spouse will complete me. This is one we are fed from the time we start to notice the opposite sex. It is in movies, books, articles and deep down, we hope that we will find someone that will meet all our needs, be everything we want, but the reality is, no one can do that. It is not possible for someone to meet all your emotional, spiritual, and relational needs. There will always be a gap and this is why our spouse’s inability to meet all our needs points us to Jesus. On the flip side of this, we can’t meet our spouse’s every need, so we can’t save our spouse (as many try to). We can’t change them, we can encourage them, but we can’t make them do something, although many try.

A common lie about marriage many believe is their spouse will complete them.

Lie #2: My happiness is my top priority. From our earliest age, many people are taught that they can win at everything, do whatever they want, get a trophy for showing up, so life becomes about my happiness and what I can get. This isn’t reality. This becomes a litmus test for how we feel about our marriage. In fact, the moment that we are unhappy we assume something is wrong. Something might be wrong but you might also be married. Marriage doesn’t always bring happiness but it does bring joy, which is very different but more important because joy is long lasting and not fleeting.

Being unhappy might not mean something wrong in your marriage, you might just be married.

Lie #3: There is only one right person for me to marry. This is born in fairy tales that somehow there is one person on the planet for you to marry and if you marry the wrong person the entire axis of the universe will be thrown off. Few people say this, but many people subtlety believe it before and after they get married. They put enormous pressure on “finding God’s perfect person for them” that they are paralyzed from experiencing community and relationships. After they get married, couples struggle when hard times hit and they wonder if they married the wrong person. First off, how arrogant do you have to be to think you could marry the wrong person and start a cosmic destruction? This also gets into figuring out God’s will (which is another post but I think we put too much pressure “God’s perfect will” for our lives). Let me say, there are so many things you can do for God that instead of sitting around wondering if it is God’s perfect will, you should just start doing something.

Instead of wondering if it is God’s perfect will, you should just start doing something.

Lie #4: What I do on my own time won’t affect my marriage. This gets at the selfishness many people feel in their lives. The idea that once you get married, you still stay a single person, you just happened to be married now. This is why many couples keep separate bank accounts, their own calendars and “do their own thing.” The reality around separate bank accounts is that you are always keeping one foot out the door, not letting go of some trust issue in your past. And, if you don’t trust your spouse to share a bank account, there is a deeper issue that needs work, the bank account isn’t the issue. The reality is, how you spend your time, money, how you think about yourself, whether you protect yourself to stay pure in your marriage has an enormous impact on your marriage.

Everything you do affects your marriage. For good or bad.

Lie #5: A great marriage doesn’t take work. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this after a sermon or counseling a couple and every time it is heart breaking. Often, we look at couples who are happy, handling the ups and downs of life well and wonder how they did it. Like seeing the success of Steve Jobs without any of the struggles. Idealizing marriage can be like that. It takes work. It is hard. In fact, I would say there is not a great marriage on the planet that was not filled with seasons of difficulties.

All great marriages have experienced difficult seasons.

Lie #6: My past has no impact on my marriage. This is one I encounter a lot in premarital counseling. The thinking that your past relationships, porn addiction in college, the father issues you have not dealt with yet, the divorce your parents went through or you went through; that those things will have no bearing or minimal impact on your present and future marriage. Not true. All those things have an enormous impact on how you see yourself and your spouse. If you are a woman and all your life men have broken promises and used you, that is exactly what you will expect your husband to do. If you grow up and are abused and see sex as something dirty or something that is a way to live out selfishness instead of a place to give and serve your spouse, that will have an enormous impact. Lastly, most of what people do in a marriage is either a reaction against what their parents did or what they saw their parents do. It is what we know, so until we see that, see it for what it is, evaluate if that is healthy and then deal with it, we will continue the cycle of the past.

Most people in marriage react against what their parents did.

Most people in marriage mindlessly do what their parents did because that’s what they know.

Lie #7: You can’t choose who you love. Typically when someone tells me this lie they have already sinned or are about to. It is often used to excuse why they are getting divorced or committing adultery. Yet, when we take this lie to its fullest extent, we would never want someone to love us this way. We wouldn’t want our spouse, kids or Jesus to show us love only when they feel like it. Yet, for many couples this is how they live their married life. The reality, the truth is that many days you will wake up in marriage and have to choose to love your spouse because they will not be lovely, they will not be easy to love, there will be a big piece of you that does not want to love them because you want to be selfish, you want them to stop doing something or at the very least, you want life to be easier. But love is a choice followed by an emotion.

Love is a choice followed by an emotion, an act of the will.

While there are many more, these are just a few I’ve encountered that bring a lot of hurt and damage.

Posted on Wednesday, February 25, 2015

One Way You Rob Your Marriage of Intimacy

by Joshua Reich

Have you ever noticed that it is sometimes easier to be more open about your marriage or an area of your life with someone other than your spouse? Sometimes it is easier to vent about something on Facebook, to a friend or co-worker than to your spouse.

Pastors do this too.

One of the things people love in a sermon is when a pastor is open. When they talk about their life. When they share about their struggles, what they are learning, how God is moving in their life.

Some pastors struggle with this. How much to share, when to share, what to share.

Many pastors love doing this though.

Why?

Because people will talk about it afterward. People like to talk about themselves, even if it is a struggle or past hurt. We like the spotlight on ourselves.

Pastors are no different in this struggle.

Here is where many pastors then rob their marriages.

I don’t think this happens intentionally.

Pastors can be more open in their sermons than in their marriages.

Pastors can be more open in their sermons than in their marriages.

I remember after one sermon I was really on. Everything went great that day. Afterward Katie said to me, “I never knew any of that stuff.”

She was right. I was more open in a sermon than with her.

It’s easy to do and many wives know the feeling of sitting in church and hearing their husband share something for the first time and thinking, “I wish he told me that before.” Not because they are embarrassed, but because they want to be close to their husband. They want the vulnerability in their marriage that he is showing on stage in a sermon.

You should be more vulnerable in your marriage than in a sermon.

Back to you if you aren’t a pastor.

Are you more open online or with a friend than with your spouse? Do you share more things in a small group than you do with your spouse? If you do, you are robbing your marriage. You are keeping your marriage from having depth.

As the quote says above, vulnerability takes courage. Whether on a stage or one-on-one, but I believe it takes more courage in a marriage than a sermon or online or with a friend.

Posted on Wednesday, February 4, 2015

How to Make Time for Your Spouse

by Joshua Reich

Recently in a sermon I said that every couple should have a weekly date night. I also blogged about why every couple should have a yearly getaway.

As usual, the pushback I got was expected and normal.

Things like: we don’t have time, we don’t have money, we spend time when we can (when time magically appears one guy told me), we have kids so that isn’t possible, we don’t know what to do, date nights aren’t that important, we’ll get away someday or my favorite: my marriage doesn’t need date nights.

My response: you don’t have time not to. You don’t have time to not make spending intentional time together as a couple not happen. It is that important.

Let’s take a step back to when you were dating.

You spent all kinds of time together. You would sit on the couch and just be together, you would leave notes for each other, you would take walks together, you would watch movies and eat ice cream. Now, which of those cost more than $10?

None of them.

Yet, the older we get and the longer we’re married, we make all kinds of reasons (and excuses) as to why we don’t we spend intentional time together.

That’s the key word: intentional.

If you are not intentional in your marriage, it will begin to fall apart.

I don’t care if you call it date night, a weekly meeting or the 2 hours I spend with my spouse each week.

But if you don’t spend time building into your relationship, something or someone else will.

A common thing I hear is: who has the time for that? Between sports, bed time, work, school, hobbies, the list goes on and on. Again, it doesn’t have to be a lot, it needs to be intentional. I know a couple who walks together 30 minutes each day to build into their relationship. Katie and I used to spend an hour each night talking before bed. I would sit on a chair (we bought a chair that we put right next to the bed so I could sit up and not fall asleep, I’m not kidding) and we would talk to end our day.

The question you have to ask: what is getting my time that should be going to my spouse? All of the things you do, you don’t have to do. You waste time. Everyone does. Take some of that wasted time and spend it with your spouse. Stop binging on Netflix, don’t sleep in on Saturday and maybe you should quit your adult softball or soccer league, so you can spend time as a couple together.

Here’s a common one: I have young kids and I can’t be away from them for more than 2 hours because one of them is nursing.

Great. You have 2 hours. Use it wisely. Take a long walk. Go out somewhere for coffee. Hit up McDonalds. Do something out of the house. Take your child with you and get dressed up and intentionally go somewhere instead of getting takeout because you didn’t feel like making dinner. When you were dating, you would drive 45 minutes to see your now spouse for 5 – 10 minutes, just to see them. Do that now. Instead of wasting two hours doing nothing productive, build into your marriage.

I don’t have money is the one I hear the most often.

The reality is, great date nights don’t have to be expensive, they just have to be intentional. Plan them. Do it at home. Put the kids down, put on a special playlist on spotify (I made several for our date nights to rotate through although Katie can’t tell the difference), turn off your phones and notifications and be together. Eat some fancy dessert (cheesecake factory to go!) and be together. The rule for us on date night is no electronics so we can focus on each other.

Great date nights don’t have to be expensive, they just have to be intentional.

I had a conversation after my sermon and a guy told me, “My marriage doesn’t need a date night.”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this and every time I shake my head.

Here’s what is true about every couple who has ever told me this. I mean every because I’ve heard it so many times. Ready?

They are all either divorced now or unhappy. Every couple. The ones who aren’t are putting on a front right now. Don’t believe me? Get them alone and ask them point blank how their marriage is and push hard on it.

Did this guy need date nights to get married? Yep.

What changed? Their expectations as to how great their relationship could be changed. Their desire for each other, their need for time together has not changed.

I remember reading a mom blog once and the blogger was talking about how her parents and grandparents didn’t have date nights when they were married and how they had good marriages in spite of that, so all the talk that her marriage and marriages today needed it was not necessary.

One thing to keep in mind with this, is the time. Is marriage in 2015 and parenting different than marriage in 1985? 1965? Yes and no. But before simply taking “my grandparents did this in 1955 so I can do the same thing” make sure it is apples to apples. Email, social media, netflix binging, kids school and sports, all of those things are different than in 1985.

A few years ago a woman told me the same thing after a sermon I did on marriage. She said afterward in her pushback how her marriage was great without time together. A few weeks after she told me this, I saw her and asked how she was doing. She almost started crying as she said, “My husband is so busy with work and school, we just don’t have time for each other.”

To me, that is just heartbreaking.

I don’t care what you call it, but if you aren’t intentionally building into your marriage each, someone or something else will.

But what about later in life? The couple who says, “We are pouring our lives into our kids and we’ll be together when they move out.” First, how do you know you’ll live that long? I have several friends right now, my age, with kids the same age as mine, with stage 3 or stage 4 cancer. Will that work for them?

In fact, more and more couples are getting divorced later in life because they spent all their lives pouring into their kids or their hobbies that when it is just them and their spouse, they realize they are roommates and there is no real reason to stay together because, the kids are gone.

Again, that is heartbreaking.

Don’t put off spending time with your spouse. You don’t if you’ll get that time later in life.

I realize this is a rant and kind of my soapbox, but to me, if you are going to be married, why wouldn’t you want it to be as great as it possibly could be?

Posted on Wednesday, February 26, 2014

11 Ways to Know You’ve Settled for a Mediocre Marriage

by jmreich

It is so sad when I meet a couple that is unhappy. Whether it is stress, finances, kids, in-laws or sin, too many couples simply settle for a mediocre marriage. They carry around this look that says, “I’m not happy, but this is as good as it will get.”

I’m sorry, but if I’m going to be in a relationship for the rest of my life, I want it to be better than a sigh followed by, “this is as good as it will get.”

11 ways to fix a mediocre marriage.

So, how do you know if you are in a mediocre marriage?

Here are 11 ways to know if you have a mediocre marriage or are on your way to one:

Your marriage and life revolve around your kids. I’ve written before about how to know if your kids are more important than your marriage, but if you can answer any of these, you are in trouble.
It’s been over a year since you read a book on marriage. The best way to grow in your marriage is to get around a couple who has a better marriage or read a book on it. You should read at least one book on marriage a year. It’s a great way to create conversation and push issues to the surface in your marriage.
Roles in marriage feel like a trap instead of freedom. Headship and submission are tricky things and controversial. They are meant to bring us freedom, not to be a trap. When they feel like a trap, there is sin under it. Whether in how it is playing out or how our heart feels about it.
You can’t remember the last date night you had. I can’t tell you how important date night is. It doesn’t have to be grand or expensive, but as a couple, you need to have at least one time a week where it is just the two of you (no phone, no tv, no computer, no kids) to talk about build into your relationship.
You have sex less than 2 times a week. I realize this isn’t a hard and fast rule. Pregnancy, health, age, travel, deployment, etc. all can get in the way of this. That being said, sex is a great barometer of your marriage. In every situation when I talk to a couple struggling in their marriage, sex is the first thing to go. It reveals past hurts, addictions, abuses, etc. Every study also says the same thing, a healthy marriage has a healthy sex life.
You nit pick at your spouse. I talked in more detail about this here, but disrespecting your spouse, making fun of them, being sarcastic is one of the fastest ways to move from a good marriage to mediocre to miserable or divorced.
You consistently talk about how much you love your spouse on Facebook. I’m sure you’ll disagree, but every time I read something incredibly awesome on Facebook, my first thought is, “That’s probably the exact opposite of the truth.” I can’t tell you how many times I have counseled a couple who seemed on the verge of divorce and the next day posted on Facebook, “I love my wife.” Or, “My husband is incredible.” The charade of Facebook reveals a lot.
When you are alone with your spouse, you have nothing to talk about. Whenever Katie and I go out to eat and see a couple just sitting there, our hearts break. That’s so sad. It means a couple has stopped growing. Yes silence is great sometimes and needed, but when it is a consistent pattern, that’s a mediocre marriage. You know if this is you.
There are things in your past your spouse does not know. Your spouse should know everything about you. That doesn’t mean you need to tell your spouse how many sexual partners you’ve had or how much porn you saw as a teenager. That isn’t helpful. They should know about addictions, hurts, abuse against you. No one on the planet should know more about you than your spouse.
You fantasize about being married to someone else. Our imaginations are powerful, our memories are powerful. Often, we will think back to high school or college and wonder where someone is or what life would have been like if we married someone else. When that happens, we disengage from our marriage.
A friend knows more about your marriage than your spouse does. Are you honest with your spouse? Do you talk about what bothers you or do you sweep it under the rug? Do you know how to fight well in your marriage? Do you talk more to a friend more than you do to your spouse about your marriage or kids? If so, well you get it by now.

How to know you’ve settled for a mediocre marriage.