All of us have watched families and relationships fall apart. Marriages fizzle out, friendships grow distant, and families stop talking to each other. Some of these are simply life situations (like when friends move), but others are things that could be avoided. The problem is that we usually see relational issues too late.
What if you could see ahead of time what could destroy a relationship? What if you could do certain things to ensure a relationship didn’t fall apart? The answer is, you can.
In Galatians 5, the apostle Paul gives us two lists, one that shows us what can destroy relationships and one that shows how to have the best relationships possible.
Before getting to the lists, I want you to think about one person or relationship. This could be your spouse, kids, grandkids, or in-laws. It might be a combination of a few relationships. Each relationship has its challenges, but as you think about this, remember you can only control your part of the relationship. You can only change yourself. You can’t change your spouse, kids, boss, or friend – only yourself.
Okay, with that in mind, let’s get to the list.
The first one is what can destroy our relationships found in Galatians 5:19 – 21: Now the works of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, moral impurity, promiscuity, idolatry, sorcery, hatreds, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambitions, dissensions, factions, envy, drunkenness, carousing, and anything similar. I am warning you about these things—as I warned you before—that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.
There’s a lot here.
Can you see what you might struggle with? What shows up in your most important relationships?
Each of us has something.
But think about your relationship; what could destroy it from this list? What do you need to be aware of? What do you need to be watching for? What things have you fallen into that you must confess or put guardrails around?
Dr. John Gottman is considered the expert on marriage and relationships. He says four things destroy our relationships and calls them The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Now, in our relationships, each of us has a go-to move. We might use all of them, but one of them is our favorite. And they back up what Paul says in Galatians 5.
You can’t change what you don’t name, and you can’t guard against something you don’t identify. So, knowing what can destroy your most important relationships is essential.
Then, Paul gives us another list. A list you have heard before if you have a church background. He tells us in verse 22: the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
Paul shows us the opposite of our default selves by giving us another list.
He calls this list the fruit of the Spirit. Notice it doesn’t say fruits. Meaning this should be true of every follower of Jesus. Before we apply these, notice that Paul doesn’t give us an out. We don’t get to say, “well, I’m just not a patient person.” Or “I’m argumentative; that’s how I communicate.” He says these should be evident in the life of every follower of Jesus.
Some of them may come naturally to you based on your personality. You might be a naturally patient or kind person. Gentleness or self-control may be easy for you.
By calling it a fruit, though, Paul is telling us something else about these things:
- Growth is gradual. Fruit doesn’t grow all at once. Being led by the Spirit is a gradual move in our life, but it is moving.
- Growth is inevitable. With suitable soil, fertilizer, and ingredients, change will happen.
But what do these look like in relationships?
Love: To serve another person, choosing to love them. Love is not a feeling that overwhelms you but a choice you make daily. It is the opposite of fear, self-protection, or abusing people. It also means to seek the best for the other person.
Joy: is the opposite of hopelessness or despair, not having mood swings based on circumstances. Not blind optimism, but not wallowing in self-pity and pessimism, and seeing the good in each situation you face.
Peace: Having confidence in God while life seems to crash on you. Peace replaces anxiety and worry, apathy, or not caring about something. This also means striving for contentment and unity in relationships.
Patience: To face trouble or anxiety, or stress without blowing up. Not having resentment or cynicism or not caring. In relationships, this can mean being slow to speak and slow to become angry.
Kindness: Serving others practically, being vulnerable, opening your life up to others and not being envious, being able to rejoice when someone else succeeds or celebrating their joy.
Goodness: Integrity, being the same person everywhere rather than being phony or a hypocrite, and saying things with kindness. Telling the truth in love while being loving, not just telling the truth.
Faithfulness: To be reliable and counted on. When you make a promise, you can take it to the bank; you don’t cheat or cheat on people. The people closest to you should be able to trust and believe you.
Gentleness: is softness, a caring that you have for those around you and those in need. Having humility in relationships and being calm. Men do not get to say, “I’m not gentle.”
Self-control: Not impulsive, able to control your emotions, actions, and desires. Having willpower over areas of your life, not being controlled by porn, feelings, drugs, alcohol, work, or anything else, striving to control your impulses.
Which of these come naturally for you? Which ones are a struggle that you need to grow in?
What would it look like if your marriage and most important relationships had these in them? Imagine if this list was true of your most important relationships and life.
