2 Things Every Pastor Must Do Before Preaching on Marriage

marriage

I recently finished a series on the Song of Solomon, and after talking to a number of pastors about it, many of them expressed a desire to not preach on marriage and relationships and sex. Let’s not forget the fear pastors have of talking about sex.

I think there are two things pastors must do if they are going to preach on marriage and relationships:

1. Get your marriage in order. I can’t overemphasize this. I realize if you are a regular reader of this blog you have heard this before, but this is so important. The longer you are a pastor at a church, the marriages of the church will resemble yours. If you want to preach on something, you must have something to share.

I know that working on your marriage is hard work; it is hard to make sure you are pouring time into your marriage. It is easy for a pastor to let his marriage fall apart because most people in your church have no idea if your marriage is going well. If your marriage is not what it should be, do some work on it so you have something to share when you preach on marriage.

2. Give your church the principles of marriage, not your marriage. Many times when a pastor preaches on marriage, he gives what he does based off the Bible and can give the impression that how the pastor does marriage is the only way to do it.

I get it. It is easy to say, “Based on Ephesians 5 or Titus 2 or 1 Peter 3, my wife and I do this,” and make it sound like the way you do it is the only way to do it. Is your way right? Yes. Is it the only way to do it? The only biblical way to do it? No. Take what the Bible says, the principles that it gives, and help your church apply those principles, not apply your marriage.

This is hard to do but incredibly helpful to your church. Your marriage is unique because of who you are and who your wife is. Keep that truth in mind when you preach on marriage.

Share the story of how you got to where you are, how you have applied the things in the Bible on marriage. Make sure you make those the hard gospel truths you preach, not what you do based on those.

Why Pastors Are Afraid to Preach on Marriage

preach on marriage

That may seem like a weird blog title, but I think pastors have some genuine fear about preaching on marriage and relationships.

In the past few weeks as I have talked with pastors about our series through the Song of Solomon, many of them have expressed how they would never preach through that book. In fact, I looked at the websites of churches who “preach through books of the Bible verse-by-verse,” and the Song of Solomon is one of the books most pastors skip.

I’ve already detailed why a pastor should preach on marriage, relationships and singleness on a yearly basis, but why don’t they?

Here are a few reasons:

1. Their marriage isn’t what it should be. I think this is the reason pastors don’t talk about marriage, relationships and sex in their sermons. Their marriage is falling apart. They aren’t happy, their wife is miserable, maybe they are having an affair, are addicted to porn. In short, if they preach on marriage they would be a hypocrite. Honestly, I’ve had a number of pastors tell me this is the reason they don’t preach on marriage, and every time I hear it, my heart breaks. Not only for their church and what they are missing, but also for the pastor and his wife.

They are stuck, and they don’t know what to do. They are sad, heartbroken, miserable, angry with each other, fighting off bitterness, maybe considering a divorce (but they don’t know how to support themselves if they get divorced). They may even be considering cheating on their spouse.

If this is you, you shouldn’t preach on marriage, but you also need to not walk through this alone. You need to take a break from ministry, involve your elders, see a Christian counselor. Something. Anything to work on your marriage to get it on the track it needs to be.

2. Marriage, being single, divorce are all private matters, and many pastors fear private matters. Many pastors, believe it or not, are fearful of diving into the personal matters of your life. Money and sex are topics pastors are afraid to talk about, often because they think their church doesn’t want to hear about those things. Honestly, what the Bible says about these two topics is probably something everyone in your church wants to know.

It is difficult to wade into the waters of porn and sexual addiction, divorce, unhappy marriages, and brokenness. It is uncomfortable and not very fun. But as a pastor, that is where your people live and need your help.

3. They don’t want to exclude anyone. This is a real reason why many pastors don’t preach on marriage and relationships, and I understand it. It is hard when you talk about roles in marriage knowing that a single person is sitting there who finds this completely irrelevant, or a divorced person who begins feeling guilty about their failure. It is hard to talk about being single and purity as your married couples sit there and think, “What does this have to do with me?”

Those are all true.

At the same time, part of teaching your church is helping them understand that just because something doesn’t feel relevant doesn’t mean that it isn’t relevant. I need to know the struggles of someone who is single or dating so I can be a good friend to my single and dating friends. The same goes with divorce and marriage. If you are single, you may be married one day, and it is great if you can learn a thing or two now before getting there.

4. Pastors don’t want to deal with the pain that comes with it. The moment you start talking about marriage, relationships, divorce, dating and sexuality, you are about to open a can of worms that you may not want to in your church. You will find yourself wading into abuse, anger, bitterness, addictions, hurts and family of origin issues that often feel like a web that will never untangle. I had a pastor tell me he doesn’t preach on these topics because he doesn’t want to deal with those hurts in the lives of his people.

Yet this is the exact spot most of the hurt in your church resides, these topics. These are the fights that couples are having, this loneliness is why singles hurt so much at night and why they fall into arms they shouldn’t and pull up websites they shouldn’t. This hurt and disillusionment is why wives get bitter and why husbands aren’t servants to their wives.

5. Pastors don’t want angry emails. As someone who preaches on these topics regularly, and having preached the Song of Solomon twice in the seven years Revolution has existed, I can tell you that marriage, divorce, dating, sexual addictions, porn and sex are fast ways to get angry emails.

Just tell a wife that the word submission is in the Bible. Talk about sex and see what happens. We challenged married couples to do something sexual everyday for 30 days. Some people loved that, others didn’t. I heard from both. I had people tell me the Song of Solomon shouldn’t be in the Bible, that it really isn’t about sex but about God’s love for us. If you have read through the Song of Solomon, it’s kind of awkward; it’s like being a voyeur to someone’s sexual life. It’s descriptive, clear, intimate and inspired by the Holy Spirit just like John and Romans are.

If you preach on these topics, don’t go into them blindly. You will make people angry. Some is to be expected. When you talk about forgiving someone who abused you or your ex-husband, expect some anger and hurt. This is natural and okay. This is an opportunity for you to disciple someone to be more like Jesus. Will that be easy? No. Will it be worth it? Yes.

10 Questions You Should Ask Your Spouse Regularly

married couple

One of the things many married couples fail to do is have regular check-in’s to ask “how are we doing?”

The reasons are obvious: life is busy; your kids, job, church, hobbies all keep you running at an insane pace. You want to believe you are being a great spouse or at a minimum, you are doing good. Sometimes though, having a check-in conversation means you will have a larger conversation that could turn into a fight and who wants that. Another reason is we don’t want to hear if we are failing and not meeting our spouse’s needs. We’d rather live in the world of bliss as if it is all okay.

The reality in life though, if you don’t ever have a check-in, evaluation if you will, you will never know if you are doing well. Life becomes a shot in the dark, a blind hope that you are doing well.

Let’s be honest for a minute, if you are married you want your marriage to be as great as possible. I am stunned when I tell couples these questions the look of fear or resignation they have. They are scary, but you want to have the best marriage possible. Right? Right.

In light of that, here are some questions I think you should ask your spouse on a regular basis:

1. Are you satisfied?

Right off the bat, this question can lead to some intense conversations, but that’s okay. You are both adults, you signed up for this. Ask them if they are satisfied, happy. Are you? If not, how can you move towards that. As your spouse answers, don’t fight, don’t argue, simply listen until they are done and then respond “what I hear you saying is…” Don’t get defensive.

2. Can I wear something or stop wearing something to be more attractive?

While this sounds like a question only men care about, it isn’t. I once had a sleeveless Adidas shirt that I loved but Katie thought was the most disgusting thing on the planet. She finally just threw it away. But ask this. Be willing to include every article of clothing for both of you. Strive to be attractive to your spouse. If they don’t like a shirt, a color, a pair of underwear, get rid of it. Speaking of underwear, a good rule of thumb is to clean out your underwear drawer on a yearly basis.

3. What do you like sexually?

I am stunned at how little spouses know about what their spouse likes sexually. We think we know, but especially men are clueless. So are you next date night, while you’re laying in bed, ask your spouse what they like and don’t like sexually. Don’t get defensive. And then when they tell you, maybe try it out.

4. How can I make your life easier? Less stressful?

I wish I could take credit for being a genius of thinking of this question, but I can’t. Katie thought of it. But it was eye opening. Recently at our RevCommunities someone asked about cleaning up the kitchen and Katie said, “Josh will take care of it, he does that every night.” Stunned silence and jaws hit the floor. Then Katie explained this question. Her answer was, “If I could clean up the kitchen each night, load the dishwasher, get coffee ready for her, that would make her life easier when she woke up.” Often, we do things we think will make our spouse’s life easier or less stressful, but it doesn’t. So ask. Wouldn’t you like to do what your spouse would like done instead of guessing?

5. Is there something you wish we did together?

This is a great relational question. Men like to do things together recreationally, that’s a high emotional need for men. It might be watching football together, working out together, gardening, whatever. But doing things together builds into your relationship.

6. How can I help you right now?

This is similar to #4 but gets at something immediate. You may have young kids and you can help with bedtime or the morning routine. Maybe one of you is in school and could use help. Again, don’t get defensive if you think you are doing this, but this is a great way to serve your spouse.

7. How can I help you get better? At what?

As your kids age and your life changes, this is a great question to ask. This helps you to keep growing and moving forward. One of the things I do on a regular basis is buy Katie books to help her keep growing as a woman spiritually.

8. What is the one thing our family should concentrate on in the next 3 – 6 months?

I love this question because it keeps you as a couple on the same page and moving in the same direction. This goal might be getting out of debt, losing weight, finishing a class, buying a house, starting a business, slowing down. But it helps if you both know and agree on what is the most important thing for your family right now, for the next year.

9. What is the next step for us? For our family?

This is a looking ahead question and is incredibly helpful so you can see around corners as a couple. Is school about to start? Are you about to pay off a credit card? What’s next? Is someone about to change a job? While you both know what is coming, we miss opportunities to talk about what will change because of that and how to best be prepared.

10. What do we need to cut out of our lives right now to live at a sustainable pace?

I think you as a couple should pull out your calendars each week and talk about what is coming up. You should also look at the next month(s) and ask “is this sustainable?” Should we slow down? Cut something out?” Too often, we simply keep running and wonder why we’re so tired without changing anything.

While not exhaustive, this is a good start. In fact, as your family grows, you get older, kids move out and life changes with new jobs or jobs being quit, you should pull this list out and revisit them as the answers sometimes change.

Lies we Believe About Marriage

marriage

Marriages are strong and marriages need work for all kinds of reasons. Sadly, few marriages got the distance and even fewer are happy. A lot of that has to do with expectations of marriage (before and during) but many of the issues in marriage stem from lies we believe about marriage.

Lie #1: My spouse will complete me. This is one we are fed from the time we start to notice the opposite sex. It is in movies, books, articles and deep down, we hope that we will find someone that will meet all our needs, be everything we want, but the reality is, no one can do that. It is not possible for someone to meet all your emotional, spiritual, and relational needs. There will always be a gap and this is why our spouse’s inability to meet all our needs points us to Jesus. On the flip side of this, we can’t meet our spouse’s every need, so we can’t save our spouse (as many try to). We can’t change them, we can encourage them, but we can’t make them do something, although many try.

Lie #2: My happiness is my top priority. From our earliest age, many people are taught that they can win at everything, do whatever they want, get a trophy for showing up, so life becomes about my happiness and what I can get. This isn’t reality. This becomes a litmus test for how we feel about our marriage. In fact, the moment that we are unhappy we assume something is wrong. Something might be wrong but you might also be married. Marriage doesn’t always bring happiness but it does bring joy, which is very different but more important because joy is long lasting and not fleeting.

Lie #3: There is only one right person for me to marry. This is born in fairy tales that somehow there is one person on the planet for you to marry and if you marry the wrong person the entire axis of the universe will be thrown off. Few people say this, but many people subtlety believe it before and after they get married. They put enormous pressure on “finding God’s perfect person for them” that they are paralyzed from experiencing community and relationships. After they get married, couples struggle when hard times hit and they wonder if they married the wrong person. First off, how arrogant do you have to be to think you could marry the wrong person and start a cosmic destruction? This also gets into figuring out God’s will (which is another post but I think we put too much pressure “God’s perfect will” for our lives). Let me say, there are so many things you can do for God that instead of sitting around wondering if it is God’s perfect will, you should just start doing something.

Lie #4: What I do on my own time won’t affect my marriage. This gets at the selfishness many people feel in their lives. The idea that once you get married, you still stay a single person, you just happened to be married now. This is why many couples keep separate bank accounts, their own calendars and “do their own thing.” The reality around separate bank accounts is that you are always keeping one foot out the door, not letting go of some trust issue in your past. And, if you don’t trust your spouse to share a bank account, there is a deeper issue that needs work, the bank account isn’t the issue. The reality is, how you spend your time, money, how you think about yourself, whether you protect yourself to stay pure in your marriage has an enormous impact on your marriage.

Lie #5: A great marriage doesn’t take work. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this after a sermon or counseling a couple and every time it is heart breaking. Often, we look at couples who are happy, handling the ups and downs of life well and wonder how they did it. Like seeing the success of Steve Jobs without any of the struggles. Idealizing marriage can be like that. It takes work. It is hard. In fact, I would say there is not a great marriage on the planet that was not filled with seasons of difficulties.

Lie #6: My past has no impact on my marriage. This is one I encounter a lot in premarital counseling. The thinking that your past relationships, porn addiction in college, the father issues you have not dealt with yet, the divorce your parents went through or you went through; that those things will have no bearing or minimal impact on your present and future marriage. Not true. All those things have an enormous impact on how you see yourself and your spouse. If you are a woman and all your life men have broken promises and used you, that is exactly what you will expect your husband to do. If you grow up and are abused and see sex as something dirty or something that is a way to live out selfishness instead of a place to give and serve your spouse, that will have an enormous impact. Lastly, most of what people do in a marriage is either a reaction against what their parents did or what they saw their parents do. It is what we know, so until we see that, see it for what it is, evaluate if that is healthy and then deal with it, we will continue the cycle of the past.

Lie #7: You can’t choose who you love. Typically when someone tells me this lie they have already sinned or are about to. It is often used to excuse why they are getting divorced or committing adultery. Yet, when we take this lie to its fullest extent, we would never want someone to love us this way. We wouldn’t want our spouse, kids or Jesus to show us love only when they feel like it. Yet, for many couples this is how they live their married life. The reality, the truth is that many days you will wake up in marriage and have to choose to love your spouse because they will not be lovely, they will not be easy to love, there will be a big piece of you that does not want to love them because you want to be selfish, you want them to stop doing something or at the very least, you want life to be easier. But love is a choice followed by an emotion.

While there are many more, these are just a few I’ve encountered that bring a lot of hurt and damage.

How to Make Time for Your Spouse

time

Recently in a sermon I said that every couple should have a weekly date night. I also blogged about why every couple should have a yearly getaway.

As usual, the pushback I got was expected and normal.

Things like: we don’t have time, we don’t have money, we spend time when we can (when time magically appears one guy told me), we have kids so that isn’t possible, we don’t know what to do, date nights aren’t that important, we’ll get away someday or my favorite: my marriage doesn’t need date nights.

My response: you don’t have time not to. You don’t have time to not make spending intentional time together as a couple not happen. It is that important.

Let’s take a step back to when you were dating.

You spent all kinds of time together. You would sit on the couch and just be together, you would leave notes for each other, you would take walks together, you would watch movies and eat ice cream. Now, which of those cost more than $10?

None of them.

Yet, the older we get and the longer we’re married, we make all kinds of reasons (and excuses) as to why we don’t we spend intentional time together.

That’s the key word: intentional.

I don’t care if you call it date night, a weekly meeting or the 2 hours I spend with my spouse each week.

But if you don’t spend time building into your relationship, something or someone else will.

A common thing I hear is: who has the time for that? Between sports, bed time, work, school, hobbies, the list goes on and on. Again, it doesn’t have to be a lot, it needs to be intentional. I know a couple who walks together 30 minutes each day to build into their relationship. Katie and I used to spend an hour each night talking before bed. I would sit on a chair (we bought a chair that we put right next to the bed so I could sit up and not fall asleep, I’m not kidding) and we would talk to end our day.

The question you have to ask: what is getting my time that should be going to my spouse? All of the things you do, you don’t have to do. You waste time. Everyone does. Take some of that wasted time and spend it with your spouse. Stop binging on Netflix, don’t sleep in on Saturday and maybe you should quit your adult softball or soccer league, so you can spend time as a couple together.

Here’s a common one: I have young kids and I can’t be away from them for more than 2 hours because one of them is nursing.

Great. You have 2 hours. Use it wisely. Take a long walk. Go out somewhere for coffee. Hit up McDonalds. Do something out of the house. Take your child with you and get dressed up and intentionally go somewhere instead of getting takeout because you didn’t feel like making dinner. When you were dating, you would drive 45 minutes to see your now spouse for 5 – 10 minutes, just to see them. Do that now. Instead of wasting two hours doing nothing productive, build into your marriage.

I don’t have money is the one I hear the most often.

The reality is, great date nights don’t have to be expensive, they just have to be intentional. Plan them. Do it at home. Put the kids down, put on a special playlist on spotify (I made several for our date nights to rotate through although Katie can’t tell the difference), turn off your phones and notifications and be together. Eat some fancy dessert (cheesecake factory to go!) and be together. The rule for us on date night is no electronics so we can focus on each other.

I had a conversation after my sermon and a guy told me, “My marriage doesn’t need a date night.”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this and every time I shake my head.

Here’s what is true about every couple who has ever told me this. I mean every because I’ve heard it so many times. Ready?

They are all either divorced now or unhappy. Every couple. The ones who aren’t are putting on a front right now. Don’t believe me? Get them alone and ask them point blank how their marriage is and push hard on it.

Did this guy need date nights to get married? Yep.

What changed? Their expectations as to how great their relationship could be changed. Their desire for each other, their need for time together has not changed.

I remember reading a mom blog once and the blogger was talking about how her parents and grandparents didn’t have date nights when they were married and how they had good marriages in spite of that, so all the talk that her marriage and marriages today needed it was not necessary.

One thing to keep in mind with this, is the time. Is marriage in 2015 and parenting different than marriage in 1985? 1965? Yes and no. But before simply taking “my grandparents did this in 1955 so I can do the same thing” make sure it is apples to apples. Email, social media, netflix binging, kids school and sports, all of those things are different than in 1985.

A few years ago a woman told me the same thing after a sermon I did on marriage. She said afterward in her pushback how her marriage was great without time together. A few weeks after she told me this, I saw her and asked how she was doing. She almost started crying as she said, “My husband is so busy with work and school, we just don’t have time for each other.”

To me, that is just heartbreaking.

I don’t care what you call it, but if you aren’t intentionally building into your marriage each, someone or something else will.

But what about later in life? The couple who says, “We are pouring our lives into our kids and we’ll be together when they move out.” First, how do you know you’ll live that long? I have several friends right now, my age, with kids the same age as mine, with stage 3 or stage 4 cancer. Will that work for them?

In fact, more and more couples are getting divorced later in life because they spent all their lives pouring into their kids or their hobbies that when it is just them and their spouse, they realize they are roommates and there is no real reason to stay together because, the kids are gone.

Again, that is heartbreaking.

I realize this is a rant and kind of my soapbox, but to me, if you are going to be married, why wouldn’t you want it to be as great as it possibly could be?