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Being a Pastor’s Wife: What Role a Pastor’s Wife Plays in the Church

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Many churches (and pastors for that matter) do not know what to do with pastor’s wives, how to treat them, what role they play or how important they are. It is a hard role to live in and stay in. Everyone has a lot of their own expectations of what the wife of a pastor should be like, yet, they are all different.

While Revolution (and myself) has struggled just like every other church to figure this out, I believe Katie and I have figured some things out that we have put into place which will prove to be invaluable in the future. While this is not exclusive to pastors, any leader in a church and for that matter, any husband can do better in understanding their wives and how to engage them.

Over the next month, I’ll be sharing some of the things we’ve learned that I hope will be beneficial for you.

If you missed them, you can read Pastor Your Wife as Much as You Pastor Your Church and Without Her, You Fall Apart.

The other thing that too many churches do with pastor’s wives is not being sure what to do with them or how they should serve or be involved. Many churches see them as free labor. He’s here, she came with him, why not put her to work, for free. She leads the music, plays the piano, leads the kids ministry and the women’s ministry. Why? Why not.

What makes being a pastor’s wife difficult is that nowhere in scripture is there a job description. The only job description people know of for a pastors’ wife is what they saw their last pastor’s wife do. If she did it, they assume every pastor’s wife does that. The problem is that every pastor’s wife is not musical, many of them do not have upfront personalities, or have a teaching gift or have a passion for children or a women’s ministry.

One reason it is so hard to be a pastor’s wife.

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A pastor’s wife needs to be treated like the rest of the women in the church. She needs to be encouraged to find her spiritual gift and use them. Whatever that may be. And, like every other woman in the church, her first responsibility it to care for her husband and children. That is her first ministry according to Titus 2. This is something churches can get better at as well. We need to encourage and hold up the important role women play when it comes to their role as a wife and a mom. Yes, women are not just that, but we have lowered those roles so much in our culture that it is seen as a step down if that is your role. By fulfilling this role, a woman is making the biggest impact on the world because of the impact she is making on her family (particularly, her kids).

Sorry, that was a tangent.

Once, I had a conversation with a woman at Revolution and she told me all the things her pastor’s wife had done. She had recently moved to Tucson. Her problem was that Katie didn’t do these things. What she failed to recognize was that Katie was 28 and her previous pastor’s wife was 44, with only a high school senior still at home. Katie had 3 kids under 4 at home.

While, this does not give a pastor’s wife an excuse to be lazy and say, “I have 2 young kids at home so I can’t volunteer anywhere in the church.” If someone else said that in a church, we would give pushback because we are all called to serve somewhere in some capacity in the body of Christ. She does need to be selective with her time.

Every family finds themselves in different seasons. Some are busier than others. A pastor’s wife needs to be aware of the season she is in, the season her family is in and the church needs to be okay with that and respect that. As they do with the other women in the church.

Pastors, does your church see your wife as free labor, or do they treat her like other women in the church and encourage her to find a spot to serve? You need to not treat her as an employee, she is a member of your church, just like everybody else who is a member. Have you helped her discover her gifts and what she is passionate about? In case you haven’t figured it out, this might change as she grows older, which makes it fun. You get to discover something new with her, and then discover something else with her as her season in life changes.

Churches, do you treat your pastors wife with respect, but also like other women in the church? She is going through the same things all the women in the church are going through, she just gets to go through it in a more public way.

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3 Reasons You Won’t Slow Down

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Psalm 46:10 is an often quoted verse. It says, Be still and know that I am God. It’s on coffee mugs, posters, greeting cards. It is an invitation to experience God, to rest, slow down.

It is also an invitation that I and many others reject on a daily basis.

Our rejection of this invitation is interesting because of how tired most Americans are, how worn out we are, how run down we are from living life. You would think, the invitation from God for us to be still and know that He is God would be a welcome invitation.

But we reject it.

First off, to be still and know that He is God means I need to admit that I am not God. I have to admit there are things outside of my control. Things I can’t do. Things I can’t handle. There are people and situations I cannot control. This is not a facade many of us are willing to give up any time soon. We know we aren’t in control, but we are content to live with the idea that we might be.

Second, for me to be still means I am going to have to stop. Which means, slowing down, stopping things, resting. The reason most Americans don’t Sabbath and rest isn’t because we don’t know how to or aren’t very good at it. We don’t rest and slow down because we don’t want to. As long as we are busy, we don’t have to think about what is broken in our lives. We don’t have to think about that situation from 10 years ago we are trying to forget that we have never dealt with. Being still often means facing our sin. Being still gives God the opportunity to speak to us. As long as we are moving, we are able to drown Him out and not think about those broken places in our lives.

Third, is the crucial word know. Most of the time, when we talk about faith in God or a lack of faith, it all has to do with our feelings. We talk about not feeling in love as a reason for divorce. We don’t feel God’s love, so it must not be real is a comment I’ve heard countless times. But, Psalm 46 tells us to know that He is God. Not feel. Feelings are fleeting and easy to dismiss. Knowing means I must slow down to ask, “What do I know about God? Looking at the world around me, what does that say about God? How have I seen God be faithful to redeem other things in my life, why not this thing I won’t give up?”

Rest is an acknowledgement that God is God while you stop.

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We don’t slow down, not because we can’t or don’t have time. We don’t stop because deep down, we want to be God. We don’t want God to speak to us about those broken places in our lives, we’d like to keep being the victim in that situation instead of facing it and having him redeem it.

But the invitation still stands, by accepting it, we find rest. We find life. We find a place where we can let go of worries, hurt, frustrations and be with God. Exactly what we need.

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3 Things Habakkuk Teaches Us While we Wait on God

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At some point in your life, you will find yourself waiting on God.

It might be a prayer that is seemingly unanswered. A request for healing, physically or emotionally. It might be a request for guidance or direction for God, a look into an open door that never comes. It might be asking God to change someone or a situation, only to find that it stays the same for years.

The waiting is brutal at times.

Yet, most of our life is spent in the waiting.

Most of our life is spent asking God to deliver us, rescue us, change us.

The waiting can be wasted if we aren’t careful and we find ourselves back waiting again without learning the lessons or seeing the insights we were supposed to see.

Is there a point?

Yes.

Three things happen while we wait on God:

  1. We are reminded we are not God and that we are not in control. Instinctively we know this. Even the people who don’t believe in God know they aren’t God, yet we live with the illusion of control in so many areas of our lives. Thinking we can move people like chess pieces, simply toying with emotions, trying to change someone, manipulate a situation to our liking. When we do this, our heart hardens and we keep God at arms length. While we do this, God sees our pride and moves in the life of others. He will move in our life, but it will not be the way we would like. If you are like me, you don’t like to be reminded that you are not in control. Even if you know you aren’t, you will do everything in your power to keep the smallest shred of control to feel comfort. This again keeps God at arms length and our pride pushes him out.
  2. We are reminded of our need for God. In the waiting we are reminded of our great need for God. If you see your brokenness, you know that you need God. Yet, there are many times that we don’t like to be reminded of our need. This goes with the first one, but many times we like to act like we can save ourselves, save our kids or our spouse, that we can make things right in a relationship, make things right with God. This negates the cross and says, “Jesus I don’t need your sacrifice, I got this.”
  3. We are reminded of where hope is found. In the end, the waiting shows us where our hope is found. Often, the waiting is keeping us from where we want to be, where we believe God wants us to be, the place that will finally bring us everything we have hoped for. A child, a marriage, a job, a degree, a scholarship, a friend, a parent who says, ‘I love you’, the completion of an adoption, a larger church, a home business, getting out of debt. Notice, none of those things are wrong, yet we place so much value on them, that without them we think we aren’t worth anything, we aren’t good enough or important enough. The wait shows us that “thing” while precious, amazing and a longing of our heart is really not where our hope is found. It is good, yes. But not the best, not the greatest hope of Jesus.
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How a Wife Flourishes

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The idea of roles in marriage is filled with land mines. Many people have misused and misinterpreted the beautiful verses in the Bible to make them say what they want to. Few people have actually seen healthy couples live out roles well and often have incorrect views of Biblical roles. We have visions of quiet wives who say nothing, men who dominate and abuse their families all based on Ephesians 5, completely missing the point of this passage.

In thinking about how a husband helps his wife flourish and become all that God has called her to be, here are 5 ways men often fail and how to work against these problems to create the picture described in Ephesians 5:

  1. Spiritually apathetic. This husband completely abdicates his role as the spiritual leader of his family. He often will not go to church with his wife and kids and if he does, he is very passive. Not getting involved, not praying with his wife or kids, not praying at dinner, not guiding his kids spiritually, not asking questions, not reading the Scripture to them. He lets that up to the church or his wife.
  2. Workaholic. This husband sees being a husband simply as providing for the needs of his family. While that is part of being a husband, there is more to it than making money so there is a roof over their head, clothes on their back and food on the table. This type of man is disconnected from the family in some very important ways.
  3. Dictator. This husband uses his role as a way to control and get his way, all the time. It doesn’t matter how he gets his way and it doesn’t matter what happens because he has gotten his way. He just wants his way. Often, he will use Bible verses to get it. This husband will treat his wife and kids as slaves and orders them around. Often, this will lead to physical abuse, which is nowhere near what Paul had in mind in Ephesians 5 when he called men to be the head of their house.
  4. Emotionally detached. This is the husband who is the head of the family in name only. He has nothing to do with his wife, kids. He does not lead them in any form. He simply sits by, dictating when he doesn’t like something, letting his wife take on his role and responsibility and basically do everything he is supposed to do. Emotionally, he does not know how to relate to his and kids. He does not know how to connect to his family, he is distant.
  5. Irresponsible. This is the husband who buys things without consulting his wife, makes decisions on his own and generally puts his family in financial, relational, physical and emotional danger because “He is the head of the house.” This husband sees leadership as a club to get to do what he wants.
5 ways a husband keeps his wife from flourishing & enjoying life (what to do about it).

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If you are married and curious to know how your marriage is in this area, here is a simple question to ask: is the wife flourishing?

When a man fulfills the role God has called him to in marriage, his wife will flourish. She will have room to grow, there will be grace for her to deal with past hurts in her life, she will be able to use her gifts to bless her family and the world around her, she will have freedom to be who God has called her to be.

I often tell our church: Husbands should create an umbrella under which a woman is protected to become the woman God has called her to be. 

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When You Want Vindication

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At some point, all of us have been hurt to the point that we want to retaliate or at the very least, make the other person feel something close to what we feel.

I remember when I was 25 and I was leaving the staff of a church in Maryland. I was young, I was hurt. I felt betrayed and I wanted other people to know it. I wanted people around me to know why I was hurt, I wanted them to feel my pain with them, but I also wanted the who hurt me to get a little bit of what I was feeling.

Then a friend pulled me aside and said to me, “Josh, whenever you tell someone what happened and why you are leaving this staff team, when you go to give them details and talk about your feelings, you need to ask yourself a simple question: why do I want this person to know?”

Honestly, I was angry with him.

I didn’t want to ask that.

The reason I wanted someone to know my feelings was because I wanted them to validate my hurt, join my side, help me push the agenda of injustice I felt or maybe even leave the church I was leaving so the leadership could feel some pain.

I would’ve said that I wanted a friend to hear me out or wanted someone to challenge my sin in the situation, but none of that was actually true.

I wanted vindication and retaliation.

This question, has now caused me to stop when I get ready to share something that happened. It gives me pause to ask what I will gain from sharing something.

There’s something else about this question. Until the motives are pure for sharing something, I have sin in my heart. 

Meaning, until I stop trying to get people onto my side of an issue, I’m sinning by trying to win or control something or I care too much about what someone else thinks.

This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t share things, but it means you need to ask why beforehand.

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Stop Pushing. Start Relying.

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I love control.

There I said it.

If you know me well, that isn’t a surprise.

My love for control often pushes me to push others. Push in my own life. Push people to work harder or be better or look better so that I can win and look good.

It isn’t because I care about what others think of me. It is because I like the feeling of control (at least the mirage of it) and winning.

There’s a problem with this. It actually keeps me from experiencing life in God and the freedom that comes from trusting Him.

Two things have proven helpful to me in this area and maybe will be something that is helpful to you.

One, praying about it. I know this seems obvious, but if we are going to rely on God’s power over something, we need to talk to Him about it. This allows us to ask Him for help and power in the areas of our lives that need it. If this is a struggle for you, I’d encourage you to bring that struggle to God. Ask Him for help in the area of your life where you need His power and direction. Give it over to Him. While He is in control and nothing happens without His direction or permission, this is about us confessing our need for Him, reminding ourselves that we will stop controlling something and let go of the wheel. This is about our hearts.

Two, get a trusted friend to walk with you and remind you of the lack of power you have in this area of your life. This is someone who can call you when you need it, challenge you when you need it and help you to let go of things in your life that only God can do and change.

This is truly the way to lasting change and the way to living the life God has called you to live. 

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Waiting on God

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I’m so, so excited about our next series at Revolution Church called Waiting on God as we go through the book of Habakkuk. We were not planning to do this book next and made a last minute change last week and I think it has the potential to be incredibly powerful 5 weeks as we look at why God allows bad things to happen, what do we do when God doesn’t seem to answer our prayers or is silent and how to deal with hurt, pain and abuses in our lives.

August 17: Trusting God in Your Pain (Habakkuk 1:1 – 11)
August 24: What to do While You Wait (Habakkuk 1:12 – 2:5)
August 31: God’s Power Over our Pain & Hurt (Habakkuk 2:6 – 20)
September 7: How to Have Faith While You Wait (Habakkuk 3:1 – 15)
September 14: The Wait Does End (Habakkuk 3:16 – 19)

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The Squeaky Wheel

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Pastors, you know this conversation because you’ve had it a million times. “Our church needs to have ____. Our church needs to do _____. If we had ____ more people would find Jesus.” That blank could be more classes, more groups, men’s ministry, women’s ministry, a quilting group, louder music, quieter music, more services, more kids stuff.

Here’s the problem when someone says your church should do something.

They have no idea what they want. 

Carmine Gallo said, “People don’t know what they want and, if they do, they have a hard time articulating what they truly desire.”

This is why leadership is so crucial in a church.

You can’t lead based off what people say they want or what people think they want.

Often, we don’t know the very thing that would help us get out of our predicament. We can see that to be true in our lives.

Leadership then, is the ability to move people to where they need to be, not always where they want to be.

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Why People Attend Church

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There is power in identity. When we create the right kind of identity, we can say things to the world around us that they don’t actually believe makes sense. We can get them to do things that they don’t think they can do. -Carmine Gallo, Talk Like TED: The 9 Public-Speaking Secrets of the World’s Top Minds

Wrapped up in this quote is a key to preaching the works: helping people see the possibilities of a sermon on their future. 

Many sermons seem to miss this component, helping people imagine the changes that would come to their life if a change was made.

Think for a minute, what if someone began reading their bible? What if someone actually let go of a past hurt and forgave someone? What if a married couple began investing in their relationship as much as they do a hobby or their kids? What if someone actually began to see the impact of seeing God as father would make in their life?

Often, sermons tend to stay in the intellectual side of things or we focus on getting to the emotions (possibly manipulating them).

What about motivation?

I know many can cringe at this because it makes them feel like a salesman, pushy, or that they are simply being a motivational speaker who is creating rah-rah cheers in their church.

This question gets at something every pastor should answer before they get up to preach: why should anybody care about what I’m about to say?

The answer is not because it is in the Bible, most of our culture does not care what is in the Bible. The answer is not because it is true, most people in our culture do not believe the Bible is truer than some other book.

It gets at why most people show up at church on a given week.

Hope. 

Most people walk through doors of a church looking for hope.

They might be lost, they might be aimless, they may have tried other things, they may be at the end of their rope or halfway to the end.

But they are looking for hope, for possibilities.

A sermon, through the power of the gospel should show them that hope.

This is one thing I say almost every week as we get ready to take communion. We are reminded in communion that when Jesus walked out of the tomb, we have hope. Hope that one day all the wrongs of our world will be righted. Hope that we can conquer all things through the power of Jesus. Hope that we can live the life God has called us.

Hope.

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The Tension of Leadership

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Leaders and pastors live with a tension that everyone experiences in life, but is different on an organizational level.

It is the tension of the in between. Leaders lead and live in the now of the organization, but also with what could be, their vision for the future and where things are going or where they’d like them to be.

A leader has one foot in the future and one foot in the present, which creates enormous tension.

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This is hard.

A leader knows what is coming, the changes that are going to be made, the momentum that can be had because of those steps, but often has to wait. It might be waiting on a new hire, waiting for things to settle down at a church or for the summer season to end so you can get started.

As a leader, right now you are stuck with this tension. And it won’t go away. It will simply shift to something new. Six months from now, you will be waiting on something different to happen.

Here are 5 ways to survive this tension:

    1. Enjoy where you are. This is hard for leaders because we are wired to keep moving, but you are in a certain season. Your church is a certain size, enjoy it. I’ve enjoyed all the sizes of Revolution for different reasons and sometimes have looked back on how easy something was when we were smaller. But I didn’t enjoy it like I could.
    2. Make sure things are in place for what is next. Many pastors by nature are not strong planners. They often fly by their seat, spend a lot of time focused on people and find themselves behind the curve on something. This is why it is so important to make time to work on your church, not just in it. If you are growing, do you have enough groups for people? Are you prepared to add classes for kids? What about parking spaces?
    3. Start looking past what is next. At some point, you need to start preparing for what comes after what is next. Meaning, you just grew your church plant to 100 and people and are on your way to 200, you need to begin thinking about what your church will be like at 400. Why? There’s a good chance you will do something at 200 to keep you from growing to 400.
    4. Listen to the fears that people have. As you are making plans and getting key leaders on board for what is next, you will run into someone who is not excited about what is next and may even hold you back. This person is not the enemy, although you will think they are. They may be crucial to slowing you down (which might be good), they might be God’s way of helping you grow as a leader, you might be God’s way of helping them grow through their fears, or they may be divisive and need to move on. Each person and situation is different, but don’t disregard someone who is not as excited as you are about what is next. You should always be more excited than everyone else, you’re the leader.
    5. Plan for what is next. All growth means change. If your church gets larger, changes are coming. You will hand things off to people, leaders that worked well in a church of 100 won’t be the leaders you need at 200. Your schedule will be busier, which will make sermon prep, meeting with people and strategizing harder because you will need to plan better. Everything is different at each stage of your church. Many leaders blindly walk into the next season, get busier and burn out because they haven’t planned for what is next.
5 ways to handle tension as a leader.

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