Posted on Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Why Pastors Think about Quitting

by Joshua Reich

I heard at a conference recently that 2 out of 3 pastors are thinking about quitting. While many statistics often feel made up, I can say that as a pastor, this stat rings true.

Pastors know this.

Many people in their churches do not.

There are a few reasons why pastors think about quitting:

1. Ministry is hard work. Every job is hard. Whether you are a pastor or an electrician or an engineer or a barista. Life and work is hard. Ministry is no different. You can’t be naive about this. Too many pastors have rose colored glasses about putting out a church sign and just expecting people to show up and the people who show up will be bought in, not messy and without difficulty. Yet, the leader and the people who walk through the door are sinners.

Handling your energy is a stewardship issue.

2. They aren’t sleeping or eating well. There is a direct connection between how eat, how you sleep and the level of energy you have. Handling your energy is a stewardship issue. Leaders have a lot of meetings over meals, drink a lot of coffee or energy drinks. They stay up too late watching TV, surfing social media instead of sleeping, taking a sabbath or doing something that is recharging and refreshing.

There is a direct connection between how eat, how you sleep & your energy level.

3. They don’t have an outlet. Whenever I find myself getting tired, it is often because I am not taking my retreat day, hanging out with friends or doing things that are fun. Leaders and pastors are notorious for being bad friends, having hobbies and doing things that are fun. You will start to think about quitting, not being thankful, begrudgingly going to meetings or counseling people. Get outside, take a break, slow down.

4. Misplaced idols. If pastors are honest, they struggle with an idol of ministry. In our hearts, many pastors struggle because they want to have a larger church, a larger platform, they want to be known, they want people to be changed by their sermons. Not all of these are wrong, but the motives often are. You will run out of steam if you have an idol. Be honest with someone, have someone ask you hard questions and hold you accountable.

You will run out of steam as a pastor if you have an idol.

5. Not leading from a place of burden. Leaders are idea machines. We read books, go to conferences, listen to podcasts, look for the latest trend, but those are ideas, not a vision. It is easy to confuse the two. A vision, what drives you comes from a burden. Any leader, if you want to know their vision, ask about their burden. You must keep that in the forefront. I wake up and want to lead and build a church that helps to reach 20-40 year olds. This burden is ingrained in experiences growing up and watching churches fail to reach not only this demographic, but men in particular.

Vision is not an idea, it is a burden.

6. Not dealing with emotions. One thing I was unprepared for was how emotionally tiring ministry and leadership can be. It can be hard to walk with people who get a divorce, get fired, wreck their lives, funerals, miscarriages. This can wreck your heart. You must learn to deal with the emotional ride that pastoring is. If you don’t, you will become a statistic.

Posted on Monday, May 4, 2015

What Should Christians Think about Sex?

by Joshua Reich

The response to sex among Christians is usually predictable: embarrassment, hushed tones, guarded. Looks that say, “don’t talk about that here.”

In fact, one guy told me as I’m preaching through the Song of Solomon at my church that he’s surprised it is in the Bible. Another called it biblical porn.

What should Christians think about sex?

I looked at a popular pastor’s website out of curiosity. This is a pastor that preaches through books of the Bible. In his ministry career, he has preached through every book of the Bible, except one.

The Song of Solomon.

Why?

The Song of Solomon is just as inspired as the book of Romans!

The Song of Solomon is just as inspired as the book of Romans.

By and large, Christians don’t know how to enjoy sex in the way God created it.

We know how to corrupt it, we know how the culture thinks about it and so we either run the other direction (don’t enjoy it, don’t explore with your spouse, never talk about it with your kids) or we simply give in to the culture and live like them (adultery, sleeping around, porn, selfishness, sex as a weapon).

Neither one of those is a good option or even a biblical one.

The Song of Solomon to me is one of the most relevant books of the bible for our culture. For this reason, it shows us what marriage is supposed to be like. Spouses who adore each other, pursue each other, serve each other, seek to please and pleasure each other, all for the good of their marriage. Spouses who complement each other, knows what the other likes and dislikes and then uses that information to make the other happy.

Our culture from broken homes, divorce, adultery, porn, has no idea what sex is supposed to be like. Sex is seen as a weapon to get your way so women wield it with power in their relationships. Many wives operate from the perspective of: I’ll give you my body, but only as I manipulate you to do what I want.

One of the other struggles our culture has is that our sexual identity has become the trump card and the most important thing about who we are, it is who we are. That is not what the Bible teaches and when we make that the trump card, we limit ourselves to simply who we are sexually and what we do sexually. We then have a broken image of ourselves and see our value only through the lens of sex. Which isn’t surprising when we think about how prevalent porn is.

Your sexual identity is not the most important thing about you.

The Bible, particularly the Song of Solomon, show us that sex within marriage is not only to be celebrated, enjoyed, gratifying but it is also an act of worship to God.

The reason Christians often take the stance they do on sex within marriage (seeing it as dirty, a chore or are prudish about it) is that is the easy stance to take. To have a healthy view of sexuality will often mean dealing with past addictions, past hurts, past abuse, dealing with body image issues and all of those are in places we push down, pretend are not there and try to move forward from without dealing with them.

Sex, intimacy, and affection are the barometer of your marriage.

Sex, intimacy, and affection are the barometer of your marriage.

If you want to know the health of your marriage, where you are in dealing with past hurts, how you and your spouse are pursuing each other, simply look at your view of sex, how often you have sex, how intimate you are (sharing your hurts, dreams, joys and secrets; how open your are) and your affection and that will tell you everything you need to know about the health of your marriage.

The reason I know this to be true is who argues with that statement.

If God is good, and if God created all things (including you and your body), and God created you to enjoy his creation, God also created marriage and sex.

See where I’m going?

Then sex, as created by God to be enjoyed within marriage is something that should be seen as a good gift from a good God used to glorify Him and for your enjoyment.

Posted on Friday, May 1, 2015

9 Keys for Your Church to Reach More Men

by Joshua Reich

In most churches today, as has been true for the last few decades, it is made up of more women and children, than men. Yet, in most churches, it is still the men who lead and make decisions.

When we started Revolution Church and we started with the idea that the target of our church would be 20-40 year old men. Last year when we did our yearly church survey, we were 49% men, 51% women, and the average age of our church is 28 ½.

Our church isn’t that unique. Most churches plants are filled with younger people, but what we have learned over the years is how to reach men. This won’t surprise you:

Reaching men is different than reaching women.
Most churches are set up to reach women.

Reaching men is different than reaching women. Most churches are set up to reach women.

According to Focus on the family:

Did you know that if a child is the first person in a household to become a Christian, there is a 3.5 percent probability everyone else in the household will follow?
If the mother is the first to become a Christian, there is a 17 percent probability everyone else in the household will follow.
But if the father is first, there is a 93 percent probability everyone else in the household will follow.

We know this to be true, we know the impact a father has on the life of a family. Many people have their view of God tied up with their view of their earthly father. We talk about the father wound and the impact a father has on us. Yet, many churches have simply chosen not to reach men.

Companies have figured this out and largely market to 18 – 35 year old men. Are they neglecting women? No. The reality is that most women like a lot of what men like when it comes to marketing, but the reverse is not true. Churches need to learn from this.

Having a target

Every time I talk with pastors or Christians and say we have a target as a church, I get interesting questions. The reality is, your church has a target. The style of music, dress, what time church is, what kind of building you have, what ministries you have and don’t have.

How do you know if you are hitting your target?

Who comes to your church?
Who gets baptized?
What comments or questions do you get?
My favorite comment is the one I hear from a wife all the time: I wasn’t so sure about this church, but Revolution is the only church my husband would come back to, so here we are.

Here are 9 things you can do to start reaching men and see impact in the lives of people, families and your city:

9 keys for your church to reach more men.

Think about men when it comes to the atmosphere, name of your church, structure and songs. Most churches are filled with pastel colors, flowers everywhere. Why? Women designed it. Not a bad thing, but it won’t appeal to men. One other thing that I think is important when it comes to thinking through the lens of men (and women) is preaching once a year on relationships, marriage, what it means to be a man or a woman. Our culture has so many questions, so many thing are unclear to our culture on these topics that people are wondering.

Most churches are naturally geared towards women, not men.

Preach to men. Most churches, the win for men is to stop looking at porn. While porn is destructive and pervasive, every man is not looking at it every day. There are more things a man struggles with or has questions about. Men in a sermon tend to want logic, clarity and action steps. Women tend to want more stories, feelings and emotions. While a sermon should strive for both, most pastors end up on one end of the spectrum and their church reflects that. I often think about men I know when I preach on a passage and try to discern questions they would have about it. When men leave a church, they tend to talk about if they were challenged to think in a new way, while women tend to talk about how they felt after a service. Not all are like this, but I’ve found this to be typical. With a sermon, what do you want people to do? How clear is the main idea?

Have a clear win for your church. If your church doesn’t have a clear win, a clear vision, men will not sign up for it. Men want to know what is on the line, what impact something will make, why they need to show up. This especially matters to businessmen. This may take you out of your comfort zone, but learn the language of the men you are trying to reach. How do they talk? What books do they read? What is important to them?

Men want to give their lives to clarity and something that matters.

Show them how actions affect their legacy. Men are concerned with legacy, how things will end up, how they will be remembered. When you minister to a man, keep this in mind. Date night with his wife is not just something for today, but has an enormous affect on the marriages of his kids. Purity in his life will be passed on to his kids and grandkids. Whenever possible, show a man who what he is doing right now, good or bad, will affect his legacy. Men think about the future in a way women do not.

Give them clear examples worth following. One of the reasons I didn’t want to become a pastor when I was 18 was I had never met a pastor I wanted to be like. Most men look at church leaders and see people they don’t want to be like. Or, they don’t see men they would want to become. This doesn’t mean every pastor needs to drink beer or have a tattoo, but when men follow another man, they are following someone they want to emulate. Put leaders in your church, in visible places who men would want to emulate. This will sound sexist but I’ll just say it. Men follow men. If you want to reach men, have strong male leaders in your church who exemplify Ephesians 5. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have women leaders (if you are a true complementarian church, you will have strong women leaders in your church), but many men who are pastors aren’t actually leading, they are just shepherding. And men know the difference. One thing that is important and few men can articulate this but I’ve found this to be true: men want a pastor who is working hard on his marriage, is honest about his marriage and has a marriage they want to emulate. Is this pressure on the pastor? Yes, but so is everything else about his life and ministry. Too many pastors do not have a passion filled marriage and the men who walk into their churches know it.

As sexist as this sounds, Men follow men.

Expect men to succeed. It is amazing to me what happens in someone’s life when we expect them to succeed or reach a goal. People pick up on our expectations and they have a way of reaching our expectations. If you expect men to lead family devotions, tell them, tell them you believe they can do it and give them resources to do it. If you expect men to reach something, tell them and help them get there. Too many churches seem to say, “We’re content if men just show up.” Or, “You should do ___” and then never give them any tools to accomplish this. Men will often not do something if they are afraid they won’t succeed. This is why men don’t lead at home, don’t pray with their wife, they are afraid of failing.

Men will often not do something if they are afraid they won’t succeed.

Give men something to do. What do most men’s ministries tend to be? A male version of a women’s ministry. They are discussion focused, a large event with men listening or trying to get men to share. While women will share before they serve, men want to serve first. Give them something to do. Help them see how their actions can make an impact. Which leads to the next one…

Men want to serve before their share & open up.

Help them see how their job is a mission field. This is something churches have failed in. Give them a missional theology of work. Not everyone should be a pastor at a church, yet most of the time a pastor meets a businessman he makes him feel guilty for not being a pastor.

Ultimately: The reality for reaching men is they have a habit of becoming what we expect them to be. Whatever bar you have for men, they will reach it. Men are able to do impossible things in life, but the church has by and large held up a broom stick they can jump over and wondered why men didn’t come back.

Men become what we expect them to become. Expect more.

Posted on Wednesday, April 29, 2015

How to Pick Ministry Ideas

by Joshua Reich

Pastors know this conversation.

Someone comes up to you and says, “Do you know what our church needs?” A ministry for _______.

Now, that blank is often a good idea. In fact, it might be a great idea. The one idea that is just waiting to take your church over the top.

What many people and pastors fail to realize, the person asking it doesn’t actually want that. They may think they want that or that they want to be a part of that, but they don’t.

When to say yes to something.

Typically, when someone in a church says “we need a women’s ministry” or a class on finances or prayer or parenting, we need a group for empty nesters or college students, church leaders jump and start one up because “they don’t want to lose this influential person.”

Now, when this class or ministry starts, do you know who won’t be there?

That’s right.

The person in the original conversation.

Why?

When it comes to our spiritual growth we don’t know what we actually need.

We often want what we think others have. We look at the end product of another church, another ministry but don’t ask, “What led them to start that? What need were they trying to reach? Does that need exist in our church or city? If it does, what is the best thing to reach it?”

We often get asked why we don’t have a women’s ministry or life stage groups at Revolution. The answer is, we think there’s a better way to reach our target in our city. There is nothing wrong with them, we just think the way they are usually done would hinder our goal as a church.

The other issue we don’t often think about is when a need is presented, it is simply in an effort to meet that need. This is good, but what leaders often fail to realize as they take in suggestions is they are tasked with seeing the whole field, the whole situation, while the person making a recommendation is not.

This isn’t bad, but before a leader goes ahead with an idea, they must stop to ask if it fits into what is already happening, the goal of a ministry or church.

Sometimes the answer is yes and sometimes it is no or wait.

So, when that new idea comes up, here are some criteria to take it through:

7 ways to know if now is the time to start something new or kill something old.

Does it reach our target as a church? Every church has a target whether they admit it or not. The target of your church, whether that is families, singles, students, empty nesters should drive many of the decisions of your church. Your target is who you are best situated to reach and who God has called you to reach. You want to reach everybody, but are best suited to reach certain people in your city. Who that target is will determine the ministries and ideas you run with as a church.
Does the answer to question 1 matter? Sometimes the answer to question 1 doesn’t matter. God is calling you, your church or team to move forward with an idea that your target doesn’t matter. This won’t happen a lot, but I wanted to put this in there.
Can we afford to do it? Do you have the structure, the bandwidth, the finances to make something happen.
Can we afford not to do it? If you don’t do something, what happens? Not enough pastors list out what happens if they say no or not yet. Often, we live in fear of people, losing people, making someone angry and never list out, “What really happens if we say no?” Often, saying no will not mean the world ends.
Is now the time to do this? Just because an idea is good or great does not mean now is the time to do it. Church planters often feel this tension as the larger church down the road can do a lot more than they can. That’s okay, let them.
If we do this, will it hurt something else we do? Many times, we unknowingly undermine something that we are already doing by doing something else. This is why we don’t do a women’s ministry at Revolution, because of what unintentionally happens in a church when one is going.
Can we be great at doing it? Too many churches do too much because that’s what churches do instead of asking, if we do this, will we be great at it? Can we do this better than someone else? Don’t just do concerts, Awana or classes to have them. Be great at the things you do. This will mean, you will do less.

The reality when this conversation happens is the person who says, “We should do ____” wants to see their church be great, healthy and reach more people. You as a leader though are held accountable for knowing when the time is right to say yes.

Posted on Friday, April 17, 2015

It Doesn’t Matter What People Think of You

by Joshua Reich

In his book The Entrepreneur Roller Coaster: Why Now Is the Time to #Join the Ride, Darren Hardy says

Someone explained “getting a grip” to me another way, calling it the 18-40-65 rule.

When we’re eighteen, we worry endlessly about what people think of us. Does he or she think I’m cute? Do they like me? Is so-and-so made at me? Am I being gossiped about? Then by age forty, we stop worrying about gossip and opinion. We finally stop caring what people think about us.

But it isn’t until age sixty-five that we realize the truth: All this time, nobody has really been thinking about us at all.

People don’t think about you as much as you think they do.

Posted on Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Leadership is Playing Well with Others

by Joshua Reich

Often, I’ll talk with younger leaders who want to be further along in their career than they are. They want to be leading a church, on the front lines of making decisions, but they aren’t.

Many people never reach their potential because of their anger for being “overlooked.”

I’ll hear from older leaders who wish they had more influence, that people would listen to their ideas.

Recently, I was talking with someone who told me, “It’s frustrating that my talents are being wasted. Why doesn’t anyone let me do what I know I can do?”

What would you say? Have you ever felt this way?

Now to be clear and fair, sometimes churches and companies fail to see talent. The people in leadership are so concerned about keeping their post that they don’t let anyone rise up and have a shot. They keep new ideas at bay so as to not look bad themselves. This does happen and it breaks my heart when it does.

When I was this leader, feeling overlooked, not appreciated. When I would look at the lead pastor that I worked for and thought, “I could do his job. Why don’t they listen to my ideas? When am I going to get my shot?”

What I never asked myself was, why am I not getting my shot?

Have you ever asked yourself why you’re being overlooked for a position?

At least not in a way to discover an answer. I asked out of frustration, not for the goal of discovery.

A few years ago there was a person in our church who wanted badly to be a leader. This person had a lot of qualities that made for a good leader: hard worker, creative, talented. Yet, they couldn’t play well with others. Everywhere this person went, bodies would be left on the ground (not literally). No one wanted to be on a team with this person.

I could relate because I was that person when I was 22. I was pushy, demanding, sometimes demeaning. People were there for my vision, my goals.

If you can’t play well with others, you’ll never be a leader.

It wasn’t until I sat down and dove into, why am I being overlooked that I realized, I wasn’t nice. I wasn’t fun. I wasn’t someone that others wanted to work with and be with.

This is a hard truth to see in the mirror.

As one mentor told me, “People who bite don’t make good leaders.”

People who bite don’t make good leaders.

Often, the reason someone never realizes their full potential or gets their ideas heard on a team is because they don’t get along with others. People will go out of their way for those who play well with others, but will hinder the potential of those who don’t.

Right or wrong. That’s the way people work.

If you want to be all that God has called you to be, you must get along with others.

If you want to be all that God has called you to be, you must get along with others.

Posted on Monday, April 13, 2015

Stop Pretending Your Marriage is Great

by Joshua Reich

Whenever I preach on marriage or any topic, the responses vary but are often the same regardless of the topic. Money tends to bring out the same in people.

Some are excited about the possibility of change. Seeing marriage, money or pace in a new light. What would it look like if a couple started to serve and pursue each other. I love this response.

Another response is one of anger. Often when something new is presented, it pushes up against what is expected or what is known. This is the response when people say, “I’ll never give, I don’t see the need.” “I won’t slow down, because that’s how I’ve always done it.” “I won’t be in community because I don’t need people.” Underneath this response is always hurt, disappointment, letdown, broken promises, but ultimately sin and fear.

When we don’t change, it is because we fear being found out that we didn’t have it all together.

Another response to me is the saddest response, although the previous paragraph is equally heart breaking. It is the response of resignation or excuses.

Stop pretending your marriage is great when it isn’t. Work on it so it will be great.

This mostly comes up in marriage topics, but easily shows itself in other places. It is the person who longs to see something change but for whatever reason feels like nothing could be different. It is the, “I wish my spouse did ___, but because they don’t I’ll start to talk about why that is okay or ‘just the way it is.'” So heartbreaking.

If you won’t be intentional in your marriage, don’t expect it to be great.

I remember talking with a couple and they had all kinds of reasons why they weren’t pursuing each other, why they didn’t spend time together, and I tried to push on it and nothing. The next day the husband was on Facebook talking about why their marriage didn’t need that, almost like a badge of honor that they didn’t date each other anymore. The comments were astounding. Person after person affirming him. “You don’t need a date night. I know all kinds of couples with great marriages who don’t have a date night.” What all those people on Facebook didn’t know was how his wife was dying. The sin no one knew about because of the spiritual facade they put on.

Do couples have great marriages without a date night or yearly getaway?

Sure.

I’ve yet to meet a couple who did that religiously get a divorce though or say they wished they had less date nights or less getaways.

I’ve met lots of couples who excused why they didn’t have a date night or getaway spend years in a mediocre marriage or get divorced.

Great things do not just happen, they happen through intentionality and through good, godly advice.

Great marriages do not just happen, they happen through intentionality.

When Katie and I first started Revolution, we knew a couple who was a leader at another church in another state, a couple many people looked up to. She could not handle money at all. In fact, the husband kept a separate account so that his marriage did not go bankrupt financially (again). Yet, they would always talk their marriage up in classes, online. And every time I thought, “if people only knew.”

So, why do couples do this?

There is a sense of failure if your marriage is not as great as you make it sound online.

There is a fear we have of being found out, of admitting we don’t have it all together.

Yet, in that fear is misery because until we admit our need for help, we can’t ever move forward.

I remember the first time I said out loud that Katie and I went to see a Christian counselor when we first got married. The person gave me a weird look for a second and then I said, “What? We want to make sure our marriage is as great as possible and we’re not faking it anymore.”

Stop excusing your mediocre life and marriage.

Posted on Friday, April 10, 2015

How to Protect Your Heart as a Pastor

by Joshua Reich

Every week when a pastor preaches, they talk about the sin that binds the people in their church, the idols they battle, the lies they easily fall into and the truth of Jesus that frees them and destroys sin and death.

Pastors by and large, struggle to apply this same medicine to their own sin.

Pastors by and large, struggle to apply the gospel they preach to their own sin.

Much of the identity and idols that pastor’s fall into reside in what happens on a Sunday morning at church. High attendance, strong giving, loud singing and it was a good day. A pastor will float through Sunday night, post about all that God did on twitter and wake up ready to charge hell on Monday morning.

Low attendance, a down week in giving, few laughs and no one sings and the pastor will go home, look at twitter and get jealous of the megachurch down the road and wake up Monday morning ready to resign and get another job.

The difference between the two examples?

The heart of the pastor.

When we started Revolution, I rode this roller coaster (and still do many weeks if I’m not careful). I was so concerned about these metrics of our church: how many people came, what did people give. Some of that is a necessity because when you are a church plant, there are weeks that if no one gives you may close down. It got so bad at one point that I would help with the offering count so I would know how much was given right after church and then I could go home knowing if it would be a good night or a bad one.

This feels silly to write, but it is the ride many pastors go on each weekend.

Here are a couple of things I’ve done to protect my heart:

2 ways to protect your heart as a pastor.

Stay off social media until Monday. Twitter and Facebook are great, but on Sunday it is pastor after pastor talking about the triumph of the day. I get it and love to celebrate it, but it can create a resentful spirit if you aren’t careful. Like all temptations, if you don’t engage, you are able to fight it. Also, many pastors want to see how many people tweeted their stuff, if anyone said anything about church and this can easily stroke a pastors ego.
Find out the attendance and giving on Monday. If you find a lot of identity in what the attendance and giving was, wait until Monday to find out what they were. Yes, these are helpful metrics to the health of your church (along with how many people serve, are in community, become Christians and invite someone), but it doesn’t make a difference in the life of your church if you find them out on Sunday or Monday. It only matters to a pastor who finds identity in them.

Posted on Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Live the Life that Unfolds Before You

by Joshua Reich

Right now, I’m reading my kids The Wilderking Trilogy. In the first book, one of the characters, Bayard the Truthspeaker tells Aidan a teenager who has dreams of being great, “live the life that unfolds before you.”

That line stood out to me.

Live the life that unfolds before you.

Often, I don’t live the life in front me. My life becomes a series of choices to get ahead, move on to the next thing, make more money, have more opportunity, maximize this appointment, this chance, right now. I’m constantly focused on what I can do now and miss the life right in front of me.

Now, I’m all for goals and planning ahead, but in our effort to do it all, I feel like we miss life right now.

What if you have a goal to start a business, a church, write a book, go back to school? You could do it now, but what if you did it in 10, 20 or 30 years because it doesn’t work right now, you have young kids. What if that happened? Would you be a failure? Would you feel like a failure?

If so, why?

We get so amazed at people who do great things in their 20’s but forget that people do great things in their 80’s.

I know, we aren’t promised tomorrow and I’m not saying we put things off that we should do today.

But often, the thing we should do today is the thing right in front of us, not always, but usually.

Before you get ahead of yourself and go charging down the field of life to hit your next goal, conquer your next thing, start a new project, become great or famous. What if, the life you are supposed to live right now is the one right in front of you. Not extraordinary or different, but rather ordinary and right there. What if great things are for later so that you don’t miss now?

Posted on Monday, April 6, 2015

10 Questions You Should Ask Your Spouse Regularly

by Joshua Reich

One of the things many married couples fail to do is have regular check-in’s to ask “how are we doing?”

The reasons are obvious: life is busy; your kids, job, church, hobbies all keep you running at an insane pace. You want to believe you are being a great spouse or at a minimum, you are doing good. Sometimes though, having a check-in conversation means you will have a larger conversation that could turn into a fight and who wants that. Another reason is we don’t want to hear if we are failing and not meeting our spouse’s needs. We’d rather live in the world of bliss as if it is all okay.

10 questions every couple should ask on a regular basis.

The reality in life though, if you don’t ever have a check-in, evaluation if you will, you will never know if you are doing well. Life becomes a shot in the dark, a blind hope that you are doing well.

Let’s be honest for a minute, if you are married you want your marriage to be as great as possible. I am stunned when I tell couples these questions the look of fear or resignation they have. They are scary, but you want to have the best marriage possible. Right? Right.

In light of that, here are some questions I think you should ask your spouse on a regular basis:

1. Are you satisfied?

Right off the bat, this question can lead to some intense conversations, but that’s okay. You are both adults, you signed up for this. Ask them if they are satisfied, happy. Are you? If not, how can you move towards that. As your spouse answers, don’t fight, don’t argue, simply listen until they are done and then respond “what I hear you saying is…” Don’t get defensive.

Do you know if your spouse is satisfied in your marriage?

2. Can I wear something or stop wearing something to be more attractive?

While this sounds like a question only men care about, it isn’t. I once had a sleeveless Adidas shirt that I loved but Katie thought was the most disgusting thing on the planet. She finally just threw it away. But ask this. Be willing to include every article of clothing for both of you. Strive to be attractive to your spouse. If they don’t like a shirt, a color, a pair of underwear, get rid of it. Speaking of underwear, a good rule of thumb is to clean out your underwear drawer on a yearly basis.

A good rule of thumb is to clean out your underwear drawer on a yearly basis.

3. What do you like sexually?

I am stunned at how little spouses know about what their spouse likes sexually. We think we know, but especially men are clueless. So are you next date night, while you’re laying in bed, ask your spouse what they like and don’t like sexually. Don’t get defensive. And then when they tell you, maybe try it out.

4. How can I make your life easier? Less stressful?

I wish I could take credit for being a genius of thinking of this question, but I can’t. Katie thought of it. But it was eye opening. Recently at our RevCommunities someone asked about cleaning up the kitchen and Katie said, “Josh will take care of it, he does that every night.” Stunned silence and jaws hit the floor. Then Katie explained this question. Her answer was, “If I could clean up the kitchen each night, load the dishwasher, get coffee ready for her, that would make her life easier when she woke up.” Often, we do things we think will make our spouse’s life easier or less stressful, but it doesn’t. So ask. Wouldn’t you like to do what your spouse would like done instead of guessing?

5. Is there something you wish we did together?

This is a great relational question. Men like to do things together recreationally, that’s a high emotional need for men. It might be watching football together, working out together, gardening, whatever. But doing things together builds into your relationship.

Doing things together builds into your relationship.

6. How can I help you right now?

This is similar to #4 but gets at something immediate. You may have young kids and you can help with bedtime or the morning routine. Maybe one of you is in school and could use help. Again, don’t get defensive if you think you are doing this, but this is a great way to serve your spouse.

7. How can I help you get better? At what?

As your kids age and your life changes, this is a great question to ask. This helps you to keep growing and moving forward. One of the things I do on a regular basis is buy Katie books to help her keep growing as a woman spiritually.

8. What is the one thing our family should concentrate on in the next 3 – 6 months?

I love this question because it keeps you as a couple on the same page and moving in the same direction. This goal might be getting out of debt, losing weight, finishing a class, buying a house, starting a business, slowing down. But it helps if you both know and agree on what is the most important thing for your family right now, for the next year.

What is the one thing our family should concentrate on in the next 3 – 6 months?

9. What is the next step for us? For our family?

This is a looking ahead question and is incredibly helpful so you can see around corners as a couple. Is school about to start? Are you about to pay off a credit card? What’s next? Is someone about to change a job? While you both know what is coming, we miss opportunities to talk about what will change because of that and how to best be prepared.

10. What do we need to cut out of our lives right now to live at a sustainable pace?

I think you as a couple should pull out your calendars each week and talk about what is coming up. You should also look at the next month(s) and ask “is this sustainable?” Should we slow down? Cut something out?” Too often, we simply keep running and wonder why we’re so tired without changing anything.

10 questions every couple should ask on a regular basis.

While not exhaustive, this is a good start. In fact, as your family grows, you get older, kids move out and life changes with new jobs or jobs being quit, you should pull this list out and revisit them as the answers sometimes change.