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Being a Pastor’s Wife

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Pastor's wife

Many churches (and pastors for that matter) do not know what to do with pastor’s wives, how to treat them, what role they play or how important they are. It is a hard role to live in and stay in. Everyone has a lot of their own expectations of what the wife of a pastor should be like, yet, they are all different.

While Revolution (and myself) has struggled just like every other church to figure this out, I believe Katie and I have figured some things out that we have put into place which will prove to be invaluable in the future. While this is not exclusive to pastors, any leader in a church and for that matter, any husband can do better in understanding their wives and how to engage them.

Below are 6 things Katie and I have learned that I hope will be beneficial for you:

  1. Pastor Your Wife as Much as You Pastor Your Church
  2. Without Her, You Fall Apart
  3. What Role a Pastors Wife Plays in the Church
  4. Spiritual Warfare in the Home
  5. “Just” a Wife & a Mom
  6. Handling the Loneliness
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How to Make a Hard Announcement

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At some point as a leader, you will have to make a hard announcement.

It might be about letting a staff member go, layoffs, cutting a budget, killing a program or ministry, moving locations, changing service times. Anything that will disrupt the normal and what people are used to can be a hard announcement. It doesn’t even have to be a major change, it could simply be a change.

While it is difficult to do this, there are some things you can do to set yourself up to succeed and for a hard announcement to go smoothly and create momentum.

4 ways to make a hard announcement

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Here are 4 ways:

1. Be clear. Say whatever it is you need to say. Don’t beat around the busy. Don’t be mean about it, but be clear. At the end of the conversation or announcement, there should be clarity on what was communicated. There should be no questions about what moving forward looks like. When things are gray or unanswered, people create their own answers and this is when a church or team gets into trouble.

2. Be honest. Depending on the announcement and situation, you may not be able to share everything or all the details. But, you should be honest about it. Leaders often want to cloak announcements in cliche’s about how God is moving or calling, etc. People see through this. Be honest. Don’t throw anyone under the bus, but be honest. In this honesty, you should be as positive as possible. It does no good to launch an attack against the person leaving.

3. Say what everyone is thinking. Leaders need to give their people more credit than they do. Often leaders think their teams or people in their church are stupid. They wouldn’t say that, but they communicate with them like they do. If you are heading into a hard season for your church, say so. Admit, this will be hard. Admit something hurts. Admit something is not what you’d like. Don’t always feel the need to put a smile on something. Now, your level of confidence will be felt in your church but there is a difference between confidence to get through a situation and trying to put a false smile on something. Don’t be afraid to say what everyone is thinking about something. It will also validate what everyone thinking and tell them it is okay and normal to think that.

4. Everyone only remembers the last day. When a transition happens and it will, everyone will only remember the last day. I know you did so much at your church, but people will only remember the last time they saw or heard you. If you let a staff member go and they had a number of fans in the church, those fans will remember how you acted and treated them when you publicly said goodbye. Don’t be fake or false in this, but be respectful and take the high road.

When a transition happens, people remember your last day

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How to Finish Well as a Pastor

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Leadership failures seem to happen a lot. Whenever I read a blog about a pastor or a CEO being fired or having to step down, or whenever Katie and I learn about a couple going through a divorce, our hearts break.

I’m reminded of something as well. It is a reminder that no one is immune.

When we read about it or walk with someone, here are something Katie and I talk through, “How do we make it to the end? How do we make it not only in our marriage to ‘death do us part’ but also to the finish line of ministry? Are there things we should be doing that we aren’t doing?”

6 ways to help you finish well as a leader

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A few thoughts that Katie and I have come up with through the years as we’ve talked about our marriage and finishing well:

  1. You are not immune. None of us (even those who write scathing blogs about leaders who fail are not immune from sin or failing). All of us sin, all of us can fall. You must realize this, you must live like this. You must always keep your guard up. Satan is a being that has been around since the start of the world, he knows our weaknesses and will not rest. To win the war, you must knock down the leaders.
  2. Have accountability. This starts with your spouse, but must go farther than that. Have filters on your internet, make sure people know your passwords, put your computer in a public spot in the house. Have people who you trust and who love you ask you the hard questions.
  3. Rest. The reason most pastors fall is because they are tried and they let their guard down. Seasons of life and ministry are hard. Life gets busy and it is easy to put your marriage, your romance and sex life on the back burner. It is easy to get crispy in ministry (if you don’t know what that is, you will). Make sure you are taking your day off, getting exercise, keeping boundaries: don’t check e-mail on your day off, don’t meet with people on your day off, don’t answer the phone on your day off.
  4. Talk openly and honestly with your spouse about your season. You must be aware of the season of life you are in. Is it busy? Too busy? What do you need to do to slow down? Recently, I just took a retreat just to catch my breath, spend some extended time with God and get some sleep. Katie and I (separately) see a spiritual director, just to have someone who helps process our journeys and helps us to see what God is doing in our lives.
  5. Beware of warning signs. People don’t just happen into an affair. It doesn’t just happen one day. There are warning signs. Have you disengaged from your spouse? If you are not meeting your spouse’s needs, they will look for someone else to do it (I’m not saying this is right, just reality). Are you dating your spouse?
  6. Keep the right things first. One of the things Katie and I talked about as we’ve watched pastors close up and from afar fall is what the wife does. It is easy for wives to make their kids their first priority. It is easy for pastor’s wives to not be enamored with their husband, after all, they see him all the time, they’ve heard all his best stories and jokes a thousand times. People get enamored with pastors. Being on a stage seems sexy. They are often articulate, engaging, they are spiritual (which is a big plus to women, especially if her husband is not). Your first priority is your spouse, not your kids.

A church is part of the health of a pastor and his family and if a pastor finishes well. Here are a few things a church can do:

  1. Let them take their day off, make sure they take all of their vacation days, make sure he is dating his wife, offer to babysit their kids, pray for them.
  2. Care for the pastor’s wife, too many churches just try to take care of the pastor, but one of the greatest thing you can for a pastor is care for their spouse.

Two things a church can do to help their pastor finish well

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When this happens to a pastor, do a gut check. Ask yourself, “How would I want people to react to me if this happened to me?” That’s how we should react. And second, “Is there anything in my life that I need to repent of? Is there anything in my life that can lead me down this road that I need to get out of my life?”

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Answering Questions No one is Asking

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One thing churches and pastors seem to do very well is answer questions no one is asking. 

Pastors spend years in a sermon series that was 60 weeks too long. All in an effort to be deeper or more gospel centered, we show off our theological fortitude and drown our churches in information that doesn’t lead to transformation.

We teach evangelism classes and tell people to read apologetics books on important theological issues: deity of Christ, the resurrection of Jesus and the end of the world, yet most people outside the church aren’t asking those questions. They want to know how to talk to their spouse, how to raise their kids, get out of debt, let go of a past hurt, not whether the left behind series is correct.

Companies do this too. Recently as Apple got beat up by Samsung for essentially copying their phone 2 years later, but Samsung misses why people buy an iPhone. Someone who loves Apple doesn’t care of Samsung made that phone 2 years ago, if they did, they would already have a Samsung phone.

I recently went into sports store to buy workout chalk since I ran out. I wanted to get a block of it and put it in a bucket so it wouldn’t make a mess on the floor of my garage when I used it. The store I went into, I asked if they had chalk and they guy beamed and said, “Yes, right here. You can shake it on your hands instead of having a block.” This was exactly what I wanted to avoid, but he didn’t ask so I went to a different store and he missed a sale.

Churches and pastors fail when they answer questions no one is asking.

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So as a church or a pastor, how do you answer questions people are actually asking? Here are a few ideas:

  1. Ask questions. Ask people you are trying to reach questions to learn from them. Ask them what is hard or difficult. Listen to them when they talk about their jobs and their lives. Many pastors are not good listeners in social situations.
  2. Spend time with unchurched people. Many Christians are isolated from unchurched people and let’s face it, pastors are often terrible friends. Spend time in their house, have them into your house and be around them. You will be amazed at what you will pick up by simply being in the same room as someone who doesn’t follow Jesus.
  3. Read blogs, magazines and watch movies for the purpose of learning. Many people and leaders simply ingest culture and media without thinking, yet blogs, movies, shows, what people say on shows gives us a great window into what our culture thinks and the questions and reservations they have around the gospel. Often when I watch a debate show, I ask what I would say to the person about that issue, a person who maybe has no reverence for the Bible.

Bottom line, if you want to be relevant and help people begin a relationship with Jesus, we must start with where they are and answer the questions they are asking, not the ones we think they are asking.

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Being a Pastor’s Wife: What Role a Pastor’s Wife Plays in the Church

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Many churches (and pastors for that matter) do not know what to do with pastor’s wives, how to treat them, what role they play or how important they are. It is a hard role to live in and stay in. Everyone has a lot of their own expectations of what the wife of a pastor should be like, yet, they are all different.

While Revolution (and myself) has struggled just like every other church to figure this out, I believe Katie and I have figured some things out that we have put into place which will prove to be invaluable in the future. While this is not exclusive to pastors, any leader in a church and for that matter, any husband can do better in understanding their wives and how to engage them.

Over the next month, I’ll be sharing some of the things we’ve learned that I hope will be beneficial for you.

If you missed them, you can read Pastor Your Wife as Much as You Pastor Your Church and Without Her, You Fall Apart.

The other thing that too many churches do with pastor’s wives is not being sure what to do with them or how they should serve or be involved. Many churches see them as free labor. He’s here, she came with him, why not put her to work, for free. She leads the music, plays the piano, leads the kids ministry and the women’s ministry. Why? Why not.

What makes being a pastor’s wife difficult is that nowhere in scripture is there a job description. The only job description people know of for a pastors’ wife is what they saw their last pastor’s wife do. If she did it, they assume every pastor’s wife does that. The problem is that every pastor’s wife is not musical, many of them do not have upfront personalities, or have a teaching gift or have a passion for children or a women’s ministry.

One reason it is so hard to be a pastor’s wife.

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A pastor’s wife needs to be treated like the rest of the women in the church. She needs to be encouraged to find her spiritual gift and use them. Whatever that may be. And, like every other woman in the church, her first responsibility it to care for her husband and children. That is her first ministry according to Titus 2. This is something churches can get better at as well. We need to encourage and hold up the important role women play when it comes to their role as a wife and a mom. Yes, women are not just that, but we have lowered those roles so much in our culture that it is seen as a step down if that is your role. By fulfilling this role, a woman is making the biggest impact on the world because of the impact she is making on her family (particularly, her kids).

Sorry, that was a tangent.

Once, I had a conversation with a woman at Revolution and she told me all the things her pastor’s wife had done. She had recently moved to Tucson. Her problem was that Katie didn’t do these things. What she failed to recognize was that Katie was 28 and her previous pastor’s wife was 44, with only a high school senior still at home. Katie had 3 kids under 4 at home.

While, this does not give a pastor’s wife an excuse to be lazy and say, “I have 2 young kids at home so I can’t volunteer anywhere in the church.” If someone else said that in a church, we would give pushback because we are all called to serve somewhere in some capacity in the body of Christ. She does need to be selective with her time.

Every family finds themselves in different seasons. Some are busier than others. A pastor’s wife needs to be aware of the season she is in, the season her family is in and the church needs to be okay with that and respect that. As they do with the other women in the church.

Pastors, does your church see your wife as free labor, or do they treat her like other women in the church and encourage her to find a spot to serve? You need to not treat her as an employee, she is a member of your church, just like everybody else who is a member. Have you helped her discover her gifts and what she is passionate about? In case you haven’t figured it out, this might change as she grows older, which makes it fun. You get to discover something new with her, and then discover something else with her as her season in life changes.

Churches, do you treat your pastors wife with respect, but also like other women in the church? She is going through the same things all the women in the church are going through, she just gets to go through it in a more public way.

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Being a Pastor’s Wife: Without Her, You Fall Apart

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Pastor's wife

Many churches (and pastors for that matter) do not know what to do with pastor’s wives, how to treat them, what role they play or how important they are. It is a hard role to live in and stay in. Everyone has a lot of their own expectations of what the wife of a pastor should be like, yet, they are all different.

While Revolution (and myself) has struggled just like every other church to figure this out, I believe Katie and I have figured some things out that we have put into place which will prove to be invaluable in the future. While this is not exclusive to pastors, any leader in a church and for that matter, any husband can do better in understanding their wives and how to engage them.

Over the next month, I’ll be sharing some of the things we’ve learned that I hope will be beneficial for you.

If you missed it, you can read Pastor Your Wife as Much as You Pastor Your Church.

One of the difficulties is that no one knows is what a pastor’s wife does. Everyone sees him preaching, leading worship, talking with people. They are touched by what he does. Words speak to them. He led them to Christ, baptized them, did their wedding, and was there for them when they lost a parent or a child.

What makes a pastor’s wife the most important person to the pastor is what you don’t see her do. For me, I am able to do all that I do only because of what Katie does in the background. The night before preaching is especially stressful for every pastor. They are thinking about their sermon, the people who will be there, the details, the people who are mad at them, any problems that are coming up, the list goes on and on what runs through a pastor’s mind the night before preaching. On Saturday, Katie makes sure that our house is as relaxing as possible. We play with our kids, watch a movie, sit on the back porch listening to music and talking together. We do as little as possible. We don’t have any major discussions (we do that on date night, which is Friday night). The next difficult night is after preaching. A pastor thinks about the conversations, what went right, what went wrong. It is either an incredible high or a low. But the night after preaching is usually the most dramatic mood swing of the week for a pastor. They have poured everything out to help those in their church. Without Katie, I would not make it through a month’s worth of these nights.

Pastors, make sure your wife knows how important she is. It is easy for her to forget because she doesn’t see or hear everything. She just hears the bad stuff. Tell her about how what she does enables you to do what you do. How by creating a relaxing home, you are prepared to do what you do and because you do what you do and God worked someone’s life has been changed. That does not happen without her.

Pastor Without Your Wife, You Fall Apart.

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When was the last time you said, “Without you, I would not be able to do ________________?” Do you have a night (a weekly date night) set aside that honors your wife and give your undivided attention to her on this night? That means no phone, email, internet, TV. A night of relating.

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Being a Pastor’s Wife: Pastor Your Wife as Much as You Pastor Your Church

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Pastor's wife

Many churches (and pastors for that matter) do not know what to do with pastor’s wives, how to treat them, what role they play or how important they are. It is a hard role to live in and stay in. Everyone has a lot of their own expectations of what the wife of a pastor should be like, yet, they are all different.

While Revolution (and myself) has struggled just like every other church to figure this out, I believe Katie and I have figured some things out that we have put into place which will prove to be invaluable in the future. While this is not exclusive to pastors, any leader in a church and for that matter, any husband can do better in understanding their wives and how to engage them.

Over the next month, I’ll be sharing some of the things we’ve learned that I hope will be beneficial for you.

I remember when Katie and I were engaged; she met with a woman who was married to a pastor. Katie told her about our engagement, our future plans of being a pastor and starting a church. This pastor’s wife looked at Katie and told her to “run away as fast as she could.” In no uncertain terms, she told her to not marry a pastor. Now that I am a pastor, I can see why (now, let me share my completely biased opinion).

I have not held many other jobs. At 18, I knew what I wanted to do with my life and I poured everything I had into getting there. God opened many doors for me and blessed me with the opportunity to be on staff at some great churches and be around some world class leaders.

But, being a pastor is hard work. It never ends. There is always another meeting to be had, another person who needs help or someone else to counsel, there is always another book to read or a sermon to write, there is always another fire to put out, another person who needs me this minute. Simply put, being a pastor is a lifestyle job. This is the joy and curse of it. It is what I have given my life to, I will just never complete my to do list. And that is okay. What many pastors struggle with is that it is easy to serve others and help others instead of helping and serving their own family. They pour all they have into their churches and leave their families to fend for themselves. What is interesting though is that according to the qualifications of a pastor/elder in 1 Timothy 3 and Titus 1 is that you judge a pastor/elder based on his family and how he leads them, serves them and how they work together.

3 ways help your wife become all that God has called her to be & all that she wants to be.

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Protect Her Heart 

It is easy for a pastor’s wife to get bitter. To see how her husband helps so many other people, how he listens to other people’s problems and not hers. How he can be ready to serve someone at the drop of a hat, but not pick up his clothes at home. She is left to fend for herself and her kids. What many pastors forget is that their wife and kids attend their church and not only are they pastor dad, they are a pastor to them in the same way that he is a pastor to everyone else in the church.

Because it is a lifestyle job that involves counseling, doing weddings, funerals, and being with people, you get a front row seat to everything. You see the good, the bad and the ugly (and sometimes grotesque) of people in the church. A pastor’s wife sees all of this as well. What can make this painful is when you pour into someone, help someone through a difficult patch, spend hours with someone, only to have them stab you in the back, gossip about you, take all of your available time and then tell everyone you weren’t “there for them when they needed you.”

Pastor, are you pastoring your wife? Are you making time for her? Are you helping her deal with the pains you are experiencing? As a man, it is easy to compartmentalize what is happening and you can get lost in your work, but she doesn’t have that luxury, so you need to help her. I remember one time we went through a painful experience and I got over it rather quickly, but never told Katie that I had dealt with it personally, so she kept hurting for me. One night she let me know how bothered she was by this situation and I told her, “That is over.” Not a good thing.

She will be affected by things you won’t be affected by and you need to be sensitive to those things.

Her Gifts

Another area I see many pastor’s failing in is not helping their wife find her gifts and passions. In the past year, Katie has gotten more and more into photography, which has been awesome to see. For too many years, I failed her by not helping her find her gifts and passions outside of church, and was too focused on mine.

Many pastor’s wives are not able to use their gifts because they aren’t seen as worthwhile in the church. Many people think a pastor’s wife should lead the kids ministry, sing, play piano, lead the women’s ministry or teach somewhere. Maybe she is better at discipling, she may be gifted in hospitality or she may be a talented graphic artist. Whatever it is, she should be able to use her gifts.

She should also have the freedom to take breaks like everyone else as she goes through certain seasons of life. There have been times that Katie has been heavily involved in our church and other times where she did less things because of how young our kids are. I’ve always told people, my expectation for a pastor’s wife at Revolution is that she should be like everyone else who attends our church, plugged into community, and using her gifts. Sometimes she will do a lot and sometimes she will do a little, but we’ll have the same expectation for her as anyone else, she just happens to be married to a pastor.

Help Her Grow Spiritually

Another area pastor’s can help his wife is to grow spiritually. Spiritual growth can be hard for a pastor and his family because everything about their life seems spiritual. Often, Katie and I will talk about things she wants to grow in or learn and I will put books on her kindle for her to read. Men are called to pastor his wife and what better way than making sure she is reading good books instead of garbage (which there is no end to in popular books).

Bottom line for this first post, a pastor’s wife is part of the church. They attend it, use their gifts in it, are bought in, but they can easily become bitter or feel left out. They can feel like their husband has chosen work or other people over her and her kids. Don’t do that. Protect her and her heart. Make every effort to make sure she is growing, that she has hobbies and friends so that she is able to become all that God has called her to be.

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Unexpected Seasons of Growth

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growth

As much as I hate to admit it, as a control freak, my life is largely out of my control.

Yes, I control my reaction to things, what I think about things and how I move forward. But, I can’t control what someone else does and I certainly have no say over what God allows to enter into my life.

My summer did not go as I planned.

For some people, this is a reason to celebrate because it would mean new adventures, unexpected opportunities. The optimists in the world would dance a little dance and be on the merry way to see what will happen.

That’s not me.

What I have learned over the summer as things at church haven’t gone how I expected them, is that unexpected season often lead to greater growth. 

The optimists might be right in that the unexpected really does lead to greater opportunities.

This summer I’ve learned that when something you weren’t planning to have happened, happens, it creates opportunities.

When our worship pastor, who helped me start Revolution (he came when our church was 4 months old), when he left in June it gave me an opportunity to do some things I hadn’t thought about doing when he was here. It helped me see areas of our church that weren’t healthy, ways I was leading that weren’t as helpful to our church as they could be.

It opened up new possibilities.

Could that have happened if he stayed?

Sure.

I’m not sure I would have gone looking for it, or it would’ve presented itself otherwise.

Experiences like this create in me a more opportunistic streak. I am starting to look for ways to grow now instead of waiting for discomfort to push me into it. I’m starting to ask more questions about how to improve personally or as a church instead of waiting for a crisis to push me.

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How a Wife Flourishes

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The idea of roles in marriage is filled with land mines. Many people have misused and misinterpreted the beautiful verses in the Bible to make them say what they want to. Few people have actually seen healthy couples live out roles well and often have incorrect views of Biblical roles. We have visions of quiet wives who say nothing, men who dominate and abuse their families all based on Ephesians 5, completely missing the point of this passage.

In thinking about how a husband helps his wife flourish and become all that God has called her to be, here are 5 ways men often fail and how to work against these problems to create the picture described in Ephesians 5:

  1. Spiritually apathetic. This husband completely abdicates his role as the spiritual leader of his family. He often will not go to church with his wife and kids and if he does, he is very passive. Not getting involved, not praying with his wife or kids, not praying at dinner, not guiding his kids spiritually, not asking questions, not reading the Scripture to them. He lets that up to the church or his wife.
  2. Workaholic. This husband sees being a husband simply as providing for the needs of his family. While that is part of being a husband, there is more to it than making money so there is a roof over their head, clothes on their back and food on the table. This type of man is disconnected from the family in some very important ways.
  3. Dictator. This husband uses his role as a way to control and get his way, all the time. It doesn’t matter how he gets his way and it doesn’t matter what happens because he has gotten his way. He just wants his way. Often, he will use Bible verses to get it. This husband will treat his wife and kids as slaves and orders them around. Often, this will lead to physical abuse, which is nowhere near what Paul had in mind in Ephesians 5 when he called men to be the head of their house.
  4. Emotionally detached. This is the husband who is the head of the family in name only. He has nothing to do with his wife, kids. He does not lead them in any form. He simply sits by, dictating when he doesn’t like something, letting his wife take on his role and responsibility and basically do everything he is supposed to do. Emotionally, he does not know how to relate to his and kids. He does not know how to connect to his family, he is distant.
  5. Irresponsible. This is the husband who buys things without consulting his wife, makes decisions on his own and generally puts his family in financial, relational, physical and emotional danger because “He is the head of the house.” This husband sees leadership as a club to get to do what he wants.
5 ways a husband keeps his wife from flourishing & enjoying life (what to do about it).

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If you are married and curious to know how your marriage is in this area, here is a simple question to ask: is the wife flourishing?

When a man fulfills the role God has called him to in marriage, his wife will flourish. She will have room to grow, there will be grace for her to deal with past hurts in her life, she will be able to use her gifts to bless her family and the world around her, she will have freedom to be who God has called her to be.

I often tell our church: Husbands should create an umbrella under which a woman is protected to become the woman God has called her to be.