Tag Archives: United States

Posted on

How You Talk about Your Spouse

by

spouse

Recently I was at a leadership conference and was struck by how the speakers each spoke about their spouse. Some of them spoke highly of their spouse, while others were disparaging, even taking a passive aggressive tone as they told stories about their spouse.

The truth is: How you speak about your spouse dictates what others think about them. 

How you speak about your spouse dictates what others think about them.

Click To Tweet

We don’t often think like this, but it is true. We may vent about our spouse, tell a story that makes them look silly or stupid, or even talk down about them. We think, “I love this person,” and our story stems from there. But the person we’re telling the story to doesn’t love our spouse; they may not even know them.

Consequently, all they know about your spouse is what you say about them.

Two things happen when we talk negatively about our spouse:

  1. We don’t realize the full damage our words are doing.
  2. We know full well the damage our words are creating.

If you have kids, they will look at your spouse and speak to your spouse based on what you say about them. If you put your husband down, talk about how he doesn’t come through, your kids will treat him as such. If you talk about how your wife always nags, is never grateful, your kids will treat her that way and believe that about her.

Where do these words come from?

Often when we speak passive aggressively about anyone, there is truth in it. We are masking our hurt and pain with humor. What this does is keep you from experiencing a truly great relationship with your spouse. When you make fun of your spouse, you miss out on trust, oneness and affection. You will each walk on eggshells around each other, just waiting for the ball to drop on you and to be made fun of, to be cut down.

One of the rules Katie and I have for our marriage is that we will never talk down to each other in public, we won’t make fun of each other in public. I want people who hear a story about Katie to hold her in high regard. I want them to think highly of her like I do. This doesn’t mean that we don’t do things that drive the other person nuts or hurt their feelings. We do. We just deal with them in our marriage.

Whenever I hear a pastor or someone make a snide comment about their spouse in a sermon or a conversation, I think, “Why don’t you just tell your spouse?” It is uncomfortable for everyone else.

Remember: No one will think more highly of your spouse than you do. 

No one will think more highly of your spouse than you do.

Click To Tweet

You are the lid for that. If you have a respect level for your spouse at a five, no one else is passing four.

While this might seem like a small thing, and the idea of not picking on each other may seem like a silly rule, the reality of how many arguments stem from snide comments, passive aggressive comments, mean jokes and stories that make people look stupid has an enduring effect on a relationship.

Here’s how I know.

The next time you are with a couple, and one of them tells a story that makes the other look stupid. Now I’m not talking about a silly story like we went camping and got stuck in the rain, and we’ll laugh about this for the next decade; but one that makes everyone think, “This person is an idiot.” Watch the spouse who the story is about while it is being told and everyone is laughing at them. Watch the life go out of their eyes as they are reminded in front of a group of people, “You aren’t good enough. I can’t believe you did this.”

So, why do we do this to our spouse?

For many, passive aggressive comments and making fun of each other is a love language. A very unhealthy, surefire way to kill a relationship, love language. Many people grew up watching their parents make fun of each other. I know one family that when they get together, all they talk about is stupid things people did in the past and make fun of each other. They do this instead of talking about anything new in their lives, which shows a lot of unhealthiness.

Many couples also don’t know how to have an honest conversation about how they feel, what hurts them, things that drive them nuts that their spouse does. So instead of saying, “I wish you would ask for help, I wish you would say thanks for the things I do,” they nitpick and cut down.

In the end it leaves a lot of couples longing for more and wishing a different way were possible.

There is. Start to think: How do I want people to think about my spouse? And then start talking about your spouse in that light. The irony of this is that people have a way of becoming what we expect them to become. 

Our spouse has a way of becoming what we expect them to become.

Click To Tweet

[Image]

Posted on

Leaders are Not Whiners

by

leaders

“The leader in the system is the one who is not blaming anyone.” -Ed Friedman

If you get a group of pastors together in a room, or leaders of ministry teams, you will often hear complaints. Complaints about working with certain volunteers or staff members, budget cuts, financial difficulties, recruiting or simply the pace and difficulty of ministry and leadership.

This is a good and appropriate place to share those things.

Often, though, I’ll hear pastors or ministry leaders share these same complaints with their churches or people who are not in leadership.

Bottom line, one of the things that separates leaders from non-leaders is leaders are not whiners.

Is leading hard?

Yes.

Did you sign up for it?

Yes.

Did you know leading would be this hard?

No.

Does that matter?

No.

Mainly I’ll hear leaders talk about how difficult their job is. In fact one of our staff members recently visited another church, and the lead pastor spent 20 minutes (20 minutes!) talking about how hard being a pastor was and how hard planting a church was.

Leaders are not whiners.

Click To Tweet

Now being a pastor is hard. Starting a church is hard. Recruiting people, managing people, conflict resolution, budgets, family life and ministry life colliding are all hard.

But if you are a pastor, hear this: Your life is not harder than anyone else’s. Your job is not harder than anyone else’s. It’s just different.

Being a pastor is not the hardest job on the planet; it’s just different.

Click To Tweet

Think for a minute about most church planters and pastors: they have lots of meetings. The people in their church don’t know if they are at Starbucks working on a message, chatting with a leader, reading a book or a blog (thanks for reading this one), working on fantasy football or taking a nap.

Is pastoring hard? Yes. Is it harder than being a plumber? No.

It’s different.

When you as a leader whine about how hard it is, your people roll their eyes and lose respect.

When you as a leader talk about how hard it is to raise money, gain support for a vision or recruit volunteers, you lose their respect. People are attracted to a vision.

Take kids’ ministry. There is always a shortage of team members in kids’ ministry. You could bemoan that fact, or you could cast a compelling vision to people: Most people begin a relationship with Jesus before they turn 18. In fact, if you think about your life, you are still feeling the effects of the choices you made before you were 18. What if you could make an impact for good in the life of a child or student? Steer them away from the mistakes you made and help them find the life God has called them to? Wouldn’t that be awesome?!

How to vision cast to potential kids’ and students’ volunteers.

Click To Tweet

Sign me up.

We’re a portable church, so we have to set up and tear down, and no one likes that job. What if instead of complaining about it, you saw the opportunity to cast a vision: Did you know every week a guest comes to our church, and many of them come because they drove by and saw a sign? Think about how God works. That’s amazing. Not only that, when we set up chairs we don’t just set up chairs. We pray over each of those chairs as we set them up. When I put a Bible on that seat I’m praying for the person who will sit there and maybe for the first time will hear about Jesus and the life he offers. We don’t just set up chairs. We put a chair down so someone can sit down and hear about the life Jesus died and rose from the dead to give them. You can set up chairs anywhere, but we’re part of helping people hear about Jesus. Do you want to do that? I can’t think of a better way to spend my Sunday morning than praying for guests who will hear about Jesus. Can you?

Is it hard? Yes. Do people say yes when you vision cast? Not all the time.

If leadership was easy, everyone would do it.

If leadership was easy, everyone would do it.

Click To Tweet

Related articles
Posted on

How to Find an Executive Pastor

by

executive pastor
Recently I’ve been asked by a number of pastors and church planters how to find an executive pastor. We recently hired one at Revolution, and it seems like every pastor is trying to find one right now.

I think there are some misconceptions about this role, but I also think some leaders try to hire one too quickly. I hear planters with 50 people in their church, and they talk about “their #2 guy” or “their XP.” At this point you don’t need an XP, but what happens when you do? I think there are some specific things you need to look for and be aware of, as well as some things you need to change in your thinking about this crucial but different role on your team.

1. Do you really need this person? Just because everyone else has an XP or a #2 doesn’t mean you need one. How are you wired? Too often I think pastors simply hire people or look for a leader because a podcast they listened to mentioned it. You may be wired to do a lot of things an XP does; you may need someone completely different. The other problem too many young pastors run into is they hire this person and it disconnects them from their church too quickly. This is the pastor with 50 people who has his admin. answer his email.

Is it time to hire an executive pastor?

Click To Tweet

2. Don’t think of him as a pastor or theologian but as a leader. One reason churches don’t have an executive pastor isn’t for lack of desire or need, but because they think in terms of a pastor instead of a leader. Yes this person needs to be a pastor, caring for people, helping and shepherding; that will be a large part of his role. But if he is an effective executive pastor, he will often not be a strong preacher. While some have both gifts, most do not.

A strong executive pastor is more of a leader than a theologian.

Click To Tweet

You are looking for a leader, not a theologian. Don’t confuse the two. Now this person needs to have strong theology, but you get the picture. At least in the camp I run in (Reformed), too many people are looking for that strong theologian with administrative gifts. They do exist, but you are not looking for a preaching pastor.

3. Don’t look for a full-time employee, look for an administrative leader in your church with time. I mentioned last week that business leaders are often the most overlooked people in a church. This role in your church is perfect for them. This is what they were designed to do, to help with budgets, staff oversight, compensation, hiring, systems, etc. However, many of them don’t want to leave their job and work at a church full-time, so don’t make them. Think through what they can do for you in the time they have. What are they gifted to do? I have leaders I turn to that help me with hiring, systems thinking and other administrative tasks, and those are different people.

4. Be specific about what they’ll do. If you want to find and keep someone in this role, you will have to be specific about what they do. They will make you do this if you struggle with it, and this is one reason you need them. Give them clear authority, and let them run with things.

The answer to this one is not to have them do all the things you hate doing. That’s what too many lead pastors think, and a strong executive pastor won’t stand for that.

Think through what success will look like for this person in six months. What will success in your church look like because of this person? How will this person not only add value to the church but also to the team that you have? Will they work well with you and the other leaders already there?

If you want to keep a strong leader, give clear expectations to them.

Click To Tweet

5. Be willing to give up things and defer to them. This right here is why more lead pastors don’t have an executive pastor. Lead pastors by nature like to be in the middle of things. They like to be needed. They started the church so they should know everything.

In bringing this person onto your team, whether full-time or a volunteer, you will have to give up things to this person. You will have to trust this person more than anyone else on your team. (More on that in a minute.)

This person will be a strong leader and will not need you to micromanage them or look over their shoulder. They will keep things from you that you don’t need to know about or be involved in. This is for the good of the church and you, but many pastors aren’t willing to take this step.

6. Know they speak for you. This is a difficult one for many leaders, allowing others to speak for them. People in your church already do this, but you will be empowering someone to communicate decisions, cast vision, keep things moving, and they will be doing it in your place. This means the amount of trust you give to this person is enormous. They will often control the message that gets put out there. This can be a double edged sword, so you must not walk into hiring this person or empowering this leader lightly. If they are doing their job, they will not just be overseeing the budget and writing checks; it will be more powerful than that.

6 things to keep in mind when you hire an executive pastor.

Click To Tweet

Related articles
Posted on

Why You Parent the Way You Do

by

parent

Recently I made a comment on Facebook about babywise and quickly learned that discussing parenting styles on Facebook is akin to talking about global warming and vaccines.

But I learned something in the process, something I didn’t expect.

I learned two things about Christian parents that day and I think it can be incredibly dangerous.

The first, when it comes to parenting, Christians are very relative.

In fact, let me make a bold statement. By and large, most Christian parents care very little about what the Bible says about parenting and what science says about parenting.

Most Christian parents care very little about what the Bible says about parenting.

Click To Tweet

Parenting styles aside for a minute.

There were almost 50 comments on the thread (which I deleted because it hurt my heart and made too angry), but almost every comment started with, “Well for my kid…”

No one ever started a sentence with, “The Bible or scientific research says…” Or, “my goal as a Christian parent because of the Bible is…”

It largely boiled down to what is easiest as a parent.

Now, we couch that in language about how its working for our kids, but I know for years I fell into the parenting trap of what is easiest and most convenient for me.

No Christian would ever say they don’t care what the Bible says about parenting, but many of the ways we parent say otherwise. It doesn’t matter what your parenting style is, how you communicate with your child or how you discipline them. If you are a follower of Jesus, what the Bible says about those things is way more important than what you think works for your child. For the most part, you are guessing at what you think works for your child because you don’t know until it’s over and they’ve moved out. That’s why what the Bible says and what scientific research says is so important.

When it comes to scientific research, I realize some Christians can get weird about that and start to wonder if God was taken out of the picture. While that happens, at the same time, there are incredible discoveries being made about our brains, how we are created and wired and all of that comes from God, whether a Christian discovers that or not. While this might be another blog topic, I think Christians needs to stop fearing science and start seeing how it confirms our Creator and his great plan for us.

The second thing I learned about parents is, we don’t really want to learn anything new. 

Almost no one in the over 50 comments asked, “How did you come to that conclusion? What do you know that I don’t? What books have you read that led you to that?”

Not wanting to learn or be stretched is an incredibly dangerous place to live, but many Christians stay in that zone when it comes to a lot of issues.

Are there things that Christians should reject out of hand without researching? Yes. This is why it matters so much to know what the Bible says about parenting (stay tuned for another post on that).

Now, like the first, no Christian parent would ever say they don’t want to learn. In fact, most feel incredibly inadequate as a parent (I know I do more times than not), but I think in an effort to feel better about ourselves as parents and what we are doing as parents, we shut down anything that might be new because we don’t want to be told we may have been doing the wrong thing.

I know a couple of years ago when we were going through our adoption classes and reading The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family and The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind, all I could think of was “how did we mess this up as parents?” What I learned in those resources and classes had way more to do with how I and Katie parented all of our kids than just how to relate to the kids we adopted.

As a parent who claims to be a follower of Jesus, don’t settle for “this worked for me or my friend.” We have way more wisdom than that out there. What does the bible say about parenting? What are you called to be and do as a parent? That’s where we should start.

Next week I’ll share what I think is the most important question for any parent to answer as it relates to your child. It is the question that shapes our parenting style, the books we read, how we communicate, discipline and teach our kids. It is that big of a deal and most parents never even think about it.

Posted on

5 Reasons Relationships Fall Apart

by

book

Healthy relationships take work. Healthy marriages that people want to stay in don’t just happen. Although we think they do. We think two people magically just work together, never fight, never have an issue or disagreement to work through, but they do.

So, where do things go wrong? How can a friendship that was working so well, a marriage that seemed so right all of a sudden seem all wrong?

Here are 5 ways relationships go from working to broken:

5 reasons marriage stop working.

Click To Tweet

  1. It’s too much work. Healthy relationships take a lot of work. It means being patient, listening, hearing someone out, putting your wants and privileges aside. That’s work.
  2. It’s hurts too much to face their past or do the hard work. As we’ll see later, almost every fight in a relationship is not about what you are fighting about. You are fighting with a past incident, a hurt you haven’t dealt with, a person you see in the person in front of you. They remind you of your dad, your mom, they said words similar to an abuser or someone who you were supposed to trust. Healthy people face their past and in the power of Jesus see it redeemed. Unhealthy people use their past and stay the victim instead of finding healing. This is hard work, this can be incredibly painful. Any argument you have to ask the crucial question, “Are we actually fighting about this? What are we really fighting about? Who am I really fighting with?”
  3. They’re lazy and selfish, they want the other person to do all the work and all the changing. Just like #1, being lazy and selfish in relationships is easy, serving, putting in the work, putting the other person’s needs and wants first takes work. Often too, we want the other person to put in the work to become the healthy person while we stay unhealthy. I’ll hold on to that incident and bring it up whenever it suits me. I’ll remind them of my hurt instead of dealing with my hurt.
  4. They think they are better than their spouse or the other person. Sometimes people are in an unhealthy relationship because they think they are less sinful than the other person. They look down on them. They wouldn’t say this but they hold the other person’s sin in contempt, thinking, “How can they not see that? Why do they struggle with that?” They turn their noses up at the thought of putting in the hard work to reconcile with a spouse or a friend. They will say it is the other person’s fault but deep down, they are the less sinful person they know.
  5. Confuse what reconciliation means. Reconciliation doesn’t mean you are friends with everyone, you might need to protect yourself from an abusive situation, and you may need to protect your kids as well. Reconciliation does mean that you don’t hold it against the person anymore; that you don’t bring up the past, you stop saying, “Remember…?”

So what do you do?

We prefer the absence of conflict to the closeness of intimacy.

Click To Tweet

Be honest. Many people are not honest about their past, about their hurt or even where their marriage or relationship is. Almost on a monthly basis I’ll have a couple tell me, “We never fight.” That’s a lie. They are avoiding relational health when they think this. They are putting off the hard work of changing for a facade of peace.

[Image]

Related articles
Posted on

When You Aren’t in the Mood for Sex

by

mood for sex

At some point, all married couples hit a point in their relationship when sex feels like more of a chore than something they look forward to. Many couples struggle with a difference in desire, how often they want sex and even finding enjoyment in it.

This sets many couples up for fights, a disconnect relationally and frustration. It can open the door to manipulating each other instead of seeking to serve each other. It can open the door for temptation and bitterness as well.

Because life is constantly changing and moving, one month things seem to be going well in the romance and sex department for a couple, they can quickly find themselves angry, let down and frustrated.

What then?

Here are 4 questions to ask and two pieces of advice when you find yourself not in the mood for sex with your spouse:

Here are 4 questions to ask and two pieces of advice when you find yourself not in the mood for sex.

Click To Tweet

1. What is your pace, sleep and diet like? Your diet, sleep and pace affect a lot in your life. When someone says, “I’m too tired for sex” they more than likely are too tired for sex. The older you get, the more kids you have (especially when they are young) this becomes even more important. Make sure you are getting as much as you can, that you are eating well so that your body is refueled and that you are watching your caffeine and alcohol intake. Is this only for sex? No, you should do this to live. I am always amazed at how little we seem to think about how much we sleep, how much we work and what we put into our bodies as it relates to our energy level.

Your diet, sleep and pace affect how much sex you have with your spouse.

Click To Tweet

2. What is your stress level like? Often frustrations come into the bedroom when we have frustrations in other areas of our lives. Too much work and not enough play can be a damaging thing when it comes to relationships. Are you able to disconnect from your work and life while you are at home? One study found that 36% of people check their phones right after sex, which seems crazy. You need to make sure that you are keeping boundaries in your life because they will affect what happens with your spouse in the bedroom if you aren’t careful.

3. How open and honest are you being as a couple? One reason couples see a drop in how often they have sex is because they don’t feel connected as a couple. They are keeping secrets, not sharing their life and when this happens, having sex becomes less of a priority. You aren’t sharing your life and energy for sex and connecting goes down. A simple way to get into the mood is to set the table so to speak. Open up, talk, share about your day. This can be seen as an issue when you fight right before having sex or when things start to get closer to sex. You are shutting down because you feel a lack of emotional connection with your spouse. 

If you don’t connect with your spouse outside of the bedroom, connecting inside goes down.

Click To Tweet

4. How pure are you being? One reason couples don’t have much sex (and it doesn’t get talked about often enough) is that they aren’t being pure. They are looking at porn, emotionally connecting to someone they aren’t married to, reading romance novels or fantasizing about someone other than their spouse so they don’t need their spouse for sexual fulfillment. This is a dangerous place to be. Remember this truth: your sexual relationship is the barometer of your marriage. People argue against this, but it is true. If you find yourself not desiring sex, not having as much sex as you used to or think you should be having, the purity question might be worth exploring.

Now, two pieces of advice when you find yourself not in the mood for sex.

5. Think ahead. This isn’t romantic but often you need to plan sex. Whether that is saying in the morning, “we’ll have sex tonight.” Or, texting your spouse in the middle of the day what you want to do that night, plan it. This can build anticipation, but also helps to make sure it happens. This helps both people let go of stress from the day and get into the mindset for sex.

6. Sometimes you need to bite the bullet. Sometimes, for the good of your relationship, you just need to have sex. You are tired and want to go to sleep, you don’t feel like it, you don’t feel connected, but for the good of your marriage, you should have sex. Now, if this becomes the rhythm of your marriage (ie. you are never in the mood), then I would figure that out. There is more than likely an underlying issue that has yet to be dealt with.

Posted on

10 Questions You Should Ask Your Spouse Regularly

by

married couple

One of the things many married couples fail to do is have regular check-in’s to ask “how are we doing?”

The reasons are obvious: life is busy; your kids, job, church, hobbies all keep you running at an insane pace. You want to believe you are being a great spouse or at a minimum, you are doing good. Sometimes though, having a check-in conversation means you will have a larger conversation that could turn into a fight and who wants that. Another reason is we don’t want to hear if we are failing and not meeting our spouse’s needs. We’d rather live in the world of bliss as if it is all okay.

10 questions every couple should ask on a regular basis.

Click To Tweet

The reality in life though, if you don’t ever have a check-in, evaluation if you will, you will never know if you are doing well. Life becomes a shot in the dark, a blind hope that you are doing well.

Let’s be honest for a minute, if you are married you want your marriage to be as great as possible. I am stunned when I tell couples these questions the look of fear or resignation they have. They are scary, but you want to have the best marriage possible. Right? Right.

In light of that, here are some questions I think you should ask your spouse on a regular basis:

1. Are you satisfied?

Right off the bat, this question can lead to some intense conversations, but that’s okay. You are both adults, you signed up for this. Ask them if they are satisfied, happy. Are you? If not, how can you move towards that. As your spouse answers, don’t fight, don’t argue, simply listen until they are done and then respond “what I hear you saying is…” Don’t get defensive.

Do you know if your spouse is satisfied in your marriage?

Click To Tweet

2. Can I wear something or stop wearing something to be more attractive?

While this sounds like a question only men care about, it isn’t. I once had a sleeveless Adidas shirt that I loved but Katie thought was the most disgusting thing on the planet. She finally just threw it away. But ask this. Be willing to include every article of clothing for both of you. Strive to be attractive to your spouse. If they don’t like a shirt, a color, a pair of underwear, get rid of it. Speaking of underwear, a good rule of thumb is to clean out your underwear drawer on a yearly basis.

A good rule of thumb is to clean out your underwear drawer on a yearly basis.

Click To Tweet

3. What do you like sexually?

I am stunned at how little spouses know about what their spouse likes sexually. We think we know, but especially men are clueless. So are you next date night, while you’re laying in bed, ask your spouse what they like and don’t like sexually. Don’t get defensive. And then when they tell you, maybe try it out.

4. How can I make your life easier? Less stressful?

I wish I could take credit for being a genius of thinking of this question, but I can’t. Katie thought of it. But it was eye opening. Recently at our RevCommunities someone asked about cleaning up the kitchen and Katie said, “Josh will take care of it, he does that every night.” Stunned silence and jaws hit the floor. Then Katie explained this question. Her answer was, “If I could clean up the kitchen each night, load the dishwasher, get coffee ready for her, that would make her life easier when she woke up.” Often, we do things we think will make our spouse’s life easier or less stressful, but it doesn’t. So ask. Wouldn’t you like to do what your spouse would like done instead of guessing?

5. Is there something you wish we did together?

This is a great relational question. Men like to do things together recreationally, that’s a high emotional need for men. It might be watching football together, working out together, gardening, whatever. But doing things together builds into your relationship.

Doing things together builds into your relationship.

Click To Tweet

6. How can I help you right now?

This is similar to #4 but gets at something immediate. You may have young kids and you can help with bedtime or the morning routine. Maybe one of you is in school and could use help. Again, don’t get defensive if you think you are doing this, but this is a great way to serve your spouse.

7. How can I help you get better? At what?

As your kids age and your life changes, this is a great question to ask. This helps you to keep growing and moving forward. One of the things I do on a regular basis is buy Katie books to help her keep growing as a woman spiritually.

8. What is the one thing our family should concentrate on in the next 3 – 6 months?

I love this question because it keeps you as a couple on the same page and moving in the same direction. This goal might be getting out of debt, losing weight, finishing a class, buying a house, starting a business, slowing down. But it helps if you both know and agree on what is the most important thing for your family right now, for the next year.

What is the one thing our family should concentrate on in the next 3 – 6 months?

Click To Tweet

9. What is the next step for us? For our family?

This is a looking ahead question and is incredibly helpful so you can see around corners as a couple. Is school about to start? Are you about to pay off a credit card? What’s next? Is someone about to change a job? While you both know what is coming, we miss opportunities to talk about what will change because of that and how to best be prepared.

10. What do we need to cut out of our lives right now to live at a sustainable pace?

I think you as a couple should pull out your calendars each week and talk about what is coming up. You should also look at the next month(s) and ask “is this sustainable?” Should we slow down? Cut something out?” Too often, we simply keep running and wonder why we’re so tired without changing anything.

10 questions every couple should ask on a regular basis.

Click To Tweet

While not exhaustive, this is a good start. In fact, as your family grows, you get older, kids move out and life changes with new jobs or jobs being quit, you should pull this list out and revisit them as the answers sometimes change.

Posted on

I See You Tried

by

 

Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash

In marriage it is easy to focus on the negative things your spouse does. They didn’t pick up their clothes, they don’t pursue you, they don’t cook the food you like, the whine or complain “about everything.” The list goes on and on. Yet, celebrating when your spouse tries is a secret to a strong marriage.

Think about the last time your spouse put forth effort. Did they clean up the kitchen? Put their clothes or tools away? Did they take a shower and look nice for you? Did they bring home a gift? Pick up groceries without being asked?

What did your spouse do that you can celebrate?

Instead of saying, “Why didn’t you do ___?”

You could say, “Thanks for trying, for putting for effort.”

Celebrate when your spouse puts forth effort.

Click To Tweet

Could they do more?

Yes.

But chances are they won’t if you don’t celebrate what they are doing.

Your attitude and reaction to your spouse has nothing to do with your spouse and everything to do with you.

You choose your reaction to your spouse, your spouse has no control over your reaction.

Click To Tweet

I know, what they did determines your reaction. You can overlook something. You can be disappointed with something. You can cheer something on.

It is your choice.

I remember when we first started doing regular date nights. I was not good at planning them. The romantic in every guy seems to go out the window the moment they get married. Yet, Katie cheered on my effort. I even remember her saying once, “I see you tried. Thanks.” She wasn’t be sarcastic, but she was noticing the effort I put in to pursue her.

What did your spouse do today that you can celebrate instead of pointing out fault? Did they do it exactly how you wanted it done? Maybe not, but they did try. 

Celebrate that.

Posted on

A Simple Way to Connect New People to Your Church

by

unnamed

Every church hopes to have guests come to their church. In fact, many churches spend a lot of money on marketing, invite cards and a host of other things, just to get people to come to their church.

But what happens if they show up?

Too often, the next step isn’t obvious.

If you want people to take a step at your church, make it obvious.

Click To Tweet

Most churches want people to connect to a group, a class or a team. Those are great next steps, but I think those are too big for most people.

At Revolution, our next step from a worship service is going to a newcomer’s lunch. A simple way to find out more information, get to know the leaders and other new people. Free food, free childcare and no commitment.

When I talk with pastors, they often talk about how they will do that when they think they have enough new people.

We’ve been doing newcomer’s lunches for over 3 years and would schedule them sporadically. Recently, we’ve made the move to have them each month: the 3rd Sunday of every month.

How to connect new people in your church.

Click To Tweet

Whether you choose to do a dessert or a lunch, here are a few things to make them successful:

  1. Schedule them regularly. People should always be four weeks away from the next one at the most. That way if someone misses one, another is on its way. I actually had someone tell me they hadn’t gotten plugged in because they were waiting for our next lunch (this was when we did them quarterly). That was one reason we moved them to each month. Each week we say, “if you are new to Revolution and are not in a missional community or on a team, your next step is to come to a newcomer’s lunch.” There is no doubt what their step is.
  2. Choose a great host. There are people in your church with the gift of hospitality, who love to open their home and serve people that way. Let them use their gifts. We started by doing them at my house but found this was a way better option, that way the leaders can focus on the people while the hosts focus on the details.
  3. Have great food and childcare. Don’t skimp here. Whether you get it catered, have someone cook it or simply serve dessert, make it great. You are communicating value to your guests and newcomer’s. Childcare is important so the adults can hear what you want them to hear instead of having to hold their kids.
  4. Talk about yourself personally, not just the church. While people want to hear stories of the church, where it came from, beliefs, etc. they want to hear about you. The people who care about beliefs or the church’s story have already read them on the website. At this point, they are asking, “Do I like the pastor?” People tell me every month they are blown away that they get to meet our leaders and have lunch with them. This also helps if you are more of an introvert (like me) to sit in a smaller group and talk.
  5. Make sure new people meet other new people. We talked about doing away with the newcomer’s lunch and doing something right after the service, but felt like that would’ve been an information dump and would miss this crucial element: new people meeting other new people. They are all in the same boat, they are all checking out your church, they don’t know a lot of people and this helps to create natural community and friendships.
  6. Share their next step from the lunch. Have a clear and obvious next step from the lunch and help get them in it. Not everyone wants to, but for those that do, they should leave your lunch with the information they need to join a group or a team or whatever is next for them. If you miss this last step, you will still have people falling through the cracks.
Related articles
Posted on

What Kind of Preacher are You?

by

preacher

There are all kinds of preachers out there. If you preach every week, you probably gravitate towards a certain style that you like to listen to and a style that you have personally. There are times that you will move in and out of styles on a weekly basis and sometimes within the same sermon, but you will by and large live within a certain style.

Which kind of preacher are you?

Click To Tweet

Here are a few I’ve seen:

  • The prophet. This is the in your face, yelling preacher. This one is often angry and typically reformed. There are times this is necessary in a sermon and some churches need to hear this style of preaching. Sin is confronted and not sugar coated.
  • The apologist. This is often the preacher that is filled with a list of facts, data and historical information to show the truth of Christianity. They are most comfortable when they are giving a lecture that feels like a class.
  • The evangelist. This is the preacher that is always about evangelism, always about making a choice to follow Jesus.
  • The inspirer. This is the preacher that hopes you’ll leave with new information, make a change in your life, maybe even take a step to follow Jesus. You will feel good after this sermon and feel like you can do anything.
  • The comforter. When you hear a preacher like this, you just feel like you got a warm hug.
  • The storyteller. This is the preacher that has a story for everything and is always telling stories.
  • The guilt ridden. This is the preacher that when you walk out you feel like you are the most horrible person on the planet.

I’m sure there are more styles, but you get the picture.

What is interesting about each style is that they usually have parts of the Bible connected to them. The evangelist hangs in Romans or the gospels. The comforter is always in Psalms or the gospels. The prophet can’t get enough of the letters of Paul.

This matters for a pastor because each one has his sweet spot. When a pastor gets out of that, he will need to prepare differently. For me, I find preaching from the Old Testament or Paul’s letters easy to do, the gospels are a challenge for me. I have good friends who are different. What happens if a pastor isn’t careful is they will preach only what they are comfortable with, so it matters to know what your style is.

You also need to know so that you can find other communicators not like you to help you grow or bring into your church.