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One of the struggles many of us face in spiritual growth is not knowing what it means to grow and mature. We have all kinds of ideas and focus on all kinds of things, but we often spin our wheels because we go after the wrong ones.

In Titus 2, Paul not only lays out for Titus the intergenerational relationships and what mentoring can look like, but also what it means to grow as a follower of Jesus, depending on your age. He looks at older men, older women, younger women, and younger men.

And while everything he writes can apply to everyone, regardless of age or gender, he brings up things that people in those age brackets tend to struggle with more than others.

First, older men. Paul says that Older men are to be self-controlled, worthy of respect, sensible, and sound in faith, love, and endurance (Titus 2:2). 

They are to be Self-controlled or sober-minded. This is the idea of clear, level-headed thinking. Everyone struggles with self-control, as we’ll see, this will be a theme in Titus 2. Being able to make wise decisions and control yourself, or to be free from all forms of excess or life-dominating patterns. 

They are to be Worthy of respect or Dignified. Meaning they carry themselves in a respectful way. In many ways, they act their age. They are not trivial, frivolous, or superficial. They are 50 and not trying to be 25 or recapturing the glory days. 

They are to be Sensible. Meaning they are striving to be self-disciplined, self-restrained in all of their passions and desires, and able to keep their lives on track. They handle their finances, aren’t controlled by substances, porn, money, or their job.

They are to be Sound in faith, love, and endurance. If you are an older man who has been walking with Jesus for a while, you should be mature and continue to grow in maturity. So you’ve seen God work and answer prayers, so the things that make newer believers stumble are just speed bumps for you because of the faith you have. You have a list of prayers God has answered, and times you were at the end of your rope when he came through, so your confidence is not easily shaken.

Let’s pause and ask a heart question: Are you a person of self-control, worthy of respect, sensible, and sound in faith, love, and endurance?

What older Christian men are to be.
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Paul then moves to older women in the church. He says, they are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not slaves to excessive drinking (Titus 2:3). 

Reverent. Older women are worthy of respect and honor in their actions, words, attitudes, and the way they carry themselves.  She is someone people respect and hold in high regard for her character, not her accomplishments.

Not slanderous. Not prone to gossip, speaking behind someone’s back. They don’t listen to gossip; they don’t take prayer requests that are gossip. Obviously, in this church, older women were sitting around talking about other people. A mature follower of Jesus is not known for gossiping; she is trustworthy and will not be party to division.

Not slaves to excessive drinking. In this culture, many women were slaves to alcohol as a way to numb life and forget about things. The same can happen in our culture. And not just with wine, but also with food, romance novels, sleeping, and working out. Anything to numb the pain or forget about things or to escape.

Let’s stop and ask again: Are you a person who is reverent in behavior, not a slanderer, not slaves to excessive drinking?

How older Christian women are to carry themselves.
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Paul then tells these first two groups how they are to interact with younger men and women. 

Older women are to teach what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands and to love their children, to be self-controlled, pure, workers at home, kind, and in submission to their husbands, so that God’s word will not be slandered (Titus 2:3 – 5).

Teach them to love their husband and children. In our culture, love can be fleeting; it comes and goes. We often see it as a feeling we fall into, but love is a choice, not an emotion. 

Teach younger women to love their husbands and children. 

Why?

Because they won’t feel like it every day, your romantic love for your husband and children will wane, sometimes daily. You will have to choose to love them continually.

We will all grow old, and our looks will change. Over time, the other person’s habits that annoy you will continue.

Love them in a way that communicates love to them, not the way you want love communicated to you. Too many people think, I have the love language of quality time, so everyone wants to spend quality time with people. No, they don’t. Not everyone feels love from a gift, even if you do. Cultivate a love for your husband that doesn’t just sacrifice, but is affectionate, believes the best, respects him, and admires him.

They are to be self-controlled and pure. self-controlled. Here it is again. Do you see the theme?!

She is sober-minded, clear-thinking, not driven by emotions, and level-headed. Composed in her life and relationships. She is pure and modest in her appearance, in how she carries herself. Too many women dress as if they want men to lust after them, while many women want that visual attention from men, it also reveals, many times, a dissatisfaction in their hearts.

The way you dress communicates who you are, how you see yourself, and ultimately, how you believe God sees you. 

To work at home and be kind, in submission to their husbands. Paul is not saying that a woman is to confine herself to her house as a prisoner. To be barefoot and pregnant all the days of her life. He is not saying that she is supposed to do whatever her husband wants. He is saying where her focus should be in life. 

In this church, the men and women were out of their houses, obviously lacking self-control and drinking, and not raising their families and discipling their kids. 

It is easy for men and women to chase things that don’t matter, to sacrifice their most important relationships for things that aren’t eternal. In our culture, a husband or kids can get in the way of a woman’s dreams. She may feel claustrophobic and like she gave up things for her husband and kids. Chances are, you did. 

Part of the gospel witness is recognizing the value of the sacrifices you make as a wife and mom. This doesn’t mean your husband shouldn’t make sacrifices. 

Are you a person who loves your husband and loves their children? Are you self-controlled, pure, workers at home, kind, and in submission to your husbands, so that God’s word will not be slandered?

What younger Christian women are to be.
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Finally, the younger men: In the same way, encourage them to be self-controlled in everything. Make yourself an example of good works with integrity and dignity in your teaching. Your message is to be sound beyond reproach, so that any opponent will be ashamed, because he doesn’t have anything bad to say about us (Titus 2:6 – 8).

Self-controlled. This has shown up a couple of times. It is obviously a big deal to Paul, but also something most of us and this church struggle with. 

Be self-controlled in everything. What is included in everything? Everything!

Your finances, desires, actions, reactions, self-control of your words, your anger and emotions, calendar, and pace of life. Not carried away in the moment. They control themselves financially, sexually, emotionally, relationally, educationally, career-wise, as a parent, in a marriage, recreationally, and spiritually. They control themselves in eating and drinking.

Self-controlled in what? Everything he says. 

Make yourself an example of good works, not evil, not violent, a fighter, they do not abandon anyone, especially a wife and children. An example means people can point to you and say, “You should be like him when you grow up. Model yourself after him.” Can people say that of you? Or do they hope their sons don’t grow up to be like you?

Integrity, purity, keep their word, they can be counted on, purity of mind, and their eyes.

Dignity in your teaching: not unfaithful, perverse, can hold their head high, they have character. In chapter 1, Paul says they know their bible. 

What you say is above reproach or Sound speech. not lying, deceiving, not hurtful, kind, encouraging. They do not make fun of their spouse or tear them down. They don’t tear others down. 

Let’s pause and ask: Are you self-controlled in everything? Are you making yourself an example of good works with integrity and dignity in your teaching?

How younger Christian men are to live.
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All of us follow people. Whether they are bosses, parents, pastors, podcasters, or sports heroes. Everyone has someone in their life that they follow.

Rarely do we step back and ask, “Is this person worth following?”

Too often, we take advice from or listen to people we shouldn’t.

But connected to this is another question: “Are you someone worth following?”

Someone is following each of us. We are influencing those around us, whether we realize it or not. The words we say, the way we react, and the things we post and like on social media all influence those who follow us.

And at its most basic level, this is what leadership is: Influence.

Leadership is influence.
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You can influence others for good or bad, towards healthy or unhealthy ends. Other people can influence you for good or bad, towards healthy or unhealthy ends.

You can influence others for good or bad, towards healthy or unhealthy ends. Other people can influence you for good or bad, towards healthy or unhealthy ends.
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This is why, when the Bible talks about leadership and influence, it spends the majority of its time talking about the character of the person, who that person is, and who that person is becoming. In our day and age, though, character isn’t what gets people noticed; it is charisma.

But as Carey Nieuwhof says, “Charisma will get you in the room, but character will keep you in the room.”

Charisma will get you in the room, but character will keep you in the room. -Carey Nieuwhof
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When the apostle Paul, in particular, writes to Titus and Timothy about the kinds of people who should be leaders in the church, the kinds of people whom somebody should be following, he focuses almost exclusively on character and who they are, not what they do. 

He says they should be above reproach, faithful in their relationships, and mature in their faith. 

Let’s start with above reproach. 

Above reproach means to be above question. Not perfect, but to strive to live in such a way  that when someone says, “I heard so-and-so did _____.” Their character would cause people to say, “That doesn’t sound like him or her.” 

Having a character that is above question. Why? Because character matters more than charisma.

The kind of leaders the church should have, the kind of people you and I listen to, should be above reproach. 

They aren’t perfect. All leaders are sinners in need of grace. But above reproach means that we confess those sins, and we strive to live in holiness. 

It means we are committed to letting the teachings of Scripture shape the words we say and the way we live. 

Paul gives examples of what blameless means: not arrogant, not hot-tempered, not an excessive drinker, not a bully, not greedy for money, but hospitable, loving what is good, sensible, righteous, holy, self-controlled (Titus 1:7 – 8). 

Ask yourself about the people you listen to, who influence your faith, politics, health, and relationships. Are they arrogant? Hot-tempered, excessive drinkers? Bullies? Greedy for money? Are you these things? 

The next is faithful in their relationships. 

An elder is the husband of one wife and has faithful children who are not accused of wildness or rebellion. An elder is a one-woman man, a one-man woman. They are faithful to their spouse in word, deed, thought, action, and reaction. 

Are the people you listen to faithful in their most important relationships?  Are you?

Think about the people you get advice from. Is faithfulness in relationships a value? Or is survival of the fittest? Is cheating okay? Encouraged? 

For our culture, faithfulness is not a value; selfishness is. 

For our culture, faithfulness is not a value; selfishness is.
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Then Paul says they have faithful children. Paul wants to keep in front of them. If you are a parent, you are your child’s primary disciplemaker. 

The church isn’t the primary disciplemaker for children; the parents are. 

The church isn’t the primary disciplemaker for children; the parents are.
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This doesn’t mean a leader must be married or have children. But if they do, this becomes a proving ground. 

Why?

The reason Paul uses marriage and family as qualifications for influence and leadership is that our closest relationships are where we see the real us.

The reason Paul uses marriage and family as qualifications for influence and leadership is that our closest relationships are where we see the real us.
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It is where you are most comfortable. The family is where your character is proven. 

What is the environment of your home? Is it open and hospitable? How is that being hospitable if you never have people in your home? 

Finally, they are to be mature in their faith. 

We would expect this on a list of influence and maturity in the Bible. But many of us do not expect our leaders to have mature faith. 

In the list in 1 Timothy 3, Paul says they can’t be a recent convert, they can’t be a new follower of Jesus. 

Why?

They are new to their faith. That doesn’t mean they can’t be used by God or do things for God, but it does mean they should mature and grow more before stepping into certain formal leadership roles in a church. 

A mature faith has depth; they have walked with Jesus through highs and lows, mountains and valleys. 

This is important: There is a difference between being a mature follower of Jesus and someone who has followed Jesus for decades; they aren’t always the same thing. 

There is a difference between being a mature follower of Jesus and someone who has followed Jesus for decades; they aren’t always the same thing.
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Too often, we have the wrong definition of maturity. 

In some churches, it is the person with the most bible knowledge, that isn’t maturity, that’s part of maturity. It isn’t the person who is the loudest or the strongest leader. 

Among other things, maturity comes from testing your faith, walking through the valleys of life, and holding on to Jesus, not being swayed by the crowd or by difficulty. 

Maturity comes from testing your faith, walking through the valleys of life, and holding on to Jesus, not being swayed by the crowd or by difficulty.
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Look at what Paul says is maturity: He must hold firmly to the trustworthy message as it has been taught…They claim to know God, but by their actions they deny him. They are detestable, disobedient, and unfit for doing anything good (Titus 1:9, 16). 

Hold firmly to the message that was taught to you. 

Their actions will not deny Jesus. 

They are not detestable, disobedient, or unfit. 

Let’s recap: Are the people that you listen to and who influence you above reproach, faithful in their relationships, and mature in their faith? Are you becoming that person?

The post Becoming a Person Worth Following appeared first on JoshuaReich.org.

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The first meeting of any group or team is crucial. It sets the tone for the rest of the season or time for that group. The same is true for starting a new small group or Bible study at your church. Whether it is a class meeting at church or a group meeting in your home, it matters to start on the right foot. 

With that in mind, here are a few ideas for small group leaders as they start a new group or a new season of a group:

6 ideas to start a small group on the right foot at your church.
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1. Pray for your group members. I know you do this, but pray for each of them by name, asking God to use your group to meet each person and for each person to speak to the whole group. This is an incredible opportunity to not only help people experience community but to take their next step in their spiritual journey. Pray expectantly, knowing that the Holy Spirit loves to answer our requests to help us become more like Jesus.

2. Contact each of them to let them know the details of the group. A simple welcome text or email to let them know when and where you will be meeting, if you are eating a meal or having snacks, and encourage them to bring their Bibles. Also, let them know any expectations you have as the leader, especially if you are meeting at your house. This contact is a tone-setting contact, so be excited and cheerful as you get started!

3. Read through the passage you will be discussing. One of the most essential parts of being a group leader is to read the passage and the questions you will be discussing. You don’t need to get to all the questions, and you might have some of your own after listening to the sermon. Use whatever helps your group to engage best with the passage from Sunday. Our church discusses the sermon, which is a simple way to keep us all on the same page and moving as one.

4. Use the story cards to start each week. Story cards are a simple way to get people talking each week. They are cards with a photo on them, and we use them by asking people to pick a card that answers a question.

As people answer, they will inevitably start to tell a story or give more explanation. You can also ask them why they chose that card to help encourage them. We have found story cards to be an effective way to promote conversation, as using a photo to share something is often easier than answering a question about three interesting facts about yourself. 

Simply lay out the cards on a table each week you use them, along with a question, and have people grab a card. We use the cards each week in the groups we lead and would encourage you to do the same. 

Here are some other questions you can use: 

• What card describes your spiritual journey right now? You can use this question often because our spiritual journeys are changing. 
• What is one word that describes your summer? Why did you choose that word?
• Which card describes your summer or childhood, middle school, high school, or college season of life, etc.?
• Which card describes how you see God?
• Which card describes your prayer life right now?

5. Share evidence of God’s grace. I mentioned in a sermon how each week, when we lead a group, we go around the table and ask people to share times and places where they saw God working in their lives. These can be small ways or big ways, answers to prayers, God’s provision, healing, or an opportunity to share the gospel with someone. The goal is to help your group see how God is at work all around them. This is a simple way to set the tone of your group, and even if only one person shares, it is a reminder that God is at work, even if you don’t see it.

6. Leadership is a marathon. While the first meeting is important, it is just one of many. Chances are, you will lead a group with many of these people for years to come. There will be highs and lows. There will be nights where the discussion flows and others where it is a slog. Don’t get discouraged. Remember that leading a group is a marathon and that our journey to become more like Christ is a lifetime journey. God is going to use you in mighty ways, so keep your hands open and ask for eyes ot see what the Spirit of God is doing.

6 things to remember when you start a small group.
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At some point in your leadership as a pastor, you will have a staff member, elder, deacon or volunteer resign and say, “I’m done.” It might happen suddenly, as if out of nowhere. It might be mutually a good idea. It may be hard to accept, or it may be a hidden blessing. Regardless of the situation, there are some things you can do to honor them, communicate it in a way that benefits both the person leaving and the organization, and move forward.

Many churches struggle in this area because there is the balancing act of sharing what happened behind closed doors, honoring the person who is leaving, and answering questions people might have who weren’t involved. What makes churches even more challenging than a secular company is the reality of “being the family of God.” How do you fire someone who is part of the family? Because of this, the feelings involved become complicated very quickly. Churches usually either act completely like a public company and use an NDA, or they hold on to someone too long. 

Regardless, at some point, you will have someone resign or you will have to let someone go. 

Here are 8 ideas to navigate that so that it can be helpful for you as the leader, for the person leaving, and for your church: 

8 things to do when a staff member quits.
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1. Find out the whole story from the person. When people leave a situation, they tend not to tell the entire story. They will often tell their boss or ministry leader only what they’re comfortable sharing or what they think the other person wants to hear. Do as much as you can to find out exactly what happened and why they are leaving. Find out what is underneath things and keep digging. This will help you to learn as a leader if you did something wrong or if there is something unhealthy in your church. Avoid simple Christian clichés if possible; instead, ask them to explain it. Too often in these situations, because they are difficult, people in a church environment hide behind “God told me, God is moving me,” etc.

They might not be willing or able to share the whole story with you as their boss, and that is okay. Don’t pressure them. But ask curious questions and listen. Hidden in their frustration or hurt might be some things that you, as a leader, need to learn or things your church needs to face.

2. Honor them and what they’ve done publicly as much as possible. The person leaving has done a lot for your church, whether you want to admit it or not. Even though it is difficult and hurts, honor them. They’ve meant something to you, your church, and others. Honor them. Thank them. Give people a chance to say thank you. People care deeply about how much you honor someone. This gives you an opportunity to demonstrate to others how your church treats people. Someday, your church may treat you the way you treat leaders who have transitioned out of their roles.

As people come up to you, the pastor staying, and share with you how much that person meant to them, or share their frustration and hurt at leaving, don’t get jealous or angry. The ability to differentiate your emotions in this moment is incredibly important.

3. Say what only needs to be said publicly. If sin is involved, relational strife, poor job performance or anything else that is difficult, you don’t need to put that out there. I’m not suggesting that you lie or take an arrow for someone else’s sin or stupidity; you just don’t need to share everything with them. Each situation will dictate what you say. Over the years in the churches I’ve worked in, we’ve had people leave on their own, staff members we’ve let go, had elders or staff members who disqualified themselves, and because each situation is different, it has changed what we said publicly. If the person leaving is not a well-known on-stage figure in the ministry, don’t bring them on stage to say goodbye. Discuss it in the places where this person has touched and affected others.

This one is hard because no matter what you say publicly, it will not be enough for someone in your church. Do your best if you can to answer those questions personally. I always do my best to meet with anyone who wants to meet with me to answer questions in these situations. You should include another leader or elder with you so that you don’t miss something, and that person can also help you navigate your emotions in these meetings. 

What to say and not say publicly during pastoral transitions.
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4. Publicly, focus on the future. When you make the public announcement and have thanked the person or explained what happened, spend as much time as possible focusing on the future and how things will not fall apart. I would say in the “official” announcement, you need to spend 80% of the time on the future. Show people that you are moving forward, and the ministry or church will survive.

This might feel callous to those who were close to the person leaving. And that is real and an important feeling. 

Depending on the person, there is also a whole segment of your church that will shrug when someone leaves. As the leader, you are balancing both of these feelings and thoughts.

5. Be honest publicly and privately. As a pastor, don’t lie. Every fact doesn’t need to be shared, but don’t lie. In private, don’t make things up, don’t bash the person. Have one person you are venting to if it’s a difficult situation, who is speaking into your heart on the situation, but don’t have a team of people you are venting to.

Also, as the leader, you should have someone who loves you who is giving you feedback on your ability to hear what others are saying, how you are responding, and how you are coming across.

6. Honor them financially. Whatever the situation, you are called to shepherd them and care for them. Go above and beyond financially in terms of salary and insurance. Once, we relocated a pastor who had been with us for three months back to Indiana. He wasn’t a fit, and everyone knew it quickly, and they had just moved, so we felt the honorable thing was to move them back to where they came from. Sometimes you give months of salary and benefits, sometimes you give a week. Again, it depends on the situation. One rule of thumb I’ve used is: if this became public, what would people think of us and how we’ve handled this, and what we gave the person? Another way to think about it is, would I want the same treatment I am giving this person?

Again, you are a church and not a business. So while some business principles might apply here, you also need to handle things differently. You need to steward things for your church. 

How long should staff transitions take in a church? The answer might surprise you.
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7. Create a transition plan as quickly as possible. Don’t wait to decide what is next for the ministry. Grieve what is happening, find out the story, and start on a plan. Don’t wait around. If you are the lead pastor or the leader of a ministry area, take the lead and get this done. People will want to know the ship is being steadied and you are moving forward.

Transitions are the seasons when people can leave your church, momentum can be lost, or it can be a moment to move in a new direction and experience new energy and vision.

8. Transition them as quickly as possible. This last one will seem unloving because it is a church environment. When someone says, “I’m done,” they’ve likely been feeling that way for weeks or possibly months; they’ve just now verbalized it. This means their passion is gone, their calling is gone, and they are done. Getting them out of their role as quickly as possible, in the long run, is the best thing for them and the ministry. Staying around for 3-12 months doesn’t benefit anyone. Make a plan, honor them, take care of them, and move them on as quickly as possible.

How to handle staff transitions in a church.
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These situations are sticky, and they are all different. As a leader, you will walk through this too many times to count. Each one hurts. They are people you’ve invested in, loved, cared for, and worked with, and watching them leave always feels personal. You either feel like you did something wrong, missed signs, hired the wrong person, or were lied to or let down. Grieve the situation. Learn as much as you can and move forward to become better and resolve the situation.

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Four years ago, my wife Katie and I and our five kids loaded up and moved across the country from Arizona to Massachusetts. We spent 15 years in Arizona planting a church and as a teaching pastor at a large church. 

Recently, in an Overseed cohort, the conversation turned to leading change in a New England church and the challenges that come with that. In that conversation, I reflected on some differences between Arizona and New England and how they impact church leadership. Afterward, Jim asked if I’d share some things I’ve learned about New England culture as someone new. 

As pastors and leaders, we must be observant and think like cultural missionaries. What makes a culture tick? What makes even the different states of New England so different? Connecticut is not like Maine. Rhode Island and Massachusetts are not the same. 

The reality is that all cultures are different. Often, we think that every part of America is the same since we are all one country. But I don’t think we can overlook the impact of regions and states, especially as pastors. In my doctoral research, one of the books I read was American Nations: A History of the Eleven Rival Regional Cultures of North America. In it, the author talks about how the founding of different states and regions of our country still impacts our world today. 

When you think about New England, the people who founded it were the people who stayed. The rest of the country had to keep moving west. Many people who live in New England today were born in New England and their families have been here for generations. The number of people I’ve met in New England who can trace their family to the Mayflower is astounding.  My guess is this is one reason change in New England churches is so tricky. In Arizona, you rarely meet someone who is from Arizona. Many people move west looking for something, on some kind of search. When I met someone new to Arizona and asked what brought them west, they often said something like, “I’m trying to find myself. I’m looking for something, but I don’t know what.” 

Because people in Arizona are on some kind of search, it created an openness to friendships and community and an opportunity to step into new opportunities. In New England, many people have had the same friend group from kindergarten. This can be helpful, but it also makes it a challenge for someone new to a church to step into a community, especially if they aren’t from that town. We framed things in Arizona around finding something: finding Jesus, finding friends, finding purpose. This made sense because of the underlying search people were on. In New England, there is not that same sense of searching, even among those who have it. They feel like they should know it already, have found it, or that life is what it is. 

One reason for this feeling is something that makes New England unique: the number of schools and colleges in the region. This emphasis has a significant impact on ministry. Depth, knowledge, etc., are a big part of following Jesus and being a disciple in New England. 

When we moved here, our kids were some of the only new people at their public high school. As I’ve gotten to know people, I’ve learned that there is a strong sense of identity around where you are from in New England. Someone told me that if you aren’t born in Maine, you can’t ever say you are from Maine. This creates loyalty in people but makes it difficult to break into the community or welcome someone new. Many people who move into New England feel on the outside looking in. When one of the pastors at our church left, I was in the meeting where he told his volunteers, and one of them said, “I love you and will miss working with you, but I was here before you, so I figured I’d be here after you.” I sat there and thought, that perfectly sums up New England. 

The post A Few Things I’ve Learned About New England Churches appeared first on JoshuaReich.org.

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If you get a group of Christians together and ask them what the Bible teaches about sex or what they think about sex, you will probably get predictable answers. Some won’t know what the Bible teaches. Others will talk about the restrictions the Bible has about sex. 

Many Christians speak about sex in very hushed tones, guarded or even embarrassed about it if they speak about it at all. Many churches act like it is a topic they won’t talk about unless it is homosexuality. 

Before preaching on the Song of Songs at my church, when I told people we were preaching through it, I got looks of surprise. Several had no idea what was in it. Often, Christians want to make it a metaphor for Christ and the church, and while that is part of what the Song of Songs teaches us, it teaches us so much more. 

And I think it is one of the most relevant books in the Bible because so many people in the church and outside of the church are confused when it comes to sexuality and what the Bible actually teaches. 

What should Christians think about sex?
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I looked at a popular pastor’s website out of curiosity. This pastor preaches through books of the Bible. In his ministry career, he has preached through every book except one.

The Song of Songs.

Why?

The Song of Songs is just as inspired as the book of Romans!

The Song of Songs is just as inspired as the book of Romans.
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By and large, Christians don’t know how to enjoy sex in the way God created it.

We know how to corrupt it, we know how the culture thinks about it, and so we either run the other direction (don’t enjoy it, don’t explore with your spouse, never talk about it with your kids) or we simply give in to the culture and live like them (adultery, sleeping around, porn, selfishness, sex as a weapon.)

Neither one of those is a good option or even a biblical one.

The Song of Songs shows us what marriage is supposed to be like. Spouses who adore each other, pursue each other, serve each other, seek to please and pleasure each other, all for the good of their marriage. Spouses who complement each other and know what the other likes and dislikes and then use that information to make the other happy.

Our culture, from broken homes, divorce, adultery, and porn, has no idea what sex is supposed to be like. Sex is seen as a weapon to get your way, so women wield it with power in their relationships. Many wives operate from the perspective of: I’ll give you my body, but only as I manipulate you to do what I want.

One of the other struggles our culture has is that our sexual identity has become the trump card and the most important thing about who we are. That is not what the Bible teaches, and when we make that the trump card, we limit ourselves to simply who we are sexually and what we do sexually. We then have a broken image of ourselves and see our value only through the lens of sex. This isn’t surprising when we think about how prevalent porn is.

Your sexual identity is not the most important thing about you.
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The Bible, particularly the Song of Songs, shows us that sex within marriage is not only to be celebrated, enjoyed, and gratifying, but it is also an act of worship to God.

The reason Christians often take the stance they do on sex within marriage (seeing it as dirty, a chore, or prudish about it) is that it is the easy stance to take. To have a healthy view of sexuality will often mean dealing with past addictions, past hurts, past abuse, and body image issues, and all of those are in places we push down, pretend are not there, and try to move forward from without dealing with them.

Sex, intimacy, and affection are the barometer of your marriage.

Sex, intimacy, and affection are the barometer of your marriage.
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If you want to know the health of your marriage, where you are in dealing with past hurts, and how you and your spouse are pursuing each other, simply look at your view of sexuality and intimacy: how intimate you are (sharing your hurts, dreams, joys, and secrets; how open you are), and your affection. I would add how often you are connecting sexually, but that is very nuanced as it relates to the season of life, parenting, and health issues. But if you find yourself pulling away from your spouse for any reason, those are things to pay attention to. 

If you pay attention to those things, you will probably know everything you need to know about the health of your marriage.

Why you should preach through the Song of Songs.
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After spending the last 9 weeks walking through the Song of Songs, I can tell you it is a worthwhile series to do at your church. 

The number of conversations I have had with people young and old, dating, married, single, divorced, and widowed, has been incredible. As you look at what you think of sex, dating, intimacy, and relationships, you uncover a lot that you grew up believing, things your family of origin shaped, and some things you need the cross to reshape and redeem. 

It is a risky series to do. 

I often talk to pastors afraid to step into it because they don’t want to alienate someone in their church. This is a real thing, and it takes a lot of effort to speak to everyone when you are talking about relationships. 

But I also think the reason many pastors don’t preach through this book is that they haven’t navigated the things that will come up in the series in their own marriages. Preaching through the Song of Songs places a massive mirror on the pastor’s life and marriage, which is good and scary at the same time.

The post Lessons After Preaching Through the Song of Songs appeared first on JoshuaReich.org.

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Have you ever met someone for coffee only to have them show up late? Have you ever gone to a meeting that was supposed to start at 6 p.m. but started closer to 6:20? Have you ever gone to a church service that was supposed to start at 9 a.m. but started closer to 9:13?

It’s frustrating, disrespectful, and hinders one’s influence in life. And this isn’t just leadership; even comedians get this. 

Here are three things that being on time shows:

3 reasons you should never be late.
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What does being on time show to you and those around you?

1. It shows respect to the person you are meeting with (and their time). When you’re late, you communicate, “I’m more important than you.” You would never say this, but being late can be an attempted power play. It shows a lack of care for the other person because it says, “Your time isn’t as valuable as my time, and what you have after this isn’t as important as this is.” You can’t make that decision.

How being on time affects your leadership and influence.
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2. It shows you are self-disciplined. Being late (even though it will happen sometimes) often indicates you need to be more disciplined. Your previous appointment went long, so tell the person you will be late. Nothing is more frustrating than waiting for someone late and not knowing when they will be there. So let the person know.

But being on time means you have planned your day; you know how long a drive or meeting will take. It also means you keep meetings on track and don’t allow a 30-minute meeting to become a 90-minute.

3. It shows you have your priorities in line. As a leader or a person who wants to have influence, your priority is people. Wasting their time by being late shows your priorities are out of line. It also shows you think more highly of yourself than the other person.

3 reasons being late hinders your influence.
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Now, let’s apply all of these to a church.

3 reasons you lose influence as a church when you start a service late.
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Why? So many churches and church plants don’t start on time. When we first began Revolution (the church in Tucson), it was 10 a.m., and the only people in the auditorium were myself, the band, and the tech team. Our worship leader looked at me and said, “Do we start?” I thought briefly and said, “Yep, we start on time.”

Whether or not your church begins on time communicates different things. 

1. It shows respect to the people who came (and their time). Time is important in our culture, and we don’t like it when someone else wastes our time. For a church, you want to communicate to guests (and they are usually on time) that you will respect their time. This communicates that we will respect you. It communicates care and respect to the kids’ workers because churches that start late often go late, which is a fast way to lose them. 

Pastors often think, “We are supposed to start at 10, but most people don’t show up until 10:10, so we’ll start at 10:12.” Here’s what you just told everyone in your church: “We start at 10:12, so come then.” Which means they’ll show up at 10:20.

2. It shows you are disciplined. A lot happens on a Sunday morning, and it is easy to fall behind schedule or start late, especially if you are a portable church. This means that to start on time, you need systems to ensure things get done on time and aren’t stressful. Are some mornings stressful? Yes. Do things break and fall apart? Yes. But that shouldn’t be the norm.

3. It shows you have your priorities in line. Again, people are your priority, and if you, as a church, care about their time, whether they are guests, members, or volunteers, you communicate care to them. When you don’t prioritize time, you communicate you don’t care.

6 ways to grow your influence through how you use time.
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The post Why Being on Time Matters in Life & Leadership appeared first on JoshuaReich.org.

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One of the things you hear people say throughout life is being in “the right place at the right time.” There is a lot of truth to that regarding life, relationships, finances, etc. 

It also applies to leadership and pastoral ministry in significant ways. 

One of the overlooked reasons that a pastor doesn’t click with a church or that a church doesn’t grow is timing and people. 

Here’s what I mean. There are many different kinds of leadership styles and muscles. Those styles and muscles come naturally to leaders, and they are needed for specific moments and seasons in the life of a church. That doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t grow in those muscles and styles you aren’t naturally gifted in. But it does explain some things. 

Leadership muscles. This isn’t an exhaustive list, but most leaders are good at a few (not all): starting new things, growing things, maintaining things, vision, strategy, planning, soul care, and shepherding. 

Many churches, when looking for a pastor, are looking for someone who is good at all of the above, plus has 10+ years of experience in a church and is 32! That person doesn’t exist. The quicker the pastor and the church can figure that out, the better. 

As a pastor, you must know if you are a starter, a builder, or a maintainer. Maybe God has wired you to be a long-term leader or one who has only been at a church for a few years. You may be wired as an interim or a supporter. 

Not all leaders and pastors are the same, which is good!

You see this in Scripture. Moses was the leader who brought the nation of Israel out of Egypt, but Joshua was the leader who brought them into the Promised Land. Part of that was Moses’ actions, but another part was wiring. “Moses was the right leader for the people who had been slaves in Egypt; he was not the leader for their children who were born in freedom and would conquer the land.”

Two important, but overlooked, parts of pastoral ministry.
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Finding a spot that needs those muscles. This becomes important in many situations, but especially when looking for a new job or thinking about a ministry transition. 

As you talk to a church, you get caught up in their dreams and what they share. You will begin to think about living in a new place, and all God has in store for that place and situation. 

But you must step back and ask, “What kind of leader does this church need right now? And am I that kind of leader?”

For example, the church may be in a growth season and is looking for someone to come in and simply keep doing what the previous leader did. This is a great situation for a maintainer or improver. For someone who is a starter or a builder, however, it will create a lot of frustration. 

If the church is in a season of decline and looking for a new vision and life, you might find a lot of hard work ahead for you and outside of your comfort zone if you aren’t wired as a visionary. 

In the same way, maybe the church just had a moral failure or a string of difficult pastorates, and they need a calm, shepherding presence. 

How to find the right church for your gifts and leadership muscles.
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This doesn’t mean that how you are wired doesn’t fit everywhere, but if you can line up your gifts and leadership muscles with the right situation, you will find yourself and the church flourishing much more. 

The post The Right Pastor for the Moment You Find Yourself In appeared first on JoshuaReich.org.

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Picture a church staff meeting.

Someone comes in and says, “I was talking to someone on Sunday morning, and they had a great idea for a new ministry. What if we start a ministry to _____?” That blank can be anything: a ministry for moms, men, people who won’t come on Sunday morning, young adults, or senior adults.

How do you know? Should you do every idea and opportunity presented to your church?

What if you should say no? Or wait?

How do you know?

Here are 6 questions to ask before starting a new ministry or program at your church.

6 questions to ask before starting a new ministry or program at your church.
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What is missing? Before discussing the need for a monthly men’s breakfast, college ministry, or the opportunity presented on a Sunday morning, I’d encourage you to step back and ask, “What are we missing?”

Another way to think about this is, “What is the problem?”

Say the problem is that men are lonely and disconnected. This led someone to offer to start a monthly men’s breakfast. But is that the answer? It might be, it might not be.

Too often, a church jumps into an idea or opportunity without asking, “Is this something we are missing? Is this a gap in our strategy? Is this a “problem” or “need” to be solved?

Is this a need? Too often, we jump into opportunities that are not needed.

Does your church have several _____ people who would be served by this ministry? Is your church doing anything right now that might meet this need? Or is your church doing anything that would compete with this new initiative?

A lot of times in churches, things get started because the church down the road is doing something, someone’s last church did it, or because the pastor went to a conference recently and heard about this amazing new idea that is reaching hundreds at a church in a different part of the country.

And while all those things might be true, it doesn’t mean that it is a need for your church to meet today.

Is anyone near us filling this need? Here is a forgotten truth that churches must remember: Just because it is a need doesn’t mean you should meet it. Your church does not have to meet every need in your community, nor can it.

Your church does not have to meet every need in your community, nor can it.
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This doesn’t mean you reject something, but you do need to stop and ask if someone else is filling this need. Is there a way for you to partner with them, come alongside them to help, etc.?

My hunch for the future is that more churches must partner to meet different needs or serve different groups of people in their community.

My hunch for the future is that more churches must partner to meet different needs or serve different groups of people in their community.
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Is this the only way to meet this need? Back to the men’s breakfast idea. Is a monthly men’s breakfast a way to connect men? Yes. Is it the only way? No.

Once you decide something is a need and that you can and should meet it, don’t jump into doing what has always been done or even what other churches are doing. Those are good ideas you might pull from, but start brainstorming how to do something.

I think every church needs to consider how to move more things away from being an official church ministry or even in a church building. Being a ministry or at the building might make sense, but a men’s breakfast at a local diner might make more sense than at the church.

Do we have the people, resources, and bandwidth to do this? Sadly, this question is rarely asked.

Just because something is a good idea, it might not be the right season. You may not have the financial resources or bandwidth to make it happen as a church and team.

That’s okay.

It might be a great idea, but the wrong season means it is time to wait.

Or, it is time to cut something else to make room for this new thing.

Every church has a limit to what they can and should do.

Just because it’s a great idea doesn’t mean now is the time for your church to do it.
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And finally, a question that I wish more churches would ask themselves.

Are we the church to do that? 

Your church doesn’t have to do everything. 

Your church isn’t meant to do everything. 

God has given your church specific people with specific giftings to reach certain people and to make a certain impact in your region and the world. 

As a church, you must ask, “Is this our calling to fulfill?” 

The most important question for churches to ask themselves before starting something new.
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The post Are we the Church to do That? appeared first on JoshuaReich.org.

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One of the most difficult aspects of a change in leadership is changing the culture of that church, group, or organization. 

You can change the values, the mission statement, and the strategy. But those changes to values and strategy won’t matter if you don’t change the culture. 

Why?

Because whatever the culture is, that is what people do. 

Tod Bolsinger said, “Culture is the set of default behaviors and usually unexamined or unreflective practices that make up the organizational life and ethos of a company, organization, family or church. In short, organizational culture is the way we do things around here.” 

Organizational culture is the way we do things around here.
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To change culture, you must look at how things are done. How do decisions get made? Who needs to be in the room for those decisions to be made? Do decisions get made by a small group after the meeting?

You can have the most outward-oriented strategy as a church, but you won’t be effective if your behaviors don’t match that. 

Many new pastors come into a church and think that if they change the mission, vision, or strategy, they have changed the church. 

But the group will always default to culture. 

How does that culture get set?

Culture is rarely decided on. A meeting is held to work through vision, values, mission, and strategy. But a meeting is rarely held to decide culture. Culture simply happens. It happens through behaviors, policies, celebrations, and demotions. When you cheer someone on, culture is set. When you scold someone or redirect someone, culture is set. 

John Kotter said, “Organizational culture is usually set by the group’s founders and reinforced through success. When a value leads to a behavior resulting in a desired outcome, the values and behaviors become embedded in the group’s DNA.” 

Culture is reinforced through success.
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One important thing leaders need to do is listen to the stories people tell. You will find the culture and where things came from in those stories. 

To change a culture, you must connect that culture change to success. 

People will always default to what brought success in the past. If they see momentum from a ministry project or behavior, they will seek to replicate that. 

As you change culture, focus on new behaviors and do whatever you can to connect them to success. 

To change culture, focus on new behaviors and do whatever you can to connect them to success.
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