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God’s Love for You

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Photo by Rod Long on Unsplash

One of the strongest and clearest messages throughout the Bible is God’s love for us. We are reminded that God doesn’t forget us (even though many of us feel forgotten); that God is close to us (even though He often feels far away); and that not only has He created us in His image, but He knows us, and that doesn’t scare Him away (although we always fear that the moment someone truly understands us, they’ll bolt.)

And yet, many of us still struggle to believe God loves us.

We believe that God loves the world and that, through Jesus, God will redeem and restore it; however, we struggle to live as if this is true. 

So we run, hide, put up fronts, wear masks, beat ourselves up for past mistakes, try to earn God’s love, and try to prove ourselves worthy of God’s love. All the while, God’s love sits there.

If you’re like me, you can relate to this.

The problem for many of us is that we read verses about God’s love for the world and us (John 3:16), that Jesus loves us (John 15:9), that God predestined us in love (Ephesians 1:4 – 5), that God sings over us (Zephaniah 3:17), that God loved us first (1 John 4:19), that God draws us to Himself (John 6:44). We read the apostle Paul saying over 160 times that as a follower of Jesus, we are “in Christ”, and yet we live every day as if God is disappointed in us, indifferent towards us, mildly happy with us or “likes” us.

We’ll say, “I know God has forgiven me, but I can’t forgive myself.” Or, “God loves me, but I can’t love myself.”

When we say those things, we have made love and forgiveness something it is not. We have based that on our definitions and life.

Over the last two years, if there is one message that God has put on my heart for me to learn, it is this: His gracious, unrelenting, never-stopping love for me.

I keep returning to Luke 15 and the stories that Jesus told: a shepherd who goes after a lost lamb, a woman who searches for a coin, and a father who runs out to meet his son, who doesn’t deserve grace, let alone a party. Through this passage, God has softened my heart, enabling me to understand and feel His love.

Some of us (at least I did) balked a little at this because it seemed too emotional, making God too close and personal, and we feared it would diminish His transcendence and power. He’s God, Creator of the universe. Yes, and He’s also a personal God who created you in His image and sent His Son to die in your place so He could rescue you and so you could know His great love for you.

Here’s my challenge to you. Spend as much time as you need, months or years. Dive into Luke 15, Ephesians 1, and the passages listed above and ask God, “Show me Your love for me; help me to understand and feel Your love for me.”

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12 Simple Ways to Improve Your Marriage Today

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Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Katie and I often get asked how to improve a marriage, survive a hard season, or take your marriage to the next level so that it lasts until “death do us part.”

Here’s a list I put together of 12 ways to improve your marriage (in no particular order):

Deal with all your story. Everyone has a story, a past, and the scars from life. We each bring that into a marriage; some couples work through as much as possible as fast as possible, while others don’t. When a couple has been married for 2 – 3 years, you can tell if they have started to work on their baggage.

Understand your roles and live in them. Too many couples think they can have a roleless marriage, which will work. As a couple, you need to know who is leading and how that is playing out. Who handles the finances, the calendar, vacations, date nights, etc. A lot of that is based on personality, season of life, and job situation, but you need to have regular conversations about how this is working or not working and have some plan. 

Be intimate, a lot. It’s no coincidence that in every marriage book, every couple who says they are happy all say they are intimate a lot. 1 in 5 couples has what is called a sexless marriage (less than 10 times a year). The average for a married couple is 1 – 2 times every 10 days. Wonder why couples aren’t happy? Those stats are a place to start. Intimacy isn’t the same thing as sex, but it is deeply connected for couples. 

Yes, there are seasons when intimacy is difficult or impossible as a couple, but talk through those. Also, if you find yourself pulling away from each other for any reason, talk about it. There is usually a reason that might unlock new levels of intimacy in your marriage. 

Date night. I’m stunned at the number of couples who do not have a regularly scheduled date night. The bottom line is that you need a date night every week. Protect it with your life, make it a priority, and make it happen. These moments are essential to your relationship and help keep you close as a couple. Try some of these questions if you are unsure what to discuss. 

Your relationship is more important than any other relationship (except God). Too many couples make their jobs, parents, friends, and kids more important than their marriages. Guess what? A day is coming when it will just be you and your spouse. Make that relationship the most important.

Pray together every day. This is a great way to connect, especially after a long day. It is a great way to thank your spouse for things out loud. This is especially good if you had a long day or a huge fight at night. This is something EVERY couple should do every day. Bring before God your relationship, your family, health, career, and anything else that is weighing you down. 

Play together. This might be more of a man’s need, but do fun things together. If you are both into football, go to a game. Go shopping. Play golf or tennis. Run together. Do something fun that is just the two of you. It doesn’t matter if you don’t like the other person’s hobby, go along. 

Find a mentor. Every couple should have a mentor. Since our engagement, we have had other couples speaking into our marriage. They have helped us get to where we are right now. Always be on the lookout for a couple ahead of you with whom you can spend time. 

We are asking, “Do we want the relationship this couple has?” Because if you spend time with someone and take their advice, you will get a lot of what they have, so choose wisely. 

Put the other person first. One thing marriage brings out is how selfish we are. The scriptures all talk about serving each other. If you aim to outserve the other person, you will win at marriage.

Decide that you will stay married even if it kills you (and it probably will). This may sound obvious, but even though couples don’t get married and plan to divorce, many are willing to call it quits quickly. If you are going to work through all your junk (see #1), you will need the confidence that no matter what, this thing will make it to the end. If you decide to stay married, even if it kills you, you can do anything and get through anything. It will be challenging, but choosing this will go a long way.

No secrets. The number of couples who keep secrets from their spouses is incredible to me. I have had men tell me something and then say, “Don’t tell my wife.” Uh, if you don’t, I will. Secrets destroy any relationship. 

Stay pure. This is not just for men. This is not just a physical thing. It is an all-encompassing thing. Are you physically, emotionally, spiritually, relationally, or mentally attached to someone you are not married to? Your spouse is the person who should meet these needs more than any other person.

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Are you Too Busy?

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Photo by Windows on Unsplash

Every week, I talk to someone who is overwhelmed, tired and/or exhausted. 

As a parent of teenagers, I feel this. 

I was talking with some pastors the other day, and the topics of burnout, being too busy, and doing too much came up. This is a common thread among people, no matter what they do.

Here are some of the things they asked:

  • How do you know if you are close?
  • Are there warning signs that you are getting too busy?
  • How do you know that your busyness is not just a season but becoming a way of life? We always just say it’s a season, and soon, we will slow down.

I know there are warning signs in my life when I am doing too much or taking on too much. Sometimes, I adhere to them and make changes, but other times, I bulldoze through and pay the price.

Here are some warning signs to be aware of:

8 signs you need to slow down.

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What usually is easy is now challenging. This is one of the first things that happens.

It centers on preaching, sermon prep, and reading leadership books. Whenever I feel unmotivated in one or all of these areas, I know I am past the point of running too fast. To combat this, I take periodic breaks from preaching (I try not to preach more than 6-8 weeks in a row), and I work on books that have nothing to do with sermon prep or church ministry to give my brain a break.

I am usually very decisive, but I know something is off when I have difficulty deciding what to eat or watch on Netflix. 

Sleep is hard to come by. For many Americans, sleep is challenging and something we do less and less.

We go to bed too late, we don’t take enough naps, we spend too much time on technology, and get worked up. I try to get to bed by 10:30; I do my best not to look at social media after 8 pm so that my brain can take a break. This is especially important as it relates to work email and the news. Studies show how smartphone use after 9 pm can harm sleep and productivity. If you must take sleeping pills, watch TV to fall asleep, or find yourself going to bed at midnight or staring at the clock at midnight, you need to work on your sleep.

It is hard to get going in the morning. Some people are morning people and can’t wait to get going; others are not. I’m not a morning person. But, when I find myself having a hard time getting going in the morning, needing multiple cups of coffee to stay awake or to focus, that’s a warning sign. Think about this morning; how hard was it to get out of bed? The harder it was, the closer you were to burning out.

Motivation is hard to come by. You are indeed more motivated and alert at specific times of the day. For me, it is the first thing in the morning, so I reserve that for sermon prep and not meetings. It is when I am most creative and need to give that mental time to the most critical part of my job: preaching. When I find that motivation is not there, I know I have a problem.

You get angry fast. When you are tired, you tend to get angry fast. Your fuse is shorter with those closest to you: family, friends, and coworkers.

You use things to calm down. When we use something to calm you down, help you relax, help you sleep, or “take the edge off,” we have a problem. If you think, “I just need ____ to calm down or feel better,” that is a warning sign.  

You don’t laugh as much or have fun. This is connected to what we’ve already said, but if you can’t remember the last time you laughed and had fun, that’s a problem. When you are tired, the last thing you have energy for is fun or community.

You have pulled back from community. When you are tired, especially as an introvert, the last thing you want is to be around people. Ironically, one of the things that can be the most helpful to ward off burnout and help you break unhealthy patterns is community, being around people who care about you.

8 warning signs that you are too busy.

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3 Things that Sink New Pastors

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Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

When you arrive at a church as a new pastor, there is a lot of excitement. There is also a lot of grief, some fear, and hope. How the last pastor left, whether it was good or not, whether he was forced out or not, how much time has passed, and what has transpired goes a long way to determining the culture you are stepping into as a new pastor.

You are also carrying things as a new pastor. You might be tired and worn out from the move for your family, grieving the losses you experienced, and exhausted from a job search. However, you are also excited about new beginnings and ready to hit the ground running.

As you arrive at a church, you will receive a lot of goodwill and trust because you are new, and people are excited. But if you aren’t careful, you will quickly find yourself stuck if you turn right when the church expects you to turn left. Many new pastors have made the wrong turn by using the wrong verbiage or version of the Bible or making a decision without asking the right person, even though the right person isn’t on the leadership team.

There are landmines at every job and church, things that sink your ministry before it gets started or at least slow it down and waste your trust bank.

The problem is that you aren’t aware of what these things are, and almost no one else is because they just happened over the years. Like your family, churches form a system that helps them function. Over time, the church falls into patterns of relating, communicating, making decisions, and functioning as a church.

In many ways, the church just happens.

People start new things, new leaders rise, and things “just get done over time.” This is especially important in a transitional time. Someone has to make decisions and ensure things happen, especially if there is no pastor.

The biggest thing that can trip up a new pastor is the things you don’t know.

One of the things you need to learn as quickly as possible is what has transpired in the church, how things get done, and what matters most. Sadly, some of these things won’t come up in the interview process because most people aren’t aware of them. Again, these are things that have just happened in their church.

Here are 3 things that trip up new pastors (or at least slow you down):

Not knowing who actually has power. In every church, just like in a family, someone holds the power. This power can be authoritative; it could be in finances or relationships. This power shows up in a variety of ways and different places. Someone might hold power in the church, the elder team, the men’s or women’s ministry, and the worship area. These might be the same people or different people.

One of the things you need to figure out as quickly as possible is who has power and influence in the church. If you misread this, you can be in a bad spot as a leader.

You can ask people to find out, but you can also observe it. Listen to who people say, “Have you checked with ______?” Watch in meetings to see who speaks last and sways the group. You can also ask, “Before I arrived, who made this decision?”

When you are new to a church, it is important to find out who has the power and influence.

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Not using the right words. Every church has a culture of words and communication. This can be the preaching style, worship leading, and how things are communicated from the stage or on social media. This can even be about the version of the Bible that the church is used to.

These can seem like small things, but they are big things to the church because they are used to them. Communication gives a sense of safety and belonging. Suppose the church is used to a 40-minute, expository sermon. As a new pastor, you should do that, no matter your preference. It doesn’t mean you can’t change it later on, but to get started, do what they are used to.

If the church is used to a particular version of the Bible during the preaching or specific ways of doing baptism or communion, do those when you first arrive. It can create an unneeded whiplash for the people if you don’t.

When I first arrived at CCC, I didn’t know there was a specific way of setting up communion. Before I arrived, the pastor did it a certain way, using a particular passage and specific words each time. On my first Sunday, I was asked to set up communion, and I did it the way I was used to. I heard from numerous people that I had done it wrong. They weren’t angry about it, but to them, it was not what they were used to. I started on the wrong foot with some people, which could’ve been avoided.

The words you use or don’t use go a long way to helping to connect with the culture of your church.

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Not knowing the hurt or wounds people carry. The last thing that can trip you up is not being aware of the past and the hurts or wounds people carry. These might be obvious if the church has walked through a split, a moral failure, or a recent firing of the pastor. But they also might not be the ones that you are aware of. If changes were made that caused some volunteers to step out or be asked to step out, that would create hurt. Maybe before you arrived, the church did a building campaign that went poorly, and people lost trust and confidence in the leadership because money was misspent. Perhaps a beloved staff member was fired before you arrived, and you are left picking up the pieces for a decision you had nothing to do with.

3 things that trip pastors up that might surprise you.

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You might wonder if there is a quick way to learn these things to avoid getting tripped up.

Yes and no.

If you come to a church in rapid decline, quickly losing members and money, you may not have time for this.

But in most situations, the best thing you can do is to come to a new church as a student. Ask questions, observe behaviors, and listen to the stories and legends people talk about. Watch who sways meetings and moments. See who gets things moving and gets things done. Watch who stops things and starts things.

Over time, you will pick up a wealth of information and begin to discern the way forward.

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Lessons After Preaching Through the Song of Songs

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Photo by Kevin Gonzalez on Unsplash

If you get a group of Christians together and ask them what the Bible teaches about sex or what they think about sex, you will probably get predictable answers. Some won’t know what the Bible teaches. Others will talk about the restrictions the Bible has about sex. 

Many Christians speak about sex in very hushed tones, guarded or even embarrassed about it if they speak about it at all. Many churches act like it is a topic they won’t talk about unless it is homosexuality. 

Before preaching on the Song of Songs at my church, when I told people we were preaching through it, I got looks of surprise. Several had no idea what was in it. Often, Christians want to make it a metaphor for Christ and the church, and while that is part of what the Song of Songs teaches us, it teaches us so much more. 

And I think it is one of the most relevant books in the Bible because so many people in the church and outside of the church are confused when it comes to sexuality and what the Bible actually teaches. 

What should Christians think about sex?

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I looked at a popular pastor’s website out of curiosity. This pastor preaches through books of the Bible. In his ministry career, he has preached through every book except one.

The Song of Songs.

Why?

The Song of Songs is just as inspired as the book of Romans!

The Song of Songs is just as inspired as the book of Romans.

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By and large, Christians don’t know how to enjoy sex in the way God created it.

We know how to corrupt it, we know how the culture thinks about it, and so we either run the other direction (don’t enjoy it, don’t explore with your spouse, never talk about it with your kids) or we simply give in to the culture and live like them (adultery, sleeping around, porn, selfishness, sex as a weapon.)

Neither one of those is a good option or even a biblical one.

The Song of Songs shows us what marriage is supposed to be like. Spouses who adore each other, pursue each other, serve each other, seek to please and pleasure each other, all for the good of their marriage. Spouses who complement each other and know what the other likes and dislikes and then use that information to make the other happy.

Our culture, from broken homes, divorce, adultery, and porn, has no idea what sex is supposed to be like. Sex is seen as a weapon to get your way, so women wield it with power in their relationships. Many wives operate from the perspective of: I’ll give you my body, but only as I manipulate you to do what I want.

One of the other struggles our culture has is that our sexual identity has become the trump card and the most important thing about who we are. That is not what the Bible teaches, and when we make that the trump card, we limit ourselves to simply who we are sexually and what we do sexually. We then have a broken image of ourselves and see our value only through the lens of sex. This isn’t surprising when we think about how prevalent porn is.

Your sexual identity is not the most important thing about you.

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The Bible, particularly the Song of Songs, shows us that sex within marriage is not only to be celebrated, enjoyed, and gratifying, but it is also an act of worship to God.

The reason Christians often take the stance they do on sex within marriage (seeing it as dirty, a chore, or prudish about it) is that it is the easy stance to take. To have a healthy view of sexuality will often mean dealing with past addictions, past hurts, past abuse, and body image issues, and all of those are in places we push down, pretend are not there, and try to move forward from without dealing with them.

Sex, intimacy, and affection are the barometer of your marriage.

Sex, intimacy, and affection are the barometer of your marriage.

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If you want to know the health of your marriage, where you are in dealing with past hurts, and how you and your spouse are pursuing each other, simply look at your view of sexuality and intimacy: how intimate you are (sharing your hurts, dreams, joys, and secrets; how open you are), and your affection. I would add how often you are connecting sexually, but that is very nuanced as it relates to the season of life, parenting, and health issues. But if you find yourself pulling away from your spouse for any reason, those are things to pay attention to. 

If you pay attention to those things, you will probably know everything you need to know about the health of your marriage.

Why you should preach through the Song of Songs.

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After spending the last 9 weeks walking through the Song of Songs, I can tell you it is a worthwhile series to do at your church. 

The number of conversations I have had with people young and old, dating, married, single, divorced, and widowed, has been incredible. As you look at what you think of sex, dating, intimacy, and relationships, you uncover a lot that you grew up believing, things your family of origin shaped, and some things you need the cross to reshape and redeem. 

It is a risky series to do. 

I often talk to pastors afraid to step into it because they don’t want to alienate someone in their church. This is a real thing, and it takes a lot of effort to speak to everyone when you are talking about relationships. 

But I also think the reason many pastors don’t preach through this book is that they haven’t navigated the things that will come up in the series in their own marriages. Preaching through the Song of Songs places a massive mirror on the pastor’s life and marriage, which is good and scary at the same time.

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When Pastoring is Exhausting

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It’s Monday.

This is the most challenging day of the week for most pastors, worship leaders, kids, and student pastors.

You are tired, poured out. But you are also excited and exhilarated about Sunday. You have preached, led worship, prayed with people, and counseled them. You may baptize someone or help someone take a crucial step of faith. 

Many church leaders wake up on Monday, though, feeling exhausted and discouraged. 

You could have replayed conversations, things you should’ve said in your sermon, or another way to handle that one situation. Maybe you woke up to emails and texts telling you how much your sermon meant to someone, and another person messaged you to say they are leaving the church. 

No matter how you wake up on Monday (or any day where you are exhausted), here are a few things to help you get going:

Get out of bed. Some Mondays are great to sleep in, but getting out of bed and getting rolling is a better idea. If I stay in bed too long, I feel sluggish, no matter what day it is. I know some pastors set their alarm on Mondays and others don’t. You need to get the rest you need, which may vary each week and through seasons of life.

9 things to remember when you are exhausted.

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Know that Tuesday is coming. Most of the things that seem insurmountable on Monday look easy on Tuesday. I’m amazed at how often I get stressed about things; in 3 weeks, I have forgotten about them.

Get a workout, bike ride, hike, or run in. I know you are tired and can barely move. The adrenaline from preaching is hard to deal with the older I get. I do yoga every Sunday afternoon after preaching; otherwise, the adrenaline will kill me. But get going, do something active. It gets your blood moving, and you feel better afterward.

Take a nap. You should nap on Monday if you need one, or on Sunday afternoon. 

Work on your soul. Read something that speaks to your soul. You preached your heart out, gave everything you had to students and kids, and led worship with everything you had; now, you need to feed yourself. Monday is a great time to listen to someone else’s sermon and be challenged. I always have a devotional or book I read on Mondays that fills me up. 

Don’t be around anyone that doesn’t fill you up (if you can). You have a short fuse on Monday and probably don’t feel like yourself. You need to be around and do things that fill you up. 

9 things to remember on Monday morning.

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Be wise about what you work on. Some pastors want to get a jump on their next sermon (that’s me), while others do administrative things. But work on things that you have the energy for. If you don’t have energy for counseling or meetings, skip those on Mondays. 

Serve your spouse. You were probably a bear to them sometime on Saturday or Sunday. They were possibly a single parent on Sunday morning with the kids while you worked and are just as tired as you are. I know you don’t believe me and think your job is more challenging; at best, it is even (but theirs was more difficult). 

You have the privilege to do it again in 6 days. On some Mondays, serving in a church does not feel like a privilege, depending on what you are walking through. Not every moment recorded in Scripture seems like a privilege to lead (just read the story of Moses!). But believe me, it is. God has chosen you to preach, lead worship, counsel, shepherd, set up, greet, help kids follow Jesus, and talk with students through tricky situations. He chose you and used you. So, when Monday is hard, remember that God could’ve picked someone else. And you could’ve said no. Since God called and you said yes, get back on the horse and get ready!

It is a privilege to lead and serve in the local church.

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3 Things to Do Today to Make Your Marriage Great

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Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Every couple that gets married wants a great marriage. No one gets married in hopes of getting divorced or being miserable. But many couples simply settle and do things that work against them. 

So, what do healthy, thriving couples do?

They do many things, but here are a few:

They grow close to Jesus. This may seem obvious, but if you stray from Jesus, stop reading your Bible, and feel your relationship with Jesus suffer, many things go wrong.

Your desire to fight sin goes down, your willingness to serve your spouse goes down, your desire to love your spouse goes down, and your desire to stay pure goes down—all because of one thing. 

Couples who make it to the end keep God at the center of their marriage. They grow together spiritually, take control of their spiritual lives, and don’t leave it to chance. They read solid books together, they pray together, and they have a plan for how they will disciple their kids (they don’t leave that to chance either). They attend church together, are in a Christian community, and serve to use their gifts and talents. God is not some figure that appears periodically in their marriage but is what the marriage and family revolve around. Men ask how they can help their wife grow and become all God has called her to be.

They protect their marriage. Many couples stumble through this. They make their vows and wear rings, but too many don’t protect themselves when it comes to their minds, hearts, and eyes. Yes, they make sure not to sleep with someone they aren’t married to, but everything else is fair game.

A couple who lasts does not do that. 

The only thing on “their menu” is their spouse. They protect their eyes, they aren’t looking at porn, they aren’t fantasizing about that girl at work or the guy in the movie. They aren’t dreaming about their romance novel; they aren’t acting out (even with their spouse) in their mind. They act out with their spouse (and only their spouse). They make sure nothing will tear them and their spouse apart.

This isn’t just about vows and promises but about the priority you place on your relationship compared to others. Your kids matter, and you love them, but your kids come after your marriage. One of the fastest ways to go from a great marriage to being roommates is to place your kids above your spouse. Your kids will move out one day, and you will have only your spouse. At this point, most couples split because they no longer need to stay together for the kids and have nothing in common. Don’t let that happen. This doesn’t mean you neglect your kids and not do anything with them, but it means they come after your marriage. If you’re unsure where you stand, here are 10 ways to know you are putting your kids before your marriage.

They pursue each other. Pursuit is what got you married (because you started pursuing when you dated). Pursuit keeps a marriage healthy; pursuit is the first thing to go out the window of most marriages. The couples who last don’t leave this to chance. They make time for their spouse, have a yearly getaway, and do fun things with them, including weekly date nights. I’ve never had a couple who did this tell me they regretted it. I’ve had lots of couples tell me how long they have waited for this. Here are some ideas for doing date night at home and some help when date night falls apart.

Know that affection is the first thing to go, and fight against that. Affection leaves a marriage first—kissing when you say goodbye, holding hands, snuggling. 

The amount of affection you have is one of the best barometers for where your marriage is.

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All of these things happen to couples who couldn’t keep their hands off each other at one time. Fight this. When you kiss, kiss for 5-10 seconds. Throw some tongue in when you are just saying hello or goodbye—gross your kids out. Hold hands in the car. Kiss at a red light. Snuggle at night. I’ve said this before: The amount of affection you have is one of the best barometers for where your marriage is. Show me a couple with little affection and little sex, and I will show you a couple going in opposite directions.

3 Things that Make a Great Marriage

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Healthy and growing relationships require intentionality and specific choices. Otherwise, you drift into unhealthiness.

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One Conversation that Can Improve Your Marriage

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Photo by Neora Aylon on Unsplash

On Sunday, we looked at the marks of a marriage that lasts. While the passage has clear applications for all relationships, we looked particularly at the needs of men and women and how they play out in marriage. If you aren’t married, we’d encourage you to read about your love language and think about how you give and receive love the best to help you as you look for a spouse and/or improve your most important relationships. 

Often, we encounter issues when trying to show and communicate love in a way that doesn’t make sense to the other person. Each person has different needs and different love languages. 

Do you know your spouse’s love lanauge?

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Years ago, Katie and I read a book called His Needs, Her Needs, which proved very helpful to us in our relationship. In it, the author lays out the top 5 needs for a man and a woman. While these needs may vary, meaning your top 5 may not be his, they at least create an opportunity for connection and conversation. 

Here they are. 

Women                                                           Men

Affection                                                           Sexual Fulfillment

Intimate Conversations                                 Recreational Companionship

Honesty and Openness                                  Physical Attractiveness

Financial Support                                           Domestic Support

Family/Leadership Commitment                Admiration

Do you know the top 5 emotional needs of your spouse?

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Before getting into the conversation, let me make a brief comment on sexual fulfillment and physical attractiveness. We unpacked this some on Sunday, but in case you didn’t hear this, I think this is important because this can be distorted in our culture or church circles; we misuse passages and studies to guilt women into having sex with their husbands. 

Sexual fulfillment is not just something men are interested in, but women as well. Sexual fulfillment is also not just about sex, but I think about a larger conversation around intimacy and connection. Physical attractiveness is not about looking like a model on Instagram with all the filters on. The way we frame physical attractiveness is about effort and trying. As a couple ages and life takes over, the effort and trying starts to go out the window in many areas for men and women. This is a great reminder to hit pause and ask, “Are we still trying?”

Here is our challenge for you this week, if you’re married. 

Look at the above list and rank yours from 1 to 5. Again, these may vary depending on personality, season of life, health, etc. Your list may have a need on it that isn’t listed above. That’s okay. 

Then, share your list with your spouse. 

1 conversation that can change your marriage.

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We’d encourage you to talk through how each of you is doing. Start with wins and compliments. Share how the other person is knocking it out of the park. Encourage each other. 

Then, share one way to improve each one on the above list. Do your best not to get defensive or historical or to insult the other person. Often, when we have these kinds of conversations, our first reaction is to say, “What about this or that?” Or to bring up something from the past (historical), I want to encourage you to resist this temptation. 

This is an opportunity to grow closer and take your relationship to the next level. 

1 conversation every married couple should have.

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5 Things that Hurt Your Marriage

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Photo by Andrik Langfield on Unsplash

Healthy relationships take work. Healthy marriages that people want to stay in don’t just happen, although we think they do. We believe two people magically work together, never fight, and never have an issue or disagreement to work through, but they do.

So, where do things go wrong? How can a friendship that was working so well, a marriage that seemed so right, suddenly seem all wrong?

And often, that’s how it feels. When a marriage goes off the rails, it feels sudden, but it has been moving in that direction for several months or years. 

In some ways, the list below is a dashboard to ask, “Are we going off the track and not knowing it?”

5 reasons marriages stop working.

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It’s too much work. Healthy relationships take a lot of work. It means being patient, listening, hearing someone out, and putting your wants and privileges aside. That’s work.

It means sacrificing and serving the other person, laying aside your wants and desires for the other person or your family. That is easier said than done.

It hurts too much to face their past or do the hard work. As we’ll see later, almost every fight in a relationship is not about what you are fighting about. You are fighting with a past incident, a hurt you haven’t dealt with, a person you see in the person in front of you. They remind you of your dad or mom; they said words similar to an abuser or someone who you were supposed to trust. Healthy people face their past and see it redeemed by the power of Jesus. This doesn’t mean that you pray, and it is gone. The memories and scars stay, but you move forward in healthy ways.

Unhealthy people use their past and stay the victim instead of finding healing. This is hard work and can be incredibly painful. In any argument, you have to ask the crucial question, “Are we fighting about this? What are we fighting about? Who am I fighting with?”

They want the other person to do all the work and change. Just like #1, being lazy and selfish in relationships is easy. Serving, putting in the work, putting the other person’s needs and wants first takes work. Often, too, we want the other person to work to become a healthy person while we stay unhealthy. “I’ll hold on to that incident and bring it up whenever it suits me. I’ll remind them of my hurt instead of dealing with it.”

They think they are better than their spouse or the other person. Sometimes, people are in an unhealthy relationship because they believe they are less sinful than the other person. They look down on them. They wouldn’t say this but hold the other person’s sin in contempt, thinking, “How can they not see that? Why do they struggle with that?” They turn up their noses at the thought of working hard to reconcile with a spouse or a friend. They will say it is the other person’s fault, but deep down, they are the least sinful person they know.

Confuse what reconciliation means. Reconciliation doesn’t mean you are friends with everyone. You might need to protect yourself from an abusive situation, and you may need to protect your kids as well. Reconciliation means that you don’t hold it against the person anymore and don’t bring up the past. You stop saying, “Remember…?”

5 things that hurt a marriage.

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6 Reasons Pastors Quit (And What To Do about It)

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Photo by Luis Villasmil on Unsplash

I heard at a conference recently that 2 out of 5 pastors are thinking about quitting ministry.

Many people attending church may be surprised, but pastors know this reality. 

Pastors regularly wake up after a hard day or season of ministry and wonder what life would be like in a different job. This isn’t just pastors, as I’m sure anyone reading this has thought about quitting their job and trying something different. 

But why do pastors feel this?

Pastors know this.

Many people in their churches do not.

There are a few reasons why pastors think about quitting:

1. Ministry is hard work. Every job is hard. Whether you are a pastor, an electrician, an engineer, or a barista. Life and work is hard. Ministry is no different. You can’t be naive about this. Too many pastors have rose-colored glasses about putting out a church sign and just expecting people to show up, and the people who show up will be bought in, not messy and without difficulty.

I think one of the things that pastors need to learn how to navigate is not only the physical, mental, and emotional side of their role (as all jobs do) but also the spiritual side (especially the warfare they and their families will experience) and moments of grief and loss. These are the things that set ministry apart. 

Handling your energy is a stewardship issue.

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2. They aren’t sleeping or eating well. There is a direct connection between how you eat, how you sleep, and the level of energy you have. Handling your energy is a stewardship issue. Leaders have a lot of meetings over meals and drink a lot of coffee or energy drinks. They stay up too late watching TV, surfing social media instead of sleeping, taking a sabbath, or doing something recharging and refreshing.

There is a direct connection between how you eat, how you sleep & your energy level.

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This becomes even more of an issue the older you get. Now that I’m in my 40s, I don’t have the same energy levels I had in my 20s. But many leaders try to lead and live like they are half their age. 

We often quote the verse about how our bodies are a temple, which means our bodies are meant for stewardship and worship. How we treat them is a direct reflection of our worship. So what we put into them and put them through is connected to our worship.

3. They don’t have an outlet. Whenever I get tired, it is often because I am not taking my retreat day, hanging out with friends, or doing fun things. Leaders and pastors are notorious for being bad friends and struggling to have hobbies and do fun things. You will start to think about quitting, not being thankful, begrudgingly going to meetings or counseling people. Get outside, take a break, slow down.

When was the last time you took a break and had fun?

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4. Tensions. Tensions are a part of life because tensions are a part of every relationship. Tensions in life aren’t necessarily a bad thing. Andy Stanley says,”Tensions show us things we need to pay attention to.” In the last few years, those tensions have increased in our culture, and I think everyone feels it. Some of the tensions in our culture are around sexual identity, politics, or race. Those tensions can find their way into churches. Still, you add a lot of tensions around community and relationships, conflict, finances, theology, and the shifting sands of culture. Pastors also have tensions in life; they navigate as they parent, age, and deal with aging parents. Part of the role of pastors is carrying tensions others carry, whether that is healthy or not. Pastors often feel like they are running ragged because of this.

Pastor, you must learn how to navigate the tensions in your life and let go of them.

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5. Not leading from a place of burden. Leaders are idea machines. We read books, go to conferences, listen to podcasts, and look for the latest trend, but those are ideas, not a vision. It is easy to confuse the two.

A vision is what drives you and comes from a burden. Any leader, if you want to know their vision, ask about their burden. You must keep that in the forefront. I wake up and want to lead and build an irresistible church to our next-door neighbors and the next generation. This burden is ingrained in experiences growing up and watching churches fail to reach this demographic, especially men.

Vision is not an idea, it is a burden.

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Many pastors begin out of a place of burden when they start. But then life and ministry just seem to happen. They take some hits, have some failures, and slowly, that burden disappears. 

You must continually remind yourself of this burden. You must put yourself in places where this fire is rekindled. 

Whatever it takes!

6. Not dealing with emotions. I was unprepared for how emotionally tiring ministry and leadership can be. It can be hard to walk with people who get a divorce, get fired, wreck their lives, funerals, and miscarriages. This can wreck your heart. You must learn to deal with the emotional ride of pastoring. If you don’t, you will become a statistic.

6 reasons pastors think about quitting.

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Part of this journey for pastors is learning to acknowledge their journeys with a trusted friend or counselor. Too often, as leaders, we try to be strong and think we are doing our team, spouse, and church a favor. Sometimes, this is true, which makes leadership so tricky. There has to come a moment when you can let go of someone. Share precisely where you are, what you need, and what you are carrying.