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If you ask an older couple what the secret to marriage is and how to make it to the end (and glad you made it to the end). That last part is crucial since we all know couples who are not happy, but they will tell you all kinds of things. 

You will start to hear similar things, which we see in a couple at the end of the Song of Songs. 

They show us three things: couples who delight in and desire each other, protect their relationship, and pursue each other. 

Couples that last delight in each other and desire each other, protect their relationship, and pursue each other.
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We see these three things throughout the Song, but particularly at the end in chapters 7 – 8. What I love about Song of Songs 7 – 8 is that the couple is older and later in their relationship. They know each other. They have walked through the highs and lows of marriage and life together. At this point in marriage, it is easy to coast, to stop pursuing and delighting in each other, but they don’t. 

Couples that make it to ‘death do us part’ do three things other couples do not do.
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Delight in each other and desire each other

Throughout the Song, the couple compliments each other. A lot. 

But the man does this more than the woman. He describes her three different times, but he holds nothing back. What is essential to see is how he talks. He doesn’t always speak in sexual ways or even with the purpose of sex. But to build her up, telling her of his love for her and what he sees. He speaks to her insecurities about her body again and again. 

He does this to the end of the Song, even when she is probably thinking, “He is being silly!” He tells her again and again how much he delights in her and desires her. He says things like, “You stand tall. I love your breath. I want to clutch your body, your breasts.” 

In response, she says things like, “Let’s go to the vineyard and have sex under the stars; let’s wake up in the garden. Let’s go all night. Let me give you my caresses.”

Couples must ask themselves, “Do we delight in each other? Do we desire each other?” Again, desire and delight are not just sexual. I would say that the older you get and the longer you are married, the more this begins to shift from sexual to being together and walking through life as friends.

Couples that make it to ‘death do us part’ delight in each other.
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Protect their relationship

In Song of Songs 8, the woman begins reflecting on their relationship. She talks about the importance of protecting their relationship before and after marriage. 

You cannot delight in, desire, or pursue each other to the greatest extent without protection. 

You cannot delight in, desire, or pursue each other to the greatest extent without protection.
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It will not just happen. 

She talks about how they have “ahava,” which means “a clinging love, and I’m not going anywhere kind of love.” That is the love needed to make ‘death do us part.’ That kind of love is not the butterflies’ kind of love. She talks about it in a fierce way. She brings up the image of flames, which are as strong as death. Which doesn’t sound very romantic, but it is real life. 

Couples that make it to ‘death do us part’ protect their relationship before and after marriage.
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Pursue each other

This couple is making what John Gottman calls a “bid.” Bids show our desire to connect.

Bids can be as simple as a baby crying. Asking how your day was is a bid. Did you see the game last night?

They can be deeper statements like, “I don’t know if I love her anymore. I don’t think I’ll talk to my dad again. I don’t know what to do with this hurt and shame.” We ask people to step into our stories with us in these moments. 

They can be funny, like when a child says, “Knock, knock.”

They can seem insignificant: Can you get my phone while you’re up?

They can come at the worst moment: Can you sing me one more song? Read me one more book when you are exhausted as a parent at the end of the day.

A bid is when a husband or wife says, “Can we hold hands? Can we have sex tonight?”

We can either respond with intimacy or push it away.

Couples that make it to ‘death do us part’ pursue each other.
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John Gottman, the foremost expert on marriage, found that husbands headed towards divorce ignore their wives’ bids 82% of the time, compared to 19% for husbands in stable marriages. Wives headed for divorce ignore their husbands’ bids 50% of the time, compared to 14% of the time in stable marriages.

How often do you ignore your spouse’s bid to connect if you’re married? Don’t focus on them ignoring yours; you can’t make them. Do you move towards them or away? Why do you find yourself moving towards them or away?

If you’re not married, do you ignore the bids others make towards you to connect?

What we do in friendships is what we often do in marriage, so it matters if you want to get married one day. 

If you’re dating, watch how that person responds to everyone but you. They will likely respond positively to you because they are dating you and putting on a good show. Watch how they react to their parents, siblings, friends, and those around you. When you pay attention to that, you will see how they really respond to bids for affection. 

Couples that make it to ‘death do us part’ respond to each other’s bids for affection and intimacy.
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Bringing it all together

The Song of Songs begins and ends with the same themes: the couple pursuing each other, talking about their delight and desire for each other, and the protection they have in their relationship. It starts in the moments of dating and seeing each other through the wedding and wedding night and ends in the end. 

Together. 

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Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Katie and I often get asked how to improve a marriage, survive a hard season, or take your marriage to the next level so that it lasts until “death do us part.”

Here’s a list I put together of 12 ways to improve your marriage (in no particular order):

Deal with all your story. Everyone has a story, a past, and the scars from life. We each bring that into a marriage; some couples work through as much as possible as fast as possible, while others don’t. When a couple has been married for 2 – 3 years, you can tell if they have started to work on their baggage.

Understand your roles and live in them. Too many couples think they can have a roleless marriage, which will work. As a couple, you need to know who is leading and how that is playing out. Who handles the finances, the calendar, vacations, date nights, etc. A lot of that is based on personality, season of life, and job situation, but you need to have regular conversations about how this is working or not working and have some plan. 

Be intimate, a lot. It’s no coincidence that in every marriage book, every couple who says they are happy all say they are intimate a lot. 1 in 5 couples has what is called a sexless marriage (less than 10 times a year). The average for a married couple is 1 – 2 times every 10 days. Wonder why couples aren’t happy? Those stats are a place to start. Intimacy isn’t the same thing as sex, but it is deeply connected for couples. 

Yes, there are seasons when intimacy is difficult or impossible as a couple, but talk through those. Also, if you find yourself pulling away from each other for any reason, talk about it. There is usually a reason that might unlock new levels of intimacy in your marriage. 

Date night. I’m stunned at the number of couples who do not have a regularly scheduled date night. The bottom line is that you need a date night every week. Protect it with your life, make it a priority, and make it happen. These moments are essential to your relationship and help keep you close as a couple. Try some of these questions if you are unsure what to discuss. 

Your relationship is more important than any other relationship (except God). Too many couples make their jobs, parents, friends, and kids more important than their marriages. Guess what? A day is coming when it will just be you and your spouse. Make that relationship the most important.

Pray together every day. This is a great way to connect, especially after a long day. It is a great way to thank your spouse for things out loud. This is especially good if you had a long day or a huge fight at night. This is something EVERY couple should do every day. Bring before God your relationship, your family, health, career, and anything else that is weighing you down. 

Play together. This might be more of a man’s need, but do fun things together. If you are both into football, go to a game. Go shopping. Play golf or tennis. Run together. Do something fun that is just the two of you. It doesn’t matter if you don’t like the other person’s hobby, go along. 

Find a mentor. Every couple should have a mentor. Since our engagement, we have had other couples speaking into our marriage. They have helped us get to where we are right now. Always be on the lookout for a couple ahead of you with whom you can spend time. 

We are asking, “Do we want the relationship this couple has?” Because if you spend time with someone and take their advice, you will get a lot of what they have, so choose wisely. 

Put the other person first. One thing marriage brings out is how selfish we are. The scriptures all talk about serving each other. If you aim to outserve the other person, you will win at marriage.

Decide that you will stay married even if it kills you (and it probably will). This may sound obvious, but even though couples don’t get married and plan to divorce, many are willing to call it quits quickly. If you are going to work through all your junk (see #1), you will need the confidence that no matter what, this thing will make it to the end. If you decide to stay married, even if it kills you, you can do anything and get through anything. It will be challenging, but choosing this will go a long way.

No secrets. The number of couples who keep secrets from their spouses is incredible to me. I have had men tell me something and then say, “Don’t tell my wife.” Uh, if you don’t, I will. Secrets destroy any relationship. 

Stay pure. This is not just for men. This is not just a physical thing. It is an all-encompassing thing. Are you physically, emotionally, spiritually, relationally, or mentally attached to someone you are not married to? Your spouse is the person who should meet these needs more than any other person.

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If you get a group of Christians together and ask them what the Bible teaches about sex or what they think about sex, you will probably get predictable answers. Some won’t know what the Bible teaches. Others will talk about the restrictions the Bible has about sex. 

Many Christians speak about sex in very hushed tones, guarded or even embarrassed about it if they speak about it at all. Many churches act like it is a topic they won’t talk about unless it is homosexuality. 

Before preaching on the Song of Songs at my church, when I told people we were preaching through it, I got looks of surprise. Several had no idea what was in it. Often, Christians want to make it a metaphor for Christ and the church, and while that is part of what the Song of Songs teaches us, it teaches us so much more. 

And I think it is one of the most relevant books in the Bible because so many people in the church and outside of the church are confused when it comes to sexuality and what the Bible actually teaches. 

What should Christians think about sex?
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I looked at a popular pastor’s website out of curiosity. This pastor preaches through books of the Bible. In his ministry career, he has preached through every book except one.

The Song of Songs.

Why?

The Song of Songs is just as inspired as the book of Romans!

The Song of Songs is just as inspired as the book of Romans.
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By and large, Christians don’t know how to enjoy sex in the way God created it.

We know how to corrupt it, we know how the culture thinks about it, and so we either run the other direction (don’t enjoy it, don’t explore with your spouse, never talk about it with your kids) or we simply give in to the culture and live like them (adultery, sleeping around, porn, selfishness, sex as a weapon.)

Neither one of those is a good option or even a biblical one.

The Song of Songs shows us what marriage is supposed to be like. Spouses who adore each other, pursue each other, serve each other, seek to please and pleasure each other, all for the good of their marriage. Spouses who complement each other and know what the other likes and dislikes and then use that information to make the other happy.

Our culture, from broken homes, divorce, adultery, and porn, has no idea what sex is supposed to be like. Sex is seen as a weapon to get your way, so women wield it with power in their relationships. Many wives operate from the perspective of: I’ll give you my body, but only as I manipulate you to do what I want.

One of the other struggles our culture has is that our sexual identity has become the trump card and the most important thing about who we are. That is not what the Bible teaches, and when we make that the trump card, we limit ourselves to simply who we are sexually and what we do sexually. We then have a broken image of ourselves and see our value only through the lens of sex. This isn’t surprising when we think about how prevalent porn is.

Your sexual identity is not the most important thing about you.
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The Bible, particularly the Song of Songs, shows us that sex within marriage is not only to be celebrated, enjoyed, and gratifying, but it is also an act of worship to God.

The reason Christians often take the stance they do on sex within marriage (seeing it as dirty, a chore, or prudish about it) is that it is the easy stance to take. To have a healthy view of sexuality will often mean dealing with past addictions, past hurts, past abuse, and body image issues, and all of those are in places we push down, pretend are not there, and try to move forward from without dealing with them.

Sex, intimacy, and affection are the barometer of your marriage.

Sex, intimacy, and affection are the barometer of your marriage.
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If you want to know the health of your marriage, where you are in dealing with past hurts, and how you and your spouse are pursuing each other, simply look at your view of sexuality and intimacy: how intimate you are (sharing your hurts, dreams, joys, and secrets; how open you are), and your affection. I would add how often you are connecting sexually, but that is very nuanced as it relates to the season of life, parenting, and health issues. But if you find yourself pulling away from your spouse for any reason, those are things to pay attention to. 

If you pay attention to those things, you will probably know everything you need to know about the health of your marriage.

Why you should preach through the Song of Songs.
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After spending the last 9 weeks walking through the Song of Songs, I can tell you it is a worthwhile series to do at your church. 

The number of conversations I have had with people young and old, dating, married, single, divorced, and widowed, has been incredible. As you look at what you think of sex, dating, intimacy, and relationships, you uncover a lot that you grew up believing, things your family of origin shaped, and some things you need the cross to reshape and redeem. 

It is a risky series to do. 

I often talk to pastors afraid to step into it because they don’t want to alienate someone in their church. This is a real thing, and it takes a lot of effort to speak to everyone when you are talking about relationships. 

But I also think the reason many pastors don’t preach through this book is that they haven’t navigated the things that will come up in the series in their own marriages. Preaching through the Song of Songs places a massive mirror on the pastor’s life and marriage, which is good and scary at the same time.

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Every couple that gets married wants a great marriage. No one gets married in hopes of getting divorced or being miserable. But many couples simply settle and do things that work against them. 

So, what do healthy, thriving couples do?

They do many things, but here are a few:

They grow close to Jesus. This may seem obvious, but if you stray from Jesus, stop reading your Bible, and feel your relationship with Jesus suffer, many things go wrong.

Your desire to fight sin goes down, your willingness to serve your spouse goes down, your desire to love your spouse goes down, and your desire to stay pure goes down—all because of one thing. 

Couples who make it to the end keep God at the center of their marriage. They grow together spiritually, take control of their spiritual lives, and don’t leave it to chance. They read solid books together, they pray together, and they have a plan for how they will disciple their kids (they don’t leave that to chance either). They attend church together, are in a Christian community, and serve to use their gifts and talents. God is not some figure that appears periodically in their marriage but is what the marriage and family revolve around. Men ask how they can help their wife grow and become all God has called her to be.

They protect their marriage. Many couples stumble through this. They make their vows and wear rings, but too many don’t protect themselves when it comes to their minds, hearts, and eyes. Yes, they make sure not to sleep with someone they aren’t married to, but everything else is fair game.

A couple who lasts does not do that. 

The only thing on “their menu” is their spouse. They protect their eyes, they aren’t looking at porn, they aren’t fantasizing about that girl at work or the guy in the movie. They aren’t dreaming about their romance novel; they aren’t acting out (even with their spouse) in their mind. They act out with their spouse (and only their spouse). They make sure nothing will tear them and their spouse apart.

This isn’t just about vows and promises but about the priority you place on your relationship compared to others. Your kids matter, and you love them, but your kids come after your marriage. One of the fastest ways to go from a great marriage to being roommates is to place your kids above your spouse. Your kids will move out one day, and you will have only your spouse. At this point, most couples split because they no longer need to stay together for the kids and have nothing in common. Don’t let that happen. This doesn’t mean you neglect your kids and not do anything with them, but it means they come after your marriage. If you’re unsure where you stand, here are 10 ways to know you are putting your kids before your marriage.

They pursue each other. Pursuit is what got you married (because you started pursuing when you dated). Pursuit keeps a marriage healthy; pursuit is the first thing to go out the window of most marriages. The couples who last don’t leave this to chance. They make time for their spouse, have a yearly getaway, and do fun things with them, including weekly date nights. I’ve never had a couple who did this tell me they regretted it. I’ve had lots of couples tell me how long they have waited for this. Here are some ideas for doing date night at home and some help when date night falls apart.

Know that affection is the first thing to go, and fight against that. Affection leaves a marriage first—kissing when you say goodbye, holding hands, snuggling. 

The amount of affection you have is one of the best barometers for where your marriage is.
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All of these things happen to couples who couldn’t keep their hands off each other at one time. Fight this. When you kiss, kiss for 5-10 seconds. Throw some tongue in when you are just saying hello or goodbye—gross your kids out. Hold hands in the car. Kiss at a red light. Snuggle at night. I’ve said this before: The amount of affection you have is one of the best barometers for where your marriage is. Show me a couple with little affection and little sex, and I will show you a couple going in opposite directions.

3 Things that Make a Great Marriage
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Healthy and growing relationships require intentionality and specific choices. Otherwise, you drift into unhealthiness.

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Healthy relationships take work. Healthy marriages that people want to stay in don’t just happen, although we think they do. We believe two people magically work together, never fight, and never have an issue or disagreement to work through, but they do.

So, where do things go wrong? How can a friendship that was working so well, a marriage that seemed so right, suddenly seem all wrong?

And often, that’s how it feels. When a marriage goes off the rails, it feels sudden, but it has been moving in that direction for several months or years. 

In some ways, the list below is a dashboard to ask, “Are we going off the track and not knowing it?”

5 reasons marriages stop working.
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It’s too much work. Healthy relationships take a lot of work. It means being patient, listening, hearing someone out, and putting your wants and privileges aside. That’s work.

It means sacrificing and serving the other person, laying aside your wants and desires for the other person or your family. That is easier said than done.

It hurts too much to face their past or do the hard work. As we’ll see later, almost every fight in a relationship is not about what you are fighting about. You are fighting with a past incident, a hurt you haven’t dealt with, a person you see in the person in front of you. They remind you of your dad or mom; they said words similar to an abuser or someone who you were supposed to trust. Healthy people face their past and see it redeemed by the power of Jesus. This doesn’t mean that you pray, and it is gone. The memories and scars stay, but you move forward in healthy ways.

Unhealthy people use their past and stay the victim instead of finding healing. This is hard work and can be incredibly painful. In any argument, you have to ask the crucial question, “Are we fighting about this? What are we fighting about? Who am I fighting with?”

They want the other person to do all the work and change. Just like #1, being lazy and selfish in relationships is easy. Serving, putting in the work, putting the other person’s needs and wants first takes work. Often, too, we want the other person to work to become a healthy person while we stay unhealthy. “I’ll hold on to that incident and bring it up whenever it suits me. I’ll remind them of my hurt instead of dealing with it.”

They think they are better than their spouse or the other person. Sometimes, people are in an unhealthy relationship because they believe they are less sinful than the other person. They look down on them. They wouldn’t say this but hold the other person’s sin in contempt, thinking, “How can they not see that? Why do they struggle with that?” They turn up their noses at the thought of working hard to reconcile with a spouse or a friend. They will say it is the other person’s fault, but deep down, they are the least sinful person they know.

Confuse what reconciliation means. Reconciliation doesn’t mean you are friends with everyone. You might need to protect yourself from an abusive situation, and you may need to protect your kids as well. Reconciliation means that you don’t hold it against the person anymore and don’t bring up the past. You stop saying, “Remember…?”

5 things that hurt a marriage.
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Relationships are hard work. 

We don’t want to admit it. In our culture, something must be wrong if a relationship is difficult or takes work. Usually, it just means it is a relationship, a friendship, or a marriage. 

Many of our relationship difficulties come not from the other person but from us not reconciling our past and what no longer works in our lives and relationships. 

Almost all marriage and relationship problems go back to communication. One person is not saying what they want/need or the other person is not listening.

Neil Strauss said, “Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.”

Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments. -Neil Strauss
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What is saddest to watch, and I do this too, is we are content for a relationship to fall apart or not be what it could be instead of saying what we want or need. We settle for less. 

Dr. John Gottman says four things destroy relationships in his excellent book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. He calls them The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse. As I walk through these, listen to which one is your go-to move in relationships, because you have one.

The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse in relationships.
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Criticism. A complaint and criticism are different.

A complaint is, “I’m frustrated you didn’t put away your clothes last night.” A criticism is, “Why are you so forgetful? I hate having to pick up after you all the time. You just don’t care.”

Two words go with criticism: always and never. You always. You never.

Two words go with criticism: always and never. You always. You never.
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Or by asking, “What is wrong with you? Why can’t you remember anything? Why can’t I count on you? Why are you always so selfish? What is wrong with you? What is your problem?”

When we criticize a child, spouse, or friend, we demean them and elevate ourselves.

This also brings shame into the relationship, which is a powerful tool in relationships.

Contempt. The second horseman comes right after criticism and is contempt.

This sense of superiority over the other person comes through as a form of disrespect.

This will show up in cynicism, sarcasm, mocking, eye rolls.

This shows up regarding time management, parenting skills, in-laws, handling money, and almost any skill someone thinks they’re better than the other.

According to Gottman, “Studies show this doesn’t just destroy your relationship, but couples that are contemptuous towards each other are more likely to get sick.”

Do you look down on anyone in your life? It might be harming your relationships & health!
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Defensiveness. Defensiveness is a way of blaming your spouse, child, or co-worker.

It says, “The problem isn’t me; it’s you.”

Things you’ll say are: “Why are you picking on me? Everyone is against me! What about all the good things I do? You never appreciate me. There’s no pleasing you.”

Defensiveness keeps you from dealing with whatever is happening in the relationship. As long as the problem is “out there” or “someone else’s fault,” you don’t have to do anything about it (or at least that’s what we think.)

This will often show up as a child begins to process their childhood with a parent. Or when a child starts to push boundaries and tries to have independence.

Stonewalling. This one is powerful in relationships, but not in a good way.

This is when you disengage. You ignore. You walk out of the room while the other person is talking. You don’t respond in a conversation; you are silent.

Stonewalling communicates that you couldn’t care less about the relationship or situation.

Stonewalling is a power move.

Stonewalling in relationships is a power move.
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While men and women stonewall, studies show men more often do this.

I think for several reasons, but one is that they saw it done growing up, and men are afraid of engaging emotions in relationships.

I’ve learned in our marriage that if I want to hurt Katie deeply, I need to walk out of the room during an argument.

Do you know what they all have in common? This is important and easy to miss.

They are moves to protect ourselves in relationships. They are power moves to get what we want. But they are also how we seek to belong and find intimacy in unhealthy ways.

Power moves in relationships are ways we protect ourselves from getting hurt.
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In all relationships, we look for safety. Somewhere in our childhood, we learned that these can protect us and make us safe. And the truth is, they probably have made you safe in relationships until they don’t.

Here’s what I’d encourage you to do:

Which one is your move in relationships? Each of us falls into using criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling in relationships. Sometimes, we use all 4!

But there is one you probably use more than the other 3. 

Where did that come from in your childhood? Now comes some of the hard part, looking back. Where did that move show up in your relationships as a child? Did you use it then? Did a parent or someone close to you? We learned how to be safe in childhood and continued that into adulthood. It may be how your family communicated or worked in childhood. 

How did that serve you in your childhood? This idea came out of Chuck DeGroat’s book Healing What’s Within. We must acknowledge how criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling serve and protect us earlier in life. Part of moving forward to healthier places is accepting what has happened. This doesn’t mean you are saying what happened is okay or healthy, but accepting what you can’t change in the past is crucial to moving forward. 

In what ways is it no longer serving you? After seeing where the horseman in your relationship came from and how it served you, we need to look at how it is no longer serving you. In reality, your move to criticize, contempt, get defensive, or stonewall is doing the opposite of what you want. And while it may give you a sense of control, it pushes those you love the most away from you. It is getting in the way of your most important relationships. 

4 questions to help you move forward to a healthier place in your most important relationships.
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Today is Valentine’s Day. For Katie and me, Valentine’s Day is like any other day. We don’t go out to eat today because it is crazy expensive. However, we also strive to have a weekly date night and check-in time with each other.

Today is a day when we focus on love, and some of us long for love that has been lost or has yet to be found. Our church is in the middle of a series on that very topic!

Over the years, Katie and I have taught in various settings about marriage and relationships. We have also written countless posts about them and read many books and articles on marriage to improve our relationship.

10 articles to help strengthen your marriage.
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So, I thought I’d share our top 10 posts we’ve ever written on marriage:

1. 11 Ways to Know You’ve Settled for a Mediocre Marriage
2. Lies We Believe About Marriage
3. 18 Things Every Husband Should Know About His Wife
4. 10 Questions You Should Ask Your Spouse Regularly (this is one of my favorite ones)
5. The One Thing Destroying Your Marriage That You Don’t Realize
6. 10 Ways to Know if You’re Putting Your Kids Before Your Spouse
7. 7 Reasons You Aren’t Communicating with Your Spouse
8. How to Make Date Night @ Home Great!
9. 6 Ways to Make Your Marriage Refreshing
10. The 3 Things at the Root of Most Marital Problems

10 marriage posts for Valentine’s Day.
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Have you ever noticed that it is sometimes easier to be more open about your marriage or an area of your life with someone other than your spouse? Sometimes, venting about something on social media or to a friend or co-worker is easier than to your spouse.

Pastors do this, too.

One of the things people love in a sermon is when a pastor is open and vulnerable when they talk about their life. When they share their struggles, what they are learning, and how God is moving in their life.

Some pastors struggle with this. How much to share, when to share, what to share.

Many pastors love doing this, though.

Why?

Because people feel connected to us, and we feel connected to them. It creates conversations and connections through the act of preaching. 

Pastors also like it because it puts the spotlight on us, a battle many pastors fight against. 

The reality is that people like to talk about themselves, even if it is a struggle or a hurt in the past. 

Pastors are no different in this struggle.

Here is where many pastors then rob their marriages.

This doesn’t happen intentionally.

Pastors can be more open in their sermons than in their marriages.

Pastors can be more open in their sermons than in their marriages.
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I remember that after one sermon years ago, everything clicked, and it was a great sermon. I shared some things, and I could feel the room connecting. Everything went great that day. Afterward, Katie said, “I never knew that stuff.”

She was right. I was more open in a sermon than with her.

It’s easy to do, and many wives know the feeling of sitting in church and hearing their husband share something for the first time, thinking, “I wish he had told me that before.” Not because they are embarrassed but because they want to be close to their husband. They want the same vulnerability in their marriage, as he shows on stage in a sermon.

You should be more vulnerable in your marriage than in a sermon.
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As we’ve been going through this series, we’ve repeatedly seen the power of intimacy and our longing to be known, loved, and cared for, so much so that we will go to great lengths to experience this in relationships. 

We will go to great lengths to be known, loved, and cared for.
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The reason is simple: we were created to be known, loved, and cared for. 

Yet, because of Genesis 3 and the brokenness of the world around us and inside us, many of our attempts to be known, loved, and cared for have led to some of our deepest regrets. 

Many of our attempts to be known, loved, and cared for have led to some of our deepest regrets.
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Many times in our lives, we underestimate the power of sexuality, ours, and those around us. We underestimate our desires, longings, addictions, and past sexual histories.

When you read Scripture, you see that we are created for relationships, for intimacy. We are created for knowing, and we long for that. Yet, our culture has connected sex, love, and intimacy and made it a big mess.

You can be intimate with someone without having sex. You can have sex with someone without being intimate.

Sex, love, and intimacy aren’t the same things.
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This confusion has led many to seek intimacy in places we can’t find.

This confusion comes from a couple of places. Culture, friends, our family of origin and how they navigated the topic of sex, porn, movies, and even the church. 

On Sunday, I shared 7 lies that we often believe about sex and intimacy. Here are a few of them: 

Our culture tells us that sex is just physical. On the surface, this sounds right. But deep down, we know that sex is more than just physical. We know that something more is going on.

This is why we struggle to tell our spouse about our sexual past and how many people we’ve slept with; we struggle to let go of the shame of abortion, sexual abuse, or addiction. 

This is why whenever I meet with someone and they ask me, “Can I tell you something I’ve never told anyone?” almost 100% of the time, it is sexual.

Because sex is never just physical; there is something deeper happening within our souls when it comes to our sexuality and longings. 

Pastor Tim Keller talks about this when he points out what Paul was talking about in 1 Corinthians 6:18: Why would Paul instruct his Christian audience to “flee” from immorality? Here’s why: All other sins a person commits . . . Sexual sin is like no other sin. Paul puts sexual sin in a category all by itself. “All other sins . . .” Here’s the second part: All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.

One of the lies the church tells us about sex is if you wait until you are married to have sex, God will reward you with mind-blowing sex and a magical wedding night.

I was told this again and again as a student in church. This was the message for every true love waits event, every purity ring event. It is well intended. But connected to this is another lie, and that is, when you get married, you will be able to fully express yourself sexually without guilt and shame.

Why talk about lies and what influences us?

We often underestimate the power of the stories we carry. We rarely step back and ask if what we’ve been told and what we believe is true or not. 

To experience the full scope of what God desires for us when it comes to our sexuality, we have to look at the impact of what we carry and have experienced. Only then can we bring those things before the throne of Jesus and find forgiveness and freedom. 

We see the couple in Song of Songs 4 experience this complete freedom in their relationship. They are completely safe with each other and don’t hold back in their relationship. They exemplify what Daniel Akin says about marriage, “A Christ-centered marriage always has two givers. There is not a giver and a taker or two takers. The husband gives himself without reserve to his wife. She, in return, is set free to give herself without reservation or hesitation. This is the beauty and glory of a redeemed, Christ-centered marriage.”

What might this look like practically? Here are some thoughts: 

Face your story. What have you walked through relationally and sexually? You should connect with a counselor to help you unpack the layers of this and its impact on your life and relationships. 

Protect yourself and your marriage or future marriage. If you are single, protect your heart, mind, and body. Save yourself for your spouse. I’ve never met someone who regretted protecting themselves before marriage, but I’ve met many people who wish they had.

Couples, protect your marriage, protect your eyes, serve each other.

Compliment each other often.

Pursue each other. Be playful and flirting, no matter what age you are. 

Think about how to be attractive to your spouse. This is not just about a wife being attractive; dress in ways that entice your spouse and say, “I’ve thought of you by putting this on.” This means trying. You should go through your drawers regularly and get rid of clothes the other doesn’t like or that don’t fit anymore or smell a little bit. 

Instead of pulling away, risk the difficult conversation. Drifting in relationships doesn’t take any effort. But when we drift, there is always a reason we are pulling away, and so we need to ask, “Why? What is going on?”

The post The Power of Sex, Love and Intimacy in our Lives appeared first on JoshuaReich.org.

Photo by Becca Tapert on Unsplash

Throughout this series, I’ve discussed the differences between men and women and husbands and wives. Each has different roles in a marriage, some of which depend on personalities, the life stage of the family, and talents. 

In Song of Songs 2 and throughout the New Testament, the husband is tasked with pursuing his wife. In the same way that Christ loves and pursues the church (Ephesians 5). This doesn’t mean a wife doesn’t pursue her husband; she should. But the path to a woman’s heart is through pursuit. 

The path to a woman’s heart is through pursuit.
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When men hear the idea of pursuit, they often think of date nights, gifts, and sex. And while that may be a part of it, that is a small fraction of what I’m talking about and what she longs for. 

Before discussing what this might look like, let me provide you with a grid to help you think through it. 

Here’s a simple question I’ve used to evaluate my heart and how I’m doing as a husband toward Katie: Is your wife more alive in her identity in Jesus because she’s married to you? Ephesians 5 is all about coming alive to your identity in Jesus. Your wife is a gift from God that you will present to God and give an account for. So, is she more alive in her identity in Jesus because she’s married to you?

Is your wife more alive in her identity in Jesus because she’s married to you?
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Many men struggle because they try to do things they think their wife wants or need in their marriage. If they asked and were a student of their spouse, they might learn what she wants. You know this feeling if you have ever felt mystified in your marriage or felt like two ships passing in the night. 

Below are some questions to which every husband should know the answer at any point about his wife (note: your wife is not a static object, so the answer may change yearly, monthly, and maybe daily!).

Ask if you don’t know the answer; she would love to tell you.

While these questions are directed at a husband toward his wife, here are some questions a couple should ask each other regularly (perfect for your next date night).

18 questions every husband should know about his wife.
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Know Your Wife

A husband should know his wife better than anyone else. He should know her likes and dislikes, what excites and disappoints her, her story, hopes, and dreams. He should also know what she likes regarding romance, affection, and the bedroom and strive to serve her in those areas, not for what he can get but because of what God calls him to.

Here are some questions to help with this:

1. What foods does she like, what are her hobbies, and how does she relieve stress?
2. What hopes and dreams does she have? How can you help her accomplish them?
3. How is your wife doing right now?
4. What is romantic to your wife?
5. What gets your wife in the mood? What turns her off sexually?
6. What does your wife like in the bedroom? What does she dislike?

Do you know your wife better than anyone else?
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Understand Your Wife

1 Peter 3:7 calls for a husband to live with their wife in an understanding way, but to do that, you have to understand your wife. This goes closely with knowing your wife, but as her life changes, the kids age and move out, this will change regularly. A husband’s job is to stay on top of these things and know what is happening in his wife’s heart, mind, and soul.

Here are some questions to help with this:

1. Is your wife flourishing right now?
2. When is she most productive?
3. How much sleep does she need?
4. What does she need right now in the stage of life you are in to alleviate stress?
5. How is she doing on cultivating friendships with other women?
6. What areas is she hoping to grow spiritually (i.e., parenting, theology, spiritual practices)? How can you help her? What books can you buy her to read (hint: women read more than men)? 

Ever feel confused by your wife? Here are six ways to understand your wife.
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Honor Your Wife

Many men speak to their wives and treat her like one of the guys. She is not; she is more special than any car, boat, possession, child, or career. She is your most precious relationship, a gift from God. Treat her as such. Honor is a basic tenet of manhood. Let me say another way: if you don’t honor your wife, you are a child, not a man.

6 ways to know if you are honoring your wife.
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Here are some questions to help with this:

1. Are you respectful to your wife in private and public when you talk to her and about her?
2. Do you allow your kids to speak disrespectfully to your wife?
3. Does the way you talk about your wife demand that others look at her in a positive light?
4. Do you talk about her and look at her so others will look up to her?
5. If I spent 10 minutes listening to you talk about your wife, would I know she is your most important human relationship?
6. Do you pursue her daily, weekly, and yearly? Do you plan weekly date nights that show your love and attention to her?

18 ways to communicate love to your wife.
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