One of the things that gets us in trouble in our relationships is that we respond to people the same. The reality is that our response to people depends on some things. The boundaries we have with one person aren’t the boundaries we should have with another person.

The book of Proverbs states that there are 3 kinds of people: Wise, foolish, and evil. How do we know what kind of person we are dealing with? It depends on their reaction to the truth.

We’ve already laid out how to know if you are a wise person or dealing with a wise person and how to know if you are a foolish person or dealing with a foolish person.

But how do you know if you are dealing with an evil person? They aren’t the same, and we must deal with them accordingly. 

Henry Cloud, in Necessary Endings said, “Evil people are not reasonable; they seek to destroy.” 

Evil people are not reasonable; they seek to destroy. -Henry Cloud
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Here’s how you know you are dealing with an evil person: 

• They like to bring others down. 
• They are intentionally divisive. 
• They enjoy it when someone else fails. 
• They try to create the downfall of others. 

Traits of an evil person.
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When dealing with an evil person, you must go into protection mode, not helping mode. 

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Every relationship we have, the goal is to have a healthy one. But sometimes, we end up in unhealthy relationships.

Some people are easy to love. They are easy to get along with and have a relationship with while others are not.

Some people in our lives bring us life. And others that drain us.

But at some point, we all encounter someone who is emotionally unhealthy or merely immature. This person might look to you to give them something you can’t give them or don’t want to provide them within a relationship. They might want more time and attention than you can afford. They might want more energy or proximity to you than you can give them.

This doesn’t make this person terrible, but many people struggle on how to have boundaries with this person. Especially if you are related to them.

How to keep boundaries with needy people.
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So how do you create boundaries in unhealthy relationships or with unhealthy people?

Listen. You need to know how best to help someone move from unhealth to health, and that comes through listening.

Too often, at least this is true for me, it is easy for me to brush people aside. But one of the best ways to move a relationship from an unhealthy place to a good place is knowing what needs to be done, and that comes through listening.

Many times, I have assumed someone, their story or situation, or even the day they are having, and that assumption hurt the relationship. The truth is, you don’t know what the other person is going through, what they are experiencing, or the day they had.

Listening creates empathy, which can lead to understanding.

Hope for unhealthy relationships.
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Provide feedback. In listening, we gain the right to be heard by someone.

Most people don’t know how they come across. Or what it is like to be in a relationship with them. We don’t see the impact of our words or presence on other people. When we hurt someone, we are usually the last ones to find out.

This is why feedback is so valuable. Asking things like, what is it like to be on the other side of me? How did I come across in that meeting? Questions like this are crucial to be in a healthy relationship.

If you’re in an unhealthy relationship, you need to have the courage to give feedback to the other person. What they do with that information is up to them, but if you don’t, you don’t give the relationship a chance.

How to love extra grace required people.
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Help as much as you can. When you encounter an unhealthy person or an emotionally immature person, you want to help as much as you can. But you also need to know what your limit is. This is important; the boundary you set will be different than the boundary they want.

And that’s okay.

You aren’t responsible for how they respond or what they do. But you are responsible for your heart, your health, and not letting them pull you into things.

A healthy person can set boundaries and keep them. Unhealthy people can’t.

A healthy person can set boundaries and keep them. Unhealthy people can’t.
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This changes with the season in life. There are times that you have more emotional and relational energy for people and seasons when you have less. You have to be aware of this in your own life.

Tell them when they’ve passed a boundary. If you have set a boundary with someone and they cross it or ask for something you can’t give, tell them.

In relationships, this can be incredibly difficult and uncomfortable, especially if that person has hurt you or caused deep pain. Many times we’d rather pretend that nothing happened, that everything is okay instead of drawing attention to an issue.

But if we don’t, it will only continue to fester in us and the relationship.

Know you can’t save them. One of the hardest parts of a relationship with an unhealthy person is knowing that you can’t change them. You can’t save them. You can help them, love them, be there for them, but as Lysa TerKuest says, “You have to let the other person walk down the other side of the road.”

You have to let the other person walk down the other side of the road. -@LysaTerKeurst
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On Sunday, I talked about the reality that everyone, man or woman, married, divorced or single, is always one choice away from wrecking their life. If you missed it, you can listen to it here.

The question I always wrestle with is, “How?” How is it possible for so many professional athletes to throw it all away to take PED’s? Why do so many people sleep with someone they aren’t married to and lose their marriage? Why do people gamble with their finances and go into debt in hopes of finding the quick fix? Why do people gamble or look at porn while at work and lose their jobs? The list goes on and on.

In his helpful book Impact: Great Leadership Changes Everything by Tim Irwin, he says there are 5 steps to wrecking your life, or as he would say derailing your life. They are:

1. Lack of self-awareness. This comes when a person doesn’t know what could bring them down. They don’t know what their weaknesses are. Is it money, greed, power, sex, lust, a bigger house or car? What are they willing to trade their marriage, reputation, kids or future in for? If you don’t know that, you will be brought down.
2. Arrogance or misguided confidence. This is when a person sees someone wreck their life and says, “That could never happen to me.” This is when a person sins once and says, “I already did it once, what is one more time?” They have supreme confidence they can stop whenever or take back control whenever they choose. Or, that it won’t destroy their life.
3. Missed warning signals. This might be close calls in getting caught, being late to work for staying up too late, conviction from the Holy Spirit that you push away or even evidence that you might get caught.
4. Rationalization. This is when you start to say things like, “I deserve this.” Or, “This is my only vice.” Or, you blame someone else for your situation. “If my spouse was more attentive.” Or, “If I had a little more money we could get ahead.” Or, “My kids will understand when their older why I had to work like I did.”
5. Derailment. Eventually, with enough time, enough rationalizations, you hit the wall and derail your life.

The problem is that no one knows when derailment will hit. Some people get away with something for years.

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Only 2 weeks left in our series Fight and you don’t want to miss either of them.

As we continue this week and look at Judges 16:1 – 22 we see how our choices matter. Most of us make decisions everyday: what to eat, who to spend time with, what to buy, what shows or movies to watch, what to read or what websites to visit. We make these decisions often with very little thought about how they will affect our lives.

Yet, every choice impacts another choice.

Which leads us to a simple truth that we will unpack this Sunday: you are one choice away from wrecking your life. 

The question is, how close are you to that choice?

If you or someone you know struggles with making right choices in their life or keeping boundaries in their life, this is a great week to bring them to Revolution.

Remember, we meet at 10am on Sunday mornings at 8300 E Speedway Blvd.

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