Photo by Priscilla Du Preez  on Unsplash

All married couples long for their marriage to be refreshing. To be a place of safety, comfort, love, and peace. Yet, many couples do things that break this environment or, at the least, keep this from being what their marriage is all about.

They might not do it intentionally. Sometimes, we sabotage things that feel too good to be true.

There is a beautiful picture of what a marriage should be like in Song of Solomon 1:14. The woman compares their relationship to En Gedi. En Gedi is an oasis in the desert near the Dead Sea. Out of nowhere, this oasis springs up with lush trees, plants, water, and even a waterfall.

Yet, this is not what most relationships and marriages are like. Most marriages are filled with stress, pain, nagging, hurtful words, anger, outbursts, and even abuse.

It doesn’t have to be this way, and couples don’t get married to live in the desert; they get married hoping for the oasis. But how do you make the trip?

6 Ways to Make your Marriage Refreshing.
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Here are six simple ways to get there:

1. Stop nagging. Many couples nag at each other, put each other down, get on each other’s cases, and are mean to each other. This creates an environment no one wants to be in, a family working against itself. This isn’t rocket science, yet many couples nag and make fun of each other to accomplish something. When a couple does this, they will say that they are trying to get something done (a project, their spouse to change, wake their spouse up), but what is happening is pushing them away. Every time nagging occurs in a relationship, it comes from a place of brokenness. Sometimes, nagging comes from a place of disappointment, either in yourself, your spouse, or even where you thought your life and marriage would be at this point. Sometimes, you must grieve that things aren’t going as expected and learn to move forward, but that’s another post.

Nagging in relationships comes from a place of brokenness.
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2. Start talking. One of the best ways to make your marriage refreshing is talking. Opening up to your hopes, dreams, and disappointments, and sharing your past, your hurts, and your joys. Many couples who are in marriages that are not refreshing find themselves keeping things bottled up or opening up more to someone they aren’t married to than they do to their spouse. Your spouse should know more about you than anyone else. Always.

3. Start serving. If you look at couples in refreshing marriages, an oasis in the desert, you will see two people striving to outserve the other. One simple question to ask your spouse is, “What can I do to make your life easier or less stressful? How can I help you?” I asked Katie about this years ago, and her answer surprised me. She said, “Make sure the kitchen is clean before bed.” That wasn’t what I expected, but if that didn’t happen, we all got up the next day and felt behind or maybe had to finish cleaning something up that could’ve been done the night before. Here are a few other questions to ask your spouse regularly to work as one.

Happy marriage secret: Outserve your spouse.
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4. Start pursuing. What made you want to get married was pursuit. You did things together, couldn’t wait to see each other, and planned date nights and trips. You pursued your future spouse, which is one reason they became your current spouse. Along the way, the pursuit ended. Pursuing your spouse is one of the fastest ways to create a refreshing marriage. Plan date nights (they don’t have to be expensive), do things the other one likes (even if you hate it), participate in hobbies together (even if you don’t like the hobby), and lastly, pursue each other sexually. Husband and wife should initiate affection and sex regularly. As I discussed earlier in this series, long kisses are essential to any marriage.

1 thing every married couple needs to stop and 5 things you need to start.
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5. Start believing. Couples who have a refreshing marriage believe in each other. They believe in the best, hope for the best, believe in their spouse’s dreams, and encourage them to pursue them. A refreshing marriage is one where you never have to say, “Don’t you want to have? Don’t you want me to pursue my dreams?” A marriage stuck in the desert has those conversations. Remember, #3? This comes from a place of serving, and when you’re serving, you are willing to put your dreams on hold, if necessary, instead of fighting for them.

6. Start setting up. A refreshing marriage is one where spouses try to help the other succeed. They ask, “How can I set my spouse up for success? How can I make them look good to others? How can I help them reach their goals?” A desert couple says, “What about me and my dreams? Who’s setting me up?” A desert couple doesn’t fight for oneness but for themselves.

An unhappy couple doesn’t fight for oneness but for themselves.
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The reality is that even though every couple wants a marriage in the oasis, we will often choose the desert. It is what we know; it is easier, less work, and honestly, the desert allows us to be selfish.

Don’t buy it, though. No one lives very long in the desert.

The post 6 Ways to Make Your Marriage Refreshing appeared first on JoshuaReich.org.

Covid and quarantine have made everything challenging, but I think one of the biggest challenges is how to keep the romance alive in your marriage.

If that is something you are finding a challenge, or maybe you aren’t comfortable going out for dinner or having someone in your house to babysit your kids, here are some ideas on keeping that romance alive while you are at home.

7 ways to make date night special on a budget.
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1. Have a plan. Nothing hurts date night more than having no plan. In the same way that you plan going out, plan what it will look like at home. What will you eat, who is doing what, what time will things get started? Decide those things ahead of time. You may have to be more intentional about the plan for date night at home because you are at home.
2. Get dressed up. Don’t get into your pajama pants. Nothing shuts your brain down more at the end of a long day like getting into comfortable clothes. Wear what you would wear if you were going out.
3. No electronics. The fastest way to kill most date nights is turning on the TV, no checking out Facebook or Twitter or your email. Concentrate on each other if you decide together to watch a show or movie, great but make sure that it is part of the plan.
4. Plan a fun meal. It doesn’t have to be expensive or a feast, but something special. Something you wouldn’t normally eat. Katie and I love to try new recipes, so we’re always searching. There are so many blogs and ideas out there.
5. Eat with your kids. At home, we do an appetizer while our kids eat so that we can still eat dinner with them, talk with them about their day, and it helps to hold us over until we eat.
6. Know who will cook and who will put the kids down. It might be more relaxing for your wife to cook. She may want you to handle the kids or vice versa. Whatever it is, communicate that and stick to it.
7. Pick a night you are awake for. There are certain nights you are more alert and awake than others. Find that night and do date night on that night. If you have a long day on Tuesday, don’t do date night that night. Maximize the night where your energy levels are highest. I find knowing which night date night will help me to be mentally prepared for it.

7 ways to make a date night at home a success.
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Bottom line, don’t let your romance fizzle out during this season.

The post Making Date Night at Home Great appeared first on JoshuaReich.org.

One of the questions Katie and I get a lot is, “How do I get my husband to lead at home?”

How do I get my husband to lead at home?
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One of the biggest reasons men don’t lead at home is twofold: 1) They don’t think they can do it, and 2) Their wife is leading (because he isn’t and stuff has to get done), and she is very good at it.

2 reasons men don’t lead in their home.
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One thing men don’t do often is duplicate efforts. If you as a wife are leading at home, taking up the mantle of the spiritual life of your family, keeping the family on track in scheduling to make sure you aren’t overwhelmed, he won’t do it.

While Scripture calls men to lead in their homes, most women do it, and honestly most women are better suited to do it. But as I have seen over and over, and Scripture is on point with this, when we get off track from God’s way, even with gifting in the mix, it is disastrous.

So if you are doing anything you want your husband to do, stop doing it.

I remember Katie pulling me aside one time and saying, “I really want you to do _____ in our family, and right now I’m doing it. I’m going to stop doing it in hopes that you will pick it up.” I didn’t start overnight, but I was able to see the importance in something.

I think for a man to lead, he needs to drive the bus of what comes into his home in terms of TV and entertainment, protecting his family on the internet and what is taught spiritually. This does not mean he does it all. In fact, Katie does more of this than I do because she spends more time with the kids, but she looks for me to lead the charge on this.

Protect your family’s schedule. This means you need to make sure date nights and daddy dates are happening, you aren’t involved in too many things and you make sure priorities happen. (Which means if you make baseball practice and scouts more of a priority than church and community for 10 years, don’t be surprised when your kids go to college and leave church. It is not the church’s fault; the onus is on you as a man.)

Women, if your husband isn’t doing this, don’t berate him, don’t send him a link to this (unless you’ve talked about it), don’t hand him a book or tell him there are husbands doing this, so he needs to step up.

Ask God, pray for him, ask God to make him into the man God wants him to be, not the man you want him to be. And stop doing the things God has called him to do, even if that means something might not get done for a time.

Let me end with this. Men often struggle to do something they think they might not be good at, even the real risk-taking adventurous guys. They will take risks at work, but they are often scared to death about failing in front of their wife or kids. This is often the biggest barrier to a man taking the lead at home. This gives the wife a great opportunity to cheer him on and help him succeed.

A barrier to men leading at home is their fear of failure.
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Too many people do not set their spouse up to succeed. If you want your husband to take the lead at home, instead of nagging him one more time, how could you help him succeed? How could you cheer him on? What is one thing you could do to partner with him in this?

3 ways to get your husband to lead at home.
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The post How do I Get my Husband to Lead at Home? appeared first on JoshuaReich.org.

Today is Valentine’s Day. Today, countless couples will spend thousands of dollars on flowers, dinner and gifts. And because it’s Valentine’s Day, they will pay more than they should.

Valentine’s Day also reveals something and it could be a problem if you are married. For couples, men will pursue their wives. They will make plans, get a babysitter, buy her a gift and make it a special night, all about her. What’s wrong with that you may ask.

Read that paragraph again and see if you see it.

A couple of years ago, Katie was talking with some other mom’s around Valentine’s Day. All the mom’s were excited about a night away from their kids, with their husband and the things he was doing for her. They asked Katie what we were doing. This year Valentine’s Day fell on a Monday and our date night is Friday. She looked at them and said, “Josh isn’t doing anything tonight for me.” They looked sad, poor girl. She looked at them and said, “He doesn’t need to, every week we have date night so I know he pursues me each week and I have his undivided attention every week.”

Silence.

What if, the energy you spent on Valentine’s Day, you spent that each week for a date night? Now, there’s no way you or I could afford what you spend to make Valentine’s Day special. What if you took that energy and money and spread it over the year?

Here’s a successful date night (at home or going out):

• As a husband, you plan it. This communicates she’s worth your time. She feels pursued. You are able to serve her. 
• Planning means, you know where you are eating, what you are doing and got a babysitter.
• If it is at home, you put the kids down so she can relax.
• Turn your phone, computer and TV off.
• Look her in the eye and give her you undivided attention.
• Do this each week.

If, like most married couples you choose to do this once every 52 weeks, you’ll have the marriage most married couples have (which isn’t very good).

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