Tag Archives: betrayal

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When Life Gets Hard…

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Photo by Drew Beamer on Unsplash

All of us have lived through a challenging season. You might be in one now, just coming out of one, or one will be coming next year. 

They can happen when we least expect it: a disruption in our career or finances, a child that is hard to parent, a spouse who suddenly becomes distant, a sickness we didn’t expect or plan for, or simply life not going as we planned.

Challenges.

They are relational, financial, spiritual, emotional, and physical.

They know no limits. Challenges have no heart, so they aren’t worried about you and your survival.

The question isn’t if we will walk through them but how to do so. Often, especially as followers of Jesus, we are surprised when difficulties come our way. But we shouldn’t be. Jesus and the disciples all experienced difficulties. Jesus told us we should expect them and prepare for them. 

Difficulties don’t mean you are doing something wrong or have sinned; it might just mean you are alive. 

Difficulties don’t mean you are doing something wrong or have sinned; it might just mean you are alive.

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But what do you do when it arrives? How do you handle the phone call you weren’t expecting or the betrayal you never thought could happen? 

If you find yourself in that place or want to prepare better, here are 3 questions to ask yourself: 

3 questions to ask during a challenging season.

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  1. What is God trying to teach me in this season? It is easy to get angry in a challenging season and blame the person you think caused it. You may be right, but doing that will not help you. Eventually, that will exhaust you, and you’ll still be in a challenging season. So take a day, be angry, and then wake up tomorrow and start looking forward. By asking this question, you begin to understand what God is trying to do, which is helpful because it takes our eyes off ourselves. God does not waste experiences and moments. He uses them for his glory and our good.
  2. What is God preparing me for by having me in this season? Because God doesn’t waste moments, what we walk through today is helpful for tomorrow. Begin looking forward, looking, and asking God for what He is doing.
  3. What is God’s invitation to me in this season? This question comes from Jim Cofield in The Relational Soul: Moving from False Self to Deep Connection. This has been a powerful reminder to me in moments of pain and hurt. Often, in a place of challenge and difficulty, God is stripping away my arrogance and confidence in myself and teaching me to rely on Him. 

But how do we move forward in that season? It is one thing to spend some time digging into what God is doing, but how do we live in a challenging season that might last for years or our whole lives? How do we live with the losses that pile up in life? 

How to survive a challenging season.

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In his book Leadership Pain: The Classroom for Growth, Samuel Chand lists five things we know about God or learn through difficult seasons:

  1. God never abandons us, even when we can’t sense his presence.
  2. Our faith and character are developed most powerfully in times of adversity.
  3. God sometimes delivers us from pain, but he often delivers us through it.
  4. Life’s most defining moments are usually painful experiences.
  5. We do not grow in those moments by default.

5 promises of God to you in a challenging season.

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How to Let Go of Your Last Season

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During my transition from Tucson to Massachusetts, I read a beneficial book called Every Pastor’s First 180 Days: How to Start and Stay Strong in a New Church Job by Charles Stone. One of the things I came across in it was a quote from Lauren Suval, “Psychologists tell us that we can’t open a new chapter in our lives without closing the prior one. It’s called closure.”

Psychologists tell us that we can’t open a new chapter in our lives without closing the prior one. It’s called closure. -Lauren Suval

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Instinctively, we know this. But many of us miss out on the next season because we don’t let go of the last season. Instead, we carry hurt or bitterness into a new role, a new church, or a new relationship.

A season-changing event could be a life stage change (a child starting or ending school, becoming an empty nester); it could be a promotion or retirement; it could be a job change; a significant birthday, etc.

Here are three things to keep in mind to let go of the last season:

3 questions to ask to let go of something or someone?

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1. What (or who) do you need to grieve? What (or who) do you need to let go of? No matter how great the last season was, there are losses with it. No matter how much you are looking forward to the next season, there are things to grieve from the last season. Our kids recently started acting like teenagers with friends, phones, video games, movies, staying up late, and sleeping in. This is exciting and fun. But, Katie and I realized some of the things we lost: time in the evening as a couple, time as a family, etc. To move forward and enjoy this season, we have to grieve that and let go of it. We also have to figure out how to move forward into this new season (come back for the next post on that.)

One of the things I had to do when we left Tucson was grieving what didn’t happen. These weren’t necessarily bad things, but hopes and dreams that I had for our time there. Things I had hoped we would accomplish, things that I believed would happen, relationships I expected to play out that didn’t. This is painful and is simply listing out what we had hoped to do.

As the season closes, is there anyone you need to talk to? Is there any hurt you are carrying that you need to deal with? Sometimes, to move forward, you need to deal with your own heart, and it isn’t a conversation you need to have. Do you need to let go and give something or someone over to God? When I look back on Tucson, some of the things and situations that I need to let go of aren’t necessarily sinful. I’ve heard of people holding “funerals” for these or not following people and organizations on social media. But you will need to figure out how you should grieve and let go.

Is there anyone or anything you need to let go of?

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2. What do you need to celebrate? Depending on the season you are coming out of, this might be hard to do. It is easy to focus on the negative from a time, but how do you celebrate? What did God do through you, in you, and around you?

This list will probably surprise you. But this list will also not include things you had hoped for, which is why you need to grieve. On our last Sunday in Tucson, many of the people who were a part of Revolution (the church we planted in 2008) showed up at my last sermon to say goodbye. There were many tears and a lot of laughter as we remembered moments together, ways we saw God move. People were able to speak life to Katie and me about the impact we had made in their lives. This was so good for us and so humbling to see what God did in and around us. 

If you struggle with finding positive things, ask someone else. But part of the closing of a chapter is thanking God for all that He has done. This also helps to keep your heart in the right place.

3. What did you learn that will influence you in the future? The end of every season brings with it all kinds of lessons. At some point, you need to sit down and ask what you learned.

As a leader, every experience and situation I have is an opportunity to learn. As I look back on my 15 years in Tucson at both Revolution and Pantano, I have learned so many things. Some are things I’d like to continue doing, some are things I’d like to stop doing as a leader. There are specific lessons from my time of not being a lead pastor at Pantano that helped me further clarify who I am and how I lead most effectively. To me, my 18 months at Pantano was a season of preparation for this next season that I don’t want to waste.

The greatest thing I learned in the last 5 years is what matters most to me. God used my time at Pantano to clarify in my heart who I am, who I want to become as a leader and the path that He has me on. I’m so thankful for those insights He gave me. 

I think too often we are ready to turn a page in life that we miss God’s lessons for us. But, if we miss this, we will miss the full future God has for us. 

If we don’t let go, we will miss the full future God has for us.

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When You’ve Been Betrayed

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All of us have been betrayed. A spouse who walked out, cheated. A parent who left. A child who hurt us. It might be someone you work with or a member of your church. It could be someone who changed the details of a deal that you agreed to.

All of us have been been betrayed.

And when it happens, it hurts.

The reason is simple. The only way to betray someone means you have to be close to someone. While you can feel let down by a national leader or role model, betrayal only happens in close proximity.

The Saddest Thing About Betrayal Is That It Never Comes From Your Enemies.

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Ministry is a major place for betrayal and when it happens in a church context, it hurts.

A lot.

Last week I spoke at Exponential West and at each of my breakouts I talked to several people who were in the midst of betrayal or just walked through it. Here are some things I reminded them that may prove helpful to you when you find yourself betrayed:

  1. Jesus was betrayed. While this sound trite and Christianese when you have been betrayed, it should provide us comfort. Jesus knows what it is like to be betrayed. He knows what it is like to have friends fail him, walk out on him, lie and abandon him. This has helped me to walk through betrayal and misplaced trust.
  2. Their true colors will be seen. Our first inclination when we’ve been hurt or betrayed is to get back at someone. We want people to know that we are hurt, that they lied to us, we want to ruin their lives and name in the way they’ve ruined our lives. In the end, if someone doesn’t have character, it eventually comes out. If someone is lazy, eventually everyone knows. While they may not know as quickly as you’d like, everything comes out.
  3. It’s for your good. If Romans 8 is true, and I believe it is. Then when we are betrayed, God is and will use it for our good. In the moment, this does not always provide the comfort that it should, that’s more about us than God though. It is true and it does bring comfort for us. When you are betrayed, it is an opportunity for you to grow. You are able to see blind spots, or places you didn’t pull boundaries, or situations you didn’t give enough oversight to. Regardless, when you are betrayed, it can be a wake up call to get better at something and this is good.
  4. Take the high road, your true colors will be seen. In the same way that their true colors will be seen, so will yours. Again, not as quickly as you’d like, especially if you are in the right, but they will. If you have character, that will be shown, if not, that will as well.
  5. Don’t be bitter. Bitterness is waiting you when you are betrayed. Don’t give in to it. While God is working in all things, pray against bitterness, let go of the person and situation as quickly as you can (even though this may take months or years). Start. Ask people to pray with you against a hard heart. For Katie and I, when betrayal happens we pray Ezekiel 36:26 for our hearts, that God would replace our heart of stone so that it does not become hard.
When someone betrays you, take comfort, in the end they will be seen for who they are

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When Options are a Bad Thing

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options

Most of us love options. It makes us feel like we are in control of things and that we aren’t missing anything. This is why churches offer a ton of programs and why we love going restaurants with huge menus (think the Cheesecake factory). Studies show that, the more options you have, the less likely you are to buy. The more options a church has, the less people plug in. They don’t know what is most important and what they should give their time to.

I love the message version of James 1:5 – 8. It says: If you don’t know what you’re doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You’ll get his help, and won’t be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who “worry their prayers” are like wind-whipped waves. Don’t think you’re going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open.

That last phrase is crucial.

Many times when we pray, when we seek God’s direction, we don’t fully commit or move forward with God. We keep our options open.

We don’t fully invest in generosity, holding back just in case it rains and God doesn’t provide. We don’t fully commit to community or what He has called us to, just in case we got it wrong. This leaves us feeling in control, but it also keeps us from fully experiencing the life God has for us and has called us to.

Besides control, one of the other reasons we keep our options open in life and with God is boredom. We are creatures who fear boredom, who fear down time. Think about the last time you just sat on your couch. What do you do when life is quiet and nothing is happening? You probably grab your phone and scan twitter, Facebook, pinterest or instagram.

We train ourselves to wait to the last possible minute in life to make a commitment. We tentatively plan on being somewhere, but only if nothing better presents itself.

We keep our options open.

We do this with God. We read something in the bible, hear a sermon and see something we should change, but we wait. What if it wasn’t God speaking? What if there’s a way around this passage? I know the bible says this, but what if I do that?

All the while, we keep our options open.

We want to pray for something, like James tells us, but we don’t. A piece of us doesn’t want God to answer our prayers because that would call us to have faith, to trust, to wait on God and give up control. Instead of pushing all our chips into the corner with God, we hold on to one so we can keep our seat at the table if it doesn’t work out.

And then.

We miss out.

We go adrift. We are tossed around.

If your life feels like it is being tossed around. If you feel like you are being bounced and can barely hang on, there is a moment when you realize, you’ve kept your options open and you aren’t fully trusting God. You haven’t fully trusted His way, you’re still holding on to a piece of yours.

When that happens, James tells us that we don’t just miss out on a small part of Jesus, we miss out on the whole thing. We don’t get anything from the Master. 

We miss it all.