Category Archives: Healthy Church

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One Key to Changing Your Church Culture

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Photo by Ross Findon on Unsplash

One of the most difficult aspects of a change in leadership is changing the culture of that church, group, or organization. 

You can change the values, the mission statement, and the strategy. But those changes to values and strategy won’t matter if you don’t change the culture. 

Why?

Because whatever the culture is, that is what people do. 

Tod Bolsinger said, “Culture is the set of default behaviors and usually unexamined or unreflective practices that make up the organizational life and ethos of a company, organization, family or church. In short, organizational culture is the way we do things around here.” 

Organizational culture is the way we do things around here.

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To change culture, you must look at how things are done. How do decisions get made? Who needs to be in the room for those decisions to be made? Do decisions get made by a small group after the meeting?

You can have the most outward-oriented strategy as a church, but you won’t be effective if your behaviors don’t match that. 

Many new pastors come into a church and think that if they change the mission, vision, or strategy, they have changed the church. 

But the group will always default to culture. 

How does that culture get set?

Culture is rarely decided on. A meeting is held to work through vision, values, mission, and strategy. But a meeting is rarely held to decide culture. Culture simply happens. It happens through behaviors, policies, celebrations, and demotions. When you cheer someone on, culture is set. When you scold someone or redirect someone, culture is set. 

John Kotter said, “Organizational culture is usually set by the group’s founders and reinforced through success. When a value leads to a behavior resulting in a desired outcome, the values and behaviors become embedded in the group’s DNA.” 

Culture is reinforced through success.

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One important thing leaders need to do is listen to the stories people tell. You will find the culture and where things came from in those stories. 

To change a culture, you must connect that culture change to success. 

People will always default to what brought success in the past. If they see momentum from a ministry project or behavior, they will seek to replicate that. 

As you change culture, focus on new behaviors and do whatever you can to connect them to success. 

To change culture, focus on new behaviors and do whatever you can to connect them to success.

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7 Ways to Find the Best Ministry Ideas for Your Church

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Has this ever happened to you? Someone approaches you after your service and asks, “Do you know what our church needs? A ministry for _______.” Or, “do you know what we did at my last church? We did ______.” 

Now, that blank is often a good idea. It might be a great idea. 

What many people and pastors fail to realize is that usually the person asking it doesn’t want that. They may think they want that or want to be a part of it, but they don’t.

When to say yes to something at your church.

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Typically, when someone in a church says, We need a women’s ministry or a class on finances or prayer or parenting, we need a group for empty nesters or college students, church leaders jump and start one up because “they don’t want to lose this influential person.” 

When this class or ministry starts, do you know who probably won’t be there?

That’s right.

The person in the original conversation.

Why?

When it comes to our spiritual growth, we usually don’t know what we need. 

When it comes to our spiritual growth, we usually don’t know what we need.

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We often want what we think others have. We look at the end product of another church, another ministry but don’t ask, “What led them to start that? What need were they trying to reach? Does that need exist in our church or city? If it does, what is the best thing to reach it?”

Another reason pastors jump at these ideas is they aren’t clear on what their vision is and what the church should or should not be doing, so they do ideas to make up for that. 

But how do you know what to do when that new idea comes up? How do you make sure you don’t miss what God is doing in your midst?

7 ways to know if now is the time to start something new or kill something old.

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Does it reach our target as a church? Every church has a target whether they admit it or not. The target of your church, whether that is families, singles, students, or empty nesters should drive many of the decisions of your church. Your target is who you are best situated to reach and who God has called you to reach. You want to reach everybody but are best suited to reach certain people in your city. Who that target is will determine the ministries and ideas you run with as a church.

Your target is who you are best situated to reach and who God has called you to reach.

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Does the answer to question 1 matter? Sometimes, the answer to question 1 doesn’t matter. God is calling you, your church, or your team to move forward with the idea that your target doesn’t matter. This won’t happen a lot, but I wanted to put this in there.

Can we afford to do it? Do you have the structure, the bandwidth, and the finances to make something happen? Just because it is an idea doesn’t mean you can afford it in this season. Maybe your team doesn’t have the energy for a new idea. That’s okay and something you need to be honest about. You might not have the financial bandwidth to do all that you want to do. 

Can we afford not to do it? If you don’t do something, what happens? Not enough pastors list what happens if they say no or not. Often, we live in fear of people, losing people, making someone angry, and never list out, “What happens if we say no?” Often, saying no will not mean the world ends. Saying no might mean you lose people, but saying no may not mean anything. You at least need to play out what happens if you don’t do something. 

Is now the time to do this? Just because an idea is good or great does not mean now is the time to do it. Church planters often feel this tension as the larger church down the road can do a lot more than they can. That’s okay, let them.

As a leader, you must constantly ask, can we do this? Is now the time? Or do we need to wait?

If we do this, will it hurt something else we do? Many times, we unknowingly undermine something that we are already doing by doing something else. Too many churches continue to add to their ministry list without taking something away. 

Can we be great at doing it? Too many churches do too much because that’s what churches do instead of asking if we do this, will we be great at it? Can we do this better than someone else? Don’t just do concerts, Awana, or classes to have them. Be great at the things you do. This will mean you will do less. How do you know what you can be great at as a church? Look who has God has given you and what gifts and passions they have. 

The reality when this conversation happens is the person who says, “We should do ____” wants to see their church be great, and healthy and reach more people. You, as a leader, though are held accountable for knowing when the time is right to say yes.

2 overlooked but incredibly important principles for pastors and churches.

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How to Bring Clarity to Your Church & Ministry

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Photo by David Travis on Unsplash

If you’re anything like me, you need to focus. There are times when you need to hunker down and get things done. Yet, your mind wanders. You daydream or think about what will happen later today or tomorrow. It could be a conversation, a meeting, or a vacation you can’t wait to start.

Your lack of focus might come from no desire to do what you are doing, how hard something is, or because you didn’t sleep well last night.

I often cannot focus well because of the whirlwind around me.

Clarity and focus come from having “white space.” This is where you can shut down social media or email and think. To narrow down what matters the most right now.

I’ve heard John Maxwell say that leaders could stop doing 80% of what they’re doing, and no one would notice. That feels high, but there is some merit to it.

Leaders could stop doing 80% of what they’re doing and no one would notice.

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Each day you must be able to say, “If I accomplish nothing else today, here’s what must get done.” That focus helps you to stay on track.

When you find your brain wandering, stand up, walk around, get some fresh air, and then return to something.

Clarity for Your Church or Organization

Clarity doesn’t just matter for you; it has enormous implications for your team and church.

Many teams lack clarity. They are stuck in a whirlwind of activity, simply doing the thing right in front of them. This is easy to do in a church because worship services come around with such regularity (every seven days), so there is a deadline to that whirlwind.

For our team, just like in our family, we discuss what is most important for the next 2-6 months as a team. What are we all going to be working on and moving towards?

In a church setting, it is easy to lose sight of why you are doing something or why something started, and slowly, it is just what you’ve always done. 

Why Clarity Matters

Without clarity and focus, anything and everything is important.

This is where many churches and people get off track in their lives and ministries.

Clarity says this matters more than that.

That is hard to say because it determines ahead of time what you will think about, work on, spend money on, and give manpower to.

Whether you sit down and write this out or say it, you do this daily exercise.

The ones who accomplish things and see greater effectiveness are the ones who decide this instead of falling into it.

The days that I flopped into bed with a feeling of “What did I accomplish today?” were when I wasn’t focused and allowed my day to get away from me.

Amazingly, as you read through the gospels, you see Jesus’s incredible focus. He was fully present wherever he went. Whether teaching, healing, resting, praying, or spending time with his disciples, he was focused on what he was doing. When you think about what he did, you also understand what he didn’t do. He made the choices we have to make every day: what will get our time, energy, and attention?

Communicating Clarity

Patrick Lencioni said, “A leader is to create clarity, communicate clarity, and overcommunicate clarity.”

This is hard as a leader because to do this, you have to be clear on what you and your church are doing. This can lead to a divide, and some people may decide they don’t want to move forward with you, which is hard to navigate. 

Once you have clarity, you must communicate it and continue to communicate it. 

This can feel like a broken record, and you get tired of hearing yourself say it, but you must remember that every time you communicate clarity at your church, someone hears it for the first time. I say the same thing every Sunday when I stand in our volunteer prayer circle. Why? We need to be reminded why we are there, and every week, someone is serving for the first time, so they haven’t heard it. 

How do you know if you’ve communicated it?

One is you are tired of hearing it. But the second is you start hearing people say it back to you. And thirdly, you start hearing people pray for it. 

When these three things happen, people get the vision. 

How do you know if people get the vision? One is you are tired of hearing it. But the second is you start hearing people say it back to you. And thirdly, you start hearing people pray for it.

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How to Hire the Right Church Staff

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Photo by Ryan Riggins on Unsplash

Every leader and pastor knows that to reach the goals you have in your heart for your church and to fulfill the mission that God has called you to, you must find the right team. Nothing is more important than the people you put around you. Whether they are elders, volunteers, or church staff. This has never been more important, but with COVID, this has never been more difficult.

All leaders know that nagging feeling. It keeps them up at night and gives them indigestion. It creates anxiety, stress, and even anger. What is it from? Having the wrong person in a leadership role. Sometimes, it might be a mismatch of skill; it may be that the person isn’t capable of leading a ministry or team at the size it is. This happens when someone struggles to lead at the new size of a church, as leading in a church of 100 is different than leading in a church of 500. The mismatch can also be a character issue you didn’t see before or recently developed.

But how do you know? What do you do with the feeling that someone shouldn’t be in their leadership role?

Jim Collins in Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap…And Others Don’t said, “Two key questions can help. First, if it were a hiring decision (rather than a “should this person get off the bus?” decision), would you hire the person again? Second, if the person came to tell you that he or she is leaving to pursue an exciting new opportunity, would you feel terribly disappointed or secretly relieved?”

Over the years, these questions have helped me evaluate the leaders that I have and where we are as an organization. 

2 questions to ask yourself before hiring that person or placing someone in a leadership role at your church.

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This doesn’t mean that if you answer, no you wouldn’t hire this person again, that doesn’t mean you let them go. Especailly if the issue is around competence as opposed to culture fit or character. Compentence is the area that you need to spend time on to level people up if they can be.

What do I mean by that? Not everyone wants to grow as a leader. People are often content to stay where they are and not grow or develop. That isn’t a character flaw or even wrong, but it might mean they can’t continue growing with your church or culture. 

But how do you know ahead of time? All of us have led people who shouldn’t be leading, weren’t bought in, or weren’t capable of leading in the role they are in.

In his helpful book Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, Greg McKeown said, “If the answer isn’t a definite yes, then it should be a no.”

If the answer isn’t a definite yes, then it should be a no. -Greg McKeown

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While McKeown was applying that to opportunities, I think it is incredibly applicable to hiring someone, raising a volunteer leader, or putting someone into a new leadership role.

If you have a gut feeling they shouldn’t be there, wait. If a trusted leader tells you to wait, listen up.

If someone seems over-anxious to lead something, wait. If someone seems to be hiding something or something doesn’t add up about them, wait.

There is no harm in waiting.

I know. I hear you, church planter and pastor. You need someone. Who is doing it if you don’t put someone into place?

Possibly you. Possibly no one. You may need to wait on a ministry or miss a vision opportunity because you don’t have the people you need.

There have been times in churches I have been a part of where we have missed opportunities or we’ve not grown or we haven’t done a ministry because we didn’t have a leader. This is hard and sometimes people leave because of it, and you lose momentum or people.

Those are never easy, but they are all easier than removing the wrong person.

2 things to remember before you put someone into a leadership role at your church.

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How Covid Changed Church Staff Cultures

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Photo by Tim Gouw on Unsplash

The further we get from March 2020, the more we see how COVID has changed our world.

It changed our world in some significant ways. The same happened within the church. We’ve seen how COVID changed giving patterns, attendance, and serving patterns for people; the list goes on and on.

Just as it changed workplace cultures and patterns, the same has happened for church staff. We are just beginning to see what has changed, and pastors and boards need to start paying attention before we get too far down the road. While it may have brought about some welcome changes, it made some bad ones.

Here are 5 ways I think COVID changed church staff cultures that we need to pay attention to:

5 ways COVID changed church staff cultures

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Everyone is exhausted. A lot has been written about the exhaustion and weariness everyone feels. Not just pastors but everyone in our churches is weary.

And believe me, it is real. I feel it, too.

As you lead your team, you must understand this because it is not going away. As you lead your volunteers, this is your new reality.

People have less time, less energy, and less desire to do the things they did in 2019. Churches must account for this and think through this.

As a pastor or team lead, you must continually check on your team. How are they physically, emotionally, spiritually, relationally, and mentally? You must keep a pulse on your team, and the dashboards running your team, to ensure you have the energy you need to make it to the end.

We stopped looking forward. During COVID-19, it was about what is next. The next day, the next week. And that makes sense because things were changing daily and weekly. Could we open this week? What did we need to know to open this week? What were the current guidelines for gathering, etc.? What were people’s comfort levels about those guidelines?

What happened because of that, though, is we stopped looking forward. We stopped asking questions about the next year, 3 – 5 years, and beyond. Ten-year visions were thrown out; sermon planning was thrown out because we changed our sermon schedules every month.

But now, as a leader, you must pull back and ask where you are going in the next 3 – 5 years. What dreams has God placed on your heart?

As a leader, you must pull back and ask where you are going in the next 3 – 5 years.

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Many pastors and church teams don’t have the energy to look forward and dream. That’s why raising your leadership capacity is so important to lead to what is next. 

You must take time to ask, what is our next big goal? Our next big dream that God has given to us?

The churches, pastors, and teams who can start to dream again will catalyze their church for the future. 

The churches, pastors, and teams who can start to dream again will catalyze their church for the future.

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No one knows who is responsible anymore. During 2020 – 2021, everyone’s jobs changed. Suddenly, you were doing things you weren’t hired to do because things changed and new things had to get done. Or, churches were trying to figure out how to fill 40 hours a week for people who no longer needed to do what they were doing. 

Then, as churches started to regather, old responsibilities were added back on; some roles stayed the same, and others completely changed. It created situations where people need clarification on who is doing what or what the win for their role is anymore. They are wearing multiple hats, and some of those hats aren’t what they were hired for. 

Hence the exhaustion that everyone is feeling. 

But as a leader, you must bring clarity to your organization. 

Who is doing what? Who is responsible for what? What are your top 3 priorities right now as a church?

There was less oversight. As more and more churches embraced working from home or a hybrid office model, there was less and less oversight. I talk to many lead pastors who are now frustrated with the lack of work their teams are producing and aren’t sure what to do about it. 

It is a combination of exhaustion and the reality of being thrust into a remote work environment you didn’t plan for. Most pastors struggle to embrace it and figure out how to thrive. 

Your team might need more oversight. If they do, they need to be trained, or else you have the wrong team. The best staff don’t need oversight but coaching and guardrails so they can thrive in them. 

The best church staff doesn’t need oversight but coaching and guardrails so they can thrive in them.

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As a pastor, I know what you’re thinking: “I don’t have the energy to train and coach people. I’m exhausted.” You must deal with your exhaustion so you can step up your game. 

In this post-COVID world, we must focus more on results and what is being accomplished than the old way of working at church, where we focused on how many hours people were in the office. 

Do you have clear objectives for yourself? For your team? What do you hope to accomplish in the next 3 – 12 months? Does everyone have clear results to accomplish week in and week out? Don’t just assume they know because there is a good chance they don’t.

In this post-covid world, we must focus more on results and what is being accomplished, as opposed to the old way of working at church where we focused on the number of hours people were in the office.

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What we tolerated and allowed during COVID-19. Whatever level of work you allowed and tolerated on your staff during 2020-2021, that is now what your team thinks you tolerate and allow in 2023 and beyond. 

Whatever level of work you allowed and tolerated on your staff during 2020-2021, that is now what your team thinks you tolerate and allow today.

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If it was okay to hand things in late, not get things done, and blow off assignments, that happened because of the changing world we live in. Many employees and pastors now think that is normal, and it will require you to have some hard conversations and deal with some things in your work culture. 

The reality of the last few years is that work standards changed across industries. But in the church world, we have this idea that being nice is the same as being Christlike. So, we don’t have hard conversations or talk about work being done below the acceptable level (or not at all) because we don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. Holding someone accountable is being Christlike. Tolerating poor work, or no work, is not okay.

For churches, people give every week, so our standard of work must be high. Not perfection. Not killing ourselves, but it must be worth the investment people make in the church and the kingdom of God. 

5 areas of your church staff culture you need to pay attention to.

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Covid changed our world and our churches. We must pull back to ask how and if we like what it did. If not, it is time to do the work to make course corrections. 

And yes, this will take work. 

I talk to many leaders who are exhausted (and I feel it), but the job of leaders is to get in there and lead. Do what you need to do, what God has called you and your church to do. There is too much at stake for you to coast through leadership. 

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Major Life Transitions and our Commitments

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Photo by Jeff Sheldon on Unsplash

I don’t know if you’ve noticed this in your life, but I have seen it play out in mine and countless others, and it is this: When we experience major life transitions, we reevaluate and rethink our commitments.

When we experience major life transitions, we reevaluate and rethink our commitments.

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You have seen this play out at your church if you’re a pastor.

Whenever we walk through a life transition: birth, death, divorce, retirement, becoming an empty nester, going to college or grad school, or moving, we also tend to pull away from community and church.

The latest data backs this up, pointing out that moving is the number one reason people leave church.

Let me be clear. I’m not saying this is right or wrong, only that it is real.

Maybe you had someone in your church who was highly involved, and then all their kids moved out of the house, and they stepped back from their community group and serving teams. Maybe someone retired who was a group leader is now taking a break.

This is natural, and I’m not bemoaning in any way, shape, or form. Just as we enter new life stages, we make changes.

One reason is that our lives have changed.

When you add a child to your family, your life is different. When you enter the teenage years or become an empty nester, your life has taken on new responsibilities and meaning.

It is a time to pull back and ask yourself some questions.

All that preamble leads to this post: Pastors need to be more aware of this as they bring people into leadership and how they navigate transitions. When we add someone or someone leaves one of our teams, we overlook what is happening in their personal lives or what is on the horizon in their personal lives. 

As leaders, we also need to be aware of the transitions we are walking through, will walk through, and prepare for those. We need to do the same for those we serve with.

This doesn’t mean you make major changes to your life whenever you go through life stage transitions, but it is also a normal part of life.

Over the last decade, I have seen this play out time and again with people in the church. Now, I am more aware of it. Are we putting someone into leadership who is about to have a life stage transition? I have conversations with people on my team about the transition they are walking through, what they need, how it affects them, and their role. 

There is very little we can do about this reality because it is real and an important part of life, leadership, and church involvement, but we must be aware of it as pastors. 

One surprising reason people stop attending church or change their serving patterns.

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How a Church Falls

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Have you ever seen a church fall?

We’ve seen leaders fall, but what about churches? Once, they were growing, healthy, seeing people come to faith and grow in maturity, and then, seemingly overnight, that wasn’t happening. At first, the people in the church are completely unaware of it. Giving or attendance may dip a little bit, but leaders explain it away. But slowly, if you look closer, you see that the church has lost hundreds of people in a few years.

But why?

Because a church loses its way, they didn’t do it on purpose, but slowly, they did.

Years ago, I read a fantastic book by Jim Collins called How the Mighty Fall. In it, he lays out how companies fall, and often, they fall, and they are completely unaware of it. While the book has a lot of insights for pastors and churches, there are some clear reasons a church falls.

But how does a church fall?

You could say it’s when they lose their purpose, take their eyes off Jesus, and focus on man, buildings, money, etc. But the reality is that a church can do that and not fall. They can keep growing, reaching people, and doing things. It is often, in looking back, that we see a church has fallen. 

We could say it is through metrics. When attendance or giving drops, salvation, and baptisms drop, a church has fallen. But that can also be a seasonal thing, a situation or crisis the church is going through that needs to be weathered. 

The other day, I found myself in 2 Kings 17 in my daily reading. At the top of my building is a heading that reads “Why Israel Fell.” As I read it, the comparisons for churches were striking. The writer of 2 Kings lays out 3 reasons why Israel fell, and I think have profound implications for pastors and churches. 

Here they are: 

3 things that lead to a decline in the church.

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Doing what is right in their own eyes. This is a common refrain in the Old Testament, specifically the book of Judges. The people fall away when they do what is right in their own eyes. When this line appears in Scripture, you know that sin is a major part of people’s lives: idol worship, forgetting the work of God, and moving away from God’s commandments. 

Churches do this when they start doing things to gain a crowd instead of forming people in the likeness of Jesus. This happens within church communities when sin abounds, people are in conflict, and it isn’t resolved, gossip runs rampant, and people are divisive around things they shouldn’t be about. 

Repeating the past and not learning from it. One of the biggest struggles for a church in decline is to try to recapture the glory days or when things were working in a church. The thinking goes if we can get back to what we were doing, then everything will be okay, or we will return to what it was. Or, if we can do the ministries we used to do, we will be where we used to be. And while that can be true, it rarely is. Those ministries and how they were being done can often be what led to the decline. 

Recapturing the past or the glory days will rarely turn a church in decline around.

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To move forward and keep a church from decline, it must move into the new season that God has for it. We must celebrate and remember what God did in the past but not cling to it. 

The other trap the church falls into is not learning from the past. Often, when a church goes through a difficult season, it is easy to pin that season on one person or a group of people without looking under the hood of the church to ask how that happened or what is in the DNA of the church that might need to be dealt with. Churches have origin stories, like families, and there are things within the emotional system of a church that will continue to be passed down if they aren’t dealt with. 

Not doing the will of God. The last thing a church that falls does, and this will be obvious, but not doing the will of God. The Bible is clear on what the church should be about and focused on. Yet, many churches find themselves not doing those things because of what they think or want churches to do or because the church down the road does it or has this ministry or that one. Also, churches overlook the season God has their church in and want to fight against it. When that happens, it only leads to hurt feelings and frustrations. 

3 things churches do that lead to decline and frustration.

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Pastors Lose 5 – 7 Relationships a Year

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The other day, I saw a post from Brandon Cox that stopped me in my tracks. He said, “Most people will lose 5 to 7 significant relationships over the course of their lifetime, but pastors lose 5 to 7 significant relationships per year.”

As I thought about it, that has 100% been my experience. I reposted it and heard from countless pastors, PKs, and spouses who said, “This is real life in ministry.” One person said, “My relational world improved when I stepped out of ministry.” One said they had “recently lost 90% of their friendships…and so have our kids.”

What is it about ministry that makes relationships and friendships difficult? Are they different from other jobs or spheres of life? 

I think ministry makes friendships difficult because of how relational church is. One would think that this would be an advantage, and while it can lead to community forming quicker, it can also lead to heartache when someone leaves the church. 

Before sharing thoughts on what to do about and how to be in ministry regarding friends, why do relationships end or become difficult?

Why are relationships in ministry so hard?

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As I said, ministry is relational, which surprises people who aren’t in ministry to hear the above comments. Because of how relational ministry is, friendships can begin quickly if you meet the right person. You spend a few lunches or dinners together after church very quickly. 

But often, those relationships end when you no longer hold the church (or something else) in common.

Most friendships in life are about proximity and frequency. 

Most friendships in life are about proximity and frequency.

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This sounds mean to say, but it is a reality. You build friendships with the people you see regularly, and when that regular basis ends, the friendship often ends or becomes less significant. Parents experience this when they know someone on a child’s sports sideline, but the season ends. The same happens with work friends or other hobbies that bring you together. It doesn’t mean you don’t like that person, but the relationship also changes when the proximity and frequency change. 

What does this have to do with pastors and churches?

Many of the relationships that pastors and their families have are in the church. When that proximity and frequency changes with someone, the relationship changes. Pastors and their families have always experienced this, but it has become more pronounced in recent years. Why? Covid and politics are a big reason for many of these relational changes. Pastors saw countless people leave their churches in 2020 – 2022 because of restrictions and decisions that churches made or didn’t make. For me, it was mind-blowing to watch.

But people leave churches for other reasons. They stop attending as frequently because of life situations, whether that is work, hobbies, or kids’ sports. They move, which leads to leaving the church. They leave because the church is changing (usually centered on the lead pastor’s decision). Once, our family lost over a dozen friendships because of a change at our church. It is hard to explain and comprehend that in your heart and mind. One person commented on my post about losing 90% of their friendships in a season of ministry. 

So, what do you do? How do you move forward as a pastor or if you’re married to one?

The first reality is what many pastors have done. They’ve left the full-time ministry. And this may be where you are, especially if you are struggling to keep a soft heart towards those in your church or even open yourself up to relationships. At the very least, consider a break of some kind. Having a soft heart and keeping an eye on how open I am to people is a gauge I’m constantly aware of. And this may be where you are permanently or for a season. Let me be the first to say I understand that and don’t begrudge you. While that’s a longer post, a person who steps out of pastoral ministry for any time shouldn’t feel guilty. 

But, there are some things to do to stay and move forward in ministry related to friendships. 

Navigating friendships and pastoral ministry.

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Prepare for losses. One of the things I was not prepared for entering ministry was the losses I would accumulate. This isn’t just related to friendships but includes them. People we have vacationed with, people we opened our hearts up to and shared deep and intimate things leaving you and stabbing you in the back, is incredibly difficult. Having staff members turn on you or your family is incredibly painful. Walking with couples through difficult seasons only to have them walk away from you and each other. 

You have to prepare for that. I wish it weren’t true, but it is part of leadership and ministry, especially regarding social media. 

You also have to prepare your spouse and kids for this reality. Because somewhere along the way, they will lose a friend because they are related to a pastor. And that is hard for them to understand, especially your kids. 

Is there another job where your kids can lose friends because of a decision you make or don’t make? I’m sure there are other jobs like that, but I’ve had a hard time figuring one out, which is one thing that makes pastoral ministry unique. 

As a pastor, you must prepare yourself and your family for losses.

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Grieve losses. But as losses stack up, you must grieve them, or you will carry them. This will take the work of a trusted friend or even a counselor. But you must have someone who can help you grieve the pain you accumulate in ministry and life. If you don’t, this will hinder your ministry, and you will make other people pay for the sins others have committed against you. You also need to help make space for your kids and spouse to grieve the losses they experience in their relational world related to the church. This becomes a bit easier if you move and are no longer at the church, but you will still carry losses even across state lines. 

Make friends inside and outside the church. When I entered the ministry, an older pastor told me I shouldn’t make friends in the church I was a part of because it was impossible. Many pastors have this idea. While I wouldn’t say it is impossible, I would say that making friends inside the church you are on staff at is important and necessary, but it also takes wisdom. 

As a pastor, you need to have a community in your church because relationships are about frequency and proximity, and that’s your church. It will also be very lonely for you as a pastor if you aren’t friends with people at your church or people you are on staff with. But you need wisdom about how those friendships go, what you share and don’t share. You have to be clear about relational lines, authority lines, etc. And that is where it gets difficult in a church setting. 

Pastoral friendships are important but take a lot of wisdom.

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It is also helpful to have friendships outside of your church. Other pastors know what you carry, your weight, and the difficulties you endure. People you can call and unload on, and they can unload on you. 

Keep your heart soft. It is easy in ministry to make your heart hard towards the people around you, to put up a wall to protect yourself and your family, and expect people to hurt you. You can’t do that. Yes, you should have wisdom, but when your heart gets hard, you must deal with that. On my way to church each Sunday morning, one of my prayers is, “God, give me your love for this church. Help me to see everyone through your eyes.”

My prayer each Sunday morning: “God, give me your love for this church. Help me to see everyone through your eyes.”

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Friendships and ministry are not impossible; they take effort. The same applies to adults, as adult friendships are difficult to navigate. The realities of church and ministry make friendships for pastors and their families unique. That is something to be aware of and learn from so that you can last in ministry because friendships are crucial to being healthy in ministry and finishing well. 

4 things to remember as a pastor when it comes to friendship and ministry.

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Should Women Lead & Teach in a Church?

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Sunday, we continued our series at Community Covenant on 1 Timothy and unpacked 1 Timothy 2:8 – 15. If you’d like to watch it, you can do so here. 

One of the reasons I love preaching through books of the Bible is that it keeps us from going to a passage in a vacuum. Paul didn’t just write these verses to Timothy; he wrote them in the context of a letter to a church, wrestling with specific issues. Those issues, as Paul lays out in the first seven verses of the letter, are about protecting the church from false teaching. He doesn’t immediately identify the false teaching or the false teachers (he does that later in the letter), but that topic shapes how we read these verses. 

The role of men and women in the church and the home has been debated for centuries, and as I said on Sunday, it has caused a lot of confusion, hurt, and pain. Leading up to the sermon, I heard countless stories from women in our church and other female church leaders about the hurt they experienced because of how the verses of Paul have been interpreted in some circles. For some of us, these are simply verses; for others, these are personal verses with stories and conversations attached to them. 

I say that because if the goal of a church is to build each other up and help everyone to flourish, we must be aware of how each of us comes to a text. I heard this repeatedly while in seminary: none of us come to a text with a clean slate; we all bring something to every passage we read. So, as I said on Sunday, and as you continue to process this and future sermons, we need to be honest about the lens we bring: what does our background ingrain in us, what do we hope the text says, what do we hope the text doesn’t say, how does being a male or a female affect how we read a text, how does our educational level or skin color affect how we read a text. All of these matter because they shape what we see. To be clear, that doesn’t mean we are wrong in our interpretations, but we need to be humble as we listen to people who see something differently and not brush it off. I imagine Paul ran into much of that in his travels in the first century the further he got from Jerusalem. 

Do we divide over or debate the question of women in leadership?

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The other thing we need to be aware of is where we place when it comes to our theological beliefs. Gerry Breshears has a helpful grid, which I shared on Sunday: 

  • Beliefs we die for. 
  • Beliefs we divide for. 
  • Beliefs we debate for. 
  • Beliefs we decide for. 

Beliefs we “die for” are things like the authority of scripture, the virgin birth of Jesus, the resurrection of Jesus, that salvation is by grace alone, through faith alone, and there’s only one way to God. There are other things on that list, but that gives you an idea. 

Beliefs we “divide for” are beliefs that would cause us to leave a church or start attending a church. They are strongly held beliefs, but we don’t die for them, but we hold them strongly. Each of us has these beliefs. Some churches place the question of men and women in this category. We, as a church, do not. We place it in the next one. 

Next is the beliefs we “debate for.” These are beliefs we hold, even strongly, but they are debated throughout church history, and so we hold them loosely, linking arms with brothers and sisters in Christ who disagree with us. We will even attend churches we disagree with as long as they are in this category. 

There was a time when I held a different view on this question and was in the complementarian camp, and I would’ve put this belief in the divide for category. So would the church planting network we planted in 2008. I’ll share later more about my journey and the shift that has happened over the years. But my point right now in sharing that is we can shift our thoughts on things, and the Spirit of God does change us as we mature. 

As promised, for those who want to go deeper, answer your burning questions, or even learn where I got a lot of the information I shared on Sunday, here you go. This isn’t exhaustive in any way, as there are scores of books, talks, and podcasts on the subject, but this will at least get you started. 

Preston Sprinkle has a helpful podcast called Theology in the Raw, and he has many guests with doctorate degrees, diving into a lot of textual and historical issues around this topic. Here are a few episodes to get you started: 

Recently, Tyler Staton, the lead pastor of Bridgetown Church, gave a helpful lecture series on women in leadership, particularly around eldership, which we’ll unpack this coming Sunday as we look at 1 Timothy 3:1 – 13. You can watch those talks here and here. 

Books to read on the question of women in leadership.

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Here are a few books I’d recommend checking out:

No matter where you land on this question, there are 3 questions I ended with on Sunday that I think are important for us to wrestle with: 

3 questions every church and Christian must wrestle with as they think through the question of women in leadership.

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  • How do we honor each other?
  • How do we encourage the full use of spiritual gifts that God has given to each person, male and female, so the body of Christ, the church, is built up?
  • How do we ensure that each person, male and female, flourishes?
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The Three Groups in Your Church

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Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

Leaders inevitably make changes and lead to new places.

What can be disorienting for pastors and leaders is how people respond. Each time I’ve made a change, the person who got upset, sent an angry email or left the church always surprised me. Yes, sometimes the people made sense because of what I knew of them or the change we were making, but someone always surprised me.

As I thought about it, you need to understand the dynamics of change and how people fit into those dynamics.

Often, when a change is brought about, you will hear people talk about early adopters, late adopters, and everyone in between. But there are other dynamics at play in a church setting. And, just because you are an early adopter of one change or idea doesn’t mean you are an early adopter of everything. You might be, but that isn’t always the case.

Just because you are an early adopter of one change or idea doesn’t mean you are an early adopter of everything.

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As you think about any change or decision, you must consider the different groups you are communicating with. While there are more than the 3 below, I think these are the biggest ones:

People who want to keep the status quo. The status quo could be anything, but it is often to keep things as they are. The reason is that maybe they are tired of changes and transitions if there has been a lot at the church or in their life. They might think I don’t have the energy for something new, to learn something new.

They might also wonder who gets hurt in the change or who might not go along. They will often want to keep everyone happy and together, even if that means the church doesn’t move forward (whatever that might mean).

Their heart is for people. But what can happen in this group is that you are for the people already there, which isn’t bad. But it is the blind spot you have to be aware of. One change I made years ago was when someone told me honestly, “I don’t think we should make this change to reach people; people should just do what we do and like it.” And that is a real feeling.

As a pastor, you will feel this as well at different moments. When a younger leader suggests something, you think, “Do I want to learn how to do this?” I know many pastors felt this about preaching to a camera during COVID-19. Do I want to learn something new? How do I hold an iPhone for a reel, and what is a reel?!

When we feel this, we often say that we don’t have the energy for something new; we don’t want anyone to leave or get hurt because of this change.

As with all responses to change, the answer isn’t wrong, but as a pastor, you must be aware of how you speak to this group.

How to speak to the people who don’t want to follow along with a change you are making.

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People who want to return to the glory days, real or imagined. Memories are powerful, whether those memories are in our personal lives or our churches. When you are parenting teenagers and see a photo of your toddler, you long for those easier days, even though those days were filled with tantrums and sleepless nights. But you only remember the cuddly moments as you look at your gangly teenager.

The same is true in our churches. The further we get from a season of ministry, the more we romanticize the past and only remember the high moments. As you change, people will feel a pull to what was before. And you can’t compete with their memories.

The call for the good old days will often happen in a declining church. People will start to reminisce and say, “If we did what we did before, maybe it will work again.” There is also a pull for this group to keep doing things they or those they care about started. This is similar to the status quo in that it is hard to learn new things, try new things, or quit doing things that work differently than they used to. 

Pastors can feel this, too, as culture shifts and they learn new preaching or worship styles. The old days or the glory days are comfortable. 

But, instead of recreating the good old days, let’s celebrate them. Let’s thank God for what He did in that season and through that ministry or people. But, then, move forward. I often wonder if this group would feel more on board if they felt like the leaders celebrated the good old days and acknowledged the prayers and effort that went into them. 

People who want to bring change. With every change and new idea that comes up, you will have people who are ready to do it. As I said before, just because someone wants a new idea doesn’t mean they will be excited about every new idea. 

This group will jump on board, often from the very beginning. They will be your earliest cheerleaders and most prominent supporters of your change. This can be encouraging and good. But you also need to be careful not to jump too far ahead of the other two groups because you will find some wisdom that you need to be aware of within those groups. You might need to move more quickly or make the right decision. 

Here is what is essential to consider as a pastor: Often, people can switch which group they are in depending on the decision, and people are often unaware of which group they are in.

In one situation, someone may be staunchly against an idea, but then in another situation, they are the first ones to sign up. Yes, personality plays into this, but even the early adopters can find themselves wanting to hold on to the status quo of something. 

People (including the leader) are also often unaware if they are trying to keep the status quo or return to the good old days. We constantly work from what we think is best for the church, ourselves, and those around us. It usually takes a crisis or an outside perspective to help us see what we are blind to.