This month marks 16 years of marriage for Katie and I. It is hard to believe all of life that we have lived together when I think back to meeting her when I was 16 and she was 14.

Like most couples, we were really idealistic about life and marriage when we said: “I do.”

In light of that, here are some lessons we’ve learned over the years that I wish we would’ve known at the beginning:

It will be harder than you think. When you get married, you think it will be easy. After all, you’ve been dating for awhile, maybe you’ve lived together so how different can it be.

A lot different.

I think this one thing hits couples like a train when they get married and they aren’t prepared for how difficult and hard it will actually be.

Schedules, living together, sharing things, meshing family stories, careers, kids, mortgage, credit and school debt, aging parents. All of it blends together to be harder than you expected.

I think if couples could walk into marriage knowing how hard it will actually be, they will be further down the road than most couples.

This isn’t to make you depressed at all, but to help you be realistic about what you are walking into.

It will be better than you expect. I told you it isn’t all bad news.

Marriage is difficult, yes, but like everything in life, there are plenty of beautiful moments as well.

When I said “I do” I was not prepared for how great it would be.

Why?

I had met very couples who actually enjoyed their marriage. Most of the people I’ve seen stay married were miserable (or at least tolerating their marriage). In the same way that couples need to be realistic about the challenges awaiting them, they should be hopeful about how amazing it will actually be.

The history that Katie and I share is incredible. From raising kids, traveling to different places, sharing experiences, meals, and sunsets, all add up to more than I imagined.

You are more broken than you think. I had an older guy tell me before I got married, “you’re about to find out how selfish you are.” He was right. Marriage has a way of showing you how broken you are. While most of the time we think it’s the other person (we’ll get to that in a minute), a lot of the problem in marriage is us. That’s where a lot of hope lies in marriage because the only person we have power over or influence over is ourselves, not our spouse. In fact, Katie and I did an entire sermon series on this topic. You can only change you.

Before you jump the gun and say, “My marriage would be better if my spouse did _____.” That might be true. But there are hundreds of things you could do to improve your marriage as well. Why not start there?

Your spouse isn’t as broken as you think. In the same way that you have rose-colored glasses about yourself, you need to do a better job of seeing your spouse for who they are and who they are and they aren’t as bad off as you think.

Many marriages hit a snag when they think that the other person is the only problem or that the other person is the biggest problem. Remember, you fell in love with this person. You said “I do” to them.

They aren’t as bad as you make them out to be.

This is where extending grace in your marriage becomes crucial.

Be a student of yourself. I’m surprised at how little people know about themselves. Most people I talk to don’t know if they’re introverts or extroverts or what that means for them, they don’t understand their personality or enneagram or the strengths and talents they have. This leads to all kinds of frustration because they often end up in jobs that don’t fit them or situations that work against who they are.

You should be more knowledgeable about yourself than anyone else is, but that is rarely the case.

Be a student of your spouse. Second to knowing yourself is knowing your spouse. I don’t mean simply what they like or dislike (although that’s very important), but understanding their story and how they’re wired. One of the byproducts of a great marriage is when each person helps the other become a better version of themselves through encouragement and growth opportunities. Do you know what your spouse wants to grow in? What dreams they have? You should because you are in a unique position to help them accomplish those.

All couples could grow in any of these lessons (and we aren’t all the way there) and many others. So where do you start? Anywhere.

Too many couples seem to shrug and say, “This is as good as it’s going to get.” It doesn’t have to be that way.