One of the most common things I hear from couples who are dating or engaged is “When we get married he/she will _________.” Many people have this idea that they will change the person they are with or marriage will change.

Now, as a disclaimer, people can and do change. God does work in people’s lives to bring about change in areas of their lives.

But, this is not always the case.

One thing I have learned after years of doing pre-marital counseling and meeting with couples is: What you are like while dating and engaged, is how you are when you get married. Only more so.

As a complete generalization, this tends to be something women think more than men. Many women believe that if their boyfriend is not romantic and does not pursue her, that once they are married, he will pull out all the stops to sweep her off her feet. The problem? He already has you, why would he pursue you? Now, he should pursue you, but if he doesn’t while dating, he won’t when you get married.

If you can’t trust him/her while you are dating, what is going to change when you get married that will make you believe him all of a sudden? If she doesn’t care about your hobbies or what you do while you are dating, why will she care about those things are you are married, and you have kids?

If they don’t know how to handle money and go into thousands of dollars in debt while you are dating them, do you think their shopping ways will change after you get married, and money is tight, and they will all of a sudden decide to live on a frugal budget?

Do they bounce from job to job while you are dating? Always complaining about their boss and not finding what they want to do, feeling like they are underpaid, underutilized or the company is not worth working for. This will continue when you get married.

The reality is, what someone is before we marry them, they will be after we marry them. Which means, while dating you must date with your eyes wide open. What they are like today, is a lot of what they will be like in 5, 10, 20 years.