On Sunday, Katie and I taught together at our church on what goes into a great marriage or relationship.

The exciting thing is that the Bible has a lot to say about great relationships and unhealthy ones. What makes a great relationship is a few simple things.

Over time, a couple begins working against each other. And that is because of what authors call the love bank (I’m not sure who coined it first).

The love bank is like a typical bank, one you make withdraws from and deposits into.

In each relationship you have, there is a love bank. Warm feelings, connection, good experiences together, needs to be met, love being communicated adds to the bank. Harsh words, showing and expressing love in ways that don’t make sense, selfishness, pride, those are all withdrawn from that love bank.

In every relationship, we are continually making deposits or withdraws. We are also asking ourselves, how much does this person have in the love bank with me?

Those closest to us (family, kids, parents, spouse) we often take for granted and think we can make more withdraws than deposits. Over time, this will lead to resentment, bitterness, and anger. A person who feels like they have too many withdraws will begin to withhold love, protect themselves and look out for themselves. I can’t blame them, and it makes sense since we look for safety and security in every relationship. But to have a great relationship, both people must stay on top of where they are in terms of their love bank balance.

There are two ways that Katie and I shared to do this: understanding your spouse’s (or friend, boss or co-worker, or child’s) love language and knowing their top emotional needs as laid out in the excellent book His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage (we can’t recommend this book highly enough).

According to the author of His Needs, Her needs, the top emotional needs are:

For men:

• • Sexual fulfillment
  • Recreational companionship
  • An attractive spouse
  • Domestic support
  • Admiration

For women:

• • Affection
  • Conversation
  • Honesty and openness
  • Financial support
  • Family commitment

Why do you need to know these?

We will often show love to someone based on how we receive love or how we like to give love. Women will show affection to their husband because they want affection. But for men, affection is connected or equal to sex (it isn’t that way for women). Katie shared on Sunday that a woman has to feel close to have sex and a man has sex to feel close. That’s an enormous difference.

Here’s what I’d encourage you to do if you’re married: Sit down with your spouse and have them list them in order of importance their emotional needs and then talk through how to meet those needs in your marriage. Don’t get defensive; listen to them.

If you’re single or dating, two things: Know yourself, how you are wired and how that impacts relationships you are in. Two, understanding what these are for the opposite sex helps you to know when you’re ready to get married. Too often we think we’re prepared to get married if we reach a specific financial place, we find someone who wants to marry us or we’re a certain age. While that matter, but there is more to marriage than that and deciding that you are ready and willing to serve another person and meet their needs is an essential but often overlooked aspect of that decision.