Over the last month, I’ve been sharing things I wish I could tell my 25-year-old self. I’ve already shared what I’d say to myself about leadership and life, so I thought I’d share some thoughts about marriage.

At 25, I had been married for three years, had just graduated from seminary, had already been fired from a job, and had a child.

So a lot had happened, and I still had no idea what I was doing when it came to marriage.

1. Your spouse has hopes and dreams too. I realized in my mid-30’s that our entire marriage and life had become about my dreams and goals. When we first got married, I finished up my masters, we moved for my jobs and kept things moving for my career. This isn’t necessarily wrong; in fact, you have to decide whose career will be the one that provides for your family. What quickly happened was I lost track of Katie’s hopes and dreams. I didn’t ask, and she stopped talking about them.

One day, I realized, I don’t know what Katie’s dreams are for the future. Sure, she probably shared mine (that’s what everyone husband says), but the reality is, she has her own because she is her person.

After apologizing to her, I asked what they were. I always tell people you don’t know the answer to this, even if you think you do.

2. You will hurt your spouse deeply (and they’ll hurt you). I guess I was surprised by how much I could hurt a person. While I had experienced hurt before, there is something different and deeper in marriage. Mainly because of the proximity and how much your spouse knows about you. But there is something else to this; there is a longing of acceptance that I had that I was only mildly aware of when we got married.

3. Getting through things will feel like it is taking all of your efforts, and it will often feel hopeless before it feels better. The high’s in marriage is incredible, but the low’s are lower than I expected. There are moments in a marriage where it feels like getting through the day will take more energy, effort, and grace than you have. This is where our faith has been crucial for us. I’m not sure we would’ve survived otherwise.

Often, what is hard in life and marriage is that when you move towards health and make changes, it gets harder before it gets easier. It is easy to think that because you’ve decided to change something that it should just start working, but it doesn’t. Sometimes it takes years to undo bad habits.

4. Get a counselor. I’ve said this in every post of lessons I’ve learned, but I’ll repeat it. Underneath almost all of your marriage problems are one of three things, and a counselor can help you to navigate those things and figure them out. For Katie and I, seeing a counselor, has helped us to have a wise voice interject to help us navigate different issues and have a common language with which to move forward.

5. Have a weekly date night and get away once a year. No matter what. We are big proponents of this and are blown away by the pushback we get from people on it. Protect your marriage and time together.

Here’s one thing I’ve never heard someone say, “We had too many date nights and getaways as a couple.” Have you heard someone say that? You haven’t, and you won’t.

These moments are invaluable to a healthy marriage. When Katie and I miss date nights, we feel it, and our marriage suffers because of it. These moments communicate with each other, “you matter, I’m thinking of you.”

At 25, we weren’t in this habit at all. Why? You don’t think you need to be because you’re in love and you have more time. Start as soon as you can as a couple.

6. Tell your kids they come after your spouse. This goes with #5 and something I’ve written on before, but make sure your schedule and life reflect that your spouse comes before your kids. You don’t neglect your kids, but your actions should communicate, marriage matters more than parenting.

Why?

The goal is for your kids to leave, not your spouse.

7. Understand the impact of your energy level, seasons in life, and know they are essential. In your 20’s, you think you have all the energy in the world. And you do in a way. But slowly, it dissipates. Work, age, health, aging parents, kids, lack of sleep, hormones. And the energy you had for work, life, hobbies, and relationships is lower.

If you aren’t prepared for this, it will run over you like a freight train.

This is why so many men in their late 30’s implode, burnout, cheat, and make terrible decisions. They think they are 23 still.

Couples do this with kids too. They think they have to sign up for everything, run after everything and they get tired.

Take stock regularly about the season of life, parenting, work, and marriage you are in. Understand that what you did in your 20’s isn’t what you’ll do in your 40’s.

Right now, parenting for us takes more energy and time than it did before, and I’ve had to say no to more outside opportunities. One day I might get to say yes to those things.

8. Prioritize friendships as an individual and a couple. I’m an introvert, and so I have to work hard at relationships. Thankfully, I have.

Most men, as they age, have less and fewer friendships.

Don’t do that.

If I sat down with my 25-year-old self, I would tell him, “cherish your friends and build into them.”

9. Help to make your spouse better. When you get married, you think your spouse will fulfill all your dreams and help you reach all your goals by making you better. Most of us don’t believe that we will do that for our spouse.

It’s sad because one of the things that makes a marriage great is seeing your spouse grow, become better, and reach milestones. I love being able to celebrate Katie and see her get better. Selfishly in the early years of our marriage, I didn’t think that way. I wanted her to help me grow, not the other way around.

I hope, when we are old and gray, Katie will be able to say that she is a better person because she spent her life with me. I know I’ll be able to say that of her.

10. Laugh a lot and enjoy each other and your life together. Notice, I didn’t say laugh at each other, but to laugh with each other.

To this day, I’d rather be with Katie than anyone else. I love traveling with her, eating with her, sitting silently with her and listening to her talk.

Find things you both enjoy doing and do those together, but also give space for each other to have hobbies they do without you.

11. Fight for oneness. We tell couples when you fight, and you will fight, fight for oneness. Always push towards being more and more one flesh than two.

12. Be your spouse’s biggest cheerleader. I’ll admit, I was pretty selfish (and still battle it) when we got married, so this has been hard for me sad because I missed some great opportunities to cheer for Katie and lift her.

Cheering for your spouse sometimes will mean that you lose out on your dream simply because of space and capacity. That is okay. Sacrifice is one of the beautiful things about marriage.

13. Never make fun of each other. From the beginning of our marriage, we created rules.

One of them was to never make fun of each other. Ever.

Have you ever watched a couple who nagged at each other or poked fun? The one being made fun of dies a little bit in front of everyone. For us, we strive not to tell stories that make the other person look stupid or silly.

This rule has been a life saver for us.

14. Stay pure and do all you can to have a great sex life. Porn almost destroyed us at the beginning of our marriage, and we’ve watched it destroy countless others. Part of being a student of your spouse as you get older understands their sexuality and what turns them on.

I remember an older guy telling me in my 20’s that if you worked at it, sex only got better in marriage. At 25 I thought he was crazy, but he’s right.