Every relationship we have, the goal is to have a healthy one. But sometimes, we end up in unhealthy relationships.

Some people are easy to love. They are easy to get along with and have a relationship with while others are not.

Some people in our lives bring us life. And others that drain us.

But at some point, we all encounter someone who is emotionally unhealthy or merely immature. This person might look to you to give them something you can’t give them or don’t want to provide them within a relationship. They might want more time and attention than you can afford. They might want more energy or proximity to you than you can give them.

This doesn’t make this person terrible, but many people struggle on how to have boundaries with this person. Especially if you are related to them.

So how do you create boundaries in unhealthy relationships or with unhealthy people?

Listen. You need to know how best to help someone move from unhealth to health, and that comes through listening.

Too often, at least this is true for me, it is easy for me to brush people aside. But one of the best ways to move a relationship from an unhealthy place to a good place is knowing what needs to be done, and that comes through listening.

Many times, I have assumed someone, their story or situation, or even the day they are having, and that assumption hurt the relationship. The truth is, you don’t know what the other person is going through, what they are experiencing, or the day they had.

Listening creates empathy, which can lead to understanding.

Provide feedback. In listening, we gain the right to be heard by someone.

Most people don’t know how they come across. Or what it is like to be in a relationship with them. We don’t see the impact of our words or presence on other people. When we hurt someone, we are usually the last ones to find out.

This is why feedback is so valuable. Asking things like, what is it like to be on the other side of me? How did I come across in that meeting? Questions like this are crucial to be in a healthy relationship.

If you’re in an unhealthy relationship, you need to have the courage to give feedback to the other person. What they do with that information is up to them, but if you don’t, you don’t give the relationship a chance.

Help as much as you can. When you encounter an unhealthy person or an emotionally immature person, you want to help as much as you can. But you also need to know what your limit is. This is important; the boundary you set will be different than the boundary they want.

And that’s okay.

You aren’t responsible for how they respond or what they do. But you are responsible for your heart, your health, and not letting them pull you into things.

A healthy person can set boundaries and keep them. Unhealthy people can’t.

This changes with the season in life. There are times that you have more emotional and relational energy for people and seasons when you have less. You have to be aware of this in your own life.

Tell them when they’ve passed a boundary. If you have set a boundary with someone and they cross it or ask for something you can’t give, tell them.

In relationships, this can be incredibly difficult and uncomfortable, especially if that person has hurt you or caused deep pain. Many times we’d rather pretend that nothing happened, that everything is okay instead of drawing attention to an issue.

But if we don’t, it will only continue to fester in us and the relationship.

Know you can’t save them. One of the hardest parts of a relationship with an unhealthy person is knowing that you can’t change them. You can’t save them. You can help them, love them, be there for them, but as Lysa TerKuest says, “You have to let the other person walk down the other side of the road.”