One of the things that I hear from lots of parents, and I’ve felt this at different times, is a sense of wondering if they are winning as parents. But, unfortunately, most parents feel like we are losing, like we are pushing uphill as a parent.

And let’s be honest. Parenting is hard work. It is overwhelming. Most of the time, we are simply trying to keep up, trying to stay up to speed on what our kids are dealing with. We are walking through the challenges they have, protecting them, but also allowing them to blossom.

The question then becomes, is there a way to do that? Is there a way to move in the same direction as a family? With your spouse? After all the stress, the late nights, the slammed doors, and hurt feelings, how do you keep your family moving forward?

If you ask most pastors or business leaders about how they would do that at church, they will talk about their mission statement and core values. They would say, “This is why my church exists, why my business exists, this is what we do, how we interact with each other.” But then, they go home and don’t use any of that knowledge with their family.

Almost ten years ago, Katie and I went through a practice that changed our family. It put us on the same page as a couple, helped to define who our family is and what we hoped our family would become.

It all started when I read Patrick Lencioni’s book Three Questions for a Frantic Family. In it, he walks through how to use what businesses and churches do in creating a mission statement and values, and how to do that in your family. I also recount some of the processes in my book Breathing Room: Stressing Less, Living More. 

Maybe you’re wondering, “Is this worth the time? Will it matter?”

If you don’t do this, you and your family personally wander around aimlessly. How do you make a decision when both options seem good? Without a mission statement, you guess and hope you are right. With a mission statement, decisions become more straightforward. You are also able to evaluate things more clearly.

One of the things it helped Katie and me define is what we hope our kids know when they leave our house. What kind of adults do we want to send out into the world? I think too many parents are trying to raise kids when we need to think about raising adults. So for us, it defined what we mean when we say, “We want to launch five healthy, mature adults who love Jesus.”

Now, here is the beauty of a mission statement and your values.

Ready?

They are yours! You get to decide. You are in charge of your family. It comes out of your passions and who you are, how you and your kids are wired. The things that matter to us as a family may not matter to you, and that is okay. There isn’t a one size fits all formula for raising kids or launching adults.

Start by listing all the things that describe your family. Not what you hope your family or life is, but who you are. What is important to you? What matters most? What things will you fight until death? This list should be exhaustive. You are listing everything you can think of.

Now, start paring it down. Are there words that mean the same thing or can be combined? You are looking for about five words to describe your family or you personally. You want it to be short enough to fit on a T-shirt, so you remember it.

This is the hard part but don’t stress about this part. Instead, look for the ones that stand out to you, that resonate deeply within you.

Then, you want to put it into some sentence form. Something that says, “This is why our family exists. These are the kinds of adults we are hoping to launch into the world.”

Now, let me suggest a bold step at this point.

Then, share it with a friend, someone who knows your family well, and ask them, “Is this our family? Is this who we are?” This is scary but very important. When we did this, our friends pointed out a missing word, and it was incredibly helpful for us.

Once you have it, live with it for a bit. Then, look at it to see if you are making decisions with that in mind. See if it resonates with who you are as a family.

Once that is in place, put it on your wall so you will see it regularly. Ours hangs on a mirror in our dining room so that others see it, but also so we can talk it through during family dinners and see how we’re doing at living out our values.