At some point, a preacher will preach a sermon that does not go well. You know you tried, you researched, but it fell flat and you can feel that you didn’t hit the mark.

Or, at work, a conversation will not go the way you’d hoped. The expectation you had going into the discussion, or the desired outcome, didn’t happen. Maybe it is at home where you and your spouse, or you and your child seem to be ships passing in the night. You presented it to your boss or teenager, and…nothing.

What do you do? How do you get through to people who don’t listen, who don’t want to hear?

Matthew 13 is a short parable of Jesus that I’ve heard pastors refer to when they preach a sermon and people didn’t respond with the same enthusiasm they expected or hoped or people have used when sharing the gospel, and it went nowhere.

It says:

That same day Jesus went out of the house and sat beside the sea. And great crowds gathered about him, so that he got into a boat and sat down. And the whole crowd stood on the beach. And he told them many things in parables, saying: “A sower went out to sow. And as he sowed, some seeds fell along the path, and the birds came and devoured them.Other seeds fell on rocky ground, where they did not have much soil, and immediately they sprang up, since they had no depth of soil, but when the sun rose they were scorched. And since they had no root, they withered away. Other seeds fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up and choked them. Other seeds fell on good soil and produced grain, some a hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty. He who has ears, let him hear.”

Notice where pastors get themselves off the hook or where we as Christians share the gospel or a conversation: Some people aren’t open and won’t listen. What was the farmer supposed to do? The soil wasn’t ready. 

While that happens and there is some truth there, notice what the farmer did. He spread the seed out; he did what he was supposed to do. It was soil; he planted the seed in the ground the way you cultivate the soil.

Many pastors and Christians who share the gospel are content to let themselves off the hook by not doing it in a way that resonates with people who don’t know Jesus. Many of us are satisfied in our most important relationships to let ourselves off the hook, blame the other person instead of doing the hard work. Or we expect the other person to read our minds.

Here are a few ideas to keep in mind when communicating to someone, whether it is at a job, about an issue that needs to be resolved, or about the gospel:

Put yourself in their shoes. How are they feeling? What are their roadblocks to hearing what   you have to say? Many pastors don’t remember that most of the people they preach to don’t agree with them. So don’t assume you have agreement on the foundational pieces of your conversation or sermon. 

You need to know the stories of the people you are speaking to, their fears and desires, and their longings. When I preach, this is one of the areas that the enneagram is so helpful as a grid to think through. It helps me think of examples and what people might struggle with as it relates to a topic or a passage. It is also incredibly helpful in relationships as I think through where I am coming from and what the other person is looking for.

Have a goal in mind. What is a win? If the conversation or sermon ends, how will you know if it is a success? Is that goal realistic? Everything should be moving in that direction. When I preach, I have a big idea. The big idea is the one idea I want everyone to leave knowing. If people can’t say it and remember it, it wasn’t a success. What is your next step from a sermon? Is that obvious? 

The conversation you need to have at work or home, is the goal clear? What do you hope changes because of it? Too many discussions and meetings get off track because the goal isn’t clear. Frustrations boil over, or we begin to chase our tails and miss the point of the interaction. 

Remember, you don’t control their response. This is true but easy to forget. You don’t change anybody’s mind. You don’t force anybody into the kingdom of God. You don’t make someone kill an idol in their heart; the Holy Spirit does. You don’t make your child or spouse who God wants them to be; he does. Remember your role in the process.

This means you don’t need to push. You don’t need to say everything you can think of on a topic. You can stop talking and let things simmer, and allow the receiver to process things.

Be prepared. The farmer was prepared. If you preach, you should be prepared for your sermon. Do your homework. You, as a pastor, pay the price for your sermon, not your church. The farmer did his job; he planted the seed and let them grow. He didn’t force them; he planted.

Too many times pastors stand up and preach a half-done sermon. Too many times people start essential conversations on the fly without thinking through them, and then wonder why the other person is upset, or it didn’t go anywhere. This means you need to understand how the other person hears something, and when it’s the best time to bring it up so they will listen to you.