All of us need community and friendships. Yet, if we’re honest, most of us do not put the time and effort into them that we should. I know that I can slack off, and when I need or want more friends, it is easy to get frustrated.

As I look at my own life, I think two things that get us into trouble are:

1. We don’t know the kind of relationships that we need.
2. We put too much pressure on relationships, thinking they all need to be deep, lifelong friendships.

Recently, I read The Resilient Pastor: Leading Your Church in a Rapidly Changing World by Glenn Packiam, and he uses Frodo and The Lord of the Rings to help us see the kinds of friendships we need. 

As you read through this, ask yourself a few questions:

• Do you have these kinds of people and friends in your life?
• If you’re missing someone, how do you fill that space?
• What roles do you play in the lives of others?

The first category that Packiam talks about is The Sage. This is Gandalf in the Lord of the Rings. The wise wizard who appears at all the right moments. The sage represents the wisdom of those who have gone before you. People who are further along, older than you, more mature, have more life experience and deeper faith than you. 

You are further along than someone; you are more mature than someone. 

You need a sage, and you might be a sage to someone else. 

The sage isn’t necessarily the superstar, but they are steady and persistent. 

Who is your sage?

The next category is Companions. For Frodo, this is Merry and Pippin, and Samwise. Faithful, loyal friends. 

These are the people you call at 3 am when your life falls apart; these are the first ones you call when you need help or hit a tragedy. These are also the first people who call you when you play this role for them. 

Sam never leaves Frodo’s side. Even telling Frodo, “I can’t carry the ring for you, but I can carry you.” 

What a line. 

We all need those kinds of friends, the kind of friends who carry us. 

Who are the people who walk with you? Who do you walk with? Who do you reach out to when your life falls apart? Who calls you when their life falls apart?

Similar to this is Peers. For Frodo, these are the dwarves and the elves. 

They know what Frodo is doing, they fight alongside him in the war, but they aren’t carrying what Frodo is carrying. 

Our paths cross, but we live different lives, and that’s okay. They might be other parents at school functions, sporting events, co-workers, or neighbors. 

Often, we don’t think much about this relationship, but it is crucial. We often put too much pressure on relationships; we believe every relationship has to be deep or take a lot of time, but we need people we pop in and out of life with. 

The next category for Frodo is the King. In middle earth, this is Aragorn. 

Think of the King as the person who can tell you no. 

This is a person that carries some authority in your life. 

They may be able to stop you from doing something, or they might have moral authority in your life that if they said, “You shouldn’t do that,” it would give you pause. 

Who in your life has the power and influence to tell you that you are wrong or making a bad decision?

The last thing we need in our community is a Healer. In Lord of the rings this is Elrond and Arwen, the elvish healers. 

This could be a counselor, spiritual director, group leader, or friend who can speak to our pain and wounds. Who looks you in the eye and says, “that’s hard, that stinks what you walked through; you shouldn’t have to go through that.”

This person can also hold up a mirror to you, help us see our sins in situations, and help us have needed perspective.

Who is missing in your circle?

Again, ask yourself these questions:

• Do you have each of these kinds of people and friends in your life?
• If you’re missing someone, how do you fill that space?
• What roles do you play in the lives of others?