If you ask an older couple what the secret to marriage is and how to make it to the end (and glad you made it to the end). That last part is crucial since we all know couples who are not happy, but they will tell you all kinds of things. 

You will start to hear similar things, which we see in a couple at the end of the Song of Songs. 

They show us three things: couples who delight in and desire each other, protect their relationship, and pursue each other. 

We see these three things throughout the Song, but particularly at the end in chapters 7 – 8. What I love about Song of Songs 7 – 8 is that the couple is older and later in their relationship. They know each other. They have walked through the highs and lows of marriage and life together. At this point in marriage, it is easy to coast, to stop pursuing and delighting in each other, but they don’t. 

Delight in each other and desire each other

Throughout the Song, the couple compliments each other. A lot. 

But the man does this more than the woman. He describes her three different times, but he holds nothing back. What is essential to see is how he talks. He doesn’t always speak in sexual ways or even with the purpose of sex. But to build her up, telling her of his love for her and what he sees. He speaks to her insecurities about her body again and again. 

He does this to the end of the Song, even when she is probably thinking, “He is being silly!” He tells her again and again how much he delights in her and desires her. He says things like, “You stand tall. I love your breath. I want to clutch your body, your breasts.” 

In response, she says things like, “Let’s go to the vineyard and have sex under the stars; let’s wake up in the garden. Let’s go all night. Let me give you my caresses.”

Couples must ask themselves, “Do we delight in each other? Do we desire each other?” Again, desire and delight are not just sexual. I would say that the older you get and the longer you are married, the more this begins to shift from sexual to being together and walking through life as friends.

Protect their relationship

In Song of Songs 8, the woman begins reflecting on their relationship. She talks about the importance of protecting their relationship before and after marriage. 

You cannot delight in, desire, or pursue each other to the greatest extent without protection. 

It will not just happen. 

She talks about how they have “ahava,” which means “a clinging love, and I’m not going anywhere kind of love.” That is the love needed to make ‘death do us part.’ That kind of love is not the butterflies’ kind of love. She talks about it in a fierce way. She brings up the image of flames, which are as strong as death. Which doesn’t sound very romantic, but it is real life. 

Pursue each other

This couple is making what John Gottman calls a “bid.” Bids show our desire to connect.

Bids can be as simple as a baby crying. Asking how your day was is a bid. Did you see the game last night?

They can be deeper statements like, “I don’t know if I love her anymore. I don’t think I’ll talk to my dad again. I don’t know what to do with this hurt and shame.” We ask people to step into our stories with us in these moments. 

They can be funny, like when a child says, “Knock, knock.”

They can seem insignificant: Can you get my phone while you’re up?

They can come at the worst moment: Can you sing me one more song? Read me one more book when you are exhausted as a parent at the end of the day.

A bid is when a husband or wife says, “Can we hold hands? Can we have sex tonight?”

We can either respond with intimacy or push it away.

John Gottman, the foremost expert on marriage, found that husbands headed towards divorce ignore their wives’ bids 82% of the time, compared to 19% for husbands in stable marriages. Wives headed for divorce ignore their husbands’ bids 50% of the time, compared to 14% of the time in stable marriages.

How often do you ignore your spouse’s bid to connect if you’re married? Don’t focus on them ignoring yours; you can’t make them. Do you move towards them or away? Why do you find yourself moving towards them or away?

If you’re not married, do you ignore the bids others make towards you to connect?

What we do in friendships is what we often do in marriage, so it matters if you want to get married one day. 

If you’re dating, watch how that person responds to everyone but you. They will likely respond positively to you because they are dating you and putting on a good show. Watch how they react to their parents, siblings, friends, and those around you. When you pay attention to that, you will see how they really respond to bids for affection. 

Bringing it all together

The Song of Songs begins and ends with the same themes: the couple pursuing each other, talking about their delight and desire for each other, and the protection they have in their relationship. It starts in the moments of dating and seeing each other through the wedding and wedding night and ends in the end. 

Together.