Being a husband as a follower of Jesus has a high bar attached to it. It isn’t harder than the calling or role of the wife; it is just different. The image is given in Ephesians 5 of loving your wife as Christ loved the church is a hard, almost impossible task (I say impossible because nothing is impossible with God and you have the Holy Spirit in you as a follower of Jesus).

It is easy to feel like a failure around this verse as you look at your own life as a husband. Do I show my wife that kind of love? Am I that kind of servant?

Here’s a simple question that I’ve used to evaluate my own heart and how I’m doing as a husband towards Katie: Is your wife more alive in her identity in Jesus because she’s married to you? That’s what Ephesians 5 is all about, coming alive to your identity in Jesus. Your wife is a gift from God that you will present to God and give an account for. So, Is she more alive in her identity in Jesus because she’s married to you?

Many husbands struggle because they try to do things for their wife that they think she wants or needs but aren’t actually in the same neighborhood. Below are some questions that I think every husband should know the answer to at any point about his wife (note: your wife is not a static object so the answer will change yearly, monthly and maybe daily!).

If you don’t know the answer to these, ask, she would love to tell you.

While these questions are focused on a husband towards his wife, here some questions I think a couple should ask each other regularly (perfect for your next date night).

Know Your Wife

A husband should know his wife better than anyone else. Her likes, dislikes, what excites her and disappoints her, her story, hopes, and dreams. He should know what she likes in terms of romance, affection and the bedroom and strive to serve her in those areas, not for what he can get but because of what God calls him to.

Here are some questions to help with this:

1. What food does she like, what are her hobbies, how does she relieve stress?
2. What hopes and dreams does she have? How can you help her accomplish them?
3. How is your wife doing right now?
4. What romances your wife?
5. What gets your wife in the mood? What turns her off sexually?
6. What does your wife like in the bedroom? What does she dislike?

Understand Your Wife

1 Peter 3:7 calls husbands to live with their wife in an understanding way, but to do that, you have to understand your wife. This goes closely with knowing your wife, but as her life changes, kids age and move out, this will change regularly. A husband’s job is to stay on top of these things and know what is happening in his wife’s heart, mind, and soul.

Here are some questions to help with this:

1. Is your wife flourishing in her life right now?
2. When is she most productive?
3. How much sleep does she need?
4. What does she need right now in the stage of life you are in to alleviate stress?
5. How is she doing on cultivating friendships with other women?
6. What areas is she hoping to grow in spiritually (i.e. prayer, theology, doctrine)? How can you help her? What books can you buy her to read (hint women read more than men do)? Here are a few you can start with that Katie liked.

Honor Your Wife

Many men speak about their wife, to their wife and treat her like one of the guys. She is not; she is special, more special than any car, boat, possession or your child or career. She is your most precious relationship, a gift from God. Treat her as such. Honor is basic manhood. Let me say that another way if you don’t honor your wife, you are a child, not a man.

Here are some questions to help with this:

1. Are you respectful to your wife in private and public when you talk to her and about her?
2. Do you allow your kids to speak disrespectfully to your wife?
3. Does the way you talk about your wife demand that others look at her in a positive light?
4. Do you talk about her and look at her so that others will look up to her?
5. If I spent 10 minutes listening to you talk about your wife would I know that she is the most important human relationship you have?
6. Do you pursue her daily, weekly and yearly? Do you plan weekly date nights that show your love and attention to her?