All of us, to one degree or another, carry around the shame of things we’ve done, something done to us. Things we’ve said, things said to us—things we wished we had done and want to, that others had done. Shame shows up in many places and with all kinds of people.

We often overlook how much shame shapes our identity and lives. It becomes a driving force in our lives, how we work and how we relate to others and God.

Where does shame come from? To move forward in freedom, we must know where the broken places began. 

John Piper says shame comes from three causes:

1. Guilt. This is the one many of us know well. The addiction, the hidden sin, the abuse we don’t talk about, the affair, the divorce, the poor parenting, our failure at work and in life. We carry guilt for ourselves and, often without thinking, for others. When guilt becomes public knowledge, we have shame. Now we are known for what we have feared.
2. Shortcomings. Shortcomings and failures are something all of us experience. Some of them are real, and others are imagined. Some are life-shaping, and other shortcomings we shrug off. It is the ones that are life-shaping that lead to shame. When our frame of mind says, “You are a failure, you aren’t good enough, you aren’t beautiful, strong enough, or worthwhile,” we experience shame.
3. Improprieties. These are the experiences in our life where we feel silly, look stupid, or are embarrassed. We make a mistake, and it feels like everyone knows about it.

These stories, experiences, and parts of our story become so much a part of us that, for many, we can’t imagine living life without them. We are the person this happened to, we are the experience that we walked through. We carry that, and we know that experience, and so often, it is hard to even imagine moving forward without our shame. 

What do you do with your shame?

According to Romans 10:11, if you are a follower of Jesus, you will not be put to shame.

Yet shame is a driving factor in the lives of so many.

Here are six ways to move forward from your shame:

1. Name your shame. If you don’t name something, it takes ownership of you. This is a crucial step. You must name the hurt, the guilt, the shortcoming, the impropriety, the embarrassment, the abuse, the loss, the misstep, and the sin. If you don’t, you stay stuck.

I’ve met countless people who couldn’t say the name of an ex, name the situation of hurt or talk about something. This doesn’t mean you are a victim or wallow in your pain, but naming something is crucial. Without this first step, the others become difficult to impossible.

The saying, “Whatever we don’t own, owns us,” applies here. This is a crucial, crucial step.

2. Identify the emotions attached to it. When we are hurt, we are emotionally wrecked and can’t see a way forward. We know that we are broken, and that life isn’t as we’d hoped, but we aren’t sure what to do.

What emotions are attached to your shame? Is it guilt? Loss? Failure? Missed opportunity? Sadness? Hopelessness? Indifference?

Name them.

Name the emotion that goes with your abuse, abandonment, divorce, failed business, dropping out of school, or not meeting your expectations or the expectations of someone else.

We often feel shame when we have a different emotion attached to it, but shame is far more familiar. Do you feel neglected or hurt, or sad? What emotion is conjured up from memory?

3. Confess the sins that are there. Do you always sin when you feel shameful? No. Sometimes it is a misplaced shame. It is a shame you have no business owning. You didn’t sin; someone else sinned against you.

Sometimes, though, there is a sin on your part. You may have sinned, and that’s why you feel shame. Sometimes your sin might be holding on to that person or situation.

Sometimes you must confess that your shame keeps you from moving forward and is keeping you stuck.

Bring those sins to light.

4. Grieve the loss. When we have shame, there is a loss. This loss might be a missed opportunity or missed happiness. It might be more significant than that and be a forgotten childhood, a loss of your 20s, a loss of health, or a job opportunity.

It might be a relationship that will never be, something you can never go back to.

As you think about your shame, what did you lose? What did you miss out on? What did that situation prevent you from doing or experiencing? What hurt do you carry around? What will never be the same because of that situation?

5. Name what you want. This one is new for me, but it concerns your desires.

Often the reason we stay stuck is that we know what stuck is. We don’t know what the future holds. Beyond that, we don’t know what we want.

We carry shame around from a relationship with a father who walked out. Do you want a relationship? Do you want to be in touch?

We carry shame from a failed business. Do you want to get back in the game?

Can you name what you want in the situation associated with your shame?

Sadly, many people cannot.

If you can’t name what you want or identify a desire, you will struggle to move forward.

6. Identify what God wants you to know about Him. When we carry around shame, we carry around a lie. In identifying that lie, we recognize the truth God wants us to know about Him.

If you feel unloved, the truth that God wants you to know is that you are loved. If you feel unwanted, God wants you to know you are wanted. If you feel dirty, God wants you to see the truth that in Him, you are clean.

Scripture tells us that God is a Father, that He is as close to us as a mother nursing her child, and that God is compassionate, slow to anger, abounding in love, gracious, tender, firm, and for us.

The list goes on and on.

In that list, though, is the truth, the antidote to your shame, and what you need to remind yourself of to move forward and live into the freedom of Jesus.

Freedom is hard.

Let’s be honest; freedom is difficult. Living in sin, shame, guilt, and regret is easy. It is what we know. It is where most people live and reside.

Freedom is scary. Freedom is unknown. Freedom leaves us vulnerable. Freedom leaves us not in control.

Yet, this is what it means to be a child of God. To live in freedom. Overflowing freedom.