Relationships are hard work. 

We don’t want to admit it. In our culture, something must be wrong if a relationship is difficult or takes work. Usually, it just means it is a relationship, a friendship, or a marriage. 

Many of our relationship difficulties come not from the other person but from us not reconciling our past and what no longer works in our lives and relationships. 

Almost all marriage and relationship problems go back to communication. One person is not saying what they want/need or the other person is not listening.

Neil Strauss said, “Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.”

What is saddest to watch, and I do this too, is we are content for a relationship to fall apart or not be what it could be instead of saying what we want or need. We settle for less. 

Dr. John Gottman says four things destroy relationships in his excellent book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. He calls them The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse. As I walk through these, listen to which one is your go-to move in relationships, because you have one.

Criticism. A complaint and criticism are different.

A complaint is, “I’m frustrated you didn’t put away your clothes last night.” A criticism is, “Why are you so forgetful? I hate having to pick up after you all the time. You just don’t care.”

Two words go with criticism: always and never. You always. You never.

Or by asking, “What is wrong with you? Why can’t you remember anything? Why can’t I count on you? Why are you always so selfish? What is wrong with you? What is your problem?”

When we criticize a child, spouse, or friend, we demean them and elevate ourselves.

This also brings shame into the relationship, which is a powerful tool in relationships.

Contempt. The second horseman comes right after criticism and is contempt.

This sense of superiority over the other person comes through as a form of disrespect.

This will show up in cynicism, sarcasm, mocking, eye rolls.

This shows up regarding time management, parenting skills, in-laws, handling money, and almost any skill someone thinks they’re better than the other.

According to Gottman, “Studies show this doesn’t just destroy your relationship, but couples that are contemptuous towards each other are more likely to get sick.”

Defensiveness. Defensiveness is a way of blaming your spouse, child, or co-worker.

It says, “The problem isn’t me; it’s you.”

Things you’ll say are: “Why are you picking on me? Everyone is against me! What about all the good things I do? You never appreciate me. There’s no pleasing you.”

Defensiveness keeps you from dealing with whatever is happening in the relationship. As long as the problem is “out there” or “someone else’s fault,” you don’t have to do anything about it (or at least that’s what we think.)

This will often show up as a child begins to process their childhood with a parent. Or when a child starts to push boundaries and tries to have independence.

Stonewalling. This one is powerful in relationships, but not in a good way.

This is when you disengage. You ignore. You walk out of the room while the other person is talking. You don’t respond in a conversation; you are silent.

Stonewalling communicates that you couldn’t care less about the relationship or situation.

Stonewalling is a power move.

While men and women stonewall, studies show men more often do this.

I think for several reasons, but one is that they saw it done growing up, and men are afraid of engaging emotions in relationships.

I’ve learned in our marriage that if I want to hurt Katie deeply, I need to walk out of the room during an argument.

Do you know what they all have in common? This is important and easy to miss.

They are moves to protect ourselves in relationships. They are power moves to get what we want. But they are also how we seek to belong and find intimacy in unhealthy ways.

In all relationships, we look for safety. Somewhere in our childhood, we learned that these can protect us and make us safe. And the truth is, they probably have made you safe in relationships until they don’t.

Here’s what I’d encourage you to do:

Which one is your move in relationships? Each of us falls into using criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling in relationships. Sometimes, we use all 4!

But there is one you probably use more than the other 3. 

Where did that come from in your childhood? Now comes some of the hard part, looking back. Where did that move show up in your relationships as a child? Did you use it then? Did a parent or someone close to you? We learned how to be safe in childhood and continued that into adulthood. It may be how your family communicated or worked in childhood. 

How did that serve you in your childhood? This idea came out of Chuck DeGroat’s book Healing What’s Within. We must acknowledge how criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling serve and protect us earlier in life. Part of moving forward to healthier places is accepting what has happened. This doesn’t mean you are saying what happened is okay or healthy, but accepting what you can’t change in the past is crucial to moving forward. 

In what ways is it no longer serving you? After seeing where the horseman in your relationship came from and how it served you, we need to look at how it is no longer serving you. In reality, your move to criticize, contempt, get defensive, or stonewall is doing the opposite of what you want. And while it may give you a sense of control, it pushes those you love the most away from you. It is getting in the way of your most important relationships.