Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash
Every couple that gets married wants a great marriage. No one gets married in hopes of getting divorced or being miserable. But many couples simply settle and do things that work against them.
So, what do healthy, thriving couples do?
They do many things, but here are a few:
They grow close to Jesus. This may seem obvious, but if you stray from Jesus, stop reading your Bible, and feel your relationship with Jesus suffer, many things go wrong.
Your desire to fight sin goes down, your willingness to serve your spouse goes down, your desire to love your spouse goes down, and your desire to stay pure goes down—all because of one thing.
Couples who make it to the end keep God at the center of their marriage. They grow together spiritually, take control of their spiritual lives, and don’t leave it to chance. They read solid books together, they pray together, and they have a plan for how they will disciple their kids (they don’t leave that to chance either). They attend church together, are in a Christian community, and serve to use their gifts and talents. God is not some figure that appears periodically in their marriage but is what the marriage and family revolve around. Men ask how they can help their wife grow and become all God has called her to be.
They protect their marriage. Many couples stumble through this. They make their vows and wear rings, but too many don’t protect themselves when it comes to their minds, hearts, and eyes. Yes, they make sure not to sleep with someone they aren’t married to, but everything else is fair game.
A couple who lasts does not do that.
The only thing on “their menu” is their spouse. They protect their eyes, they aren’t looking at porn, they aren’t fantasizing about that girl at work or the guy in the movie. They aren’t dreaming about their romance novel; they aren’t acting out (even with their spouse) in their mind. They act out with their spouse (and only their spouse). They make sure nothing will tear them and their spouse apart.
This isn’t just about vows and promises but about the priority you place on your relationship compared to others. Your kids matter, and you love them, but your kids come after your marriage. One of the fastest ways to go from a great marriage to being roommates is to place your kids above your spouse. Your kids will move out one day, and you will have only your spouse. At this point, most couples split because they no longer need to stay together for the kids and have nothing in common. Don’t let that happen. This doesn’t mean you neglect your kids and not do anything with them, but it means they come after your marriage. If you’re unsure where you stand, here are 10 ways to know you are putting your kids before your marriage.
They pursue each other. Pursuit is what got you married (because you started pursuing when you dated). Pursuit keeps a marriage healthy; pursuit is the first thing to go out the window of most marriages. The couples who last don’t leave this to chance. They make time for their spouse, have a yearly getaway, and do fun things with them, including weekly date nights. I’ve never had a couple who did this tell me they regretted it. I’ve had lots of couples tell me how long they have waited for this. Here are some ideas for doing date night at home and some help when date night falls apart.
Know that affection is the first thing to go, and fight against that. Affection leaves a marriage first—kissing when you say goodbye, holding hands, snuggling.
All of these things happen to couples who couldn’t keep their hands off each other at one time. Fight this. When you kiss, kiss for 5-10 seconds. Throw some tongue in when you are just saying hello or goodbye—gross your kids out. Hold hands in the car. Kiss at a red light. Snuggle at night. I’ve said this before: The amount of affection you have is one of the best barometers for where your marriage is. Show me a couple with little affection and little sex, and I will show you a couple going in opposite directions.
Healthy and growing relationships require intentionality and specific choices. Otherwise, you drift into unhealthiness.
