Prayer is difficult for many of us. We struggle to pray, to know what words to use, and to figure out how honest to be. 

We may have seasons when it comes easily, but we often find ourselves frustrated, wondering whether God hears and can do anything about it. 

We think we should be better at this. We should be able to handle it. We should be able to figure it out.

That’s often the quiet reason we don’t pray, not because we don’t believe in God, but because we don’t want to admit we need Him. So we don’t pray, because we think we should already be better at praying. And when we do try, we beat ourselves up over how bad we are at it.

As we read the Bible, though, we see there’s no grade for praying. One day in heaven, God will not separate the good pray-ers from the bad pray-ers. In fact, I’d argue the opposite of what we assume — the more we stumble in prayer, the more honest and heartfelt it probably is.

So, why do you avoid prayer? Years ago, I heard a pastor friend talk about this, and I found his reasons really helpful: 

1. We think we should be better at this

We treat prayer like a skill to master instead of a relationship to enter. So instead of praying badly, we don’t pray at all. But God isn’t grading our sentence structure or our eloquence — He’s listening for us.

2. We’re afraid of vulnerability

We’re strangely comfortable with vulnerability on social media. “I’m the worst mom ever.” “Here’s my messy garage.” “Here’s my failure.” As long as we choose what to reveal and when, we’re fine with it.

But to be truly known, we have to be vulnerable in a way we don’t control. And prayer is exactly that. It’s not just sharing needs; it’s sharing who we are, weaknesses and all.

Tim Keller put it this way: “To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.”

3. We like to look competent

If I have a prayer need, I don’t want to say it out loud. I want the people around me, and even God, to think I’m handling it fine.

As Paul Miller said in my favorite book on prayer, “Prayer is helplessness in action.”

That’s exactly why “unspoken” is everyone’s favorite prayer request in a small group — it lets us ask for prayer without admitting what we actually need prayer for. But as Tim Keller put it, “To pray is to accept that we are and will always be wholly dependent upon God.” Prayer doesn’t work if we’re still trying to look like we’ve got it together.

4. We’re hurting, but don’t want to admit it

We don’t want to say our marriage hurts, that our kids don’t listen. That we’re struggling to forgive, or struggling to trust God at all.

Have you noticed that praying about something, or asking someone else to pray about it, makes it real? Saying it out loud is a moment of truth. And that’s precisely why we avoid it. Not because prayer doesn’t work, but because it works too well at making us face what’s actually going on.

5. We’re cynical

Deep down, many of us hedge our bets with prayer. We don’t really believe God will come through, not fully, anyway.

This shows up in more than just our prayer life. It’s often why we’re not generous, why we hold back from giving to God. We keep a little extra tucked away, just in case it rains and God doesn’t show up with a big enough umbrella.

What’s your biggest struggle with prayer?

• We think we should be better at this.
• We’re afraid of vulnerability.
• We like to look competent.
• We’re hurting, but don’t want to admit it.
• We’re cynical.