Relationships are hard work whether that is at work, home, the PTA, the baseball field.
In work, we leave one job because of that jerk boss or that obnoxious co-worker, but then, guess what happens at the new job? There’s a problematic person there.
We get married, and it becomes hard, so we wonder what’s wrong. Did I marry the wrong person? Why are they so complicated?
You didn’t marry the wrong person.
Do you know what a difficult marriage tells you? That you’re married.
A few things happen when disagreements and fights happen (maybe you can pick up where they occur in your life):
Some will have trouble with irritation and anger and perhaps nitpicky and critical.
Or have problems with ulterior motives, martyrdom, and manipulation.
Or they may have problems with narcissism, arrogance and being superficial, always keeping things on the surface.
They might have problems with moodiness and massive mood swings, and feeling above the common crowd or the situation.
Or they have problems with human interaction and shyness (so they prefer it on text, email or social media).
Or they doubt your sincerity; get anxious about the stability of the relationship.
Some struggle to keep their commitments in relationships and dislike talking about anything uncomfortable, so they change the subject or make it about something else.
Some struggle to handle their anger or their negative emotions and take responsibility for them.
And some will struggle to say what they need and want.
The reality is all relationships are hard.
The problem in our culture though is that we judge the health of a relationship based off of how easy it is.
But one thing separates healthy couples and healthy people: they know how to fight well.
So what do they do? Seven things:
1. They listen. Most of us are not very good at listening to another person. We are busy dismantling their argument in our head and getting ready to one-up them and win.
This might help you win the argument, but you will destroy the relationship in the process, or at the very least, damage it.
So listen, take a breath and then respond.
2. Fight for oneness. Scripture says that a married couple becomes one. This means when you make decisions when you seek a resolution of an argument you are looking for what will make you one.
Fighting for oneness takes away the power of having “a side.”
Some ways that couples don’t do that is through shaming their spouse publicly or privately, using their kids as leverage or involving another family member.
These all destroy oneness.
The most common place this comes up is the area of making a decision or “breaking a tie.” For Katie and I, we ask ourselves, “what’s the best decision for our us as a couple or our family?” This immediately changes the discussion.
3. Understand how your spouse best communicates. We know that people hear things differently from us or communicate differently, but unhealthy couples don’t apply that to their lives.
Healthy couples know: does my spouse needs space? Do they process things mentally or verbally? Do they need to talk about things right away or later? When is the right time to discuss something?
4. See things from their perspective. Going along with how they communicate, is doing what Brene Brown calls “getting curious” and asking questions.
5. Understand what you’re fighting about. Have you ever argued with someone and then thought, wait, what are we fighting about? It’s more common than you think in relationships.
The other side of this is whether or not you are fighting about what you’re fighting about. Most often, something happens that triggers a memory, a past relationship and we lash out at that, but take it out on the person in front of us. It is essential to know when that is happening.
I heard an older pastor one time say to write down everyone that has ever hurt you. He noted that the list would not be as long as we expect it to be. But that we are making the people in our lives now and in the future pay for what someone did in the past.
Going right along with knowing what you are fighting about is being specific. In tough conversations, be specific about what happened. If we aren’t exact, it makes it harder for people to hear us.
The reason being specific matters is often, we are unaware of how powerful our fears of intimacy and connection are and how powerful those longings of intimacy and connection are.
6. Give grace to your spouse or the other person. Don’t try to win that doesn’t move a relationship forward. Don’t yell or put your hands on them.
According to multiple studies, do you know the number 1 way to build trust in relationships? Asking for help. This is the act of giving grace and being vulnerable in a relationship.
7. Married couples: Connect physically, even if you don’t feel like it.
When you argue in relationships and fight, you are exposed. You are vulnerable. In marriage, connecting at this moment somehow is essential.
This will be harder for a married couple than you think because you feel exposed. The reason this matter is often, we are unaware of how powerful our fears of intimacy and connection are and how powerful those longings of intimacy and connection are.
