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Joshua Reich

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The First Step to Controlling Your Schedule

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Have you ever felt tired or rundown? Like you are simply running from one thing to the next with no end in sight? That you and your family always seem to be involved in a thousand things and you roll into bed each night completely exhausted? You wonder if you are the only one. You don’t think you are, but as you think about other families and the people you work with, you wonder how tired they are. You wonder if they watch their kids growing up and feel like they are missing out on their lives. You wonder if they look at their spouse and remember slower, simpler times when it was easier to connect.

Have you ever felt tired or rundown? Read this.

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The reality is, though no one will talk about it, you aren’t the only one.

The problem for most Americans and families is that we don’t know how to stop the cycle of craziness that defines so much of our schedules and lives.

We think before signing up our kids for music lessons or a sport, “Should we do this? Can we afford this? Do I have the time to do this?” We wonder these same things as we think about a promotion or a move to a new job. But we often don’t have the courage to act on those questions.

We just let them lie there.

Here are some fears we all have:

5 fears that keep you from slowing down.

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  • How will my spouse respond to a change of schedule or budget?
  • How will my kids fare if I keep them off the sports team next season?
  • What will happen to my career track if I put in fewer hours at work?
  • What will the leaders at church say if I can’t lead a small group now?
  • If I change my pace or budget, will I miss out on something?

Often without thinking about it, we let these fears, what others are doing and what we think our kids need, control our lives and schedules instead of us taking control of our schedules. The reality is someone will control your schedule, and it should be you. Yet we give this control away every single day. To our kids, their school, the hopes of a scholarship, a job, a promotion, TV, social media or even to other family and friends. Now these aren’t necessarily wrong or bad. The problem is, before we know it, we’ve overextended ourselves, and we don’t like the world we’re living in. But we struggle to know what to do about it.

Someone will control your schedule, and it should be you.

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When you slow down, take a break, have a long conversation with a friend, take a nap, or skip a soccer season, you will miss some things. But what you will gain is a fuller experience of life. You will feel more alive because you have room to breathe. It’s not always easy for me and Katie, and we have had to say no to a lot, which felt huge at the time. But we can honestly say that even though we have more responsibility now than we did then, we feel as if we have room in our lives to be able to take on our roles, friends, ministry, and family in a much healthier way. And that’s something we are both grateful for.

The first step to taking control of your schedule.

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*This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, Breathing Room: Stressing Less & Living More. Click on the link to purchase it.

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Risks, Faith & Being a Scaredy Cat

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We often fall into one of two categories: we are either risk averse and afraid of everything, so we are paralyzed in life. This causes us to miss the chances God wants us to take and live the life of adventure and faith He calls us to.

Or we take any risk that comes along in an effort to live life to the fullest and not miss anything, which causes us to not be very discerning and often live a life full of adventure and regrets.

Depending on which category you put yourself into or feel the most comfortable in, it is easy to say that one is more spiritual than another and exactly what God has in store and planned for every follower of Jesus. Yet on closer inspection, there is wisdom in both places.

There are times we are called to risk it all, throw caution to the wind, leave no stone unturned and leave it all on the field. To sell the farm, and hope that it turns up roses. There are also moments that wisdom calls for prudence, a slower pace, more talking with experts and people you trust and maybe ultimately waiting on a decision or missing a-once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Is prudence or risk-taking more faithful?

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How do you know which one you should do as you face a decision or an opportunity?

Before we get to that, let’s back up.

The answer lies in a different question: What do you believe about God?

You see, if you struggle with fear and find yourself paralyzed at moments in life, you will often have a small view of God. You will see God more as a buddy buddy who is there to make you happy, protect you at all costs and do whatever you want. You will see a God who is less powerful than you are, so how can you trust Him with anything? You will also see a God who will not call you to scary things, a God who will never make you uncomfortable or contradict your thought process. God will always agree with you.

On the other side, if you are constantly pushing the envelope, then you have a risk taking God who sometimes will lack wisdom or at the least patience. You serve a God who wants it done now and can’t wait. A God of risk, a God who is ready to take off at a moment’s notice, who is often very pleased with your gut feeling or the things that will make you comfortable in that moment and meet your desires right now.

Should you take a risk or wait? How do you know?

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Ironically, both serve a God much like them and who wants them to be comfortable. The risk averse person sitting on the sideline who is never uncomfortable, and the risk taker who lives on the edge of the cliff and never has to exhibit patience or listen to anyone but their desire.

So which is right?

I don’t think one is right or wrong inasmuch as we need to identify where we often find ourselves and make sure of two things:

  1. That God is pushing us out of our comfort zone.This could mean that God is making you wait or pushing you to risk.
  2. That your choices are based on wisdom and not fear of being hurt or fear of missing something (interestingly fear drives both types of people in different ways).

I think more important than taking a risk is identifying what you believe to be true about God as you take a risk, as you think about doing something or not doing something. Is there a lie attached to it? Are you trying to win someone’s approval through it?

Often without realizing it, we fall prey to that instead of living the life God calls us to, whether that is of risk, waiting or wisdom, and sometimes both.

A simple way to know if you need to take a risk.

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9 Lessons from “Teams that Thrive”

Our staff at Revolution Church recently worked through Teams That Thrive: Five Disciplines of Collaborative Church Leadership, and it completely changed how we operate as a church. Granted it wasn’t just this one book, but a combination of the timing in our church and this book.

Here are 9 lessons leaders can learn from Teams That Thrive:

1. Andy Stanley said, “If you don’t know why it’s working, when it’s working, you won’t know how to fix it when it breaks.” While not a learning from the authors, it is still crucial for churches and their teams. Many churches don’t know what is and isn’t working. They have ideas, feelings, thoughts, premonitions, gut feelings. But what is actually working? Do you have data for that? Do you know why something did or did not I aII work?

“If you don’t know why it’s working, when it’s working, you won’t know how to fix it when it breaks.” -Andy Stanley

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2. The best teams make decisions as a group. The best teams both make decisions and “own” the implementation. Many teams operate as a place for the lead pastor to share ideas and get “buy in” because no one wants to contradict him and then move forward. Or decisions are made that are passed down by some hidden board, and then no one owns it. A team should be a place of robust discussion that covers every possible scenario, and then everyone owns the final product.

3. For good or bad, leadership teams shape the culture, direct the mission, establish the vision and model the values of your church. Put another way: Great leadership teams lead great churches, and mediocre leadership teams lead mediocre churches. This is just a simple truth. The healthier the church, the greater the teams. There is no shortcut to this and no way around it.

Great leadership teams lead great churches, and mediocre leadership teams lead mediocre churches.

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4. When we asked team members what made their team great, the responses almost always pointed to their communication practices. Churches are notoriously bad at communication. Silos exist, people do their own thing. The reason is simple: a lot has to get done, and communicating takes time. It can slow things down, or you might be told not to do something.

Communication determines a team’s success more than anything else.

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5. Many successful lead pastors make poor team leaders. They are gifted to preach, cast vision and think strategically, but they are poorly equipped to lead teams. For our church, I lead the elder team and oversee the whole staff team, but I don’t lead our lead team meetings. Our executive pastor leads most of the meetings that I am in. Why? He’s better at it.

6. Focus on purpose, the invisible leader of your team. This was easily one of the biggest a-ha moments in the book. What is the purpose of the team? Why is this team meeting? If you can’t answer these questions, you are wasting time.

Purpose is the invisible leader of your team.

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7. Top teams were smaller than underperforming teams. The lead team I’m on right now is the smallest team I’ve ever been on. I think back to the other teams I was on, and they had 7 – 10 people on them. Not everyone got heard, stuff was missed and we wasted a lot of time. Smaller simply is better.

Top teams were smaller than underperforming teams.

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8. Top teams do more decision making and leadership coordinating. While this is the purpose of the team at the top, it determines who should be on it. Most churches draw a circle at the top of the org chart and put the people in that circle on the leadership team. To lead a church, you need to be able to see the whole field, not just your area. You need to be able to make strong decisions, and not everyone is good at that. You need to be able to handle details, and again, not everyone is good at that. This goes along with #5 and who should lead which teams, which meetings, etc. It isn’t always the lead pastor.

Top teams do more decision making and leadership coordinating than anything else.

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9. Your leadership team is the primary determinant of the health, effectiveness and impact of your church. This is a leadership truth that every leader knows but does not want to admit when faced with an unhealthy church or a church that is not meeting its fullest potential.

Our church has gone through quite the transition in the last year because of this book and others. While at times it has been slow, it has been hard and painful for our team (and me as I’ve had to let go of quite a bit), it has made a stronger, healthier team and allowed leaders to lead.

I can’t recommend this book enough if you are a pastor or lead something. This is the best book on teams in a church setting.

This is the best book on teams in a church setting.

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The Most Important Step to Change

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Breathing-Room

For all of us, something or someone runs our lives. When this happens we find ourselves not living the life God has called us to. When we stop long enough to catch our breath, we realize how tired we are, how much debt we have, how we said yes to things we should have said no to.

If we aren’t careful we simply jump from “I need to lose weight”, to “I need to get out of debt”, to “I need to slow down”, and we try to make changes in those areas. We get on the latest diet, sign up for a financial class or clear our calendar for a week.

If you are like most people who try this approach, a month from now you’ll look up and see the same problem.

The question becomes, “What then?”

In most church counseling sessions we would look at the sins in your life. We would talk about your addiction to porn, your willingness to give your heart and body away in relationships, the pace that you keep, how you go into debt buying stuff you can’t afford, how you always gossip, or why you push yourself and your kids to be the best and attain a certain kind of lifestyle. We often want to move to fixing those things and think, “I’ll just stop doing them.”

If you’ve ever tried this approach, you know it doesn’t work. We can’t simply change our behavior and see lasting change. Until we understand why we do something, change and freedom will continue to elude us.

Have you ever been to a buffet – one where the plates are stacked, and whenever you pull a plate off, they all move up? Think of your life and sins as being like that stack of plates. Most of the time when we sin or hear about sin in a sermon, it is about the plate on top. To see true change, to see the things that crowd out our lives get conquered by the power of Jesus, we have to keep pulling up plates until we get to the last one, what we’ll call the sin under the sin.

If we aren’t careful this sin under the sin starts to drive our lives. What makes this easy to miss is that it is often something good that we give prominence to in our lives. Things like our kids, a job, money, keeping a clean house, retirement, a dream house or another goal.

These things are what drive us to go into debt, to run at an unsustainable pace on our calendar, which leads to an unhealthy lifestyle. This is the why.

The most important step to change is knowing why we sin.

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Let me put it another way: often when we sin, without realizing it we are looking for meaning. We sin from a place of emptiness.

We sin from a place of wanting to be filled up, a hope to feel better, more alive, a part of something, or to take away the fear of missing out on something. The search for meaning drives many of our decisions, and ultimately it’s the driving factor in our search for breathing room.

Often when we sin, without realizing it we are looking for meaning.

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*This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, Breathing Room: Stressing Less & Living More. Click on the link to purchase it.

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How You Talk about Your Spouse

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Recently I was at a leadership conference and was struck by how the speakers each spoke about their spouse. Some of them spoke highly of their spouse, while others were disparaging, even taking a passive aggressive tone as they told stories about their spouse.

The truth is: How you speak about your spouse dictates what others think about them. 

How you speak about your spouse dictates what others think about them.

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We don’t often think like this, but it is true. We may vent about our spouse, tell a story that makes them look silly or stupid, or even talk down about them. We think, “I love this person,” and our story stems from there. But the person we’re telling the story to doesn’t love our spouse; they may not even know them.

Consequently, all they know about your spouse is what you say about them.

Two things happen when we talk negatively about our spouse:

  1. We don’t realize the full damage our words are doing.
  2. We know full well the damage our words are creating.

If you have kids, they will look at your spouse and speak to your spouse based on what you say about them. If you put your husband down, talk about how he doesn’t come through, your kids will treat him as such. If you talk about how your wife always nags, is never grateful, your kids will treat her that way and believe that about her.

Where do these words come from?

Often when we speak passive aggressively about anyone, there is truth in it. We are masking our hurt and pain with humor. What this does is keep you from experiencing a truly great relationship with your spouse. When you make fun of your spouse, you miss out on trust, oneness and affection. You will each walk on eggshells around each other, just waiting for the ball to drop on you and to be made fun of, to be cut down.

One of the rules Katie and I have for our marriage is that we will never talk down to each other in public, we won’t make fun of each other in public. I want people who hear a story about Katie to hold her in high regard. I want them to think highly of her like I do. This doesn’t mean that we don’t do things that drive the other person nuts or hurt their feelings. We do. We just deal with them in our marriage.

Whenever I hear a pastor or someone make a snide comment about their spouse in a sermon or a conversation, I think, “Why don’t you just tell your spouse?” It is uncomfortable for everyone else.

Remember: No one will think more highly of your spouse than you do. 

No one will think more highly of your spouse than you do.

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You are the lid for that. If you have a respect level for your spouse at a five, no one else is passing four.

While this might seem like a small thing, and the idea of not picking on each other may seem like a silly rule, the reality of how many arguments stem from snide comments, passive aggressive comments, mean jokes and stories that make people look stupid has an enduring effect on a relationship.

Here’s how I know.

The next time you are with a couple, and one of them tells a story that makes the other look stupid. Now I’m not talking about a silly story like we went camping and got stuck in the rain, and we’ll laugh about this for the next decade; but one that makes everyone think, “This person is an idiot.” Watch the spouse who the story is about while it is being told and everyone is laughing at them. Watch the life go out of their eyes as they are reminded in front of a group of people, “You aren’t good enough. I can’t believe you did this.”

So, why do we do this to our spouse?

For many, passive aggressive comments and making fun of each other is a love language. A very unhealthy, surefire way to kill a relationship, love language. Many people grew up watching their parents make fun of each other. I know one family that when they get together, all they talk about is stupid things people did in the past and make fun of each other. They do this instead of talking about anything new in their lives, which shows a lot of unhealthiness.

Many couples also don’t know how to have an honest conversation about how they feel, what hurts them, things that drive them nuts that their spouse does. So instead of saying, “I wish you would ask for help, I wish you would say thanks for the things I do,” they nitpick and cut down.

In the end it leaves a lot of couples longing for more and wishing a different way were possible.

There is. Start to think: How do I want people to think about my spouse? And then start talking about your spouse in that light. The irony of this is that people have a way of becoming what we expect them to become. 

Our spouse has a way of becoming what we expect them to become.

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Leaders are Not Whiners

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“The leader in the system is the one who is not blaming anyone.” -Ed Friedman

If you get a group of pastors together in a room, or leaders of ministry teams, you will often hear complaints. Complaints about working with certain volunteers or staff members, budget cuts, financial difficulties, recruiting or simply the pace and difficulty of ministry and leadership.

This is a good and appropriate place to share those things.

Often, though, I’ll hear pastors or ministry leaders share these same complaints with their churches or people who are not in leadership.

Bottom line, one of the things that separates leaders from non-leaders is leaders are not whiners.

Is leading hard?

Yes.

Did you sign up for it?

Yes.

Did you know leading would be this hard?

No.

Does that matter?

No.

Mainly I’ll hear leaders talk about how difficult their job is. In fact one of our staff members recently visited another church, and the lead pastor spent 20 minutes (20 minutes!) talking about how hard being a pastor was and how hard planting a church was.

Leaders are not whiners.

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Now being a pastor is hard. Starting a church is hard. Recruiting people, managing people, conflict resolution, budgets, family life and ministry life colliding are all hard.

But if you are a pastor, hear this: Your life is not harder than anyone else’s. Your job is not harder than anyone else’s. It’s just different.

Being a pastor is not the hardest job on the planet; it’s just different.

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Think for a minute about most church planters and pastors: they have lots of meetings. The people in their church don’t know if they are at Starbucks working on a message, chatting with a leader, reading a book or a blog (thanks for reading this one), working on fantasy football or taking a nap.

Is pastoring hard? Yes. Is it harder than being a plumber? No.

It’s different.

When you as a leader whine about how hard it is, your people roll their eyes and lose respect.

When you as a leader talk about how hard it is to raise money, gain support for a vision or recruit volunteers, you lose their respect. People are attracted to a vision.

Take kids’ ministry. There is always a shortage of team members in kids’ ministry. You could bemoan that fact, or you could cast a compelling vision to people: Most people begin a relationship with Jesus before they turn 18. In fact, if you think about your life, you are still feeling the effects of the choices you made before you were 18. What if you could make an impact for good in the life of a child or student? Steer them away from the mistakes you made and help them find the life God has called them to? Wouldn’t that be awesome?!

How to vision cast to potential kids’ and students’ volunteers.

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Sign me up.

We’re a portable church, so we have to set up and tear down, and no one likes that job. What if instead of complaining about it, you saw the opportunity to cast a vision: Did you know every week a guest comes to our church, and many of them come because they drove by and saw a sign? Think about how God works. That’s amazing. Not only that, when we set up chairs we don’t just set up chairs. We pray over each of those chairs as we set them up. When I put a Bible on that seat I’m praying for the person who will sit there and maybe for the first time will hear about Jesus and the life he offers. We don’t just set up chairs. We put a chair down so someone can sit down and hear about the life Jesus died and rose from the dead to give them. You can set up chairs anywhere, but we’re part of helping people hear about Jesus. Do you want to do that? I can’t think of a better way to spend my Sunday morning than praying for guests who will hear about Jesus. Can you?

Is it hard? Yes. Do people say yes when you vision cast? Not all the time.

If leadership was easy, everyone would do it.

If leadership was easy, everyone would do it.

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How to Handle Guns Blazing Awesome Guy

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If you are a pastor you have had this experience.

You meet someone new at your church on a Sunday morning, or they email about getting together and they are excited. I mean really excited. They can’t wait to jump in. They are passionate, extroverted, seemingly gifted and they have tons of experience at other churches. They know the lingo, have read the books, have been to the conferences and have the t-shirt.

They are guns blazing awesome guy (or girl).

Your first thought is, “Where has this person been? Finally!”

Be cautious with ‘guns blazing awesome guy.’

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I get it because as a leader you want people who are excited, and guns blazing awesome guy is excited. He’s excited enough for 10 people! You can only imagine how far he can move the needle in your church and the people who will follow him, and how great it will be to have someone to shoulder the load.

All that may be true, but let me throw a caution flag.

There is a reason guns blazing awesome guy is at your church and not the church he just left. And it isn’t because of doctrine or because your church is somehow better. There is often something hidden in the background, lurking. It is this that gets so many church planters and pastors in trouble.

This is why there is so much wisdom in Paul’s advice to Timothy to not be hasty in laying on hands (1 Timothy 5:22). Move slowly. Guns blazing awesome guy may turn out to be simply awesome and great for your church, or he will move on to the next church that will elevate him into leadership quickly.

Now let me talk to the guns blazing awesome guy. The guy who is gifted, ready and maybe even mature. Not all guns blazing awesome guys are bad or sinful.

Many times you jump from church to church trying to find a spot, and the reason you have to jump from church to church has nothing to do with you and everything to do with people not seeing how awesome you are.

Slow down.

I know, I know. You are 25 and not getting any younger, and you have all these ideas and energy. Yet part of being a leader is being a follower, being under authority.

I recently talked to a pastor who was interviewing pastors for a job. He said, “One guy stands head and shoulders above the rest in talent and gifts. Yet he hasn’t been in a church for more than a year, and when he has, he didn’t volunteer anywhere, and he had no reason for that. It was ‘the leaders and the culture.'” I told him it would be a mistake to hire this guy, no matter how talented he is.

If you’re awesome, be patient instead of impatient. People will notice.

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For both the leader in charge and the guns blazing awesome guy or girl, patience is in order. This is hard for both because ironically they need each other but often have different goals.

I can tell you in my years of ministry I’ve been frustrated because people didn’t see how awesome I was when I thought it. The moments I dug into that, learned and allowed myself to be teachable were the most beneficial. When I kicked up the dirt and moved on, it brought anger, hurt and bitterness. When I’ve rushed the guns blazing awesome guy or girl into leadership because, well, they were awesome, I’ve paid a hard price for it. I’ve overlooked character issues because of how talented they were and because we needed someone in that role. I’ve also moved too slowly with someone and lost them because another opportunity came along.

This isn’t an exact science, so it won’t end like that.

This is more of a caution to explore where you are right now. You may have a guns blazing awesome leader you need to slow down the process on or put a process into place. That way it is less of a feeling and more of a science as you move them into leadership. You may need to take a step back to ask why people don’t think you are as awesome as you think you are and what God might be trying to teach you in the waiting.

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Pastor’s are Chief Vision Casters

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There are a lot of things pastors have to do each week. They preach, teach, counsel, pray with, pray for, listen, fund raise, make decisions, build teams, go over budgets, look towards the future, disciple, evangelize. This list goes on and on.

Some of the things a pastor does he can and should delegate. Some things he should train others to do so they can do it either at the church or in another church one day.

Some things, regardless of gifting, he can’t give away. There is one role, that while every leader in the church does it, the pastor cannot give away.

It is a role that must be on every pastor’s job description: Chief Vision Caster.

The pastor is the Chief Vision Caster.

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Every leader in your church does this or should do this (more on that in a minute), but you are the one who starts it. You are the loudest voice.

Why?

Does this matter so much?

The answer is yes.

If you aren’t careful, your church will slowly move off course. Not theologically, but it will slowly become inward focused. It will start to become about keeping people comfortable.

You know this and know what it feels like. Vision leaks and slowly becomes blurry.

What Separates Leaders & Followers

In my opinion vision is one of the things that separates leaders and followers. Everyone can point out what needs to change, everyone has an opinion of what a church should do, who they should try to reach, what it should look like. Only a leader can take them there. Only a leader can say, “Here is where we are, there is where we should be and here’s how we’re getting there.”

A vision is a picture of a preferred future, not just a complaint about the present.

A vision is a picture of a preferred future, not just a complaint about the present.

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How to Keep Vision Clear

As I said, you can’t delegate this away. You aren’t the only vision caster in the church, but you are the chief one. You should be the clearest, and all the visions for ministries in the church are based on what the vision of the church is.

Often, though, vision becomes blurry for the leader. It can become stale; you wonder if you are reaching it, if it is worth going after. When that happens, it is blurrier for people in your church.

Remember the law of the lid: no one (outside of Jesus) will ever have a clearer vision or stronger passion for your church than you do. It is imperative you do whatever you can to keep your vision clear and white hot.

Here are some things I do:

  1. Hang around people who don’t know Jesus. This reminds you of what your church is to do. Remind yourself that you are battling for souls, not over worship styles or service times. Church becomes so petty when you forget that souls hang in the balance. Followers of Jesus become the most alive when they are living on the mission that Jesus called them on, and that includes people who don’t know Jesus. It reminds you of why you work so hard, why everything you do matters and is worthwhile.
  2. Listen to great vision casters. Not every pastor is a great vision caster, but remember, every great vision caster did not start out that way. So listen to great vision casters. Listen to men and women who cast a clear and compelling vision. You aren’t copying their vision, but it can not only teach you how to use words but it will get you excited. Your excitement for the vision is the lid of the excitement of your church, team or organization.
  3. Spend time with Jesus. This one seems obvious, but pastors need to be reminded to do what they challenge others to do. Your vision will get dim and blurry if you aren’t spending time with Jesus; if you aren’t confessing your own sin and living in the power of the cross and resurrection of the one who gave you the vision and the passion in the first place. This time will not only clarify your vision but will strengthen you for the road to accomplish that vision.
3 ways to cast a clear and compelling vision for your church.

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Why Your Spouse Doesn’t Listen to You

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spouse

It happens in all relationships. There are times when things are going great and communication seems effortless, and there are other times that communication feels like a boulder you are trying to push up the hill.

There are reasons for both the easy and great times and the difficult times. While we may think the effortless just magically happens, it doesn’t. The couples that communicate well do specific things and don’t do specific things.

What are they?

If I had to sum it up, I’d say there are five reasons (there may be more) that your spouse doesn’t listen to you or ignores you. While many people may read this and think of just one gender in a relationship, my guess is that in most marriages both people are doing these. Remember, if a relationship is struggling, it is because of both people. No one bears 100% of the blame. It’s the same in communication.

5 reasons your spouse ignores you.

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1. You nag them about the same thing. Have you ever heard someone say, “I feel like a broken record saying the same thing all the time?” That’s because you are, and you get tuned out. Many times if you nag someone enough, they’ll stop listening. Especially if you nag them about something, and when it doesn’t happen you do it yourself. Do you know what you’ve just told your spouse? If you don’t do it, I’ll eventually get around to it. I’ll be angry, ignore you, give you mean looks, but I’ll do it.

How many times should you say something to your spouse about doing something? It depends on what it is.

I would say that if you have to repeat yourself, the issue is not what you are repeating yourself about but that your spouse is not listening to you. Deal with that, not the garage being a mess or clothes being left out. That is no longer the issue; it’s just what revealed the issue.

2. You bottle up your feelings. One reason a spouse ignores the other is because one doesn’t express themselves. They can’t help but ignore you because you don’t say anything, you don’t share anything, you don’t let them in.

This is easy for me to do. I’m a mental processor, and Katie is a verbal processor. When I’m convicted about something, bothered by something or someone, I think on it. If I see an issue in my life or job that needs to be fixed, I think about it and work it out in my head. Katie is the opposite of that. This can lead to her not feeling like I let her into my life or share what is going on. I’ve had to learn to start processing things out loud, but she’s also had to learn to ask questions.

The sad thing is when couples think that whatever the issue is, it will be fixed by one person doing something. You are a couple. It will take both of you.

In the same way, if you are upset about something and your spouse asks you what is wrong, don’t say, “Nothing.” Or, “You should know.” Maybe they should know, but they don’t.

Many times one of the battles that women and men have has to do with women wanting to express their feelings about something and their husband wanting to fix it. A woman asked Katie once, “How did you get Josh to stop fixing things when you talk to him?” Katie chuckled and said, “Before I tell him something, I let him know my expectation. Do I want him to listen, give feedback or fix it. Then he does.”

I know what you’re thinking. I should just know, and so should your spouse. But they don’t, and I don’t. Yet we make it hard, almost playing games with our spouse, and then we wonder why they ignore us.

3. You talk about your marriage to all your friends instead of your spouse. Too many couples are venting to their friends instead of to their spouse. Now I think you should have a friend or friends that you confide in. Someone when you are at the end of your rope you can call and vent to. However, this friend should be a real friend and not a cheerleader in your corner for your cause. The worst thing you can say to your spouse in an argument is, “I was talking to ____ and they agree with me.” You just brought another person into your marriage, and now your spouse is playing defense.

These friends that you confide in, they need to challenge you and your sin. Yes, they can affirm that your spouse dropped the ball because that may be the case, but it wasn’t all their fault, no matter how much you think it is.

Talk to your spouse more than to your friends about your marriage.

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4. You feel like it is no use talking. This is when you stop trying. I’ll admit this is easy to do when marriage feels hard. It feels easier to not say anything, to not try. What’s the use? The moment you feel this coming on, that is a sign to press in. The moment you think about taking a break or pulling back, not saying something, that is when you need to push into the relationship.

5. You want peace more than intimacy. One of the reasons people don’t express themselves in a marriage is because peace is easier than intimacy.

A downfall in marriage: Peace is easier than intimacy.

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When any couple chooses peace over intimacy, they have chosen a lesser marriage. Is it easier in the moment? Yes, but in the long run it will suffer. This can come from legitimate fear of an argument, a fear of being rejected or something else. Often when peace is chosen over intimacy, it is because of something in our past that is still broken. Maybe you grew up with a shouter and you don’t want that, so you learned silence fends that off. But silence also doesn’t bring closeness in a relationship.

Ever feel like your spouse is ignoring you?

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Let me close with this. Often what your spouse is ignoring in a conversation is not the issue. You want to make it the issue, but it is only what is revealing the issue, that they ignore you. That you aren’t connecting to them when you talk. Focus on that.

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God’s promise to use Abraham and his descendants to bless the nations rushes like a river through every chapter of the Bible. Scripture, is not just a collection of theological truths to learn and moral lessons to master. Scripture is an announcement about a rescue mission God has come on for us, and an invitation to join that rescue mission (2 Corinthians 5:14 – 20).

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Christopher Wright
The Mission of God: Unlocking the Bible's Grand Narrative