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Josh Reich

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This is Causing Stress in Your Life Right Now

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I’ve noticed a common theme in conversations recently. It creeps up in texts, emails, social media posts, and just the general feelings in life.

It’s the sense of exhaustion, the feeling that we are hanging on, and simply trying to survive the week. We are tired of arguing with people who disagree with us about covid, masks, and vaccines. We are tired of the constant pivoting and changing that is happening all around us. 

Personally, Katie and I were talking this past week about the exhaustion that comes from moving. The physical strain of moving, the mental details it takes to start new schools, set up new doctors, dentists, and all the things you do each day. 

If you’re anything like me, you’ve wondered over this past year why this is all happening. What is God doing? How is this part of His plan?

As I’ve spent time just looking at my own heart, what is happening in it, what is being revealed in this season, I have been reminded of something. Something I wish wasn’t true, but it is: I like control. I like the sense of control.

If there has been anything that these past two years have shown us, it’s this: We aren’t in control, and we don’t like that.

What is control? According to the dictionary: Control is the power to influence or direct people’s behavior or the course of events.

Control is the power to influence or direct people’s behavior or the course of events.

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Over the last two years, many of us have seen our desire for control increase because we have felt so out of control.

Think for a moment, how many people are in your life, and how many situations do you have direct control over?

I have five kids, and I have very little control over what they do. I like to think I can direct things, but I can’t. I can’t make my friends do anything. I can’t make my wife do something. My parents, I can’t control them and tell them what to do. I can try to control things, but I have very little control over the things in my world. The economy? I don’t have any control over that. Other drivers? No control there. The people who take forever in the grocery store line? No control. What about what is going on in our world with covid? Schools staying open or not? There are so many things outside of our control. 

But have you ever noticed that when our anxiety, worry, and fears start to rise, many of us grab onto control somewhere? 

If we can’t control our jobs, we try to control our kids or spouse. 

If we can’t control our paycheck, we try to control our gardens. 

The moment one place in our lives feels out of control, we start looking for control somewhere, anywhere.

The moment one place in our lives feels out of control, we start looking for control somewhere, anywhere.

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What’s interesting, though, is that this tends to backfire on us. 

What happens when we try to control a relationship? It often ruins it. When we try to make something happen, we tend to make things worse. 

We do this in several ways: 

  • Some of us try to power through. We pretend we aren’t hurt or sad; just put our heads down and go. 
  • Some of us try to control it by working overtime. 
  • Some of us try to control it through our personalities or emotions. 
  • Some of us try to control it by shutting people out. 

What if I told you, though, when life is out of control, our goal is one thing when we try to control it.

Peace.

We are going after the sense of calm.

We are going after peace, but we settle for control.

I think that is the invitation: to enter into the peace and calm we long for, we must release our iron grip of control.

We must let go.

This is causing you stress right now, and you maybe don’t even know it.

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I Can Do All Things Through Christ (Philippians 4:13)

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One of the things I have always found fascinating about the writings of Paul in the New Testament is how often he uses words like always, anything, everything, all things. It’s like he never wants us to think of a way out. Bring all things to God, rejoice in the Lord always. 

The same happens in one of the most famous verses in Philippians: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (4:13).

We wrapped up a series on the book of Philippians yesterday at our church. You can catch it here if you want.

  • In Christ, through Christ, you can fight loneliness and enter into community, no matter how hard and scary it might be. 
  • In Christ, through Christ, your suffering, pain, hardship, and dark moments are not wasted, and you never walk them alone. And in Christ, through Christ, you can get through them. 
  • In Christ, through Christ, you can grow into the person God has called and created you to be. 
  • In Christ, through Christ, your life can and will count; no matter how big or small the things you do, or if anyone ever remembers your name, your life will matter. 
  • In Christ, through Christ, you have a father who always does what is good, right, and perfect and who chases to the ends of the earth for you. 
  • In Christ, through Christ, you can reach the goals and passions that God has placed in your life. 
  • In Christ, through Christ, you can be satisfied with your life. 
  • In Christ, through Christ, you can let go of control and experience the peace of God. 
  • In Christ, through Christ, you can be content. 
  • In Christ, through Christ, you can be generous with your whole life: your time, treasure, and talents.
  • In Christ, through Christ, God will supply all your needs.
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Finding Peace & Calm in a Chaotic Life

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and breathe neon sign on tre

Many conversations I’ve had over the last couple of years center around the loss of control we have all felt. And I get it. I love control. I love to make decisions, and I feel comfortable when I know what is going on. But the older I get, the more I realize how little control I have in life.

What is control? According to the dictionary: Control is the power to influence or direct people’s behavior or the course of events.

Control is the power to influence or direct people’s behavior or the course of events.

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I can’t make Katie do anything. I can’t make my kids do what I want. I can’t control my parents, friends, people in my church, or the economy. I can guide things in my life, but I can’t “make them.”

Very little in my world falls into my control. Very little in your world falls under your control. 

This realization can create a lot of fear, or I can step into it and see what God has in it.

This past Sunday, I preached through Philippians 4:4 – 8, which says:

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your graciousness be known to everyone. The Lord is near. Don’t worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable—if there is any moral excellence and if there is anything praiseworthy—dwell on these things.

Max Lucado, in his book, Anxious for Nothing: Finding Calm in a Chaotic World, lays out a helpful acronym from this passage: 

In Philippians 4:4, we celebrate God’s goodness by rejoicing in the Lord always.

When we celebrate, we look back. We remember what God has done, who God is. 

When we celebrate a person, we celebrate who they are. We celebrate the closeness with that person. We don’t invite random strangers to our birthday parties; we celebrate intimacy. 

In verse 6, We ask God for help by bringing all our requests to God. 

We ask God for help.

We bring all requests to God. 

Just like a child asks a parent anything. They ask for every cereal at the store. They ask for ice cream for dinner. 

We need to pray that way. 

Paul Miller said, “Prayer is bringing our helplessness to God.”

Prayer is bringing our helplessness to God. -Paul Miller

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In verse 6, Then we leave our concerns with him. 

One of the main times for me to pray and bring requests to God is at night when it is quiet, and my mind is racing. Then, when I’m done, I say something like, “Now, God, help me to leave these to you.”

This is the struggle of prayer and faith, but it is the step of releasing control to God, so we experience his calm.

Then in verse 8, we meditate on good things. 

Think, concentrate, direct your thoughts and attention to the things that are of God. 

God promises he will keep us in perfect peace when we fix our minds on him. 

Why is meditating, thinking, dwelling so important? Because what consumes our minds controls our lives. What we think about, we become. What we focus on dominates our minds, hearts, and bodies. 

That’s why we need to meditate on Scripture, on God, focusing on his ways, to experience his peace and calm. 

This spells CALM.

Celebrate

Ask

Leave

Meditate

When we release control to God, we experience His calm.

When we release control to God, we experience His calm.

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What to do When You’re Spiraling

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Recently, I hit a wall.

Not a wall of burnout, but a wall where I couldn’t take any more stress for the day.

I was at my limit emotionally, relationally, mentally, physically.

I was short with everyone around me; nothing made me happy.

Can you relate?

I was spiraling. At least, that’s what we call it.

For me, this happens when I feel like I am carrying a tremendous load, when the weight of the world is on my shoulders. When I’m not processing my emotions well or when I’m not handling criticism well, I feel tired. It can also happen when life feels out of control, or I don’t think I’m being appreciated in life.

What makes you spiral?

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For you, it might be something different. It might be criticism, being taken advantage of, someone doing the same thing again and again.

All of us have it. All of us have a limit. All of us have a thing that we will spiral when those things perfectly align in our day or week.

But what happens next is very important.

If we aren’t careful, we will continue to spiral; we will push people away, make things more complicated or worse.

What do you do when you spiral? How do you handle it? How do you stop it?

Here are a few things that I’ve learned and practice when this happens to me:

When church becomes too much as a pastor.

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Get outside and move. When this happened recently, we went for a long walk as a family. It’s essential to get outside and move—our place, our surroundings matter in our moods and how we handle things. Often, we need to get up from our desks, walk away from our phones and emails, and get some new perspective or take a deep breath.

Get some food or take a nap. When Elijah spirals in scripture, God tells him to eat some food and take a nap (1 Kings 19:5 – 18). It is incredible how much better I feel about life, the stress I’m facing, difficult decisions, or conversations that lay ahead, simply by taking a nap or eating some food. 

Getting a nap and food is one of the most helpful things when you are stressed out.

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Another helpful note here is to wait on responding to people until you get to sleep through the night. This will save you from having to apologize for how you acted and reacted in this situation. 

Talk it out with someone to get some perspective. This can be your spouse or a friend, but someone who will listen, empathize with you and then give you perspective. That perspective may help you find a way forward or push you to see your fault in the situation. 

Someone else’s perspective is beneficial when you spiral, even to get someone to help carry the load and pray for you. 

Be honest with yourself about what is going on and how big of a deal it is. The reality is, when we spiral, the world won’t end. But, what causes us to spiral aren’t huge deals but speed bumps in the road. So, be honest about what you are facing and how big of a deal it is. My guess, if it’s anything like my spirals, it isn’t a big deal. It is in the moment, but in the grand scheme of things, it isn’t. 

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How to Make Your Life Count

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Meaning.

Purpose.

All of us want our lives to count, but how? Is there a secret formula to it that a few people figure out and others don’t?

The truth is, while all of us want our lives to make an impact, only a few of us actually live lives that we would say make an impact. Instead, we just see people who are at work, in the neighborhood, and at school.

The people who make their lives count don’t focus on money, influence, or power. Athough, those things may come as the person makes an impact. No, the people who make an impact focus on one thing: relationships.

Impact is felt and measured in relationships.

Impact is felt and measured in relationships.

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So, how do we live our lives? How do we schedule our lives so that relationships matter to us, and so that our lives count?

One of the things I’ve seen as I’ve preached through the book of Philippians is that while joy and hope are significant themes in the book, relationships are an enormous part of it as well. Paul talks again and again about his love for the Philippian church. But he also spends a lot of time in chapter two talking about “putting the interests of others first,” and “to not think of yourself, but to think of others.”

Then in verses 19 – 30, he tells us about Timothy and Epaphroditus and how they exhibit these qualities.

They put others first by genuinely caring, putting the things of Jesus first, and being trustworthy (men of character).

As we think about our lives and relationships, there are three important and timely things in our culture.

Do you genuinely care for people? One of the things that Pual tells us about Timothy is that he genuinely cares for others (2:20), not just cares, but genuinely.

Would the people closest to you say you genuinely care for them? Are you showing interest in who they are, their story, what they are walking through, and how they see the world the way they do?

Or, are you only interested in what people can do for you?

We show care by being there for people, listening to them, watching out for them, serving them, and protecting them as the situation calls for it.

Timothy and Epaphroditus put their lives on the line to be with Paul in prison, to be with him in a low point of his life, and to put their lives in danger.

This leads to the next question.

Do you put the things of Jesus first? This is living your life for a different goal.

If you’ve made it this far and want to see your life count through relationships, then you are on your way to living your life for a different set of goals and values.

The values of our culture point to notoriety, importance, influence, money, and power. While none of those things are wrong or sinful, they don’t lead to a lasting impact. Those things make an impact, but not a lasting one.

A simple exercise for this week is to read Matthew 5 – 7, and see where your life lines up with this. Because we aren’t perfect, there should be a part of those passages that do not line up with your life.

Are you trustworthy? Another thing to think about is this: are you a person of character? 

Both Timothy and Epaphroditus were men of character. 

People of character are missing in our culture. 

Men and women who will lead through serving can be trusted. They are the ones who will put others before themselves, and who are the same no matter who is around. 

That is trustworthy. And trustworthiness is built over a lifetime, but can be lost in a moment. 

3 questions to ask yourself so you can make an impact with your life.

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How are you doing?

You probably know already, but if you want to be brave, I’d encourage you to ask these questions of those closest to you and see what blind spots you might have. 

Our world, workplaces, schools, homes, and friendships need people of consequence, people who will make an impact with their lives. We don’t need people who flame out after their 11 minutes of fame, but ones who make real and lasting impact. 

And we long for that as well. 

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Speaking So Everyone Hears You

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At some point, a preacher will preach a sermon that does not go well. You know you tried, you researched, but it fell flat and you can feel that you didn’t hit the mark.

Or, at work, a conversation will not go the way you’d hoped. The expectation you had going into the discussion, or the desired outcome, didn’t happen. Maybe it is at home where you and your spouse, or you and your child seem to be ships passing in the night. You presented it to your boss or teenager, and…nothing.

What do you do? How do you get through to people who don’t listen, who don’t want to hear?

Matthew 13 is a short parable of Jesus that I’ve heard pastors refer to when they preach a sermon and people didn’t respond with the same enthusiasm they expected or hoped or people have used when sharing the gospel, and it went nowhere.

It says:

That same day Jesus went out of the house and sat beside the sea. And great crowds gathered about him, so that he got into a boat and sat down. And the whole crowd stood on the beach. And he told them many things in parables, saying: “A sower went out to sow. And as he sowed, some seeds fell along the path, and the birds came and devoured them.Other seeds fell on rocky ground, where they did not have much soil, and immediately they sprang up, since they had no depth of soil, but when the sun rose they were scorched. And since they had no root, they withered away. Other seeds fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up and choked them. Other seeds fell on good soil and produced grain, some a hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty. He who has ears, let him hear.”

Notice where pastors get themselves off the hook or where we as Christians share the gospel or a conversation: Some people aren’t open and won’t listen. What was the farmer supposed to do? The soil wasn’t ready. 

While that happens and there is some truth there, notice what the farmer did. He spread the seed out; he did what he was supposed to do. It was soil; he planted the seed in the ground the way you cultivate the soil.

Many pastors and Christians who share the gospel are content to let themselves off the hook by not doing it in a way that resonates with people who don’t know Jesus. Many of us are satisfied in our most important relationships to let ourselves off the hook, blame the other person instead of doing the hard work. Or we expect the other person to read our minds.

Here are a few ideas to keep in mind when communicating to someone, whether it is at a job, about an issue that needs to be resolved, or about the gospel:

4 ways to preach so they will hear and understand.

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Put yourself in their shoes. How are they feeling? What are their roadblocks to hearing what   you have to say? Many pastors don’t remember that most of the people they preach to don’t agree with them. So don’t assume you have agreement on the foundational pieces of your conversation or sermon. 

You need to know the stories of the people you are speaking to, their fears and desires, and their longings. When I preach, this is one of the areas that the enneagram is so helpful as a grid to think through. It helps me think of examples and what people might struggle with as it relates to a topic or a passage. It is also incredibly helpful in relationships as I think through where I am coming from and what the other person is looking for.

Have a goal in mind. What is a win? If the conversation or sermon ends, how will you know if it is a success? Is that goal realistic? Everything should be moving in that direction. When I preach, I have a big idea. The big idea is the one idea I want everyone to leave knowing. If people can’t say it and remember it, it wasn’t a success. What is your next step from a sermon? Is that obvious? 

The conversation you need to have at work or home, is the goal clear? What do you hope changes because of it? Too many discussions and meetings get off track because the goal isn’t clear. Frustrations boil over, or we begin to chase our tails and miss the point of the interaction. 

Remember, you don’t control their response. This is true but easy to forget. You don’t change anybody’s mind. You don’t force anybody into the kingdom of God. You don’t make someone kill an idol in their heart; the Holy Spirit does. You don’t make your child or spouse who God wants them to be; he does. Remember your role in the process.

This means you don’t need to push. You don’t need to say everything you can think of on a topic. You can stop talking and let things simmer, and allow the receiver to process things.

How a change in relationships happens.

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Be prepared. The farmer was prepared. If you preach, you should be prepared for your sermon. Do your homework. You, as a pastor, pay the price for your sermon, not your church. The farmer did his job; he planted the seed and let them grow. He didn’t force them; he planted.

Too many times pastors stand up and preach a half-done sermon. Too many times people start essential conversations on the fly without thinking through them, and then wonder why the other person is upset, or it didn’t go anywhere. This means you need to understand how the other person hears something, and when it’s the best time to bring it up so they will listen to you. 

4 ways to have a conversation with someone to move something forward.

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Rise to the Challenge of Parenting & Leadership

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One thought I’ve had recently (and maybe you’ve thought the same thing) when it comes to parenting and leadership is, “I bet it was easier in previous generations.” As a parent, dealing with teenagers and phones, all the technology, I’ve thought my parents and grandparents had it easier.

If you’re a pastor or leader, you’ve thought this as well, especially during covid. They had it easier in the ’80s and ’90s, before social media and online church. Church ministry was easier when people were mainly open to Christianity or had a church background.

Was being a parent or a pastor easier in previous generations?

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Maybe it was.

Maybe it wasn’t.

The point is, we aren’t the first to think this. We aren’t the first to throw a pity party about it.

In Judges 6, we encounter Gideon. Judges is a fascinating book because it is filled with bad decisions, sin, violence, destruction, and God calling up leaders to lead in the face of incredible difficulties. Gideon is one of them. The angel of the Lord comes to Gideon in Judges 6 and says, “The Lord is with you, valiant warrior.” If you read this, you would think this is a great compliment, and it is. But Gideon has questions. We all have questions. This is like when someone tells us, “You got this. You can do this. You were made for this.”

Gideon says in verse 13: “Please, my lord, if the Lord is with us, why has all this happened? And where are all his wonders that our ancestors told us about? They said, ‘Hasn’t the Lord brought us out of Egypt?’ But now the Lord has abandoned us and handed us over to Midian.”

He asks, “What about what God did? What about the wonders and miracles that God did? Where are those?”

These are the moments of leadership and parenting when we say: What about when sermons were easier? When updating the music is what drew people in? What about when everyone had at least some biblical knowledge? What about when our kids didn’t have phones? 

This is when we sit with our church and staff and say, “Remember things before covid? Remember the numbers, and what God did?” There is a sense of grief and loss at that moment. This is a sense of wondering what will be in the future and how things will play out.

While things are never as great or as challenging as we remember, we don’t know that in the moment of remembering. 

While things are never as great or as challenging as we remember, we don’t know that in the moment of remembering.

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All we know is that it is tough now. And that is what Gideon is reacting to. 

Look at how God responds in verse 14: “Go in the strength you have and deliver Israel from the grasp of Midian. I am sending you!” Go in the strength you have. Go with the gifts and talents you have. Go with the experiences you have. Go with what you have. 

If you are leading in this moment, you have all that you need to lead. God didn’t call someone else. He called you. 

If you are parenting at this moment, you are the parent your kids need. God has called you, not someone else. 

If God wanted you to lead or parent in the 90’s, he would’ve had it happen then. But he didn’t. 

But like Gideon, we still complain. Gideon pushes back, questions God, complains some more, says he can’t do it. He says, “I am weak!”

And God tells him (and us) in verse 16: “But I will be with you.” The word ‘but’ is essential. It is God’s way of saying, “I hear you, but…”

I know it is hard to parent, but I’m with you. 

I know teenagers and phones aren’t easy, but I’m with you. 

I know ministry is challenging, but I’m with you. 

I know people are afraid and divided right now, but I’m with you. 

I’m with you. 

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Hope and the Release of Control

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Control.

It is something we all like to have, something we all want to feel we have, and yet, if we are honest with ourselves, we have very little of it.

We can’t control the stock market, our retirement, or our finances. We can’t stop things from breaking or falling apart. We can’t control our friends, our spouse, our kids, or our parents. We can’t control our health, getting sick, something breaking in our bodies, or even stop the process of getting older.

Now, in all of those things, there are things we can control.

We can fight against it and try to keep controlling things.

Which is what a lot of us do. I do it. I like control.

We can throw our hands up in the air and say, “What’s the point?” and give up. Unfortunately, some of us do this as well.

It is a funny thing to think that on the other side of releasing control is hope. That if we let go, we can find joy. It feels backward because we believe that hope and joy are found in control. 

But what if hope and joy are found in surrender?  

Hope and joy are found in surrender.

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As I said on Sunday, we can let go of control when we surrender.

But how? And does it lead us to the life we want and hope for?

So, from one control freak (me) to another (maybe), here are some questions I’ve asked myself along the way to lead to surrender:

1. What am I hoping for in control? What does control get me in this situation? Now, if you are like me, you are thinking, I control things because I care. And that is true. But we still need to ask these questions. Not all control is bad, but most of the control we exert in our lives lacks trust in God.

Most of the control we exert in our lives is a lack of trust in God.

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And at the crux of control and surrender is the question, can I trust God? And it is an important question. Do I believe that God cares about these things and these people as much as I do? Do I believe that God cares about me and my world as much as I do?

The answer is He does, but He cares about them in slightly different ways than we often do. 

But back to the original question: When we exert control, what do we get? What do we hope for?

Often, we hope for comfort and a sense of peace when we control things, but that often backfires on us.

2. What do I control in this situation? Really? As we think about control and what we hope to gain from control, it is essential to step back and ask, “what do I control in this situation? Really?” The reason I like to throw the word really on end is that we can come up with all kinds of things, but that last question forces us to say, do you actually have control there?

Take any situation in your life right now that feels out of control. What control do you have? 

The answer is some. You and I exert influence in all kinds of places that we often underestimate. If you’re a parent, you have a lot of influence on your child’s life. The same is true with finances, your health, and other vital relationships. Although you and I have control, it might be different than we expect. So it is crucial to know where we have control and what control we have. 

So that we can release the control we don’t have, and surrender.

3 questions to help you release control and experience peace.

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3. What would happen if I release control? In many ways, it is the surrender question; the letting go question.

For many of us, this is also the worst-case scenario question. 

In the areas of your life where you exert control, what would happen if you surrendered those people, situations, and struggles to God? What if you let go?

It isn’t easy, but we know that God is at work through us and in us (Philippians 2:13), and that he will bring that work to completion (Philippians 1:6). That is why we can release control and surrender to God, and in that surrender, we find hope and joy. 

3 questions for control freaks.

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3 Things Every Great Relationship Has

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We all want great relationships. We want them at work, school, and home. 

If you’re married, you want your marriage to be as great as possible. If you’re a parent, you want to do the best job you can and be as connected to your child. The same goes for friendships, work relationships, and so on.

But what does that take?

We often know what a great relationship takes, but life gets in the way. What if the other person doesn’t pull their weight in the relationship?

Many things go into a great relationship and there are many things that can harm a relationship.

It has been interesting to me preaching through the book of Philippians because Philippians isn’t often seen as a relationship book. But, Paul talks about relationships a lot. And he gives some clear insight into what makes a relationship great.

In Philippians 2, he shows us three things that make every relationship great.

3 things that make relationships great.

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Before diving into those three things, let’s do a bit of review and evaluation of your relationships. 

Think about your most important relationships: Spouse, kids, parents, friends, co-workers, or boss. How are those relationships doing? Are they healthy? Unhealthy? Are they life-giving or life-draining? 

Often, we run through things in life. We keep doing things and never ask, “How are we doing?” And then, if they aren’t where you’d like them to be, what’s the way forward?

That’s where the three things Paul says in Philippians 2:1 – 11 are so helpful.

1. Harmony. We know harmony when we hear it in music, and we know it when someone is off-key. Harmony in relationships is working together, not apart. Harmony isn’t the same note; it is playing different notes but having them work as one.

This is the goal of the Christian community. This is the goal of a church. This is the goal of marriage. 

To be one.

Yet, when the world around us looks at churches, they don’t see people working as one, moving as one; they see people tearing each other apart.

Too many couples who claim to follow Jesus make fun of each other, work against the other person, do their own thing, split up to reach their goals instead of working as one. 

Dating couples, this is why your goals, values and beliefs matter when it comes to dating. Unfortunately, one of the fastest ways to destroy a marriage is to have different goals, values, and beliefs. 

Moving as one is loving the same things, united on the same purpose (Philippians 2:2).

2. Humility. In humility, consider others as more important than yourselves.

How do we consider someone? The word consider means to think about something, to ponder something before deciding. Humility, serving others, not giving into selfish ambition and conceit, is a conscious decision. It is not something we stumble into.

This is a daily, minute-by-minute choice to make others, and think of others, as more important than yourself.  As Paul Miller said, “Love takes the low place.”

Love takes the low place. -Paul Miller

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3. Helpfulness. This is how we come alongside someone and help them become all that God has called and created them to be. This encourages them, believing in them when they don’t believe in themselves, cheering them on, pushing them when needed.

Helping.

When we appreciate the other person’s gifts, talents, and goals (harmony), and can be humble to put their needs and interests above ours, we can help them because we are invested in them.

Now, back to your relationships. 

Which one has harmony, humility, and helpfulness? Which one needs more harmony, humility, and helpfulness?

I’d encourage you this week to focus on one relationship and one word. What if you could move one relationship further, make it healthier?

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Creating a Family Mission Statement

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One of the things that I hear from lots of parents, and I’ve felt this at different times, is a sense of wondering if they are winning as parents. But, unfortunately, most parents feel like we are losing, like we are pushing uphill as a parent.

And let’s be honest. Parenting is hard work. It is overwhelming. Most of the time, we are simply trying to keep up, trying to stay up to speed on what our kids are dealing with. We are walking through the challenges they have, protecting them, but also allowing them to blossom.

The question then becomes, is there a way to do that? Is there a way to move in the same direction as a family? With your spouse? After all the stress, the late nights, the slammed doors, and hurt feelings, how do you keep your family moving forward?

If you ask most pastors or business leaders about how they would do that at church, they will talk about their mission statement and core values. They would say, “This is why my church exists, why my business exists, this is what we do, how we interact with each other.” But then, they go home and don’t use any of that knowledge with their family.

Almost ten years ago, Katie and I went through a practice that changed our family. It put us on the same page as a couple, helped to define who our family is and what we hoped our family would become.

It all started when I read Patrick Lencioni’s book Three Questions for a Frantic Family. In it, he walks through how to use what businesses and churches do in creating a mission statement and values, and how to do that in your family. I also recount some of the processes in my book Breathing Room: Stressing Less, Living More. 

Maybe you’re wondering, “Is this worth the time? Will it matter?”

Creating a family mission statement helps your family make better decisions.

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If you don’t do this, you and your family personally wander around aimlessly. How do you make a decision when both options seem good? Without a mission statement, you guess and hope you are right. With a mission statement, decisions become more straightforward. You are also able to evaluate things more clearly.

One of the things it helped Katie and me define is what we hope our kids know when they leave our house. What kind of adults do we want to send out into the world? I think too many parents are trying to raise kids when we need to think about raising adults. So for us, it defined what we mean when we say, “We want to launch five healthy, mature adults who love Jesus.”

Now, here is the beauty of a mission statement and your values.

How to figure out what makes your family unique.

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Ready?

They are yours! You get to decide. You are in charge of your family. It comes out of your passions and who you are, how you and your kids are wired. The things that matter to us as a family may not matter to you, and that is okay. There isn’t a one size fits all formula for raising kids or launching adults.

The goal of parenting is launching adults.

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Start by listing all the things that describe your family. Not what you hope your family or life is, but who you are. What is important to you? What matters most? What things will you fight until death? This list should be exhaustive. You are listing everything you can think of.

Now, start paring it down. Are there words that mean the same thing or can be combined? You are looking for about five words to describe your family or you personally. You want it to be short enough to fit on a T-shirt, so you remember it.

This is the hard part but don’t stress about this part. Instead, look for the ones that stand out to you, that resonate deeply within you.

Then, you want to put it into some sentence form. Something that says, “This is why our family exists. These are the kinds of adults we are hoping to launch into the world.”

Now, let me suggest a bold step at this point.

Then, share it with a friend, someone who knows your family well, and ask them, “Is this our family? Is this who we are?” This is scary but very important. When we did this, our friends pointed out a missing word, and it was incredibly helpful for us.

Once you have it, live with it for a bit. Then, look at it to see if you are making decisions with that in mind. See if it resonates with who you are as a family.

Once that is in place, put it on your wall so you will see it regularly. Ours hangs on a mirror in our dining room so that others see it, but also so we can talk it through during family dinners and see how we’re doing at living out our values.