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Josh Reich

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How to Create Boundaries in Unhealthy Relationships

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Every relationship we have, the goal is to have a healthy one. But sometimes, we end up in unhealthy relationships.

Some people are easy to love. They are easy to get along with and have a relationship with while others are not.

Some people in our lives bring us life. And others that drain us.

But at some point, we all encounter someone who is emotionally unhealthy or merely immature. This person might look to you to give them something you can’t give them or don’t want to provide them within a relationship. They might want more time and attention than you can afford. They might want more energy or proximity to you than you can give them.

This doesn’t make this person terrible, but many people struggle on how to have boundaries with this person. Especially if you are related to them.

How to keep boundaries with needy people.

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So how do you create boundaries in unhealthy relationships or with unhealthy people?

Listen. You need to know how best to help someone move from unhealth to health, and that comes through listening.

Too often, at least this is true for me, it is easy for me to brush people aside. But one of the best ways to move a relationship from an unhealthy place to a good place is knowing what needs to be done, and that comes through listening.

Many times, I have assumed someone, their story or situation, or even the day they are having, and that assumption hurt the relationship. The truth is, you don’t know what the other person is going through, what they are experiencing, or the day they had.

Listening creates empathy, which can lead to understanding.

Hope for unhealthy relationships.

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Provide feedback. In listening, we gain the right to be heard by someone.

Most people don’t know how they come across. Or what it is like to be in a relationship with them. We don’t see the impact of our words or presence on other people. When we hurt someone, we are usually the last ones to find out.

This is why feedback is so valuable. Asking things like, what is it like to be on the other side of me? How did I come across in that meeting? Questions like this are crucial to be in a healthy relationship.

If you’re in an unhealthy relationship, you need to have the courage to give feedback to the other person. What they do with that information is up to them, but if you don’t, you don’t give the relationship a chance.

How to love extra grace required people.

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Help as much as you can. When you encounter an unhealthy person or an emotionally immature person, you want to help as much as you can. But you also need to know what your limit is. This is important; the boundary you set will be different than the boundary they want.

And that’s okay.

You aren’t responsible for how they respond or what they do. But you are responsible for your heart, your health, and not letting them pull you into things.

A healthy person can set boundaries and keep them. Unhealthy people can’t.

A healthy person can set boundaries and keep them. Unhealthy people can’t.

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This changes with the season in life. There are times that you have more emotional and relational energy for people and seasons when you have less. You have to be aware of this in your own life.

Tell them when they’ve passed a boundary. If you have set a boundary with someone and they cross it or ask for something you can’t give, tell them.

In relationships, this can be incredibly difficult and uncomfortable, especially if that person has hurt you or caused deep pain. Many times we’d rather pretend that nothing happened, that everything is okay instead of drawing attention to an issue.

But if we don’t, it will only continue to fester in us and the relationship.

Know you can’t save them. One of the hardest parts of a relationship with an unhealthy person is knowing that you can’t change them. You can’t save them. You can help them, love them, be there for them, but as Lysa TerKuest says, “You have to let the other person walk down the other side of the road.”

You have to let the other person walk down the other side of the road. -@LysaTerKeurst

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How One Word can Bring Focus to Your Year

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Every year, many Americans will set a New Years Resolution. Over 50% of Americans will set one, but by summer, more than half have given up.

My wife sent me a meme this week that said: “A new year’s resolutions are just a to-do list for the first week of January.”

And that’s how it feels sometimes. 

These goals range from losing weight, starting a business or school, quitting smoking and vaping, getting out of debt. 

Resolutions are helpful, and maybe they bring you to focus, but I think they are missing something. 

Twelve years ago, I was there. I weighed 300 pounds, and I was miserable. To read more about my weight loss journey, you can read it here.

How I lost 130 pounds in 18 months and kept it off.

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Every year, I said, this was the year I was going to lose weight. When Katie and I got married, I was 200 pounds heavier than her. A friend told me recently that she married me as an investment. 

At one of my lowest points, I blamed her for my weight. I told her that I would lose weight if she cooked healthier food. To which she told me, “We eat the same food.”

Ouch. 

I tried diets, exercise plans, fasting, everything it seemed, and nothing worked or stuck. 

We went to a doctor, and I told him, “I want to lose weight. I want to be skinny.” He looked at me and said, “Josh, that is a terrible goal.” 

What?

He said, “you need to lose weight because you aren’t even 30 yet, and you are incredibly unhealthy, but losing weight is a terrible goal for anyone.” Instead, he said, “make being healthy your goal.” Here’s what is fascinating to me now; he was right.  Not only in how it played out in my life but how Scripture and research back this up. 

Proverbs 4 says:

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Keep your mouth free of perversity; keep corrupt talk far from your lips. Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways. Do not turn to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil.

Your heart is the center of who you are. It is not only about what and who you love, but also about your desires, longings, and dreams. It also defines the person you are becoming. And yes, God cares about the person you are becoming.

What do you love? What do you desire? What do you think is most important right now and in 2020? What would you like to happen this year?

The writer of Proverbs tells us to give careful thought to it. Too often, we are flippant about our goals, loves, and desires. But as one writer said, “You are what you love.”

The reason I think we need to pay attention to desires, especially the desires in our hearts, is that they will drive us in life. And, this is so important, we need to bring those desires to God to see if they are from him. If they are worth our time and energy. And if that is who he created us to be.

Too often, though, our cultural narrative is, if you desire it, if you want it, it must be right for you. But asking what God thinks of something can sound negative, so let’s reframe the question: What does God want you to focus on in 2020? What kind of person does God want you to become in 2020?

What kind of person does God want you to become in 2020?

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But how do we know? How do we know if we have the right focus?

The writer of Proverbs tells us in verse 25: Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways. Do not turn to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil.

This is the principle of one focus. It matters what we focus on, what we look to. That focus, that attention will determine the person we become.

Our focus determines the person we become.

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Every year I read a lot of books. In fact, in 2019, I put together a book list that our kids have to read before they graduate high school, and my favorite book of 2019 was on it: Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones by James Clear. And his research backs up Proverbs 4. 

Clear said that becoming a new person, keeping a new habit is wrapped up in a simple two-step process:

  1. Decide the type of person you want to be.
  2. Prove it to yourself with small wins.

Decide the type of person you want to be. This is the focus that Proverbs 4 talked about. What we focus on, what we give our attention to determines the person we become. 

Who you are, who you are becoming. Not just who you are growing into, but what kind of person does God want you to become this year and beyond?

Often, we think God cares about what we do and think, and he does, but God also cares deeply about the person you are becoming. He created and designed you a specific way, with particular gifts and talents and abilities. What you can do is unique to you. 

Too often, though, we live someone else’s dreams. We go after someone else’s goals. We try to have someone else’s marriage or career, live up to a family standard. 

Too often, we live somebody else’s dream.

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I talk to a lot of students who want to do one thing, but their parents want them to do something else, and they give up their dream. They give up their focus. 

This point is why my doctor was right. There is a difference between being healthy and losing weight. We all know people who eat fast food six times a week and are skinny. You can lose weight and not be healthy. I had lost weight countless times and put it back on, all without becoming healthy. 

Being healthy is about the person I was becoming. 

And what I learned for me that so crucial: Being healthy is about what is happening in you. Losing weight is what is happening to you. 

Prove it to yourself with small wins. 

What we often do with a goal is to set unrealistic expectations. We say I’m going to start running this year and run five days a week. Well, how often do you run now? I don’t. Or, I’m going to get up at 4 am to pray and read my bible. What time do you get up now? 7. That’s not realistic. 

I love what James Clear tells clients to do that are hoping to lose weight. He tells them to go to the gym for 5 minutes a day, three days a week. Walk-in, lift a weight, do one exercise. He says they always look at him like that is the dumbest idea on the planet, but he tells them, “Right now, you aren’t the kind of person who goes to the gym, you have to become the kind of person who goes to the gym.”

And that small win, of making it there three days a week for 5 minutes each day becomes 10 minutes, which becomes 20 and so on. 

I think having a word for the year can be so important. It answers the question, who am I becoming this year? What am I focusing on this year?

How to become the person God wants you to become.

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I think the benefit of having a word over a resolution or a goal is that it defines who you will become in a year, what you will focus on. A resolution and goal can wrap themselves up in this, but a word gives so much more power to your life.

It decides the story you will tell for your year.

The power of a word for the year.

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Fight Your Fears

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All of us have fears. It might be the dark, failure, snakes (that’s one of mine!), heights, being alone, or being in a crowd.

How do you know if you fear the right things? If we aren’t careful, we can be afraid of things that aren’t worth being afraid or we can let fear dictate what we do and don’t do. One pastor said, “What you fear establishes the boundaries of your freedom.”

What you fear establishes the boundaries of your freedom. -Erwin McManus

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One way to know what you are afraid of is to look at what you deflect in your life. What things do we not want to talk about or deal with? What places or relationships in our lives will we not let someone speak into?

Counselor Ed Welch gives three reasons to help us discover our fears:

  1. We fear people because they can expose and humiliate us. 
  2. We fear people because they can reject, ridicule, or expose us. 
  3. We fear people because they can attack, oppress, or threaten us.

Welch says, “These three reasons have one thing in common, they make people bigger, more powerful and significant, than God in our lives. And from this power, we give other people the power and right to tell us what to feel, think, and do.”

If you’re afraid of heights, you stay on the ground; you don’t fly. If you’re scared of sharks, you don’t play in the waves. If you’re afraid to get hurt, you stay away from most relationships. 

One of the things we see in scripture is that the fear of God is the answer to our fear because God will not limit us but give us freedom. 

Because fearing the right thing can lead to freedom.

Fearing the right thing can lead to freedom.

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But something else is going on when we look at fears.  Our fears and worries have meaning. They tell us something. They reveal things about who we are, and they show what we love and value. 

This is especially important for men because one of the narratives of our culture for men is that you don’t fear anything. You are a man. This is why from a young age, men hear, “Be a man.” so, instead of fear, men opt for anger. 

Fear is faith in the wrong things. -Craig Groeschel

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One author said, “Following Jesus in faith often means asking what is the next right move?”

But our fears can keep us from asking this question and keep us from answering it, so we stay stuck.

What if on the other side of your fear, on the other side of the next right move, is the life you’ve been hoping for?

And all that is keeping you is a step.

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How to Make the Most of Your Christmas Break as a Pastor

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Christmas is right around the corner, which means for pastors, one of the busiest days/weekends is right around the corner. It can be a huge challenge to balance work, family, traveling, parties, AND Christmas Eve services.

Because most pastors will be working on December 24th, I wanted to share some ideas I’ve learned over the years and will put into practice after Christmas Eve.

Enjoy Christmas Eve. This post is about recovering after Christmas Eve, but don’t be a Scrooge. Enjoy Christmas Eve. Enjoy the services, the singing, the energy and seeing new faces at church and maybe some you haven’t seen in a while. If you’re preaching like I am this year, enjoy it. What a gift to stand on stage and tell people about the God who came into our world so we could have peace. What a gift. And don’t forget to celebrate the gift of freedom Jesus gave you by coming to earth. The message you proclaim on Christmas Eve is for you, as well.

The message you proclaim on Christmas Eve is for you as well.

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Now, onto the recovery and enjoying your break.

Watch some Christmas specials or movies. Or if you are tired of Christmas stuff, maybe you need to binge the new season of Jack Ryan or The Crown. But take some time and relax.

Read a book you’ve been dying to read. I’m a reader, and so are most leaders, so this is a great time to read a book you’ve been putting off. When I’m off work, I don’t read books about leadership or church ministry. Use this time to give your brain a break from thinking about work. This might be a good time to read a book for your own heart and soul.

Turn off social media and email. Hopefully, you are taking some days off. Our church is gracious and gives us a week off, so use that time to disconnect from work. Turn off social media (all anyone is posting is what they got for Christmas and pictures of snow, and you can catch up on that later) and your email. You don’t need to check it. Jesus came to earth and will continue to run things while you’re off work. It will be okay.

Have dinner with friends. I know, I know. You’ve been to tons of parties and around lots of people, and maybe you need some introvert time. But even introverts need relationships, and this is a great time to have dinner with people who recharge you and build you up. Make some time for that.

Take naps (several). Get some sleep. Don’t set your alarm. My kids will wake me up anyway. But get lots of rest.

Be active. You also need to move. You don’t need to set the world on fire and do a bunch of Crossfit workouts (unless that’s your thing), but moving is great for your body to recover from preaching.

Celebrate what God did on Christmas Eve. It’s hard for some of us to celebrate what God did at our Christmas Eve services because we’ll hear about the church that had 30,000 people when we didn’t have that many. But God didn’t call you to that church; He called you to yours, so celebrate what He did at your church. Every changed life is a miracle. And remember, there will be people at your Christmas Eve service who have never attended church before.

Watch some football. If you’re a football fan, this is an excellent week as there will be tons of great college football games on. So enjoy that gift.

Think through the new year. If you’re a new year person, begin thinking through what the coming year will look like. I do this process in June on my preaching break, but this can be a great time to pull out your personal goals and ask how you are doing and what needs to be adjusted as you hit the ground running in January.

How to make the most of your Christmas break.

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My Favorite Books of 2019

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Each year I post a list of my favorite books, the ones I would call the best books of the year.

Need a book to read in 2020? Here are 11 you should read.

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The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life by David Brooks. I read this book over the summer, and it was so helpful. Turning 40 this year raised a lot of fo questions for me, but this book was incredibly useful in answering them and focusing me on the second half of life and what it looks like and what it can be.

Questions Are the Answer: A Breakthrough Approach to Your Most Vexing Problems at Work and in Life by Hal Gregerson. As an enneagram 8, asking great questions is hard for me to do. I tend to have lots of opinions, settle on those, and then move on. This book takes a look at how to dig deeper into things so that you don’t miss the best ideas. It got a little long but had some fascinating research and stories behind it that I found helpful. 

Gridiron Genius: A Master Class in Building Teams and Winning at the Highest Level by Michael Lombardi. I love football and leadership, and since this book was about both, I loved it. The chapter on how to find a coach is so applicable to hiring and team building that I was blown away by it. A fun read, with tons of great stories and leadership nuggets in it. 

Managing Leadership Anxiety: Yours and Theirs by Steve Cuss. I wish I could’ve read this book years ago. It would’ve saved me a ton of pain and heartache as a leader. When dealing with other people, you have to manage your story and anxiety, along with theirs. In a church or team setting, you are dealing with family systems that you are often unaware of. This book took a look at how to understand those, how to understand what is going on in your body in a situation, and what is happening in an interaction. 

Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones by James Clear. If there was a book on this list that I would put at number 1 or say it is a must-read book, it’s this one. It is on the booklist my kids have to read before graduating high school, it is that good. I love the focus on “becoming the kind of person who hits the goals you have.” Too often, we don’t have that focus, and so we set goals without asking, “What kind of person do I need to become? What kind of person loses weight? What practices do they have, and how do I become that person?”

Stillness Is the Key by Ryan Holiday. I love all of Holiday’s books, but this one might be my favorite. The book is broken up into how to find stillness in your mind, body, and soul. For me, the body section was incredibly helpful. 

Can’t Hurt Me: Master Your Mind and Defy the Odds by David Goggins. This book is not for the lighthearted (and if you’re offended by a lot of cussing, this book isn’t for you), but what a story. Part leadership book, part memoir, Goggins story is captivating. All the things he does, the hurt he endures, the lengths that he goes to make himself feel whole are incredible to hear and heartbreaking to imagine. 

This year I also discovered The Last Kingdom series, which is a fictitious look at the founding of England. So good. I haven’t gotten into the TV show yet, but the books are some of my favorites.

My favorite historical writer of 2019.

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I also discovered a new historical writer Hampton Sides. This year I read his books Hellhound on His Trail: The Electrifying Account of the Largest Manhunt in American History, In the Kingdom of Ice: The Grand and Terrible Polar Voyage of the USS Jeannette and I just started On Desperate Ground: The Epic Story of Chosin Reservoir–the Greatest Battle of the Korean War. I’d recommend any of those books and his others!

To see my list of favorite books from past years, click on the numbers: 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015  2016, and 2018. I loved looking back through the books I read this year as it helps me to see where I’ve grown, what God has taken me, my family, and our church through. If you’re curious about the books I read this year, you can check this out.

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Finding Hope at Christmas

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Christmas is the perfect picture of anticipation as a child. 

Every year on December 24, we let our kids open a present. A teaser, a taste of things to come, and we kids relished it. Of course, it wasn’t much of a surprise – we always get them new pajamas, even when they don’t need them. But still, it was a ritual of hope. Our kids hope they’ll get something cooler than PJs. 

Christmas morning. For many of us is an unfortunate picture of disappointment. I am only one person with his own set of experiences, but as I talk to others, I find similar feelings of frustration. As we get older, many people seem to develop a general distrust toward any day that promises to fill the emptiness they’ve felt all year long. It is why, for some, Christmas is a reminder of the inevitable letdown of life. 

The unfortunate answer to the question, “Did you get everything you wanted?” is, of course, no. And we feel terrible about this. 

Why can’t we be happy? Why can’t we be satisfied? Will we ever be content with what we have – with the gifts in our stockings, the toys under the tree? Why is there this constant thirst for more?

Christmas is about hope, but if we’re honest, in the dark places of our hearts, we feel hopeless. 

Many of us look back over this last year with a sense of regret. We think of conversations we wish we could redo, choices we could makeover, opportunities we missed that we would take, if only. 

Each year, the Washington post releases how Americans feel about the year. They asked them to describe their year in one word. Of the top 20 answers, 11 were negative. Words like bad, unsettled, scary, disastrous, disappointed, horrible, turmoil, challenging. And the number 1 word to describe this year was chaotic. 

Many of us can relate. 

Where does this come from?

Henri Nouwen says our feeling of hopelessness comes from 3 places, three lies many of us believe:

  • I am what I have 
  • I am what I do 
  • I am what other people say or think of me

In Luke 1, Zechariah and Elizabeth felt this. An angel promised Zechariah and Elizabeth that they would have a son, one they had longed for. Hope for a childless couple. 

Zechariah and Elizabeth are the first ones we encounter in the Christmas story. Now, what is fascinating about Zechariah’s name is what it means, especially as we are looking for hope. Zechariah means “The Lord has remembered.” When we feel hopeless, we wonder if God has forgotten.

This is incredibly powerful for us to hear. It is in the act of remembering that God acts.

This is incredibly painful in any century, but in the first century, having children was considered a sign of God’s blessing. The gospel of Luke points out how Zechariah and Elizabeth were righteous and followed God’s law so that we don’t fall into the temptation of thinking their childlessness is a result of personal sin.

They had resigned themselves to being childless. They had prayed and asked, and nothing.

Many of us have been there. Many of us are there. We’ve prayed and begged God. We’ve shouted at the heavens and nothing. So, we resign ourselves to not being answered. We take God’s silence. We feel forgotten and give up on hope.

The story of Christmas, the birth of Jesus and John in impossible ways, in ways that only God can bring about is what Christmas is all about. It is what Christianity is all about. The hope we long for is only possible through Jesus.

Christmas, the gospel, Jesus is about bringing about something new.

In Luke 1:78-79, Zechariah sang a song after his son was born about the new life that God brings about: Those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death have seen a light.

Tim Keller said, “Christmas through the lens of Jesus is the most unsentimental, realistic way of looking at life. It does not agree with the optimists who say, ‘We can fix things if we try hard enough.’ Nor does it agree with the pessimists who see only a dismal future. Instead, the message of Jesus is, ‘Things really are this bad, and we can’t heal or save ourselves. Things really are this dark – nevertheless, there is hope.”

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Tuesday Morning Mind Dump…

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  • It’s hard to believe it is almost Christmas.
  • I had to have the first draft of my Christmas Eve sermon to our teaching team yesterday.
  • It was hard sledding for a while, but I think it hit a good spot for right now.
  • I’m so thankful for the process of teaching we use and how helpful it is.
  • My wife, Katie, preached her first sermon this past Sunday as we continued our series Unexpected: The Story of Christmas. She taught on finding hope at Christmas through the story of Elizabeth.
  • I’m so proud of her as this was a huge step out for her, but her story fits so beautifully with Elizabeth’s.
  • If you want to watch or listen to it, you can do so here.
  • I don’t know about you, but I am excited about the College football playoff this year.
  • Three teams that could be #1.
  • It might finally be a good three games in the college playoffs.
  • Our boys are super excited about the new Star Wars movie.
  • I told them we need to rewatch the other ones.
  • I don’t remember what happened.
  • Guess I’m that age now.
  • Feels like there are so many movies out now that I want to see.
  • Started reading What You Do Is Who You Are: How to Create Your Business Culture over the weekend, and it might be one of my favorite books of the year. 
  • We’re having a lot of discussion about church culture at our church right now, so it felt timely.
  • I handed in my first draft of my Christmas Eve sermon yesterday to the teaching team.
  • Thankful for the insight they give during the teaching process.
  • Pretty nervous and excited about it.
  • And I get to do it five times!
  • This Sunday, we’re going to celebrate all that God has done in our church over the last decade as we get ready to transition to becoming the Southeast Campus on January 5th officially.
  • We wanted to do it before Christmas break hit so we can make sure people are a part of it.
  • It’s hard to imagine that we’ve met in 5 different locations over these years and all that God has done.
  • I’m so thankful for this long, beautiful road He’s taken us on.
  • And that we’re just getting started as we become one church in multiple locations.
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Common Christmas Feelings

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One of the most common feelings at Christmas is feeling forgotten. It might be missing out on a Christmas party, a gift, a bonus at work, or not getting a Christmas card from someone. 

Christmas raises the awareness of our feelings that lay beneath the surface for the rest of the year.

The story of Christmas found in Matthew and Luke is a story of the unexpected. Two thousand years ago, in Israel, the people of God had been waiting. God had been silent for 400 years. Think about that for a moment, 400 years and nothing from God. God had not sent a prophet. A king or even an angel to help them like in the past. There were so many prophecies made in the Old Testament, and yet for 400 years, nothing seemed to be happening. 

God seemed eerily quiet. They felt forgotten. The people of God wondered if God would remember his promise to send a Messiah.

And if we’re honest, some of us are there today. Some of us feel like God is silent. That God has gone away even. We might also feel forgotten. 

The first person God comes to is a man named Zechariah and his wife, Elizabeth. Verse 6 of Luke 1 tells us about them: Both of them were righteous in the sight of God, observing all the Lord’s commands and decrees blamelessly. But they were childless because Elizabeth was not able to conceive, and they were both very old.

Zechariah was a priest who went into the temple to intercede on behalf of the people. So, he’s doing his job, going about his business. We must be told they were blameless and then that they were childless because in this culture, if you weren’t able to have children, that was often seen as a curse from God, or it made people wonder if you had sinned. But it also tells us about their situation. 

Then an angel of the Lord appeared to him, standing at the right side of the altar of incense. 12 When Zechariah saw him, he was startled and was gripped with fear. 13 But the angel said to him: “Do not be afraid, Zechariah; your prayer has been heard. Your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son, and you are to call him John. 14 He will be a joy and delight to you, and many will rejoice because of his birth, 15 for he will be great in the sight of the Lord. Luke 1:11 – 15a

Now, when we think of angels, we always think of cute, cuddly creatures floating on a cloud that looks like a baby in a diaper or a toga. Yet every time an angel appears in scripture, the first thing they say is, “Don’t be afraid.” Because the angels looked more like warriors. They were called warriors of light. 

The angel tells him, your prayer has been heard. What prayer? It could be the prayer to have a child, but as a priest, he would’ve been praying for the coming of the Messiah. 

I’ve often wondered if he was still praying for a child or if he had given up on that prayer. Has that happened to you when you think, “I’m done praying for this because nothing seems to be happening.” We don’t believe that, but we just one day stop asking God for something. 

I wonder if, sometimes, to protect ourselves from being hurt, we stop expecting God to do anything. 

Look at Zechariah’s response in verse 18: “How can I be sure of this? I am an old man and my wife is well along in years.”

We’re so hard on people in the bible. An angel is standing there talking to you, and you are questioning him. How could he doubt?

We would do the same. 

We read a verse in the bible, see a promise of God’s, and think, are you sure? I know the text says I’m forgiven, but am I? I know the bible says God will never leave me nor forsake, but…?

Now, let me tell you something that I think is amazing. For many of us, we name a child after a family friend, someone close to us, or look up the top 10 names of the year and go on that. But Throughout the bible, names are essential. They tell a part of a person’s story, character, or something God wants us to know about them. 

Zechariah’s name means “The Lord has remembered.”

It is not a coincidence that after 400 years of silence, God’s first words are to a man whose name means “The Lord remembers.” 

Why? The people of God felt forgotten. They were under Roman rule. I’m sure many people wondered, how do we know God is even real? When was the last time we heard from him? When was the last time he sent us a prophet? Moved? Did anything we can see? 

Not only that, I wonder if Zechariah felt forgotten. I wonder if Zechariah heard his name said by friends and ever thought, “God doesn’t remember.”

Yet, Zechariah believed and prayed. And God remembered. 

God remembers and answers. The message of Christmas tells us, God remembers and answers. 

The message of Christmas tells us, God remembers and answers.

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Right now, some of you are wondering, does God remembers and answer? Does he remember and answer while I walk through a divorce? Cancer? A family that is the picture in the dictionary when you look up dysfunctional? Does he remember and answer in unemployment? Lost hopes and dreams?

Sometimes, we need to be reminded; God knows you. God remembers you. God hears you. Maybe you’re here today, and you don’t know why you’re here, but you need to be reminded, God knows you. God remembers you. God hears you. God answers. 

Not always the way we want or on our timetable. Zechariah was an old man!

It’s not that God didn’t forget. It’s that in God’s remembering. He acts. -Daniel Darling

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So God sends an angel to Zechariah to say, “Your prayer has been answered, you will have a son.”

Christmas is not about sentimental feelings. Those are nice, but they only get us so far. They aren’t able to handle the darkness of the valley. Christmas is about the reality that God came to earth in Jesus, he entered our mess and became one of us, and because of Jesus, and because of the birth of Jesus, this leads us to the peace we long for. 

God remembers and answers. 

So because of that…

What prayer are you asking God for this Christmas? 

Maybe it is something specific that you stopped praying for but need to start. 

Or maybe it is something you have never prayed for but need to start. 

Or maybe, you need to ask God to open your eyes to see what he’s doing around, so you don’t miss him showing up.

What prayer are you asking God for this Christmas?

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How to Find a Christmas Miracle

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One of the most common google searches at Christmas time is a Christmas miracle. Many of the Christmas specials, the TV commercials (think every kiss begins with K and all the ads when one spouse surprises the other with a new car. Which I’ve always found funny: Surprise, I got us a car payment!). 

A miracle is the theme of all the hallmark movies, the Christmas cards we’ll send, and if we’re honest, we want one. 

Now, some of us are skeptical and cynical that it’s possible because maybe you’ve asked for a miracle, you’ve asked for something, and it didn’t happen.

For some, Christmas is the time of year that we love. We love shopping, the energy, the parties, the gifts, seeing people we haven’t seen in years. I love that it is cold out, I can drink hot coffee, build a fire, and hope for snow in the mountains. Not snow, I shovel, but snow I can see from a distance. 

But the Christmas season also carries with it a sense of loss, sadness and for many, merely wishing for something they don’t have. 

The paradox of Christmas is that it is a reminder of the blessings we have. Still, it is also a reminder of the things we don’t have, the broken relationships, the broken promises, the hurts we haven’t been able to navigate, or let go of. 

This is why many of us are skeptical of a miracle and even the possibility. This Christmas, we will hear of other people’s miracles. We’ll have friends announce their engagement at Christmas, or a relative will share that they are pregnant or getting that dream job, and we wonder what about us. We’ll see Christmas cards and pictures online of happy families and wonder about ours. 

But something in us says, “what if? What if a miracle was possible?”

How to have a Christmas miracle.

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The story of Christmas found in Matthew and Luke is a story of the unexpected. Two thousand years ago, in Israel, the people of God had been waiting. God had been silent for 400 years. Think about that for a moment, 400 years and nothing from God. God had not sent a prophet. A king or even an angel to help them like in the past. There were so many prophecies made in the Old Testament, and yet for 400 years, nothing seemed to be happening. 

God seemed eerily quiet. The miracles had stopped. The people of God wondered if God would remember his promise to send a Messiah.

Then, something unexpected happened. God remembered and came to them. Each time God entered into the Christmas story, it was unexpected. He didn’t come as a powerful king or prophet. He came in the form of a baby to an almost unknown poor family. What the Bible captures is various people’s responses when they encountered the angel or Jesus in unexpected ways. 

And what we see again and again in the Christmas story is God often shows up to unlikely people in unexpected ways.

God often shows up to unlikely people in unexpected ways.

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And for me, that’s one of the things that brings me hope. 

It isn’t just at Christmas that God shows up in Scripture or our lives, but the problem is, we often miss him.

I am often unaware of what God is doing because I’m looking for God to do something different. I’m looking for him to answer a prayer a certain way, accomplish a sure thing, so while I wait and watch for that, God does something else, and I miss it.

Spiritual awareness is incredibly challenging to keep on high alert.

Spiritual awareness is incredibly challenging to keep on high alert.

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The challenge of the Christmas season (and the rest of the year) is not to miss God and what he’s doing. As you go through your parties, your gifts, your Christmas services (and sermons for pastors), stay aware. Be on the lookout for the little and big miracles that God is doing all around you.

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Questions Leaders Need to Ask More Often

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Recently, I’ve sat in several meetings or talked with different leaders, and the same situation has been repeating itself.

Imagine this scenario.

A team or church feels like they need to hire someone or add someone to the team, so they start brainstorming ideas. Who can we add? Names begin to get thrown out, and all of a sudden, the group begins to move people up and down the list of possibilities.

It might be a church that is trying to grow or move the needle in a ministry. People begin to share what they think is the problem or how can they fix that problem or what they believe the church should do that they aren’t doing.

In each of these situations, one of the critical things leaders miss is a crucial question.

What are we missing?

Who are we missing?

Leaders need to ask these questions more often.

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Too often, leaders assume they have what they need or need more of the same.

I sat in a meeting recently, and we were discussing adding someone else to the team. So we didn’t lose the energy around the idea, people started to share names of people who could serve alongside us. This isn’t necessarily wrong or a bad idea. But what struck me was that we weren’t sure who we would add or why, just that we wanted to. I asked everyone to take a step back and answer this question: Who are we missing? What perspective do we not have?

Leaders need to ask more often, “Who are we missing?”

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I think when people hire a team, they often overlook this. Many leaders, because they like people like them, hire and look for people like them. If you’re a visionary, driven leader like I am, you tend not to want people around who ask “why” questions. They feel like a stick in the mud or at least seem to be holding you back. But they might be the leader you need to move forward or protect you from a poor decision.

When leaders make a decision, whether financial, hiring, starting, or stopping a ministry, they don’t ask enough, “What are we missing?” What data don’t we have that we need? What data are we overlooking that we need to look harder at?

Leaders need to ask more often, “What are we missing?”

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The reason is that many leaders are tasked with finding the answers. People come to us because we have a history of knowing the answers and who wants to follow someone who doesn’t know? At least that is what we think.

But when someone says, “This doesn’t make sense,” we shouldn’t shut them down or stop listening to them. We might be missing something that they see.

Two questions leaders should ask more often.

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Because, the longer we are on a team, in a company or a church, the more we get used to things. It’s like when you move into a house, you immediately see things that are out of place, paint that isn’t bright or carpet that needs replacing. Over time though, you stop noticing. You work around that drawer that sticks and that outlet that doesn’t work all the time.

Leaders need those fresh eyes, just like when someone comes over and asks, “When are you going to fix that drawer?” We need to engage when someone tells us something isn’t clear, to complicated, or not hitting on all cylinders.

Otherwise, we might miss the right person for our team or the correct data that we need to excel in.