How Covid Changed Church Staff Cultures

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The further we get from March 2020, the more we see how COVID has changed our world.

It changed our world in some significant ways. The same happened within the church. We’ve seen how COVID changed giving patterns, attendance, and serving patterns for people; the list goes on and on.

Just as it changed workplace cultures and patterns, the same has happened for church staff. We are just beginning to see what has changed, and pastors and boards need to start paying attention before we get too far down the road. While it may have brought about some welcome changes, it made some bad ones.

Here are 5 ways I think COVID changed church staff cultures that we need to pay attention to:

Everyone is exhausted. A lot has been written about the exhaustion and weariness everyone feels. Not just pastors but everyone in our churches is weary.

And believe me, it is real. I feel it, too.

As you lead your team, you must understand this because it is not going away. As you lead your volunteers, this is your new reality.

People have less time, less energy, and less desire to do the things they did in 2019. Churches must account for this and think through this.

As a pastor or team lead, you must continually check on your team. How are they physically, emotionally, spiritually, relationally, and mentally? You must keep a pulse on your team, and the dashboards running your team, to ensure you have the energy you need to make it to the end.

We stopped looking forward. During COVID-19, it was about what is next. The next day, the next week. And that makes sense because things were changing daily and weekly. Could we open this week? What did we need to know to open this week? What were the current guidelines for gathering, etc.? What were people’s comfort levels about those guidelines?

What happened because of that, though, is we stopped looking forward. We stopped asking questions about the next year, 3 – 5 years, and beyond. Ten-year visions were thrown out; sermon planning was thrown out because we changed our sermon schedules every month.

But now, as a leader, you must pull back and ask where you are going in the next 3 – 5 years. What dreams has God placed on your heart?

Many pastors and church teams don’t have the energy to look forward and dream. That’s why raising your leadership capacity is so important to lead to what is next. 

You must take time to ask, what is our next big goal? Our next big dream that God has given to us?

The churches, pastors, and teams who can start to dream again will catalyze their church for the future

No one knows who is responsible anymore. During 2020 – 2021, everyone’s jobs changed. Suddenly, you were doing things you weren’t hired to do because things changed and new things had to get done. Or, churches were trying to figure out how to fill 40 hours a week for people who no longer needed to do what they were doing. 

Then, as churches started to regather, old responsibilities were added back on; some roles stayed the same, and others completely changed. It created situations where people need clarification on who is doing what or what the win for their role is anymore. They are wearing multiple hats, and some of those hats aren’t what they were hired for. 

Hence the exhaustion that everyone is feeling. 

But as a leader, you must bring clarity to your organization

Who is doing what? Who is responsible for what? What are your top 3 priorities right now as a church?

There was less oversight. As more and more churches embraced working from home or a hybrid office model, there was less and less oversight. I talk to many lead pastors who are now frustrated with the lack of work their teams are producing and aren’t sure what to do about it. 

It is a combination of exhaustion and the reality of being thrust into a remote work environment you didn’t plan for. Most pastors struggle to embrace it and figure out how to thrive. 

Your team might need more oversight. If they do, they need to be trained, or else you have the wrong team. The best staff don’t need oversight but coaching and guardrails so they can thrive in them. 

As a pastor, I know what you’re thinking: “I don’t have the energy to train and coach people. I’m exhausted.” You must deal with your exhaustion so you can step up your game

In this post-COVID world, we must focus more on results and what is being accomplished than the old way of working at church, where we focused on how many hours people were in the office. 

Do you have clear objectives for yourself? For your team? What do you hope to accomplish in the next 3 – 12 months? Does everyone have clear results to accomplish week in and week out? Don’t just assume they know because there is a good chance they don’t.

What we tolerated and allowed during COVID-19. Whatever level of work you allowed and tolerated on your staff during 2020-2021, that is now what your team thinks you tolerate and allow in 2023 and beyond. 

If it was okay to hand things in late, not get things done, and blow off assignments, that happened because of the changing world we live in. Many employees and pastors now think that is normal, and it will require you to have some hard conversations and deal with some things in your work culture. 

The reality of the last few years is that work standards changed across industries. But in the church world, we have this idea that being nice is the same as being Christlike. So, we don’t have hard conversations or talk about work being done below the acceptable level (or not at all) because we don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. Holding someone accountable is being Christlike. Tolerating poor work, or no work, is not okay.

For churches, people give every week, so our standard of work must be high. Not perfection. Not killing ourselves, but it must be worth the investment people make in the church and the kingdom of God. 

Covid changed our world and our churches. We must pull back to ask how and if we like what it did. If not, it is time to do the work to make course corrections. 

And yes, this will take work. 

I talk to many leaders who are exhausted (and I feel it), but the job of leaders is to get in there and lead. Do what you need to do, what God has called you and your church to do. There is too much at stake for you to coast through leadership

9 Ideas to Make the Holidays Special for Your Family

Christmas

Photo by Elena Mozhvilo on Unsplash

December is a unique, special month.

There are parties to attend, gifts to buy, cards to send, food to make and eat, and memories to be made. Kids will be off from school, parents will be off from work, and Christmas specials will be on TV.

If you plan as a parent, you can make December a special month.

Here are some ideas:

Listen to Christmas music. I’m not a big fan of Christmas music. If you know me, this isn’t news. However, starting at Thanksgiving, we listen to it almost non-stop until Christmas. Why? It is a good tradition.

Take your kids out. Go to a park, go to Starbucks for a treat, and play a game or whatever they decide (within reason). You can use this time to get a gift for their siblings or others in your life. This can also be a time for you to help them process the past year and what you have experienced as a family.

Record Christmas specials and watch them together. Kids love Christmas specials. At least my kids do. So, record them (or pull them up on Netflix and Disney+) and watch them together. The memories this creates are incredible for your family.

The tree. Whether you go out and cut down your tree, buy one, or have a fake one, make putting up the tree special. Build it up, plan it, make your ornaments, tell stories about the ornaments you are putting up, and listen to Christmas music.

Do a special outing as a family. Some families go caroling or sledding. Some shop on Black Friday together. Many families in New England see lights, check out Christmas Markets, or see A Christmas Carol. Whatever you do, do something together and create traditions.

Eat special (and bad for you) food. I’m a health nut about what I eat. At the holidays, I ease off the gas pedal on that. Eat an extra dessert. Have the same thing each year to create a tradition. At our house on Christmas Eve, we make cream of crab soup and have chocolate fondue for dessert. We don’t make it any other time, so it is extra special.

Get pajamas. This is a popular one, but it creates a rhythm for your family around the holidays.

Celebrate Advent. One of our favorites is Counting the Days, Lighting the Candles: A Christmas Advent Devotional.

Slow down and be together. Years from now, your kids will remember very little about life as a child, but they will remember if you were there. So will you. Don’t miss it. Work isn’t that important. That party isn’t that important. Shopping for one more thing isn’t important if it keeps you from being with those you love (unless you do that together). I’ve been reminded recently by the illnesses of close friends of the brevity of life.

4 Keys to Biblical Generosity

Over the years, many things have been said in sermons and classes at church about giving and generosity. I’ve heard pastors berate people from the stage, guilt people into giving, or have a narrow view of generosity, which is seen as only about money instead of the broader context that Scripture gives. 

When scripture talks about generosity, it includes money, but it also includes our time and our talents. 

Throughout the New Testament, Jesus and others continually tell us that wherever we spend our time, our talents and treasure matter to us. We can say with our lips that we want to honor God and that God is a priority in our lives, but if we don’t back that up with how we spend our lives, we are fooling ourselves. 

In 1 Timothy 6, Paul wants us to ask ourselves if we are trusting in God or if we are trusting in the uncertainty of wealth. 

So, what does it look like to honor and trust God with our finances? To be generous in a way that honors God. The writers of the New Testament give us 4 words to guide our generosity:

Worshipful. Generosity is an act of worship.

Every time we are generous, we are worshiping. Every time we aren’t generous, we are worshiping. 

Being generous with our time, talents, and treasure shows that we believe everything belongs to God and worship him. As Paul tells us in 1 Timothy 6, we place our hope in God. 

But when we are stingy and hold our time, talents, and treasures tightly, we worship something else. That might be security, more prestige, our kid’s sports calendars, etc. 

But Paul tells us every action and decision is an act of worship, either towards God or towards the uncertainty of wealth. 

When we are generous, we are reminding ourselves who owns everything. We are stewarding what God owns and has entrusted to us.

When we share our finances, time, and talents with those around us, we worship and give glory to God, who gave us these things to use. 

Proportional. The word tithe means “tenth,” where giving 10% back to God comes from. If you aren’t giving back to God and want to move forward in generosity, that is a great place to start but not where to end.

What is proportional for one person isn’t for another.

Each year, Katie and I pray through upping our percentage of what we give back to God.

Not only because generosity is the first step to contentment.

But have you ever met someone generous and miserable? I haven’t. They’re always happy.

The same happens with time and talent. Each person has different amounts of time they can give in each stage of life. Your proportion of time is different in your teens, your 30’s, compared to your 60’s. 

Sacrificial. Giving away $100 might be a lot for one person but not for another.

Giving should stretch us. It should change us and our priorities. 

In many ways, it should make us go ouch. That is what sacrifice means. It hurts a little bit. It pushes us and challenges us.

That is what generosity should do.

Andy Stanley said, Giving 10% makes many people uncomfortable, extremely uncomfortable. But then, so is a colonoscopy, and those save countless lives.

Being uncomfortable isn’t bad.

Discomfort is sometimes the thing we need to grow in our faith. 

Intentional. This means you planned it. It didn’t just happen.

In 2 Corinthians 9, when Paul talks about generosity, he says that each person should decide in his heart.

This means you decide ahead of time.

I encourage everyone in our church to give using automated giving on the giving envelope. It means you decide ahead of time.

Here’s the question for us: Is your giving worshipful, proportional, sacrificial, and intentional?

Major Life Transitions and our Commitments

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I don’t know if you’ve noticed this in your life, but I have seen it play out in mine and countless others, and it is this: When we experience major life transitions, we reevaluate and rethink our commitments.

You have seen this play out at your church if you’re a pastor.

Whenever we walk through a life transition: birth, death, divorce, retirement, becoming an empty nester, going to college or grad school, or moving, we also tend to pull away from community and church.

The latest data backs this up, pointing out that moving is the number one reason people leave church.

Let me be clear. I’m not saying this is right or wrong, only that it is real.

Maybe you had someone in your church who was highly involved, and then all their kids moved out of the house, and they stepped back from their community group and serving teams. Maybe someone retired who was a group leader is now taking a break.

This is natural, and I’m not bemoaning in any way, shape, or form. Just as we enter new life stages, we make changes.

One reason is that our lives have changed.

When you add a child to your family, your life is different. When you enter the teenage years or become an empty nester, your life has taken on new responsibilities and meaning.

It is a time to pull back and ask yourself some questions.

All that preamble leads to this post: Pastors need to be more aware of this as they bring people into leadership and how they navigate transitions. When we add someone or someone leaves one of our teams, we overlook what is happening in their personal lives or what is on the horizon in their personal lives. 

As leaders, we also need to be aware of the transitions we are walking through, will walk through, and prepare for those. We need to do the same for those we serve with.

This doesn’t mean you make major changes to your life whenever you go through life stage transitions, but it is also a normal part of life.

Over the last decade, I have seen this play out time and again with people in the church. Now, I am more aware of it. Are we putting someone into leadership who is about to have a life stage transition? I have conversations with people on my team about the transition they are walking through, what they need, how it affects them, and their role. 

There is very little we can do about this reality because it is real and an important part of life, leadership, and church involvement, but we must be aware of it as pastors. 

The Hardest Part about Moving

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Since moving, Katie and I are often asked by people a few different questions. Things like, “What do you miss the most about Arizona? Would you move again? What was hard for you and the kids?”

We’ve also gotten a lot of questions from people who are moving or considering moving and trying to figure out the road ahead, what might be hard, and if a big move like we did is worth it for them.

Moving, like all things in life, has its ups and downs. When we left Arizona, we knew it would take a lot of effort and be stressful, but there were some surprises along the way. 

You have to figure out where your kids’ schools are, your favorite grocery stores, where you will take walks, and what fun things you want to do. One of the exhausting things about moving to a new place is how your brain is always on when you are in the car because you are using GPS and don’t know where anything is. When you know where something is, your brain takes a break in the car and drives there. You have to be alert and keep watching when you don’t know. That is tiring. You also wonder, will I ever “just know” where things are?!

Two of the hardest parts about moving are friendships and traditions. 

The most obvious answer to what we miss the most is friendships. 

When you live in a place as long as we lived in Arizona (15 years), you build a life there. You build community. When you move, while you do your best to keep those relationships going (and we have), some of them fade away. This is natural because relationships are often about proximity and frequency

This is a big loss and something we have grieved as we have moved. 

And while you grieve the loss of relationships, what is equally challenging is the reality of building new friendships. Because they take time, you must have proximity and frequency with a whole new group of people in a new place. Those people already have relationships. 

One of the differences in moving to New England is that many people here are from New England. Someone told me it takes you 5 generations to say you’re from Rhode Island and that if you aren’t born in Maine, you can never say you’re from Maine. This isn’t good or bad about New England; it just is what makes New England who it is. 

When our kids started at the local school, there were 3 new kids in their grade (and our kids were 2 of them), and there were 4 new kids at the high school (and our kids were 2 of them). That is hard. 

Whereas, if you go to Colorado or Arizona, you rarely meet someone from those places. Most people are from elsewhere, leading to faster friendships because more people need friendships. 

If you are considering moving, you have to take this into account. 

Something else you must remember if you are a pastor moving to a new church is that the tenure of the previous pastor will affect your relationships coming in, how wary people are of you staying for a long time, or if they gravitate towards you quickly. 

The other thing that has been the hardest surprised me: the loss of traditions. 

Most family traditions, especially around the holidays, are location-based. You go to this place on your birthday, this place for a celebration, that place on vacation or this place during Thanksgiving, Christmas, or the 4th of July. When you move, that all changes. You don’t go to those places anymore, and the places you do go to don’t feel like a tradition yet because you’ve only done them once or twice. 

We’ve had to grieve this and will continue to grieve through the years. This isn’t bad, but it is a reality of moving. 

As we do new things, especially around the holidays or birthdays, we say, “This might be the start of a tradition.” It changes how we think about our actions and reminds our family that we are working towards new traditions and seasons. 

In the course of these conversations, then, someone inevitably asks us, “Is it worth moving? Would you do it again?” The answer depends, and yes. 

It depends because I don’t know their situation and if moving is right for them. For us, it was. Yes, it was hard; yes, we would move again because we knew our time in Arizona was done, and God was moving us to a new place and season

How a Church Falls

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Have you ever seen a church fall?

We’ve seen leaders fall, but what about churches? Once, they were growing, healthy, seeing people come to faith and grow in maturity, and then, seemingly overnight, that wasn’t happening. At first, the people in the church are completely unaware of it. Giving or attendance may dip a little bit, but leaders explain it away. But slowly, if you look closer, you see that the church has lost hundreds of people in a few years.

But why?

Because a church loses its way, they didn’t do it on purpose, but slowly, they did.

Years ago, I read a fantastic book by Jim Collins called How the Mighty Fall. In it, he lays out how companies fall, and often, they fall, and they are completely unaware of it. While the book has a lot of insights for pastors and churches, there are some clear reasons a church falls.

But how does a church fall?

You could say it’s when they lose their purpose, take their eyes off Jesus, and focus on man, buildings, money, etc. But the reality is that a church can do that and not fall. They can keep growing, reaching people, and doing things. It is often, in looking back, that we see a church has fallen. 

We could say it is through metrics. When attendance or giving drops, salvation, and baptisms drop, a church has fallen. But that can also be a seasonal thing, a situation or crisis the church is going through that needs to be weathered. 

The other day, I found myself in 2 Kings 17 in my daily reading. At the top of my building is a heading that reads “Why Israel Fell.” As I read it, the comparisons for churches were striking. The writer of 2 Kings lays out 3 reasons why Israel fell, and I think have profound implications for pastors and churches. 

Here they are: 

Doing what is right in their own eyes. This is a common refrain in the Old Testament, specifically the book of Judges. The people fall away when they do what is right in their own eyes. When this line appears in Scripture, you know that sin is a major part of people’s lives: idol worship, forgetting the work of God, and moving away from God’s commandments. 

Churches do this when they start doing things to gain a crowd instead of forming people in the likeness of Jesus. This happens within church communities when sin abounds, people are in conflict, and it isn’t resolved, gossip runs rampant, and people are divisive around things they shouldn’t be about. 

Repeating the past and not learning from it. One of the biggest struggles for a church in decline is to try to recapture the glory days or when things were working in a church. The thinking goes if we can get back to what we were doing, then everything will be okay, or we will return to what it was. Or, if we can do the ministries we used to do, we will be where we used to be. And while that can be true, it rarely is. Those ministries and how they were being done can often be what led to the decline. 

To move forward and keep a church from decline, it must move into the new season that God has for it. We must celebrate and remember what God did in the past but not cling to it. 

The other trap the church falls into is not learning from the past. Often, when a church goes through a difficult season, it is easy to pin that season on one person or a group of people without looking under the hood of the church to ask how that happened or what is in the DNA of the church that might need to be dealt with. Churches have origin stories, like families, and there are things within the emotional system of a church that will continue to be passed down if they aren’t dealt with. 

Not doing the will of God. The last thing a church that falls does, and this will be obvious, but not doing the will of God. The Bible is clear on what the church should be about and focused on. Yet, many churches find themselves not doing those things because of what they think or want churches to do or because the church down the road does it or has this ministry or that one. Also, churches overlook the season God has their church in and want to fight against it. When that happens, it only leads to hurt feelings and frustrations. 

Pastors Lose 5 – 7 Relationships a Year

The other day, I saw a post from Brandon Cox that stopped me in my tracks. He said, “Most people will lose 5 to 7 significant relationships over the course of their lifetime, but pastors lose 5 to 7 significant relationships per year.”

As I thought about it, that has 100% been my experience. I reposted it and heard from countless pastors, PKs, and spouses who said, “This is real life in ministry.” One person said, “My relational world improved when I stepped out of ministry.” One said they had “recently lost 90% of their friendships…and so have our kids.”

What is it about ministry that makes relationships and friendships difficult? Are they different from other jobs or spheres of life? 

I think ministry makes friendships difficult because of how relational church is. One would think that this would be an advantage, and while it can lead to community forming quicker, it can also lead to heartache when someone leaves the church. 

Before sharing thoughts on what to do about and how to be in ministry regarding friends, why do relationships end or become difficult?

As I said, ministry is relational, which surprises people who aren’t in ministry to hear the above comments. Because of how relational ministry is, friendships can begin quickly if you meet the right person. You spend a few lunches or dinners together after church very quickly. 

But often, those relationships end when you no longer hold the church (or something else) in common.

Most friendships in life are about proximity and frequency. 

This sounds mean to say, but it is a reality. You build friendships with the people you see regularly, and when that regular basis ends, the friendship often ends or becomes less significant. Parents experience this when they know someone on a child’s sports sideline, but the season ends. The same happens with work friends or other hobbies that bring you together. It doesn’t mean you don’t like that person, but the relationship also changes when the proximity and frequency change. 

What does this have to do with pastors and churches?

Many of the relationships that pastors and their families have are in the church. When that proximity and frequency changes with someone, the relationship changes. Pastors and their families have always experienced this, but it has become more pronounced in recent years. Why? Covid and politics are a big reason for many of these relational changes. Pastors saw countless people leave their churches in 2020 – 2022 because of restrictions and decisions that churches made or didn’t make. For me, it was mind-blowing to watch.

But people leave churches for other reasons. They stop attending as frequently because of life situations, whether that is work, hobbies, or kids’ sports. They move, which leads to leaving the church. They leave because the church is changing (usually centered on the lead pastor’s decision). Once, our family lost over a dozen friendships because of a change at our church. It is hard to explain and comprehend that in your heart and mind. One person commented on my post about losing 90% of their friendships in a season of ministry. 

So, what do you do? How do you move forward as a pastor or if you’re married to one?

The first reality is what many pastors have done. They’ve left the full-time ministry. And this may be where you are, especially if you are struggling to keep a soft heart towards those in your church or even open yourself up to relationships. At the very least, consider a break of some kind. Having a soft heart and keeping an eye on how open I am to people is a gauge I’m constantly aware of. And this may be where you are permanently or for a season. Let me be the first to say I understand that and don’t begrudge you. While that’s a longer post, a person who steps out of pastoral ministry for any time shouldn’t feel guilty. 

But, there are some things to do to stay and move forward in ministry related to friendships. 

Prepare for losses. One of the things I was not prepared for entering ministry was the losses I would accumulate. This isn’t just related to friendships but includes them. People we have vacationed with, people we opened our hearts up to and shared deep and intimate things leaving you and stabbing you in the back, is incredibly difficult. Having staff members turn on you or your family is incredibly painful. Walking with couples through difficult seasons only to have them walk away from you and each other. 

You have to prepare for that. I wish it weren’t true, but it is part of leadership and ministry, especially regarding social media. 

You also have to prepare your spouse and kids for this reality. Because somewhere along the way, they will lose a friend because they are related to a pastor. And that is hard for them to understand, especially your kids. 

Is there another job where your kids can lose friends because of a decision you make or don’t make? I’m sure there are other jobs like that, but I’ve had a hard time figuring one out, which is one thing that makes pastoral ministry unique. 

Grieve losses. But as losses stack up, you must grieve them, or you will carry them. This will take the work of a trusted friend or even a counselor. But you must have someone who can help you grieve the pain you accumulate in ministry and life. If you don’t, this will hinder your ministry, and you will make other people pay for the sins others have committed against you. You also need to help make space for your kids and spouse to grieve the losses they experience in their relational world related to the church. This becomes a bit easier if you move and are no longer at the church, but you will still carry losses even across state lines. 

Make friends inside and outside the church. When I entered the ministry, an older pastor told me I shouldn’t make friends in the church I was a part of because it was impossible. Many pastors have this idea. While I wouldn’t say it is impossible, I would say that making friends inside the church you are on staff at is important and necessary, but it also takes wisdom. 

As a pastor, you need to have a community in your church because relationships are about frequency and proximity, and that’s your church. It will also be very lonely for you as a pastor if you aren’t friends with people at your church or people you are on staff with. But you need wisdom about how those friendships go, what you share and don’t share. You have to be clear about relational lines, authority lines, etc. And that is where it gets difficult in a church setting. 

It is also helpful to have friendships outside of your church. Other pastors know what you carry, your weight, and the difficulties you endure. People you can call and unload on, and they can unload on you. 

Keep your heart soft. It is easy in ministry to make your heart hard towards the people around you, to put up a wall to protect yourself and your family, and expect people to hurt you. You can’t do that. Yes, you should have wisdom, but when your heart gets hard, you must deal with that. On my way to church each Sunday morning, one of my prayers is, “God, give me your love for this church. Help me to see everyone through your eyes.”

Friendships and ministry are not impossible; they take effort. The same applies to adults, as adult friendships are difficult to navigate. The realities of church and ministry make friendships for pastors and their families unique. That is something to be aware of and learn from so that you can last in ministry because friendships are crucial to being healthy in ministry and finishing well. 

Should Women Lead & Teach in a Church?

Sunday, we continued our series at Community Covenant on 1 Timothy and unpacked 1 Timothy 2:8 – 15. If you’d like to watch it, you can do so here

One of the reasons I love preaching through books of the Bible is that it keeps us from going to a passage in a vacuum. Paul didn’t just write these verses to Timothy; he wrote them in the context of a letter to a church, wrestling with specific issues. Those issues, as Paul lays out in the first seven verses of the letter, are about protecting the church from false teaching. He doesn’t immediately identify the false teaching or the false teachers (he does that later in the letter), but that topic shapes how we read these verses. 

The role of men and women in the church and the home has been debated for centuries, and as I said on Sunday, it has caused a lot of confusion, hurt, and pain. Leading up to the sermon, I heard countless stories from women in our church and other female church leaders about the hurt they experienced because of how the verses of Paul have been interpreted in some circles. For some of us, these are simply verses; for others, these are personal verses with stories and conversations attached to them. 

I say that because if the goal of a church is to build each other up and help everyone to flourish, we must be aware of how each of us comes to a text. I heard this repeatedly while in seminary: none of us come to a text with a clean slate; we all bring something to every passage we read. So, as I said on Sunday, and as you continue to process this and future sermons, we need to be honest about the lens we bring: what does our background ingrain in us, what do we hope the text says, what do we hope the text doesn’t say, how does being a male or a female affect how we read a text, how does our educational level or skin color affect how we read a text. All of these matter because they shape what we see. To be clear, that doesn’t mean we are wrong in our interpretations, but we need to be humble as we listen to people who see something differently and not brush it off. I imagine Paul ran into much of that in his travels in the first century the further he got from Jerusalem. 

The other thing we need to be aware of is where we place when it comes to our theological beliefs. Gerry Breshears has a helpful grid, which I shared on Sunday

  • Beliefs we die for. 
  • Beliefs we divide for. 
  • Beliefs we debate for. 
  • Beliefs we decide for. 

Beliefs we “die for” are things like the authority of scripture, the virgin birth of Jesus, the resurrection of Jesus, that salvation is by grace alone, through faith alone, and there’s only one way to God. There are other things on that list, but that gives you an idea. 

Beliefs we “divide for” are beliefs that would cause us to leave a church or start attending a church. They are strongly held beliefs, but we don’t die for them, but we hold them strongly. Each of us has these beliefs. Some churches place the question of men and women in this category. We, as a church, do not. We place it in the next one. 

Next is the beliefs we “debate for.” These are beliefs we hold, even strongly, but they are debated throughout church history, and so we hold them loosely, linking arms with brothers and sisters in Christ who disagree with us. We will even attend churches we disagree with as long as they are in this category. 

There was a time when I held a different view on this question and was in the complementarian camp, and I would’ve put this belief in the divide for category. So would the church planting network we planted in 2008. I’ll share later more about my journey and the shift that has happened over the years. But my point right now in sharing that is we can shift our thoughts on things, and the Spirit of God does change us as we mature. 

As promised, for those who want to go deeper, answer your burning questions, or even learn where I got a lot of the information I shared on Sunday, here you go. This isn’t exhaustive in any way, as there are scores of books, talks, and podcasts on the subject, but this will at least get you started. 

Preston Sprinkle has a helpful podcast called Theology in the Raw, and he has many guests with doctorate degrees, diving into a lot of textual and historical issues around this topic. Here are a few episodes to get you started: 

Recently, Tyler Staton, the lead pastor of Bridgetown Church, gave a helpful lecture series on women in leadership, particularly around eldership, which we’ll unpack this coming Sunday as we look at 1 Timothy 3:1 – 13. You can watch those talks here and here

Here are a few books I’d recommend checking out:

No matter where you land on this question, there are 3 questions I ended with on Sunday that I think are important for us to wrestle with: 

  • How do we honor each other?
  • How do we encourage the full use of spiritual gifts that God has given to each person, male and female, so the body of Christ, the church, is built up?
  • How do we ensure that each person, male and female, flourishes?

The Three Groups in Your Church

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

Leaders inevitably make changes and lead to new places.

What can be disorienting for pastors and leaders is how people respond. Each time I’ve made a change, the person who got upset, sent an angry email or left the church always surprised me. Yes, sometimes the people made sense because of what I knew of them or the change we were making, but someone always surprised me.

As I thought about it, you need to understand the dynamics of change and how people fit into those dynamics.

Often, when a change is brought about, you will hear people talk about early adopters, late adopters, and everyone in between. But there are other dynamics at play in a church setting. And, just because you are an early adopter of one change or idea doesn’t mean you are an early adopter of everything. You might be, but that isn’t always the case.

As you think about any change or decision, you must consider the different groups you are communicating with. While there are more than the 3 below, I think these are the biggest ones:

People who want to keep the status quo. The status quo could be anything, but it is often to keep things as they are. The reason is that maybe they are tired of changes and transitions if there has been a lot at the church or in their life. They might think I don’t have the energy for something new, to learn something new.

They might also wonder who gets hurt in the change or who might not go along. They will often want to keep everyone happy and together, even if that means the church doesn’t move forward (whatever that might mean).

Their heart is for people. But what can happen in this group is that you are for the people already there, which isn’t bad. But it is the blind spot you have to be aware of. One change I made years ago was when someone told me honestly, “I don’t think we should make this change to reach people; people should just do what we do and like it.” And that is a real feeling.

As a pastor, you will feel this as well at different moments. When a younger leader suggests something, you think, “Do I want to learn how to do this?” I know many pastors felt this about preaching to a camera during COVID-19. Do I want to learn something new? How do I hold an iPhone for a reel, and what is a reel?!

When we feel this, we often say that we don’t have the energy for something new; we don’t want anyone to leave or get hurt because of this change.

As with all responses to change, the answer isn’t wrong, but as a pastor, you must be aware of how you speak to this group.

People who want to return to the glory days, real or imagined. Memories are powerful, whether those memories are in our personal lives or our churches. When you are parenting teenagers and see a photo of your toddler, you long for those easier days, even though those days were filled with tantrums and sleepless nights. But you only remember the cuddly moments as you look at your gangly teenager.

The same is true in our churches. The further we get from a season of ministry, the more we romanticize the past and only remember the high moments. As you change, people will feel a pull to what was before. And you can’t compete with their memories.

The call for the good old days will often happen in a declining church. People will start to reminisce and say, “If we did what we did before, maybe it will work again.” There is also a pull for this group to keep doing things they or those they care about started. This is similar to the status quo in that it is hard to learn new things, try new things, or quit doing things that work differently than they used to. 

Pastors can feel this, too, as culture shifts and they learn new preaching or worship styles. The old days or the glory days are comfortable. 

But, instead of recreating the good old days, let’s celebrate them. Let’s thank God for what He did in that season and through that ministry or people. But, then, move forward. I often wonder if this group would feel more on board if they felt like the leaders celebrated the good old days and acknowledged the prayers and effort that went into them. 

People who want to bring change. With every change and new idea that comes up, you will have people who are ready to do it. As I said before, just because someone wants a new idea doesn’t mean they will be excited about every new idea. 

This group will jump on board, often from the very beginning. They will be your earliest cheerleaders and most prominent supporters of your change. This can be encouraging and good. But you also need to be careful not to jump too far ahead of the other two groups because you will find some wisdom that you need to be aware of within those groups. You might need to move more quickly or make the right decision. 

Here is what is essential to consider as a pastor: Often, people can switch which group they are in depending on the decision, and people are often unaware of which group they are in.

In one situation, someone may be staunchly against an idea, but then in another situation, they are the first ones to sign up. Yes, personality plays into this, but even the early adopters can find themselves wanting to hold on to the status quo of something. 

People (including the leader) are also often unaware if they are trying to keep the status quo or return to the good old days. We constantly work from what we think is best for the church, ourselves, and those around us. It usually takes a crisis or an outside perspective to help us see what we are blind to. 

How to Handle Tension at Church

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You will have a season of tension or crisis at some point in your leadership or church life.

This might happen because of something you do, a decision, or a change you lead. It might happen because of what is happening outside the church in the culture, politics, or within the local school system. The tension may come from a staff transition or sin within the leadership that affects everyone. The tension may come from disagreements between the staff and leadership over a decision. Everyone is taking sides, sending texts and emails and posting on social media about which side they are taking up.

You walk through the corridors of your church, and you can feel it. Everyone can.

You stand on stage and feel the daggers coming at you, and you struggle to preach to your people and to lead them lovingly.

What do you do in those seasons? How do you lead, keep your integrity, and hold the unity of your church?

Protect your heart (and that of your spouse and kids). As losses pile up in leadership, it is hard to protect your heart. It is easy to see people as the enemy instead of the devil. But the people around you, especially those upset with you or “taking the other side,” are not the enemy. They might make you into the enemy, but don’t let that creep into your heart.

This becomes even harder to do with your spouse and kids. They will feel for you and want to protect you; people might be talking to them to get to you, or they may hear what is being said about you. This places them in particularly difficult crosshairs.

You must know how you talk about the tension and the people involved. It will be easy to unload on your spouse and kids to share things you shouldn’t share with them, especially if you feel alone. Be aware of what you share. Yes, you need someone to share this with, walk with you, and point out your sins and blindspots, but you also need to be aware of how you speak of others.

Years ago, in a counseling class I took in seminary, the professor made this comment that has always stuck with me: When a relationship is out of control in someone’s life (boss, spouse, child, parent, etc.), or something else is out of their control that is a big part of their life (job, finances, health), they will take their anger, stress and anxiety out on the next closest authority figure and that tends to be the church and the pastor. 

What is difficult to remember is that the anger and tension directed at you as the leader often has very little to do with you as the leader.

Whenever someone leaves a ministry I’m a part of, I try to meet with them to hear about their experience, what I can learn, etc. At that meeting, more than half tended to be about something else in their life that had nothing to do with me or the church. That doesn’t mean they aren’t upset, but this comment has proven to be true in my life for over 15 years.

Prepare yourself and those around you for losses. While I would love everyone to love every change I ever made as a pastor, that just isn’t possible. Change is different. Change means loss. Change means that what you used to be no longer exists.

When changes are made, when decisions are made, losses happen. When you cut a program or ministry and let a staff member go (for whatever reason), people will be upset and leave. People will direct their anger at you. That is part of being a leader, so you must be prepared. 

What is hard about leading is the relational loss that happens. The people you thought would be excited for the change were those who used to be there but weren’t. The people who got tired from transition fatigue (which is real) went to another church. These losses will stack up for you and those around you. Your staff and elders will feel it. I remember an elder saying to me once, “I’m just not sure I can do another transition.” Not because he didn’t believe in the change or what we were doing, but simply on a human level. 

Your spouse and kids will feel these losses in acute ways. They will wonder why that person is no longer there, why their friends don’t attend church anymore, or why they won’t talk to them because of a change you, their parents, made. And that will be hard for your child to understand and for you to navigate. So prepare yourself.

Keep your integrity. You will be tempted to treat people the way they are treating you. Remember, they are acting out of hurt and anger. It is okay to be angry, but don’t sin.

Keep your integrity. Don’t fall into sin. 

This means you must figure out how to handle your hurt and emotions. You will need someone to talk with who can listen, be supportive, point out blind spots, etc. 

Just because someone lies to or about you doesn’t mean you should return the favor, just because you are treated horribly by people doesn’t give you a reason to do that. 

Yes, people will lie to you and about you. People will act immaturely. The people who will treat you the worst will surprise you. So be prepared for that.

Walk through the lobby with your head held high. As a leader, making decisions people don’t like creates tension in your church; people are watching how you will respond and what you will do and say. You will feel their stares and see people whispering to each other in the corner while stealing glances at you.

You will want to walk over and talk to them; you will feel embarrassment, hurt, and frustration as you walk through your church. This is all natural. But walk through your church and hold your head high. They are not your enemies but the people you are called to lead and shepherd. You must stay true to what God has called you to, even if everyone doesn’t understand or go with you.

Say what needs to be said publicly and nothing more. You will be tempted to preach a sermon series on what is happening, to pulpit shame people, but don’t. This is hard, especially if you are justice-minded and like to win. For one, the sermon isn’t for that; the sermon is for good news and hope. Two, the people you want to preach at or to aren’t listening, damaging your church and your integrity.

You don’t need to speak to everything publicly; you don’t need to refute every rumor or lie. You need to speak to some things, but for most things, you need to let go. It will fizzle out.  Eventually, the people who are upset will leave, and you will be able to move forward to what is next. 

Seasons of difficulty and tension are unavoidable in leadership. They will happen. There can be times when you grow as a leader and take your church to new places. But, they can also be seasons that take many leaders off course or out of the leadership game if you aren’t careful. 

Navigate them wisely so that you can lead not only in the season of tension but in the one that comes after (which will hopefully be a season of health and unity).