Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Katie and I often get asked how to improve a marriage, survive a hard season, or take your marriage to the next level so that it lasts until “death do us part.”

Here’s a list I put together of 12 ways to improve your marriage (in no particular order):

Deal with all your story. Everyone has a story, a past, and the scars from life. We each bring that into a marriage; some couples work through as much as possible as fast as possible, while others don’t. When a couple has been married for 2 – 3 years, you can tell if they have started to work on their baggage.

Understand your roles and live in them. Too many couples think they can have a roleless marriage, which will work. As a couple, you need to know who is leading and how that is playing out. Who handles the finances, the calendar, vacations, date nights, etc. A lot of that is based on personality, season of life, and job situation, but you need to have regular conversations about how this is working or not working and have some plan. 

Be intimate, a lot. It’s no coincidence that in every marriage book, every couple who says they are happy all say they are intimate a lot. 1 in 5 couples has what is called a sexless marriage (less than 10 times a year). The average for a married couple is 1 – 2 times every 10 days. Wonder why couples aren’t happy? Those stats are a place to start. Intimacy isn’t the same thing as sex, but it is deeply connected for couples. 

Yes, there are seasons when intimacy is difficult or impossible as a couple, but talk through those. Also, if you find yourself pulling away from each other for any reason, talk about it. There is usually a reason that might unlock new levels of intimacy in your marriage. 

Date night. I’m stunned at the number of couples who do not have a regularly scheduled date night. The bottom line is that you need a date night every week. Protect it with your life, make it a priority, and make it happen. These moments are essential to your relationship and help keep you close as a couple. Try some of these questions if you are unsure what to discuss. 

Your relationship is more important than any other relationship (except God). Too many couples make their jobs, parents, friends, and kids more important than their marriages. Guess what? A day is coming when it will just be you and your spouse. Make that relationship the most important.

Pray together every day. This is a great way to connect, especially after a long day. It is a great way to thank your spouse for things out loud. This is especially good if you had a long day or a huge fight at night. This is something EVERY couple should do every day. Bring before God your relationship, your family, health, career, and anything else that is weighing you down. 

Play together. This might be more of a man’s need, but do fun things together. If you are both into football, go to a game. Go shopping. Play golf or tennis. Run together. Do something fun that is just the two of you. It doesn’t matter if you don’t like the other person’s hobby, go along. 

Find a mentor. Every couple should have a mentor. Since our engagement, we have had other couples speaking into our marriage. They have helped us get to where we are right now. Always be on the lookout for a couple ahead of you with whom you can spend time. 

We are asking, “Do we want the relationship this couple has?” Because if you spend time with someone and take their advice, you will get a lot of what they have, so choose wisely. 

Put the other person first. One thing marriage brings out is how selfish we are. The scriptures all talk about serving each other. If you aim to outserve the other person, you will win at marriage.

Decide that you will stay married even if it kills you (and it probably will). This may sound obvious, but even though couples don’t get married and plan to divorce, many are willing to call it quits quickly. If you are going to work through all your junk (see #1), you will need the confidence that no matter what, this thing will make it to the end. If you decide to stay married, even if it kills you, you can do anything and get through anything. It will be challenging, but choosing this will go a long way.

No secrets. The number of couples who keep secrets from their spouses is incredible to me. I have had men tell me something and then say, “Don’t tell my wife.” Uh, if you don’t, I will. Secrets destroy any relationship. 

Stay pure. This is not just for men. This is not just a physical thing. It is an all-encompassing thing. Are you physically, emotionally, spiritually, relationally, or mentally attached to someone you are not married to? Your spouse is the person who should meet these needs more than any other person.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Relationships are hard work. 

We don’t want to admit it. In our culture, something must be wrong if a relationship is difficult or takes work. Usually, it just means it is a relationship, a friendship, or a marriage. 

Many of our relationship difficulties come not from the other person but from us not reconciling our past and what no longer works in our lives and relationships. 

Almost all marriage and relationship problems go back to communication. One person is not saying what they want/need or the other person is not listening.

Neil Strauss said, “Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.”

What is saddest to watch, and I do this too, is we are content for a relationship to fall apart or not be what it could be instead of saying what we want or need. We settle for less. 

Dr. John Gottman says four things destroy relationships in his excellent book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. He calls them The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse. As I walk through these, listen to which one is your go-to move in relationships, because you have one.

Criticism. A complaint and criticism are different.

A complaint is, “I’m frustrated you didn’t put away your clothes last night.” A criticism is, “Why are you so forgetful? I hate having to pick up after you all the time. You just don’t care.”

Two words go with criticism: always and never. You always. You never.

Or by asking, “What is wrong with you? Why can’t you remember anything? Why can’t I count on you? Why are you always so selfish? What is wrong with you? What is your problem?”

When we criticize a child, spouse, or friend, we demean them and elevate ourselves.

This also brings shame into the relationship, which is a powerful tool in relationships.

Contempt. The second horseman comes right after criticism and is contempt.

This sense of superiority over the other person comes through as a form of disrespect.

This will show up in cynicism, sarcasm, mocking, eye rolls.

This shows up regarding time management, parenting skills, in-laws, handling money, and almost any skill someone thinks they’re better than the other.

According to Gottman, “Studies show this doesn’t just destroy your relationship, but couples that are contemptuous towards each other are more likely to get sick.”

Defensiveness. Defensiveness is a way of blaming your spouse, child, or co-worker.

It says, “The problem isn’t me; it’s you.”

Things you’ll say are: “Why are you picking on me? Everyone is against me! What about all the good things I do? You never appreciate me. There’s no pleasing you.”

Defensiveness keeps you from dealing with whatever is happening in the relationship. As long as the problem is “out there” or “someone else’s fault,” you don’t have to do anything about it (or at least that’s what we think.)

This will often show up as a child begins to process their childhood with a parent. Or when a child starts to push boundaries and tries to have independence.

Stonewalling. This one is powerful in relationships, but not in a good way.

This is when you disengage. You ignore. You walk out of the room while the other person is talking. You don’t respond in a conversation; you are silent.

Stonewalling communicates that you couldn’t care less about the relationship or situation.

Stonewalling is a power move.

While men and women stonewall, studies show men more often do this.

I think for several reasons, but one is that they saw it done growing up, and men are afraid of engaging emotions in relationships.

I’ve learned in our marriage that if I want to hurt Katie deeply, I need to walk out of the room during an argument.

Do you know what they all have in common? This is important and easy to miss.

They are moves to protect ourselves in relationships. They are power moves to get what we want. But they are also how we seek to belong and find intimacy in unhealthy ways.

In all relationships, we look for safety. Somewhere in our childhood, we learned that these can protect us and make us safe. And the truth is, they probably have made you safe in relationships until they don’t.

Here’s what I’d encourage you to do:

Which one is your move in relationships? Each of us falls into using criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling in relationships. Sometimes, we use all 4!

But there is one you probably use more than the other 3. 

Where did that come from in your childhood? Now comes some of the hard part, looking back. Where did that move show up in your relationships as a child? Did you use it then? Did a parent or someone close to you? We learned how to be safe in childhood and continued that into adulthood. It may be how your family communicated or worked in childhood. 

How did that serve you in your childhood? This idea came out of Chuck DeGroat’s book Healing What’s Within. We must acknowledge how criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling serve and protect us earlier in life. Part of moving forward to healthier places is accepting what has happened. This doesn’t mean you are saying what happened is okay or healthy, but accepting what you can’t change in the past is crucial to moving forward. 

In what ways is it no longer serving you? After seeing where the horseman in your relationship came from and how it served you, we need to look at how it is no longer serving you. In reality, your move to criticize, contempt, get defensive, or stonewall is doing the opposite of what you want. And while it may give you a sense of control, it pushes those you love the most away from you. It is getting in the way of your most important relationships.