Category Archives: Healthy Relationships

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The Power of Sex, Love and Intimacy in our Lives

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Photo by Jez Timms on Unsplash

As we’ve been going through this series, we’ve repeatedly seen the power of intimacy and our longing to be known, loved, and cared for, so much so that we will go to great lengths to experience this in relationships. 

We will go to great lengths to be known, loved, and cared for.

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The reason is simple: we were created to be known, loved, and cared for. 

Yet, because of Genesis 3 and the brokenness of the world around us and inside us, many of our attempts to be known, loved, and cared for have led to some of our deepest regrets. 

Many of our attempts to be known, loved, and cared for have led to some of our deepest regrets.

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Many times in our lives, we underestimate the power of sexuality, ours, and those around us. We underestimate our desires, longings, addictions, and past sexual histories.

When you read Scripture, you see that we are created for relationships, for intimacy. We are created for knowing, and we long for that. Yet, our culture has connected sex, love, and intimacy and made it a big mess.

You can be intimate with someone without having sex. You can have sex with someone without being intimate.

Sex, love, and intimacy aren’t the same things.

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This confusion has led many to seek intimacy in places we can’t find.

This confusion comes from a couple of places. Culture, friends, our family of origin and how they navigated the topic of sex, porn, movies, and even the church. 

On Sunday, I shared 7 lies that we often believe about sex and intimacy. Here are a few of them: 

Our culture tells us that sex is just physical. On the surface, this sounds right. But deep down, we know that sex is more than just physical. We know that something more is going on.

This is why we struggle to tell our spouse about our sexual past and how many people we’ve slept with; we struggle to let go of the shame of abortion, sexual abuse, or addiction. 

This is why whenever I meet with someone and they ask me, “Can I tell you something I’ve never told anyone?” almost 100% of the time, it is sexual.

Because sex is never just physical; there is something deeper happening within our souls when it comes to our sexuality and longings. 

Pastor Tim Keller talks about this when he points out what Paul was talking about in 1 Corinthians 6:18: Why would Paul instruct his Christian audience to “flee” from immorality? Here’s why: All other sins a person commits . . . Sexual sin is like no other sin. Paul puts sexual sin in a category all by itself. “All other sins . . .” Here’s the second part: All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.

One of the lies the church tells us about sex is if you wait until you are married to have sex, God will reward you with mind-blowing sex and a magical wedding night.

I was told this again and again as a student in church. This was the message for every true love waits event, every purity ring event. It is well intended. But connected to this is another lie, and that is, when you get married, you will be able to fully express yourself sexually without guilt and shame.

Why talk about lies and what influences us?

We often underestimate the power of the stories we carry. We rarely step back and ask if what we’ve been told and what we believe is true or not. 

To experience the full scope of what God desires for us when it comes to our sexuality, we have to look at the impact of what we carry and have experienced. Only then can we bring those things before the throne of Jesus and find forgiveness and freedom. 

We see the couple in Song of Songs 4 experience this complete freedom in their relationship. They are completely safe with each other and don’t hold back in their relationship. They exemplify what Daniel Akin says about marriage, “A Christ-centered marriage always has two givers. There is not a giver and a taker or two takers. The husband gives himself without reserve to his wife. She, in return, is set free to give herself without reservation or hesitation. This is the beauty and glory of a redeemed, Christ-centered marriage.”

What might this look like practically? Here are some thoughts: 

Face your story. What have you walked through relationally and sexually? You should connect with a counselor to help you unpack the layers of this and its impact on your life and relationships. 

Protect yourself and your marriage or future marriage. If you are single, protect your heart, mind, and body. Save yourself for your spouse. I’ve never met someone who regretted protecting themselves before marriage, but I’ve met many people who wish they had.

Couples, protect your marriage, protect your eyes, serve each other.

Compliment each other often.

Pursue each other. Be playful and flirting, no matter what age you are. 

Think about how to be attractive to your spouse. This is not just about a wife being attractive; dress in ways that entice your spouse and say, “I’ve thought of you by putting this on.” This means trying. You should go through your drawers regularly and get rid of clothes the other doesn’t like or that don’t fit anymore or smell a little bit. 

Instead of pulling away, risk the difficult conversation. Drifting in relationships doesn’t take any effort. But when we drift, there is always a reason we are pulling away, and so we need to ask, “Why? What is going on?”

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6 Ways to Make Your Marriage Refreshing

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All married couples long for their marriage to be refreshing. To be a place of safety, comfort, love, and peace. Yet, many couples do things that break this environment or, at the least, keep this from being what their marriage is all about.

They might not do it intentionally. Sometimes, we sabotage things that feel too good to be true.

There is a beautiful picture of what a marriage should be like in Song of Solomon 1:14. The woman compares their relationship to En Gedi. En Gedi is an oasis in the desert near the Dead Sea. Out of nowhere, this oasis springs up with lush trees, plants, water, and even a waterfall.

Yet, this is not what most relationships and marriages are like. Most marriages are filled with stress, pain, nagging, hurtful words, anger, outbursts, and even abuse.

It doesn’t have to be this way, and couples don’t get married to live in the desert; they get married hoping for the oasis. But how do you make the trip?

6 Ways to Make your Marriage Refreshing.

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Here are six simple ways to get there:

1. Stop nagging. Many couples nag at each other, put each other down, get on each other’s cases, and are mean to each other. This creates an environment no one wants to be in, a family working against itself. This isn’t rocket science, yet many couples nag and make fun of each other to accomplish something. When a couple does this, they will say that they are trying to get something done (a project, their spouse to change, wake their spouse up), but what is happening is pushing them away. Every time nagging occurs in a relationship, it comes from a place of brokenness. Sometimes, nagging comes from a place of disappointment, either in yourself, your spouse, or even where you thought your life and marriage would be at this point. Sometimes, you must grieve that things aren’t going as expected and learn to move forward, but that’s another post.

Nagging in relationships comes from a place of brokenness.

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2. Start talking. One of the best ways to make your marriage refreshing is talking. Opening up to your hopes, dreams, and disappointments, and sharing your past, your hurts, and your joys. Many couples who are in marriages that are not refreshing find themselves keeping things bottled up or opening up more to someone they aren’t married to than they do to their spouse. Your spouse should know more about you than anyone else. Always.

3. Start serving. If you look at couples in refreshing marriages, an oasis in the desert, you will see two people striving to outserve the other. One simple question to ask your spouse is, “What can I do to make your life easier or less stressful? How can I help you?” I asked Katie about this years ago, and her answer surprised me. She said, “Make sure the kitchen is clean before bed.” That wasn’t what I expected, but if that didn’t happen, we all got up the next day and felt behind or maybe had to finish cleaning something up that could’ve been done the night before. Here are a few other questions to ask your spouse regularly to work as one.

Happy marriage secret: Outserve your spouse.

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4. Start pursuing. What made you want to get married was pursuit. You did things together, couldn’t wait to see each other, and planned date nights and trips. You pursued your future spouse, which is one reason they became your current spouse. Along the way, the pursuit ended. Pursuing your spouse is one of the fastest ways to create a refreshing marriage. Plan date nights (they don’t have to be expensive), do things the other one likes (even if you hate it), participate in hobbies together (even if you don’t like the hobby), and lastly, pursue each other sexually. Husband and wife should initiate affection and sex regularly. As I discussed earlier in this series, long kisses are essential to any marriage.

1 thing every married couple needs to stop and 5 things you need to start.

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5. Start believing. Couples who have a refreshing marriage believe in each other. They believe in the best, hope for the best, believe in their spouse’s dreams, and encourage them to pursue them. A refreshing marriage is one where you never have to say, “Don’t you want to have? Don’t you want me to pursue my dreams?” A marriage stuck in the desert has those conversations. Remember, #3? This comes from a place of serving, and when you’re serving, you are willing to put your dreams on hold, if necessary, instead of fighting for them.

6. Start setting up. A refreshing marriage is one where spouses try to help the other succeed. They ask, “How can I set my spouse up for success? How can I make them look good to others? How can I help them reach their goals?” A desert couple says, “What about me and my dreams? Who’s setting me up?” A desert couple doesn’t fight for oneness but for themselves.

An unhappy couple doesn’t fight for oneness but for themselves.

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The reality is that even though every couple wants a marriage in the oasis, we will often choose the desert. It is what we know; it is easier, less work, and honestly, the desert allows us to be selfish.

Don’t buy it, though. No one lives very long in the desert.

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Learning to Dream Again

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Photo by Randy Tarampi on Unsplash

Recently, I had several (separate) conversations with guys my age where I talked about some of the dreams Katie and I have and some of the prayers we are praying about our future. As our kids continue to grow, we are asking God how to launch them best, what pastoral ministry as empty nesters look like, and for him to give us clarity about pastoral ministry in our 50s and beyond.

Why?

So much life is ahead of us; we don’t want to miss all God has for us. What you do today and your decisions impact where you are in a decade or two.

When I shared this, they responded, “I can’t remember the last time I dreamed.”

It is easy to dream in your teens and 20s but harder in your 40s and 50s.

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It makes sense. Life is busy and hard as we age. Cynicism starts to creep in, and we begin to think, “This is all there is.” 

I talk to many people in midlife who feel stuck or like their life has grown stale. Some of it is because of past decisions, but we often stop believing that God has things for us in the future. We start to think our best days are behind us. 

Why do we feel this way? Many of us are tired. We have less energy as we age, and it is hard to push ourselves. We have tried many things that didn’t work or go as planned, so there is a sense that we shouldn’t get our hopes up. 

Too often, though, people in midlife quit things. They quit relationships, marriages, careers, or faith because of their lack of direction, growing frustrations, or something else they can’t name. 

What if you took an afternoon and dreamed? What if you asked your spouse if all our prayers got answered, what would life look like in five years? Ten or twenty years from now? 

What if you asked your spouse if all our prayers got answered, what does life look like in 5 years? 10 or 20 years from now?

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As I write this, our youngest will be twelve this summer. In 4 years, our four oldest kids will be out of high school. That is a very different stage of life than where I sit today with multiple kids in high school. Life, relationships, and pastoral ministry will differ greatly for us in 4 years from this simple fact.

But too many of us wake up one day and realize that life happened to us.

Too many of us wake up one day and realize that life happened to us.

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Here are some things that will be different: my schedule will be different in four years. Lord willing, I will have finished my doctorate by then. I will be four years older and have four more years of wisdom than I lack today. My physical life will be different because I will be closer to 50.

All this became even clearer to me several years ago when I spent a summer talking to pastors nearing retirement and asking them about wisdom, things they learned, and things they wish they would’ve done differently. They all said, “If you don’t plan financially, spiritually, physically, mentally, relationally, and emotionally for your future, you will miss all God has for you.”

Many of us only think about the physical or financial side of our future.

As more and more studies are done on life stages, our 50s, 60s, and 70s can be our most productive decades for God. And yet, many pastors and Christians seem to think that it is over once you are past 40.

As more and more studies are done on life stages, our 50s, 60s, and 70s can be our most productive decades for God. And yet, many pastors and Christians seem to think that it is over once you are past 40.

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My hope for you and me is that our best days are ahead of us, whatever those best days may be for you. 

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5 Questions to Ask to Forgive and Let Go So You can Move Forward

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Photo by Alex Shute on Unsplash

Forgiveness is one of the hardest things to do when you have been wronged.

But within our culture and churches, there is a lot of confusion about forgiveness, the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation, and the difference between forgiveness and trust.

In Luke 17, Jesus is talking to his disciples about this very thing, and in it, he raises some important questions we have to deal with: He said to his disciples, “Offenses will certainly come, but woe to the one through whom they come! It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were thrown into the sea than for him to cause one of these little ones to stumble. Be on your guard. If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times in a day, and comes back to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.”

One of the things that gets in our way of forgiveness and experiencing the freedom that comes from forgiveness is our hearts and inability to forgive and let go.

In this passage, Jesus gives us a few questions to pause and ask the next time an offense happens.

5 Questions to ask about forgiveness.

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Did they sin against me, or did I not like it? This is a phrase Jesus uses often, “If your brother sins against you…” Just wants us to stop and ask, did they sin against me? This is the first question we must ask ourselves about forgiveness and reconciliation.

Many times, if we are honest, that person did not sin against us or God; they just did something we didn’t like. Our preferences and desires are not laws of the universe, as much as we think they should be.

Now, that doesn’t mean you don’t say anything. It might be worth a conversation. But it does change how we view it.

Can I overlook this? Proverbs 19:11 says it is “a virtue to overlook an offense.”

This means not everything offensive is worth a conversation. There are some that you should say, “I’m choosing to overlook that.”

Now, what that is for you and me might be different. But we need to ask the question at least.

5 things that help us to forgive and let go of our hurt.

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What is happening in me? Jesus says to be on your guard. In other translations, it says, “Watch yourself.” Why? When someone sins against us, we need to ask what is happening in us. Why are we so bothered by that? What button did they push in me?

Often, when an offense comes, there is a lesson for us to learn.

Many times, the reason we find something offensive or are bothered by something is because it connects to something in our past. 

How do you know? Does your reaction match the situation? Ruth Haley Barton said, “The more volatile and out of control our responses are, the more we can be sure that we are reacting out of old adaptive patterns rather than God-graced, Spirit-filled responses.”

When we are upset or frustrated or hurt, it is an opportunity for us to look at what is happening in us.

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What if they repent? We have to be honest about one reason we don’t go to people who sin against us: we don’t want them to repent.

If they repent, then I have to forgive them. You’re supposed to forgive them regardless, but I have a different thing to face if they repent. Many people don’t bring up their hurt with the other person because if they apologize and seek reconciliation, now I have to face the music and move forward. If I stay put, I can stay mad and not move forward. It gets to stay their fault. 

But it isn’t just around repentance that can trip us up now. We aren’t sure what a healthy relationship would look like with someone who has hurt us or someone we have a dysfunctional relationship with. 

For example, if you have a broken relationship with your child, parent, spouse, or friend. You know what that looks like. You can navigate their silence, insults, or mean words, lashing out and slamming doors. You don’t know how to navigate the relationship when those aren’t present. What if that stops all of a sudden? You are in a new relationship with the same person, which can be disorienting. 

If that person who has sinned against you repents, you lose the upper hand you think you have. You lose the ability to sit in judgment of them like you are. I’m not saying those are good things you are doing, but we all do those things at different points.

What if they don’t repent? We do have to ask ourselves what we will do if they don’t repent. Jesus says, “If they repent, forgive…” Does that mean that our forgiveness is based on their apology? No. Our forgiveness is a choice we make, regardless of what they do. In his great book Forgive, Tim Keller said, “To forgive someone’s debt to you is to absorb the debt yourself. Forgiveness, then, is a form of voluntary suffering. In forgiving, you choose to bear the cost rather than retaliating.”

To forgive someone’s debt to you is to absorb the debt yourself. Forgiveness, then, is a form of voluntary suffering. In forgiving, rather than retaliating, you choose to bear the cost. -Tim Keller

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While repentance and reconciliation are always the goal in a broken relationship, that isn’t always possible. The other person may not repent or even be alive to repent. So forgiveness is not dependent on the other person. Reconciliation is, but not forgiveness. 

Forgiveness is a choice you make on your own. 

And often, when I’ve been deeply wounded, forgiveness will come before I feel like forgiving. 

I told a story on Sunday about a situation where I was wounded deeply. Katie and I, before we even had a conversation with the person who hurt us, started to pray for them. She started first, and then slowly, God softened my heart. 

5 questions Jesus wants us to ask about forgiveness.

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Praying for the person who has hurt me has a way of seeing them the way God does and softening my heart towards them. Now, that doesn’t mean that I am excusing what someone did. But it does help me to see them, myself, and God more clearly.

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Major Life Transitions and our Commitments

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Photo by Jeff Sheldon on Unsplash

I don’t know if you’ve noticed this in your life, but I have seen it play out in mine and countless others, and it is this: When we experience major life transitions, we reevaluate and rethink our commitments.

When we experience major life transitions, we reevaluate and rethink our commitments.

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You have seen this play out at your church if you’re a pastor.

Whenever we walk through a life transition: birth, death, divorce, retirement, becoming an empty nester, going to college or grad school, or moving, we also tend to pull away from community and church.

The latest data backs this up, pointing out that moving is the number one reason people leave church.

Let me be clear. I’m not saying this is right or wrong, only that it is real.

Maybe you had someone in your church who was highly involved, and then all their kids moved out of the house, and they stepped back from their community group and serving teams. Maybe someone retired who was a group leader is now taking a break.

This is natural, and I’m not bemoaning in any way, shape, or form. Just as we enter new life stages, we make changes.

One reason is that our lives have changed.

When you add a child to your family, your life is different. When you enter the teenage years or become an empty nester, your life has taken on new responsibilities and meaning.

It is a time to pull back and ask yourself some questions.

All that preamble leads to this post: Pastors need to be more aware of this as they bring people into leadership and how they navigate transitions. When we add someone or someone leaves one of our teams, we overlook what is happening in their personal lives or what is on the horizon in their personal lives. 

As leaders, we also need to be aware of the transitions we are walking through, will walk through, and prepare for those. We need to do the same for those we serve with.

This doesn’t mean you make major changes to your life whenever you go through life stage transitions, but it is also a normal part of life.

Over the last decade, I have seen this play out time and again with people in the church. Now, I am more aware of it. Are we putting someone into leadership who is about to have a life stage transition? I have conversations with people on my team about the transition they are walking through, what they need, how it affects them, and their role. 

There is very little we can do about this reality because it is real and an important part of life, leadership, and church involvement, but we must be aware of it as pastors. 

One surprising reason people stop attending church or change their serving patterns.

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Pastors Lose 5 – 7 Relationships a Year

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The other day, I saw a post from Brandon Cox that stopped me in my tracks. He said, “Most people will lose 5 to 7 significant relationships over the course of their lifetime, but pastors lose 5 to 7 significant relationships per year.”

As I thought about it, that has 100% been my experience. I reposted it and heard from countless pastors, PKs, and spouses who said, “This is real life in ministry.” One person said, “My relational world improved when I stepped out of ministry.” One said they had “recently lost 90% of their friendships…and so have our kids.”

What is it about ministry that makes relationships and friendships difficult? Are they different from other jobs or spheres of life? 

I think ministry makes friendships difficult because of how relational church is. One would think that this would be an advantage, and while it can lead to community forming quicker, it can also lead to heartache when someone leaves the church. 

Before sharing thoughts on what to do about and how to be in ministry regarding friends, why do relationships end or become difficult?

Why are relationships in ministry so hard?

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As I said, ministry is relational, which surprises people who aren’t in ministry to hear the above comments. Because of how relational ministry is, friendships can begin quickly if you meet the right person. You spend a few lunches or dinners together after church very quickly. 

But often, those relationships end when you no longer hold the church (or something else) in common.

Most friendships in life are about proximity and frequency. 

Most friendships in life are about proximity and frequency.

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This sounds mean to say, but it is a reality. You build friendships with the people you see regularly, and when that regular basis ends, the friendship often ends or becomes less significant. Parents experience this when they know someone on a child’s sports sideline, but the season ends. The same happens with work friends or other hobbies that bring you together. It doesn’t mean you don’t like that person, but the relationship also changes when the proximity and frequency change. 

What does this have to do with pastors and churches?

Many of the relationships that pastors and their families have are in the church. When that proximity and frequency changes with someone, the relationship changes. Pastors and their families have always experienced this, but it has become more pronounced in recent years. Why? Covid and politics are a big reason for many of these relational changes. Pastors saw countless people leave their churches in 2020 – 2022 because of restrictions and decisions that churches made or didn’t make. For me, it was mind-blowing to watch.

But people leave churches for other reasons. They stop attending as frequently because of life situations, whether that is work, hobbies, or kids’ sports. They move, which leads to leaving the church. They leave because the church is changing (usually centered on the lead pastor’s decision). Once, our family lost over a dozen friendships because of a change at our church. It is hard to explain and comprehend that in your heart and mind. One person commented on my post about losing 90% of their friendships in a season of ministry. 

So, what do you do? How do you move forward as a pastor or if you’re married to one?

The first reality is what many pastors have done. They’ve left the full-time ministry. And this may be where you are, especially if you are struggling to keep a soft heart towards those in your church or even open yourself up to relationships. At the very least, consider a break of some kind. Having a soft heart and keeping an eye on how open I am to people is a gauge I’m constantly aware of. And this may be where you are permanently or for a season. Let me be the first to say I understand that and don’t begrudge you. While that’s a longer post, a person who steps out of pastoral ministry for any time shouldn’t feel guilty. 

But, there are some things to do to stay and move forward in ministry related to friendships. 

Navigating friendships and pastoral ministry.

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Prepare for losses. One of the things I was not prepared for entering ministry was the losses I would accumulate. This isn’t just related to friendships but includes them. People we have vacationed with, people we opened our hearts up to and shared deep and intimate things leaving you and stabbing you in the back, is incredibly difficult. Having staff members turn on you or your family is incredibly painful. Walking with couples through difficult seasons only to have them walk away from you and each other. 

You have to prepare for that. I wish it weren’t true, but it is part of leadership and ministry, especially regarding social media. 

You also have to prepare your spouse and kids for this reality. Because somewhere along the way, they will lose a friend because they are related to a pastor. And that is hard for them to understand, especially your kids. 

Is there another job where your kids can lose friends because of a decision you make or don’t make? I’m sure there are other jobs like that, but I’ve had a hard time figuring one out, which is one thing that makes pastoral ministry unique. 

As a pastor, you must prepare yourself and your family for losses.

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Grieve losses. But as losses stack up, you must grieve them, or you will carry them. This will take the work of a trusted friend or even a counselor. But you must have someone who can help you grieve the pain you accumulate in ministry and life. If you don’t, this will hinder your ministry, and you will make other people pay for the sins others have committed against you. You also need to help make space for your kids and spouse to grieve the losses they experience in their relational world related to the church. This becomes a bit easier if you move and are no longer at the church, but you will still carry losses even across state lines. 

Make friends inside and outside the church. When I entered the ministry, an older pastor told me I shouldn’t make friends in the church I was a part of because it was impossible. Many pastors have this idea. While I wouldn’t say it is impossible, I would say that making friends inside the church you are on staff at is important and necessary, but it also takes wisdom. 

As a pastor, you need to have a community in your church because relationships are about frequency and proximity, and that’s your church. It will also be very lonely for you as a pastor if you aren’t friends with people at your church or people you are on staff with. But you need wisdom about how those friendships go, what you share and don’t share. You have to be clear about relational lines, authority lines, etc. And that is where it gets difficult in a church setting. 

Pastoral friendships are important but take a lot of wisdom.

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It is also helpful to have friendships outside of your church. Other pastors know what you carry, your weight, and the difficulties you endure. People you can call and unload on, and they can unload on you. 

Keep your heart soft. It is easy in ministry to make your heart hard towards the people around you, to put up a wall to protect yourself and your family, and expect people to hurt you. You can’t do that. Yes, you should have wisdom, but when your heart gets hard, you must deal with that. On my way to church each Sunday morning, one of my prayers is, “God, give me your love for this church. Help me to see everyone through your eyes.”

My prayer each Sunday morning: “God, give me your love for this church. Help me to see everyone through your eyes.”

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Friendships and ministry are not impossible; they take effort. The same applies to adults, as adult friendships are difficult to navigate. The realities of church and ministry make friendships for pastors and their families unique. That is something to be aware of and learn from so that you can last in ministry because friendships are crucial to being healthy in ministry and finishing well. 

4 things to remember as a pastor when it comes to friendship and ministry.

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The First Question In Forgiveness and Reconciliation

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Photo by Alex Shute on Unsplash

At some point in your relationships, you will be hurt. Someone will say something that marks you; it might be a small thing or something that changes your relationship(s) forever. You might be the one who says something. Maybe you have already experienced this and wondered, how do I trust again? How do I forgive that person and move forward?

How do you forgive that person and move forward?

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Whenever this question or situation arises in Christian circles, we often read Matthew 18 and what Jesus says about reconciliation and hurt. Jesus says we must go to our brother or sister alone and tell them about their sin. If they don’t listen, take a friend along. If that doesn’t work, we must bring them before the church. This is challenging, and many times people skip this whole process and end the relationship, which is another blog post.

But, we skip an important part of this passage at the beginning. In verse 15, Jesus says, “If your brother sins against you.”

A question Jesus wants us to ask that we often skip over is: Did they sin against me or just annoy me?

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So, before confronting or bringing someone with us, we need to step back and ask, “Did this person sin against me?” Or did they do something I didn’t like?

I wonder if people often do things that we don’t like or irritate us. You can still go to that person to say, “When you did this or that,” or, “said this or that,” I didn’t like it. But one of the things we know from Proverbs, and a characteristic of a wise person, is the ability to let go of an insult or not be offended. 

Jesus wants us to pause during an emotional situation or a moment of frustration to take a breath and ask, “Have they sinned against me?”

Jesus wants us to pause during an emotional situation or a moment of frustration to take a breath and ask, “Have they sinned against me?

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Forgiveness, Letting Go and Figuring out How to Move Foward

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Photo by Alex Shute on Unsplash

Forgiveness is tough. In a sermon, giving forgiveness sounds so easy and clean. Yet, in real life, it is difficult and messy. Often, we forgive as much as we believe we are forgiven. Whenever we withhold forgiveness, we deny the power of the cross. Whenever we say, “I can’t forgive that person,” or, “I can’t let go of that situation”, we deny the power of the cross. We deny the power of what God redeemed us to do.

How to Forgive, Let Go & Deal with Hurt in Relationships.

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Before walking through giving forgiveness, let’s look at what forgiveness is not because many of us have the wrong idea about forgiveness. 

5 things forgiveness is not.

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Forgiveness is not the same thing as forgetting. Forgive and forget is not a reality. We will always remember. It is a part of our story and past. We will remember the room, the smell, the face, the words. 

Forgiveness does not always mean reconciling or trusting. Just because you forgive someone does not mean you have a relationship with them moving forward. Wisdom might require you to have boundaries. You can forgive them and release them, but the wisdom may tell you not to trust them. You can also reconcile with them and not trust them to the same degree you once did. 

Forgiveness does not mean excusing what happened. This goes with forgetting, but forgiveness does not mean you are excusing it or saying it’s no big deal. 

Forgiveness is not simple or easy. When the other person pushes you to forgive, they underestimate the impact of their words and actions. Forgiveness is complex and challenging. 

Forgiveness does not depend on the other person. You can forgive someone who hasn’t asked for forgiveness. They don’t need to apologize for you to forgive and let them go. Stop letting them take up real estate in your heart and mind.

5 myths about forgiveness.

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Forgiveness is letting go, canceling what is owed to you, and letting go of the control the offender has over you. It is giving up revenge; as we see in Romans 12:19, it leaves it in God’s hands.

As you walk through this door and grant forgiveness, here are a few things to keep in mind:

3 things to remember when you forgive.

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Forgiving someone does not mean pretending it didn’t happen. Forgiving does not mean forgetting, as the old saying goes. Those scars still exist. They are still there. Forgiving means acknowledging it happened and the pain associated with it. It is facing the hurt.

Giving forgiveness means bearing the other person’s sin. There is a cost to forgiveness. You must bear their sin. The cost of forgiveness is always on the person granting forgiveness. This is why forgiveness is so hard. C.S. Lewis said, “Forgiveness is a beautiful word until you have something to forgive.”

Forgiveness is possible because Jesus bore your sin and the cost of forgiveness. When we look at the cross, we see how Jesus bore our sins, knowing we would fail repeatedly. Yet, he forgave us. The power of this moment is what enables us to forgive the way Jesus did.

How to forgive, let go of your hurt and move forward in relationships.

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How to Know if You’re Dealing with an Evil Person

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One of the things that gets us in trouble in our relationships is that we respond to people the same. The reality is that our response to people depends on some things. The boundaries we have with one person aren’t the boundaries we should have with another person.

The book of Proverbs states that there are 3 kinds of people: Wise, foolish, and evil. How do we know what kind of person we are dealing with? It depends on their reaction to the truth.

We’ve already laid out how to know if you are a wise person or dealing with a wise person and how to know if you are a foolish person or dealing with a foolish person.

But how do you know if you are dealing with an evil person? They aren’t the same, and we must deal with them accordingly. 

Henry Cloud, in Necessary Endings said, “Evil people are not reasonable; they seek to destroy.” 

Evil people are not reasonable; they seek to destroy. -Henry Cloud

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Here’s how you know you are dealing with an evil person: 

  • They like to bring others down. 
  • They are intentionally divisive. 
  • They enjoy it when someone else fails. 
  • They try to create the downfall of others. 

Traits of an evil person.

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When dealing with an evil person, you must go into protection mode, not helping mode. 

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How to Know if You’re Dealing with a Foolish Person

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One of the things that gets us in trouble in our relationships is that we respond to people the same. The reality is that our response to people depends on some things. The boundaries we have with one person aren’t the boundaries we should have with another person.

The book of Proverbs states that there are 3 kinds of people: Wise, foolish, and evil. How do we know what kind of person we are dealing with? It depends on their reaction to the truth.

We laid out last week how to know if you are a wise person or dealing with a wise person. But how do you know if you are dealing with a foolish or evil person? They aren’t the same, and we must deal with them accordingly. 

What makes a person foolish? In Necessary Endings, Henry Cloud states, “The fool tries to adjust the truth so he does not have to adjust to it.”

The fool tries to adjust the truth so he does not have to adjust to it. -Henry Cloud

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What else makes a foolish person, so you know if you are one or if you are dealing with one? Cloud has some examples:

  • When given feedback, they are defensive and immediately come back at you with a reason why it isn’t their fault. 
  • When a mistake is pointed out, pass the blame. 
  • With a wise person, talking through issues strengthens the relationship. With a foolish person, it creates conflict, alienation, and a breach in the relationship.
  • They will minimize the impact of their actions. 
  • They will rationalize their actions. 
  • They never take ownership of their behavior or reactions, or actions. 
  • They see themselves as the victim. 

Traits of a foolish person.

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While a wise person seeks wisdom and feedback to make changes, a foolish person has little desire for change. 

So what do you do with a foolish person in a relationship? You need to stop talking about the problem and set limits and consequences. Often the foolish person isn’t suffering any consequences for their actions; the other people in the relationship are.