Category Archives: Healthy Relationships

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The Power of Sex and Our Longing for Intimacy

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Many times in our lives we underestimate the power of sexuality, ours and those around us. We underestimate our desires, longings, addictions and past sexual histories.

When you read Scripture, you see that we are created for relationships, for intimacy. We are created for knowing and we long for that. Yet, our culture has connected sex, love, and intimacy and made it a big mess.

You can be intimate with someone without having sex. You can have sex with someone without being intimate.

Sex, love, and intimacy aren’t the same things.

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This confusion has led many of us to look for intimacy in places we can’t find it.

We look for it in sexual relationships outside of marriage, affection from co-workers, emotional relationships outside of marriage and porn.

Often I’ll hear people say, “Believing sex outside of marriage is wrong is so prudish, so old-fashioned. Doesn’t everyone have sex before marriage, out of marriage, look at porn?” Here’s my question, “Has sex outside of marriage made your life better? Has looking at porn made your life and relationships richer? More meaningful? Deeper? Has cheating on your spouse made your life better? Less stressful?” The answer is no. But we think it will, so we do it.

Where it Begins

It is important to understand where this begins.

Why?

1 Thessalonians says: For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God.

We must understand as best as we can where our sexual desire got off track. For many of us, that got off track at a young age and in a painful memory.

Having sex as a teenager, being raped, abused, or molested. It was the discomfort we felt when friends pressured us to kiss someone, or struggling with same sex attraction and not being sure what it meant.

Too often in Christian circles we read verses like Matthew 5:27 – 30 on lust and adultery and look for ways to battle them, which is important, but we rarely understand where they came from.

Yet, if we don’t desire holiness and purity, if we don’t understand where things became broken, we won’t know what to fix or what we’re even trying to get to.

For me, this is facing what I learned about sex at a sleepover when I was 11, and the dad brought down a box filled with porn and said to us, “It’s about time you boys learn about this.” I need to look at what that taught me, how that shaped me and changed me. How has that impacted my way of relating to others over the last 27 years?

What is often the most painful about this looking back is we see what was taken from us.

Redemption and Sexuality

Many times we’ll struggle with this question: If God is in control, why didn’t he stop that? Why did he allow that first experience? This is a heart-wrenching question.

As a follower of Jesus, according to the New Testament, you are in Christ. You were in Christ before the foundation of the world. Ephesians 1 says that if you are saved, a follower of Jesus, redeemed, you were chosen before the foundations of the world, your eternity and hope were sealed before God created anything.

This means everything in our lives is ‘in Christ.’ Our joys and pains. All has been redeemed and is being made new. We only think about what we’re walking through right now, in the future or from the time that we became aware of Jesus. But there was a time before we were aware of Jesus that he was aware of us.

Being in Christ means that those painful moments, that abuse, pain, heartache, destruction, addiction, Jesus was not absent or somewhere else, but was with you. And, because he knows holiness, beauty and goodness, the way God intended things to be, he feels and knows your pain and my pain even deeper than we ever could, because he knows how it should be. This is what took him to the cross, to redeem and make new, that pain, that abuse, that destruction.

Being ‘in Christ’ means I have the power to battle all the sin I face and experience the life Jesus experiences with the Father.

I think it is interesting in Matthew 5 that Jesus puts anger/murder next to adultery/lust. Both destroy people, both rob people of life and joy.

What Jesus is pointing to is a greater righteousness and hope.

Many times when it comes to our love lives, dating, marriages, addictions, sexual histories, broken promises, broken commitments and broken hearts, we say, “There’s no hope.” The gospel of Jesus, the hope of Jesus says, “There’s always hope.”

Jesus came to make you whole. This doesn’t mean that your past, your hurt, the scars you carry on your body, heart, brain or soul disappear, but it does mean they change.

This is the invitation that Jesus has for us in Matthew 5. Do we trust that his picture of holiness is better than our picture of broken connection through our sexuality?

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How to Have Healthy Relationships

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All of us want healthy relationships.

Whether we’re married or not, we watch married couples and we think, “I’d hate that, I’ll never do that.” Or, “I like that.”

We watch parents, whether we have kids or not. We look at their relationships trying to discern what is working and what is not.

We then take those observations and apply them to our relationships.

Sometimes those results work, sometimes they don’t.

After decades of studying thousands of couples, Dr. John Gottman thinks he found the foundational, most important issue to a healthy relationship.

Trust.

He said, “What I found was that the number one most important issue that came up to these couples was trust and betrayal. Can I trust you to be there and listen to me when I’m upset? Can I trust you to choose me over your mother, over your friends? Can I trust you to work for our family? To not take drugs? Can I trust you to not cheat on me and be sexually faithful? Can I trust you to respect me? To help with things in the house? To really be involved with our children? Trust is one of the most commonly used words in the English language. It turns out that when social psychologists ask people in relationships, “What is the most desirable quality you’re looking for in a partner when you’re dating?”, trustworthiness is number one. It’s not being sexy or attractive. It’s really being able to trust somebody.”

We know this, but what does trust look like in relationships? How do we keep trust at the forefront so we have healthy relationships?

Trust comes into play when we have relational hurt or relationships fall apart.

How to have healthy friendships.

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Repairing of those relationships is more likely if we have relational change with that person and we have built into that person’s love bank or emotional tank. If we are constantly making withdrawals, trust is hard to repair.

In Matthew 5, as Jesus looks at relationships, He raises the stakes.

The religious leaders looked at the command of murder and saw murder. That was the end of keeping that commandment, don’t kill anyone, which is good advice.

Jesus raises the stakes of righteousness (Matthew 5:20) by saying that anyone who insults someone, has anger towards someone, wants to retaliate against someone, is the same as murder.

Jesus uses an interesting picture in verse 25 of Matthew 5, of being in prison. When we don’t deal with relational hurt, we are in a prison. We hold grudges, are bitter, and we’re stuck. This describes many of our relationships and hearts.

Stuck. Bitter. Hung up. Not moving forward.

Let me give you four questions that I think help us get to relational health:

How to have healthy relationships.

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1. What am I hurt about? What am I really angry at? Can you define what hurt you? Why is that relationship broken and not healthy? It might be with a spouse, child, friend, parent or boss.

Define what you are hurt about. What did they say? Do? How did that make you feel? Name your feelings. It might be afraid, hurt, lonely, isolated, run over by them. That you couldn’t stand up for yourself, or you couldn’t meet their standard.

2. Do I have any sin in this? This is crucial because many times we are angry because of sin and blind spots we have.

Did we do anything to cause the relational rift we have?

When it comes to your reaction to someone or a situation, a great question to ask is: Is my reaction proportional to the situation?

3. Am I dealing with it or simply talking to others about it? Many times when we’re hurt, we talk to everyone but the person who hurt us. One person, a spouse, a close friend, yes, so they can tell you when you’re being irrational or help you see things clearly, but broadcasting it on Facebook, telling everyone you come into contact with, is not healthy.

In fact, that’s gossip.

Bryan Miles said, “Gossip is taking your problem to someone who can’t do anything about it.”

Gossip is taking your problem to someone who can’t do anything about it. @bryanmiles

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4. What does moving forward look like? This is the goal. The goal is reconciliation for broken relationships, but reconciliation looks different for each relationship depending on what happened, what boundaries are healthy and what your heart can handle.

Why is this?

We are responsible for our part of every relationship we’re in.

We are responsible for our part of every relationship we’re in.

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When You’re Tempted to Quit Too Soon

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At some point, we are tempted to quit something.

It might be a job, a church plant, a team, a diet or workout plan, a book, a degree program or even a difficult marriage.

Why?

Because we’re human, and when things get difficult, many of us want to pack up and go home.

 

But what if on the other side of that difficulty is what we have longed for all along?

I think many times when we quit, we miss out on what God has for us.

Why do we quit?

Sacrifice.

It is hard.

Difficult.

Painful even.

Ross Perot said:

Most people give up just when they’re about to achieve success. They quit on the one yard line. They give up at the last minute of the game one foot from a winning touchdown.

I think what often sets people apart is their ability to persevere in something when it is difficult.

If you watch great athletes, the ones who win the gold medal, hold up the trophy or score the winning point, you will often see someone who was willing to live through pain, hardship, and difficulty. What you don’t see is the workout at 4am, the eating plan they put themselves through, the saying “no” to a night out with friends to get 10 hours of sleep. You don’t see the 1,000 jump shots they took each day, the miles they swam or ran, or the weights they lifted beyond what even they thought they could do.

When you see a couple in their 50s laughing together and genuinely enjoying each other’s presence, what you don’t see are the sleepless nights because they wouldn’t go to bed angry but instead worked through that argument. The tension of dealing with past hurt and past baggage and bringing it all to light so they could move forward. The hours spent holding hands and praying together about facing the road ahead. You don’t see the hundreds and thousands of compliments and little annoyances they decided to overlook instead of making a big deal about it.

What is on the other side of that difficulty or hardship? Very likely the breakthrough you’ve been waiting for.

Most leaders are tempted to quit moments before their critical breakthrough. – Carey Nieuwhof

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But how do you know? How do you know if you should quit or keep moving, especially in a job like leadership?

Here are some things that I ask myself or encourage others to ask themselves:

Am I getting enough sleep? Often, but not always, the reason we are in a difficult season or want to quit is related to our sleep. When we are tired, we make poor eating choices, cut things out of our life that could be beneficial, have a short fuse with people and have a fogginess when it comes to our choices and thinking. This is why we often make better decisions in the morning instead of later in the afternoon.

Do I have enough outlets for stress? Leaders need outlets for stress – things that recharge them and help them keep going. Those outlets, when used correctly, will often help you stay the course. Things like sleeping, sabbath, eating well, working out, community. All of these are incredibly important to staying the course.

What led up to this season or desire to quit? A desire to quit often comes when we don’t know what else to do, but looking backward can be a helpful thing. Was there a leadership choice, a hire, a new launch that led to this season? Sometimes, we want to quit because we are running from something and a new opportunity or throwing in the towel is easier. Whenever a pastor calls me and says he’s thinking about leaving his church, the first question I ask him is, “What about your church is difficult right now?” Often, we are running from difficulty.

What does my community look like? It is easier to throw in the towel when we’re alone. Most sin happens in isolation. Community has a way of shining the light into places it needs to be. Many leaders leave a place because of isolation and loneliness.

What is my relationship with God like? Lastly, what is your relationship with God like? Too many pastors fall into, “God told me to leave” because it is hard to argue with. God may have called you to leave, but He may be telling you to endure as well. I can tell you that one is easier.

Only you know if you should quit something. You know what led to that season and choice, but you don’t know what’s on the other side of it. There have been many times in my over 10 years in Tucson that leaving would’ve been the easier choice, but each time I’ve stopped to ask myself these questions and others, I’m glad I kept walking in what God called me.

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Connecting with Your Kids and the Phases of Parenting

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This is a guest post from my wife Katie Reich based off of questions we often get about resources for connecting with your kids.

My life basically smells of dried catsup, loose leaf paper, and essential oils. When you have five kids, even doing “nothing” is busier than the average busy. Thankfully I love my kids and my life.

“Passionate and intentional adventure toward God” is a huge part of our family mission statement. To be honest, that isn’t always easy. With the life of a family of seven, just feeding, schooling, and refereeing can take up most of our day.

Finding resources that fit our family values and schedule is not always easy. About two years ago our church switched over to the Orange Curriculum.

It seemed like a good choice with some great handouts to encourage parent involvement and tools to help kids of all ages take their next step with God.

During that time I read “It’s Just a Phase” and dog-eared so many pages, all the while wishing there was a way to disseminate the information for each of my kids in an orderly and timely way without having to cross reference post-its, highlights and dog-eared pages. Well, Kristen Ivey and Reggie Joiner have done just that plus more in the “Parenting Your ….” guides.

How @theparentcue guides are helping us as parents.

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These guides are road maps to helping take what you know about your child combined with others their age, while encouraging you/me to become a more thoughtful and engaged parent.

Do yourself a favor and buy it the week of your child’s birthday….

  • if you don’t know what conversations to have with her.
  • if each year you wish you knew your child better physically, socially, mentally and emotionally.
  • if each year you want book, game and movie suggestions to create connections and a jumping point to help develop his emotional intelligence.
  • if you need a reminder of how long you have until she turns 18 and it scares you just a little.
  • if you want to create a plan to engage thoughtfully with him but don’t know where to start.
  • if life is busy and you want to really notice her and help her to grow.

You can order your copies here.

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How we Sabotage Relationships

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All of us have a relationship that isn’t what we wish. It might be that your marriage has hit a hard spot, or your relationship with a child or parent isn’t what you would like.

How does pride show up in relationships? Sometimes it is in ways we wouldn’t expect. Here are some examples:

  • You don’t know how or when to say no. You say yes to everything. You find yourself always wondering how to fit in time alone and time with people who matter to you.
  • Your view of yourself goes from extremes of amazing to worthless in a millisecond.
  • Not having time is never your fault but the fault of work or others’ demands or needs, but never your fault.
  • You want to be around influential people.
  • You think you know what other people want or need.
  • You like to be needed by people.
  • You think, “If you love me, you will know what I need or want. If you love me, you should be able to read my mind.”
  • You get angry when you’re not acknowledged for what you do.
  • You care a great deal what people think of you.
  • You become codependent.
  • You think, “I don’t need anyone.”
  • Self worth is tied to people needing you or complimenting you.
  • You like to save the day in relationships.
  • You don’t ask for help.
  • You get angry when people don’t say thanks or repay you for what you did.
  • You expect people to help without being asked.
  • You expect people to know all that you do at work, home and in relationships.
  • You give and give and give in relationships to the point that you burn out.
  • You don’t know who you are apart from others.
  • You become demanding in relationships.
  • You bulldoze through situations.
  • You don’t listen. You complete sentences without regard.
  • You blame others for your unhappiness.
  • You deflect in relationships instead of dealing with the issue.
  • You don’t say what you’re thinking or what you need. You make others guess or make them pay for not doing what you want.
  • You try too hard to win approval.

Where does that come from?

Craig Groeschel said, Pride is always born of our insecurities. When we don’t know who we are in Christ, we use pride to try to fill that void.

What’s the hope?

Truth and love.

In the writings of John in his gospel and 1, 2 and 3 John, he reminds us again and again of the importance of truth and love. Truth helps us to know who we are in the eyes of God, which is a humbling thing. We are humbled that we aren’t God but that we are loved and accepted through the work of Jesus.

John tells us throughout his writings that this change will be seen in our daily lives and our walk. (3 John 4)

It doesn’t mean you won’t struggle with the above list; it just means that you fight against pursuing it. You are able to let something go, you don’t work for the approval of others because you are approved through Jesus, and you can let go of hurts because you have been forgiven.

You are truly able to bring your whole self to a relationship instead of protecting yourself.

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A Key to Healthy Relationships

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What if I told you one thing would make an enormous impact on every relationship you have?

I know that sounds like an oversimplification, but it isn’t.

All relationships that are healthy have many things in common. Truth, love, acceptance, boundaries.

But there is something of a lost art in relationships that I think can bridge the gap between people, especially in a divided culture like ours.

Hospitality.

Hospitality has the power to change relationships.

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Hospitality is the ability to welcome people, to be warm towards people you know and people you don’t.

Hospitality is also the opening of your heart and life towards other people.

It is being friendly and generous to those around you.

Simple?

Yes.

Easy?

Hardly.

The lost art of hospitality and why it matters in churches.

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I think it is a lost art in churches and among Christians, and I think that hospitality has the power to build a bridge for the gospel in our culture.

How?

Our culture is wary of Christians. In fact, where I live it is odd to be invited over to someone’s house for dinner. In other parts of the country it is normal, but our houses are now our fortresses, where we rest at the end of a long week.

But this and the rise of social media have left so many of us lonely and isolated.

That’s the power of opening up your home and sharing a meal with someone.

In fact, when we created our family mission statement, we put hospitable as one of the five things we wanted our kids to know when they left our house and one of the five things we wanted to be true about our family.

We think it is not only a Christian value but a bedrock of healthy families and relationships.

Don’t believe me?

Think about the people you love to be with? The houses you love to be in? The families you love to go to or went to as a kid or college student. My guess is they were hospitable.

So what does it look like practically to be hospitable?

The first is to decide you want to be and care to be.

This will mean opening up your home and life to people. Being willing to serve them and invite them in. If you’re an introvert, this might mean one or two people instead of a big group.

The second thing is to do it.

Don’t jump in and say you’ll go from never inviting someone over to three times a week. Start small.

If you have kids, talk with them about it. Pray for the people you are having over.

Our kids know that we have toys in our house for babies because we invite families over. We don’t need the baby toys, but they take up space in our house to serve those families we invite over.

That’s the third key, intentionality.

You have to plan it and think through what it will mean in your life and what it will look like.

Again, I think hospitality has the power to change the relationships we have. It is that powerful.

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When You’re Uncomfortable in Relationships

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Have you ever felt uncomfortable in a relationship?

I’m not talking about being creeped out by someone (that’s a different topic).

Maybe you find yourself not wanting to open up to people; you find yourself wanting to avoid people or struggle to let people in. All of us have reasons for this. You might have been betrayed, hurt in the past or simply lied to and let down by someone who was supposed to care.

So you’re uncomfortable.

Here’s an example from my life.

Often when I’m reading or watching TV on the couch, one or several of my kids will snuggle in real close, sometimes sitting on top of me. For some reason this is really uncomfortable to me.

Usually I’ll ask them to slide down or move over, and they’ll move half an inch (still touching) and ask if that is good.

Recently I shared this with a counselor, and after a long pause he said, “Isn’t it interesting how little kids have a way of revealing things in us?”

So, here are my questions for you in relationships, because the answers will often reveal what is keeping you from experiencing great relationships:

2 questions to help you have great relationships.

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1   What relationships make you uncomfortable?

2   Where did that start?

Our discomfort in relationships does reveal something to us, and it is an invitation to us. That invitation is a step towards wholeness and life.

I’ve had to ask, “Why do I like my space so much, and why does it make me uncomfortable when people invade my space?” I’m not much of a physical touch person or very affectionate, but why is that and how is that hindering me in relationships?

It does and it often keeps me from being close to people.

Yes, some of that is personality, but when we’re honest, if we don’t deal with our discomfort, we will find ourselves lonely and missing out.

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How to Love the Things of God

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Growing up in the church, I always heard things like, “we don’t do that, that’s of the world.” Or, “we don’t love the things of the world, we love the things of God.” This sounds nice and good, but when I asked what specifically those things were I would hear things like Easter eggs, alcohol, dancing, gambling or Christmas trees. Interestingly, other things like TV or electricity weren’t things of the world (although they were for some people in my community as I grew up near many Amish communities).

There is a desire many people have to love God and love the things of God, but we often don’t know how.

How do we know if we’re loving the right things? How do we know if we love the world and the things of the world or the things of God? (see 1 John 2:15 – 17)

Two writers help us understand this.

Augustine said, “What really makes you what you are, is not so much what you say, believe or behave, but what you love.” And James K.A. Smith more recently said, “You are what you love.” Our loves define us, not what we say we believe, but our loves. Our loves get our time, attention, talent, and finances. You can say you love friends and community, but if you never make any time for them because of other commitments, do you really love friends and community? Many men say they love their families and yet make commitments that keep them from their families.

What I never heard growing up is that after John tells us not to love the world or the things of the world, he tells us what those things are.

Three things: desires of the flesh, desires of the eyes and pride in possessions.

First, The desires of the flesh. John is speaking of a few things here.

He is speaking at misdirecting our sexual desire outside of God’s design. This can be sex outside of marriage, porn, fantasizing about someone you aren’t married to, getting emotionally involved with someone you aren’t married to, wishing your spouse was different, looked different, or acted different.

This also applies to your personal feeling of your own body and the elevated desire you have to look a certain way or have a certain body type.

This also points to what we are willing to do for love; the distance we will go for someone to love us. Or, how we will manipulate someone by withholding love to get what we want.

Here’s another way to think about the desire of the flesh – a desire to always get your way, especially in relationships.

In marriage, you stop pursuing your spouse and pursue porn or someone else. When a man pulls away from his wife and looks at porn, he shouldn’t be surprised when she pulls away from him, even if she doesn’t know why. She knows he is pulling away from her.

You stop opening up to your spouse and slowly start pulling away from them to the point that you never talk or share your dreams, hurts and joys. If you’re married, you should know your spouse’s story, their past, their hurts and joys. You should know their dreams and how to help them fulfill those dreams.

Do you know the dreams your spouse has for their life?

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Second, The desires of the eyes. This is the desire of what can be seen. A certain life, a certain lifestyle.

In many ways, this is your ideal and dream Instagram account, whatever that is. It could be a certain kind of house, certain kind of family, certain kind of grill, workout equipment, cars, vacations, food, clothes, closet space, hiking, or boating.

Now, John isn’t saying that cars, shoes, grills, houses or vacations are evil. They are morally neutral. It is our desire towards those things. Why? Because that desire consumes us and takes over. We do whatever we can to have a certain life or appear to have a certain lifestyle. We all have this. This is a desire of having everything. So many of us have bought the lie that you can have it all.

Men believe they can climb the ladder, have the perfect family, friends, hobbies and God. And yet, something breaks on the way up the ladder.

Mom’s kill themselves for this lie. They believe it is possible to have it all and look like you have it all so that people behind your back say with jealousy, “she has it all.” That woman who “has it all” is often cracking and dying from the pressure and the sadness that she really doesn’t have it all, but no one knows.

This can be the workaholic, taking on too much. Never stopping to ask, do I want this life? Should I say yes to this assignment or promotion? If I say yes to this, what am I saying no to? There is always a trade off.

Kids sports teams, there’s always a trade off in your life. A friend recently lamented the loss of his evenings and life as he and his wife try to juggle three soccer teams for their three kids. He’s miserable, their kids are exhausted. But there is a life he is chasing, a life they either want to have or want people to think they have. It is a dangerous place.

This is the person who can’t slow down because they’re afraid. They are afraid that if they stop moving and doing stuff, what will they do? I had a woman tell me once that she couldn’t take a day off or rest because she was afraid of the thoughts that would flood her mind. She was running.

If you’re a parent, this could be the desire you have for your kids to behave a certain way, get certain grades, or get a scholarship. We kill ourselves for that, we push our kids to insane lengths for that. Why? We say it is for them, but deep down it is a desire to be seen a certain way. Why? Because the people they are and the people they become are a direct reflection of our parenting. We want people to know that aren’t flaky parents, we are incredible parents.

Third, Pride in possessions. Again, John isn’t telling us possessions are bad. He is telling us that loving them and having pride in them is bad. Being driven by them will destroy us.

This is the desire to appear important.

This is wanting to appear smart, successful.

This is why many are in debt, or workaholics.

This is why people take certain jobs and careers. Appeasing a parent or a spouse seems more important. They give up a dream, a God-given call for something safer.

Too many of us find pride in what we acquire, what we have or the drive to get those things and it becomes incredibly dangerous.

So what do we do?

Right before these verses, John reminds us that as followers of Jesus our sins are forgiven, we know the Father, we have overcome the evil one. He tells us twice we know the Father and we have overcome the evil one. This is crucial because it takes the wind out of the sails of loving the wrong things. John is saying, young mom with young kids, in Jesus, you are enough.

To the one trying to have it all, in Jesus, you have it all.

To the one who is dying for your mom, your dad, your spouse to say “I’m proud of you”, in Jesus, God is proud of you.

To the one who is trying to climb the ladder to accomplish some unforeseen goal that is always out there, in Jesus, you are complete. In Jesus, the work is done.

To the one that struggles to believe they can be free from that porn addiction, gossiping, loneliness, anxiety, in Jesus, your sins are forgiven. In Jesus, you have the power to overcome the evil one.

To the one who is worried about how your kids will reflect on you as a parent, in Jesus, your reflection is set.

To the one who wants to be known and stop being lonely and alone, in Jesus, you are known and you have your Father in heaven from the beginning.

To the one who feels lost and left out, in Jesus, you are found. You have been brought in and you know the Father.

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Finding the Easy ‘Yes!’ in Parenting & Leadership

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If you’re a parent, let me guess what your child’s first word was.

NO!

I know, you aren’t a bad parent.

You wish it was yes, Momma or Dadda. And maybe it was. But more than likely it was no, or maybe mine.

As your kids get older and they ask for things, a bike, a video game, to stay up, you get very good at saying no. It is easy. You just want some down time. You want your kids to stop bothering you.

I get it.

The same thing happens in leadership.

Someone walks into your office or grabs you after a service and says, “Why don’t we do ____?” Or, “What if we tried _____ as a church?”

And your first reaction is, “No.”

It might be a good answer. It might even be the right answer.

But what if you could find the easy, “Yes!”

How to find the easy ‘Yes!’ as a parent.

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I’ll give you an example.

What if your child comes to you and asks, “Can I have a piece of gum?”

You might be thinking, “Why? Why do you have to bother me?” You’re on your email, working on dinner, cleaning the bathroom, any number of things. So you reflexively say, “No, leave me alone.” Your child walks away mad or stomps or gets angry and cries.

What if you took the easy ‘yes’?

The same thing happens as a leader

How to find the easy ‘Yes!’ as a leader.

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Someone comes and says, “What if we tried _____?” Instead of shooting it down, what if you said, “Run with it”?

Do you need to guard the vision?

Yes.

Do you need to vet ideas?

Yes.

But more happens when we go for the easy ‘yes’.

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Successful Mentoring Relationships

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Since Revolution Church is filled with people in college and their 20’s, and because we’re part of Acts 29, I and the other leaders at Revolution will often get requests to mentor someone, either in our church or a church planter or worship leader.

There is also a big desire that many people have to be discipled and mentored. The New Testament, particularly Titus 2:1 – 8, shows how to do this.

The amazing thing in Titus is that the relationships it describes have a few realities:

  1. They are intentional, but organic.
  2. They are relational.
  3. Growth happens through conversations, not necessarily a curriculum.

Paul tells Titus that in mentor relationships, in inter-generational relationships, they happen through proximity. The older are to teach the younger, but the only way for that to happen is for them to be together, not in life stage groups where they never mingle. In this environment, a younger person can find an older person they want to learn from.

Paul tells Timothy what they are to teach, but that teaching means ordinary conversations, not simply standing on a stage, teaching a class. Everyday, ordinary conversations.

What do they teach? What is amazing to me is that Paul says they’ll need to learn the following things. The things they’ll learn are things that won’t come naturally, or else we’d already know them.

This has caused me to think through what makes an effective mentor. They are important, but I think we often set ourselves and the person we are seeking help from up for disaster.

A mentor is someone further ahead of you in an area you want to grow in.

No one person can mentor you in every part of your life.

This is the problem we run into. We look for someone to be the end all, be all for us.

When someone asks for a mentor, I explain this to them and then ask a series of questions:

How to find a mentor

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What are one or two areas you want to grow in as you think about your life in the next 3, 6, 12 months? This could be finances, prayer, marriage, boundaries, health, etc.

Why do you think I can help you? I want to know why they think I can help them. Not because I want to pump up my ego, but I want to know they’ve done their homework on me and didn’t just throw a dart at the wall and pick the closest person.

What are you doing, or have you tried to grow in this area? Often, not always, but often people seek a mentor because they are lazy. I want to know what books or blogs this person has looked at in this area. Are they actively seeking to grow in this area or just hoping to rub off success from someone? Which leads to the last part.

How much time are you willing to put into this? Anything worth doing will take time. You won’t grow in your handling of finances, health, marriage, career, preaching, etc., without putting in time and effort. This is a commitment you as the person getting mentored are making. The mentor is coming along for the ride, and if I as the mentor am not convinced you are into the ride, I’m getting off.

4 things to keep in mind when you look for a mentor.

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If you are worth your salt as a leader, person or pastor, you will be asked often to mentor people. You must be selective about who you mentor, because you are giving up one of your most precious commodities, your time. If you are asking to be mentored, to succeed and have it be worthwhile for you, you need to do your homework and be willing to put in the work. There is nothing more exciting than working with a person who wants to grow in an area and helping them do that.

We can’t become the person we are to become without relationships with older, more mature people in our lives.