Category Archives: Healthy Faith

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The Power of Your Mind When it Comes to Change

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When it comes to change, there are a few different ways of seeing it and seeing why we need to change that keeps us stuck:

How you get stuck in life and relationships.

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  • Some of us don’t think we need to change. We aren’t perfect, but we aren’t terrible in our opinion. There is some hidden system known only to us, but that system tells us we aren’t as bad as an employee, child, parent or spouse as other people.
  • We’ve tried to change, and it didn’t work. So, it must not be worth it. Which takes us quickly back to the first spot, we don’t need to change then.
  • I’d change, but I can’t because and we fill in the blank. That could be something from our past, someone in our present. But the other person is keeping us stuck where we are. This is the person who changes jobs and keeps working for a boss that doesn’t see how amazing they are. The problem is, they keep running out of bosses. In this person, they hold others responsible for their problems, their pain. This is the view that the problem is out there. And as long as the problem is out there, I don’t have to change or take responsibility for it.
  • Or, have you ever said or heard someone say, “That’s not me. That’s not who I am. It was just once.” But it wasn’t just once, and most of the time, we are blind to our blind spots.
  • Sometimes we shrug it off. We’ll say things like, “well that’s just how life goes.” We rationalize things as a way to protect ourselves. We often do this if we grew up in a chaotic home or are related to an addict or an alcoholic. Unknowingly, this is a defense mechanism for us and keeps us from having to engage hard parts of our lives.
  • Connected to this is “this is just the way I am.” I’m just loud; I’m just controlling, fearful, I worry about everything. What this does is it gives us a way out. I don’t have to change because this is how I am. What if, that is causing problems in our closest relationships or keeping us from experiencing life.

When it comes to change, we have all kinds of opinions on the possibility of change and how it happens.

What’s fascinating to me is how the bible, psychologists, and neuroscientists say the same thing about change and your brain (the bible just said it first): The brain, your mind is crucial. It is powerful.

The Power of Your Mind When it Comes to Change

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Dr. Daniel Amen called America’s most popular psychiatrist, and a neuroscientist says that your brain is involved in everything you do and everything you are, including how you think, feel, act and how well you get along with people. That when your brain works right, you work right. When your brain is troubled, you are more likely to have trouble in life.

 Craig Groeschel said: You cannot have a positive life when you have a negative mind.

You cannot have a positive life when you have a negative mind. -Craig Groeschel

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Two thousand years ago, the apostle Paul writing in the New Testament said in his letter to the church in Philippi: Don’t worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable—if there is any moral excellence and if there is anything praiseworthy—dwell (or think) on these things. Do what you have learned and received and heard from me, and seen in me, and the God of peace will be with you.

The writer of the book of Hebrews in the NT told us: to pay close attention, pay attention to what you pay attention to. The idea of attention, what we focus on is all over scripture.

Why?

As Craig Groeschel says, Your life is always moving in the direction of your strongest thoughts.

Your life is always moving in the direction of your strongest thoughts. -Craig Groeschel

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It’s the idea that what fires together, stays together. The more you think about anything, no matter what it is, the more your brain gives real estate to that subject. So, and this is key at least for me because I’m not a naturally optimistic person (and let’s be honest, our culture is not optimistic, just turn on social media), but if you repeatedly focus your thoughts on negative experiences (their words hurt me) those negative thoughts get wired more deeply into our brains.

Have you noticed that you recall negative experiences faster and easier than positive ones? It’s called negative bias. We recall negative things; words said to us, negative emotions more quickly and we remember negative experiences longer than positive ones.

It’s why you can remember being left out at school, not picked on the team, what your parent or guidance counselor said in school, the feedback from a boss over a decade ago.

One neuroscientist coined the phrase the survival of the busiest to explain this: that the more we think specific thoughts, both unhealthy and healthy, the more powerful they become.

This is why, the apostle Paul writing in the New Testament said in his letter to the church in Rome said: Be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may discern what is the good, pleasing, and perfect will of God.

Our mental habits, what we give our attention to, shape our brain, which in turn forms our behaviors.

What Romans 12 is telling us is how we align our minds with our feelings and what God is doing in our lives.

I believe to see the change in our lives; we need to understand the power of our minds and how much they shape our heart and behaviors.

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How to Be Still When Life is Busy

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Psalm 46:10 is an often quoted verse. It says, Be still and know that I am God. It’s on coffee mugs, posters, greeting cards. It is an invitation to experience God, to rest, slow down.

It is also an invitation that I and many others reject on a daily basis.

Our rejection of this invitation is interesting because of how tired most Americans are, how worn out we are, how run down we are from living life. You would think, the invitation from God for us to be still and know that He is God would be a welcome invitation.

But we reject it.

First off, to be still and know that He is God means I need to admit that I am not God. I have to admit there are things outside of my control. Things I can’t do. Things I can’t handle. There are people and situations I cannot control. This is not a facade many of us are willing to give up any time soon. We know we aren’t in control, but we are content to live with the idea that we might be.

Second, for me to be still, I am going to have to stop. Which means, slowing down, ending things, resting. The reason most Americans don’t Sabbath and rest isn’t that we don’t know how to or aren’t very good at it. We don’t rest and slow down because we don’t want to. As long as we are busy, we don’t have to think about what is broken in our lives. We don’t have to think about that situation from 10 years ago we are trying to forget that we have never dealt with. Being still often means facing our sin. Being still gives God the opportunity to speak to us. As long as we are moving, we can drown Him out and not think about those broken places in our lives.

Third, is the crucial word know. Most of the time, when we talk about faith in God or a lack of faith, it all has to do with our feelings. We talk about not feeling in love as a reason for divorce. We don’t feel God’s love, so it must not be real is a comment I’ve heard countless times. But, Psalm 46 tells us to know that He is God. Not feel. Feelings are fleeting and easy to dismiss. Knowing means, I must slow down to ask, “What do I know about God? Looking at the world around me, what does that say about God? How have I seen God be faithful to redeem other things in my life, why not this thing I won’t give up?”

We don’t slow down, not because we can’t or don’t have time. We don’t stop because deep down, we want to be God. We don’t want God to speak to us about those broken places in our lives; we’d like to keep being the victim in that situation instead of facing it and having him redeem it.

But the invitation still stands, by accepting it, we find rest. We find life. We find a place where we can let go of worries, hurt, frustrations and be with God. Exactly what we need.

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Finding Jesus in the Storms of Life

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Storms happen to all of us.

Storms surprise us; storms sideswipe us in life.

Many times, we fall onto our couch and think, “I did not see that coming.”

How do you respond when you think, “I did not see that coming”?

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The funny thing about storms though is that you can see them coming in someone else’s life better than you see them in your life.

Have you ever had someone tell you they didn’t see something coming and you thought, “How could you miss it?” We all saw your marriage going that way, we told you. We saw that financial decision is a poor one a mile away.

A storm is when you feel helpless. Life feels chaotic; you have this “I did not see that coming” feeling afterward.

Some storms are out of our control, things like getting laid off, when you were abused or when you can’t have a baby. When cancer comes back, when your kids walk away from their faith, you have a miscarriage, or you are depressed and can’t see a way forward.

But some storms, we cause. How you respond to things in your life. Who you let into your life and who you allow influencing your life.

How do you respond to the storms of life?

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Your marriage is another area we have some control over. We don’t want to admit it, but the choices we made earlier in life had a more significant effect on our marriage than we expected. We didn’t expect that sleeping around in our 20’s to affect us in our 30’s. Who knew those financial decisions would still be felt ten years later.

Or the resentment and bitterness you carry around from past relationships and hurts.

Regardless of the storm or the cause, many of us, when we get stuck in a storm in life wonder where God is.

Where is God when life hurts the most?

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There is a fascinating passage in Mark 6 that shows us something important about God and storms.

Immediately he made his disciples get into the boat and go ahead of him to the other side, to Bethsaida, while he dismissed the crowd. After he said good-bye to them, he went away to the mountain to pray. Well into the night, the boat was in the middle of the sea, and he was alone on the land. He saw them straining at the oars, because the wind was against them. Very early in the morning he came toward them walking on the sea and wanted to pass by them. When they saw him walking on the sea, they thought it was a ghost and cried out, because they all saw him and were terrified. Immediately he spoke with them and said, “Have courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.” Then he got into the boat with them, and the wind ceased. They were completely astounded, because they had not understood about the loaves. Instead, their hearts were hardened.

What is fascinating to me is that Jesus intended to pass by them. He didn’t plan on stopping.

But isn’t Jesus supposed to save them? To pull them from the storm? Stop it? Bring relief?

Sometimes Jesus stops the storm. Sometimes he pulls us from it and brings relief. And sometimes he passes by.

Where is God when life is confusing?

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This might seem like Jesus is leaving them (or us), but that is far from it.

Dave Furman in his book Kiss the Wave: Embracing God in Your Trials said, The better question isn’t whether or not Jesus wanted to help his disciples, of course, he did, but the question is, how did he want to help them.

In 1 Kings, when God showed himself to Elijah, He did so by passing by him.

In the book of Exodus, God showed Moses his power and presence by passing by him.

Jesus is showing them and us he is God by passing by them.

Here’s how I’ve seen this play out in my life: when someone else gets my answered prayer. Has that ever happened to you? You pray for your marriage, but it seems like other people’s marriage improves. You pray for your finances and others get blessed. Same as you pray for your kids and others seem to get ahead. You pray for your career and a co-worker gets promoted and gets the raise.

God is more visibly at work in someone else’s life. God has more visibly blessed them with a comfortable life compared to our lives.

Sometimes God will move in life near us to show us He can. Not to taunt us or diminish our faith, but to strengthen it.

In her book, It’s Not Supposed to be This Way: Finding Unexpected Strength when Disappointments Leave You Shattered, Lysa Terkeurst shares this prayer and if you find yourself in a storm and finding it difficult to trust God and cling to him, I pray this prayer helps you:

Oh, dear God, help me trust You beyond what my physical eyes can see. As the winds of all that’s uncontrollable whip around me and thrash against me, I need something to ground me. Steady me. Hold me together when circumstances are falling apart. I want to trust you beyond what my eyes can see. Amen.

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God is Bigger Than ________

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What problem are you facing right now that seems impossible? Insurmountable?

Is it something to do with your job? Will, you have to fire someone? Are you struggling to find a job that you love? Is it impossible to work with the people you work with?

What about at home? Often, it feels like we are the only ones who care about the issues in our house. Your spouse is unresponsive or left, your kids have checked out and are more interested in friends or electronics.

God

We feel alone.

This happens spiritually as well.

We pray and ask God to move, but it seems like God was more at work in our past or the lives of others than He is in our present life.

This letdown is hard to handle because it leaves us feeling alone and abandoned. It makes our heads and hearts spin.

And while we know that God is all powerful and can do whatever He wants, we stare at mountains that seem impossible to face.

Monday morning feels like an arduous task, so we stay in bed. Fighting for our marriage feels impossible. Our kids, finances, and health issues all feel like they will beat us out instead of us winning the war.

God is Bigger Than ________.

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God Will Fight For You

What is hard for us to fathom in the barren place of the wilderness is that God is fighting for us. God is pursuing us.

But He is.

The story of Christmas and the story of Scripture is God’s relentless pursuit of us.

God could’ve left us, He could’ve left you, but He didn’t.

God wants to meet you.

God wants to meet you.

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But and this is often why we are in the wilderness, “What we want and what God has promised are not always the same.”

“What we want and what God has promised are not always the same.” -Zach Eswine

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We experience the wilderness of faith when all the things God has done for us are in the past, and it seems like he isn’t moving now.

We struggle to remember that God is at work even when nothing seems to be happening in our lives or worlds.

We experience the wilderness of faith when all the things God has done for us are in the past, and it seems like he isn’t moving now.

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Community

When we are lonely and sad, the last thing we want is a community.

When we feel depressed, the last thing we want is to sit with a counselor and talk about it.

The very thing that we don’t want to do is the thing we need to do. 

Community, friends, counselors are used by God to pull us out of the dark places to live in the light.

They are able to help us see our blindspots and help to get us “out of the one-way conversation in our heads.”

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Is God’s Will a Mystery or Obvious?

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When it comes to figuring out God’s will, we often make it incredibly difficult to figure out. We talk about it in mystical ways, heightening the sense that only a few find it. We wonder, does God have a specific will for my life? What if I miss it?

Does God have a specific will for your life?

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This happens with marriage; is there the one for me and what if I marry the wrong one?

If there’s an open door, is that God’s will? If it’s a closed door, is that God way of saying no?

We also look at people in the Bible, Noah, Abraham, Moses, David, Paul and see people that God used in incredible ways, but also people that God spoke to audibly and laid out his will. We see Noah getting the measurements of the ark. Abraham and Moses are told where to go. Does God still do that?

For us, we have something they didn’t have. God’s will written out in the form of God’s word. We have God’s inspired, authoritative word. Over 31,000 words that God has given to us and preserved to show us how life is to be lived.

This means a few things. I don’t think we will find a laid out plan for every aspect of our life. God will not give us all the details. What he does do is give us a framework in which to live by and make decisions.

Most people when they make decisions set out the pros and cons of a choice and then choose the way that has the most pros or the least annoying or uncomfortable cons. What if we thought about it differently? What if we looked at the framework God has given us in Scripture and asked, “Will this choice get me to where God wants me or will it hinder me?” Sometimes, the choice with the most cons will get us there.

Here are a few clues to the framework:

  • Marriage: God has told us in Ephesians 5 and Genesis 1 – 2 that there are specific roles for marriage. Men are to lead their wives and families lovingly. They are to pastor them. They are to lay their lives down as Jesus did. They are to exhibit servant leadership. God has given them responsibility and accountability for their families. Wives are to respond to their husband’s leadership and submit to them. They are to be their partners in life, their helpers, giving pushback when needed. This doesn’t mean a wife is a robot or a doormat. The Holy Spirit is called “the helper” so I don’t think this is a negative thing as we speak of it.
  • Money: Malachi 3 and 2 Corinthians 8 – 9 tells us to steward the money and possessions God entrusts to us well. We are to honor God by giving back to him a portion of what he has entrusted to us. That portion is to be sacrificial, generous, worshipful and proportional. This means we need to set this aside first and then live within the means of what is left.
  • Work: We are to work and rest. We are to live in rhythm. If we are married, 1 Timothy 5 says that a man is responsible for providing for his family, that if he doesn’t, he is worse than an unbeliever. This means we need to live within the means of what we make. Our identity is not found in our work, but our work is one way we glorify God and show what He is like through our faithful, hard work.
  • Mission: Matthew 28, Acts 1 and scores of other places that we are to live on mission. That the gospel should change us in such a way that we live our lives with the purpose of moving the gospel forward in the world in which we live. That we should live lives that are different. If you live out the passages mentioned above, do you think your life will look different from those around you?

I could go on and on. My point is that God has laid out what it means to be a follower of his, what it means to live in the freedom of the gospel, what a man, woman, dad, mom, husband, wife, child, boss, employee. What it means to date, to work, to pray, to eat, to sleep.

I believe that if we lived out what Scripture calls us to, we would find God’s will for our lives more easily and clearly.

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What You have to Give Up to Move Forward in Life & Relationships

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I have a confession: I like control.

A lot.

I like to stack the odds in my favor in situations. I want to know the details of things, who will be there, what we’ll eat and do. For me, it is incredibly comforting. And it’s easy to do.

This desire though, while it can be helpful in certain situations, in others it can be destructive.

Especially in the areas of relationships.

Why?

I can’t control the outcome of them.

I can’t control what someone else will do or say.

I can’t change my spouse, friends, kids or co-workers.

Yes, I can do things to help, but I can’t change them.

For many of us, this desire for control hurts us.

Our desire for control will destroy our best relationships.

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Now, before you think you are off the hook and aren’t into control, consider this.

We will control people with our silence, our passion, our drive, passive-aggressive comments, knowledge, anger, shaming, withholding, tears, anything to swing the situation into our favor.

Amazingly, it is easy to do.

And often, the people around us will let us because it is more comfortable than the alternative.

But, control not only destroys us, but it also destroys others.

To move forward in life, to start anything over or see something (or someone) flourish, we must give up control.

To move forward in life, to start anything over or someone flourish, we must give up control.

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Why would we do this?

There is a sense of peace that awaits us that we will not experience in control mode.

Many spiritual practices in Scripture center around the battle for control: submission to authorities or in relationships, prayer, fasting, giving, Sabbath to name a few.

God knows that in our heart of hearts, we love control and will do anything to have it.

The adventure of faith is stepping into uncertainty and risk.

Letting go.

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The Hidden Secret to the Good Life

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Everyone is looking for the good life.

This is why you’re here on this blog and why you read other blogs, listen to podcasts, seek out advice from mentors and coaches and why you get up and go to work every day.

The Hidden Secret to the Good Life

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What if I told you, that the good life, is less about what you do, what you accomplish and more about what you enjoy?

In a culture that rewards doing this seems counterintuitive.

The reason it is counterintuitive is that few of us do this well.

We are so busy going after things that we rarely stop to ask if we want what we’re going after.

Yes, you work hard to make money, but do you want the sacrifices and losses that come with that? That can range from loss of family time, higher stress and aggravation.

What if, what if you had everything you needed?

Many of us live as if God will ask us at the end of our lives if we lived the good life, if we climbed the highest ladder, if we raised our kids to climb the highest ladder or if we achieved the highest status possible. When in reality, God will ask us if we fulfilled his calling on our lives with our only life.

While there can and often is overlap between the two, they are often very different.

What this does besides stress in our lives and a sense of longing for more, it leaves us feeling like we’re missing out or that we somehow are living the wrong life. We daydream about another life, another opportunity when the one we should go after is right in front of us.

For the most driven of us, it leaves us missing out on the present in our lives.

Many of us, spend so much time on our phones or grabbing moments on our phones that we fail to live the moments we’ve captured on our phones.

Recently, I’ve started a practice that has been incredibly helpful to me. At the end of each day, write down three things I’m grateful for. Three things, I can thank God for.

For me, this has caused me to be more thankful, to be more present throughout my day, but it has also helped me to see the small things God is doing in my life.

Most of us are on the looking for huge things from God (which He does), but most of life is lived in the small moments with God and others.

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Prayer is Helplessness in Action

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Paul Miller in his book A Praying Life: Connecting with God in a Distracting World said: “Prayer is bringing our helplessness to God.”

Prayer is bringing our helplessness to God. -Paul Miller

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In many ways, prayer is helplessness in action.

Prayer is helplessness in action.

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But that’s the difficulty.

For us to pray, we must admit our helplessness. We must acknowledge that we don’t have it all together, that on our own we are weak, lost, helpless. 

For some of us, this is easy to do, but for many of us, this gets to the core of who we are.

We are raised to be self-sufficient. We have been taught from a young age that you can’t trust anyone, count on anyone. Why? We’ve been betrayed, cheated on, hurt, abandoned. So, when we pray and talk about our faith in God, this is in the back of our minds.

It makes sense.

But Jesus tells us to pray to God our Father like a child, to ask like a child.

If you think about a child, a few things come to mind: they are relentless in their asking. They are focused on the present, not the past or the future. They have confidence that the person they are asking can come through for them.

But we don’t do this.

Have you ever stopped to ask why?

Recently a friend of mine gave a great talk on prayer to pastors on five reasons pastors struggle with prayer, but I think it applies to everyone:

1. We think we should be better at this. We should be able to handle it. We should be able to figure it out. We think we should be able to get through the day without asking for help.

And we don’t pray because we think we should be better at praying, so we beat ourselves up about how bad we are at praying.

2. We’re afraid of vulnerability. We’re okay with social media vulnerability, “I’m the worst mom ever, well that happened, here’s my pile of laundry, here’s my messy garage, here’s my failure.” As long as we decide the vulnerability, we’re okay with it, but to be known we have to vulnerable.

Vulnerable is sharing needs, but it is also sharing who you are and sharing weakness.

Tim Keller said, “To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.”

3. We like to look competent. If I have a prayer need, I don’t want to say it. I want people around me and God to think I’m qualified and have my act like together.

Remember: Prayer is helplessness in action. 

This is why our favorite prayer request in a group is “unspoken.”

4. We’re hurting, but don’t want to admit it. I don’t want to admit that I’m in pain or having difficulty. We don’t want to share that our marriage hurts, our kids don’t listen, and we have trouble forgiving or trusting God.

Have you noticed how praying about something, asking someone else to pray about something makes it real? It is the moment of truth because

5. We’re cynical. Deep down, many of us hedge our bets with prayer. We don’t believe that God will come through. This is why many of us aren’t generous and don’t give back to God. We need to hold on to some money just in case it rains, and God doesn’t show up with a big enough umbrella.

How do children pray? They are honest; they recognized that they are a mess, that they need help, and they didn’t stop. Have you ever noticed that children never stop asking? They are convinced they will wear you down. God invites us to pray like that, yet few of us do.

I came across this the other day that I think sums this up:

 

 

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Dependence. Repost @calvin.n.hops ・・・ #TimKeller

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To watch my sermon on this, click here.

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Second Chances

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Second chances are tricky.

We all need one. We all want one. But we’re also convinced it isn’t possible for us. The guy down the road, the person we read about online, our co-worker or sibling, but not us.

Some of us think a second chance is wishful thinking. You have no idea what I’ve experienced, what I’ve walked through and experienced. Josh, you don’t know what I’ve done or what’s been done to me.

Some of you think you don’t deserve a second chance or to rebuild something. Many of us walk around thinking we are getting what we deserve.

Some of you think, what’s the point of rebuilding or starting over. My life isn’t so bad, it isn’t great or amazing, but it could be worse and by doing that we often minimize our hurt and pain.

But rejecting those things, minimizing those things, pretending they don’t exist, doesn’t take them away; it just keeps us from moving forward.

The reason second chances are so hard for us is that we have to look back to go forward.

Second chances require we look back to go forward.

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We like looking ahead.

In the rearview mirror of our lives are painful situations, hurt, betrayal, abuse, addictions, divorce, career changes, bankruptcy, embarrassments, mistakes, the list goes on and on.

We want to talk about now and in the future.

But, as Brennan Manning says, the false self, the imposter, the mask we wear, begins the moment that we felt rejected, worthless, or unlovable.

The false self, the imposter, begins the moment that we felt rejected, worthless, or unlovable. -Brennan Manning

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If you’re like me, you can take me back to that place in your life. I can bring you to the classroom in the elementary school where it happened. I can see the school, the room, smell the chalk and hear the teachers voice. The moment I learned I was behind and not keeping up, that I wasn’t smart enough.

For you, it might be a car ride where you were beaten down verbally by a parent, a kitchen table where a parent said “I’m leaving,” it might be a soccer field, a bedroom.

Those moments are important because that is the moment we must return to so we can move forward in freedom.

Many of us don’t struggle to trust God with our future and with eternity, but we struggle to believe God with our present.

Throughout the Old Testament, the nation of Israel was commanded to built altars, to celebrate feasts to remind themselves what God had done, how God had protected and provided and how God had rescued them. It was so they would walk by a monument and be reminded, to tell the story. Whenever our family drives by one of the places that our church has met in, and our kids will say “hey, our church used to meet there.” What they’re doing is they’re reminding me, and they’re reminding themselves of the story that we have lived and how we have seen God be faithful in our lives

This is why our church does communion every week. It is why we celebrate baptism as a church because we forget and need reminding of God’s grace.

Brene Brown said, “To embrace and love who we are (and I’d add to say to see the change), we have to reclaim and reconnect with the parts of ourselves we’ve orphaned over the years.”

To embrace and love who we are, we have to reclaim and reconnect with the parts of ourselves we’ve orphaned over the years. -Brene Brown

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Grieving Losses in Life & Leadership

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Terry Wardle said, “Ministry is a series of ungrieved losses.” I think you could expand that to say all of leadership and life are a series of ungrieved losses. 

All of leadership and life are a series of ungrieved losses.

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The reality for many of us is that we have lost something.

We have lost loved ones, we’ve been left and abandoned in relationships, we’ve had jobs come and go, dreams come and go. You started a business or a church that you expected to take off, but it didn’t go as fast as you’d like or at all. You expected kids by a certain age, certain kinds of kids at that, but it didn’t play out as you expected. Marriage was supposed to be a wild ride, but the wild ride you got is not the wild ride you thought you signed up for when you said: “I do.”

Losses.

As they stack up in life, many times, we fail to grieve them.

We shrug our shoulders and say “that’s life.”

Or, we think that other people have it worse.

And maybe they do, but if you’re like me, by saying those things, you are attempted to shield yourself from the pain. You also minimize the impact those losses have on you and your life when we say things like that.

For us to move forward in life, for us to see God redeem all that is in us, we must bring all that in us. We must face all that in us and all that is a part of our story.

Yes, God redeems all that in us and sets us free, but many of us hold on to losses, hold on to pain or regrets or mistakes and so we never experience the life God has for us.

I was talking with a guy recently, and he said he was afraid to face what was hidden in his family of origin because he wasn’t sure what he would find there.

He would find losses.

When we face losses, it is at that moment, that we decide whether or not we trust the goodness of God.

How to trust God is good in the midst of loss.

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Is God still good when life doesn’t go as I thought it would?

If I believed that God called me to start something and it slowly fizzles out, did I hear God correctly? If so and that was God’s plan all along, how do I feel about that?

Many times, we want to blame God, and He can take it. Or, we’ll play the role of the victim.

When we do that, it makes sense, but it also keeps us from having to face our pain or even deal with it. As the victim, it is their fault out there. My spouse, parents, child, economy, elders, staff members. They caused it. They did it.

And maybe they did, but it still happened, and you still have to face it.

The ones who move forward whole (notice I didn’t say unscarred) are the ones who grieve those losses.

But how?

While I’m still learning this process, here are some things that help me:

How to grieve losses.

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Name what was lost. What was lost for some of us is a dream, a hope, a goal.

Maybe you lost your innocence by having to grow up too quickly. Perhaps it is a loss of purpose and meaning. It might be the loss of identity or relationships.

We have all had loss but rarely do we name them.

Not naming them gives them the power to take away in our lives.

Attach a feeling to that. How did that loss feel? I realize that this might be an obvious question but think for a moment. It is more than anger.

Most of us (especially Christians) are not very good at grieving, but it is a crucial part of maturity.

Recently, I named a loss I experienced and told a friend, “I’m sad about that.” Which for me is an enormous step because I can’t think of many times I’ve said I was sad about something.

Ask God what He wants you to know about Him through this. Each moment, good and bad, easy and difficult, are invitations from God to know something about himself and something about ourselves.

Don’t rush through this and miss this.

God is near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18).

Three ways to grieve losses in life and leadership.

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If we don’t do this, not only will we miss the freedom that is found in Jesus, but we will make people in our future pay for things people did in our past. This will keep us from living and enjoying life and leadership. It will keep us from trusting and experiencing community because “we know how this story ends.”