Photo by Kenny Eliason on Unsplash

Recently, I was on a call with some younger leaders at a company, and a lot of the conversation centered around how to be successful in your 20s, what roadblocks you might hit and how to find a mentor.

We spent a lot of time talking about mentoring and coaching because it is a big part of what makes people successful.

But how do you find a mentor? How do you walk through that process?

We often put a lot of pressure on those relationships, which hangs us up sometimes and keeps us from finding the help we need.

The best mentoring relationships have three things in common:

1. They are intentional but organic.
2. They are relational.
3. Growth happens through conversations, not necessarily a curriculum.

While you will sometimes ask a mentor to walk with you, sometimes it will just happen.

They are relational, which means it should be someone you naturally connect with, and they connect with you. If that doesn’t exist, you will not get all of what you could out of the relationship, and one or both of you will end up frustrated.

While you can sometimes go through a curriculum, the best mentoring happens naturally through conversations. When you have them, come prepared with questions, put your phone away and take lots of notes.

Before getting to how to find one, let me give you a caution I’ve learned over the years: A mentor is someone further ahead of you in an area you want to grow in.

No one person can mentor you in every part of your life.

This is the problem we run into. We look for someone to be the end-all, be-all for us.

When someone asks for a mentor, I explain this to them and then ask a series of questions:

What are one or two areas you want to grow in as you think about your life in the next 3, 6, or 12 months? This could be finances, prayer, marriage, boundaries, health, etc.

Why do you think I can help you? I want to know why they think I can help them. Not because I want to pump up my ego, but I want to know they’ve done their homework on me and didn’t just throw a dart at the wall and pick the closest person.

What are you doing, or have you tried to grow in this area? Often, not always, but often people seek a mentor because they are lazy. I want to know what books or blogs this person has looked at in this area. Are they actively seeking to grow in this area or just hoping to rub off on the success from someone? This leads to the last part.

How much time are you willing to put into this? Anything worth doing will take time. You won’t grow in handling finances, health, marriage, career, preaching, etc., without putting in time and effort. This is a commitment you, as the person getting mentored, make. The mentor is coming along for the ride, and if I, as the mentor, am not convinced you are into the ride, I’m getting off.

If you are worth your salt as a leader, person, or pastor, you will often be asked to mentor people. You must be selective about who you mentor because you are giving up one of your most precious commodities, your time. If you are asking to be mentored, to succeed and have it worthwhile, you need to do your homework and be willing to put in the work. There is nothing more exciting than working with someone who wants to grow in an area and helping them do that.

We can’t become the person we are to become without relationships with older, more mature people in our lives.

Photo by Hello I’m Nik on Unsplash

When we find ourselves in difficult seasons, whether of our own doing or someone else or even the world around us, we often ask why. We try to make sense of it and look for reasons. But during a situation, it is hard to see any reason. Only with distance can an explanation come into focus; a lesson could start to make sense for us.

Eighteen months ago, I knew my time in my role in Tucson was done. The problem was, I didn’t know where my new position would be, what part of the country we’d be in, what kind of church I’d be working in or what my role on that team would be.

I was aimless, frustrated, depressed, anxious, and angry.

I remember telling a mentor that I was frustrated at my job, wanting something more and different. This frustration was primarily built around the reality that I was done there, but it wasn’t public knowledge. 

He told me, “If you let it, this will make you a better pastor because many church members are frustrated with their lives and jobs. Most of the people you preach to want something more and different.”

I’ve thought about this a lot over the last 18 months. It has enormous implications for our leadership, counseling, and preaching.

But how?

1. Don’t run from difficulty. We are a culture that is built around comfort. We do everything in our power to avoid pain and hardship. I’m not suggesting that you look for pain and difficulty or that hard times will be fun, but they are beneficial if you learn from them.

First, you need some people who will walk with you through the difficulty. Who will ask you hard questions, listen to you, pray with you and for you, and be your friend. 

2. Engage your feelings in the difficulty. For you, this might be easy. It is challenging for me to engage my feelings and something I have had to spend a lot of time working on and learning how to do. I thrive on simply getting things done and moving through things. Much of my life has been spent not dealing with what’s happening in me.

Over the last several years, that has started to change by God’s grace, some good counsel, and a loving wife. Over the last few years, I have engaged with what God is doing in me, what feelings I am feeling, and what they are trying to show me. 

This is so crucial in the midst of difficulty. 

Name your feelings: sadness, anger, frustration, betrayal, hurt, dismay, whatever they might be. Figure out why you are feeling those things, what has led to it, and what is happening that is making you feel that way.

Then, you can evaluate your feelings. Don’t dismiss them, but evaluate them. 

3. Process it. Most of the time, as we walk through life, we walk through life. We don’t step back and process it, especially the difficult and painful moments. My frustration with a job is nowhere near the same pain or difficulty as losing a loved one or being given difficult medical news. But the principles still connect.

Over the last year, I have been processing the lessons God taught me in Tucson. The things he wanted me to learn about Him, myself, others, leadership, and the church. It has been incredibly fruitful as I have worked through that. 

The reality is, I could not be where I am, be the pastor, leader, and preacher that I am without that season. Now, I didn’t know that at the time; I was just angry (because, as an Enneagram 8, that is natural and protects me), but I needed all of that time. 

And chances are, you might need it as well if you don’t waste it. 

Photo by Ian Schneider on Unsplash

The sad reality for many people is that the place where they spend most of their time (work) often doesn’t align with their passions and talents. 

This leaves a lot of people feeling stuck. And then they wonder if they are missing out on something, missing their chance, if they should switch jobs or if there is any hope of living a life of passion and purpose. 

Over the years, I have noticed a trend among many adults that gets to the heart of why most people miss their chance or miss living a life of passion and purpose. 

They don’t know who they are, how they are wired, and what fires them up. 

Look at the questions below and see how you line up for you:

What are you passionate about? Another way to ask this is, what keeps you up at night? We often overlook our passions when looking for a job, and when we do, we miss out on so much. We often feel that we are too old for a job that aligns with our passions. But, if you aren’t in a place you are passionate about, you will find it hard to be excited about work. Eventually, you will ask, “Is this all there is?”

Now, this isn’t always possible, but I’d encourage you to think about your passions in terms of values and ethics. Can you find a company that cares about what you care about? More and more companies are seeing the importance of values and ethics, which is a good thing. 

What are you wired and gifted to do? This is about understanding your personality, temperament, talents, etc. I am stunned at how few people know where they are on Meyers-Briggs, the enneagram, the working genius, etc. While those don’t tell the whole story of who you are, they tell you many things and help you understand what kind of job you are looking for. 

Do you like working alone or on a team? At home or in an office? When are you at your best during the day, does your job line up with that? Are you creative or analytical?

Knowing these things helps you make wise decisions about how you spend your days. 

Are you getting to use those gifts, passions, and wiring in your job? When you know those things about yourself, you can ask if you are getting to use those gifts, desires, and wiring. If not, can you make some changes to your current job to fit that better?

In reality, you may not get to use all of your gifts, passions, and wiring in your job. If that’s the case, that doesn’t mean you need to find a new job (although you might.) It might mean you need to find a place to volunteer and use those gifts and passions outside work. 

What opportunities do you see knowing these things about yourself? When you take all these together, you can ask, “What’s next? What opportunities are there in front of me?”

Most people do not step back to dream about what could be, which is a sad reality. But take a moment and see what opportunities are before you. What might you be overlooking in your life? If you aren’t where you want to be, what will it take to get there? How can you start moving in that direction?