Healthy relationships take work. Healthy marriages that people want to stay in don’t just happen, although we think they do. We believe two people magically work together, never fight, never have an issue or disagreement to work through, but they do.

So, where do things go wrong? How can a friendship that was working so well, a marriage that seemed so right, all of a sudden seem all wrong?

On Sunday, as we wrapped up our series The Better Half, we looked at the one thing we need to make a relationship last. 

Yes, lots of things go into a relationship, but a few things move the needle more in a relationship than other things. 

Before getting to know about those, how do relationships break down? Here are a few things I’ve noticed:

It’s too much work. Healthy relationships take a lot of work. It means being patient, listening, hearing someone out, and putting your wants and privileges aside. That’s work. We often throw in the towel on a relationship because of the work it will take. 

It hurts too much to face our past or do the hard work. As we’ll see later, almost every fight in a relationship is not about what you are fighting about. You are fighting with a past incident, a hurt you haven’t dealt with, a person you see in the person in front of you. They remind you of your dad, your mom; they said words similar to an abuser or someone you were supposed to trust. Healthy people face their past and see it redeemed in the power of Jesus. Unhealthy people use their past and stay the victim instead of finding healing. This is hard work and can be incredibly painful. In any argument, you have to ask the crucial question, “Are we fighting about this? What are we really fighting about? Who am I really fighting with?”

They’re lazy and selfish; they want the other person to do all the work and change. Just like #1, being lazy and selfish in relationships is easy. Serving, putting in the work, putting the other person’s needs and wants first take work. Often, too, we want the other person to put in the work to become a healthy person while we stay unhealthy. “I’ll hold on to that incident and bring it up whenever it suits me. I’ll remind them of my hurt instead of dealing with my hurt.” The reality is you can only change one person in a relationship, which is the one you see in the mirror. 

They think they are better than their spouse or the other person. Sometimes people are in an unhealthy relationship because they believe they are less sinful than others. They look down on them. They wouldn’t say this, but they hold the other person’s sin in contempt, thinking, “How can they not see that? Why do they struggle with that?” They turn up their noses at the thought of putting in the hard work to reconcile with a spouse or a friend. They will say it is the other person’s fault, but deep down, they are the least sinful person they know.

Confuse what reconciliation means. Reconciliation doesn’t mean you are friends with everyone. You might need to protect yourself from an abusive situation, and you may need to protect your kids as well. Reconciliation does mean that you don’t hold it against the person anymore, that you don’t bring up the past. You stop saying, “Remember…?”

So what do healthy couples and healthy people in relationships do differently?

They do many things, but here are a few:

They grow close to Jesus. This may seem obvious, but if you stray from Jesus, stop reading your Bible, feel your relationship with Jesus suffer, lots of things go wrong. Your desire to fight sin goes down. Your desire to love and serve the other person goes down. Your desire to stay pure goes down, all because of one thing. Couples who make it to the end keep God at the center of their marriage. They grow together spiritually; they take control of their spiritual lives and don’t leave it to chance. They read solid books together; they pray together; they have a plan for how they will disciple their kids (they don’t leave that to chance either.) They attend church together, are in a Christian community, and serve to use their gifts and talents. God is not some figure that appears periodically in their marriage but is who the marriage and family revolve around. For me, I think men should be asking how they can help their wives grow and become all God has called them to be. This is the outworking of growing closer to Jesus. 

They protect their marriage. This is something couples kind of stumble through. They take their vows, wear rings, but too many don’t protect themselves when it comes to their minds, hearts, and eyes. Yes, they make sure not to sleep with someone they aren’t married to, but everything else is fair game. A couple who lasts does not do that. They protect their eyes; they aren’t looking at porn; they aren’t fantasizing about that girl at work or the guy in the movie. They aren’t dreaming about their romance novel; they aren’t acting it out (even with their spouse) in their mind. They act with their spouse in mind (and only their spouse.) They make sure nothing will tear them and their spouse apart. They protect themselves while dating and preparing their hearts for their future.

This isn’t just about vows and promises, but about the priority you place on your relationship compared to other relationships. Your kids matter, and you love them, but your kids come after your marriage. One of the fastest ways to go from a great wedding to being roommates is by placing your kids above your spouse. Your kids will be gone one day, and you will have only your spouse. At this point, most couples split because they no longer need to stay together for the kids, and they have nothing in common. Don’t let that happen. This doesn’t mean you neglect your kids and do not do anything with them, but it means they come after your marriage. If you’re unsure where you stand on this, here are ten ways to know you are putting your kids in front of your marriage.

They pursue each other. Pursuit is what got you married (because you started pursuing when you dated.) Pursuit keeps a marriage healthy, and pursuit is the first thing to go out the window of most marriages. The couples who last don’t leave this to chance. They make time for their spouse; they have a yearly getaway with their spouse, weekly date nights, and they do fun things with their spouse. I’ve never had a couple who did this tell me they regretted it. I’ve had lots of couples tell me how they long for this. Here are some ideas for doing date night at home, some rules for date night, and some help for when date night falls apart.

Know that affection is the first thing to go and fight against that. Affection is what goes first—kissing when you say goodbye, holding hands, snuggling. Life is busy; you know your spouse, you have them now, your kids are climbing all over you, you are running late, tired, and want to sleep, you are worried if you snuggle, he will want sex, and you want to go to sleep. All of these things happen to couples who couldn’t keep their hands off each other at one time. Fight this. When you kiss, kiss for 5-10 seconds, throw some tongue in when you are just saying hello or goodbye. Gross your kids out. Hold hands in the car—kiss at a red light. Snuggle at night.

Don’t miss this: the amount of affection you have is one of the best barometers for where your marriage is. Show me a couple with little affection, and I will show you a couple going in opposite directions.

Healthy and growing relationships take intentionality, and they make specific choices. Otherwise, you drift into unhealthiness.

Today is Valentine’s Day. Honestly, for Katie and me, Valentine’s Day is essentially like any other day. We don’t go out to eat today because it is crazy expensive. But we also strive to have a weekly date night and check-in time with each other, which doesn’t happen on Monday.

Today is a day when we focus on love when some of us long for love that has been lost or not found yet.

We also started a new series at our church yesterday called The Better Half, where we will spend five weeks looking at how to be the better half in our most important relationships.

Over the years, Katie and I have taught in various settings on marriage and relationships; we have written countless posts about them and read many books and articles on marriage. All to make our relationship the best it can be.

So, I thought I’d share our top 10 posts we’ve ever written on marriage:

1. 11 Ways to Know You’ve Settled for a Mediocre Marriage
2. Lies We Believe About Marriage
3. 18 Things Every Husband Should Know About His Wife
4. 10 Questions You Should Ask Your Spouse Regularly (this is one of my favorite ones)
5. The One Thing Destroying Your Marriage That You Don’t Realize
6. 10 Ways to Know if You’re Putting Your Kids Before Your Spouse
7. 7 Reasons You Aren’t Communicating with your Spouse
8. When You and Your Spouse aren’t on the Same Page
9. Why Your Spouse Doesn’t Listen to You
10. Quarantine Date Night

Katie and I recently did a message on 1 Corinthians 13 in our series Fully Charged. 

It is one of the most well-known passages in the bible. It’s read at most weddings, but what is it telling us? On the one hand, it is about relationships with other people. What it looks like to relate, to have a healthy marriage, friendship, or family. It also shows us what God’s love for us is like. We see a picture of a Father in heaven who loves us in a way that is hard to fathom. But it is also about what spiritual maturity looks like. In the context, Paul says we could have all kinds of gifts, but if we don’t have love, what do we have?

I think this passage is especially important in the world we live in, where we are sheltering in place, spending more time with our family, and missing some of the community that we have built.

Dave Willis said, “We are facing a defining time for marriages. No couple will emerge from this the same as they were before. You’ll either emerge from this crisis stronger by leaning on each other or weaker by fighting with each other.” and I think that’s true. 

So what does it look like to have a healthy relationship in quarantine? Paul lists out what love is and is not.

We’ve already seen that love is patient and kind, and that love does not envy, boast, it is not prideful, dishonoring of others or self-seeking.

But two things that can destroy any relationship and they show up in most relationships is anger and being historical.

Anger is connected to patience. We get angry; however, that plays out for us when our spouse or the other person in the relationship makes us wait. They fall behind, make a mistake, don’t do what we want when we want it. 

Love isn’t easily angered. It takes a deep breath; it doesn’t lash out, mentally, verbally, emotionally, and especially physically. 

Yet, do you know who we are the harshest within relationships? Do you know who we say the worst things too? Those closest to us. Many of us will say something to those closest to us: our spouse, kids, parent, in-laws that we would never say to someone else. That isn’t loving. Yes, you are comfortable, but that isn’t showing them love and isn’t loving them the way God loves you. 

As an 8 on the enneagram, anger is my go-to emotion. And for most men, it is the only acceptable emotion, but anger often covers over our feelings of shame, fear, and vulnerability. 

I know for me, the moments I feel most vulnerable with Katie, I try to cover it up with anger. I try to hide. I’ve had to learn to ask myself, “What is my anger showing me?” That is an uncomfortable question for sure, but one that is revealing and tells me a lot. Because our feelings tell us something, and we must dig into what it is telling us. 

One way that anger shows up, especially in marriages (but any relationship), is through being historical.

You’ve probably seen this. Maybe in the house, you grew up in, a friend relationship, or even your own.

Where you keep score, who cleans up the most? Who takes the trash out? Who does what and how often they do it. Many times, we do this because we feel like we are being taken advantage of, but instead of having that conversation, we lash out in anger. 

The reality is, no relationship or marriage is 50/50. Who does more than another may change based on health, life stage, and age, needs of other family members or jobs, or school.

In many relationships, though, there is a giver and a taker. If this isn’t faced and dealt with, it can cause real pain. I’m the taker in our relationship, and Katie is the giver. In the first half of our marriage, this caused immense pain for her because of my selfishness. It was difficult for me to face it, deal with it, where it came from, and how it was affecting her and our marriage. Now, we haven’t switched roles because it is more natural for me to take, but by God’s grace, I have grown in my giving as well. And she has grown in her ability to say what she needs, which is has been an enormous blessing.

Katie and I recently did a message on 1 Corinthians 13 in our series Fully Charged. 

It is one of the most well-known passages in the bible. It’s read at most weddings, but what is it telling us? On the one hand, it is about relationships with other people. What it looks like to relate, to have a healthy marriage, friendship, or family. It also shows us what God’s love for us is like. We see a picture of a Father in heaven who loves us in a way that is hard to fathom. But it is also about what spiritual maturity looks like. In the context, Paul says we could have all kinds of gifts, but if we don’t have love, what do we have?

I think this passage is especially important in the world we live in, where we are sheltering in place, spending more time with our family, and missing some of the community that we have built.

Dave Willis said, “We are facing a defining time for marriages. No couple will emerge from this the same as they were before. You’ll either emerge from this crisis stronger by leaning on each other or weaker by fighting with each other.” and I think that’s true. 

So what does it look like to have a healthy relationship in quarantine? Paul lists out what love is and is not.

The first was patience.

The second is…Kindness.

Kindness is serving someone, helping someone, believing in someone, encouraging someone’s strengths. 

What do you do when you serve someone? You help them; you use what you are good at, your strengths to make up for their weakness. 

Kindness is giving. 

Kindness believes in someone. All of us, men and women, young and old, kids, we want to know someone believes in us. That someone is proud of us. 

In the ancient world, kindness could also refer to affection. When we first start dating someone, we shower that person with kindness. We go out of our way to serve them, compliment them, shower them with gifts, affection, but as a relationship grows and gets older, that can begin to diminish. 

Think about it: do you know what one of the first things to happen in a relationship is? Affection. Do you know what leaves a marriage first? Affection. 

Katie and I often tell couples: Affection is the barometer of your marriage.

Now, for men, when we think of affection, we often think of sex. But affection is very much like kindness. It is caring, reaching out, giving a hug, a compliment, holding the hand of your spouse.

This shows up in love when we do it without any hope of receiving something.

Often, kindness disappears in a relationship because the other spouse isn’t reciprocating the way we’d like. Many of us are fearful of going first and breaking the cycle that couples get stuck in. But kindness can soften the heart of the other person, especially when there is nothing underneath it, no motivation outside of wanting to love the other person.

Almost all marriage problems go back to communication. One person not saying what they want/need or the other person is not listening.

What is most interesting to me is how we often struggle to know what we even want in a relationship; what we need from the other person. I know for Katie and me, many times frustration sets in because I either don’t know what I want or need, or sometimes I’m afraid to ask for it because I don’t want to be a burden, but also because I’m worried she might say no.

So, instead of stating a need or desire, we settle for less in a relationship.

Dr. John Gottman, in his excellent book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert, says four things destroy relationships. He calls them The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse. As I walk through these, listen to which one is your go-to move in relationships, cause you have one.

1. Criticism. Complaint and criticism are different. A complaint is, “I’m frustrated you didn’t put away your clothes last night.” A criticism is, “Why are you so forgetful? I hate having to pick up after you all the time. You don’t care.”

Two words go with criticism: always and never. You always. You never.

Or by asking, “what is wrong with you?”

Why can’t you remember anything? Why can’t I count on you? Why are you always so selfish? What is wrong with you? What is your problem?

When we criticize a child, spouse, or friend, we are demeaning them and elevating ourselves.

What this also brings into the relationship is shame and shame is a powerful tool in relationships.

2. Contempt. The second horseman comes right after criticism and is contempt.

This is a sense of superiority over the other person and comes through as a form of disrespect.

This will show up in cynicism, sarcasm, mocking, eye rolls.

This shows up when it comes to time management, parenting skills, in-laws, handling money, almost any skill that someone thinks they’re better than the other.

According to Gottman, “Studies show this doesn’t just destroy your relationship, but couples that are contemptuous towards each other are more likely to get sick.”

3. Defensiveness. Defensiveness is a way of blaming your spouse, child, or co-worker.

It is saying, “the problem isn’t me; it’s you.”

Things you’ll say are: “why are you picking on me? Everyone is against me? What about all the good things I do? You never appreciate me. There’s no pleasing you.”

Have you ever noticed that the more someone gets defensive in a relationship, the more the other person attacks that person?

This does something else when a problem arises in a relationship. Defensiveness keeps me from having to deal with it. As long as the problem is “out there” or “someone else’s fault,” I don’t have to do anything about it.

4. Stonewalling. This one is powerful in relationships, but not in a good way.

This is when you disengage. You ignore. You walk out of the room while the other person is talking. They don’t respond in a conversation; they are silent.

Stonewalling communicates that you couldn’t care less about the relationship or situation.

Stonewalling is a power move.

While men and women stone wall, studies show men more often do this.

I think for several reasons, but one is that they saw it done growing up, and men are afraid of engaging emotions in relationships.

I’ve learned in our marriage; if I want to hurt Katie deeply, I need to walk out of the room during an argument.

Do you know what they all have in common? This is important and easy to miss.

They are moves to protect ourselves in relationships. They are power moves to get what we want. But they are also how we seek to belong and find intimacy in unhealthy ways.