Category Archives: Healthy Marriage

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In Honor of Valentine’s Day

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Photo by Deepak Gupta on Unsplash

Today is Valentine’s Day. For Katie and me, Valentine’s Day is like any other day. We don’t go out to eat today because it is crazy expensive. However, we also strive to have a weekly date night and check-in time with each other.

Today is a day when we focus on love, and some of us long for love that has been lost or has yet to be found. Our church is in the middle of a series on that very topic!

Over the years, Katie and I have taught in various settings about marriage and relationships. We have also written countless posts about them and read many books and articles on marriage to improve our relationship.

10 articles to help strengthen your marriage.

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So, I thought I’d share our top 10 posts we’ve ever written on marriage:

  1. 11 Ways to Know You’ve Settled for a Mediocre Marriage
  2. Lies We Believe About Marriage
  3. 18 Things Every Husband Should Know About His Wife
  4. 10 Questions You Should Ask Your Spouse Regularly (this is one of my favorite ones)
  5. The One Thing Destroying Your Marriage That You Don’t Realize
  6. 10 Ways to Know if You’re Putting Your Kids Before Your Spouse
  7. 7 Reasons You Aren’t Communicating with Your Spouse
  8. How to Make Date Night @ Home Great!
  9. 6 Ways to Make Your Marriage Refreshing
  10. The 3 Things at the Root of Most Marital Problems
10 marriage posts for Valentine’s Day.

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One Way Pastors Harm Their Marriages

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Photo by Thiago Barletta on Unsplash

Have you ever noticed that it is sometimes easier to be more open about your marriage or an area of your life with someone other than your spouse? Sometimes, venting about something on social media or to a friend or co-worker is easier than to your spouse.

Pastors do this, too.

One of the things people love in a sermon is when a pastor is open and vulnerable when they talk about their life. When they share their struggles, what they are learning, and how God is moving in their life.

Some pastors struggle with this. How much to share, when to share, what to share.

Many pastors love doing this, though.

Why?

Because people feel connected to us, and we feel connected to them. It creates conversations and connections through the act of preaching. 

Pastors also like it because it puts the spotlight on us, a battle many pastors fight against. 

The reality is that people like to talk about themselves, even if it is a struggle or a hurt in the past. 

Pastors are no different in this struggle.

Here is where many pastors then rob their marriages.

This doesn’t happen intentionally.

Pastors can be more open in their sermons than in their marriages.

Pastors can be more open in their sermons than in their marriages.

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I remember that after one sermon years ago, everything clicked, and it was a great sermon. I shared some things, and I could feel the room connecting. Everything went great that day. Afterward, Katie said, “I never knew that stuff.”

She was right. I was more open in a sermon than with her.

It’s easy to do, and many wives know the feeling of sitting in church and hearing their husband share something for the first time, thinking, “I wish he had told me that before.” Not because they are embarrassed but because they want to be close to their husband. They want the same vulnerability in their marriage, as he shows on stage in a sermon.

You should be more vulnerable in your marriage than in a sermon.

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The Power of Sex, Love and Intimacy in our Lives

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Photo by Jez Timms on Unsplash

As we’ve been going through this series, we’ve repeatedly seen the power of intimacy and our longing to be known, loved, and cared for, so much so that we will go to great lengths to experience this in relationships. 

We will go to great lengths to be known, loved, and cared for.

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The reason is simple: we were created to be known, loved, and cared for. 

Yet, because of Genesis 3 and the brokenness of the world around us and inside us, many of our attempts to be known, loved, and cared for have led to some of our deepest regrets. 

Many of our attempts to be known, loved, and cared for have led to some of our deepest regrets.

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Many times in our lives, we underestimate the power of sexuality, ours, and those around us. We underestimate our desires, longings, addictions, and past sexual histories.

When you read Scripture, you see that we are created for relationships, for intimacy. We are created for knowing, and we long for that. Yet, our culture has connected sex, love, and intimacy and made it a big mess.

You can be intimate with someone without having sex. You can have sex with someone without being intimate.

Sex, love, and intimacy aren’t the same things.

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This confusion has led many to seek intimacy in places we can’t find.

This confusion comes from a couple of places. Culture, friends, our family of origin and how they navigated the topic of sex, porn, movies, and even the church. 

On Sunday, I shared 7 lies that we often believe about sex and intimacy. Here are a few of them: 

Our culture tells us that sex is just physical. On the surface, this sounds right. But deep down, we know that sex is more than just physical. We know that something more is going on.

This is why we struggle to tell our spouse about our sexual past and how many people we’ve slept with; we struggle to let go of the shame of abortion, sexual abuse, or addiction. 

This is why whenever I meet with someone and they ask me, “Can I tell you something I’ve never told anyone?” almost 100% of the time, it is sexual.

Because sex is never just physical; there is something deeper happening within our souls when it comes to our sexuality and longings. 

Pastor Tim Keller talks about this when he points out what Paul was talking about in 1 Corinthians 6:18: Why would Paul instruct his Christian audience to “flee” from immorality? Here’s why: All other sins a person commits . . . Sexual sin is like no other sin. Paul puts sexual sin in a category all by itself. “All other sins . . .” Here’s the second part: All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.

One of the lies the church tells us about sex is if you wait until you are married to have sex, God will reward you with mind-blowing sex and a magical wedding night.

I was told this again and again as a student in church. This was the message for every true love waits event, every purity ring event. It is well intended. But connected to this is another lie, and that is, when you get married, you will be able to fully express yourself sexually without guilt and shame.

Why talk about lies and what influences us?

We often underestimate the power of the stories we carry. We rarely step back and ask if what we’ve been told and what we believe is true or not. 

To experience the full scope of what God desires for us when it comes to our sexuality, we have to look at the impact of what we carry and have experienced. Only then can we bring those things before the throne of Jesus and find forgiveness and freedom. 

We see the couple in Song of Songs 4 experience this complete freedom in their relationship. They are completely safe with each other and don’t hold back in their relationship. They exemplify what Daniel Akin says about marriage, “A Christ-centered marriage always has two givers. There is not a giver and a taker or two takers. The husband gives himself without reserve to his wife. She, in return, is set free to give herself without reservation or hesitation. This is the beauty and glory of a redeemed, Christ-centered marriage.”

What might this look like practically? Here are some thoughts: 

Face your story. What have you walked through relationally and sexually? You should connect with a counselor to help you unpack the layers of this and its impact on your life and relationships. 

Protect yourself and your marriage or future marriage. If you are single, protect your heart, mind, and body. Save yourself for your spouse. I’ve never met someone who regretted protecting themselves before marriage, but I’ve met many people who wish they had.

Couples, protect your marriage, protect your eyes, serve each other.

Compliment each other often.

Pursue each other. Be playful and flirting, no matter what age you are. 

Think about how to be attractive to your spouse. This is not just about a wife being attractive; dress in ways that entice your spouse and say, “I’ve thought of you by putting this on.” This means trying. You should go through your drawers regularly and get rid of clothes the other doesn’t like or that don’t fit anymore or smell a little bit. 

Instead of pulling away, risk the difficult conversation. Drifting in relationships doesn’t take any effort. But when we drift, there is always a reason we are pulling away, and so we need to ask, “Why? What is going on?”

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18 Things Every Husband Should About His Wife

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Photo by Becca Tapert on Unsplash

Throughout this series, I’ve discussed the differences between men and women and husbands and wives. Each has different roles in a marriage, some of which depend on personalities, the life stage of the family, and talents. 

In Song of Songs 2 and throughout the New Testament, the husband is tasked with pursuing his wife. In the same way that Christ loves and pursues the church (Ephesians 5). This doesn’t mean a wife doesn’t pursue her husband; she should. But the path to a woman’s heart is through pursuit. 

The path to a woman’s heart is through pursuit.

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When men hear the idea of pursuit, they often think of date nights, gifts, and sex. And while that may be a part of it, that is a small fraction of what I’m talking about and what she longs for. 

Before discussing what this might look like, let me provide you with a grid to help you think through it. 

Here’s a simple question I’ve used to evaluate my heart and how I’m doing as a husband toward Katie: Is your wife more alive in her identity in Jesus because she’s married to you? Ephesians 5 is all about coming alive to your identity in Jesus. Your wife is a gift from God that you will present to God and give an account for. So, is she more alive in her identity in Jesus because she’s married to you?

Is your wife more alive in her identity in Jesus because she’s married to you?

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Many men struggle because they try to do things they think their wife wants or need in their marriage. If they asked and were a student of their spouse, they might learn what she wants. You know this feeling if you have ever felt mystified in your marriage or felt like two ships passing in the night. 

Below are some questions to which every husband should know the answer at any point about his wife (note: your wife is not a static object, so the answer may change yearly, monthly, and maybe daily!).

Ask if you don’t know the answer; she would love to tell you.

While these questions are directed at a husband toward his wife, here are some questions a couple should ask each other regularly (perfect for your next date night).

18 questions every husband should know about his wife.

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Know Your Wife

A husband should know his wife better than anyone else. He should know her likes and dislikes, what excites and disappoints her, her story, hopes, and dreams. He should also know what she likes regarding romance, affection, and the bedroom and strive to serve her in those areas, not for what he can get but because of what God calls him to.

Here are some questions to help with this:

  1. What foods does she like, what are her hobbies, and how does she relieve stress?
  2. What hopes and dreams does she have? How can you help her accomplish them?
  3. How is your wife doing right now?
  4. What is romantic to your wife?
  5. What gets your wife in the mood? What turns her off sexually?
  6. What does your wife like in the bedroom? What does she dislike?

Do you know your wife better than anyone else?

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Understand Your Wife

1 Peter 3:7 calls for a husband to live with their wife in an understanding way, but to do that, you have to understand your wife. This goes closely with knowing your wife, but as her life changes, the kids age and move out, this will change regularly. A husband’s job is to stay on top of these things and know what is happening in his wife’s heart, mind, and soul.

Here are some questions to help with this:

  1. Is your wife flourishing right now?
  2. When is she most productive?
  3. How much sleep does she need?
  4. What does she need right now in the stage of life you are in to alleviate stress?
  5. How is she doing on cultivating friendships with other women?
  6. What areas is she hoping to grow spiritually (i.e., parenting, theology, spiritual practices)? How can you help her? What books can you buy her to read (hint: women read more than men)? 

Ever feel confused by your wife? Here are six ways to understand your wife.

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Honor Your Wife

Many men speak to their wives and treat her like one of the guys. She is not; she is more special than any car, boat, possession, child, or career. She is your most precious relationship, a gift from God. Treat her as such. Honor is a basic tenet of manhood. Let me say another way: if you don’t honor your wife, you are a child, not a man.

6 ways to know if you are honoring your wife.

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Here are some questions to help with this:

  1. Are you respectful to your wife in private and public when you talk to her and about her?
  2. Do you allow your kids to speak disrespectfully to your wife?
  3. Does the way you talk about your wife demand that others look at her in a positive light?
  4. Do you talk about her and look at her so others will look up to her?
  5. If I spent 10 minutes listening to you talk about your wife, would I know she is your most important human relationship?
  6. Do you pursue her daily, weekly, and yearly? Do you plan weekly date nights that show your love and attention to her?

18 ways to communicate love to your wife.

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6 Ways to Make Your Marriage Refreshing

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All married couples long for their marriage to be refreshing. To be a place of safety, comfort, love, and peace. Yet, many couples do things that break this environment or, at the least, keep this from being what their marriage is all about.

They might not do it intentionally. Sometimes, we sabotage things that feel too good to be true.

There is a beautiful picture of what a marriage should be like in Song of Solomon 1:14. The woman compares their relationship to En Gedi. En Gedi is an oasis in the desert near the Dead Sea. Out of nowhere, this oasis springs up with lush trees, plants, water, and even a waterfall.

Yet, this is not what most relationships and marriages are like. Most marriages are filled with stress, pain, nagging, hurtful words, anger, outbursts, and even abuse.

It doesn’t have to be this way, and couples don’t get married to live in the desert; they get married hoping for the oasis. But how do you make the trip?

6 Ways to Make your Marriage Refreshing.

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Here are six simple ways to get there:

1. Stop nagging. Many couples nag at each other, put each other down, get on each other’s cases, and are mean to each other. This creates an environment no one wants to be in, a family working against itself. This isn’t rocket science, yet many couples nag and make fun of each other to accomplish something. When a couple does this, they will say that they are trying to get something done (a project, their spouse to change, wake their spouse up), but what is happening is pushing them away. Every time nagging occurs in a relationship, it comes from a place of brokenness. Sometimes, nagging comes from a place of disappointment, either in yourself, your spouse, or even where you thought your life and marriage would be at this point. Sometimes, you must grieve that things aren’t going as expected and learn to move forward, but that’s another post.

Nagging in relationships comes from a place of brokenness.

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2. Start talking. One of the best ways to make your marriage refreshing is talking. Opening up to your hopes, dreams, and disappointments, and sharing your past, your hurts, and your joys. Many couples who are in marriages that are not refreshing find themselves keeping things bottled up or opening up more to someone they aren’t married to than they do to their spouse. Your spouse should know more about you than anyone else. Always.

3. Start serving. If you look at couples in refreshing marriages, an oasis in the desert, you will see two people striving to outserve the other. One simple question to ask your spouse is, “What can I do to make your life easier or less stressful? How can I help you?” I asked Katie about this years ago, and her answer surprised me. She said, “Make sure the kitchen is clean before bed.” That wasn’t what I expected, but if that didn’t happen, we all got up the next day and felt behind or maybe had to finish cleaning something up that could’ve been done the night before. Here are a few other questions to ask your spouse regularly to work as one.

Happy marriage secret: Outserve your spouse.

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4. Start pursuing. What made you want to get married was pursuit. You did things together, couldn’t wait to see each other, and planned date nights and trips. You pursued your future spouse, which is one reason they became your current spouse. Along the way, the pursuit ended. Pursuing your spouse is one of the fastest ways to create a refreshing marriage. Plan date nights (they don’t have to be expensive), do things the other one likes (even if you hate it), participate in hobbies together (even if you don’t like the hobby), and lastly, pursue each other sexually. Husband and wife should initiate affection and sex regularly. As I discussed earlier in this series, long kisses are essential to any marriage.

1 thing every married couple needs to stop and 5 things you need to start.

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5. Start believing. Couples who have a refreshing marriage believe in each other. They believe in the best, hope for the best, believe in their spouse’s dreams, and encourage them to pursue them. A refreshing marriage is one where you never have to say, “Don’t you want to have? Don’t you want me to pursue my dreams?” A marriage stuck in the desert has those conversations. Remember, #3? This comes from a place of serving, and when you’re serving, you are willing to put your dreams on hold, if necessary, instead of fighting for them.

6. Start setting up. A refreshing marriage is one where spouses try to help the other succeed. They ask, “How can I set my spouse up for success? How can I make them look good to others? How can I help them reach their goals?” A desert couple says, “What about me and my dreams? Who’s setting me up?” A desert couple doesn’t fight for oneness but for themselves.

An unhappy couple doesn’t fight for oneness but for themselves.

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The reality is that even though every couple wants a marriage in the oasis, we will often choose the desert. It is what we know; it is easier, less work, and honestly, the desert allows us to be selfish.

Don’t buy it, though. No one lives very long in the desert.

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20 Things I’ve Learned About Marriage after 20 Years

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Today, Katie and I celebrate 20 years of marriage.

It is hard to believe that 20 years ago, on a cold and cloudy day in Pennsylvania, we said, “I do.”

We have been through a lot over the years. We have moved to multiple states, started a church, adopted two kids, and moved across the country to start a new adventure.

As we sat together last night and reflected on the years, we have learned a lot and seen a lot.

I thought I’d share 20 things I’ve learned over the 20 years:

20 things I’ve learned about marriage after being married for 20 years.

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Love is a choice. Yes, love is an emotion, to a degree. But love is first a choice. You choose to love the other person. You decide to love yourself.

There are many mornings when you wake up, and you don’t feel love for yourself or your spouse, but you choose to love them. Your spouse will hurt you and let you down and miss things; you will do the same to them. But decide to love them, the person they are, not the person you imagined you were marrying (because they do change over time, more on that later!).

Your story catches up to you. At some point in your mid-life, your story catches up to you. All the things said and done to you, all the scars and wounds you carry catch up to you. We spend a lot of our lives trying to pretend they aren’t there or running from them. Vulnerability and intimacy have a way of bringing those scars out.

Decide you will last. This might seem obvious, although many of this list might be obvious.

But a mentor told me once, “Josh, decide you will make it to the end in marriage and that nothing will stop that.” Marriage has incredible moments, moments, unlike any other relationship. But it also has some incredibly dark and challenging moments. Decide that you will make it “til death do us part.“

Choose your spouse over everything. There will be many opportunities to choose something or someone over your spouse: your parents, a job, a child, a hobby. Don’t. This doesn’t mean you don’t love your kids or parents, but you always choose your spouse over everyone (apart from Jesus) and everything else. And yes, your kids are not the center of your marriage; they will leave one day.

Set your rules. Every couple has rules, some written down and some unwritten.

Some of our rules are: we share our passwords to every computer, calendar, phone, email, and social media account with the other person (I always joke that Katie could make me disappear online).

We never make fun of the other person. Ever.

We share our bank accounts.

There are more, but you get the idea. Set your rules as a couple and stick to them.

20 marriage lessons

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Don’t stop learning about your spouse. It is easy to think you know everything about your spouse, but there’s a chance you don’t. So, ask questions, and be curious. Learn with them. Grow together, do things they enjoy that might take you out of your comfort zone. If you need a place to start, try this.

You also need to understand that there is a good chance you married your opposite. This is what drew you together but can also pull you apart if you aren’t careful. It is important to know your spouse’s personality, how they get life, what drains them of energy, and how they respond to stress, if they are verbal or mental processors (usually opposites in marriage). 

Be a student of them. 

The highlights you see online don’t tell the whole story. It is easy to compare your real life to the imagined life on Instagram, but it will steal your joy if you do.

The highlight reel you see online is not the whole story. You don’t see that couple fight, clean their house or pick out paint colors.

Guard your heart and mind as you look at what other people post and what others say. We aren’t honest with many people, and in that, it can be easy to think others have it so much better than we do.

Belief in your spouse is powerful. One of the greatest gifts Katie has given me is her belief in me. She has sat on the front row of so many sermons, sacrificed to see me reach goals and do what God has called me to do. Her belief in my skills and abilities has given me the courage to go further than I would on my own.

That is powerful.

The flip side is also true. When a spouse doesn’t believe in the other person, that is also powerful. We carry a lot of power in our words to bless and harm.

Your words are one of the most powerful things you have in a marriage.

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Know who does what and encourage the other person. One of the most important things in a marriage is figuring out who will do what. Most people get married and assume that what their parents did is what they’ll do (or the exact opposite). This takes some negotiating together and a lot of grace.

But learn what you do well in your marriage and life.

Then encourage them to go after it.

Don’t stop complimenting them. It is easy to stop praising your spouse and not know it. It is easy to stop saying thank you to your spouse and not know it. 

Life gets busy, you’ve seen your spouse in all kinds of situations, and you think, “They know I love them and appreciate them.” And for some of us, compliments don’t mean as much. 

But compliment them. Thank them for the little things they do. I always marvel at all the things in my life that get done without me doing them; those are Katie. I can take them for granted (which I do too often), or I can thank her and acknowledge what she does. 

Purity matters…a lot. This might seem obvious, but this still makes the list. 

It is easy for men and women not to be pure somehow, but not having purity in your marriage is incredibly harmful. This isn’t just sexual but also emotional, mental, and relational. 

Keep yourself pure and make sure that you are growing closer to your spouse, not someone else. 

Set up boundaries for this, and talk about what you need to stay connected sexually, emotionally, relationally, mentally, and spiritually. And yes, you should know what those things are for each other. 

Know what season of life you are in. This is a whole post in itself. Know where you are in life. Know what you can handle physically and emotionally, how much energy you have, if you are doing internal work with a counselor, starting a business, etc. 

We’re in our 40s, so there are things we did in our 20s that we can’t do now. I need more sleep now than I got in my 20s. 

Every season is different. When we moved to Massachusetts, we immediately felt like we hit a new season of parenting, having almost four teenagers. And we did. So, we sat down to talk through what this season meant, what we have the capacity for, how that impacts our rhythms and needs, and how we flourish in it. 

Know what season of life and marriage you are in and live in that season.

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Get counseling and mentors. I know in some Christian circles that counseling can have a stigma to it, and that’s too bad. Almost everyone should be meeting with some counselor or spiritual director. The benefits we have received from solid Christian counseling are immense and life/marriage-saving. 

To have someone who will ask hard questions and point the finger at places I need to deal with has been a godsend. Not easy or always pleasant, but a godsend. 

Don’t wait until you need counseling to find a counselor. 

For mentors, look for a couple that is further along than you are, who has a marriage or something about their marriage or parenting you want to emulate. Then spend time with them. We are picking the brains of empty nesters, trying to discern what it looks like between now and then, and navigating the teen years. 

Pray together. We aren’t pros at this, and many nights, we fall asleep without praying together, but when we miss a day, we get back to it the next day. 

Pray together at meals, when you face big and small decisions, when you feel lost or stuck. Share with your spouse what you need prayer for and ask how you can pray for them. 

Prayer requests are a great way to see into the heart and struggles of your spouse. 

Laughter matters…a lot. Marry someone you have fun with and who makes you laugh. 

Katie always keeps me on my toes; she is more fun than I am and more spontaneous. And she is a blast to be around. 

For me, God knew I needed someone who would help me to laugh because I am so serious. 

Lead your wife. Husbands, one of your jobs is to lead your wife spiritually. Ephesians 5 says that you will present your wife to Jesus one day. 

Throughout the years, I have listened to Katie as she shares what she is going through and then bought her books to help her along life’s paths—finding opportunities to grow professionally and personally. 

One of my goals is that Katie will be able to say she is better for having been married to me. 

Date nights and getaways. Never stop pursuing and dating your spouse. Buy them gifts, surprise them with things, and have a weekly date night and getaway each year. 

None of that has to be extravagant; it could be as simple as sitting together at a coffee shop or shopping together. But make plans and follow through on them. 

Dream together. On our honeymoon, we talked and dreamed about what life would be like. Some of that came true. Some didn’t.

At the beginning of covid, we both did Paterson Life Plans, and it was incredibly clarifying. It helped us name this decade our “launch decade” as we prepare to launch five healthy, mature adults who love Jesus (our goal). We also talked and dreamed about what life and ministry will look like as empty nesters and how to prepare for that.

Make time to dream together.

The power of dreaming together as a married couple.

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Be a great servant lover. It is easy to be a selfish lover, to look out for your physical needs over the other person.

This is a great way to ensure you end up in a frigid marriage. 

Ask your spouse what they like and don’t like physically. And know that throughout your life, this will change. This is impacted not only by health and age but also by things your spouse is going through or what your kids are going through and your energy. 

Be kind, soft, and compassionate to the other person and yourself. 

And lastly, this is a big one:

Affection is the barometer of your marriage. I had a guy tell me recently that this isn’t true. 

But I stick by this. 

If you want to know the health of your marriage, look at your affection. 

And affection is not the same thing as sex. Affection is pursuit, kindness, holding hands, hugging, kissing hello or goodbye, saying kind things to the other person, sitting close to the other person, and serving them. All of those things go into affection. 

Affection is also the first thing to go in a marriage when life gets busy, or we start to feel distant. Slowly, you don’t sit close to the other person; you don’t pick them up something from Starbucks when you’re out; you don’t get what they like at the grocery store. 

That’s affection. 

One of the things we are constantly watching is our affection. 

There are a lot of other lessons over the years, but those are the twenty things I’ve learned. 

20 thoughts about marriage.

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The Key to Relationships that Last

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man and woman holding hands

Healthy relationships take work. Healthy marriages that people want to stay in don’t just happen, although we think they do. We believe two people magically work together, never fight, never have an issue or disagreement to work through, but they do.

So, where do things go wrong? How can a friendship that was working so well, a marriage that seemed so right, all of a sudden seem all wrong?

On Sunday, as we wrapped up our series The Better Half, we looked at the one thing we need to make a relationship last. 

Yes, lots of things go into a relationship, but a few things move the needle more in a relationship than other things. 

Before getting to know about those, how do relationships break down? Here are a few things I’ve noticed:

5 reasons marriages stop working.

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It’s too much work. Healthy relationships take a lot of work. It means being patient, listening, hearing someone out, and putting your wants and privileges aside. That’s work. We often throw in the towel on a relationship because of the work it will take. 

It hurts too much to face our past or do the hard work. As we’ll see later, almost every fight in a relationship is not about what you are fighting about. You are fighting with a past incident, a hurt you haven’t dealt with, a person you see in the person in front of you. They remind you of your dad, your mom; they said words similar to an abuser or someone you were supposed to trust. Healthy people face their past and see it redeemed in the power of Jesus. Unhealthy people use their past and stay the victim instead of finding healing. This is hard work and can be incredibly painful. In any argument, you have to ask the crucial question, “Are we fighting about this? What are we really fighting about? Who am I really fighting with?”

They’re lazy and selfish; they want the other person to do all the work and change. Just like #1, being lazy and selfish in relationships is easy. Serving, putting in the work, putting the other person’s needs and wants first take work. Often, too, we want the other person to put in the work to become a healthy person while we stay unhealthy. “I’ll hold on to that incident and bring it up whenever it suits me. I’ll remind them of my hurt instead of dealing with my hurt.” The reality is you can only change one person in a relationship, which is the one you see in the mirror. 

They think they are better than their spouse or the other person. Sometimes people are in an unhealthy relationship because they believe they are less sinful than others. They look down on them. They wouldn’t say this, but they hold the other person’s sin in contempt, thinking, “How can they not see that? Why do they struggle with that?” They turn up their noses at the thought of putting in the hard work to reconcile with a spouse or a friend. They will say it is the other person’s fault, but deep down, they are the least sinful person they know.

Confuse what reconciliation means. Reconciliation doesn’t mean you are friends with everyone. You might need to protect yourself from an abusive situation, and you may need to protect your kids as well. Reconciliation does mean that you don’t hold it against the person anymore, that you don’t bring up the past. You stop saying, “Remember…?”

5 things that hurt a marriage.

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So what do healthy couples and healthy people in relationships do differently?

They do many things, but here are a few:

They grow close to Jesus. This may seem obvious, but if you stray from Jesus, stop reading your Bible, feel your relationship with Jesus suffer, lots of things go wrong. Your desire to fight sin goes down. Your desire to love and serve the other person goes down. Your desire to stay pure goes down, all because of one thing. Couples who make it to the end keep God at the center of their marriage. They grow together spiritually; they take control of their spiritual lives and don’t leave it to chance. They read solid books together; they pray together; they have a plan for how they will disciple their kids (they don’t leave that to chance either.) They attend church together, are in a Christian community, and serve to use their gifts and talents. God is not some figure that appears periodically in their marriage but is who the marriage and family revolve around. For me, I think men should be asking how they can help their wives grow and become all God has called them to be. This is the outworking of growing closer to Jesus. 

They protect their marriage. This is something couples kind of stumble through. They take their vows, wear rings, but too many don’t protect themselves when it comes to their minds, hearts, and eyes. Yes, they make sure not to sleep with someone they aren’t married to, but everything else is fair game. A couple who lasts does not do that. They protect their eyes; they aren’t looking at porn; they aren’t fantasizing about that girl at work or the guy in the movie. They aren’t dreaming about their romance novel; they aren’t acting it out (even with their spouse) in their mind. They act with their spouse in mind (and only their spouse.) They make sure nothing will tear them and their spouse apart. They protect themselves while dating and preparing their hearts for their future.

This isn’t just about vows and promises, but about the priority you place on your relationship compared to other relationships. Your kids matter, and you love them, but your kids come after your marriage. One of the fastest ways to go from a great wedding to being roommates is by placing your kids above your spouse. Your kids will be gone one day, and you will have only your spouse. At this point, most couples split because they no longer need to stay together for the kids, and they have nothing in common. Don’t let that happen. This doesn’t mean you neglect your kids and do not do anything with them, but it means they come after your marriage. If you’re unsure where you stand on this, here are ten ways to know you are putting your kids in front of your marriage.

They pursue each other. Pursuit is what got you married (because you started pursuing when you dated.) Pursuit keeps a marriage healthy, and pursuit is the first thing to go out the window of most marriages. The couples who last don’t leave this to chance. They make time for their spouse; they have a yearly getaway with their spouse, weekly date nights, and they do fun things with their spouse. I’ve never had a couple who did this tell me they regretted it. I’ve had lots of couples tell me how they long for this. Here are some ideas for doing date night at home, some rules for date night, and some help for when date night falls apart.

Know that affection is the first thing to go and fight against that. Affection is what goes first—kissing when you say goodbye, holding hands, snuggling. Life is busy; you know your spouse, you have them now, your kids are climbing all over you, you are running late, tired, and want to sleep, you are worried if you snuggle, he will want sex, and you want to go to sleep. All of these things happen to couples who couldn’t keep their hands off each other at one time. Fight this. When you kiss, kiss for 5-10 seconds, throw some tongue in when you are just saying hello or goodbye. Gross your kids out. Hold hands in the car—kiss at a red light. Snuggle at night.

Don’t miss this: the amount of affection you have is one of the best barometers for where your marriage is. Show me a couple with little affection, and I will show you a couple going in opposite directions.

3 Things that Make a Great Marriage.

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Healthy and growing relationships take intentionality, and they make specific choices. Otherwise, you drift into unhealthiness.

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In Honor of Valentine’s Day

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Today is Valentine’s Day. Honestly, for Katie and me, Valentine’s Day is essentially like any other day. We don’t go out to eat today because it is crazy expensive. But we also strive to have a weekly date night and check-in time with each other, which doesn’t happen on Monday.

Today is a day when we focus on love when some of us long for love that has been lost or not found yet.

We also started a new series at our church yesterday called The Better Half, where we will spend five weeks looking at how to be the better half in our most important relationships.

Over the years, Katie and I have taught in various settings on marriage and relationships; we have written countless posts about them and read many books and articles on marriage. All to make our relationship the best it can be.

10 articles to help strengthen your marriage.

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So, I thought I’d share our top 10 posts we’ve ever written on marriage:

  1. 11 Ways to Know You’ve Settled for a Mediocre Marriage
  2. Lies We Believe About Marriage
  3. 18 Things Every Husband Should Know About His Wife
  4. 10 Questions You Should Ask Your Spouse Regularly (this is one of my favorite ones)
  5. The One Thing Destroying Your Marriage That You Don’t Realize
  6. 10 Ways to Know if You’re Putting Your Kids Before Your Spouse
  7. 7 Reasons You Aren’t Communicating with your Spouse
  8. When You and Your Spouse aren’t on the Same Page
  9. Why Your Spouse Doesn’t Listen to You
  10. Quarantine Date Night
10 marriage posts for Valentine’s Day.

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Making Date Night at Home Great

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Covid and quarantine have made everything challenging, but I think one of the biggest challenges is how to keep the romance alive in your marriage.

If that is something you are finding a challenge, or maybe you aren’t comfortable going out for dinner or having someone in your house to babysit your kids, here are some ideas on keeping that romance alive while you are at home.

7 ways to make date night special on a budget.

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  1. Have a plan. Nothing hurts date night more than having no plan. In the same way that you plan going out, plan what it will look like at home. What will you eat, who is doing what, what time will things get started? Decide those things ahead of time. You may have to be more intentional about the plan for date night at home because you are at home.
  2. Get dressed up. Don’t get into your pajama pants. Nothing shuts your brain down more at the end of a long day like getting into comfortable clothes. Wear what you would wear if you were going out.
  3. No electronics. The fastest way to kill most date nights is turning on the TV, no checking out Facebook or Twitter or your email. Concentrate on each other if you decide together to watch a show or movie, great but make sure that it is part of the plan.
  4. Plan a fun meal. It doesn’t have to be expensive or a feast, but something special. Something you wouldn’t normally eat. Katie and I love to try new recipes, so we’re always searching. There are so many blogs and ideas out there.
  5. Eat with your kids. At home, we do an appetizer while our kids eat so that we can still eat dinner with them, talk with them about their day, and it helps to hold us over until we eat.
  6. Know who will cook and who will put the kids down. It might be more relaxing for your wife to cook. She may want you to handle the kids or vice versa. Whatever it is, communicate that and stick to it.
  7. Pick a night you are awake for. There are certain nights you are more alert and awake than others. Find that night and do date night on that night. If you have a long day on Tuesday, don’t do date night that night. Maximize the night where your energy levels are highest. I find knowing which night date night will help me to be mentally prepared for it.
7 ways to make a date night at home a success.

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Bottom line, don’t let your romance fizzle out during this season.

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Why Love is So Important in Relationships [Especially in Quarantine]

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Katie and I recently did a message on 1 Corinthians 13 in our series Fully Charged. 

It is one of the most well-known passages in the bible. It’s read at most weddings, but what is it telling us? On the one hand, it is about relationships with other people. What it looks like to relate, to have a healthy marriage, friendship, or family. It also shows us what God’s love for us is like towards us. We see a picture of a Father in heaven who loves us in a way that is hard to fathom. But it is also about what spiritual maturity looks like for the follower of Jesus. In the context, Paul says we could have all kinds of gifts, but if we don’t have love, what do we have?

I think this passage is especially important in the world we live in, where we are sheltering in place, spending more time with our family, and missing some of the community that we have built.

Dave Willis said, “We are facing a defining time for marriages. No couple will emerge from this the same as they were before. You’ll either emerge from this crisis stronger by leaning on each other or weaker by fighting with each other.” and I think that’s true. 

So what does it look like to have a healthy relationship in quarantine? Paul lists out what love is and is not.

We’ve already seen that love is patient and kind, and that love does not envy, boast, it is not prideful, dishonoring of others or self-seeking, and how anger and being historical show up in relationships.

But how does it show up in relationships, and why is it so important? Especially in quarantine.

At the end of 1 Corinthians 13, we’re told what love does, and I think, what makes love so powerful in our lives:

Love protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres, and never fails. 

Love protects. We often think of protecting in love as someone standing up for someone or keeping harm from happening, and it is that. It is also protecting your heart, your mind, your desires for love. 

Do you protect your calendar for your most important relationships?

Do you protect your eyes, mind, and keep up the fight against lust so that you can experience all that love has to offer?

Do you face the pain and scars you carry so that they don’t wreak havoc on your most important relationships?

Protection is so much bigger than what we make it out to be, and the reason that many of us don’t face our past is that it is painful.

Love trusts. Many of us struggle to trust, and so we miss love. 

We struggle to be vulnerable, to share all of who we are. 

I know I do. I like to keep things to myself, I’m afraid of being laughed at or sounding silly, and so I hold back. When I do, I miss out on love. I miss out on sharing love and receiving love. 

Love trusts. Love opens itself up. Love is willing to share stories, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities. That doesn’t mean you share everything with everyone, but love means that you share it with someone, and that might be one of the hardest parts of love. 

Love hopes. Hope is a picture of the future, what could be, what this relationship could become. 

And that hope guides my actions, my reactions, my words, and feelings towards the other person. 

One of the things that a married couple must continue to build into and fight for is hope for the future of your relationship and family. It is easy to look at another relationship and see what you don’t have or where you aren’t yet. But don’t lose hope. It is so easy to do that.

Love perseveres and never fails. Love doesn’t quit. Love walks in when everyone walks out. 

Many times, we give up on people or relationships before we should. Often, this has to do with ease or letting go of stressful situations, but love requires us to dig in and persevere.

It is easy to look at the verses in 1 Corinthians 13 and think, I have no hope for love! Because it is a lot, it is a high bar. But also have a deep longing to experience this kind of love. 

These verses give us a picture of God’s love for us. 

But it also shows us where we are supposed to be in our most important relationships. 

Yes, we fall short. 

But this list gives us a glimpse of areas we need to grow in, ask God’s help to accomplish so that those around us feel our love. 

Yet, in God’s grace, Jesus has this love for us. Jesus extends these to us. He keeps no record of wrongs, he serves, his love never fails, it protects, it hopes, and it lasts. God is not easily angered and delights in the truth. The truth of who God is and the truth of who He made us to be.