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Every couple that gets married wants a great marriage. No one gets married in hopes of getting divorced or being miserable. But many couples simply settle and do things that work against them. 

So, what do healthy, thriving couples do?

They do many things, but here are a few:

They grow close to Jesus. This may seem obvious, but if you stray from Jesus, stop reading your Bible, and feel your relationship with Jesus suffer, many things go wrong.

Your desire to fight sin goes down, your willingness to serve your spouse goes down, your desire to love your spouse goes down, and your desire to stay pure goes down—all because of one thing. 

Couples who make it to the end keep God at the center of their marriage. They grow together spiritually, take control of their spiritual lives, and don’t leave it to chance. They read solid books together, they pray together, and they have a plan for how they will disciple their kids (they don’t leave that to chance either). They attend church together, are in a Christian community, and serve to use their gifts and talents. God is not some figure that appears periodically in their marriage but is what the marriage and family revolve around. Men ask how they can help their wife grow and become all God has called her to be.

They protect their marriage. Many couples stumble through this. They make their vows and wear rings, but too many don’t protect themselves when it comes to their minds, hearts, and eyes. Yes, they make sure not to sleep with someone they aren’t married to, but everything else is fair game.

A couple who lasts does not do that. 

The only thing on “their menu” is their spouse. They protect their eyes, they aren’t looking at porn, they aren’t fantasizing about that girl at work or the guy in the movie. They aren’t dreaming about their romance novel; they aren’t acting out (even with their spouse) in their mind. They act out with their spouse (and only their spouse). They make sure nothing will tear them and their spouse apart.

This isn’t just about vows and promises but about the priority you place on your relationship compared to others. Your kids matter, and you love them, but your kids come after your marriage. One of the fastest ways to go from a great marriage to being roommates is to place your kids above your spouse. Your kids will move out one day, and you will have only your spouse. At this point, most couples split because they no longer need to stay together for the kids and have nothing in common. Don’t let that happen. This doesn’t mean you neglect your kids and not do anything with them, but it means they come after your marriage. If you’re unsure where you stand, here are 10 ways to know you are putting your kids before your marriage.

They pursue each other. Pursuit is what got you married (because you started pursuing when you dated). Pursuit keeps a marriage healthy; pursuit is the first thing to go out the window of most marriages. The couples who last don’t leave this to chance. They make time for their spouse, have a yearly getaway, and do fun things with them, including weekly date nights. I’ve never had a couple who did this tell me they regretted it. I’ve had lots of couples tell me how long they have waited for this. Here are some ideas for doing date night at home and some help when date night falls apart.

Know that affection is the first thing to go, and fight against that. Affection leaves a marriage first—kissing when you say goodbye, holding hands, snuggling. 

All of these things happen to couples who couldn’t keep their hands off each other at one time. Fight this. When you kiss, kiss for 5-10 seconds. Throw some tongue in when you are just saying hello or goodbye—gross your kids out. Hold hands in the car. Kiss at a red light. Snuggle at night. I’ve said this before: The amount of affection you have is one of the best barometers for where your marriage is. Show me a couple with little affection and little sex, and I will show you a couple going in opposite directions.

Healthy and growing relationships require intentionality and specific choices. Otherwise, you drift into unhealthiness.

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Healthy relationships take work. Healthy marriages that people want to stay in don’t just happen, although we think they do. We believe two people magically work together, never fight, and never have an issue or disagreement to work through, but they do.

So, where do things go wrong? How can a friendship that was working so well, a marriage that seemed so right, suddenly seem all wrong?

And often, that’s how it feels. When a marriage goes off the rails, it feels sudden, but it has been moving in that direction for several months or years. 

In some ways, the list below is a dashboard to ask, “Are we going off the track and not knowing it?”

It’s too much work. Healthy relationships take a lot of work. It means being patient, listening, hearing someone out, and putting your wants and privileges aside. That’s work.

It means sacrificing and serving the other person, laying aside your wants and desires for the other person or your family. That is easier said than done.

It hurts too much to face their past or do the hard work. As we’ll see later, almost every fight in a relationship is not about what you are fighting about. You are fighting with a past incident, a hurt you haven’t dealt with, a person you see in the person in front of you. They remind you of your dad or mom; they said words similar to an abuser or someone who you were supposed to trust. Healthy people face their past and see it redeemed by the power of Jesus. This doesn’t mean that you pray, and it is gone. The memories and scars stay, but you move forward in healthy ways.

Unhealthy people use their past and stay the victim instead of finding healing. This is hard work and can be incredibly painful. In any argument, you have to ask the crucial question, “Are we fighting about this? What are we fighting about? Who am I fighting with?”

They want the other person to do all the work and change. Just like #1, being lazy and selfish in relationships is easy. Serving, putting in the work, putting the other person’s needs and wants first takes work. Often, too, we want the other person to work to become a healthy person while we stay unhealthy. “I’ll hold on to that incident and bring it up whenever it suits me. I’ll remind them of my hurt instead of dealing with it.”

They think they are better than their spouse or the other person. Sometimes, people are in an unhealthy relationship because they believe they are less sinful than the other person. They look down on them. They wouldn’t say this but hold the other person’s sin in contempt, thinking, “How can they not see that? Why do they struggle with that?” They turn up their noses at the thought of working hard to reconcile with a spouse or a friend. They will say it is the other person’s fault, but deep down, they are the least sinful person they know.

Confuse what reconciliation means. Reconciliation doesn’t mean you are friends with everyone. You might need to protect yourself from an abusive situation, and you may need to protect your kids as well. Reconciliation means that you don’t hold it against the person anymore and don’t bring up the past. You stop saying, “Remember…?”

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Throughout this series, I’ve discussed the differences between men and women and husbands and wives. Each has different roles in a marriage, some of which depend on personalities, the life stage of the family, and talents. 

In Song of Songs 2 and throughout the New Testament, the husband is tasked with pursuing his wife. In the same way that Christ loves and pursues the church (Ephesians 5). This doesn’t mean a wife doesn’t pursue her husband; she should. But the path to a woman’s heart is through pursuit. 

When men hear the idea of pursuit, they often think of date nights, gifts, and sex. And while that may be a part of it, that is a small fraction of what I’m talking about and what she longs for. 

Before discussing what this might look like, let me provide you with a grid to help you think through it. 

Here’s a simple question I’ve used to evaluate my heart and how I’m doing as a husband toward Katie: Is your wife more alive in her identity in Jesus because she’s married to you? Ephesians 5 is all about coming alive to your identity in Jesus. Your wife is a gift from God that you will present to God and give an account for. So, is she more alive in her identity in Jesus because she’s married to you?

Many men struggle because they try to do things they think their wife wants or need in their marriage. If they asked and were a student of their spouse, they might learn what she wants. You know this feeling if you have ever felt mystified in your marriage or felt like two ships passing in the night. 

Below are some questions to which every husband should know the answer at any point about his wife (note: your wife is not a static object, so the answer may change yearly, monthly, and maybe daily!).

Ask if you don’t know the answer; she would love to tell you.

While these questions are directed at a husband toward his wife, here are some questions a couple should ask each other regularly (perfect for your next date night).

Know Your Wife

A husband should know his wife better than anyone else. He should know her likes and dislikes, what excites and disappoints her, her story, hopes, and dreams. He should also know what she likes regarding romance, affection, and the bedroom and strive to serve her in those areas, not for what he can get but because of what God calls him to.

Here are some questions to help with this:

1. What foods does she like, what are her hobbies, and how does she relieve stress?
2. What hopes and dreams does she have? How can you help her accomplish them?
3. How is your wife doing right now?
4. What is romantic to your wife?
5. What gets your wife in the mood? What turns her off sexually?
6. What does your wife like in the bedroom? What does she dislike?

Understand Your Wife

1 Peter 3:7 calls for a husband to live with their wife in an understanding way, but to do that, you have to understand your wife. This goes closely with knowing your wife, but as her life changes, the kids age and move out, this will change regularly. A husband’s job is to stay on top of these things and know what is happening in his wife’s heart, mind, and soul.

Here are some questions to help with this:

1. Is your wife flourishing right now?
2. When is she most productive?
3. How much sleep does she need?
4. What does she need right now in the stage of life you are in to alleviate stress?
5. How is she doing on cultivating friendships with other women?
6. What areas is she hoping to grow spiritually (i.e., parenting, theology, spiritual practices)? How can you help her? What books can you buy her to read (hint: women read more than men)? 

Honor Your Wife

Many men speak to their wives and treat her like one of the guys. She is not; she is more special than any car, boat, possession, child, or career. She is your most precious relationship, a gift from God. Treat her as such. Honor is a basic tenet of manhood. Let me say another way: if you don’t honor your wife, you are a child, not a man.

Here are some questions to help with this:

1. Are you respectful to your wife in private and public when you talk to her and about her?
2. Do you allow your kids to speak disrespectfully to your wife?
3. Does the way you talk about your wife demand that others look at her in a positive light?
4. Do you talk about her and look at her so others will look up to her?
5. If I spent 10 minutes listening to you talk about your wife, would I know she is your most important human relationship?
6. Do you pursue her daily, weekly, and yearly? Do you plan weekly date nights that show your love and attention to her?