Circles of Relationships

Breathing-Room

Many of us find meaning in our relationships. They shape so much of our lives. One of the reasons that we end up being tired, overwhelmed and stressed out has to do with relationships and the number of them. We often join groups, teams, committees, or make volunteer commitments without much thought. Slowly our circles of relationships begin growing to the point that we know many people but lack true community.

I want you to think about every relationship you have (serving team at church, small group, PTA, children’s sports teams, work, neighbors) as a circle. You will have multiple people in a circle, but each commitment of community makes up a circle. Even if you think you don’t spend much time with it or you don’t have friends in it, like a child’s sports team, it’s a circle.

The reality is your circles all take up time. Each time you add a new circle or a circle expands because of the commitment that circle requires, you are pulling away from another circle, and you only have so much time to go around. Many times we haphazardly add circles and then lack community. For men, as we grow older, this becomes an enormous problem.

While men don’t do relationships the way women do, we need them just as much. It seems that as men get older, because of the time they give to their career and their children’s activities, they begin pulling away from friends to the point that when a man turns forty, he can’t think of anyone to call for a beer or to go fishing.

If that’s the case for you, it means you have allowed your circles to get out of control.

In our family, when we talk about adding a new circle, we also take one away. This limits the number of circles you are a part of. We believe community is that important. And yes, this means we will miss out on things, disappoint people, and even anger people.

The other reason we run out of space in our lives as it relates to relationships has to do with the ones we choose. While hopefully you start to think through how many friends and circles of relationships you can be in, this will change as you get older and your kids get older.

We often spend time in the wrong relationships.

We end up at meetings and gatherings that we don’t want to be. We have coffee or meals with people we’d rather avoid, but for some reason, when we got invited, we said yes.

Why?

It could be fear, a sense of duty, maybe our job demands we say yes. If you can say no, why don’t you?

A few years ago Katie and I made a choice that we would spend our time with people who were life giving. If you stressed us out, ran us down, were not life giving, we didn’t want to spend time with you. That may sound mean, but with a growing family, a growing church, we don’t have a ton of time to “just hang out” with whomever. We have to be intentional about our relationships.

This is something that doesn’t get talked about enough. We talk about being intentional with our schedules, money, careers and our kids, but what about who we spend time with?

The people you spend your time with, do they challenge you, encourage you, breathe life into you, spark you to greater levels in your life? If not, why are you giving them a lot of time and energy?

The flip side of this is sometimes you become that person for people. You are the spark, the energy giver. That is okay as long as that isn’t the primary source or your relationships.

When it comes to Breathing Room, you only have so much time and space. You only have so much relational energy and time on your calendar. You have to spend it wisely. You have to think through who gets it and prioritize.

*This is an excerpt from my brand new book, Breathing Room: Stressing Less & Living More. Click on the link to purchase it.

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Why You Do What You Do

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Do you have something in your life that you wished weren’t true? Something you want to stop doing but can’t? A feeling or emotion you wished you didn’t have? A memory you can’t shake?

The book of Ecclesiastes is one of the most interesting books in the Bible. If you’ve never read it, here are the CliffsNotes. The writer of Ecclesiastes is called the Preacher. It might have been Solomon, but we aren’t sure. We do know that the Preacher was wealthy, had a lot of land, buildings, crops, money, and servants. He had influence, the life that people long to have. Yet he was miserable.

The book of Ecclesiastes is written at the end of the Preacher’s life, and he looks back on what he accomplished, the search for meaning that he went on. He searched for meaning in sex, in building, land, jobs, money, career, relationships, and food and wine. You name it, he tried it.

Yet he came up empty.

Three thousand years after the book of Ecclesiastes was writ- ten, you and I still try to prove the Preacher wrong. “He may not have been able to find meaning in running from one thing to the next, but I will. He may not have found meaning in relationships and giving his heart and body away, but I will. He may not have found meaning in food and wine, but I will.”

We don’t say this, at least not out loud. But when we sin, we do so out of a desire to find meaning. We sin from a place of emp- tiness. We sin from a place of wanting to be filled up. The search for meaning drives many of our decisions, and ultimately it’s the driving factor in our search for breathing room.

The Idol You Worship

Every time we sin, we do so because we don’t believe Jesus is truer or better. At that moment we believe that sin will bring us more happiness, joy, and satisfaction. We sin because of something.

Maybe you’ve seen the emptiness that comes from simply trying to stop something. It is impossible because you haven’t uncovered the root cause. You can get rid of the effects of the mold or the mildew in your house, but until you fix how it gets there, it will just come back.

Our sins are the same way.

Have you ever been to a buffet—one where the plates are stacked, and whenever you pull a plate off, they all move up? Think of your life and sins as being like that stack of plates. Most of the time when we sin or hear a sermon, it is about the plate on top. To see true change, to see the things that crowd out our lives get conquered by the power of Jesus, we have to keep pulling up plates until we get to the last one. What we’ll call the sin under the sin.

Here are a few questions to uncover what that is for you. As we go through them, take some time to write down your answers.

  • What is the first thing on your mind in the morning and the last thing on your mind at night?
  • How long does it take you to check Facebook in the morning?
  • Do you daydream about purchasing material goods that you don’t need, with money you don’t have, to impress people you don’t like?
  • What do you habitually, systematically, and undoubtedly drift toward in order to obtain peace, joy, and happiness in the privacy of your heart?
  • When a certain desire is not met, do you feel frustration, anxiety, resentment, bitterness, anger, or depression?
  • Is there something you desire so much that you are will- ing to disappoint or hurt others in order to have it?
  • What do you respond to with explosive anger or deep despair?
  • What dominates your relationships?
  • What do you dream about when your mind is on idle-mode? What, if you lost it, would make life not worth living?

What came up while reading through those questions? Do you find yourself daydreaming about people liking you or accepting you? Do you find yourself checking to see how many people liked your Facebook update? Do you have a desire that you have to fulfill every day?

I talk to a lot of guys who tell me they are addicted to porn, masturbate, or cheat because a man “has needs.” My response to that is, “Have you ever heard of someone dying from a lack of sex? Ever been to a funeral, and when you asked why they died, the answer was, ‘It was crazy. All of a sudden Bob’s wife stopped having sex with him, and he just died.’” No. Many of the things we put in the“need”category—sex, shopping, work, adrenaline—are not needs but desires. Many of them are good desires given to us by God that are corrupted by our sin.

That last one is a crucial question. The answer to the last question will begin to uncover the idol that drives your life. Idols in our hearts are the things we worship and serve instead of Jesus. They are the good things in our lives that we make great and ultimate.

What if you lost your job or your house? What if a relationship ended? What if your business closed?

For example, we love our kids. I can’t imagine the devastation of losing a child. I’ve sat with parents who have, and as a father, it scares me to think about such a thing. But if losing a child would make life not worth living, what does that say about my view of Jesus? What does that say about how I have elevated the view of my kids in my life?

Now, here is what you will learn about your idols. They are usually not bad things. My kids, my wife, my job, pastoring, writing, working out, spending time with friends, going to the beach, taking that dream vacation, watching my Steelers play, enjoying a great cup of coffee or a good bottle of wine—good things.

They become sins when we make them ultimate things. They become sins when we put them ahead of Jesus. They become sins when we look to them to give us our identity, to give us hope, to meet our needs and make us happy.

We buy into this thinking often in our relationships and our careers. Everyone can quote Jerry Maguire saying, “You complete me.” When couples get married or are engaged, if you were to ask them why they are getting married, they might tell you the other person completes them.“I can’t imagine my life without them.”This is a good thing, but it can also reveal the brokenness in our hearts.

Our lives quickly become connected to this identity. We find our identity as Bobby’s mom, as Julie’s husband, as the business owner, as the teacher, as the guy who works out, as the person with the cool house, as the Bible guy, or the woman who is put together.

If we aren’t careful, what is good in our lives quickly becomes the defining aspect of our lives. When that happens, we believe a lie.

*This is an excerpt from my brand new book, Breathing Room: Stressing Less & Living More. Click on the link to purchase it.

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Handling Stress in Leadership & Life

Yesterday I had the chance to talk with some leaders about burnout, ministry and handling stress in life and leadership. If you missed it or want to watch it again, you can watch it below. I haven’t laughed that hard in an interview before. Loved hanging out with Adam and Jevon.

Also as a way to help you in this area, be sure to check out my book Breathing Room: Stressing Less, Living More.

 

How to Trust God

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Ephesians 1 has to be one of the most incredible passages in the entire Bible. In that book, Paul is showing the church in Ephesus, and us, what our identity is, who we are. Many of us look for someone to name us. We want to know from an early age that we are worthwhile, that we matter, that we can be someone, that we are important.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth. -Ephesians 1:3 – 10

The picture here is incredible. We were orphans. Lost, destitute, hopeless.

We’ve adopted two boys, one domestically and one from Ethiopia. The moment that you meet an orphan is overwhelm- ing. I remember holding our son in Arizona when we met him.

He was two days old, weighed five pounds, and looked a little like Benjamin Button with all his wrinkles. The reality of what lay ahead for him in the state system if we didn’t adopt him was so sad to think about. No, we didn’t rescue him or save him, but we did adopt him and make him one of our family.

I remember the moment we landed in Africa to meet our son Judah. The brokenness of the country, the poverty, the smell, was overwhelming. The sense of helplessness you feel and the desire to do something, anything, is great. Judah was four when we met him and not excited about meeting us. I’m sure he had seen families come into the transition home who didn’t take kids home. He certainly saw families come and go while he stayed put. So he was unsure about who we were and if this was for real.

It took over an hour for him to even look at us. Even when we would get down on one knee to be at his eye level, he wouldn’t look at us. We spent a week with him, loving on him, playing games with him, hoping to communicate that “We love you and we are here for you.”Then one of the worst moments of our lives happened.

We had to leave.

For some reason, the policy for adopting in Africa meant we had to take two trips. I will never forget the look on his face as he began to understand that we were leaving, and in his four-year-old mind, we weren’t coming back. We tried to communicate with him through the translator, but he just looked at us with his big eyes and cried. Not a soft cry but screaming. As I carried him back to his room, he clung to my neck for dear life. As I tried to hold it together and be tough, Katie was falling apart. It was one of the worst moments of my life.

I remember getting back into the van with the other adop- tive families (we were the only ones leaving that day), and they asked how we were doing. I know they were trying to be helpful, but I wanted to shout at them. Our flight home was one of the quietest plane rides I’ve ever experienced, as Katie and I sat there completely run-down emotionally.

How do you tell a four-year-old who only knows one word in the English language (“fish,” because we brought goldfish to eat) that we are coming back? That we don’t know when—it could be four weeks or six months—but we will be back. I wanted to shout at the top of my lungs in his language, “We’re coming back.” Even as the workers tried to comfort him and tell him, he just continued crying and reaching out to us so that we would take him with us.

I remember when we got off the plane and we got to the hotel, I asked Katie if she wanted to walk around or get something to eat, and she said, “I just want to sit here and cry.”

This is the struggle we have in trusting our heavenly Father. We were all orphans before Christ. We know the feeling of being left. We know the feeling of being forgotten. We know the feeling of being looked over, of not being chosen.

This is why Paul chooses the words he does.
 God chose you. As a follower of Jesus, God chose you. When?
Before the foundations of the world, before creating anything, God chose you.
He chose you so that you could be blameless and holy before him.
“But how?” you ask. In love.

This love is different from the love we see in movies or read on Hallmark cards or listen to as we slow dance to a song. Love in those places is a feeling, an overwhelming, uncontrollable feeling. This is why people say things like,“You can’t choose who you love.” None of that is true. Love is not an overwhelming, uncontrollable feeling. Think for a minute, what if God loved you with that kind of love? What if God’s love for you was a feeling, where he said, “You can’t control who you love”?

God’s love, the love we are called to have for those around us and in our relationships, is a choice, followed by a feeling. God chose you in love.

For what?

Adoption, as sons (and daughters) in Christ, according to the will of God. This was and is God’s plan. This was not unexpected for God. The idea that Jesus would die in our place and rise from the dead was his plan.

Why?

Because we are sinners, because we are lost, because we are broken and can’t fix ourselves, and because we are orphans.

Every time I read through Ephesians 1, I am overwhelmed by the love of my Father in heaven. I stand in awe that he loves me as he does. That he would go to the lengths that he did to save me and give me life.

Can I trust God?

Maybe you still struggle with this question, “Can I trust you, God?” After all, when we sin, we are telling God we don’t think we can trust him. This is a question everyone has; in fact, it is the same question Abraham had in the Old Testament.

If you’ve grown up in church, you know the story of Abraham, and our knowledge of his story kind of takes away some of the amazingness. In Genesis 12, we have this man named Abram. He all of a sudden appears in the pages of Scripture. He is out in the desert and he hears a voice. A voice he may have heard before, but maybe not. We aren’t told. This voice, God from heaven, tells him to pack up what he has and move “to a land I will show you.”

Now picture this: Abram goes home and tells his wife Sarai that they are to pack up and go to a land that this voice (God) will show them. I always wonder what that was like. If she was like most wives, she probably asked him how long he’s been hearing this voice. Has it said other things? Did it give any directions? Any hints on what lay ahead?

No, Abram would tell her. Only that we are to start walking and stop when he says.

What God does tell Abram is that he will one day be a great nation and that all the people of the world will be blessed through him. The irony of this is that Abram has no children and is seventy-five years old.

Finally, as he walks to this land, there is a fascinating promise given to Abram in Genesis 15. Time has passed, and Abram and Sarai still do not have a child. From their perspective, they are not any closer to being a great nation than when they left their home. So Abram does what we would do. He whines to God. Complains, actually.

God takes it and is incredibly patient with Abram through this entire conversation. As Abram unloads his feelings of despair, lack of faith, anger, and hurt over his desire to be a father, but yet not having this desire met (are you beginning to see the connection between not trusting God and giving in to temptation or other sins?), God tells him to look to the heavens and number the stars. Abram can’t number the stars, as there are too many of them. “So,” God tells him, “shall your offspring be.”

God doesn’t just stop there. He tells Abram what he (God) has done. What is interesting to me is that when God gives commands in Scripture, in particular the Ten Commandments in Exodus 20, before giving a command, he reminds the people of what he has done. God is about to make a covenant, a promise with Abram, but before he does, he reminds Abram of what he has done so far. He hasn’t just led him to a new place and promised him a son; he has guided, provided, and protected him and his family.

Then and only then does God give commands or make covenants. In Exodus 20, before giving Moses the law, he reminds him, “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery”(20:2). This is the foundation of the commands of God, his promise and the freedom that he provides.

In Genesis 15, after reminding Abram, he makes a covenant with Abram. We aren’t told in Scripture if Abram asked for it, but he was at least doubting and wondering if this was going to happen. He was complaining to God, as we would do. This has always been a comfort to me, that God doesn’t strike down questions in the Bible, but listens and answers them.

God tells Abram to bring him a heifer, a female goat, a ram, a turtledove, and a young pigeon. Abram did, and cut them all in half. In this time period, when two people made a covenant, they would kill the animals and cut them in half, and then they would walk through the animals, saying, “If I don’t keep my end of the covenant, may I end up like these animals.”

It was getting late and Abram fell asleep. Then God made a covenant with Abram, while he was asleep. As the sun set and it was dark, a smoking fire pot and flaming torch passed between the pieces. Abram never passed through the animals; only God did.

This is the extent to which God goes to keep his promises as our Father. He makes the promise and keeps it, even when we don’t. Even in our moments of failure, doubt, and fear, he is still strong and sure.

*This is an excerpt from my brand new book, Breathing Room: Stressing Less & Living More. Click on the link to purchase it.

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How You Destroy Relationships

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In Galatians 6:2 Paul tells us that community should be a place where we carry each other’s burdens. Many people struggle to have healthy community because of one simple issue: pride.

To carry someone’s burden, to help with what weighs them down, you have to be close enough to carry it. Many of us do not have anyone close enough to help carry something. This is what I call waiting to build community until you need it. This ensures you will be alone and carry your burden by yourself. You have to build community before you need it, not the other way around. You have to get past your fears, open yourself up to others, and let them in.

What’s interesting about Galatians 6 is that Paul says it is possible to sin in two ways:

  1. You can sin by not carrying someone else’s burden when they need you to.
  2. You can sin by not allowing someone to carry your burden when you need them to.

The first one, most people would agree with. When you see some- one who needs help, you should help. If you are able to help, do so. If you don’t, you are selfish and mean. That point isn’t as big an issue, although maybe that is a struggle for you because of pride and selfishness (Gal. 5:25–26).

The second point may be what catches us off guard. What if we try to do it ourselves? What if we never ask for help? What if we never open ourselves up to community and the care others can give us, or allow someone to carry our burden? We are sinning as much as the selfish, prideful person who won’t help.

Why?

Both have missed community and relationships. Both have pride issues and think they don’t need help or others. Both lack humility.

*This is an excerpt from my brand new book, Breathing Room: Stressing Less & Living More. Click on the link to purchase it.

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The Most Important Thing for your Family…Right Now

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One of the things that Patrick Lencioni suggests that families do in The Three Big Questions for a Frantic Family: A Leadership Fable About Restoring Sanity To The Most Important Organization In Your Life is to ask, “Over the next three to six months, what is the most important thing for our family to accomplish?”

This has been incredibly helpful and liberating for our family.

It is easy to look at a book like this and think, “I need to change my schedule, cut things out, get out of debt, work on my health and waistline, let go of things in my past, and deal with hidden sins.” It can be overwhelming. And that is just you. When you bring a spouse and kids into the picture, it becomes incredibly daunting.

That is why this question is so helpful.

What is the most important change you can make right now? What would bring the most freedom to your family and life right now? What would bring the biggest change to your life right now? Sometimes this can last for more than six months or less than three. Debt can take a while to get out of, and so can losing weight, but once the habit is created, I think you can move on to a new one.

This also does something else for you, and it is an important psychological reality: it provides a win.

We all like to win. We all like to feel as if results are happening, especially men. We want to know that the work we are putting in is paying off and moving the ball forward. By looking to a short-term goal like this, you are able to see that something is happening.

*This is an excerpt from my brand new book, Breathing Room: Stressing Less & Living More. Click on the link to purchase it.

How to Know You’re Too Busy

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A few years ago I wrote a book called Breathing Room: Stressing Less & Living More and I’ve been asked by some people how to know if they should read the book. How do you know if you are too busy or getting tired in life? My response often is, “Well, if you are asking if you are too busy, you are probably too busy.”

But just in case, here are a few ways to know you’re too busy and need some Breathing Room:

1. What is normally easy is now hard. This is one of the first things that happens. For me it centers on preaching, sermon prep, reading leadership books. Whenever I find myself not feeling motivated in one or all of these areas, I know I am past the point of running too fast in life. To combat this, I take periodic breaks from preaching (I try to not preach more than 10 weeks in a row), and I work in books that have nothing to do with sermon prep or church ministry to give my brain a break.

2. Sleep is hard to come by. For many Americans, sleep is hard as it is. We go to bed too late, we don’t take enough naps, we spend too much time on technology and get worked up. I try to get to bed by 10:30. I try to not look at social media or texts after 8pm so that my brain is able to take a break. If you have to take sleeping pills, watch TV to fall asleep or find yourself going to bed at midnight or staring at the clock at midnight, you need to work on your sleep.

This is counterintuitive to us because we think if we’re tired we should be able to fall asleep quickly, but that is often not the case. We have pushed ourselves so hard, our brains are not used to shutting off. We have pushed ourselves past 10pm on a regular basis, getting our “second wind,” that our body is accustomed to it. Getting back to a normal sleep pattern will take some time.

3. It is hard to get going in the morning. Some people are morning people and can’t wait to get going; others are not. I’m not a morning person. But when I find myself having a hard time getting going in the morning, needing multiple cups of coffee to stay awake or to focus, that’s a warning sign. Think about this morning: how hard was it to get out of bed? The harder it was, the closer you are to burning out.

4. You get angry fast. When you are tired, you tend to get angry fast. Your fuse is shorter with those closest to you: family, friends, and coworkers. Your reaction to situations does not match the situation. You get angry at small things or cry without knowing why.

5. You struggle to make simple decisions and find yourself paralyzed at making a choice. It is amazing how when we are tired and too busy, normal everyday decisions can become agonizing mountains that appear like we can’t get over them. Decisions become tiring and life altering. The mood swings we have when we make a decision we regret become huge mood swings. An example for me is I’ll struggle to know what to watch on TV, what I want to eat. As silly as that may sound, it is a sign I have not taken care of myself.

6. Motivation is hard to come by. It is true that you are more motivated and alert at certain parts of the day. For me it is first thing in the morning, which is why I reserve that for sermon prep and not meetings. It is when I am most creative, and I need to give that mental time to the most important part of my job: preaching. When I find that motivation not there, I know I have a problem.

7. You have impulses to eat and drink, and you struggle to control them. You may also use things to calm down. This might be food, sex, porn, exercise, drugs, smoking, alcohol. While these things calm you down, and all of these are not necessarily sins, when used to calm us down or help us relax or sleep or “take the edge off,” we have a problem. If you think, “I just need ____ to calm down or feel better,” you have a problem.

8. You think short-term instead of long-term. You can’t get past today or what is right in front of you, and you feel completely overwhelmed by it. All of the decisions you make are simply focused on right now, and you talk about “getting through the day” or “if we can just make it to bedtime” or “if only we can make it til the weekend.” What happens is this becomes our new normal, and everyday is about making it to the weekend or the next break where we simply collapse from exhaustion.

9. You don’t laugh as much or have fun. This is connected to what we’ve already said, but if you can’t remember the last time you laughed and had fun, that’s a problem. When you are tired, the last thing you have energy for is fun or community. You are more irritable and have less courage. People are draining, and the only thing you want to do is be a bump on the log and watch TV. If you are an introvert, having fun with people, especially when you are tired, feels so taxing.

*This is an excerpt from my book, Breathing Room: Stressing Less & Living More. Click on the link to purchase it.

Risks, Faith & Being a Scaredy Cat

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We often fall into one of two categories: we are either risk averse and afraid of everything, so we are paralyzed in life. This causes us to miss the chances God wants us to take and live the life of adventure and faith He calls us to.

Or we take any risk that comes along in an effort to live life to the fullest and not miss anything, which causes us to not be very discerning and often live a life full of adventure and regrets.

Depending on which category you put yourself into or feel the most comfortable in, it is easy to say that one is more spiritual than another and exactly what God has in store and planned for every follower of Jesus. Yet on closer inspection, there is wisdom in both places.

There are times we are called to risk it all, throw caution to the wind, leave no stone unturned and leave it all on the field. To sell the farm, and hope that it turns up roses. There are also moments that wisdom calls for prudence, a slower pace, more talking with experts and people you trust and maybe ultimately waiting on a decision or missing a-once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

How do you know which one you should do as you face a decision or an opportunity?

Before we get to that, let’s back up.

The answer lies in a different question: What do you believe about God?

You see, if you struggle with fear and find yourself paralyzed at moments in life, you will often have a small view of God. You will see God more as a buddy buddy who is there to make you happy, protect you at all costs and do whatever you want. You will see a God who is less powerful than you are, so how can you trust Him with anything? You will also see a God who will not call you to scary things, a God who will never make you uncomfortable or contradict your thought process. God will always agree with you.

On the other side, if you are constantly pushing the envelope, then you have a risk taking God who sometimes will lack wisdom or at the least patience. You serve a God who wants it done now and can’t wait. A God of risk, a God who is ready to take off at a moment’s notice, who is often very pleased with your gut feeling or the things that will make you comfortable in that moment and meet your desires right now.

Ironically, both serve a God much like them and who wants them to be comfortable. The risk averse person sitting on the sideline who is never uncomfortable, and the risk taker who lives on the edge of the cliff and never has to exhibit patience or listen to anyone but their desire.

So which is right?

I don’t think one is right or wrong inasmuch as we need to identify where we often find ourselves and make sure of two things:

  1. That God is pushing us out of our comfort zone.This could mean that God is making you wait or pushing you to risk.
  2. That your choices are based on wisdom and not fear of being hurt or fear of missing something (interestingly fear drives both types of people in different ways).

I think more important than taking a risk is identifying what you believe to be true about God as you take a risk, as you think about doing something or not doing something. Is there a lie attached to it? Are you trying to win someone’s approval through it?

Often without realizing it, we fall prey to that instead of living the life God calls us to, whether that is of risk, waiting or wisdom, and sometimes both.

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Leaders are Not Whiners

leaders

“The leader in the system is the one who is not blaming anyone.” -Ed Friedman

If you get a group of pastors together in a room, or leaders of ministry teams, you will often hear complaints. Complaints about working with certain volunteers or staff members, budget cuts, financial difficulties, recruiting or simply the pace and difficulty of ministry and leadership.

This is a good and appropriate place to share those things.

Often, though, I’ll hear pastors or ministry leaders share these same complaints with their churches or people who are not in leadership.

Bottom line, one of the things that separates leaders from non-leaders is leaders are not whiners.

Is leading hard?

Yes.

Did you sign up for it?

Yes.

Did you know leading would be this hard?

No.

Does that matter?

No.

Mainly I’ll hear leaders talk about how difficult their job is. In fact one of our staff members recently visited another church, and the lead pastor spent 20 minutes (20 minutes!) talking about how hard being a pastor was and how hard planting a church was.

Now being a pastor is hard. Starting a church is hard. Recruiting people, managing people, conflict resolution, budgets, family life and ministry life colliding are all hard.

But if you are a pastor, hear this: Your life is not harder than anyone else’s. Your job is not harder than anyone else’s. It’s just different.

Think for a minute about most church planters and pastors: they have lots of meetings. The people in their church don’t know if they are at Starbucks working on a message, chatting with a leader, reading a book or a blog (thanks for reading this one), working on fantasy football or taking a nap.

Is pastoring hard? Yes. Is it harder than being a plumber? No.

It’s different.

When you as a leader whine about how hard it is, your people roll their eyes and lose respect.

When you as a leader talk about how hard it is to raise money, gain support for a vision or recruit volunteers, you lose their respect. People are attracted to a vision.

Take kids’ ministry. There is always a shortage of team members in kids’ ministry. You could bemoan that fact, or you could cast a compelling vision to people: Most people begin a relationship with Jesus before they turn 18. In fact, if you think about your life, you are still feeling the effects of the choices you made before you were 18. What if you could make an impact for good in the life of a child or student? Steer them away from the mistakes you made and help them find the life God has called them to? Wouldn’t that be awesome?!

Sign me up.

We’re a portable church, so we have to set up and tear down, and no one likes that job. What if instead of complaining about it, you saw the opportunity to cast a vision: Did you know every week a guest comes to our church, and many of them come because they drove by and saw a sign? Think about how God works. That’s amazing. Not only that, when we set up chairs we don’t just set up chairs. We pray over each of those chairs as we set them up. When I put a Bible on that seat I’m praying for the person who will sit there and maybe for the first time will hear about Jesus and the life he offers. We don’t just set up chairs. We put a chair down so someone can sit down and hear about the life Jesus died and rose from the dead to give them. You can set up chairs anywhere, but we’re part of helping people hear about Jesus. Do you want to do that? I can’t think of a better way to spend my Sunday morning than praying for guests who will hear about Jesus. Can you?

Is it hard? Yes. Do people say yes when you vision cast? Not all the time.

If leadership was easy, everyone would do it.

How to Handle Guns Blazing Awesome Guy

awesome

If you are a pastor you have had this experience.

You meet someone new at your church on a Sunday morning, or they email about getting together and they are excited. I mean really excited. They can’t wait to jump in. They are passionate, extroverted, seemingly gifted and they have tons of experience at other churches. They know the lingo, have read the books, have been to the conferences and have the t-shirt.

They are guns blazing awesome guy (or girl).

Your first thought is, “Where has this person been? Finally!”

I get it because as a leader you want people who are excited, and guns blazing awesome guy is excited. He’s excited enough for 10 people! You can only imagine how far he can move the needle in your church and the people who will follow him, and how great it will be to have someone to shoulder the load.

All that may be true, but let me throw a caution flag.

There is a reason guns blazing awesome guy is at your church and not the church he just left. And it isn’t because of doctrine or because your church is somehow better. There is often something hidden in the background, lurking. It is this that gets so many church planters and pastors in trouble.

This is why there is so much wisdom in Paul’s advice to Timothy to not be hasty in laying on hands (1 Timothy 5:22). Move slowly. Guns blazing awesome guy may turn out to be simply awesome and great for your church, or he will move on to the next church that will elevate him into leadership quickly.

Now let me talk to the guns blazing awesome guy. The guy who is gifted, ready and maybe even mature. Not all guns blazing awesome guys are bad or sinful.

Many times you jump from church to church trying to find a spot, and the reason you have to jump from church to church has nothing to do with you and everything to do with people not seeing how awesome you are.

Slow down.

I know, I know. You are 25 and not getting any younger, and you have all these ideas and energy. Yet part of being a leader is being a follower, being under authority.

I recently talked to a pastor who was interviewing pastors for a job. He said, “One guy stands head and shoulders above the rest in talent and gifts. Yet he hasn’t been in a church for more than a year, and when he has, he didn’t volunteer anywhere, and he had no reason for that. It was ‘the leaders and the culture.'” I told him it would be a mistake to hire this guy, no matter how talented he is.

For both the leader in charge and the guns blazing awesome guy or girl, patience is in order. This is hard for both because ironically they need each other but often have different goals.

I can tell you in my years of ministry I’ve been frustrated because people didn’t see how awesome I was when I thought it. The moments I dug into that, learned and allowed myself to be teachable were the most beneficial. When I kicked up the dirt and moved on, it brought anger, hurt and bitterness. When I’ve rushed the guns blazing awesome guy or girl into leadership because, well, they were awesome, I’ve paid a hard price for it. I’ve overlooked character issues because of how talented they were and because we needed someone in that role. I’ve also moved too slowly with someone and lost them because another opportunity came along.

This isn’t an exact science, so it won’t end like that.

This is more of a caution to explore where you are right now. You may have a guns blazing awesome leader you need to slow down the process on or put a process into place. That way it is less of a feeling and more of a science as you move them into leadership. You may need to take a step back to ask why people don’t think you are as awesome as you think you are and what God might be trying to teach you in the waiting.