Posted on

What I’ve Learned from Being Married for 10 Years

by

marriage

Katie and I celebrated 10 years of marriage this past weekend. Last night we went out to celebrate together and we’re talking through the last 10 years, what we’ve learned, where we’ve come from. I thought I’d share some of the things we’ve learned in no particular order:

  1. Deal with your baggage quickly. You will bring baggage into your marriage. Past relationships, your parents marriage, hurt, abuse. Deal with it as quickly as possible. Don’t push it under a rug or pretend it isn’t there, it is.
  2. Set goals. When we got married, we made 5 year goals. At year 5, we worked on 10. Now, we are working through goals for 15 and til the day we die. Things like: what do we want our kids to know (discipleship plan), financial goals, places we’d like to travel, health we’d like to have. If you don’t have goals, you don’t get anywhere in your marriage, at least, not anywhere worth going. It also clarifies what is important in your marriage. Because some of our goals cost money, that dictates things in our marriage.
  3. Fight for oneness. When you argue, and you will. Couples who say they don’t are lying. So, when you fight, fight for oneness. Don’t fight to win, because then you lose.
  4. Set each other up to win. Too many couples seem set on making their spouse lose. In their career, at home, in their marriage. Instead, set them up to win. Encourage them, cheer them on louder than anyone else.
  5. Define your roles. The bible is clear about what roles we are to live in as men and women in marriage (Ephesians 5, Titus 2, 1 Peter 3). Read those passages, discuss them, decide how you will live them out in your marriage.
  6. Decide you will die before leaving. I think too many couples fail because divorce is always an option, it’s always there. I had a mentor tell me, “Stay married even if it kills you.” To survive in marriage, you will need that kind of certainty.
  7. Know how your spouse hears I love you. Your spouse has different emotional needs than you do, a different love language. Learn it, speak it, meet it. If you don’t, someone else will.
  8. Stay pure. Porn, romance novels, fantasy worlds. These will kill your marriage. I’ve sat across from too many couples who thought these things weren’t a big deal, they will destroy your marriage.
  9. Find your identity in Christ, not your spouse. Your spouse did not die on the cross and rise from the dead for you, Jesus did. Your spouse cannot be Jesus for you. Find your identity in Christ, nothing else will fulfill it. Grow closer to Christ and this makes all the difference in your marriage.
  10. Your kids come second. Don’t be the couple that says after 25 years of marriage, “we spent our whole marriage pouring into our kids, then they moved out and we don’t know each other, so we’re getting a divorce.” Your kids matter, spend time with them, but your spouse comes first. What this looks like changes with the seasons of your family, but they come first.
  11. Read about marriage. Everytime I preach on marriage someone will tell me, “I’d have a better marriage if I knew what you knew.” The way to grow in your marriage is to be around couples who have healthy marriages, ask them questions, but to read about marriage. Read at least 1 book a year on marriage. Think about it, you spend all this time being married, shouldn’t you know how to do it and grow in it?
  12. Dates and getaways. Have a weekly date night and get away at least once a year without kids. This shouldn’t be up for discussion. This one thing has done more good in our marriage than almost anything else, except for #9.
Posted on

Is Love a Choice or a Feeling (And Why it Matters)

by

love

Here is a question that Katie and I pose when we do pre-marital or marriage counseling, “Is love a choice or a feeling?”

In our culture, love is a feeling. It makes you feel light, you think of songs, birds, roses and happy thoughts. It warms you up like hot coffee on a cold day. What this means then is that we talk about love the same way we talk about our favorite team or favorite food, “I love pizza.” If love is a feeling, then you can fall in and out of love depending on your mood or what is happening in your life.

The other side of this sees love simply as a choice. It makes loves into a cold thing. When it is a feeling, it makes it romantic and human, while a choice makes it feel like love is robotic.

I think it is both.

Love is a feeling, this is what will drive our romance and will keep us moving when life happens. Love is a choice because you will get to the place in marriage where you will have to choose to stay married and choose to love this person.

The longer you are married, the harder you will have to work to stay married. If you go into marriage thinking that it won’t be any work or that you can sit back and relax now that you are married, you will have a hard time staying married.

The reality is, each morning, a couple must wake up and decide “I will love this person.”

Is love a choice or a feeling?

Click To Tweet

Posted on

How to Fight Well in a Marriage

by

In honor of preaching on the topic of marriage at Revolution this past Saturday and this coming Saturday, I thought I’d repost some of the more helpful things I’ve written on the topics of marriage, dating, sexuality, roles, communication and others topics related to marriage.

Many couples have no idea how to fight. Every couple does it, in fact, when a couple says “We never fight.” What they are saying is, “We don’t have an honest relationship.” So, don’t believe the myth that there is a some couple out there that does not fight. The couples that are healthy are the ones who learn how to fight in a constructive way that moves them forward.

Here are 16 ways to fight (taken from The Book of Romance):

  1. Never speak rashly. Choose your words carefully. Choose how you say things very carefully. Often, how we say something does more damage than what we say.
  2. Never confront your spouse publicly. I am blown away by how some couples will tear each other down in front of other people. If you are upset with your spouse, no one else needs to know about it or be involved. No one wants to listen to you fight. This will destroy your marriage very quickly.
  3. Never confront your spouse in your children’s presence. This is tough to do because stuff comes up. It is best to fight away from your kids as it can really tear at their confidence in your marriage and create uncertainty in their minds. If you do fight in front of your kids (and some couples want to in an effort to show their kids how to fight) make sure you make up in front of your kids, let them see and know the resolution and talk with them about it. Don’t just assume they know you made up.
  4. Never use your kids in the conflict. A fight between a couple is just that, between a couple. Your kids, friends, parents don’t need to take a side, they don’t even need to be a part of it. Turning your kids against your spouse is disastrous for your marriage, family and for your kids.
  5. Never say “never” or “always.” Even if it feels like always, no one does something all the time. No matter how you make it seem that way in your head. This is very accusatory and will make the other person defensive. Don’t believe me? Try it. They will do everything in their power to think of the one time when they didn’t do it, and then what? Instead, use “When this happens, I feel ___________.” You have just said the same thing without putting them on defense.
  6. Never resort to name calling. If you can’t fight without calling each other names, don’t fight. That will not accomplish anything. The point of every fight is to have resolution, to finish. To finish, you need to push towards that, name calling pushes against that.
  7. Never get historical. The past is the past. Especially if it is something you have talked through, one of you has apologized and you have resolution on that issue. Let it go. It no longer is allowed to be brought up.
  8. Never stomp out of the room or leave. This will tell your spouse, “You should be afraid that I may leave at any minute.” This does not create confidence to fight well. To fight well, both spouses need to know that the other will stay there and finish.
  9. Never raise your voice in anger. Kids listen better when we are calm, our spouses are the same way. When we raise our voice, we go on offensive. It is like talking to someone in another language, they don’t understand us better just because we are talking louder.
  10. Never bring family members into the discussion unless they are a direct part of the problem being addressed. This is the same as #4. Your mother is not going to help the discussion with your spouse. It is between you and your spouse and you need to learn how to work it out.
  11. Never win through reasoning or logic and never out-argue. The goal is a fight is not to win. The point is resolution, a way forward.
  12. Never be condescending. This is the same as #5. The point is not to talk down to someone or put them on defense. Being right does not endear you to your spouse.
  13. Never demean. Do not put your spouse down, ever. Couples do this so often in public it blows me away. We need to be building up our spouses.
  14. Never accuse your spouse with “you” statements. It might be their fault, but that isn’t going to help the situation, you pointing it out. Telling them “You caused this” is not going to all of a sudden make the argument make sense. They already know. Remember the point of a fight, resolution.
  15. Never allow an argument to begin if both of you are overly tired, if one of you is under the influence of chemicals, or if one of you is physically ill. Don’t fight at night, you can’t think clearly and seek resolution if you are drunk, tired, sick.
  16. Never touch your spouse in a harmful manner. You are not a man because you can scare a woman or knock her around. Seriously. If your husband is hitting you, call the cops. If you are hitting your wife. Stop. Or, go and fight a man, someone who will hit back. Seriously.
Posted on

15 Ways to Improve Your Marriage

by

marriage

Katie and I often get asked about how to improve your marriage, survive a hard season or simply take your marriage to the next level so that it last til “death do us part.”

Here’s a list I put together on 15 ways to improve your marriage (in no particular order):

  1. Deal with all your junk right away. Everyone brings baggage into a marriage and some couples work through as much as possible as fast as possible and others don’t. I think when a couple has been married for 2 – 3 years, you can tell if they have worked on their baggage.
  2. Understand your roles and live in them. Too many couples think they can have a roleless marriage and it will work. The Bible clearly lays out roles, what a husband is and what a wife is. Too many wives do what their husbands are supposed to do which lead to men doing nothing.
  3. Be intimate, a lot. It’s no coincidence that every marriage book, every couple who says they are happy, all say they are intimate, a lot. 1 in 5 couples has what is called a sexless marriage (less than 10 times a year). The average for a married couple is 1 – 2 times every 10 days. Wonder why couples aren’t happy? Those stats are a place to start.
  4. Date night. I’m stunned at the number of couples who do not have a regularly scheduled date night. I won’t go into much detail here because I just blogged about this the other day (you can read that here). Bottom line, you need a weekly date night, every week, protect it with your life and make it a priority and make it happen.
  5. Your relationship is more important than any other relationship (except God). Too many couples make their jobs, parents, friends, and kids more important than their marriages. Guess what? A day is coming when it will just be you and your spouse. Make that relationship the most important.
  6. Pray together. This is a great way to connect, especially at the end of a long day. It is a great way to thank your spouse for things out loud. This is especially good if you had a long day or a huge fight at night. This is something EVERY couple should do every day.
  7. Play together. Admittedly, this might be more of a man need but do fun things together. If you are both into football, go to a game. Go shopping. Play golf or tennis. Run together. Do something fun that is just the two of you.
  8. Find a mentor. Every couple should have a mentor. From the time of our engagement, we have had other couples speaking into our marriage. They have helped us get to where we are right now.
  9. Put the other person first. One thing marriage brings out is how selfish we are. All over the scriptures when it talks about marriage, it talks about serving each other. If you make it your goal to outserve the other person, you will win at marriage.
  10. Decide that you will stay married even if it kills you (and it probably will). This may sound obvious, but even though couples don’t get married planning to get divorced, so many couples are willing to call it quits really quickly. If you are going to work through all your junk (see #1), you will need the confidence that no matter what, this thing will make it to the end. If you decide to stay married even if it kills you, you can really do anything and get through anything. It will be hard, but deciding this ahead of time will go a long way.
  11. No secrets. It is amazing to me the number of couples who keep secrets from their spouse. I have had men tell me something and then say, “Don’t tell my wife.” Uh, if you don’t, I will. No wonder marriages implode, they don’t trust each other.
  12. Work out of your gifting. While there are specific roles for men and women in marriage (#2), there are many things in marriage that it doesn’t matter who does them. Things like finances. Some are gifted at it, others aren’t. Do the things you are good at, let your spouse do what they are good at.
  13. Men, lead. This has to do with roles (#2), but too many men do not lead and take initiative in their marriages and consequently, their marriages suffer. Men are called to take initiative, to lead with a servant’s heart, to passionately pastor their wives and kids. With Jesus as our model, this is something that will save you a lot of heartaches.
  14. Stay pure. This is not just for men. This is not just a physical thing. It is an all-encompassing thing. Are you physically, emotionally, spiritually, relationally, mentally attached to someone you are not married to? Your spouse is the person who should meet these needs more than any other person.
  15. Boundaries. Because of what I do, Katie and I have put into place some specific boundaries (you can read about those here). The point is, you must protect yourself, your heart and the purity of your marriage. It is hard to commit adultery if you don’t put yourself in the position to commit adultery.
Posted on

Coaches & Critics

by

critics

I was reading in Proverbs 10 this morning and one verse jumped out at me. There are so many implications to Proverbs 10:17 that says Whoever heeds instruction is on the path of life, but he who rejects reproof leads others astray. I’ve already shared how this verse applies to accountability in our lives and leadership.

But there is one more angle that came to mind, the area of coaches & critics.

As a leader, criticism is inevitable, it is the admission price to leadership. So the question is, when do you listen to reproof?

Criticism is often the price of leadership

Click To Tweet

A few things help me determine the difference between a coach and a critic.

  1. Do they love Jesus? All your critics as a pastor will claim to love Jesus, but many times their goal is simply to push their agenda, create disunity, destroy a church. Are they loving in their criticism? Jesus said that’s how we will know his followers.
  2. Do they love Revolution? If someone doesn’t love Revolution Church and they criticizing Revolution Church, I’m not going to listen. They aren’t cheering on the bride of Christ, they don’t want to see the mission God has called us to move forward.
  3. Do they love me and my family? If someone doesn’t love me, my wife, my kids and want to see me pursue Christlikeness, become all God has created me to become, if they don’t believe the best in me. It doesn’t matter what they say.
A coach possesses all those things. All 3. A critic often times will not possess any of those things.
Posted on

Preaching to Believers & Seekers

by

preaching

I got asked last week and I’ve been asked this by leaders from time to time, but the question goes like this, “How do you preach to believers and seekers?”

This question begins with what I believe is false thinking, that believers and seekers have different needs.

I want to be clear, believers and seekers are in different places on their spiritual journey. A person who walks into a church who has been walking with Jesus for 30 years compared to someone who has walked in for the first time, are in different places. They ask different questions. They’ll even tell you they have different needs. But in reality, they are looking and asking the same thing, just in different ways.

Those who do not yet follow Jesus are asking, “How can I save my marriage? Communicate with my teenager? Get my finances in order? Find happiness in life?” They may even be asking deeper philosophical questions like, “Why did God allow that to happen in my life? Is God real or is this just a cosmic accident?”

Those who are followers of Jesus are asking, “How do I grow in my relationship with Jesus? How do I pray? Read my Bible?” They are also asking, “How can I save my marriage? Communicate with my teenager? Get my finances in order? Find happiness in life?” They may even be asking deeper philosophical questions like, “Why did God allow that to happen in my life? Is God real or is this just a cosmic accident?”

Each person who walks into a church on the weekend or a missional community during the week wants to know if John 10:10b is true. Does Jesus promise life? What is this life? How do I get it?

Now to be clear, no one has ever walked up to me and asked this question, but underneath the questions people ask, the prayer requests people list, the hurt in their eyes as we pray over them at Revolution, they want to know this. Is there life? How do I get it?

In the end, believers and seekers are asking the same thing, they are asking a gospel question.

This is one of the reasons I love preaching through books of the Bible. Every single week I will have multiple conversations that start like this, “how did you know that was exactly what I needed to hear” or “how did you know I was wrestling with that this week?” The funny thing about that is we plan our sermons 12 months in advance.

Now, when you preach to each of these groups, you will have to do some things differently. Believers will give you the benefit of the doubt. Often if you say something is in the Bible, they’ll believe. Seekers are more skeptical. They want to know why they should trust you, believe you. They often think you have something up your sleeve, like you are selling them a bill of goods.

This is another advantage to preaching through books of the Bible. You simply preach the next line in the book, the next verse, the next topic. They are able to open the Bible and see where you are, that you aren’t making it up.

Posted on

Time Management Through a Strategic Lens

by

time management

I was talking with another leader today about how to use your time as a leader. As a pastor, there is a lot to get done. People to meet with, sermons to write and preach, growing as a leader, developing leaders, counseling, walking with others. Throw in being married, a parent and the list continues to grow.

The same can be said about any job. There typically is more to do than time to do it in.

The question then becomes, “What do you do? How do you decide what you do?”

The answer to this question determines a lot about your effectiveness as a leader, spouse, parent, friend.

Typically, we do what is urgent or is a need. For many pastors, they meet with the people who are the loudest, the ones who are clamoring for attention. They might also meet with the ones who ask the most or people they want to keep happy.

As a leader, you need to continually ask yourself a series of questions about how you spend your time:

  1. What do I do that adds the most value to my church or organization?
  2. What uses my gifts and talents to their fullest extent?
  3. What do I love to do that energizes me?
  4. What can’t I give away?
  5. When am I most alert, creative, awake to do those things?
5 questions to use your time wisely

Click To Tweet

For me, the elders have determined that I add the most value to Revolution through preaching and then developing leaders (through the staff and missional communities), and connecting with new people. There are others leaders at Revolution who fill in gaps in other areas.

This means, I need to block out time for my sermon prep. I need to make sure it gets prime time for when my mind is alert, I’m creative and can get some quiet. For me, that is Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday mornings. I’m most awake in the morning. I can clear my calendar in the mornings, etc. This means I don’t check my email until lunch on those days. I stay away from breakfast meetings on those days (unless I need to schedule one).

Think in terms of percentage, not hours. This is a helpful idea for me. If you think about something you do, you might think, “I only spent 5 hours on it this week.” That might be true, but if you worked a 45-50 hour work week, that means you spent 9% of your week on that one thing. Was that strategic? The best use of your time? Was that a good way to use almost 10% of your week? I don’t know the answer to that. But thinking in terms of percentage of time instead of hours has been a helpful change for me.

Needs are real and will always be there. Some needs can wait, most needs are not as pressing as they first seem. Someone else may be able to meet the need in your place, and may do a better job than you at meeting that need.

I keep coming back to how can I be more strategic, how can I use my time to get the most value for the kingdom out of it, how can I steward my time well.

How to be more strategic in how you spend your time

Click To Tweet

Posted on

What I Doubt about God

by

doubt

I had a conversation recently with some friends and they asked how you discern the idols of your heart. We talk about this quite a bit at Revolution and what the gospel truth is. While there are some questions that others have developed that are very helpful, they pointed out that for them it seems to be a moving target.

One thing I pointed out that has helped me is discerning idols of the heart is what you doubt about God first or most.

For me, with a Reformed lens, I love the sovereignty of God. I rest in it, trust in it, believe in it wholeheartedly. It makes sense, I see it all over Scripture. It answers the deepest questions I ask. It is one of the easiest things for me to believe about God. When life does not go as I planned, seems out of my control, the sovereignty of God is the first thing I doubt.

Think about the approval idol. Someone who wrestles with this has a hard time believing they are loved by God. When they sin, the have doubts about God’s grace, forgiveness, that he will accept them in spite of their sin. They need to grow in God’s grace.

When it comes to comfort, in the moments of doubt and sin, those who struggle with this don’t believe God is good. They believe there is something else that is better than God in that moment.

Posted on

The Details of God

by

exodus

Katie and I are reading through the Bible right now and I just got done with Exodus and I’m moving into Leviticus.

One of the things that blew me away in Exodus are the details of God. While Exodus is a great story of how big and powerful God is, a great reminder about how God rescues us and redeems us.

Exodus shows the details to which God goes to redeem us. The details of the plagues, the provision of Israel in the wilderness. The details of the sacrifices and worship. Everything has been thought through.

It is a great reminder to me of how important all the things, big and small, in my life are to God. There is no detail too small, no detail that’s unimportant.

It also shows what God redeems us from. This past week, I preached on how the gospel frees us from our past, old ways of thinking and feeling. In Exodus, God goes to great length to show Israel that they are a new people, a redeemed people, his people. The passover is a great picture of this, the details that God gives them on how to eat, when, how quickly, etc. Showing them, you have a new identity, a new way.

Exodus also shows us how quickly the Israelites forget who God is, who they are, what God has rescued them from, what he has done for them and in them, and how quickly they fall back into old ways of thinking, feeling and believing. They complain more than almost anyone else in the Bible it seems. On and on they go, whining about how slavery is better than freedom.

I wonder if when we sin and fall into old ways of thinking, we are like the nation of Israelites. My old body image, my old goals and dreams, my old way of looking and thinking about money, marriage, sex, career, kids are better than a new way that’s formed in the gospel.

Posted on

Discerning the Idols of Your Heart

by

 

Tonight in my sermon we worked through some of the questions that can help you discern the idols of your heart. Each person has a default idol of their heart, what pushes them to make the decisions they do, both good and bad. Tim Chester points that each of us have an idol that is either for power, control, comfort or approval. They overlap and we might have all 4 at different times, but these 4 things push us to sin, succeed and live our lives.

The hope we have is that they will bring us the fulfillment we long for.

For example, when a man works a ton of hours to provide for his family, he is doing a good thing to provide for them. But he might be doing it so that his family will approve of him or that he will have the comfort he longs for.

Or, when one tries to control a situation through organizing every detail, keeping things in order. They might say they are organized or a detailed person, which might be true. It might also mean that it comes from a place of insecurity where they need to control everything instead of trusting in God.

Here are some questions we worked through tonight to discern what the idols of your heart are:

  1. What do I worry about?
  2. What do I use to comfort myself when life gets tough or things don’t go my way?
  3. What, if I lost would make me think life wasn’t worth living?
  4. What do I daydream about?
  5. What makes me feel the most self-worth?
  6. What do I lead with in conversations?
  7. Early on, what do I want to make sure people know about me?
  8. What prayer, unanswered would seriously make me consider walking away from God?
  9. What do I really want and expect out of life?
  10. What is my hope for the future? What will complete me?