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The Power of Sex, Love and Intimacy in our Lives

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love

Photo by Jez Timms on Unsplash

As we’ve been going through this series, we’ve repeatedly seen the power of intimacy and our longing to be known, loved, and cared for, so much so that we will go to great lengths to experience this in relationships. 

We will go to great lengths to be known, loved, and cared for.

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The reason is simple: we were created to be known, loved, and cared for. 

Yet, because of Genesis 3 and the brokenness of the world around us and inside us, many of our attempts to be known, loved, and cared for have led to some of our deepest regrets. 

Many of our attempts to be known, loved, and cared for have led to some of our deepest regrets.

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Many times in our lives, we underestimate the power of sexuality, ours, and those around us. We underestimate our desires, longings, addictions, and past sexual histories.

When you read Scripture, you see that we are created for relationships, for intimacy. We are created for knowing, and we long for that. Yet, our culture has connected sex, love, and intimacy and made it a big mess.

You can be intimate with someone without having sex. You can have sex with someone without being intimate.

Sex, love, and intimacy aren’t the same things.

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This confusion has led many to seek intimacy in places we can’t find.

This confusion comes from a couple of places. Culture, friends, our family of origin and how they navigated the topic of sex, porn, movies, and even the church. 

On Sunday, I shared 7 lies that we often believe about sex and intimacy. Here are a few of them: 

Our culture tells us that sex is just physical. On the surface, this sounds right. But deep down, we know that sex is more than just physical. We know that something more is going on.

This is why we struggle to tell our spouse about our sexual past and how many people we’ve slept with; we struggle to let go of the shame of abortion, sexual abuse, or addiction. 

This is why whenever I meet with someone and they ask me, “Can I tell you something I’ve never told anyone?” almost 100% of the time, it is sexual.

Because sex is never just physical; there is something deeper happening within our souls when it comes to our sexuality and longings. 

Pastor Tim Keller talks about this when he points out what Paul was talking about in 1 Corinthians 6:18: Why would Paul instruct his Christian audience to “flee” from immorality? Here’s why: All other sins a person commits . . . Sexual sin is like no other sin. Paul puts sexual sin in a category all by itself. “All other sins . . .” Here’s the second part: All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.

One of the lies the church tells us about sex is if you wait until you are married to have sex, God will reward you with mind-blowing sex and a magical wedding night.

I was told this again and again as a student in church. This was the message for every true love waits event, every purity ring event. It is well intended. But connected to this is another lie, and that is, when you get married, you will be able to fully express yourself sexually without guilt and shame.

Why talk about lies and what influences us?

We often underestimate the power of the stories we carry. We rarely step back and ask if what we’ve been told and what we believe is true or not. 

To experience the full scope of what God desires for us when it comes to our sexuality, we have to look at the impact of what we carry and have experienced. Only then can we bring those things before the throne of Jesus and find forgiveness and freedom. 

We see the couple in Song of Songs 4 experience this complete freedom in their relationship. They are completely safe with each other and don’t hold back in their relationship. They exemplify what Daniel Akin says about marriage, “A Christ-centered marriage always has two givers. There is not a giver and a taker or two takers. The husband gives himself without reserve to his wife. She, in return, is set free to give herself without reservation or hesitation. This is the beauty and glory of a redeemed, Christ-centered marriage.”

What might this look like practically? Here are some thoughts: 

Face your story. What have you walked through relationally and sexually? You should connect with a counselor to help you unpack the layers of this and its impact on your life and relationships. 

Protect yourself and your marriage or future marriage. If you are single, protect your heart, mind, and body. Save yourself for your spouse. I’ve never met someone who regretted protecting themselves before marriage, but I’ve met many people who wish they had.

Couples, protect your marriage, protect your eyes, serve each other.

Compliment each other often.

Pursue each other. Be playful and flirting, no matter what age you are. 

Think about how to be attractive to your spouse. This is not just about a wife being attractive; dress in ways that entice your spouse and say, “I’ve thought of you by putting this on.” This means trying. You should go through your drawers regularly and get rid of clothes the other doesn’t like or that don’t fit anymore or smell a little bit. 

Instead of pulling away, risk the difficult conversation. Drifting in relationships doesn’t take any effort. But when we drift, there is always a reason we are pulling away, and so we need to ask, “Why? What is going on?”

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18 Things Every Husband Should About His Wife

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Photo by Becca Tapert on Unsplash

Throughout this series, I’ve discussed the differences between men and women and husbands and wives. Each has different roles in a marriage, some of which depend on personalities, the life stage of the family, and talents. 

In Song of Songs 2 and throughout the New Testament, the husband is tasked with pursuing his wife. In the same way that Christ loves and pursues the church (Ephesians 5). This doesn’t mean a wife doesn’t pursue her husband; she should. But the path to a woman’s heart is through pursuit. 

The path to a woman’s heart is through pursuit.

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When men hear the idea of pursuit, they often think of date nights, gifts, and sex. And while that may be a part of it, that is a small fraction of what I’m talking about and what she longs for. 

Before discussing what this might look like, let me provide you with a grid to help you think through it. 

Here’s a simple question I’ve used to evaluate my heart and how I’m doing as a husband toward Katie: Is your wife more alive in her identity in Jesus because she’s married to you? Ephesians 5 is all about coming alive to your identity in Jesus. Your wife is a gift from God that you will present to God and give an account for. So, is she more alive in her identity in Jesus because she’s married to you?

Is your wife more alive in her identity in Jesus because she’s married to you?

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Many men struggle because they try to do things they think their wife wants or need in their marriage. If they asked and were a student of their spouse, they might learn what she wants. You know this feeling if you have ever felt mystified in your marriage or felt like two ships passing in the night. 

Below are some questions to which every husband should know the answer at any point about his wife (note: your wife is not a static object, so the answer may change yearly, monthly, and maybe daily!).

Ask if you don’t know the answer; she would love to tell you.

While these questions are directed at a husband toward his wife, here are some questions a couple should ask each other regularly (perfect for your next date night).

18 questions every husband should know about his wife.

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Know Your Wife

A husband should know his wife better than anyone else. He should know her likes and dislikes, what excites and disappoints her, her story, hopes, and dreams. He should also know what she likes regarding romance, affection, and the bedroom and strive to serve her in those areas, not for what he can get but because of what God calls him to.

Here are some questions to help with this:

  1. What foods does she like, what are her hobbies, and how does she relieve stress?
  2. What hopes and dreams does she have? How can you help her accomplish them?
  3. How is your wife doing right now?
  4. What is romantic to your wife?
  5. What gets your wife in the mood? What turns her off sexually?
  6. What does your wife like in the bedroom? What does she dislike?

Do you know your wife better than anyone else?

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Understand Your Wife

1 Peter 3:7 calls for a husband to live with their wife in an understanding way, but to do that, you have to understand your wife. This goes closely with knowing your wife, but as her life changes, the kids age and move out, this will change regularly. A husband’s job is to stay on top of these things and know what is happening in his wife’s heart, mind, and soul.

Here are some questions to help with this:

  1. Is your wife flourishing right now?
  2. When is she most productive?
  3. How much sleep does she need?
  4. What does she need right now in the stage of life you are in to alleviate stress?
  5. How is she doing on cultivating friendships with other women?
  6. What areas is she hoping to grow spiritually (i.e., parenting, theology, spiritual practices)? How can you help her? What books can you buy her to read (hint: women read more than men)? 

Ever feel confused by your wife? Here are six ways to understand your wife.

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Honor Your Wife

Many men speak to their wives and treat her like one of the guys. She is not; she is more special than any car, boat, possession, child, or career. She is your most precious relationship, a gift from God. Treat her as such. Honor is a basic tenet of manhood. Let me say another way: if you don’t honor your wife, you are a child, not a man.

6 ways to know if you are honoring your wife.

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Here are some questions to help with this:

  1. Are you respectful to your wife in private and public when you talk to her and about her?
  2. Do you allow your kids to speak disrespectfully to your wife?
  3. Does the way you talk about your wife demand that others look at her in a positive light?
  4. Do you talk about her and look at her so others will look up to her?
  5. If I spent 10 minutes listening to you talk about your wife, would I know she is your most important human relationship?
  6. Do you pursue her daily, weekly, and yearly? Do you plan weekly date nights that show your love and attention to her?

18 ways to communicate love to your wife.

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6 Ways to Make Your Marriage Refreshing

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All married couples long for their marriage to be refreshing. To be a place of safety, comfort, love, and peace. Yet, many couples do things that break this environment or, at the least, keep this from being what their marriage is all about.

They might not do it intentionally. Sometimes, we sabotage things that feel too good to be true.

There is a beautiful picture of what a marriage should be like in Song of Solomon 1:14. The woman compares their relationship to En Gedi. En Gedi is an oasis in the desert near the Dead Sea. Out of nowhere, this oasis springs up with lush trees, plants, water, and even a waterfall.

Yet, this is not what most relationships and marriages are like. Most marriages are filled with stress, pain, nagging, hurtful words, anger, outbursts, and even abuse.

It doesn’t have to be this way, and couples don’t get married to live in the desert; they get married hoping for the oasis. But how do you make the trip?

6 Ways to Make your Marriage Refreshing.

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Here are six simple ways to get there:

1. Stop nagging. Many couples nag at each other, put each other down, get on each other’s cases, and are mean to each other. This creates an environment no one wants to be in, a family working against itself. This isn’t rocket science, yet many couples nag and make fun of each other to accomplish something. When a couple does this, they will say that they are trying to get something done (a project, their spouse to change, wake their spouse up), but what is happening is pushing them away. Every time nagging occurs in a relationship, it comes from a place of brokenness. Sometimes, nagging comes from a place of disappointment, either in yourself, your spouse, or even where you thought your life and marriage would be at this point. Sometimes, you must grieve that things aren’t going as expected and learn to move forward, but that’s another post.

Nagging in relationships comes from a place of brokenness.

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2. Start talking. One of the best ways to make your marriage refreshing is talking. Opening up to your hopes, dreams, and disappointments, and sharing your past, your hurts, and your joys. Many couples who are in marriages that are not refreshing find themselves keeping things bottled up or opening up more to someone they aren’t married to than they do to their spouse. Your spouse should know more about you than anyone else. Always.

3. Start serving. If you look at couples in refreshing marriages, an oasis in the desert, you will see two people striving to outserve the other. One simple question to ask your spouse is, “What can I do to make your life easier or less stressful? How can I help you?” I asked Katie about this years ago, and her answer surprised me. She said, “Make sure the kitchen is clean before bed.” That wasn’t what I expected, but if that didn’t happen, we all got up the next day and felt behind or maybe had to finish cleaning something up that could’ve been done the night before. Here are a few other questions to ask your spouse regularly to work as one.

Happy marriage secret: Outserve your spouse.

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4. Start pursuing. What made you want to get married was pursuit. You did things together, couldn’t wait to see each other, and planned date nights and trips. You pursued your future spouse, which is one reason they became your current spouse. Along the way, the pursuit ended. Pursuing your spouse is one of the fastest ways to create a refreshing marriage. Plan date nights (they don’t have to be expensive), do things the other one likes (even if you hate it), participate in hobbies together (even if you don’t like the hobby), and lastly, pursue each other sexually. Husband and wife should initiate affection and sex regularly. As I discussed earlier in this series, long kisses are essential to any marriage.

1 thing every married couple needs to stop and 5 things you need to start.

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5. Start believing. Couples who have a refreshing marriage believe in each other. They believe in the best, hope for the best, believe in their spouse’s dreams, and encourage them to pursue them. A refreshing marriage is one where you never have to say, “Don’t you want to have? Don’t you want me to pursue my dreams?” A marriage stuck in the desert has those conversations. Remember, #3? This comes from a place of serving, and when you’re serving, you are willing to put your dreams on hold, if necessary, instead of fighting for them.

6. Start setting up. A refreshing marriage is one where spouses try to help the other succeed. They ask, “How can I set my spouse up for success? How can I make them look good to others? How can I help them reach their goals?” A desert couple says, “What about me and my dreams? Who’s setting me up?” A desert couple doesn’t fight for oneness but for themselves.

An unhappy couple doesn’t fight for oneness but for themselves.

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The reality is that even though every couple wants a marriage in the oasis, we will often choose the desert. It is what we know; it is easier, less work, and honestly, the desert allows us to be selfish.

Don’t buy it, though. No one lives very long in the desert.

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My Favorite Books of the Year

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At the end of the year, many of us reflect on the year and share what we did and didn’t love. Many people create their end-of-year lists, and I always share my favorite books.

Because I was beginning my doctoral project, much of my reading was centered around that.

Below is a photo of my favorite books of the year, with my favorite one on top. To see everything I read this year, go here.

If you’re curious about past years’ lists, click on the numbers: 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021, 2022, and 2023.

First, the fun books!

When I wasn’t reading for school, I read novels, biographies, and historical books to give my brain a break.

Here are my five favorite novels or history books of the year:

My favorite novels of the year.

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  1. All Colors of the Dark
  2. The God of the Woods
  3. A Death in Cornwall
  4. Midnight in Chernobyl
  5. The Mysterious Case of Rudolf Diesel
My favorite history books of the year.

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All of these were fascinating.

Now, for my non-fiction picks!

My favorite books of the year.

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Building the Life You Want: The Art and Science of Getting Happier. I appreciated this book. Most books about happiness deal with thinking more positively, which is helpful. This one looked at how relationships and difficulty play a role in our happiness, which I felt was more attuned to real life. 

The Other Half of Church: Christian Community, Brain Science, and Overcoming Spiritual Stagnation. I have to read this book again for school this coming year, so this might also appear on my list in 2025! This helps to explain why and how people grow spiritually and what leads to stagnation. Sadly, what leads to stagnation is what many churches focus a lot of energy on.

The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness. This is a book every parent, pastor, and educator needs to read. It is eye-opening and scary, but it also has many great ideas on how to help your children navigate technology. There were times when I wished we had many different choices, but it also helped solidify some of our decisions regarding technology and our kids. 

Transforming Church: Bringing Out the Good to Get to Great. It was easily my favorite book I read for school this year. I have no idea how I had never heard of it before. It’s so good. I highlighted so many pages. Pastors, get this book and read it in 2025!

Land of my Sojourn: The Landscape of a Faith Lost and Found. Mike Cosper hosted the excellent podcast The Rise and Fall of Mars Hill. As a former Acts 29 pastor, I felt this book was a lot of my journey over the years. I really appreciated it. 

Timothy Keller: His Spiritual and Intellectual Formation. I read this during summer vacation, and it was fascinating. I love the writings and teachings of Tim Keller, and to get a window into what influenced him and made him who he is was a great look. It’s not a typical biography. 

Congregational Leadership in Anxious Times: Being Calm and Courageous No Matter What. This was another book I read for school, and it explained much of what our church experienced before I arrived in 2021 and the journey since. I repeatedly told Katie I wished I had read this before moving here. This is an excellent read if you navigate change and lead a church through change. It isn’t so much a how-to on leading change but more of what is happening internally while that change is happening and what to do about it. 

Family Systems and Congregational Life: A Map for Ministry. This book was on my reading list for my spring class at Fulerl, and it was a good one. I loved the chapter on preaching, but it also provided incredible insights into the triangles that pastors find themselves in. These were eye-opening, ones I never even considered.

The Gift of Disillusionment: Enduring Hope for Leaders After Idealism Fades was one of my favorite books this year. It is so raw and helpful in navigating the difficulties of life and leadership. The authors spent a lot of time examining the life of Jeremiah and his relationship with God. This book offers many helpful insights if you are struggling to endure faithfully. 

Of Boys and Men: Why the Modern Male Is Struggling, Why It Matters, and What to Do about It. As a father of 4 boys, I read and listen to a lot about raising and launching sons. Scott Galloway has a lot of great insights into this as well, but this book is so helpful. It is filled with a lot of data and valuable ideas on how to help men as they grow up. If you have sons or grandsons, you need to read this in the coming year. 

The best ten books I read this year.

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Top Posts of the Year

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Photo by Timo Müller on Unsplash

As we get closer to the end of the year, it’s time to share the year’s top posts. It had to be a blog post I wrote in 2024 to get on this list. It has been a whirlwind of a year with one of our kids starting college, another getting ready to go to college, starting my doctorate, and continuing to get settled into life in New England. Most of my blog posts have come from sermons in the past year or things I’m reading and researching for my doctoral project.

Thanks for reading along and being a part of the journey!

Here are the top posts of the year:

1. Pastors Lose 5 – 7 Relationships Per Year

2. 8 Things I Wish People Knew About Enneagram 8’s

3. Preaching in Your First Year at a New Church

4. Should Women Lead & Teach in the Church?

5. The God of Delays (John 11)

6. How to Plan a Preaching Calendar

7. How a Church Falls

8. What I Didn’t Know About Being a Lead Pastor

9. How to Walk with People through Pain & Difficulty

10. How to Handle Tension at Church

Stay tuned for my post on the top books of the year!

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Thriving in the ‘In Between’ Times of Life

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Have you ever found yourself stuck?

As a leader or pastor, do you know where you want your church or organization to be, but it isn’t moving forward? Or maybe you are married, and you have a vision for your marriage or family, but it isn’t moving towards that or at the speed that you want. 

Often, we live in the in-between times of life and leadership.

The “in-between” is when you know (or at least desire something) where you are going personally, with your dreams and goals, or with your church or organization; you see the vision, the place, but you can’t go there yet. It might be timing, it might be that you need more finances, more leaders, or you need to allow people time to train or get used to the idea.

Whatever it is, the in-between time is tough to live in and lead in.

It is tough to lead and live when you’re stuck in the in-between.

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Leaders feel this when they know their church should make a change, stop a ministry or program, add a staff member they can’t afford, or change locations, but they are waiting.

The in-between.

We know this feeling when we want to complete school, start dating someone who isn’t ready yet, or get married to someone who isn’t ready.

The in-between.

It is the pain of longing to have children that never happens. It is the late nights as we wait for kids to fall asleep, start listening, or simply grow up and move out so we can get to the next season of life.

The in-between.

Many of us live our lives longing to be in the next place.

Do you wish your life was someplace else?

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You know where you are going in the in-between, but you can only talk about it with some. You need to wait for more information for things to fall into place before you let people know and clarify things. A leader lacks influence when he says, “In eight months, this change will happen. So we’ll just wait until then, but it’s coming.”

You can get antsy and frustrated in the in-between because it isn’t getting here. The frustration also comes from seeing things as they are when you know what they will be like and must wait for it. That’s not easy. It means biting your tongue, grinning, and bearing some things until it’s time.

The in-between is also a time when your faith is stretched. You learn about your impatience and lack of belief in God’s power and control as you wonder why He is taking so long, as if His timing is not perfect.

Leadership in this time is difficult because momentum is easily lost. It can be lost because you, as the leader, have moved into the future, but you can’t talk about it yet. Consequently, you are running out of steam on where things are. You must stay mentally engaged in the present, where God has you and your church.

The in-between time is also the time that grows us the most. That’s its blessing. Without it, we can never reach the place God wants us to be. It is easy to despair in the in-between, but if we do, we miss the point.

How to live in the in-between.

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The 1 Thing Holding You Back Spiritually

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Photo by Rod Long on Unsplash

In Mark 10, Jesus has a fascinating conversation with a wealthy man, also known as “the rich young ruler.” While the conversation is about money and stuff, it is also about what keeps us from wholeheartedly following Jesus. 

The man asks Jesus, “What must I do to inherit eternal life?” He betrays in this question that, from his perspective, eternal life is for those who do the right things. While many followers of Jesus would scoff at this question, many think the same way as this man. While many of us would say that we view grace as the entrance into the life that Jesus offers, we live like our behavior is what will keep us in that life.

While many of us would say that we view grace as the entrance into the life that Jesus offers, but then we live like our behavior is what will keep us in that life.

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Jesus responds to him in his line of thinking about the commandments. He tells Jesus he has kept all of them since he was a youth, so this, at least in his mind, is a righteous man. 

Jesus tells him, “You lack one thing…“

I want to pause the conversation and make sure you don’t miss a detail that Mark includes. This is one of the most incredible details in all of the gospel readings. Before Jesus responds, Mark tells us that Jesus looked at the man with love. Often, when we read the words of Jesus, we read them in different tones of voice: sometimes, we will read them in a condescending tone, a disappointing tone, or even a tone that says, “You should have this figured out by now.” But Mark wants us to know that the way Jesus responds to this man is in love, which means that Jesus wants nothing but the best for this man.

Jesus tells him, with love, “You lack one thing: Go, sell all you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”

His command is to go, sell, give, come, and follow.

We often fall into two traps with Mark 10: to lessen Jesus’ demands or think they aren’t for us. 

We often fall into two traps with Mark 10: to lessen Jesus’ demands or think they aren’t for us.

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Jesus did not tell everybody to sell everything they have and give it to the poor; he did tell at least one person that. 

But I don’t think the focus of the passage is on selling everything we have and giving it to the poor but on figuring out the one thing that keeps us from wholeheartedly following Jesus. For this man, it was his money and stuff, and for many of us, it might also be our money and stuff. But it might also be our family relationships, our careers, or our status in a community. 

Jesus did not tell everybody to sell everything they have and give it to the poor; he did tell at least one person that.

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The question for every follower of Jesus is to ask: Is there anything in my life that is keeping me from wholeheartedly following Jesus?

If we are willing to identify that and work through what we lack, on the other hand, that will be the spiritual breakthrough that we long to have.

The question for every follower of Jesus is to ask: Is there anything in my life that is keeping me from wholeheartedly following Jesus?

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5 Lessons from the Upper Room Discourse (John 13 – 17)

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Photo by Tim Wildsmith on Unsplash

I recently wrapped up a sermon series on John 13 to 17, the upper room discourse. It takes place on the night that Jesus is betrayed by one of his followers and arrested, and is less than 24 hours from his crucifixion. Reading through these passages in that light takes on newer and more profound meanings for people who have heard these verses.

Jesus is preparing himself for what lies ahead and trying as hard as possible to prepare the disciples, especially because they do not realize what is about to happen. You see this in their questions and interactions with Jesus. The number of times that they ask him, “What are you talking about?” We don’t understand what you were talking about. They also have side conversations about Jesus’s comments about returning to the Father and not knowing what he’s talking about (John 16).

As I reflected on the series and the conversations that I had with people in my church, I thought I would share five things that stood out to me:

Jesus was serious about love.  John 13:35 is quoted quite a bit in churches. In it, Jesus says that the world will know who his disciples are by how they love one another. While this is a well-known verse, very few Christians actually live out it.

If you don’t believe that, ask yourself: Does the world find the church and their love for each other inviting or repelling?

It is interesting to read through the gospels how many conversations Jesus had with people about loving their neighbor and who their neighbor was. Throughout history, Christians have tried to figure out how to avoid loving their neighbor or the person at their church who is challenging to love. And yet Jesus sits with his disciples, including Judas, and tells them to love one another.

This verse is even more powerful because it follows Jesus washing all of the disciples’ feet. He serves them in a way that in that culture would’ve been seen as very humiliating and then tells them this is what love looks like. So, the question we have to ask is, am I serving the people around me in a way like Jesus did in John 13?

What if Jesus was serious when he told us to love one another and that by this everyone would know that we are his disciples.

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It’s okay if you don’t know what God is doing.  Many followers of Jesus believe they should always know what God is up to or calling them to do. We tend to beat ourselves up if we don’t understand something in the Bible or struggle to believe something about God or have questions or doubts about God. However, one of the interesting things throughout the upper room discourse is how confused the disciples were by what Jesus kept saying. They asked him question after question and even had side conversations with each other about what Jesus was talking about and how they had no idea what he was talking about.

Do you see this most clearly in John 16 when they look at each other and ask what he is saying? I wonder what that interaction was like. Did they say it quietly so that Jesus didn’t hear them? But Jesus does hear them and asks them questions about it. However, I think the tone in which we read Jesus’s voice is critical. Often, we can read Jesus’s tone and ask the disciples questions in a very angry or disappointed tone. But I think the tone that Jesus has when he asks them do you not understand? It is one of love and compassion.

Five things I learned from preaching through the upper room discourse.

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Jesus knew unity mattered and would be difficult. In John 17, we see the longest recorded prayer in scripture. It is what is known as Jesus’s high priestly prayer, and in it, Jesus prays for three things: our security in the Father, our sanctification in the Spirit, and our unity. 

In John 17, Jesus prays for three things: our security in the Father, our sanctification in the Spirit, and our unity.

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But I found it most interesting that of all the things that Jesus could have prayed for his disciples, he prayed that they would have unity. This tells us that unity is incredibly important to Jesus, but he also knew that it would be challenging for us to live out, which is why he prayed for it.

But then he says why we should have unity because it will tell the world that the Father sent Jesus and that the Father loves them. So unity is not just some pie-in-the-sky idea that Jesus had but essential to the mission of God being fulfilled here on earth.

We barely scratch the surface of the Holy Spirit’s power. One of the most difficult things for people to wrap their minds around was for the disciples when Jesus told them it would be better for him to leave so that the spirit could come to live in each of his disciples.

Along with us, he tells his disciples that they will do greater things than he has because of the power of the Spirit living in them.

There’s a lot of debate about what this means and what Jesus intended for the disciples to know. The one thing that seems clear is that most Christians barely scratch the surface of the power of the Holy Spirit and what that means as we live our daily lives with the Holy Spirit living in us.

Eternity is real, and it is our home. John 14 is often a passage used when you preach at a funeral, but it is more than that. When Jesus’s disciples begin to understand that Jesus is leaving and have questions about it, the comfort that Jesus gives them is telling them that he is going to the Father, and when he goes to the Father, he will prepare a place for them. So, he tells them about eternity in difficulty, hardship, anxiety, and fear. This tells us that eternity is real and that if we look towards eternity, we will begin to see how that answers our worries and anxieties.

5 things Jesus told his disciples right before he was arrested and crucified.

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Thriving in Life and Leadership in Your 40’s and Beyond

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Photo by Nik Shuliahin  on Unsplash

There are conversations that you have with someone that mark you in good and bad ways. 

One of those (in a good way) was when I was 35. I was talking to my Spiritual Director, who told me, “Josh, what worked in your 20s and 30s won’t work in your 40s and 50s. And what works in your 40s and 50s won’t work in your 60s and 70s.”

What worked in your 20s and 30s won’t work in your 40s and 50s. And what works in your 40s and 50s won’t work in your 60s and 70s.

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Instinctively, we know this to be true. Yet, you only have to look at the people in their mid-40s burning out, trying to work, and acting like they are still in their early 30s. The men who buy sports cars in their 50s to recapture their youth. Or the people who trade in a spouse for another younger one. 

This statement got me thinking: What worked in my 20’s and 30’s? 

I would encourage you to write those things down. That doesn’t mean they will stop working, but if this statement is true (and I’ve seen it to be true in my life and the lives of others), it is essential to know what worked for us. 

Your list will look different from mine, but this exercise showed me some of my strengths in friendships, leadership, marriage, and parenting. 

Now, if you are brave, I would encourage you to send this list to your spouse or a close friend and ask, “Is there anything on this list that isn’t working anymore?” Those closest to us can often see things we are unaware of in our lives. 

What worked in your 20s that won’t work in your 40s?

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Let’s take a simple one: energy. 

In your 20s and 30s, you have boundless energy. Yes, you lose some of it when you have kids and navigate the late-night feedings and early mornings. But your body recovers, and you keep pushing. You are building your career, family, and finances. You may have started a business or are working up the ladder. You are filled with ideas. 

You may even look around the table at your company and imagine the day you are running it. You have so many ideas and wonder when the old guys will get out of the way so you can get started. 

But then something happens. Your energy starts to slow down. It is more challenging for you to get going in the morning. That drive you used to have isn’t there anymore. The innovative ideas you used to have aren’t as quick, and as you look in the mirror, you realize you aren’t young anymore. 

Why you might be stuck in life, leadership and relationships.

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Many in this moment try to double down on what worked. They go to another conference, hire a coach, listen to more podcasts, work longer hours, and sign up for a CrossFit gym. Trying to recapture what was. They might even get a new hairstyle and change their clothes. After all, they don’t want to turn into the frumpy old guys around the table.

And for a little while, this might work. You feel some new energy and some new ideas that work. 

But this is short-lived. 

Something else is happening that we are often entirely unaware of: We are grieving and don’t know it. 

One of the hardest things in life is when you are grieving and don’t know it.

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One reason we get stuck in life is that we don’t grieve what we lost when these turns in life happen. When our bodies slow down and the ideas aren’t as quick, we need to grieve. When our kids grow up and leave the stages of life, while this is exciting, losses are involved. 

Arthur Brooks, in his fantastic book From Strength to Strength: Finding Success, Happiness, and Deep Purpose in the Second Half of Life, discusses how we can come up with incredible ideas in the first half of our lives, but in the second half, we can explain how things work or explain ideas and see how things go together much quicker than we can earlier in life. We see patterns in ideas more than we see ideas. 

This isn’t a bad thing, but it is a difficult situation to navigate if you are always the person who comes up with the ideas. 

The changes that happen to your relationships, health, and leadership in your 40’s.

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Once I started to understand what worked for me in my 20s and 30s (and some of those things still work great for me), I was able to understand what might be changing in me that I needed to be aware of and pay attention to. 

While turning seasons and chapters in life can be difficult and lead to apathy, pain, or ambivalence, it doesn’t have to. The new seasons can and do bring new life, but we have to let go of the seasons that are ending, which includes what is happening in us emotionally, mentally and physically. 

Things that trip us up in our 40’s.

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What to do When Life Beats You Down

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Photo by whoislimos on Unsplash

The reality of evil and suffering is one that a lot of people have argued about and questioned God on, and it is one of the main roadblocks to trusting God and following him.

In my years as a pastor, I’ve sat with couples who have buried a child, adults burying their parents, and wept with people who just found out they had cancer and a short time to live. I have listened to the brokenhearted stories about the end of a marriage, a child who wants nothing to do with the family or God, the loss of jobs, financial difficulties and addictions that can’t be beaten.

It’s heartbreaking, and those are just the ones I’ve been party to. This doesn’t even count the national and international tragedies and natural disasters we see every day on the news and on social media.

What to do when the storms of life beat you down.

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I’ve walked through the loss of friends, difficulty in family and work relationships, loss of jobs, setbacks in life, and challenges in starting our church. I’ve walked through the joys and difficulties of moving a family across the country, pastoring a hurting church while watching it grow and reach new people, and walking through the pain of having people leave. I’ve looked at mountains in my own life that seemed impossible to get past, hurt that felt so painful I thought I could never recover, betrayal that ran deep.

And then sits Romans 8:28 – 30. One of the most quoted verses in the Bible is Romans 8:28 – 30. It has been used for encouragement over and over in the lives of thousands since Paul wrote it.

It says: And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.

Right now, you might be in the midst of a storm in life. You might not be. If you aren’t, the reality is your storm is coming at some point.

Here are a few questions to help you see where you are, where God is in the storm you are, and how to have the faith to walk through what you are in and what is ahead:

4 questions to help you trust God when life feels out of your control.

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What storm are you facing? It is crucial to identify the storm you are facing. Often, we don’t know what it is. We simply feel down, or something feels off from what used to be or what we hope. Sometimes, it isn’t a storm we’re in the middle of; we’re simply tired or burned out. Other times, we are in the dark place of the storm, and the waves are crashing around us. Also, without identifying our storm, we will struggle to see anything God is doing because we’ll simply go into survival mode or become jaded.

Identifying a storm is a key to getting through the storm.

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Are there any sins that need to be confronted? By this I mean, have you sinned to get you into the place you are in, or has someone else? Take finances for an example. This can cause an incredibly stressful storm, but many of our financial issues (housing market, retirement, etc.) are out of our control. Other financial storms are in our control (debt, spending, saving, giving, etc.). Or relational storms: did you hurt someone? Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? Is there someone you need to confront or forgive and let go of?

Look back at a storm, hurt, or pain from your past. With some distance from that situation, can you see God’s hand? I know that the further I am from a situation, the more clarity I have. I will often see my pride and sin more clearly, but I also see God’s hand more clearly. The reality is that on this side of heaven, we will not have answers for everything that happens to us. We aren’t promised that. We are promised that God will never leave or forsake us, that all things serve a purpose in God’s plan, and that all things will bring about God’s glory and our good if we are called by him and love him.

Sometimes you must look back to go forward.

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What does looking at your past help you to see about God with what you are facing? What is he trying to do right now? I like to look back on my life because it often helps me move forward. This is why God had the nation of Israel do things to remember how he moved in the past. This is why, as followers of Jesus, we do things like communion and baptism to remember how God worked in the past, which enormously impacts our faith in the future.

4 ways to handle when ministry gets hard.

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