Posted on Thursday, March 6, 2025

One Conversation that Can Improve Your Marriage

by Josh Reich

Photo by Neora Aylon on Unsplash

On Sunday, we looked at the marks of a marriage that lasts. While the passage has clear applications for all relationships, we looked particularly at the needs of men and women and how they play out in marriage. If you aren’t married, we’d encourage you to read about your love language and think about how you give and receive love the best to help you as you look for a spouse and/or improve your most important relationships.

Often, we encounter issues when trying to show and communicate love in a way that doesn’t make sense to the other person. Each person has different needs and different love languages.

Do you know your spouse’s love lanauge?

Years ago, Katie and I read a book called His Needs, Her Needs, which proved very helpful to us in our relationship. In it, the author lays out the top 5 needs for a man and a woman. While these needs may vary, meaning your top 5 may not be his, they at least create an opportunity for connection and conversation.

Here they are.

Women Men

Affection Sexual Fulfillment

Intimate Conversations Recreational Companionship

Honesty and Openness Physical Attractiveness

Financial Support Domestic Support

Family/Leadership Commitment Admiration

Do you know the top 5 emotional needs of your spouse?

Before getting into the conversation, let me make a brief comment on sexual fulfillment and physical attractiveness. We unpacked this some on Sunday, but in case you didn’t hear this, I think this is important because this can be distorted in our culture or church circles; we misuse passages and studies to guilt women into having sex with their husbands.

Sexual fulfillment is not just something men are interested in, but women as well. Sexual fulfillment is also not just about sex, but I think about a larger conversation around intimacy and connection. Physical attractiveness is not about looking like a model on Instagram with all the filters on. The way we frame physical attractiveness is about effort and trying. As a couple ages and life takes over, the effort and trying starts to go out the window in many areas for men and women. This is a great reminder to hit pause and ask, “Are we still trying?”

Here is our challenge for you this week, if you’re married.

Look at the above list and rank yours from 1 to 5. Again, these may vary depending on personality, season of life, health, etc. Your list may have a need on it that isn’t listed above. That’s okay.

Then, share your list with your spouse.

1 conversation that can change your marriage.

We’d encourage you to talk through how each of you is doing. Start with wins and compliments. Share how the other person is knocking it out of the park. Encourage each other.

Then, share one way to improve each one on the above list. Do your best not to get defensive or historical or to insult the other person. Often, when we have these kinds of conversations, our first reaction is to say, “What about this or that?” Or to bring up something from the past (historical), I want to encourage you to resist this temptation.

This is an opportunity to grow closer and take your relationship to the next level.

1 conversation every married couple should have.

Posted on Monday, March 3, 2025

5 Things that Hurt Your Marriage

by Josh Reich

Photo by Andrik Langfield on Unsplash

Healthy relationships take work. Healthy marriages that people want to stay in don’t just happen, although we think they do. We believe two people magically work together, never fight, and never have an issue or disagreement to work through, but they do.

So, where do things go wrong? How can a friendship that was working so well, a marriage that seemed so right, suddenly seem all wrong?

And often, that’s how it feels. When a marriage goes off the rails, it feels sudden, but it has been moving in that direction for several months or years.

In some ways, the list below is a dashboard to ask, “Are we going off the track and not knowing it?”

5 reasons marriages stop working.

It’s too much work. Healthy relationships take a lot of work. It means being patient, listening, hearing someone out, and putting your wants and privileges aside. That’s work.

It means sacrificing and serving the other person, laying aside your wants and desires for the other person or your family. That is easier said than done.

It hurts too much to face their past or do the hard work. As we’ll see later, almost every fight in a relationship is not about what you are fighting about. You are fighting with a past incident, a hurt you haven’t dealt with, a person you see in the person in front of you. They remind you of your dad or mom; they said words similar to an abuser or someone who you were supposed to trust. Healthy people face their past and see it redeemed by the power of Jesus. This doesn’t mean that you pray, and it is gone. The memories and scars stay, but you move forward in healthy ways.

Unhealthy people use their past and stay the victim instead of finding healing. This is hard work and can be incredibly painful. In any argument, you have to ask the crucial question, “Are we fighting about this? What are we fighting about? Who am I fighting with?”

They want the other person to do all the work and change. Just like #1, being lazy and selfish in relationships is easy. Serving, putting in the work, putting the other person’s needs and wants first takes work. Often, too, we want the other person to work to become a healthy person while we stay unhealthy. “I’ll hold on to that incident and bring it up whenever it suits me. I’ll remind them of my hurt instead of dealing with it.”

They think they are better than their spouse or the other person. Sometimes, people are in an unhealthy relationship because they believe they are less sinful than the other person. They look down on them. They wouldn’t say this but hold the other person’s sin in contempt, thinking, “How can they not see that? Why do they struggle with that?” They turn up their noses at the thought of working hard to reconcile with a spouse or a friend. They will say it is the other person’s fault, but deep down, they are the least sinful person they know.

Confuse what reconciliation means. Reconciliation doesn’t mean you are friends with everyone. You might need to protect yourself from an abusive situation, and you may need to protect your kids as well. Reconciliation means that you don’t hold it against the person anymore and don’t bring up the past. You stop saying, “Remember…?”

5 things that hurt a marriage.

Posted on Thursday, February 27, 2025

6 Reasons Pastors Quit (And What To Do about It)

by Josh Reich

Photo by Luis Villasmil on Unsplash

I heard at a conference recently that 2 out of 5 pastors are thinking about quitting ministry.

Many people attending church may be surprised, but pastors know this reality.

Pastors regularly wake up after a hard day or season of ministry and wonder what life would be like in a different job. This isn’t just pastors, as I’m sure anyone reading this has thought about quitting their job and trying something different.

But why do pastors feel this?

Pastors know this.

Many people in their churches do not.

There are a few reasons why pastors think about quitting:

1. Ministry is hard work. Every job is hard. Whether you are a pastor, an electrician, an engineer, or a barista. Life and work is hard. Ministry is no different. You can’t be naive about this. Too many pastors have rose-colored glasses about putting out a church sign and just expecting people to show up, and the people who show up will be bought in, not messy and without difficulty.

I think one of the things that pastors need to learn how to navigate is not only the physical, mental, and emotional side of their role (as all jobs do) but also the spiritual side (especially the warfare they and their families will experience) and moments of grief and loss. These are the things that set ministry apart.

Handling your energy is a stewardship issue.

2. They aren’t sleeping or eating well. There is a direct connection between how you eat, how you sleep, and the level of energy you have. Handling your energy is a stewardship issue. Leaders have a lot of meetings over meals and drink a lot of coffee or energy drinks. They stay up too late watching TV, surfing social media instead of sleeping, taking a sabbath, or doing something recharging and refreshing.

There is a direct connection between how you eat, how you sleep & your energy level.

This becomes even more of an issue the older you get. Now that I’m in my 40s, I don’t have the same energy levels I had in my 20s. But many leaders try to lead and live like they are half their age.

We often quote the verse about how our bodies are a temple, which means our bodies are meant for stewardship and worship. How we treat them is a direct reflection of our worship. So what we put into them and put them through is connected to our worship.

3. They don’t have an outlet. Whenever I get tired, it is often because I am not taking my retreat day, hanging out with friends, or doing fun things. Leaders and pastors are notorious for being bad friends and struggling to have hobbies and do fun things. You will start to think about quitting, not being thankful, begrudgingly going to meetings or counseling people. Get outside, take a break, slow down.

When was the last time you took a break and had fun?

4. Tensions. Tensions are a part of life because tensions are a part of every relationship. Tensions in life aren’t necessarily a bad thing. Andy Stanley says,”Tensions show us things we need to pay attention to.” In the last few years, those tensions have increased in our culture, and I think everyone feels it. Some of the tensions in our culture are around sexual identity, politics, or race. Those tensions can find their way into churches. Still, you add a lot of tensions around community and relationships, conflict, finances, theology, and the shifting sands of culture. Pastors also have tensions in life; they navigate as they parent, age, and deal with aging parents. Part of the role of pastors is carrying tensions others carry, whether that is healthy or not. Pastors often feel like they are running ragged because of this.

Pastor, you must learn how to navigate the tensions in your life and let go of them.

5. Not leading from a place of burden. Leaders are idea machines. We read books, go to conferences, listen to podcasts, and look for the latest trend, but those are ideas, not a vision. It is easy to confuse the two.

A vision is what drives you and comes from a burden. Any leader, if you want to know their vision, ask about their burden. You must keep that in the forefront. I wake up and want to lead and build an irresistible church to our next-door neighbors and the next generation. This burden is ingrained in experiences growing up and watching churches fail to reach this demographic, especially men.

Vision is not an idea, it is a burden.

Many pastors begin out of a place of burden when they start. But then life and ministry just seem to happen. They take some hits, have some failures, and slowly, that burden disappears.

You must continually remind yourself of this burden. You must put yourself in places where this fire is rekindled.

Whatever it takes!

6. Not dealing with emotions. I was unprepared for how emotionally tiring ministry and leadership can be. It can be hard to walk with people who get a divorce, get fired, wreck their lives, funerals, and miscarriages. This can wreck your heart. You must learn to deal with the emotional ride of pastoring. If you don’t, you will become a statistic.

6 reasons pastors think about quitting.

Part of this journey for pastors is learning to acknowledge their journeys with a trusted friend or counselor. Too often, as leaders, we try to be strong and think we are doing our team, spouse, and church a favor. Sometimes, this is true, which makes leadership so tricky. There has to come a moment when you can let go of someone. Share precisely where you are, what you need, and what you are carrying.

Posted on Monday, February 24, 2025

4 Things that Hurt Your Most Important Relationships

by Josh Reich

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Relationships are hard work.

We don’t want to admit it. In our culture, something must be wrong if a relationship is difficult or takes work. Usually, it just means it is a relationship, a friendship, or a marriage.

Many of our relationship difficulties come not from the other person but from us not reconciling our past and what no longer works in our lives and relationships.

Almost all marriage and relationship problems go back to communication. One person is not saying what they want/need or the other person is not listening.

Neil Strauss said, “Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.”

Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments. -Neil Strauss

What is saddest to watch, and I do this too, is we are content for a relationship to fall apart or not be what it could be instead of saying what we want or need. We settle for less.

Dr. John Gottman says four things destroy relationships in his excellent book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. He calls them The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse. As I walk through these, listen to which one is your go-to move in relationships, because you have one.

The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse in relationships.

Criticism. A complaint and criticism are different.

A complaint is, “I’m frustrated you didn’t put away your clothes last night.” A criticism is, “Why are you so forgetful? I hate having to pick up after you all the time. You just don’t care.”

Two words go with criticism: always and never. You always. You never.

Two words go with criticism: always and never. You always. You never.

Or by asking, “What is wrong with you? Why can’t you remember anything? Why can’t I count on you? Why are you always so selfish? What is wrong with you? What is your problem?”

When we criticize a child, spouse, or friend, we demean them and elevate ourselves.

This also brings shame into the relationship, which is a powerful tool in relationships.

Contempt. The second horseman comes right after criticism and is contempt.

This sense of superiority over the other person comes through as a form of disrespect.

This will show up in cynicism, sarcasm, mocking, eye rolls.

This shows up regarding time management, parenting skills, in-laws, handling money, and almost any skill someone thinks they’re better than the other.

According to Gottman, “Studies show this doesn’t just destroy your relationship, but couples that are contemptuous towards each other are more likely to get sick.”

Do you look down on anyone in your life? It might be harming your relationships & health!

Defensiveness. Defensiveness is a way of blaming your spouse, child, or co-worker.

It says, “The problem isn’t me; it’s you.”

Things you’ll say are: “Why are you picking on me? Everyone is against me! What about all the good things I do? You never appreciate me. There’s no pleasing you.”

Defensiveness keeps you from dealing with whatever is happening in the relationship. As long as the problem is “out there” or “someone else’s fault,” you don’t have to do anything about it (or at least that’s what we think.)

This will often show up as a child begins to process their childhood with a parent. Or when a child starts to push boundaries and tries to have independence.

Stonewalling. This one is powerful in relationships, but not in a good way.

This is when you disengage. You ignore. You walk out of the room while the other person is talking. You don’t respond in a conversation; you are silent.

Stonewalling communicates that you couldn’t care less about the relationship or situation.

Stonewalling is a power move.

Stonewalling in relationships is a power move.

While men and women stonewall, studies show men more often do this.

I think for several reasons, but one is that they saw it done growing up, and men are afraid of engaging emotions in relationships.

I’ve learned in our marriage that if I want to hurt Katie deeply, I need to walk out of the room during an argument.

Do you know what they all have in common? This is important and easy to miss.

They are moves to protect ourselves in relationships. They are power moves to get what we want. But they are also how we seek to belong and find intimacy in unhealthy ways.

Power moves in relationships are ways we protect ourselves from getting hurt.

In all relationships, we look for safety. Somewhere in our childhood, we learned that these can protect us and make us safe. And the truth is, they probably have made you safe in relationships until they don’t.

Here’s what I’d encourage you to do:

Which one is your move in relationships? Each of us falls into using criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling in relationships. Sometimes, we use all 4!

But there is one you probably use more than the other 3.

Where did that come from in your childhood? Now comes some of the hard part, looking back. Where did that move show up in your relationships as a child? Did you use it then? Did a parent or someone close to you? We learned how to be safe in childhood and continued that into adulthood. It may be how your family communicated or worked in childhood.

How did that serve you in your childhood? This idea came out of Chuck DeGroat’s book Healing What’s Within. We must acknowledge how criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling serve and protect us earlier in life. Part of moving forward to healthier places is accepting what has happened. This doesn’t mean you are saying what happened is okay or healthy, but accepting what you can’t change in the past is crucial to moving forward.

In what ways is it no longer serving you? After seeing where the horseman in your relationship came from and how it served you, we need to look at how it is no longer serving you. In reality, your move to criticize, contempt, get defensive, or stonewall is doing the opposite of what you want. And while it may give you a sense of control, it pushes those you love the most away from you. It is getting in the way of your most important relationships.

4 questions to help you move forward to a healthier place in your most important relationships.

Posted on Wednesday, February 19, 2025

1 Thing that Gets Pastors and Churches Stuck

by Josh Reich

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

In my doctoral research, I’m looking at how to help declining churches turn the corner to new life and revitalization. One of the books I read that I loved was Thriving through Ministry Conflict: A Parable on How Resistance Can Be Your Ally.

The question I want to hit on today is one thing that gets new pastors (really any pastors) and their churches stuck.

When a new pastor arrives on the scene, everyone expects the new pastor to make changes. They don’t know which ones, and most people aren’t sure which ones (if any, they’ll like.)

But if changes aren’t made, the church will stay on its current track. In some churches, if they are healthy, this is okay.

In it, the authors make this point:

A critical principle to keep in mind; the success of every church initiative, every new program, or the hiring of every staff member hinges on the moment when resistance emerges. Never be surprised that resistance has emerged, no matter how much homework you’ve done prior to taking action. Welcome it! And then handle it correctly.

How to survive and thrive through ministry conflict.

When a pastor is in the interview process with a church, they are trying to figure out what this church wants. They are trying to figure out the church’s expectations for himself, his family and what they hope the future will be like.

That preferred future can be many things. It could be exactly like the past, and they want a pastor who will continue what they were doing. That future might be wildly different than the past, and they want a change. This path is often after a messy season, possibly a moral failure.

But what most pastors don’t know is if what the interview team tells him is true. Now, the interview team isn’t lying when they say to the pastor they want this change or that change. They usually just don’t know what change they want. They don’t know because as humans, we don’t know what changes we want because we don’t know what the change will require or what that change will feel like.

The pastor and church also don’t know how the change will feel or play out. Often, when we imagine a change, we either imagine it as the greatest thing ever or the end of the world. But usually, the change will be somewhere in between those places.

When changes are made, many people are caught off guard by the resistance that shows up. That resistance is sometimes about the change, but it is usually about something else.

Resistance to change is sometimes about the change, but it is usually about something else.

I remember a pastor telling me in a college class, “When people get angry with the pastor or the church, they are usually angry or hurt by another person in their life, but they can’t take their anger and hurt out on them, so they take it out on the next closest authority figure, which is the pastor or the church.”

What my teacher told me has proven to be true time and again.

Almost every time I meet with someone upset about a change or telling me that they are leaving the church, most of the meeting is about something other than the change or the church. Often, it is about loss in their life, loss the change has brought about, or even the pain of a broken relationship.

When people resist a change, no matter what or how good it might be, know they aren’t resisting you as a leader or even the change; they are resisting the losses they are experiencing.

When people resist a change, they are resisting the losses they are experiencing.

When I arrived at CCC in 2021, I was surprised by how much grief and loss people carried, but as I got to know the church even more and learned there had been 15 staff transitions from 2015 – 2021, it made sense that people carried that much grief and loss.

This is why pastors need to learn as much as possible about what has transpired before they arrive.

It isn’t that people are against you or the change you are making; they are navigating grief and loss. They are trying to hold on to security and what they know. This is a crucial piece that pastors need to understand. When people come to church, they want a safe and secure place. Safety and security will feel like they are in jeopardy when changes occur. Watching friends leave the church, they are confused about why and wonder if they should go.

This is also why a pastor must spread changes as much as possible.

As a pastor, you must keep your finger on the pulse of how people are feeling. Can you lead too much change too quickly? 100% yes!

Does that mean you should not make specific changes? Again, it depends. You might need to move quickly because of the situation, but you likely need to exhibit some patience. The saying “Rome wasn’t built in a day” comes to mind. And you won’t lead your church to where you want it to be in 90 days.

Rome wasn’t built in a day, and you won’t lead your church to where you want it to be in 90 days.

Posted on Friday, February 14, 2025

In Honor of Valentine’s Day

by Josh Reich

Photo by Deepak Gupta on Unsplash

Today is Valentine’s Day. For Katie and me, Valentine’s Day is like any other day. We don’t go out to eat today because it is crazy expensive. However, we also strive to have a weekly date night and check-in time with each other.

Today is a day when we focus on love, and some of us long for love that has been lost or has yet to be found. Our church is in the middle of a series on that very topic!

Over the years, Katie and I have taught in various settings about marriage and relationships. We have also written countless posts about them and read many books and articles on marriage to improve our relationship.

10 articles to help strengthen your marriage.

So, I thought I’d share our top 10 posts we’ve ever written on marriage:

10 marriage posts for Valentine’s Day.

Posted on Monday, February 10, 2025

One Way Pastors Harm Their Marriages

by Josh Reich

Photo by Thiago Barletta on Unsplash

Have you ever noticed that it is sometimes easier to be more open about your marriage or an area of your life with someone other than your spouse? Sometimes, venting about something on social media or to a friend or co-worker is easier than to your spouse.

Pastors do this, too.

One of the things people love in a sermon is when a pastor is open and vulnerable when they talk about their life. When they share their struggles, what they are learning, and how God is moving in their life.

Some pastors struggle with this. How much to share, when to share, what to share.

Many pastors love doing this, though.

Why?

Because people feel connected to us, and we feel connected to them. It creates conversations and connections through the act of preaching.

Pastors also like it because it puts the spotlight on us, a battle many pastors fight against.

The reality is that people like to talk about themselves, even if it is a struggle or a hurt in the past.

Pastors are no different in this struggle.

Here is where many pastors then rob their marriages.

This doesn’t happen intentionally.

Pastors can be more open in their sermons than in their marriages.

Pastors can be more open in their sermons than in their marriages.

I remember that after one sermon years ago, everything clicked, and it was a great sermon. I shared some things, and I could feel the room connecting. Everything went great that day. Afterward, Katie said, “I never knew that stuff.”

She was right. I was more open in a sermon than with her.

It’s easy to do, and many wives know the feeling of sitting in church and hearing their husband share something for the first time, thinking, “I wish he had told me that before.” Not because they are embarrassed but because they want to be close to their husband. They want the same vulnerability in their marriage, as he shows on stage in a sermon.

You should be more vulnerable in your marriage than in a sermon.

Posted on Tuesday, February 4, 2025

The Power of Sex, Love and Intimacy in our Lives

by Josh Reich

love

Photo by Jez Timms on Unsplash

As we’ve been going through this series, we’ve repeatedly seen the power of intimacy and our longing to be known, loved, and cared for, so much so that we will go to great lengths to experience this in relationships.

We will go to great lengths to be known, loved, and cared for.

The reason is simple: we were created to be known, loved, and cared for.

Yet, because of Genesis 3 and the brokenness of the world around us and inside us, many of our attempts to be known, loved, and cared for have led to some of our deepest regrets.

Many of our attempts to be known, loved, and cared for have led to some of our deepest regrets.

Many times in our lives, we underestimate the power of sexuality, ours, and those around us. We underestimate our desires, longings, addictions, and past sexual histories.

When you read Scripture, you see that we are created for relationships, for intimacy. We are created for knowing, and we long for that. Yet, our culture has connected sex, love, and intimacy and made it a big mess.

You can be intimate with someone without having sex. You can have sex with someone without being intimate.

Sex, love, and intimacy aren’t the same things.

This confusion has led many to seek intimacy in places we can’t find.

This confusion comes from a couple of places. Culture, friends, our family of origin and how they navigated the topic of sex, porn, movies, and even the church.

On Sunday, I shared 7 lies that we often believe about sex and intimacy. Here are a few of them:

Our culture tells us that sex is just physical. On the surface, this sounds right. But deep down, we know that sex is more than just physical. We know that something more is going on.

This is why we struggle to tell our spouse about our sexual past and how many people we’ve slept with; we struggle to let go of the shame of abortion, sexual abuse, or addiction.

This is why whenever I meet with someone and they ask me, “Can I tell you something I’ve never told anyone?” almost 100% of the time, it is sexual.

Because sex is never just physical; there is something deeper happening within our souls when it comes to our sexuality and longings.

Pastor Tim Keller talks about this when he points out what Paul was talking about in 1 Corinthians 6:18: Why would Paul instruct his Christian audience to “flee” from immorality? Here’s why: All other sins a person commits . . . Sexual sin is like no other sin. Paul puts sexual sin in a category all by itself. “All other sins . . .” Here’s the second part: All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.

One of the lies the church tells us about sex is if you wait until you are married to have sex, God will reward you with mind-blowing sex and a magical wedding night.

I was told this again and again as a student in church. This was the message for every true love waits event, every purity ring event. It is well intended. But connected to this is another lie, and that is, when you get married, you will be able to fully express yourself sexually without guilt and shame.

Why talk about lies and what influences us?

We often underestimate the power of the stories we carry. We rarely step back and ask if what we’ve been told and what we believe is true or not.

To experience the full scope of what God desires for us when it comes to our sexuality, we have to look at the impact of what we carry and have experienced. Only then can we bring those things before the throne of Jesus and find forgiveness and freedom.

We see the couple in Song of Songs 4 experience this complete freedom in their relationship. They are completely safe with each other and don’t hold back in their relationship. They exemplify what Daniel Akin says about marriage, “A Christ-centered marriage always has two givers. There is not a giver and a taker or two takers. The husband gives himself without reserve to his wife. She, in return, is set free to give herself without reservation or hesitation. This is the beauty and glory of a redeemed, Christ-centered marriage.”

What might this look like practically? Here are some thoughts:

Face your story. What have you walked through relationally and sexually? You should connect with a counselor to help you unpack the layers of this and its impact on your life and relationships.

Protect yourself and your marriage or future marriage. If you are single, protect your heart, mind, and body. Save yourself for your spouse. I’ve never met someone who regretted protecting themselves before marriage, but I’ve met many people who wish they had.

Couples, protect your marriage, protect your eyes, serve each other.

Compliment each other often.

Pursue each other. Be playful and flirting, no matter what age you are.

Think about how to be attractive to your spouse. This is not just about a wife being attractive; dress in ways that entice your spouse and say, “I’ve thought of you by putting this on.” This means trying. You should go through your drawers regularly and get rid of clothes the other doesn’t like or that don’t fit anymore or smell a little bit.

Instead of pulling away, risk the difficult conversation. Drifting in relationships doesn’t take any effort. But when we drift, there is always a reason we are pulling away, and so we need to ask, “Why? What is going on?”

Posted on Monday, January 27, 2025

18 Things Every Husband Should About His Wife

by Josh Reich

Photo by Becca Tapert on Unsplash

Throughout this series, I’ve discussed the differences between men and women and husbands and wives. Each has different roles in a marriage, some of which depend on personalities, the life stage of the family, and talents.

In Song of Songs 2 and throughout the New Testament, the husband is tasked with pursuing his wife. In the same way that Christ loves and pursues the church (Ephesians 5). This doesn’t mean a wife doesn’t pursue her husband; she should. But the path to a woman’s heart is through pursuit.

The path to a woman’s heart is through pursuit.

When men hear the idea of pursuit, they often think of date nights, gifts, and sex. And while that may be a part of it, that is a small fraction of what I’m talking about and what she longs for.

Before discussing what this might look like, let me provide you with a grid to help you think through it.

Here’s a simple question I’ve used to evaluate my heart and how I’m doing as a husband toward Katie: Is your wife more alive in her identity in Jesus because she’s married to you? Ephesians 5 is all about coming alive to your identity in Jesus. Your wife is a gift from God that you will present to God and give an account for. So, is she more alive in her identity in Jesus because she’s married to you?

Is your wife more alive in her identity in Jesus because she’s married to you?

Many men struggle because they try to do things they think their wife wants or need in their marriage. If they asked and were a student of their spouse, they might learn what she wants. You know this feeling if you have ever felt mystified in your marriage or felt like two ships passing in the night.

Below are some questions to which every husband should know the answer at any point about his wife (note: your wife is not a static object, so the answer may change yearly, monthly, and maybe daily!).

Ask if you don’t know the answer; she would love to tell you.

While these questions are directed at a husband toward his wife, here are some questions a couple should ask each other regularly (perfect for your next date night).

18 questions every husband should know about his wife.

Know Your Wife

A husband should know his wife better than anyone else. He should know her likes and dislikes, what excites and disappoints her, her story, hopes, and dreams. He should also know what she likes regarding romance, affection, and the bedroom and strive to serve her in those areas, not for what he can get but because of what God calls him to.

Here are some questions to help with this:

What foods does she like, what are her hobbies, and how does she relieve stress?
What hopes and dreams does she have? How can you help her accomplish them?
How is your wife doing right now?
What is romantic to your wife?
What gets your wife in the mood? What turns her off sexually?
What does your wife like in the bedroom? What does she dislike?

Do you know your wife better than anyone else?

Understand Your Wife

1 Peter 3:7 calls for a husband to live with their wife in an understanding way, but to do that, you have to understand your wife. This goes closely with knowing your wife, but as her life changes, the kids age and move out, this will change regularly. A husband’s job is to stay on top of these things and know what is happening in his wife’s heart, mind, and soul.

Here are some questions to help with this:

Is your wife flourishing right now?
When is she most productive?
How much sleep does she need?
What does she need right now in the stage of life you are in to alleviate stress?
How is she doing on cultivating friendships with other women?
What areas is she hoping to grow spiritually (i.e., parenting, theology, spiritual practices)? How can you help her? What books can you buy her to read (hint: women read more than men)?

Ever feel confused by your wife? Here are six ways to understand your wife.

Honor Your Wife

Many men speak to their wives and treat her like one of the guys. She is not; she is more special than any car, boat, possession, child, or career. She is your most precious relationship, a gift from God. Treat her as such. Honor is a basic tenet of manhood. Let me say another way: if you don’t honor your wife, you are a child, not a man.

6 ways to know if you are honoring your wife.

Here are some questions to help with this:

Are you respectful to your wife in private and public when you talk to her and about her?
Do you allow your kids to speak disrespectfully to your wife?
Does the way you talk about your wife demand that others look at her in a positive light?
Do you talk about her and look at her so others will look up to her?
If I spent 10 minutes listening to you talk about your wife, would I know she is your most important human relationship?
Do you pursue her daily, weekly, and yearly? Do you plan weekly date nights that show your love and attention to her?

18 ways to communicate love to your wife.

Posted on Tuesday, January 21, 2025

6 Ways to Make Your Marriage Refreshing

by Josh Reich

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash

All married couples long for their marriage to be refreshing. To be a place of safety, comfort, love, and peace. Yet, many couples do things that break this environment or, at the least, keep this from being what their marriage is all about.

They might not do it intentionally. Sometimes, we sabotage things that feel too good to be true.

There is a beautiful picture of what a marriage should be like in Song of Solomon 1:14. The woman compares their relationship to En Gedi. En Gedi is an oasis in the desert near the Dead Sea. Out of nowhere, this oasis springs up with lush trees, plants, water, and even a waterfall.

Yet, this is not what most relationships and marriages are like. Most marriages are filled with stress, pain, nagging, hurtful words, anger, outbursts, and even abuse.

It doesn’t have to be this way, and couples don’t get married to live in the desert; they get married hoping for the oasis. But how do you make the trip?

6 Ways to Make your Marriage Refreshing.

Here are six simple ways to get there:

1. Stop nagging. Many couples nag at each other, put each other down, get on each other’s cases, and are mean to each other. This creates an environment no one wants to be in, a family working against itself. This isn’t rocket science, yet many couples nag and make fun of each other to accomplish something. When a couple does this, they will say that they are trying to get something done (a project, their spouse to change, wake their spouse up), but what is happening is pushing them away. Every time nagging occurs in a relationship, it comes from a place of brokenness. Sometimes, nagging comes from a place of disappointment, either in yourself, your spouse, or even where you thought your life and marriage would be at this point. Sometimes, you must grieve that things aren’t going as expected and learn to move forward, but that’s another post.

Nagging in relationships comes from a place of brokenness.

2. Start talking. One of the best ways to make your marriage refreshing is talking. Opening up to your hopes, dreams, and disappointments, and sharing your past, your hurts, and your joys. Many couples who are in marriages that are not refreshing find themselves keeping things bottled up or opening up more to someone they aren’t married to than they do to their spouse. Your spouse should know more about you than anyone else. Always.

3. Start serving. If you look at couples in refreshing marriages, an oasis in the desert, you will see two people striving to outserve the other. One simple question to ask your spouse is, “What can I do to make your life easier or less stressful? How can I help you?” I asked Katie about this years ago, and her answer surprised me. She said, “Make sure the kitchen is clean before bed.” That wasn’t what I expected, but if that didn’t happen, we all got up the next day and felt behind or maybe had to finish cleaning something up that could’ve been done the night before. Here are a few other questions to ask your spouse regularly to work as one.

Happy marriage secret: Outserve your spouse.

4. Start pursuing. What made you want to get married was pursuit. You did things together, couldn’t wait to see each other, and planned date nights and trips. You pursued your future spouse, which is one reason they became your current spouse. Along the way, the pursuit ended. Pursuing your spouse is one of the fastest ways to create a refreshing marriage. Plan date nights (they don’t have to be expensive), do things the other one likes (even if you hate it), participate in hobbies together (even if you don’t like the hobby), and lastly, pursue each other sexually. Husband and wife should initiate affection and sex regularly. As I discussed earlier in this series, long kisses are essential to any marriage.

1 thing every married couple needs to stop and 5 things you need to start.

5. Start believing. Couples who have a refreshing marriage believe in each other. They believe in the best, hope for the best, believe in their spouse’s dreams, and encourage them to pursue them. A refreshing marriage is one where you never have to say, “Don’t you want to have? Don’t you want me to pursue my dreams?” A marriage stuck in the desert has those conversations. Remember, #3? This comes from a place of serving, and when you’re serving, you are willing to put your dreams on hold, if necessary, instead of fighting for them.

6. Start setting up. A refreshing marriage is one where spouses try to help the other succeed. They ask, “How can I set my spouse up for success? How can I make them look good to others? How can I help them reach their goals?” A desert couple says, “What about me and my dreams? Who’s setting me up?” A desert couple doesn’t fight for oneness but for themselves.

An unhappy couple doesn’t fight for oneness but for themselves.

The reality is that even though every couple wants a marriage in the oasis, we will often choose the desert. It is what we know; it is easier, less work, and honestly, the desert allows us to be selfish.

Don’t buy it, though. No one lives very long in the desert.