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Finding Peace & Calm During the Holidays

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It’s December.

Which means you are probably running from one thing to the next, finishing up appointments before the end of the year, going to and preparing for parties, thinking through gifts, navigating school schedules, and everything else!

If you’re like me, you feel like someone else is driving your calendar and life this month, and life feels hectic and out of control! 

What is control? According to the dictionary: Control is the power to influence or direct people’s behavior or the course of events.

Control is the power to influence or direct people’s behavior or the course of events.

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That is the last thing many of us feel in December. 

Yet, we sing songs about experiencing peace. We send Christmas cards with the words “Peace on earth.”

But we wonder, can I experience peace today?

This past Sunday, I preached on peace in our Advent series on Philippians 4, which says,  “Rejoice in the Lord always.” I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your graciousness be known to everyone. The Lord is near. Don’t worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable—if there is any moral excellence and if there is anything praiseworthy—dwell on these things.

Max Lucado, in his book Anxious for Nothing: Finding Calm in a Chaotic World, lays out a helpful acronym from this passage: 

In Philippians 4:4, we celebrate God’s goodness by rejoicing in the Lord always.

When we celebrate, we look back. We remember what God has done and who God is. 

When we celebrate a person, we celebrate who they are. We celebrate the closeness with that person. We don’t invite random strangers to our birthday parties; we celebrate intimacy. 

In verse 6, we ask God for help by bringing all our requests to God. 

We ask God for help.

We bring all requests to God. 

Just like a child asks a parent anything, they ask for every cereal at the store. They ask for ice cream for dinner. 

We need to pray that way. 

Paul Miller said, “Prayer is bringing our helplessness to God.”

Prayer is bringing our helplessness to God. -Paul Miller

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In verse 6, we leave our concerns with him. 

One of the main times for me to pray and bring requests to God is at night when it is quiet, and my mind is racing. Then, when I’m done, I say something like, “Now, God, help me to leave these to you.”

This is the struggle of prayer and faith, but it is the step of releasing control to God, so we experience his calm.

Then in verse 8, we meditate on good things. 

Think, concentrate, and direct your thoughts and attention to what is of God. 

God promises he will keep us in perfect peace when we fix our minds on him. 

Why is meditating, thinking, and dwelling so important? Because what consumes our minds controls our lives. What we think about, we become. What we focus on dominates our minds, hearts, and bodies. 

That’s why we need to meditate on Scripture, on God, focusing on his ways, to experience his peace and calm. 

This spells CALM.

Celebrate

Ask

Leave

Meditate

When we release control to God, we experience His calm.

When we release control to God, we experience His calm.

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Idols, Our Stories and Our Longings for Love and Acceptance

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Photo by Etienne Girardet on Unsplash

One theme has continued to emerge repeatedly in our series on 1 John, and that is, we can know where we stand with God. 

In chapter 5, he says 4 times in 3 verses: “we know, we know, we know…” (1 John 5:18 – 20). The primary purpose of 1 John is to help us live in the reality that we can know where we stand with God, we can be sure that we are in Christ, and we can be assured that we are safe and loved by the Father. 

What John does throughout the letter is not only show us what that life looks like as it relates to our relationship with God, ourselves, and others, but he also writes about what battles we will face in experiencing and living in that life and love. 

At the very end of the letter, he says: Guard yourselves from idols. 

One translation says: Dear children, keep away from anything that might take God’s place in your hearts.

At first glance, this is an unusual way to conclude the letter. Idols? After all the talk of light and dark, eternity, love, etc., he chooses idols to end with. And end abruptly. 

Yet, the idols of our hearts are sneaky and keep us from the life God has for us. 

What is an idol? Tim Keller has been helpful to me in this area. He says, “Idols are often good things that we make great. An idol is anything we look to for what only Jesus can give us.”

Idols are often good things that we make great. An idol is anything we look to for what only Jesus can give us. -Tim Keller

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I’m not sure where I first heard this list of questions, but they were questions to help you discern the idols of your heart (I shared more detail about these in my sermon on this passage): 

9 questions to help you discern your idols of the heart.

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  • What do you worry about?
  • What do you use to comfort yourself when life gets tough or things don’t go your way?
  • What, if you lost it, would make you think life wasn’t worth living?
  • What do you daydream about?
  • What makes you feel the most self-worth? 
  • Early on, what would you like people to know about you? What do you lead with in conversations?
  • What prayer, unanswered, would seriously make you consider walking away from God?
  • What do you really want and expect out of life?
  • What is your hope for the future? What will complete you?
9 questions to figure out what is holding you back in your relationship with Jesus.

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One aspect that is often overlooked is the origin of these idols. 

According to Adam Young in his book, Make Sense of Your Story: Why Engaging Your Past with Kindness Changes Everything, says, “When your heart is wounded – when something breaks inside of you – you begin living in a way that promises to relieve the wound and assures you that you will never be hurt in that particular way again. And this way of living enslaves you. You become captive to it.” He goes on to discuss how there is a connection between our hurt, our heart being broken, and the idols we pursue. 

Our idols are found in the soil of our pain. -Adam Young

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Let me share something from my life that might help you apply this. 

When I meet someone, I want them to know as quickly as possible that I am working on my doctorate. Why? I want them to be aware of my qualifications. I want them to know that I can do certain things. In fact, when I am in rooms with other pastors, I often struggle to believe that I belong there, that I don’t have what it takes. 

This struggle dates back to middle school and high school because I wasn’t a great student, and I had a guidance counselor who told me he didn’t think I was college material. At the time, he wasn’t wrong, but that stung, and that scar still runs deep. I have often struggled to believe that I am enough in Jesus and that I don’t need letters behind my name to be “someone” in his eyes. 

My guess is, you can find your idol in the soil of your pain. 

The power of your early childhood on who you become as an adult.

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You might look to money for security because you grew up with so little. Maybe you want someone to approve of you or love you because the people who were supposed to love you didn’t. Perhaps you have prayed and prayed for something that hasn’t happened, and that thing has become your salvation.

We don’t always see it. 

That’s why idols are so sneaky. 

That’s why John says to “guard ourselves.” To pick up our shields and swords and guard ourselves. To be alert (1 Peter 5:8). 

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How to Define Reality for Your Church

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Photo by Sincerely Media on Unsplash

Every church starts with the desire to be a healthy, growing church that helps change the community around it with the gospel. No church begins with the desire to be an insular community that has “a country club mentality.”

The longer a church exists, the more difficult it becomes to keep the original vision and excitement. Families grow up, leaders get older, and communities around the church change. Slowly, the leadership team that was bustling with new ideas starts to recycle old ones. What was once new starts to feel stale. 

And many times, the church and its leaders are unaware of the shift that has occurred within them, the church, and the surrounding community. 

The question becomes, what is a church supposed to do? If a church is beginning to decline, can it reverse the decline and return to the glory days? Or are those days past? And if you are in a church that isn’t declining, how do you know if it will begin to decline?

Can a church reverse the decline? Or are the best days behind your church?

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If, as Jim Collins says in Good to Great, “Leadership begins with getting people to confront the brutal facts and act on the implications,” then we as church leaders must confront the brutal facts about our churches and act on the implications. 

Often, the leaders of churches in decline do not want to face the brutal facts. This can happen for several reasons. One, the brutal facts are uncomfortable. It means admitting that what was once a thriving church no longer is. It might mean admitting that they led the church into decline. Two, it means acknowledging that the community around the church has shifted and changed, and the church didn’t change with it. Third, it means facing grief and loss—the loss of influence as a church, the loss of staff and members. Facing the brutal facts means facing reality, and for many people within churches, that brings a lot of discomfort, and we’d rather focus on the positive. 

3 reasons we don’t confront the brutal facts in our churches.

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However, the second part of Collins’s challenge is equally difficult: Act on the implications.

Not only are we to face reality, but we are also to act on what those facts reveal. As we will see, this means praying and asking God for what He has for the church’s future, dreaming together, and experimenting. It might mean ending specific ministries, changing how you do small groups and make disciples, or it might mean changing how the people in the church relate to each other. It is just as uncomfortable as, and possibly more painful than, facing the brutal facts because acting on the implications is the moment of change. 

Acting on the implications is challenging for a church and its leaders. For many leaders, the culture shift is difficult because they are often unaware of it or unprepared to address it. They are blind to the change happening in the community around their church and to the needs of those people. 

How do you face the brutal facts? How do you do that, especially if you are a new leader at your church? Charles Stone says there are five ways to define reality:

  1. Take your church’s pulse. 
  2. Decipher the unwritten code.
  3. Discover the wounds from the past.
  4. Clarify the church’s overall health stage. 
  5. Match strategy to situation. 

5 ways for pastors to define reality for their church.

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These steps of defining reality help pastors understand the first steps of revitalization, how to move forward, and how to help their people navigate the steps to rebuilding. 

How to define reality for your church when no one wants to see reality.

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Why the Past Matters for the Future of Your Church

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Photo by Alex Shute on Unsplash

Many pastors, as they try to lead their church into the future, want to avoid the past.

This occurs for several reasons.

The past might be painful for the church. Perhaps a split, moral failure, or series of firings has caused pain within the church. This past impacts your present and future as a church. As a leader, you will be navigating a church that may struggle to trust the leadership or wonder if you will be around for the long term.

Maybe the church has had a series of theological divisions or arguments over the years. So, the church is either conflict-averse or constantly seeking something to argue about. This creates an environment where either. Nothing is a big deal, or everything is a big deal.

The church’s past may have involved a series of pastors, leading one to wonder if the current pastor will remain in place.

The age of the church, the age of the people in the church, and the length of previous pastorates all impact the church’s present and future.

The way the church conducts worship, preaching, prayer, small groups, and outreach has an impact on its current and future performance in these areas.

Suppose there have been incredible growth seasons and moves of God in the history of the church, which also impact the present and future of the church. This can create an expectancy and hope for the future in people, but it can also evoke a sense of nostalgia, as the present is never as great as their memories.

What often happens is that a new pastor comes in and either neglects the past or minimizes it. They are future-oriented because that is what leaders do, and there is a good chance the search committee told them they want to move forward as a church.

And deep down, they do. They want to remember the past as well.

So, as you look backwards to go forward as a church, here are some questions to ask:

  • How old is your church?
  • How many pastors has it had over the years? How many staff and leadership transitions have there been?
  • Have there been any firings or moral failures? 
  • How has communication and power been seen in your church?
  • What growth seasons and moves of God have you seen in the history of the church? What stories do people have?
  • Are there any stories or moments that you hear about again and again?

Questions to ask about your church’s past that are impacting your present and future.

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All of those things impact a church. Those stories and moments tell you a lot about what people value in your church.

Pay attention to stories that get retold and people who are mentioned repeatedly. Listen for the memories that people share and re-share. If the people you hear about are no longer at the church, try to meet with them and listen to their stories.

Whether you realize it or not, you are likely leading and living in their shadows and are part of their story.

This is all over Scripture. The word “remember” appears over 1,200 times in Scripture. Memory is powerful.

God knows this.

However, we also see that God wants to restore and renew us from our past.

God wants to restore and renew out of the past.

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Throughout Scripture, we see evidence of this and the call for the people of God to be a part of that restoration. 

We see this call in Isaiah 58:12, “Some of you will rebuild the ancient ruins; you will restore the foundations laid long ago; you will be called the repairer of broken walls, the restorer of streets where people live.”

There is a critical calling on those who start new works, but there is an equally important calling for those who will rebuild ancient ruins. 

The phrase “rebuild ancient ruins” is essential when considering church revitalization. This shows us the work that lies ahead and what has come before. 

Ruins connote the idea that something that was once there has since been destroyed. 

You do not rebuild on top of ruins; you must first remove the ruins to begin the rebuilding process. 

You must identify what needs to be removed and what must remain, as well as which stones have been destroyed and which can be repurposed for the new project.

Positively, you are standing on the shoulders of those who came before you. Rebuilding is not easy, but it is also not starting from scratch. Not every pastor is meant to be a church planter, and not everyone is meant to be a rebuilder.

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3 Traps that Hinder Your Spiritual Growth

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Photo by Sincerely Media on Unsplash

In 1 John, John writes to his church, trying to help them live in the assurance that they have in Christ. To live the good life. 

He says, I have written these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God so that you may know that you have eternal life. The whole book is about what keeps us from experiencing this daily and in eternity. 

The main point of 1 John.

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In 1 John 2:15 – 17, he lays out 3 traps that keep us from living the good life, from experiencing the life that God has for us, here and now, and in eternity: the desires of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and pride in possessions. 

Let’s take them one at a time:

How to preach 1 John.

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The desires of the flesh. John is speaking of a few things here.

He is speaking about misdirecting our sexual desire outside of God’s design. 

This can be sex outside of marriage, porn, fantasizing about someone you aren’t married to, or getting emotionally involved with someone you aren’t married to. 

Wishing your spouse were different, looked different, acted different.

This also applies to your personal feelings about your own body and the elevated desire you have to look a certain way or have a specific body type.

This also highlights what we are willing to do for love, the distance we will go to be loved. Or, how we will manipulate someone by withholding love to get what we want. 

What are the desires of the flesh in 1 John?

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Here’s another way to think about this desire, a desire always to get your way.

In marriage, you stop pursuing your spouse and pursue porn or someone else. 

If you’re single and look at porn, you begin to rewire your heart and mind for intimacy and start to rob your life today and your future self and spouse of the joy God has for you. 

You stop opening up to your spouse and slowly start pulling away from them, to the point where you never talk or share your dreams, hurts, and joys.

This is the workaholic taking on too much. Never stopping to ask, Do I want this life? Should I accept this assignment or promotion? If I say yes to this, what am I saying no to? There is always a trade-off.

This is the person who can’t slow down because they’re afraid, if I stop moving and doing stuff, what will I do? A woman once told me that she couldn’t take a day off or rest because she was afraid of the thoughts that would flood her mind. She was running.

In kids’ sports teams, there’s always a trade-off in your life. A friend recently lamented on Facebook the loss of his evenings and life as he and his wife try to juggle three soccer teams for their three boys, all under the age of 10. He’s miserable, and their kids are exhausted.

But there is a life he is chasing.

That’s the desires of the flesh. 

How your desires get in the way of the life Jesus has for you.

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The next love he addresses: The desires of the eyes. 

This is the desire of what can be seen.

A certain life, a particular lifestyle.

In many ways, this is your ideal and dream Instagram account, whatever that is. 

A certain kind of house, a particular kind of family, a certain kind of grill, workout equipment, cars, vacations, food, clothes, closet space, hiking, and boating.  

Now, John isn’t saying that cars, shoes, grills, houses, or vacations are evil; they are morally neutral. 

The surprising way lust gets in the way of the life Jesus has for you.

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It is our desire towards those things.

Why?

Because that desire consumes us and takes over.

We do whatever we can to have a certain life or appear to have a particular lifestyle.

We all have this. 

This is the desire to have everything.

Many of us have bought into the lie that you can have it all.

This is the belief that we can climb the ladder, have the perfect family, friends, hobbies, and a relationship with God. And yet, something breaks on the way up the ladder. Something always loses out in our lives because we are human and limited.

A lot of people believe the lie that they can have it all, and it is keeping them from what they really want.

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Women kill themselves for this lie. Believing it is possible to have it all and look like you have it all, so that people behind your back say with jealousy, “She has it all.” That woman who “has it all” is often cracking and dying from the pressure and the sadness that she really doesn’t have it all, but no one knows.

If you’re a parent, it might be for your kids to behave a certain way, get specific grades, and get a scholarship. We kill ourselves for that, we push our kids to insane lengths for that. Why?

We say it is for them, but deep down, it is a desire to be seen a certain way.

Parents, most of the stress you feel and the pressure you apply to your kids is really about your need to be seen as a great parent, rather than what they are doing.

Parents, most of the stress you feel and the pressure you apply to your kids is really about your need to be seen as a great parent, rather than what they are doing.

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If you’re a student, this is the life you’ve imagined and are working hard for. The approval of that parent or teacher that you are chasing after, and who always seems right out of reach. 

That’s the desire of the eyes. 

What does it mean to have unhealthy pride in your stuff?

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The last love he addresses is Pride in possessions. 

Again, John isn’t telling us possessions are bad; he is telling us that loving them and having pride in them is. Being driven by them will destroy us.

This is the desire to appear important.

This is wanting to appear smart and successful.

This is why many people are in debt or are workaholics.

This is why people take specific jobs and careers. For a certain life, to appease a parent or a spouse. They give up a dream, a God given call, for something safer.

3 traps that hinder your spiritual growth.

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The Great Need for Church Revitalization

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In 2014, Lifeway Research found that 4,000 churches opened their doors, and 3,700 closed their doors. In 2019, those numbers changed: 3,000 new churches started, and 4,500 closed. The rate of church planting does not keep up with the rate of church closures, which makes the opportunity and need for revitalization even more crucial.

The opportunity for church revitalization is so great!

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There are several reasons for this. Church planting has become increasingly expensive. In 2019, the typical range for a church in the United Methodist denomination was $300,000 – $500,000. While many conference speakers will use the stat that 80% of church plants fail, NAMB (The North American Mission Board) has found that 68% of church plants are thriving. That expense is difficult to justify in a region like New England, where church attendance has continued to decrease. One reason is the cost of bringing a church planter to New England. The cost of living in Massachusetts is 47% higher than the national average. We have had incredible difficulty getting a family to move from another part of the country because of the cost of living and housing. 

Church revitalization becomes an option when church planting becomes too expensive.

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While churches have decreased and closed nationwide, New England’s numbers are incredibly disheartening. The states with the lowest church attendance are Vermont (17% in weekly attendance), New Hampshire (20%), Maine (20%), and Massachusetts (21%). In Massachusetts, 59% of the population seldom or never attends church. “Missiologist J.D. Payne has surveyed individual cities and found New England cities to be the least in total evangelical percentage – Pittsfield, MA (1.5%), Barnstable-Yarmouth, MZ (1.5%), Providence, RI (1.7%), Boston (2.5%), Hartford, CT (2.7%), Burlington, VT (2.9%) and Bangor, ME (3.5%). These and other factors have caused many to consider New England an “unreached people group.” The church I lead is 10 minutes outside of Providence, RI. 

Some have pointed out that the reason for church decline is generational. 

Is church decline generational?

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According to Nick Blevins, the average church has a 10-15% attrition rate yearly. But people are attending church less. According to Ryan Burge, in 2022, 39% of Americans never attended church, up from 35% in 2020. He also found that “The number of those who never attend church has doubled in the last 15 years, reaching 85 million.” 

One study states, “The average congregation size across Christian denominations is less than half what it was in 2000 – down to 65 from 137.” About 65-85 percent of American congregations have plateaued or are declining. Mainline denominations stopped growing around 1965. Some congregations along the way made the painful switch of adding a contemporary service and grew until about 2005. But since then, many congregations have struggled, unsure of how to reach young adults who do not fit historic congregations.

Why church revitalization is so difficult and needed in New England.

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And while there are stories of churches beginning and growing, regionally, half of all congregations in the US are in the South. As a comparison, there are 1,393 congregations per million residents in the South compared to 750 congregations per million residents in the Northeast.

Here are some things I’m learning in my doctoral research on church growth.

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What is it about the Northeast that creates such difficulty for churches? Why are there fewer churches per resident than in any other part of the country? One of the challenges is relationships within New England. Nate Pichowicz, a pastor in New Hampshire, points out, “Robert Frost, a native New Englander, published his poem, “Mending Wall” in 1914: a sort-of literary commentary on rural New England life from the perspective of a farmer. In the poem, two neighboring farmers meet in the Spring, walking along the stone wall which marks out their property line. The narrator questions the purpose of the wall, but his neighbor only responds with the proverbial maxim, “Good fences make good neighbors.” 

Here are some things I’m learning in my doctoral research on church revitalization.

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While Frost did not originate this line, he no doubt made it famous. The sentiment undergirds the New England temperament, as it explores the tension between all communal relationships in the Northeast. New Englanders are reserved and guarded, tentative and contemplative, self-reliant and proud, principled and often stubborn. While not necessarily cold, we are not known for our “northern hospitality,” rather, we keep to ourselves. Despite our desire for friends, we struggle to embrace communal living.”

If you read American history, you know that the colonies began in New England, meaning Christianity in America started here. But it didn’t just begin there. Historian Harry Stout said, “In New England, the church would be central. New England’s mission began with the church.” But the church or New England lost its way somewhere along the way. 

Lessons for churches in New England.

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Where Are You in Your Relationship with God?

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spiritual growth

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It can be challenging to gauge your relationship with God and determine whether you are growing. Churches struggle to know where people are, because is it enough to just read your Bible? To pray and serve? How often do you need to do those things?

Yet, in Scripture, we are given clear stages of our relationship with God. You and I can have confidence in our relationship with God and know where we are, what the next stage is, and the path to those stages. 

According to Jim Putnam, there are different stages to our faith journeys: spiritual infant, child, adolescent, and adult. We can recognize where we are spiritually and emotionally. Because, as Pete Scazzero says, “You cannot be spiritually mature while remaining emotionally immature.“

What is essential to recognize is that, according to John, all of these are followers of Jesus. They are just in different places. As in life, we are to grow and move forward. 

Infant (1 Peter 2:2 – 3)

An infant is a brand-new follower of Jesus. They are helpless in many ways and just beginning their new life.

Someone who is a spiritual infant might say things like: 

  • I need to go to church regularly? I’ve never heard that before.
  • I need to pray and read my Bible regularly. I don’t know how.
  • I didn’t know the Bible said that.
  • Tithing? What’s that?
  • I don’t need anyone else. It’s just me and Jesus.
  • I know Jesus is God, but isn’t karma real too?
  • I’ve just been baptized, but I still face challenges in my life. I thought Jesus was supposed to take care of all my problems.

A spiritual infant needs others around to help them grow, just like an infant needs parents. 

Are you a spiritual infant?

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According to Pete Scazzero, an emotional infant “looks for other people to take care of me emotionally and spiritually. I often struggle to describe and express my feelings in healthy ways and rarely enter the emotional world of others. A need for instant gratification consistently drives me, often using others as a means to meet my own needs. People sometimes perceive me as inconsiderate and insensitive. I am uncomfortable with silence or being alone. When trials, hardships, or difficulties come, I want to quit God and the Christian life. I sometimes experience God at church and when I am with other Christians, but rarely when I am at work or home.”

What is an emotional infant?

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Children (1 John 2:12)

A spiritual child is someone who is growing but still requires significant support. They need parents to provide for them. They don’t always know what they need or when they need it. Think of kids who need a nap!

People who are spiritual children say things like: 

  • I’m not sure if this church is meeting my needs anymore.
  • Don’t multiply my small group into two. We won’t get to be with our friends.
  • Who are all the new people coming into our church? The church is getting too big. And someone is sitting in my seat!
  • Why do we have to learn new songs?
  • I didn’t like the music today.
  • No one ever says hi to me at church. No one ever calls me to see how I’m doing. No one spends time with me.
  • I wasn’t fed at all by that sermon today.
  • I’d serve, but no one has asked me.

You might be a spiritual child if…

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An emotional child is someone who, when life is going my way, I am content. However, as soon as disappointment or stress enter the picture, I quickly unravel inside. I often take things personally, interpreting disagreements or criticism as a personal offense. When I don’t get my way, I frequently complain, throw an emotional tantrum, withdraw, manipulate, drag my feet, become sarcastic, or take revenge. I often find myself relying on the spirituality of others because I am so overwhelmed and distracted. My prayer life primarily involves talking to God, telling Him what to do and how to fix my problems. Prayer is a duty, not a delight.

Are you an emotional child?

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I would say, if you have been in church for a few years, there is no reason for you to be a spiritual infant or child. 

Young Adult (1 John 2:13 – 14)

A spiritual young adult is beginning to lead, taking significant steps in owning their spiritual journey. 

A spiritual young adult says things like: 

  • I was reading my Bible today, and I have a question about something. 
  • I love serving, and I can see how God has gifted me and how he is using me. 
  • Our small group keeps growing, so we need to start another one, and I’m going to apply to lead one. 
  • Someone missed the small group this past week. I’m going to check to see if they are okay. 
  • Look at how many people were at church today. I love seeing all the new faces!

How to know if you are a spiritual young adult.

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An emotional young adult says, “I don’t like it when others question me. I often make quick judgments and interpretations of people’s behavior. I withhold forgiveness from those who sin against me, avoiding or cutting them off when they do something to hurt me. I subconsciously keep records of the love I give out. I struggle to truly listen to another person’s pain, disappointments, or needs without becoming preoccupied with my own concerns. I sometimes find myself too busy to spend adequate time nourishing my spiritual life. I attend church and serve others, but enjoy few delights in Christ. My Christian life is still primarily about doing, rather than being with Him. Prayer continues to be mostly me talking with little silence, solitude, or listening to God.”

How to know if you are an emotional young adult.

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Parent (2 Timothy 2:1 – 2)

A spiritual father or mother is someone who has taken ownership of their spiritual growth. They are also taking responsibility to help others grow, just like a parent does for a child. They are discipling other disciples, who will in turn disciple other disciples. 

They say things like: 

  • Someone at work asked me a question about the Bible, can you pray for me when I talk to him, and that he would be open to the gospel?
  • I want to be aware of my behavior as a witness at work and at home. 
  • They see the most critical discipleship opportunity as their children. 
  • They are always on the lookout for new people to disciple and for new leaders to lead new groups or teams.

How to know you are a spiritually mature adult.

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An emotional parent says, “I respect and love others without having to change them or becoming judgmental. I value people for who they are, not for what they can give me or how they behave. I take responsibility for my own thoughts, feelings, goals, and actions. I can state my own beliefs and values to those who disagree with me — without becoming adversarial. I am able to accurately self-assess my limits, strengths, and weaknesses. I am deeply convinced that I am absolutely loved by Christ and, as a result, do not look to others to tell me I’m okay. I am able to integrate doing for God and being with him (Mary and Martha). My Christian life has moved beyond simply serving Christ to loving him and enjoying communion with him.”

How to know you are an emotionally mature adult.

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Where do you find yourself? What is your next step to grow into the next stage of your spiritual or emotional growth?

As I said on Sunday, this isn’t always a linear journey. This is not a salvation issue, but a matter of sanctification. There may be seasons when you are growing and living as a spiritual parent, and then you find yourself moving backward to the stage of a young adult or child. This is why the grace and forgiveness John talks about are so essential in the life of a believer. 

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How to Start a New Small Group on the Right Foot

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Photo by Alexis Brown on Unsplash

The first meeting of any group or team is crucial. It sets the tone for the rest of the season or time for that group. The same is true for starting a new small group or Bible study at your church. Whether it is a class meeting at church or a group meeting in your home, it matters to start on the right foot. 

With that in mind, here are a few ideas for small group leaders as they start a new group or a new season of a group:

6 ideas to start a small group on the right foot at your church.

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1. Pray for your group members. I know you do this, but pray for each of them by name, asking God to use your group to meet each person and for each person to speak to the whole group. This is an incredible opportunity to not only help people experience community but to take their next step in their spiritual journey. Pray expectantly, knowing that the Holy Spirit loves to answer our requests to help us become more like Jesus.

2. Contact each of them to let them know the details of the group. A simple welcome text or email to let them know when and where you will be meeting, if you are eating a meal or having snacks, and encourage them to bring their Bibles. Also, let them know any expectations you have as the leader, especially if you are meeting at your house. This contact is a tone-setting contact, so be excited and cheerful as you get started!

3. Read through the passage you will be discussing. One of the most essential parts of being a group leader is to read the passage and the questions you will be discussing. You don’t need to get to all the questions, and you might have some of your own after listening to the sermon. Use whatever helps your group to engage best with the passage from Sunday. Our church discusses the sermon, which is a simple way to keep us all on the same page and moving as one.

4. Use the story cards to start each week. Story cards are a simple way to get people talking each week. They are cards with a photo on them, and we use them by asking people to pick a card that answers a question.

As people answer, they will inevitably start to tell a story or give more explanation. You can also ask them why they chose that card to help encourage them. We have found story cards to be an effective way to promote conversation, as using a photo to share something is often easier than answering a question about three interesting facts about yourself. 

Simply lay out the cards on a table each week you use them, along with a question, and have people grab a card. We use the cards each week in the groups we lead and would encourage you to do the same. 

Here are some other questions you can use: 

  • What card describes your spiritual journey right now? You can use this question often because our spiritual journeys are changing. 
  • What is one word that describes your summer? Why did you choose that word?
  • Which card describes your summer or childhood, middle school, high school, or college season of life, etc.?
  • Which card describes how you see God?
  • Which card describes your prayer life right now?

5. Share evidence of God’s grace. I mentioned in a sermon how each week, when we lead a group, we go around the table and ask people to share times and places where they saw God working in their lives. These can be small ways or big ways, answers to prayers, God’s provision, healing, or an opportunity to share the gospel with someone. The goal is to help your group see how God is at work all around them. This is a simple way to set the tone of your group, and even if only one person shares, it is a reminder that God is at work, even if you don’t see it.

6. Leadership is a marathon. While the first meeting is important, it is just one of many. Chances are, you will lead a group with many of these people for years to come. There will be highs and lows. There will be nights where the discussion flows and others where it is a slog. Don’t get discouraged. Remember that leading a group is a marathon and that our journey to become more like Christ is a lifetime journey. God is going to use you in mighty ways, so keep your hands open and ask for eyes ot see what the Spirit of God is doing.

6 things to remember when you start a small group.

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Forgiveness, Freedom and The Good Life

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Photo by Alex Shute on Unsplash

At some point in your relationships, you will be hurt. Someone will say something that marks you; it might be a small thing or something that changes your relationship(s) forever. You might be the one who says something. Maybe you have already experienced this and wondered, How do I trust again? How do I forgive that person and move forward?

Our ability to forgive someone and move forward has an enormous impact on our ability to live in and experience the good life that God has for us. 

How do you forgive that person and move forward?

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When forgiveness comes up, we immediately jump to what is next. It is natural. But there is an interesting phrase that Jesus uses in Matthew 18 when he talks about forgiveness and reconciliation. 

In verse 15, Jesus says, “If your brother sins against you.”

A question Jesus wants us to ask that we often skip over is: Did they sin against me or just annoy me?

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So, before confronting or bringing someone with us, we need to step back and ask, “Did this person sin against me?” Or did they do something I didn’t like?

The reality is that they may have sinned against you, and you need to confront this issue. They may also have done something you didn’t like. The reason I start here is that we often get hung up on and ruminate on things we should let go of more quickly. 

Once you have clarity on whether it is something for you to wrestle with and let go of, or if it is indeed something you need to confront someone about or navigate the steps of forgiveness, you can move forward. 

Forgiveness is tough. In a sermon, giving forgiveness sounds so easy and clean. Yet, in real life, it is complicated and messy. Often, we forgive as much as we believe we are forgiven. Whenever we withhold forgiveness, we deny the power of the cross. Whenever we say, “I can’t forgive that person,” or “I can’t let go of that situation”, we deny the power of the cross. We deny the power of what God redeemed us to do.

How to Forgive, Let Go & Deal with Hurt in Relationships.

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Before walking through giving forgiveness, let’s look at what forgiveness is not, because many of us have the wrong idea about forgiveness. 

5 things forgiveness is not.

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Forgiveness is not the same thing as forgetting. Forgive and forget is not a reality. We will always remember. It is a part of our story and past. We will not forget the room, the smell, the face, the words. 

Forgiveness does not always mean reconciling or trusting. Just because you forgive someone does not mean you have a relationship with them moving forward. Wisdom might require you to have boundaries. You can forgive them and release them, but the wisdom may tell you not to trust them. You can also reconcile with them and not trust them to the same degree you once did. 

Forgiveness does not mean excusing what happened. This goes with forgetting, but forgiveness does not mean you are ignoring it or saying it’s no big deal. 

Forgiveness is not simple or easy. When the other person pushes you to forgive, they underestimate the impact of their words and actions. Forgiveness is complex and challenging. 

Forgiveness does not depend on the other person. You can forgive someone who hasn’t asked for forgiveness. They don’t need to apologize for you to forgive and let them go. Stop letting them take up real estate in your heart and mind.

5 myths about forgiveness.

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Forgiveness involves letting go, canceling what is owed to you, and relinquishing the control the offender has over you. It is giving up revenge; as we see in Romans 12:19, it leaves it in God’s hands.

As you walk through this door and grant forgiveness, here are a few things to keep in mind:

3 things to remember when you forgive.

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Forgiving someone does not mean pretending it didn’t happen. Forgiving does not mean forgetting, as the old saying goes. Those scars still exist. They are still there. Forgiving means acknowledging it happened and the pain associated with it. It is facing the hurt.

Giving forgiveness carries a cost. There is a cost to forgiveness. The cost of forgiveness is always on the person granting forgiveness. This is why forgiveness is so hard. C.S. Lewis said, “Forgiveness is a beautiful word until you have something to forgive.”

Forgiveness is possible because Jesus bore your sin and the cost of forgiveness. When we look at the cross, we see how Jesus bore our sins, knowing we would fail repeatedly. Yet, he forgave us. The power of this moment is what enables us to forgive the way Jesus did.

How to forgive, let go of your hurt, and move forward in relationships.

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The Crucial Step to Freedom We Often Miss

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Photo by Patrick Fore on Unsplash

All of us have things in our lives that we wish we were free from. Sins, hurts, betrayals, hang-ups, and addictions ruin so many parts of our lives. They have destroyed relationships, created all kinds of stress, destroyed careers, and taken us so far off track that it is sometimes hard to find the path to the life God wants us to live. 

We try all kinds of things to get our lives and relationships together. We listen to podcasts, go to counseling, join groups, and read books. All of those can be helpful, so you should do them. But as we see in 1 John, John gives us a clear first step to freedom: Confession. 

Confession is the doorway to God’s grace and forgiveness.

Confession is the doorway to God’s grace and forgiveness.

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But it is often the last thing we want to do. We don’t like to apologize to anyone, especially God. We, like the people John was writing to, would like to minimize the sin in our lives. Act as if it’s no big deal, or as if there’s no sin in your hearts and lives. 

Yet, deep down, we know that there is. 

We need confession. 

But why? John tells us in 1:9: If we confess our sins, he is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. -1 John 1:9

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Our confession is not successful because we are really sorry or groveling. Our confession is successful because of who God is, because of his character.

If we’re honest, confession is not something we like to do. We don’t want to do it in our relationships. We don’t like to apologize. In fact, when someone says we hurt them, a favorite apology in our culture is, “I’m sorry you felt hurt.” That’s not an apology, that’s blaming them for being hurt.

My guess is that you don’t like to confess wrongdoing to someone else or to God. It shows weakness, need, and admits we did something wrong.

Confession, though, is something we must do; our soul, our heart, needs confession. Our relationship with God needs confession.

We need God’s grace, and it is only through confession that we receive it.

Confession is being honest with yourself and God about who you are and who He is.

Confession is being honest with yourself and God about who you are and who He is.

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But how do we practice this? 

What happens when we confess our sins.

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Richard Foster, in his excellent book Celebration of Discipline, said there are 3 things involved in confession:

1. We examine ourselves. Where is our sin? Where does it stem from? We ask our kids, Why did you do that?

That’s a great question during the examination of your heart. This is where our souls come under the gaze of God. We’ve already been told God is light, and that is a good thing. In this, we are also inviting God to show us places that need forgiveness and healing. 

Be specific. 

Do you know what is amazing in the gospels? When people came to Jesus, they came with particular things—specific requests. Bring specific things to Jesus in confession, specific situations, relationships, and specific hurts. Don’t generalize.

2. Sorrow. Sorrow is one of the reasons we avoid confession. But sorrow is crucial. We have sinned against both someone and God. This is a godly sorrow because what we have done is against the heart of God.

3. A determination to avoid sin. This is where we ask God to give us a passion for holy living, to provide us with a desire to fight our sin, and to help us hate it.

3 things we must do when we confess our sins.

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